The Caring Catalyst

Who Cares - What Matters

I WONDER

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I             W     O     N     D     E     R

I wonder what motivates you.          .          .

I wonder what motivates me.          .          .

I wonder if I’m more motivated by the FEAR of Failure

I wonder if I’m more motivated by the FEAR of Success

I wonder if GOALS are a nice way to postpone the inevitable

I wonder if I planned to FAIL,  I would be 100% Successful

I wonder Why

I wonder WHY NOT

I wonder if you’re still reading

I wonder what you’re doing if you’re not

I wonder if you watched the whole 12 minute plus video

I wonder if you became even a little bit motivated

I wonder if you became shamed over someone else’s motivation/success

I wonder if you’re still reading

I wonder if you’re not

I             W     O     N     D     E     R

YOUR DECLARATION OF INDEPENDENCE

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DO  YOU  HAVE  ONE

Do   you   have   a   Personal
DECLARATION OF INDEPENDENCE ?

Would you even consider writing one of this 4th of July

in between picnics

in between family gatherings

in between the parties/the outings/

in between the FIREWORKS

Well.          .          .

may be it’s high time that you

Write Your Personal Declaration of Independence

“The beginning and the end reach out their hands to each other.” —Chinese proverb

I know it’s may well be past the 1/2
NEW YEAR MARK

B          U          T

Why  Wait?

WHY NOT CLAIM A REALLY NEW YEAR AS YOU DECLARE YOUR OWN PERSONAL
DECLARATION  OF  INDEPENDENCE

Here’s something to think about to really bring that spirit of freedom home to your own heart:
                              What will you declare YOUR independence from today?

What’s the tyrant that is holding you back from being all you can be?
Is it a not-so-healthy habit you want to let go of?
A stifling job?
A toxic relationship?
Someone who is pushing you in a direction that isn’t right for you?
Is it your need to always be right when interacting with others?
Constantly living in the past or blaming yourself for situations that aren’t totally under your control?
Or the debilitating habit of saying yes to everyone else instead of drawing boundaries and saying yes yourself?

What will you declare your independence from today?

It’s an important question that deserves some deep contemplation and, even better, a written commitment where you sign on the dotted line. Think of this as creating your own personal Independence Day—the day you vow to cut the tie, the day you declare your liberation from whatever or whomever is crushing that part of you that wants to fly.

Tips for writing your personal Declaration of Independence:

  • Be honest with yourself: Name something (or someone) that is holding you back from fully being yourself.
  • Write out your personal Declaration of Independence from this inner or outer tyrant with firm commitment and passion.
  • In your declaration, state exactly what you are committing to be free from and why this is important to you. What will you be able to accomplish by liberating yourself from this yoke?
  • You can also write that you are inviting and welcoming into your life all the support (physical, emotional, and/or spiritual) that you need to stick to your pledge of freedom.
  • Then write down the specific actions you will commit to in order to see this through to the finish.
  • Date and sign your declaration.

This can be the start of a new thrust for you, especially when you see this declaration as a pledge—a promise to yourself that you will choose to cut yourself free from the negative habit or toxic tie because it is dragging you down—even smothering you—rather than raising you up.  Sure, it might take some work.  But the commitment, in tangible form, is the essential first step.

The Scottish mountaineer W. H. Murray once wrote: “The moment one definitely commits oneself, then providence moves too. A whole stream of events issues from the decision, raising in one’s favor all manner of unforeseen incidents, meetings and material assistance, which no man could have dreamt would have come his way.”

Sounds like a NEW YEAR’S DAY or better still, a true
DECLARATION OF INDEPENDENCE DAY, huh?

Commit to your freedom today from one key thing that isn’t helping you thrive. See how it feels, and see what happens next. A new beginning is waiting for you.

And truly just don’t let the
F  I  R  E  W  O  R  K  S        B  E  G  I  N.          .          .

I   N   S   U   R   E

They will
N     E     V     E     R           E  N  D !

OFF THE TRACKS

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We always seem to be looking for the way.          .          .

or at least a new way,

A R E N ‘ T     W E ?

A path.          .          .

