D I S T A N C I N G

March 18, 2020 By ChuckBehrens Leave a Comment

I don’t know if this is a noun or a verb. . .
But I know I’m always reaching
to be more of a verb. . .
Y O U ?

D I S T A N C I N G

Whether it’s SOCIAL
Whether it’s PHYSICAL
Whether it’s EMOTIONAL
Whether it’s SPIRITUAL
is still
d i s t a n c i n g
and like any ripple
it causes other
w a v e s
BUT

Social Distancing Doesn’t Mean You Have to Be a Hermit

There are many Experts now explain how to socialize in the time of
COVID-19.

In part, this is how MELISSA MATTHEWS recently shared some insights out of how this is effecting us all. . .

ROXANA VALLE / EYEEMGETTY IMAGES

The COVID-19 pandemic has postponed Coachella, cancelled the NBA, shot down March Madness, NHL, Soccer, Churches, as it’s closed Bar’s, Restaurants, postponed Golf tournaments, Parades, The Kentucky Derby, MLB, sent kids home from schools, colleges, universities, daycare centers, gyms and just about anything else that allows anymore than 10 people together and spawned a new phrase: social distancing.

In the United States, public health officials are recommending that even healthy people stay at home as much as possible. In fact, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention recommends that all events with more than 10 people be canceled in the U.S.

This is where the practice of social distancing comes in.

Think of social distancing as the middle ground between quarantine and doing whatever you want, whenever you want, says K.C. Rondello,M.D., Clinical Associate Professor of Public Health & Emergency Management at Adelphi University.

“Social distancing involves all the choices we make that create a barrier of space between us and others,” Dr. Rondello tells Men’s Health.

According to the CDC, you’d want to maintain about six feet of personal space and avoid public places like shopping centers.

You may be hearing the term for the first time, but societies have deployed the technique in the past, says Dr. Rondello. It’s particularly helpful when there’s no treatment or vaccine available for a rapidly spreading pathogen, he says.

Here’s why social distancing matters

If you’re healthy, you might think that you don’t have to limit your interactions with other people. After all, the risk of developing pneumonia or needing hospitalization from COVID-19 is low for the average healthy person, according to the CDC.

But limiting your social interactions reduces the risk of spreading the virus to people who may then spread it onto more people. This helps “flatten the curve,” or influx of new cases in a given time period. Slowing the spread of the disease reduces the strain on the healthcare system by limiting the number of people who are severely sick and need hospital care. It also gives researchers more time to develop treatments and vaccines

Research from previous pandemics show that this method works. In 2009, closing schools for 18 days in Mexico helped reduce transmission of H1N1 by 29 to 37 percent, according to a 2011 study published in PLOS Medicine.

That said, you can be cautious without letting the pandemic dictate your entire life, according to William Schaffner, M.D., and infectious disease specialist at the Vanderbilt University Medical Center in Nashville, TN.

There is no “right” way to practice social distancing

Empty store shelves and internet memes may lead you to believe you can never leave the house. This isn’t true.

“I think it’s kind of up to you to decide how much risk you want to put other people in and how much risk you want to acquire for yourself,” Dr. Schaffner tells Men’s Health. “There is not a transmission policeman out there.” Still, it might not be bad for each of us to imagine that we actually infected and just by being with another person, old or young, we could not just infect them, but actually may cause their deaths. . .

People who are older than 60 and individuals who are immunocompromised, meaning they have a difficult time fighting infections, should be more cautious, says Dr. Schaffner. The CDC states people at-risk of becoming seriously ill from COVID-19 should limit their exposure to groups and even look into grocery delivery.

But not everyone has access to grocery delivery or the freedom to work from home.

Here’s how to implement the method realistically:

At the store

There’s no need to buy six month’s worth of toilet paper now. . .which I’m still not completely understanding;

In fact, stockpiling makes it more difficult for people to purchase essential items. However, you should head to the store with a plan, says Dr. Rondello. Make a list of everything you need and purchase the items in the same trip instead of going to multiple stores on separate days. This reduces your exposure and helps you be more efficient, he says. Shopping during off-peak hours when stores aren’t crowded further reduces your risk of exposure to viruses.

“Along with social distancing, you’re going to implement good infection prevention,” says Dr. Rondello.

In other words, refrain from touching your face and wash your handsthe minute you get home.

While using public transportation

Many corporations such as Twitter, Google, and Box implemented work from home strategies in response to the current pandemic. But not everyone has the luxury of remote work—and some of these people may need to use mass transit.

“There are times when social distancing is not going to be possible. You’re going to do the best that you can,” says Dr. Rondello.

In a subway, bus, or train that means seeking out the place with the fewest amount of people. Again, it’s vital to pair this with all the other recommended ways to avoid getting sick: washing your hands, using hand sanitizer (in a pinch), and not touching your face.

Now that Fitness Centers are Closed

Running and walking are great ways to stay active while getting fresh air—as long as you keep your distance. Again, the CDC recommends keeping six feet of personal space.

It’s easy to get a full-body workout indoors using free weights, bands, or a yoga mat.

While hanging with friends

You’re probably wondering whether you need to sacrifice socializing for the sake of the pandemic.

“There is no wrong answer, and there is no right answer,” says Dr. Schaffner. Still, with all of the social media outlets we can still keep in touch

According to Dr. Schaffner, walking in the park with a friend is less risky than sitting in a crowded enclosed space.

Given the recent bar and restaurant closures throughout the U.S., this may be a good time to catch up with friends and family over video chat instead of dinner.

Ultimately, there are no absolutes. You simply need to weigh the benefits versus the risk and make a personal choice about which strategies you want to employ, according to Dr. Rondello.

And remember, social distancing is about helping other individuals—not just yourself. . .

