Who Cares - What Matters
D A R E
we believe that there’s more that connects us
than we are aware. . .
D A R E
BELIEVE IT
and D A R E
more to
Live Like It. . .
Because in the end. . .
THERE IS ONLY US
Mary always, gives me, like so many others, the most essential of Moments:
It doesn’t have to be
the blue iris, it could be
weeds in a vacant lot, or a few
small stones; just
pay attention, then patch
a few words together and don’t try
to make them elaborate, this isn’t
a contest but the doorway
into thanks, and a silence in which
another voice may speak.
~ Mary Oliver ~
So here’s the thing about
Moments
We wait for just the right ones
so we’ll never miss them
And in the waiting
We miss them the most
So make sure you look both ways
And especially straight ahead
before stepping out
in the multi-lane traffic
of your life
or you’ll have a moment
that won’t miss you
When it comes to
M O M E N T S
. . .take one
It’s really east to spell:
L O V E
but do you really speak its
L A N G U A G E (S). . .
Gery Karantzas, Ph.D., is currently a professor and director of the Science of Adult Relationships (SoAR) Laboratory in the School of Psychology at Deakin University. He is also a couples therapist and was the former national convener of the Australian Psychological Society Psychology of Relationships Interest Group. He just recently pulled back the curtain, once again, on the Language(s) of Love
Love languages—the concept coined by Baptist pastor Gary Chapman some 30 years ago—has taken the relationships world by storm. It’s often the “go-to” topic on first dates, and, for those in relationships, love languages are said to provide deep, meaningful, and reliable insights into how relationships function. Putting love languages into action is believed to increase relationship happiness.
The concept clearly has appeal. At last count, 20 million copies have been sold worldwide of Chapman’s 1992 book The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts. The book has been translated into 49 languages.
There is only one catch. There is little evidence to support the idea that love languages are “a thing,” or that love languages do much of anything to help improve relationships.
There is only one catch. There is little evidence to support the idea that love languages are “a thing,” or that love languages do much of anything to help improve relationships.
According to Chapman, there are five love languages. Each of these love languages is a way to communicate your love to your romantic partner.
In his role as a Baptist pastor, Chapman had been counselling couples for years. It was through his observations of couples that the idea of love languages was born.
He believed love languages were an intuitive and simple way to teach couples about how to tune into each other’s ways of expressing love. And so, he began running seminars for husbands and wives, and the popularity of his seminars grew.
The five love languages are:
Chapman suggests that people typically use all love languages, but that most people tend to rely on one love language most of the time. This is referred to as a person’s primary love language.
According to Chapman, people are more satisfied in their relationships when both partners match when it comes to their primary love language. However, people experience less satisfaction in their relationships when both partners do not share the same primary love language.
Another important aspect of the love languages concept is that relationships are likely to deliver the greatest satisfaction when a person can understand their partner’s love language, and act in ways that “speak to” their partner’s language. In essence, this idea is about tuning in to what a partner wants.
This is an idea that has existed across many models and theories about how relationships function well. That is, responding to a partner in a way that meets their needs and wants makes a person feel understood, validated, and cared for.
Despite the popularity of the theory of love languages, only a handful of studies have been conducted and reported over the past 30 years. Research is largely inconclusive, although the balance sways more toward refuting rather than endorsing the love languages concept.
Let’s start with how love languages are assessed. In popular culture, the Love Language QuizTM is an online questionnaire that people can complete to find out about their love languages. Despite millions of individuals having taken the quiz (according to 5lovelanguages.com), there are no published findings as to the reliability and validity of the measure.
Researchers have developed their own version of the love languages survey, but the findings did not meet the statistical thresholds to suggest the survey adequately captured the five love languages. Also, their findings did not support the idea that there are five love languages.
Furthermore, a qualitative study, in which researchers coded the written responses of undergraduate students to questions about how they express love, suggested there may be six love languages. However, the researchers reported difficulty agreeing on how some of the students’ responses neatly fitted into Chapman’s love languages, particularly in the categories of “words of affirmation” and “quality time.”
Next, let’s turn to research testing a core premise of the love language theory: that couples with matching love languages experience greater satisfaction than those who do not. Evidence for this premise is very mixed.
Three studies, including one that used Chapman’s Love Language Quiz, have found that couples with matching love languages were no more satisfied than couples who were mismatched.