 In search of some wild and promiseful destinations.          .        .

And what do we find?

Just exactly  W H E R E   do our searches take us.          .          ?

What discoveries have we made when we set off for such a destination?

Could it be true

Is it even vastly possible

That maybe the greatest destinations

The greatest journeys

Are not those that we’ve set out for;

not those that we have tried to be in search of;

B                    U                    T

P E R H A P S

J U S T     M A Y B E

P O S S I B L Y

The ones that took us to a place

we absolutely had no idea

we had no way of knowing

we had no intention of going

And  yet  F O U N D

r       e       c       e       i       v       e       d

what we could’ve never gotten

 any other way

from any other place

or any other person.          .          .

Now that’s the

A          D          V          E          N          T          U          R          E

of life

and living

if it teaches us nothing else

it most surely must educate us to the possibility

that some of our best lessons

are those we never signed up

 and learned anyway just by going

O     F     F          T     R     A     C     K

C H O O  — C  H  O  O

AAAALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL     AAAAAAAA  —  B      O      A      R      D

The PROOF is in the GIVING

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Our Brains Are Wired To Give…

“Suppose you could be hooked up to a hypothetical “experience machine” that, for the rest of your life, would stimulate your brain and give you any positive feelings you desire. Most people to whom I offer this imaginary choice refuse the machine. It is not just positive feelings we want: we want to be entitled to our positive feelings.” — Dr. Martin Seligman

In 2014, a study led by neuroscientist Molly J. Crocket shed light on how much humans care about others relative to themselves. The results were surprising. They showed that, on average, people were willing to pay twice as much money to prevent someone else receiving an electric shock than the amount of money they would pay to prevent receiving the same amount of shock themselves.

At first, the conclusions seem puzzling. How does this fit with our survival bias, our innate sense of self-protection in the face of danger? A little experiment may help us understand this apparent contradiction.

In the next few days, do the following two things:

  1. Something fun.
  2. Something altruistic.

Plan both events and write about how you think doing those two different acts will make you feel. Then, immediately after completing the two activities, write down how you actually feel. At the end of the day, write down how you feel again, long after both events happened.

More likely than not, the high of doing something fun will last for a little bit and then fade away. It is a satisfaction that consumes itself shortly after the activity ends. If you go to the cinema and you enjoyed the movie, you will feel good after leaving the premises, but you won’t carry that feeling much longer after that.

However, if you perform a random act of kindness the feeling-good effect will endure for hours after the event happened. Try helping someone who can’t help you back; do it anonymously, or listening to someone in need. Or donating to a cause you truly believe in. The positive feelings stemming from the altruistic act will last for a long time after the event happened.

… And Positive Psychology Knows Why

Positive psychology is the field behind the scientific theory of happiness. Not so long ago, psychology focused only on helping troubled minds go back to a healthy state; Patients suffering from depression and other mental disorders. It sought to bring these patients back from “-10 to 0” on the well-being scale.

Positive psychology, on the other hand, looks to answer the question “what can make a healthy mind thrive?”. It looks scientifically into how we can go from “0 to +10” on the well-being scale. The father of positive psychology is Dr. Martin Seligman, author of books like “Authentic Happiness” and “Learned Optimism” and the founder of the Positive Psychology Center at the University of Pennsylvania.

After years of research, he came up with 5 core pillars that act as the infrastructure to our psychological well-being and happiness. It is called the PERMA model:

  • P for Positive Emotion: feeling good, optimism, pleasure and enjoyment.
  • E for Engagement: doing fulfilling work, having exciting hobbies, immersing oneself in a sense of “flow”.
  • R for Relationships: deep social connections, love, intimacy, emotional and physical interaction with others.
  • M for Meaning: having a purpose in life.
  • A for Accomplishment: setting and pursuing goals, realizing your ambition, living with a sense of achievement.

You can experience all of these in a single act of giving, whether it’s sharing a meal with a friend or donating a large sum to a good cause.

Why   Giving   Fulfills   Us

Giving adds to our lives in many different ways, but is also exactly in line with the PERMA model.