The problem
(of which sometimes we are its main ingredient)
is that
t e m p o r a r y
FEELS
so Permanent. . .
Psssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssst of the Day:
Even
Permanence
isn’t
permeant. . .
DISTANCE
yourself from that
and re-member:
“FEAR IS THE CHEAPEST ROOM IN THE HOUSE;
I WOULD LIKE TO SEE YOU LIVING
IN BETTER CONDITIONS.” -HAFIZ

ELDERHOOD

August 7, 2019 By ChuckBehrens Leave a Comment

Birthdays may not be worth celebrating after a certain age. . .
but moments are never to be missed or passed up

A Bucket of Birthday candles won’t much last past a good couple of flickers but we live for the
FLAME
not the fleeting flickers. . .

Do We Need a New Roadmap for Getting Older?

Old age can last half a century, says physician Louise Aronson, so it needs a better definition—and more praise.

Recently journalist, JENARA NUREMBERG asked some fairly pertinent questions that beg for even more compelling answers

What do you think of when you think of “old age?” Maybe you think of it as your time of decline—something to be avoided at all costs. Many of us imagine the few short years just before our death, rather than the long stretch of time often available to explore new interests and relationships and activities.

Author and physician Louise Aronson wants to change that. In her new book, Elderhood, she argues that old age or “elderhood” is a much richer, more nuanced experience than most people understand, and that treating it like an illness or pathology is the wrong approach. She believes people need to embrace elderhood as another normal phase of life—just like childhood and adulthood—with its own challenges and rewards. By reclaiming the narrative around older age, she hopes to not only support elders, but to impact family life, health, research, policy, and society as a whole.

Louise Aronson: I define elderhood as one of the three main phases of life—what comes after childhood and adulthood. It captures the years that begin between ages 60-70 and continue until a person’s death. And if a person lives until the age of 100, then that means elderhood lasts almost half a century.

Human civilizations from the ancient Greeks and Romans to the early Chinese and Egyptians have been defining old age beginning between 60-70. Because people don’t like hearing that it starts so young, they’ve pushed that to the extreme, whereby people think of “old” as a debilitating phase that only lasts the very few short years right before death.

Louise goes on to explain: Part of why I wanted to introduce the term elderhood to a wider audience—I did not make it up—was so that we would begin thinking about elderhood the way we think about childhood and adulthood. “Old age” absent the term elderhood is the subject of a lot of prejudice and bias, so we end up with phrases like “silver tsunami” and “no one wants to be old” or “aging is life’s great disaster.”

By reframing it as this long phase of life with multiple sub-phases—just like childhood and adulthood—we take a broader approach and we can look at it as a society and community, and not just as individuals. So right now having “old” be devalued, with everyone being meant to face it on their own, we hear questions like “can we cure aging?” Why are we treating something that is normal and natural and that has always existed as pathology?

Now, are there things that come with aging that we would feel much better without? Sure. But we don’t tend to pathologize other entire phases of life. Take adolescence. We recognize that there are behaviors that adolescents are more likely to do that are not good for them or society, but we don’t necessarily say we should get rid of adolescents the way that people often talk about older people. “Let’s go house them somewhere separately, let’s not think about them, let’s build a world for children and adults and then blame older people when that world doesn’t match with their needs or interests.”

Miss Aronson goes on to remind us: There’s more and more out there about age, and there’s so much good stuff; but I felt like the most well-intentioned material was still insulting old age and old people by saying, “Old is only how you feel, 70 is the new 50, 100 is the new 70.” All these things are saying that being old is never in and of itself a good thing or a desirable thing and by extension people who are old are never good people or desirable people. I didn’t like that.

I also didn’t see anything that pulled together all the different ways in which we’re addressing aging—culturally, medically, socially, historically. We tend to think we’re doing all these novel, innovative things with aging, and although some of the specifics differ, human thoughts and approaches about old age are pretty much the same as what we have in evidence from 2,000 to 5,000 years ago. The attempt to understand and adapt to aging is a very human task and such history shows how important these questions are and how existential they are.

I really like how Louise explains: In medicine, we tend to say that such and such population—children, women, people of color, old people—is somehow different from “the norm,” defining the “norm” as middle-aged white guys, because that’s who was doing medicine. Medical research has begun to acknowledge that children aren’t just variations of adults, and women aren’t just variations of men, and people of color aren’t just variations of white people. We need to recognize that being old is as different from being an adult as an adult is from being a child. We change throughout our lives.

For example, with vaccine schedules, we have different schedules for adults and children because of different biology and behaviors. Well, biology and behaviors also change from age 75 onward. Even in diseases that primarily affect older people, the research at best will be on the younger range of older people. So we say that older people are different, and yet we apply results from people different than them to them. Then we blame bad outcomes on old age rather than on what it was—a scientific setup that was destined to fail or hurt people because it didn’t study the target population adequately.

When asked about the HAPPINESS FACTOR as we grow older Miss Aronson reflects: That’s such a good question. Most people are shocked to learn that happiness and life satisfaction go way up just before 60 and continuing into the 80s. So people who are older are much happier than adults in midlife, on average. On average people get happier, and part of that has to do with a real comfort with self and confidence in one’s priorities so that people are more focused on spending time in ways they value and on spending time with people that they value. So their life becomes positive and self-reinforcing.

Another thing that was just reported this year is that older people generally rate their health pretty good. They look around at other people and generally conclude that, yes, their health is better than they thought it would be. So some of this is about having perspective, which takes decades, and also a comfort with who you are and where you are. And when you think about things like meditation and mindfulness and retreats and such, these are the things that elders are best at naturally. So it’s really interesting that we have this untapped population group that are doing the exact things that so many adults are hungry for and yet adults still disparage the very group that is living the things they wish for themselves.

