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UnSmothered Love
The line has stuck with me for well over
T W E N T Y Y E A R S. . .
and I suspect for the rest of my life as a father;
Did you hear it?
Is it one of your favorite lines, too,
in the SHADOW OF FATHER’S DAY. . .
“YOUR FLAWS AS A SON ARE MY FAILURES AS A FATHER.”
S E R I O U S L Y:
Have you ever thought,
“IF I WAS A BETTER PARENT,
maybe my children would be better,
not suffered as much”
Yes, I have suffered many little deaths
along the way as any dad would/does. . .
Children always have a way of ripping your heart out
without a scalpel and tramping
on your aorta;
watching it as flutters,
sputters blood
and seamlessly stops beating
by either what they say/do
or don’t say or do. . .
But my father’s heart has never stopped loving,
never stop caring,
never stop giving,
and I believe it’s what makes me who I am
and who I want to continue to be. . .
It’s hard work;
it’s an endless job
from which I will never retire
and of which I will never seek to do so. . .

Now for that
MISSING PIECE. . .
that completes
t h a t
puzzle of
UnSMOTHERED
L O V E
THE HAPPINESS GRAB
IT’S THE ONE THING
THAT EVERYONE STOPS AND REACHES
whether it’s family
whether it’s work
whether it’s downtime
whether it’s personal as personal can be
H A P P I N E S S

but mere S-E-N-S-E. . .

Dopamine (reward)
Dopamine is often associated with reward-seeking and goal-oriented behavior.
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- Complete a small and easy task (making your bed, washing the dishes, send an email).
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- Celebrate a small win (something you accomplished recently).
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- Eat a healthy but enjoyable snack (in moderation).
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- Complete a small puzzle or game.
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- Reflect on a positive memory you had recently, however small it may be.
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- Finish reading a chapter of a book.
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- Clean one thing or go on a tidying marathon one afternoon.
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- Practice a power-pose to boost your physical and mental confidence.
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- Create a timeline for your goals to get a clearer vision of your future.
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- Take a temporary break from a pleasurable habit (to reset your hedonic treadmill).
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- Learn how to savor your positive experiences.
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- Schedule something exciting in the future to look forward to (the power of anticipation).
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- Buy yourself something nice, but recognize retail therapy is only a temporary fix.
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- Take a break from social media, which can often lead to a “dopamine burnout” from easy likes and attention. Pay attention to your digital environment.
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- Learn about a new and exciting topic, but don’t become an information junkie.
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- Set a new goal for yourself (something realistic and attainable).
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- Take personality tests or psychology quizzes to learn more about yourself.
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- Make sure your diet includes important vitamins and minerals associated with dopamine production (especially iron, niacin, folate and vitamin B6).
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- Put a fun twist on ordinary activities to make them more enjoyable.
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- Find activities that put you into a state of “flow,” where you lose sense of time and become fully engaged.
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- Consume more positive news – and share it with others!
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- Complete a personal project or “passion project” that isn’t related to work or family.
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- Identify a strength or “superpower” of yours.
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- Recite positive affirmations that resonate with you and inspire you.
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- Share an accomplishment of yours with someone who’d be proud of you.
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- Play a video game you enjoy and you’re good at (in moderation).
- Cultivate a diverse range of interests and hobbies, so nothing ever gets stale.
Oxytocin (love/bonding)
Oxytocin is often associated with feelings of love, affection, and bonding.
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- Give someone a long hug (or hug yourself).
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- Play with a pet (especially a dog or cat).
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- Play with kids.
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- Cradle a baby.
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- Give someone a genuine compliment.
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- Wrap yourself in a comfy and warm blanket.
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- Cuddle with a loved one (while in bed or watching TV).
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- Volunteer for a cause that means something to you.
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- Practice a loving-kindness meditation to cultivate good intentions toward everyone.
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- Give or receive a massage or back rub.
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- Spend romantic alone time with your partner.
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- Embrace human touch, even in small ways such as a handshake or pat on the back.
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- Prepare a meal together with someone you love.
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- Collaborate on an art project with someone.