  • When we give, we generate positive emotions. This, among other things, triggers a physical reaction: the release of dopamine. This hormone is secreted by the brain and regulates pleasure. It also helps us create habits by stimulating the repetition of the activity that brought us pleasure in the first place, over and over again.
  • Giving also helps us make our relationships more engaging. It enhances the quality of our interactions with others. To receive the appreciation of someone we have just helped is not only rewarding at an individual level, but also a powerful way to cement our social bond with that person.

However, giving goes well beyond facilitating positive emotions or better interactions with others. It can become a profound driver of our success in life, by contributing directly to the meaning and accomplishment components of the PERMA model.

Giving   As   Purpose

In “Grit: The Power of Passion and Perseverance” by Penn’s psychologist Angela Duckworth, I learned about Kat Cole. Cole started her career waitressing at Hooters while finishing her high school. She later rose up to become vice president of the company at age 26. Today, Kat Cole is Group President of Focus Brands, an investor, humanitarian and advisor.

Here’s her attitude on giving:

“By doing good for just one person, in just one moment, you can affect the trajectory of many things, of many lives, all over the world. Even if in some situations it’s not easy to be kind, gracious or positive, keep in mind it’s not just that moment that you are affecting, it’s many moments into the future.”

She differentiates between productive achievers and destructive achievers. As per her own description in a recent interview:

“There are a lot of people who have been incredibly successful by the typical person’s definition, financially or in terms of career acceleration, but have done it destructively, by not lifting others up and bringing them along. Then there are those who have been productive achievers, who have also brought others along with them and made a difference.”

For Cole, her giving attitude implied raising others and bringing them along in her path towards growth. A deep sense of purpose, rooted on an abundance mentality, had a significant impact on her professional success.

Happiness has to be earned. It cannot be chased. It cannot be manufactured. Happiness is about the consistency of our daily actions with our principles. The way we respond to the daily demands of life. In that context, a virtuous circle of gratitude and giving — as proven by positive psychology, the science of happiness — becomes a critical element of a fulfilling life.

And now.      .       . THE  BIG  Sooooooooooo:

Psssssssssssssssssssssssssst:

LIFE is not a zero-sum game. An abundance mindset is both possible and practical. Science has shown our brains are wired to give because they prolong positive emotions from such interactions. Positive Psychology confirms this and gives us a model we can use to become productive achievers: PERMA.

It always comes back to one simple question:
Do you have a Caring Catalyst Heart.        .        .
There’s only one way to truly answer:
G     I     V     E            I     T

E M B A R R A S S E D

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What’s your most embarrassing moment?

Can you share it and not still feel embarrassed?

How many people know about this most embarrassing moment you’ve ever had?

 Who is involved in it.          .          .

Who sought out this most embarrassing incident you ever had.       .        .

 I always thought it was when I filed for bankruptcy;

 when I got a divorce;

when I got fired from a job;

when I failed a test and was called out in front of the whole 6th grade class;

 when I wasn’t able to show up more times than not to one of my kids or grandkids activities;

 when I said the wrong hurtful thing in front of a crowd

 at my student church when I had a Huge Freudian slip and directed peoples attention to the beautiful CENTERFOLD on the piano instead of the floral CENTERPIECE PIECE;

T           R           U           T           H.           .           .

When I saw this video I became embarrassed.          .           .

I became embarrassed

because I’ve had the biggest lead in my life

and I don’t know that I’ve done much with it.          .          .

or as much as I absolutely could have done

W  I  T  H    I  T;

especially when compared to others

I’ve been light years ahead because of

M  Y       P  R  I  V  I  L  E  G  E

F               A               C             T :

I can’t think of one thing

that would be more embarrassing

literally for the rest of my life:

After seeing this small clip not been different because of it or worse living differently

Y   o   u.             .             .

Are you embarrassed,

even slightly

because, like me,

you’ve gotten this tremendous head start

and not done as much as you could/would/should have.          .          .