I just turned 64 yesterday and I remember when that seemed older than a dinosaur bone with stardust in its DNA
. . .and now it just feels like 34 with a lot more
SNAP
CRACKLE
AND POP
with each step I take
or when I get out of a chair after sitting a little while
or when I try walking down a staircase
or when I make a trip to the bathroom for the
third time before my 5:30 a.m. wake up time

B U T

Never has my
G L O W
been Brighter
been Warmer
My flicker
more FLAME

With a few more
W I C K S
to light
and be lit
with paths not yet traveled,
E N L I G H T E N D

Survey, S C R E A M S

January 2, 2019 By ChuckBehrens 2 Comments

D O E S I T M A T T E R ?

Well, apparently the

Science of Happily Ever After

has gone well over and under the microscope–literally–and the examination table.

In her article,

MASTER OF LOVE,

author, Emily Smith reveals that of all the couples that get married,

only THREE in TEN remain in healthy, happy marriages.

W O W . . .

that’ll sour the Chocolate Heart well before Valentine’s Day.

Has it come to T H I S:

A team of Researchers, Scientists actually hooked up couples to electrodes and asked the couples to speak about their relationship, how they met, a major conflict they were facing together, and a positive memory. As they spoke, these electrodes measured blood flow, heart rates, and how much sweat they actually produced…then the Researchers sent these folks home and followed up on them SIX YEARS LATER;

Forget about the THREE out of TEN formula. . .

Do you know what the two most powerful characteristics they found to long-lasting relationships?

K I N D N E S S

G E N E R O S I T Y

In most marriages,

T H E Y

concluded, levels of satisfaction drop dramatically within the first few years together;

BUT AMONG COUPLES WHO NOT ONLY ENDURE, BUT LIVE HAPPILY TOGETHER FOR YEARS AND YEARS, THE SPIRIT OF KINDNESS AND GENEROSITY GUIDES THEM FORWARD!

What’s T H A T tell you?

Being in a committed relationship now

(FOR A D O-O V E R)

for nearly 34 years,

with Mt Everest highs and the darkest of Abyss lows

over roads that would have begged for ruts and dust,

they were so desolate,

I,
like many others,

can prove to you what was implied but not measured

with this or any study:

K I N D N E S S A N D GENEROSITY

DO NOT WORK
–E V E R–

o n c e . . .

Kindness and Generosity have to be consistently

D O N E / E X P E R I E N C E D

I’m one of the few people known to all generations of all faiths

who actually doesn’t like

the Story of the Good Samaritan. . .

A guy gets thrashed and everyone avoids him from the Commoner to the most highly religious except, well, except for the lowest of the low scum of the earth, who took time to at least stop and help the man, got him patched up and then took him to a hostel where he could rehab; actually paid in advance and told the innkeeper, if it wasn’t enough, he’d settle up with him the next time he came back into town. . .

What’s not to like?

Well, here’s something that the Social Scientists don’t have to Electrode you up for:

ANYONE CAN DO THAT–

Be a Good Samaritan–

O N C E . . .

but what about a thousand and O N C E times

or a Billion,

a Ga-Zillion and O N C E times?

Who would have thought that

C O N S I S T E N T L Y

being Kind and Generous

would be the key components for a long-lasting-happily-ever-after relationship?

Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm of the D A Y:

Maybe if we
T H O U G H T

l e s s

and practiced
Kindness and Generosity

more. . .

Well,

you do the research:

Resource:

http://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/200910/what-makes-marriage-work

http://www.theatlantic.com/health/archive/2014/06/happily-ever-after/372573/

Just a TISSUE

November 30, 2018 By ChuckBehrens Leave a Comment

Being a True C A R I N G C A T A L Y S T
means that Compassion and Love
need no Legislation or Policing and
Obliterates THEM and THEY
or I and YOU
and only is known abundantly as
US and WE. . .

T I S S U E

A T i s s u e. . .

Simple request, huh. . .

I was visiting them

for just a routine visit;

One month. . .

A month ago he was power washing his deck

buying a new car

going to a clam bake

and being diagnosed for the first time

with advance pancreatic cancer. . .

A Month Ago

isn’t a very long time. . .

a mere 744 hours

a mere 44,640 minutes

a mere 2,678,4000 seconds

. . .a month

and now he’s just literally moments away from dying. . .

My Charting very sterilely states:

I provided supportive presence via active listening/validation of feelings/comments, life/faith/family review; I shared scripture/prayer/blessing/healing touch; the pt was never fully awake/responsive during visit but appears comfortable/managed; pt is showing s/s of actively dying with his breathing pattern and the mottling of his skin on his hands, lips and feet up to his knees; the family expressed thanks for my visit and for all services/interventions/support shown; when sharing that the he was our patient and they are our concern, I asked if I could be of any other service or if I could bring them anything; pt’s wife responded: “TISSUE.” Can you bring us a softer tissue?” I left room and acquired a softer box of tissues from the supply room. . . .”

Paint a picture

Just the facts

Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

. . .as abrasive as a cheap, non-brand tissue. . .

He died shortly after I left for the day

and now I think of him

o f t e n

with every tissue I see

and I seem to be seeing them

e v e r y w h e r e

The word C O M P A S S I O N

comes from Greek word

which literally translates:

S U F F E R I N G W I T H

and it’s never the S U F F E R I N G

that’s emphasized so much as

THE WITH

R E A L C H A N G E

never really is the JINGLE

in your pocket

so much as the recognition

IT IS THE ONLY THING CONSTANT

in our lives

and often something we have little control. . .

A Month isn’t a very long time

A Tissue isn’t very much of a request in a world of

W A N T S

We’re not called to be millionaires

We’re not called to be Fixers

We’re not called to be Healers

We’re not called to be Nurses

We’re not called to be Doctors

We’re not called to be Chaplains

We’re not called to be Nursing Assistants

We’re not called to be Counselors

We’re called to be Compassionate People

The WHERE

THE WHEN

THE HOW

is inconsequential

to the T H A T

WE ARE COMPASSIONATE

WE ARE KIND

WE ARE EMPATHETIC

WE ARE SYMPATHETIC

WE ARE CARING CATALYSTS

IS IT TOO MUCH TO ASK. . .