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- Listen to someone who needs someone to vent to and provide emotional validation.
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- Give a random gift or present to someone you care about.
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- Tell someone you love them.
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- Take a nice hot bath.
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- Practice eye-gazing with a loved one.
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- Empathize with someone who is less fortunate than you.
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- Write a letter of appreciation for someone.
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- Practice synchronized breathing or mirroring.
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- Participate in a group music activity, such as a drum circle or choir.
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- Use more “we”-language in your relationships.
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- Reach out to a person you trust when you need support or someone to listen.
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- Permit yourself to fall in love with someone and have a long-term relationship.
- Recognize your sense of oneness with everything.
Serotonin (happiness/mood)
Serotonin is often associated with mood regulation and happiness.
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- Practice meditation, such as a simple breathing meditation.
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- Go for a long walk.
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- Spend more time outside nd learn to appreciate everyday nature.
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- Sit in the sun and enjoy it (especially when boosting mental health in the winter).
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- Pursue a creative hobby, such as painting, music, photography, or filmmaking.
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- Listen to your favorite music, one of the most common ways we regulate our mood and emotions.
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- Do more aerobic exercises like swimming, running, or cycling.
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- Think kind thoughts about yourself to practice self-compassion.
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- Practice a progressive muscle relaxation to relax both your body and mind.
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- Go to a live event, festival, or concert.
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- Engage in more “awe”-inspiring experiences, like star-gazing, going to a museum, or visiting the zoo.
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- Identify one thing you are grateful for every day – make gratitude a daily mental habit.
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- Write in a daily journal about your thoughts and feelings (or try one of these writing prompts for self-reflection).
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- Maintain a consistent and healthy sleep schedule between 6-10 hours every night.
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- Train your mind to be more positive. Try to minimize complaining and talking about problems too much.
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- Drink green tea.
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- Consume high protein foods that contain tryptophan such as salmon, turkey, eggs, and nuts (or take a supplement).
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- Improve your body awareness through mindful stretching, Yoga, or Tai Chi.
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- Consume healthy probiotics in your diet (yogurt, kombucha, sauerkraut, pickles, and fermented foods).
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- Find opportunities to engage in healthy reflection.
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- Have a genuine and meaningful conversation with someone (know the difference between small talk vs. big questions).
- Participate in a religious or spiritual ceremony.
Endorphins (energy/pain-killer)
Endorphins are often associated with stimulation, energy, and feelings of relief (pain-killers).
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- Laugh a lot with friends.
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- Watch a comedy movie or funny TV show.
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- Go for a long run (also known as “runner’s high”).
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- Have an intense workout at the gym.
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- Engage in a competitive activity.
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- Pursue extreme sports (surfing, biking, skateboarding).
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- Eat dark chocolate.
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- Engage in positive thrill-seeking (like amusement parks, rollercoasters, or skydiving).
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- Dance to fast and upbeat music.
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- Take a cold shower to shock your body and boost your adrenaline.
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- Practice improvisation exercises where you can engage in spontaneous creative thinking and playful risk-taking.
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- Do something you’ve always wanted to, but you’re nervous to try. Learn how to channel anxiety into motivation.
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- Eat really spicy foods.
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- Engage in a healthy but lively debate about a topic you care a lot about.
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- Approach new people you want to meet, even if it’s a tiny 10 second relationship.
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- Go to a fun and wild party or night club.
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- Do a quick high-intensity workout (cycle through jumping jacks, push-ups and crunches).
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- Have passionate sex with your partner.
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- Learn how to play a musical instrument at a high level.
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- Perform something in front of an audience (such as a song, poem, or speech). Face your performance anxiety.
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- Enjoy a glass or two of red wine at night.
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- Get a chiropractic massage, deep-tissue massage, or try acupuncture.
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- Challenge yourself and put yourself in a situation you know you will fail. Setting yourself up to fail on purpose can be a great way to test your limits.
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- Sit in a hot sauna or jacuzzi.
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- Smell euphoric essential oils such as lavender, rosemary, or citrus fragrances.
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- Practice fast and powerful breathing to boost your energy levels.