L  I  K  E    M  E

it doesn’t make us better RACERS

It doesn’t make us more Competitive

It doesn’t make us more Hall of Fame Champions

It  just  makes  me  Embarrassed;

Even more Embarrassed

if  it  comes  across

P            R            E            A            C            H           Y

because’s there a Scripture at the end

THAT EVERY MAJOR RELIGION

and all the minor Ones 

e s p o u s e:

L O V E      O N E     A N O T H E R
I  N     W O R D,   T A L K,    I N    D E E D,   A N D     I N    T R U T H

Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.          .          .

doesn’t    that     apply    to    all    of    us.       .       .

or   is   it   too

E         M         B         A         R         R         A         S         S         I         N         G

t o    a d m i t

?

What’s The Use(s)

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ARE  YOU  T H A T  ARTIST

in your life.       .       .

In Another’s.         .        .

Are you The Christoper Columbus in Search of the lost Continent in you.     .     .     ?

7 lessons about finding the work you were meant to do.        .         .

I love articles like this

because they imply something magical could happen to you

if you just followed

THE STEPS

THE GUIDELINES

THE MAP

THE PERSONAL GPS

THE.     .     .THE.      .      .THE.     .     .THE.     .     .THE.     .     .THE.     .     .THE.     .    .

Apr 29, 2016 reaches back and shows us the vast possibilities.          .          .

Emily Pidgeon

You don’t “find your calling,” you fight for it — and other lessons from people who found their passion (sometimes late in life).

Whether it was during a career aptitude test or in a heart-to-heart chat after getting laid off, chances are someone has talked to you about how to “find your calling.” It’s one of those phrases people toss about. But StoryCorps founder Dave Isay takes issue with it … specifically, the verb.

“Finding your calling — it’s not passive,” he says. “When people have found their calling, they’ve made tough decisions and sacrifices in order to do the work they were meant to do.”

In other words, you don’t just “find” your calling — you have to fight for it. And it’s worth the fight. “People who’ve found their calling have a fire about them,” says Isay, the winner of the 2015 TED Prize. “They’re the people who are dying to get up in the morning and go do their work.”

Over a decade of listening to StoryCorps interviews, Isay noticed that people often share the story of how they discovered their calling — and now, he’s collected dozens of great stories on the subject into a new book, Callings: The Purpose and Passion of Work. Below, he shares 7 takeaways from the hard-won fight to find the work you love.

1. Your calling is at the intersection of a Venn diagram of three things: doing something you’re good at, feeling appreciated, and believing your work is making people’s lives better. “When those three things line up, it’s like lightning,” Isay says. He doesn’t suggest that a person has to be a surgeon saving lives to feel like they have a calling; think of the diner waitress who talks to customers and makes them feel loved. How do you find this overlap? “You have to shut out all the chatter of what your friends are telling you to do, what your parents are telling you to do, what society is telling you to do,” Isay says, “and just go to that quiet place inside you that knows the truth.”

2. Your calling often comes out of difficult experiences. What lurks in that quiet place will be a defining experience — quite possibly a painful one. Isay points to an interview in Callings with 24-year-old teacher Ayodeji Ogunniyi. “He was studying to be a doctor when his father was murdered. He realized that what he was really meant to do was be a teacher,” says Isay. “He says that every time he walks into a classroom, his father is walking in with him.” This theme of people turning their hardest experiences into a new path runs throughout the book. “Having an experience that really shakes you and reminds you of your mortality can be a very clarifying event in people’s lives. Oftentimes, it leads to changes,” he says. “We spend a lot of time working, so it can really change your priorities in terms of work life.”

3. Calling often takes courage and ruffles feathers. Elsewhere in Callings, we hear about Wendell Scott, who became the first African-American NASCAR driver in 1952, and kept on driving despite threats against his life. From scientist Dorothy Warburton who dealt with extreme sexism as she conducted research to break the stigma around miscarriage. From Burnell Cotlon, who opened the first grocery store in the Lower 9th Ward after Hurricane Katrina because he wasn’t about to let his old neighborhood’s spirit fade. Calling, says Isay, very often starts with taking a stand against a status quo that simply isn’t acceptable, and then dedicating your work to changing it: “It’s work ignited by hope, love, or defiance — and stoked by purpose and persistence.”