IS IT TOO MUCH EXPECT. . .

IS IT TOO MUCH FEEL. . .

IF WE FAIL. . .
CAN IT BE IN EXHAUSTING EVERY EFFORT
TO L O V E. . .

l e t s f i n d o u t

even if it’s just

a softer t i s s u e. . .

NOW THAT H U G S

November 7, 2018 By ChuckBehrens Leave a Comment

I recently read an article from TIME MAGAZINE By MELISSA LOCKER

THAT HUGS. . .

or at least talks about HUGS. . .

If you hate being hugged, the world can be a challenging place. You never know when someone you’re meeting for a quick coffee will approach you, arms open wide, coming in for an embrace.

Your options are limited: you can awkwardly dodge the gesture, stick out your hand for a handshake, or submit to the unwanted bear hug.

Regardless of whether you are pro or anti-embrace, here’s everything to know about the human behavior of hugging:

Why people love or loathe hugging

So why is it that some people love a good hug, while others abhor them? According to experts, it may have something to do with how you were raised.

“Our tendency to engage in physical touch—whether hugging, a pat on the back, or linking arms with a friend—is often a product of our early childhood experiences,” says Suzanne Degges-White, a professor of Counseling and Counselor Education at Northern Illinois University. A 2012 study published in Comprehensive Psychology found that people who were raised by parents who were frequent huggers were more likely to be huggers in adulthood. The study concluded that, “hugging is an important element in a child’s emotional upbringing.”

Conversely, Degges-White says, for people raised by devout non-huggers, the very thought of hugging might make them uncomfortable. “In a family that was not typically physically demonstrative, children may grow up and follow that same pattern with their own kids,” she says.

Still, she notes instances when growing up without physical touchcan actually have the opposite effect. “Some children grow up and feel ‘starved’ for touch and become social huggers that can’t greet a friend without an embrace or a touch on the shoulder,” Degges-White says.

Whether you grew up in a family that was always hugging or was brought up in an environment that lacked touch—these factors can leave a lasting physiological impact.

Darcia Narvaez, a professor of psychology at University of Notre Dame, says that there are two main ways that not being touched can affect a growing body: it can lead to an underdeveloped vagus nerve, a bundle of nerves that runs from the spinal cord to the abdomen, which research shows can decrease people’s ability to be intimate or compassionate, and can lead to an underdeveloped oxytocin system, the glands which release the oxytocin hormone that can help humans form bonds with other people.

As proof, Narvaez points to a group of Romanian orphans, who were at the center of a 2014 study on the lasting impact of neglect on developing minds. Romanian orphans who were adopted had malfunctioning oxytocin systems, according to the study. “They were hardly touched in the orphanage and so did not display the rise in oxytocin— ‘the cuddle hormone’—well-cared-for children have when sitting on their parent’s lap,” Narvaez says.

Without this hormone, it can be harder to pick up on social cuesand even be more sociable. So hugging and touch are incredibly important for youngsters—even if you don’t particularly like them as an adult.

Self-esteem and body issues may also play a role in someone’s hugging predilections. “People who are more open to physical touch with others typically have higher levels of self-confidence,” says Degges-White. “People who have higher levels of social anxiety, in general, may be hesitant to engage in affectionate touches with others, including friends.” And the fear of someone ‘reaching out’—literally and figuratively—can make that discomfort even worse, she warns.

There’s also a cultural component to being hug avoidant. People in the U.S. and England hug and touch way less often than people in France or Puerto Rico, according to a 2010 study by the Greater Good Science Center at UC Berkeley.

How huggers should interact with people who are hug avoidant

The Emily Post Institute, which carries on the work of the eponymous doyenne of etiquette, suggests skipping the hug altogether unless you are closely acquainted with someone. The reason is simple: while you might be comfortable with it, “not everyone else—even those who might go along with it quietly—are,” the institute wrote in a blog post.

The manners maven also encouraged huggers to take note of body language: when someone proffers their hand instead of going in for a bear hug for example, recognize the signal, and then shake on it. The body language of non-huggers is hard to miss, too: If you’re going in for a hug and notice a grimace or a look of horror in the person’s eyes, you might consider aborting the mission.

Samantha Hess—a “professional cuddler” and founder of a Portland, Oregon-based service that teaches people how to enjoy platonic touch—says it’s important to be mindful of other people’s cues. “Everyone has the right to control what happens to their body,” she says. “Many of our clients aren’t comfortable with even a handshake when they first arrive.”

Hess adds that it can take weeks or even months for her clients to feel comfortable enough to enjoy a good old-fashioned embrace—if they ever get there at all.

The scientific benefits of hugging

There is a very real reason to try hugging: it may make you less likely to get sick.

In a 2015 study, researchers from Carnegie Mellon University looked at the effects that hugs and other forms of affection can have on the immune system. Specifically, researchers wanted to know if the people who felt loved were less susceptible to the common cold—and they were: 32% of that immune boost came from the stress-alleviating effects of hugging.

“Those who receive more hugs are somewhat more protected from infection,” the study concluded.

But if anti-huggers are still unconvinced, they may want to make note of a 2014 study published in the American Journal of Infection Control that found that fist bumping is the most hygienic form of greeting—an alternative that requires minimal contact.

How to overcome your aversion to hugs

While no one should ever feel obligated to hug someone, if you want to overcome your hug aversion, Hess’s company has a carefully laid out plan for helping people overcome their distaste for the embrace. “We go over consent and boundaries prior to any touch and reassure them they are always welcome to change their mind,” she explains. “We have 78 cuddle poses we can guide people through so we can find something for just about any comfort level.”

And for those who don’t mind physical touch, but still aren’t sold on hugging, Degges-White suggests pushing through the temporary unease and go for the embrace. “You may very well find yourself overcome with relief, gratitude, surprise, acceptance and even regret for having closed yourself off from your own self for so long,” she says.