- Watch a really intense drama or thriller movie.
Are you getting a healthy dose of all these “happiness chemicals?”
GUARANTEE?
ABSOLUTELY:
NONE OF THESE 100+ HAPPINESS HACKS
Will ever happen
unless you
try’s on for size. . .
Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, what do you have to lose??
H A P P I N E S S
W A R
Serbian saying: “In war the politicians give ammunition, the rich give the food and the poor give their children… When the war is over the politicians get back the leftover ammunition, the rich grow more food and the poor search for the graves of their children.”
WORDS
W o R d S
are all pretty meaningless
even if they are
ACTION WORDS
until they are
LIVING WORDS
THE WORLD IS MADE UP OF DEAD ENDS
DESOLATE
WAR TORN PLACES
(and that’s not even talking about the wars that are being waged in ourselves)
It reminds me of the words of the poet,
Warsan Shire
For the World’s sake
For your sake
(Literally) For God’s sake
we’ve got to Caring Catalyst UP
not Someday
(which can never be found on anyone’s Calendar)
but TODAY
IT’S time to BE
what the World needs
right where you are at
and to everyone you touch. . .
RAIN FALLS
When the rain falls
it gathers in the potholes
the dipped
not so evenly carved out
valleys
deep earth scars
that hold it
more tenderly
than Angel hugs
until unnoticed
drop by drop
they evaporate in a
Sun’s Shine
that can never be imagined
only experienced
so that it wishes
for yet another time
when the rain falls
Not ANOTHER Birthday
Mark Twain
once said,
“The two most important days in your life are
THE DAY YOU ARE BORN
a n d
THE DAY YOU FIND OUT WHY”
We celebrate a person’s Birthday
Not because of the Day that they were born
But because of what they have born
Because of what they have given Birth in us. . .
I’ve celebrated well over 36
of my wife,
Erin’s Birthday’s
with her
And not one of them
has ever been without the over apparent
R E C O G N I T I O N
that I,
that many
are far more better
no so much
because she’s been Born
but because of what she has BIRTHED
in us. . .
Erin
creates
CARING CATALYSTS
in everyone she meets
or those who come across
her paths

“I never saw it coming
and all of a sudden
there was YOU
and I don’t have to live without you anymore. . .”
which means that the best
Birthday Gift of all
Is what you cause to be born in others. . .
Your Colorful Confetti
just doesn’t’ flutter from you. . .
IT EXPLODES ALL OVER US
and
THROUGH US

There’s no Candle on a Cake
that could ever illuminate more
and it’s
u n e x t i n g u i s h a b l e

Some actually powerfully prove
their Flicker
never compares to the
F L A M E
they ignite
and spread to others
. . .talk about a
fortunate inextinguishable inferno. . .
Monster Chasers
I cry
. . .A lot
Movies
Well written passages
Music
Always music
And this time certainly was no exception
It’s more than a cleansing
It’s a renewing
It’s a bare vulnerability
That’s never made me feel more
Naked
And warmly clothed
At the same time.
It makes my heart beat
So much differently
And so much better
It makes me care deeper
Love without limits or any hints
Of conditions
It makes me purely
A Caring Catalyst
And I’m tempted
Always
To ruin
THAT MOMENT
knowing that it can’t last
But here’s the best news:
IT DOESN’T HAVE TO
It’s what makes the moment
THE MOMENT
AND YES,
A Lifetime can be lived in a moment
And ohhhhhhhhh
look at the time
THAT MOMENT
THAT LIFETIME
can can
BE
right now. . .