4. Other people often nudge you toward calling. Sharon Long had worked odd jobs most of her life. As Isay tells it, “Her daughter was going to college, and as the bursar was helping them with financial aid forms, she said quietly to herself, ‘I wish I could’ve gone to college.’ The bursar responded, ‘It’s not too late.’” Sharon enrolled in an art program, and on her advisor’s suggestion, took forensic anthropology as her science. “The advisor suggested it for no other reason than he thought it was the easiest science course for the science requirement,” says Isay. “But the minute she sat in that class, it was boom — this is what she was meant to do.” Isay tells this story to illustrate how calling, while very personal, is also relational. “People bump you this way and that way,” he says, often without realizing it. “When people find their callings, they want to honor those people who helped them get there.”

5. What comes after identifying your calling is what really matters. The old ‘finding your calling’ phraseology makes it sound like a calling is a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow — you find it, and the story’s over. But Isay stresses that your calling is an ongoing process. “Understanding what your calling is — that’s very different than the blood, sweat and tears of actually doing it,” he says. Pursuing a calling may require going back to school or apprenticing; it may require starting a business. Often, notes Isay, it leads a person into a line of work that’s in service of others. “This book is basically a love letter to nurses, teachers, social workers — the people who don’t often get celebrated for the work they do,” he says.

6. Age is irrelevant. Isay found his calling when he was 21 and interviewed a man who’d been part of the Stonewall riots. “The minute I hit record, I knew that being a journalist and interviewing people was what I was going to do for the rest of my life,” he says. “I feel very lucky that lightning struck when I was very young.” But collecting stories for the book reminded him that a calling can be discovered at any age. The book includes an interview with someone who knew they wanted to be an NBA referee at age 15, and another who worked as an accountant for 30 years before discovering his passion for slicing lox. “Doing the work you’re meant to do is one of the most satisfying, remarkable experiences that a person can have,” says Isay, “so never give up.”

7. Calling often doesn’t come with a big paycheck. Another trend Isay sees in stories of people who find their calling: they often involve leaving a high-paying job for one that’s lower-paying but more satisfying. “The message we send to young people is that you want to do as little work as you can to make as much money as you can — that’s the dream,” says Isay. “But the wisdom in the StoryCorps archive is that there’s another, much more rewarding dream of taking risks and working very hard to live with integrity.” In the end, that’s the lesson he took away from writing this book. “There are no millionaires, no billionaires, no celebrities, nobody with a big Twitter following,” he says. “Just stories can teach us a lot about lives fully lived.”

Even more powerful is this one single, revelation:

The DEBUNKING of one of the worst lies ever told to you,

made even more devastating because it’s told to you by people you love;

People you admire; look up to; respect.          .          .

YOU HAVE A PURPOSE.          .          .
(NO  YOU  DON’T)

YOU HAVE A MEANING.          .          .
(THAT’S  A  LIE)

YOU HAVE A DESTINY.            .          .
(THAT’S  A  BUNCH  OF  BUNK)

YOU HAVE A REASON.             .          .
(THAT’S A CROCK OF SOMETHING STANKY YOU DON’T WANT IN YOUR PANTRY)

T          R          U          T          H :

You don’t have a Purpose

You don’t have a Meaning

You don’t have a Destiny

You don’t have a Reason.          .          .

THEY   ARE   PLURAL.          .          .

Not   SINGULAR

The Purpose
The Meaning
The Destiny
The Reason

Y   O   U

had as a infant wasn’t the one you had as a toddler or a pre-schooler or in junior high or when you graduated from high school, college, with your first full time job, when you got married, had kids, got divorced, remarried, more kids, another career, moved, had grandkids, retired.          .          .

F          A           C          T :

You’ve had more Purposes,
You’ve had more Meanings,
You’ve had more Destinies,
You’ve had more Reasons

slip through your hands than you’ve ever taken advantage;

THEY  ARE  ENDLESS

and FOREVER CHURNING IN YOU

WHAT’S     THE     USE(S)

what indeed for

N                    O                    W

IT MAKES YOU THINK

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I love the story of a man who died and went to Heaven.          .          .