NO WORDS

October 29, 2018 By ChuckBehrens 4 Comments

Sometimes. . .

n o w o r d s

are the best sentiments that can ever be stated. . .

John Prine’s
SUMMER’S END
found me

this past week

b e t w e e n

multiple bombs in the mail

Six Celebration of Life Services I conducted
(one was an overdose of a father of three)

and the brutal shooting and death of 11 at a Pittsburgh Synagogue

COME ON HOME,
COME ON HOME,
YOU DON’T HAVE TO BE ALONE,
JUST COME ON HOME

Psssssssssssssssssssssssst:

PEACE JUST DOESN’T HAPPEN

I T B E C O M E S

and I
(w e)

usher it

(OR NOT)

COME ON HOME,
COME ON HOME,
YOU DON’T HAVE TO BE ALONE,
JUST COME ON HOME

O Happy DAY (s)

October 17, 2018 By ChuckBehrens Leave a Comment

I s H A P P I N E S S

a l l t h a t

H A P P Y

4 lessons from the longest-running

study on happiness

gives us a hint. . .

Stocksy

Essential, data-derived advice for leading a happy, healthy life, shared by researcher and psychiatrist Robert Waldinger.

Have you ever wished you could fast-forward your life so you could see if the decisions you’re making will lead to satisfaction and health in the future? In the world of scientific research, the closest you can get to that is by looking at the Harvard Study of Adult Development — a study that has tracked the lives of 724 men for 78 years, and one of the longest studies of adult life ever done. Investigators surveyed the group every two years about their physical and mental health, their professional lives, their friendships, their marriages — and also subjected them to periodic in-person interviews, medical exams, blood tests and brain scans.

With a front-row seat on these men’s lives, researchers have been able to track their circumstances and choices and see how the effects ripple through their lives. Psychiatrist Robert J. Waldinger, the study’s director and principal investigator, shared some of the major lessons in a popular TED Talk (What makes a good life? Lessons from the longest study on happiness). He says, ”We’d been publishing journal articles with our findings for 75 years, but we publish in journals about lifespan developmental research that few people read. The government has invested millions of dollars in the research, so why keep it a secret?”

The big takeaways from that talk: Good relationships keep us happier and healthier, and loneliness kills. But there were, of course, many more lessons to be learned — the study has yielded more than 100 published papers so far, with enough data for “scores more” — and Waldinger shares four of them here.

1. A happy childhood has very, very long-lasting effects.

Having warm relationships with parents in childhood was a good predictor you’ll have warmer and more secure relationships with those closest to you when you’re an adult. Happy childhoods had the power to extend across decades to predict more secure relationships that people had with their spouses in their 80s, as well as better physical health in adulthood all the way into old age. And it’s not just parental bonds that matter: Having a close relationship with at least one sibling in childhood predicted which people were less likely to become depressed by age 50.

2. But … people with difficult childhoods can make up for them in midlife.

People who grow up in challenging environments — with chaotic families or economic uncertainty, for instance — grew old less happily than those who had more fortunate childhoods. But by the time people reached middle age (defined as ages 50–65), those who engaged in what psychologists call “generativity,” or an interest in establishing and guiding the next generation, were happier and better adjusted than those who didn’t. And generativity is not dependent on being a parent — while people can develop it by raising children, they can also exhibit it at work or other situations where they mentor younger adults.

3. Learning how to cope well with stress has a lifelong payoff.

We’ve all developed ways of managing stress and relieving anxiety, and Waldinger and his team have found that some ways can have greater long-term benefits than others. Among the adaptive coping methods they examined are sublimation (example: you feel unfairly treated by your employer, so you start an organization that helps protect workers’ rights), altruism (you struggle with addiction and help stay sober by being a sponsor for other addicts), and suppression (you’re worried about job cuts at your company but put those worries out of mind until you can do something to plan for the future). Maladaptive coping strategies include denial, acting out, or projection. The Harvard researchers found the subjects who dealt with stress by engaging in adaptive methods had better relationships with other people. And their way of coping had a cascade of beneficial effects: It made them easier for others to be with, which made people want to help them and led to more social support, and that, in turn, predicted healthier aging in their 60s and 70s. Added bonus: people who used adaptive mechanisms in middle age also had brains that stayed sharper longer.

4. Time with others protects us from the bruises of life’s ups and downs.

Waldinger has said “it’s the quality of your relationships that matters” is one significant takeaway from the study. Well, the researchers have found that quantity counts, too. Looking back on their lives, people most often reported their time spent with others as most meaningful, and the part of their lives of which they were the proudest. Spending time with other people made study subjects happier on a day-to-day basis, and in particular, time with a partner or spouse seemed to buffer them against the mood dips that come with aging’s physical pains and illnesses.

Waldinger continues to marvel at the researchers’ findings, even though he freely acknowledges how skewed their research group is — “it’s the most politically incorrect sample you could possibly have; it’s all white men!” (In fact, the group originally included John F. Kennedy.) With “only a handful” of the original subjects left to study, the Harvard team is now moving on to the men’s 1,300 children who’ve agreed to participate (a group that’s 51 percent female). But he’s painfully aware that the proposed cuts to the National Institutes of Health could end even their long-running study. “Our kind of research might be one of the first projects to go. Our work is not urgent; it’s not the cure for cancer or Alzheimer’s,” he says. “But we have a way of understanding human life that you can’t get anywhere else and it lays the foundation for important, actionable things.”

So maybe here’s the most important question of all:

A R E Y O U H A P P Y ?

or maybe it’s not the question at all. . .

IT’S YOUR ANSWER. . .

PEACE by PIECE

October 10, 2018 By ChuckBehrens Leave a Comment

I HAVE NEVER HEARD OF HER

HAVE YOU. . .