Especially if I’m about chasing away
A loved one’s monsters
The only thing better than the title of
MONSTER CHASER
is actually
BEING ONE
Join me
You lifetime-in-a-moment-Liver

BROKEN PIECES
Our Broken Pieces
never cut
wound
or cause scarsThey are incisions
in the soul
that never need a
stitch or a stapleThe closing
would be the
worst injury
of all
S h A t T e R e D
escapes it
IT SO IMPORTANT
TO KNOW
RE-LEARN
S H O W
to be more of
A CARING CATALYST
than ever before
(EVERY BROKEN PIECE OF YOU)
CHRISTMAS when it ISN’T
I want to live in a World
where it’s
C H R I S T M A S
m o s t
WHEN IT ISN’T
where
PEACE ON EARTH
isn’t a dream
where
GOODWILL
is standard
where
PRESENTS
aren’t so much given
as GIVEN
where
my Best
becomes your BETTER
where
words don’t describe
but our ACTIONS do
where
SILENT NIGHT
shouts
what a heart beats
and a mouth can’t begin to whisper
where
______________
we fill in all of the blanks
where
a forever
is lived in a moment
that needs no years
or eternity
where
(oh where)
it all begins in me
but quickly
spreads infectiously to
o t h e r s
(continuously)
THE TUDE OF RUDE

Photo by Jan Kopřiva on Pexels.com
The ongoing Pandemic
has heaped a lot of feelings and emotions
on us
with little to no let up
on the horizon
or. . .
maybe it’s just torn down the curtain
that exposes what has always been
T H E R E :
THE TUDE OF RUDE
or
THE RUDE TUDE
that seems to be unleashed
and not anytime to be corralled
or fenced in. . .
Why Everyone Is So Rude Right Now
In a recent article from TIME MAGAZINE, Belinda Luscombe wrote that September 2021 was a bad month for manners. On the 21st, a woman pulled a gun on servers at a Philadelphia fast food restaurant when they asked her to order online. On the 16th, several women from Texas pummeled a hostess at a New York City family-style restaurant. A few days prior to that a Connecticut mother was investigated for slapping an elementary school bus driver and that same week, a California woman was charged with felony assaultfor attacking a SouthWest airlines flight attendant and dislodging some of her teeth.
Re-entry into polite society is proving to be a little bumpy. . .
Of course, it’s the people-have-lost-their-everloving-minds incidents that make the news, but they are also a reflection of a deeper trend; Americans appear to have forgotten their manners, especially with those whose job it is to assist them. Lawyers are reporting ruder clients. Restaurants are reporting ruder clients. Flight attendants, for whom rude clients are no novelty, are reporting mayhem. (FAA fines for unruly behavior have already exceeded a million dollars this year.) So legion are the reports of discourtesy that some customer-facing businesses have been forced to play Miss Manners.
Visitors to the Indiana University Health system are now greeted by a sign that reads, “Please take responsibility for the energy you bring into this space …your behaviors matter.” The Cleveland Clinic uses what it calls behavioral contracts when patients’ behavior is continually difficult. The clinic issued nine such contracts in 2017; so far this year, it’s issued 111.
It’s not just health systems. The Rhode Island Hospitality Association, after an an emergency meeting in July, devised a Please Be Kind Toolkit for it members, including downloadable posters. The Massachusetts Restaurant Association launched a billboard campaign to remind patrons that restaurants are still coming back up to speed, so things might move a bit slower than usual. Nevertheless, people have been so rude that at least one restaurant in the area felt obliged to close for a day to give its employees time to recover from the impoliteness of the guests.
Some people may have thought that, having been prevented from mingling with other humans for a period, folks would greet the return of social activity with hugs, revelry and fellowship. But in many ways, say psychologists, the long separation has made social interactions more fraught. The combination of a contagious, life-threatening disease and a series of unprecedented, life-altering changes in the rules of human engagement have left people anxious, confused and, especially if they do not believe the restrictions were necessary, deeply resentful.
Our ‘fight’ instincts are triggered
“We’re going through a time where physiologically, people’s threat system is at a heightened level,” says Bernard Golden, a psychologist and the author of Overcoming Destructive Anger. This period of threat has been so long that it may have had a damaging effect on people’s mental health, which for many has then been further debilitated by isolation, loss of resources, the death of loved ones and reduced social support. “During COVID there has been an increase in anxiety, a reported increase in depression, and an increased demand for mental health services,” he adds. Lots of people, in other words, are on their very last nerve. This is true, he adds, whether they believe the virus is an existential threat or not. Simply put, “Half the people fear COVID,” says Golden. “Half the people fear being controlled.”