When he arrives at the Pearly Gates,

Saint Peter asks him just one simple question:

“HOW  DID  YOU  ENJOY  HEAVEN?”

Psssssssssssssssssssssssssssssst:

D   O   N  ‘  T        W   A   I   T

Not one of us can

A  D  D

another Day to our Lives.          .          .

but there’s also not a

Single ONE of US

that can’t

I       N       C       R       E       A       S       E

more LIFE to any Day

W  E      L  I  V  E.          .          .

D          O          N   ‘   T          

W          A          I          T

Being a PLURAL

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Lots of Questions, huh.          .          .

Maybe none bigger

Maybe none more important

T                     H                     A                     N :

W H I C H     O N E ?

If you could only choose just one of your P U R P O S E S

If you could only choose just one of your R E A S O N S

If you could only choose just one of your M E A N I N G S

If you could only choose just one of your D E S T I N I E S 

WHICH  ONE  WOULD  YOU  CHOOSE?

What would be your criteria for choosing?

Would you go Simple.        .         .

Would you go Challenging.        .        .

Sitting on the Fence never got anyone much but a hole in their pants

and   a   sore   R U M P.          .          .

Does your  P L A N     A

include the Possibilities

of   O T H E R       O  P  T  I  O  N  S

Minister
Chaplain
Officiant
Professional Speaker
Writer
Published Author 
Counselor
Husband
Father
Grandfather 
Son
Brother
Uncle
Friend

These are the roles that pop into my own head

and occupy my life

on a daily basis

and if I had to be

S I N G U L A R

and not be a

P   L  U  R  A  L

which one would I pick.        .        .

not so much which one would I hone in on.       .       .

which ONE would I eliminate.        .        .

which ONE would I unravel

not only from my own multicolored Tapestry

but from the fabric of so many other lives

who have intermeshed with my own.        .        .

SHOULD    I    PUT    IT    TO    A    VOTE.          .          .

and just who are the proper Constituents

to   the

U   N   I   V   E   R   S   E       o f       C   H   U   C   K

Does the Sea

in all of it’s vastness

just lap the SHORE

O          N          C          E

.          .          .which wave is the most important one

.          .          .which wave is the least of all the others

Life is never counted by Candles on a Cake.         .        .

but   by   M O M E N T S

M          O          M          E         N          T          S

that don’t compete with another to yell out

I AM THE GREATEST.       .       .

M          O          M         E          N          T          S

that are threads to the

MOSAIC   OF    ME 

We don’t have to CHOOSE

WE JUST HAVE TO UTILIZE

and the best part:

You don’t have to PICK PLURAL

you just have to simply embrace it.           .          .

HAPPINESS  IS  IN  YOUR  HANDS

to      h o l d

to       s h a r e

to     r e c o g n i z e

Sometimes.     .     .

The biggest

M   I   S   S — T  A  K  E

is waiting for the   L  I  G  H  T

to TURN ON

without ever recognizing

it’s   never   been

O     F     F

.          .        .It’s not enough to embrace

YOUR  PLURALITY.       .       .

S H A R E     I T

(o f t e n)

in      all      of      It’s

W                 A                 Y                S

 

How to END Resolutions

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Lot of questions.       .       .

especially when it surrounds

R E S O L U T I O N S.           .          .

DO   YOU

Make   T H E M

Keep   T H E M

Break  T H  E  M

.          .          .Uhhhhhhhhhh just like everything else.          .          .

There’s a SCIENCE

To Resolutions

and Most Definitely why they just don’t work.          .          .

GOOD  NEWS ?

Only If there’s another alternative.          .          .

one that THE STUDIES

tell us are much more effective:

H                 A                 B                 I                  T                 S

How many New Year’s resolutions have you made in your life? How many have you successfully accomplished? The estimate is that less than 10% of New Year’s resolutions are actually achieved (University of Scranton Psychology Professor John C. Norcross, Ph.D.). There’s a lot of homespun folksy advice out there this time of year about how to make sure you reach your New Year’s goals, but I thought I’d share the actual science of how to change behavior.

There’s two main lines of brain and behavior science that influence New Year’s resolutions: The science of habits and the science of self-stories.