NADIA MURAD

Julian Stratenschulte—AFP/Getty Images

Kiran Nazish is a journalist and former professor. She currently runs a worldwide support network for women journalists called The Coalition For Women In Journalism and tweets @kirannazish

The audience sat in silence. Nadia Murad had just wrapped up a speaking event at the Carr Centre at Harvard University. The room had been full, as it usually was when Nadia spoke to an audience. “I can take more questions,” she said. But none came. The crowd had listened intently and seemed empathetic, yet was seemingly too shy to ask much of the slight, 23-year-old woman they saw before them.

Nadia had come here for the questions. It was March 2016, and the ISIS battle was still raging. With 3,000 women from her Yazidi tribe in northern Iraq still under ISIS control, she wanted the world to know about how her people were suffering. She had come to get them involved.

Nadia often wondered if people attended her events, she later told me, to hear more about the story of Islamic State brutalities than to help the Yazidi people. She wanted them to know her cause was something the world could address. “Everyone cannot control or defeat Daesh” she’d say, using a disparaging Arabic term for the group. “[but] everyone can help the Yazidi people.”

Today ISIS is defeated, and the Yazidi people enslaved and brutalized by the militant group are now slowly being reintegrated into Iraqi society. For her efforts in raising awareness of the use of sexual violence in wartime, Nadia Murad has won a Nobel Peace Prize alongside the Congolese surgeon Denis Mukwege. Yet carrying the weight of her people’s plight took a personal toll on Nadia, she told me on that night in Boston over two years ago. What I remember most is the glimpse she gave me of the courage it took her to go through with it.

After the talk, we headed to an Indian restaurant near Harvard Square. I wanted Nadia to taste the kind of cuisine I had grown up with in Pakistan. We connected over being women of color, and our origins were soon a subject of discussion. I had been following her work since she embarked upon her campaign to bring the world’s attention to the plight of Yazidi people. Here she was, in Boston, on a trip sandwiched between meetings with heads of states and leaders of the European Union.

As we filled our plates from the buffet of curry and rice, I asked her if she was pleased with the response to her campaign. I wanted to know how things were unfolding as she lobbied with world leaders week after week, while many of her friends remained under ISIS control. Surely, she must be making progress in her campaign?

She responded cautiously. “They are trying to help us. We have a lot of support.” But that wasn’t working she said. “The process is very slow. We want to do something about the women still stuck there… they need to be saved.”

Earlier that year in February she had visited the United Kingdom’s Houses of Parliament. Her story was raised by British lawmaker Robert Jerick to other members of parliament and then Prime Minister David Cameron. “When the Prime Minister welcomed me and heard what happened to the Yazidis, I felt they will do something to eradicate ISIS but still nothing has happened,” she said.

She kept meeting leaders, and engaged with the United Nations, but she said, “everyone listens and no one does anything.” She looked tired and frustrated at a lack of concrete results. This was not the breakthrough she had dreamed of.

Over dinner, Nadia said she felt her struggle was in vain. She told me about her then-recent visit to Iraq. This conversation was so painful for her that she stopped eating her meal and tears started sliding her cheeks. It was often like this for her. Meals were skipped. Her sleep cycle was unstable. Her suffering could always be seen on her face. She carried the trauma with her everywhere she went, every day.

“I have two burdens,” she told me. “One, is my memory,” — the torture, the rape, the murders of her family, the nights and days as a prisoner of ISIS — “and the second burden is that of my responsibility. I have to make sure that my fellow women do not suffer like me.”

Despite carrying with her this extraordinary despair and pain, Nadia continued to champion the cause of Yazidi women until the Islamic State was driven out of Iraq. And she has gone from triumph to triumph.

Her campaign to speak out about the crimes ISIS committed against her people, was instrumental to understanding and defeating ISIS. And in that she triumphed over ISIS.

When she felt frustrated that world leaders did not move, she kept pushing harder. She showed up at every platform she could to lobby for the Yazidi people, and for all women who are victimized in wars. She communicated her message to audiences shy and bold. And in that she triumphed over those unwilling to listen.

When she felt there was more action needed to help her people, she created the Nadia Initiative and the Sinjar Fund that aims to support Yazidis and other victims of war crimes. And in that she triumphed over inaction.

Now a Nobel Peace Prize laureate, Nadia has the highest platform yet to campaign against the violence and abuse of women during conflict and in society. The recognition of her work — alongside that of Dr Mukwege — will give other activists more access to more people at the heart of the problem.

This is a prize shared by every woman with the courage to speak out despite their fears and traumas. Women across the world who are standing up against oppression and censorship against their bodies, and their lives. These women are the lucky ones. As Nadia Murad told me that night in March 2016 — “survival is a kind of serendipity, one that empowers you to fight for the survival of others.”

This could be her breakthrough. . .

I don’t know her. . .

Before winning the Nobel Peace Prize

I have never heard of her or

felt the ripple of her wave

to the world

or to me

B U T

now I have

now you have

she’s become more of a

V E R B

than a

N O U N

She has most excellently not just illustrated

but now she inspires it

i n s t i l l s i t

P E A C E S

T O

P I E C E S

making the world a little more whole and wholesome

peace by piece

THE UNHAPPY CLOWN

August 22, 2018 By ChuckBehrens Leave a Comment

9 Things Therapists Do When They

Want To Feel Happier

Steal these tips from the pros.

Dominique Astorino On Assignment For HuffPost

You can be an absolute expert within the field of finding happiness and still need a little help yourself.

“We have the same problems as our patients,” said David D. Burns, a clinical psychiatrist and author of bestselling psychology book Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy. And sometimes that means dealing with negative thoughts, anxiety and bad moods.

So what does a therapist — usually the advice-giver when it comes to these types of problems — do when they’re in a funk? I loved falling across this HuffPost article who chatted with Burns and a few other experts to get their tips. Here are some of their go-to moves when they need to feel happy ASAP, as well as their advice on how you can steal them for yourself:

Use the “30-second rule”

If you’re feeling overwhelmed by a task, chore, conflict, to-do list ― and it’s totally sabotaging your mood ― try tackling just a small piece of it, Burns said. “The thing I choose to do has to be something I can complete in about 30 seconds, that way I can’t give myself any excuses to procrastinate,” he explained.