Heightening the anxiety, the current situation is completely unfamiliar to most people. “Nobody expected what happened. We didn’t have time to prepare psychologically,” says Cristina Bicchieri, director of the Center for Social Norms and Behavioral Dynamics at the University of Pennsylvania. Then, just as it seemed like the danger had passed, other limitations arrived; staff shortages, product shortages, longer delivery times. “People think, ‘O.K, now we can go shopping and go out,’ and they find that life is not back to normal,” Bicchieri says. “There is an enormous amount of frustration.”
This is an atmosphere which can ruffle even normally very calm people, or in which very slight infractions can set off those with less of a handle on their emotions. (And with an overloaded mental health care system, those who need help may not be getting it.) Golden had a client who grew so irate when the car in front of him did not respond quickly enough to a green light that he followed it home and went and knocked on the driver’s window. “I said to him, ‘In Chicago? Are you nuts?’” says Golden.
Power dynamics have shifted
It’s not a coincidence, psychologists say, that much of the incivility occurs towards people who are in customer service industries. “People feel almost entitled to be rude to people who are not in a position of power,” says Hans Steiner, emeritus professor of psychiatry at Stanford University. “Especially when they come at them, and remind them of the fact that they have to do their piece to get rid of this pandemic.”
The workers who are now in charge of enforcing rules are traditionally regarded as caregivers and servers. The power dynamic has been completely upended. And of course, it’s always easier to punch down. “It’s displaced anger,” says Bernard. “They’re angry about other things but they take it out in those encounters.”
It wasn’t like Americans were exactly overlooking their differences before the pandemic. Some researchers point to the increase in crude public discourse, both from political leaders and in online discussion—which encourages outsized emotions—as the gateway rudeness that has led to the current wave. “We don’t filter ourselves as much as we used to,” says Bernard. “On the internet, people feel like they can say anything. They no longer guard themselves. And I think they transfer that lack of filter into public life. I think from leadership that we’ve had in the last number of years, that’s only been more encouraged.”
But it goes deeper: Impolite interactions are not the only thing that’s on the rise; crimes are too. “We’re seeing measurable increases in all kinds of crimes, so that suggests to me that there is something changing,” says Jay Van Bavel, associate professor of psychology and neural science, and co-author of a book on social harmony, The Power of Us, that came out in September. He suggests the reasons for the rise in both are structural and profound; America has lost sense of social cohesion, as a result of the widening gaps between the wealthy and working class. “The more inequality you get—which has gotten really bad in the last few decades—the less of a sense of cohesion there are across socioeconomic classes,” he says. “That’s something that if that’s not addressed is going to continue to cause turmoil.”
The rules were rewritten
There’s some international agreement that the situation may not just be one where people have forgotten their manners, or are out of practice because everyone had to stop shaking hands for a while. Matteo Bonotti and Steven T. Zech, both of the politics department at Monash University in Melbourne, Australia, who wrote Recovering Civility During Covid 19, conclude that even if the people were initially bamboozled because they had to communicate using a new set of rules, that soon wore off.
“At the very beginning [of the pandemic] people just didn’t know how to be polite,” says Zech. It was hard to communicate a smile, and it became necessary to avoid rather than embrace people. But after a certain point, the unintentional rudeness became intentional and deliberate. “It’s meant to call attention to what they see as this kind of unjust policy, some discrimination, or some infringement on some other right,” says Zech. In the minds of some of the individuals, snapping at the flight attendant is not rude, it’s civil disobedience.
If the rash of bad behavior is not just short-term impatience with the unique situation and actually a symbol of something much deeper, then unwinding it will be more difficult than merely giving flight attendants more training on what to do with with mid-air contretemps, although that can’t hurt. Meanwhile psychologists suggest that people slow down, breathe out more slowly and lower their voices when encountering difficult social situations or irate people so as not to make any situation worse. “All of anger management,” says Bernard, “involves pausing.” Unless, of course, the traffic light is green.
THERE GOES THE NEIGHBORHOOD
has taken on a whole other definition
since Mr. Rogers has moved on. . .
when the mandate was really simple:
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