Let’s start with the science of habits.

A lot of New Year’s resolutions have to do with making new habits or changing existing ones. If your resolutions are around things like eating healthier, exercising more, drinkingless, quitting smoking, texting less, spending more time “unplugged” or any number of other “automatic” behaviors then we are talking about changing existing habits or making new habits. Habits are automatic, “conditioned” responses. You get up in the morning and stop at Starbucks for a pastry and a latte. You go home at the end of work and plop down in front of the TV.  Here’s what you need to know about the science of changing existing habits or making new ones:

  • Contrary to popular opinion, it’s not hard to change habits IF you do so based on science.
  • To change a new habit you essentially have to create a new one, so whether you are changing an existing habit or creating a new one, the “scientific” method for doing so is the same.
  • You have already created literally HUNDREDS of habits that you have now, and you don’t even remember how they got started, so creating habits can’t be that hard or you wouldn’t have so many of them!

To create a new habit you have to follow these three steps (based on B.J. Fogg and Charles Duhigg)

  1. You MUST pick a small action. “Get more exercise” is not small. “Eat healthier” is not small. This is a big reason why New Year’s resolutions don’t work. If it’s a habit and you want a new one it MUST be something really small. For example, instead of “Get more exercise” choose “Walk 1/3 more than I usually do” or “Take the stairs each morning to get to my office, not the elevator”, or “Have a smoothie every morning with kale in it”. These are relatively small actions.
  2. You MUST attach the new action to a previous habit. Figure out a habit you already have that is well established, for example, if you already go for a brisk walk 3 times a week, then adding on 10 more minutes to the existing walk connects the new habit to an existing one. The existing habit “Go for walk” now becomes the “cue” for the new habit: “Walk 10 more minutes.” Your new “stimulus-response” is Go For Walk (Stimulus) followed by “Add 10 minutes.” Your existing habit of “walk through door at office” can now become the “cue” or stimulus for the new habit of “walk up a flight of stairs.” Your existing habit of “Walk into the kitchen in the morning” can now be the stimulus for the new habit of “Make a kale smoothie.”
  3. You MUST make the new action EASY to do for at least the first week. Because you are trying to establish a conditioned response, you need to practice the new habit from the existing stimulus from 3 to 7 times before it will “stick” on its own. To help you through this 3 to 7 times phase make it as EASY as possible. Write a note and stick it in your walking shoe that says “Total time today for walk is 30 minutes”. Write a note and put it where you put your keys that says: “Today use the stairs.” Put the kale in the blender and have all your smoothie ingredients ready to go in one spot in the refrigerator

E                  A                    S                    Y   ?

If you take these three steps and you practice them 3 to 7 days in a row your new habit will be established.

Now let’s tackle the science of self-stories.

The best (and some would say the only) way to get a large and long-term behavior change, is by changing your self-story.

Everyone has stories about themselves that drive their behavior. You have an idea of who you are and what’s important to you. Essentially you have a “story” operating about yourself at all times. These self-stories have a powerful influence on decisions and actions.

Whether you realize it or not, you make decisions based on staying true to your self-stories. Most of this decision-making based on self-stories happens unconsciously. You strive to be consistent. You want to make decisions that match your idea of who you are. When you make a decision or act in a way that fits your self-story, the decision or action will feel right. When you make a decision or act in a way that doesn’t fit your self-story you feel uncomfortable.

If you want to change your behavior and make the change stick, then you need to first change the underlying self-story that is operating. Do you want to be more optimistic? Then you’d better have an operating self-story that says you are an optimistic person. Want to join your local community band? Then you’ll need a self-story where you are outgoing and musical.

In his book, Redirect, Timothy Wilson describes a large body of impressive research of how stories can change behavior long-term. One technique he has researched is “story-editing”:

  1. Write out your existing story. Pay special attention to anything about the story that goes AGAINST the new resolution you want to adopt. So if your goal is to learn how to unplug and be less stressed, then write out a story that is realistic, that shows that it’s hard for you to de-stress, that  you tend to get overly involved in dramas at home or at work.
  2. Now re-write the story — create a new self-story. Tell the story of the new way of being. Tell the story of the person who appreciates life, and takes time to take care of him/her-self.