For example, Burns said that day he was feeling particularly overwhelmed by piles of paperwork on his desk, so he put his method into practice immediately. He took 30 seconds — all while on a call — to put a few pieces of paper together, staple them and file those papers properly in his file cabinet.

It’s ridiculously simple, but Burns said he felt a marked improvement in his mood immediately. “You feel a little bit of a boost every time you do this,” he said.

(I AM THE MOST UN-ORGANIZED ORGANIZED GUY I KNOW; I AM POWERFULLY PRODUCTIVE UNDER THE GUN AND AM IN CONSTANT COMPETITION WITH MYSELF; SO I PLAY THE GAME OF DOING JUST A LITTLE BIT MORE A LITTLE BIT LONGER AND A LITTLE BIT BETTER: WIN!)

Do some deep breathing

This tip is the oldest trick in the book for a reason. According to Habib Sadeghi, a holistic health expert and author of The Clarity Cleanse, taking a few large breaths can activate your parasympathetic nervous system, a part of your overall nervous system that’s responsible for lowering your heart rate and blood pressure. Taking a few deep breaths is also “a way to get out of the head and into the body,” Sadeghi said.

Sadeghi added that a deep-breathing exercise can be a small, easy way to slow down and change “how we think and feel.”

To try it yourself, start with a forceful exhale to clear some of the air from your lungs. Hold this for a second or two, then inhale deeply, allowing your abdomen to expand. Count to seven as you inhale, then hold your breath for about the same amount of time. Then exhale slowly for about 14 seconds or so. Repeat this for about 10 cycles, preferably on the edge of a chair with your eyes closed.

(WE NEVER THINK ABOUT BREATHING; SO THINK ABOUT IT. THE AVERAGE PERSON TAKES ANYWHERE FROM 17,280 TO 23,040 BREATHS A DAY. JUST THINK ABOUT 40 OF THEM ON PURPOSE)

LET YOURSELF FEEL BAD

It might be tempting to squash your terrible mood by suppressing that negativity, but you’re actually not doing yourself any favors. Instead, experts tell their patients ― and themselves ― to let themselves feel whatever emotions that pop up.

“Don’t tell your feelings to shut up. Instead, ask ‘what’s up?’” said Heidi Ligouri, a licensed counselor and motivational speaker. She added that ignoring a feeling can often make a situation worse.

Taking the time to process feelings can also help you get into a happier mindset more easily. There’s no reason to feel bad about feeling bad, said Kathleen Dahlen deVos, a psychotherapist based in San Francisco. She calls accepting negative feelings “emotional fluency,” which means experiencing your emotions “without judgment or attachment.” This allows you to learn from them, use them or move on from them more easily, Dahlen deVos said.

(SOMETIMES MONDAY FEELS LIKE A MONDAY; HUG THAT PORCUPINE AND REMIND YOURSELF THAT MONDAY IS ‘J U S T’ A DAY NOT ALL SEVEN; TUESDAY IS COMING AND SO IS THE WEEKEND!)

Stop and say one nice thing about yourself

Self-criticism comes easily for most people, especially when they’re in a terrible mood. So, once you’ve acknowledged you’re feeling crummy, counter that with a little emotional TLC.

“We tend to be so brutal on ourselves. Not only are we telling ourselves not to feel, but when we see a feeling we judge ourselves,” for having it, said Ligouri. “Once you see the [negative] feeling … practice self-compassion.”

If your bad mood is caused by a mistake, or if you’re thinking negatively about yourself, interrupt that stream of consciousness by picking out one thing you like about yourself. For example, maybe you prioritize hanging out with your sister, or you’re a team player at work, or you volunteer every month. Just something that gives yourself credit for your attributes. It sounds like a corny exercise, but it might just work.

“Developing a practice of mindful self-compassion has been hugely supportive in helping me to live a happier, healthier, and more joyful life,” Dahlen deVos said. “Self-compassion, in essence, is the recognition that no matter what is happening in our lives, we are innately worthy, lovable and connected to all of humanity.”

Still need some convincing that this technique isn’t bogus? Research shows that this practice also can help protect you from anxiety depression.

(MY GREATEST SELF TALK GO TO: I BELIEVE I AM THE BEST THERE IS; I BELIEVE IT WITH ALL OF MY HEART; B U T I ‘ K N O W’ IT’S NOT TRUE WHICH IS WHY EVERY DAY I JUST DON’T SEE MY FLAWS, I AM SEVERELY MOTIVATED TO DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT)

Ask yourself what you should do next ― then do it

Let’s say you showed up 20 minutes late to a meeting and halfway through your important presentation, you noticed you had a massive coffee stain on your shirt. You get through the meeting, but you’re angry about the circumstances afterward. In this situation, Ligouri said she figures out her next step by asking herself what she needed.

“Ask yourself: Do I want to keep rolling around in upset? Do I want to create or recreate a commitment to living a happy healthy life? Do I just need a nap? Do I want to reach out to a friend?” Ligouri said. In other words, figure out what to do next ― even if it’s just a simple task ― and then commit to doing it.

(SECRET WEAPON: M O T I O N–VERB IT UP! IT’S ALL ABOUT BEING IN MOTION/ACTING/DOING– EVEN IF IT’S IN YOUR HEAD)

Take a hike

Maybe not literally, but at the very least get outdoors. Each expert said they rely heavily on this activity as a way to improve mood.

“I make it a point to get fresh air and incorporate movement into every day,” Dahlen deVos said. “Sometimes this means a yoga or fitness class, but often it’s just a morning hike with my pup or an afternoon walk around the neighborhood during a free hour.” Her secret weapon? Doing this phone-free.