The technique of story-editing is so simple that it doesn’t seem possible that it can result in such deep and profound change. But the research shows that one re-written self-story can make all the difference.

I’ve tried both of these techniques — creating new habits using the 3-step method, and creating a new self-story. The research shows they work, and my own experience shows they work.

Give it a try. What have you got to lose? This year use science to create and stick to your New Year’s resolutions.

What do you think? What has worked for you in keeping your resolutions?

References

Timothy Wilson’s book, Redirect

Charles Duhigg’s book, The Power of Habit:

 

The NEXTING

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Unknown

The road was before him.       .       .

After taking such a long time to look at it and get advice on what steps to take, what was ahead and how it was to be best traveled; after getting detailed maps and marking off the best, most direct routes, firing up the most sophisticated of GPS Systems, he finally started off with one  s i n g l e   s t e p

M       O       M       E       N       T       O       U       S

One    Solitary   Step

was all it really took for the journey.    .    .and it was quite an excursion!

He walked and ran and then walked  and ran some more.

 One step sometimes was more similar than the one before,

but he walked on;

Sometimes, he ran faster;

Sometimes, he crawled slower;

Sometimes, he just stood still, not moving even an inch for days.        .        .

P       A       R       A       L       Y       Z       E       D

The road never much accommodated him.  It never took one step for him or moved him forward.  At times it would present him challenges.  Because of it’s flaws he would slip, fall, get scrapped and cut, bloodied and bruised.  Exhausted most of the time from his seemingly never ending wanderings, the road would never assist him, but it did just what a road was suppose to do:

P    R    O    V    I    D    E           P    A    S    S    A    G    E

U               N               T               I               L  .         .         .  

He came to that ominous  FORK  in the Road.        .        .

It wasn’t the first one he had ever seen or even had been confronted, but this was a  monumental fork;  

at least he made it be so.        .        .

Maybe it was out of frustration. Maybe it was inspiration or just plain desperation or exasperation, but he didn’t choose left or right this time.  He went straight
ahead.      .      .tore up his maps, unheeded his expensive advice, became deaf to the pleading-ever-rerouting-of the GPS; discarded his vast experience and he  trudged on.         .        .

His every step was a new road planted and his heart palpitated with excitement, adventure and purpose until he came to the

A  P  P  A  R  E  N  T       E  N  D

Before him was a huge cater.  It was wider than he could see across, deeper than he could his eyes could focus and longer than the horizon could swallow.       .       .

It was then, unfortunately, he discovered that with each step he had taken, not only had he advanced at least one more step, but he had also erased forever the step before.

R     E     T     U     R     N

and

G   O   I   N   G      B  A  C  K

were not even concepts, let alone, possibilities.

He waited.        .        .waited.       .       .at the end of his next step with all of its  enlightened darkened promise.

It wasn’t in a step taken or dared, but he had the sense as he damned his foolish actions of not staying on the path,    

right at     T H A T      precise moment,

A L L     R O A D S

led to the place that he was standing; that in fact, it would have never had mattered which road he would have ever taken whenever because they would have all led him to this exact same place.       .       .

ALL     OF     THEM !

He had discovered at that flash,  the  Mystery  of  Life:

There’s no turning or going back because everything leads to where he was standing!

and an even grander enigma:

Coming to the End of the Horizon is never a Conclusion so much as a Commencement!

Head head high, air rushing through his nostrils, blood pulsating through his veins liked a busted dam,

he  did  it.

The wait was over.

He stepped out

One  Step

O     N     E

It took him to  that  place of endless beginnings;

There were no  goings-back  

nor desire to do so.       .       .

The Step Taken,

The Chance Seized,

The Day-That-Would-Never-End,

B          E          G          U          N

F O R E V E R

Pssssssssssssssssst   of   the   Day:

No   need   for   a   New   Year   when   Every   Step   Brings   You   Endless  

New   Beginnings,  

Always!

W  A  L  K       O  N

 

Professional Speaker, Author, Assurance Man