Aman also said long walks, in particular, are her go-to move when it comes to increasing her happiness. “I take a long walk in the woods,” she said. “The research on this is unmistakable. It’s good for the mind, body, and soul.”

You also get the added benefit of exercise, which is its own mood booster, Sadeghi said.

“Exercise is really one of the best ways to blow off stress and sadness,” he explained. “Even resistance training, or a rough round of racquetball or tennis — something that requires you to focus intensely on your body, its movements and sensations.”

(I WAS DEVASTATED TO EXPERIENCE THAT I COULD NO LONGER RUN MARATHONS OR EVEN SHORT DISTANCES BUT I CAN SWIM-RUN IN THE POOL AND STILL WALK–THE BEACH–ANY BEACH IS THE BEST; IT HAS IT’S HEALTH BENEFITS BUT I DO IT FOR MY HEAD NOT SO MUCH MY HEART)

Find a mantra that works when you’re in a bad mood

Dahlen deVos said she keeps a set of mantras in her back pocket, and recommends the same for her clients. “Develop a self-compassion mantra: an easy-to-memorize set of phrases to repeat when we need a compassion boost, or to create mindfulness of a situation,” she said.

She recommended trying something like this the next time you’re feeling down and out: “I’m having a hard time, but everyone feels this way sometimes. May I be gentle with myself and remember that I’m safe and okay.”
(MY GO TO : “I GOT THIS, BRING IT!”)

Dance it out

Sadeghi said he personally turns to dance as “a great way to expel a lot of pent-up anxiety or depressive energy.”

Using a mix of “upbeat songs that you really love,” give yourself room to literally dance like no one’s watching. “Make your movements random, but deliberate and strong; get your whole body into it,” he said. “Imagine the negative energy flying out of your body through your fingertips as you move around.”

(ok in my case: SING IT OUT, LOUD AND ANIMATED. MY FAVORITE PLAYLIST IS ONE I’VE CREATED CALLED: RUNNING; IT’S THE BEST WORKOUT I’VE HAD WITHOUT RUNNING SHOES)

Play with a pup (or another furry friend)

There’s a reason pet owners tend to live longer. Spending time with a dog, cat, or another animal can be profoundly calming and uplifting.

Burns cited time with his sweet rescue kitten Misty as one of his all-time favorite mood-boosters.

“It really teaches me something at a deep level,” he said. “She’s not special, she’s just an abandoned cat. I am not special either! But when we’re together, life becomes special.”

(I’VE TOLD MY DOG AND CATS THINGS I’VE NEVER TOLD ANOTHER LIVING BEING AND THEY’VE NEVER DISAPPOINTED OR NOT LISTENED OR NOT BEEN GLAD TO SEE ME–B A M!)

Psssssssssssssssssst:

Sometime this Clown doesn’t much like Clowning. . .

It, thankfully, never lasts long because of the ultimate secret weapon:

r e l a t i o n s h i p s

w h a t ‘ s y o u r ‘ s ?

The Real Birthday

August 6, 2018 By ChuckBehrens 4 Comments

C U T E

isn’t always the way to
C E L E B R A T E

A R E A L B I R T H D A Y

L I F E

isn’t about a number of Candles

on a quick-to-go-stale

Birthday Cake. . .

. . .Maybe the best part of old age for anyone is that they can actually

A T T A I N I T

There are Givens:

Death is the Number One Killer in the World. . .

Life is a Terminal Sexually Transmitted. . .

and it ENDS. . .

just not as well as we’d like. . .

Great Health, it turns out, is merely the slowest possible rate at which anyone can ever die. . .

But. . .

After some 23,276.57 Days on this spinning blue ball

552187 hours

33,131,232 minutes

198,787,398 seconds,

I’ve learned a few lessons. . .

and the biggest one:

There’s just a few more lessons to learn. . .

There was a recent survey taken in the UK that said the biggest fears men have growing older are:

94% fear going bald

89% fear becoming impotent

75% are worried about going grey

64% are scared of getting fat

61% fear losing their teeth

45% dread needing ‘jam jar’ glasses

31% are scared of going deaf

24% are frightened of getting bad breath

100% of me is concerned that I wasted time. . .

that somehow,

I didn’t become all of M E

I regret little of what I’ve ever done. . .

even the not-so-good-kind-of-horrific-things

because they’ve all made up the tapestry of my life–especially the dark, ugly colors;

It’s the strands of threads that I didn’t allow to become a part of the mosaic. . .

to expand it

that taunts me.

It’s not the two-self published books,

it’s the yet-to-be published two novels,

five Children’s books,

three non-fiction books

and the yet to be written ones

that fill stacks of notebooks and overflowing file folders. . . .

I have no interest in spewing out the 63 greatest things I’ve learned in my

6 3 years. . .

I do believe that

R e l a t i o n s h i p s,

not technology or medical advances,

Heals me. . .

I do believe that LOVE is the greatest force in and out of this World

and when applied frequently and liberally YOU not only Change. . .

The Universe does, too. . .

I do believe that the secret to long life is simply never to let your heart stop beating or never passing up the opportunity of making Another’s beat better. . .

I do believe that

Life is not counted by pages on a calendar or minutes/seconds on a clock or candles on a cake. . .but

M O M E N T S

that can never be counted, calculated, measured or harnessed. . .

o n l y r e m e m b e r e d

way past a pulse, a heart beat, a breath

or any other means of defining Life that can’t be definite. . . .

B I R T H D A Y S
are never what they’re cranked up to be
no matter how many you continue to collect
none of them mean a thing
until you make everyday between them mean
E V E R Y T H I N G

So. . .about that cake. . .

I’ll pass. . .

but WOW. . .

that piece of Pecan Pie is looking mighty, mighty

f i n e !

Join me. . .we’ll call it a

Party. . .a never-ending Celebration

. . .Candles are optional

The Light is Blinding

(But, don’t Blink)