However, a more recent study found that partners with matching love languages experienced greater relationship and sexual satisfaction than partners with mismatched love languages. This research also found that men who reported greater empathy and perspective taking had a love language that better matched the language of their partner.
Finally, what does the research say about whether having a better understanding of your partner’s love language is linked to higher relationship satisfaction? Only two studies have investigated this question. Both found that knowing your partner’s primary love language did predict relationship satisfaction in the present or into the future.
So, as you can see, not only is there very little research investigating love languages, but the research to date doesn’t strengthen belief in the powerful properties of love languages.
COULD IT BE
THAT THE GREATEST WAY TO SAY,
“I LOVE YOU”
is still the way you
SHOW IT
and not the way you
s p e a k
i t. . . ?
Only Time Will Tell By JJ Heller, David Heller and Andy Gullahorn
There’s not enough paper in this world There’s not enough ink to write it down No melody is sweet enough No metaphor is deep enough To describe the treasure I have found
I keep trying to tell you how I feel But I always come up short How beautiful you are to me But there aren’t enough words I keep trying to write a love song But it’s hard to say it well Love is a story that only time will tell
It’s one thing to say “for better or worse” And another when you find out what that means So much happens over time Some dreams come true and some will die How do you describe that kind of thing
I keep trying to tell you how I feel But I always come up short How beautiful you are to me But there aren’t enough words I keep trying to write a love song But it’s hard to say it well Love is a story that only time will tell
I’ve searched libraries And dictionaries Studied poets Still all I know is
I keep trying to tell you how I feel But I always come up short How beautiful you are to me But there aren’t enough words I keep trying to write a love song But it’s hard to say it well Love is a story that only time will tell Love is a story that only time will tell
PRETTY POWERFUL, STUFFS, huh, but not quite as powerful as the LOVE that’s shown here. J J Heller, is an artist I’ve loved for a long time because the music that she and her husband, Dave create often create something in us, or at least shines a light on what’s been created and now needs some special noticing.
J J goes on to share, even more personally:
This video gets me every single time.
When we’re young we make vows imagining an easy and wonderful future. We say “for better or worse” even though we don’t know what lies ahead. We promise to be faithful, supportive and true no matter what.
Making these promises is indeed an act of love, but living out this love in hospitals, worse-case diagnoses and late-night bouts with pain.. that’s a love on another level. A deeper, expanded love.
With that said, this beautiful video is dedicated to those fighting through intense physical challenges, and to those who love them fiercely and relentlessly.
A huge thank you to this brave couple who has allowed us to share part of their story with the world in hopes it will bring healing and encouragement.
And another giant thank you to Joy Prouty for capturing this sacred footage, both of their labor and delivery several years ago, and also of the recovery from a double mastectomy mere weeks ago.
And thanks to Dave Heller and Andy Gullahorn for writing this beautiful song with me.
Love is a story that only time will tell. 🧡
Just one Question:
WHAT
OF
YOUR
L O V E. . . ?
The Seven of Pentacles–Marge Piercy
Under a sky the color of pea soup
she is looking at her work growing away there
actively, thickly like grapevines or pole beans
as things grow in the real world, slowly enough.
If you tend them properly, if you mulch, if you water,
if you provide birds that eat insects a home and winter food,
if the sun shines and you pick off caterpillars,
if the praying mantis comes and the lady bugs and the bees,
then the plants flourish, but at their own internal clock.
Connections are made slowly, sometimes they grow underground.
You cannot tell always by looking what is happening.
More than half a tree is spread out in the soil under your feet.
Penetrate quietly as the earthworm that blows no trumpet.
Fight persistently as the creeper that brings down the tree.
Spread like the squash plant that overruns the garden.
Gnaw in the dark and use the sun to make sugar.
Weave real connections, create real nodes, build real houses.
Live a life you can endure: make love that is loving.
Keep tangling and interweaving and taking more in,
a thicket and bramble wilderness to the outside but to us
interconnected with rabbit runs and burrows and lairs.
Live as if you liked yourself, and it may happen:
reach out, keep reaching out, keep bringing in.
This is how we are going to live for a long time: not always,
for every gardener knows that after the digging, after
the planting,
after the long season of tending and growth, the harvest comes.
I came across this nice Spring Time poem as the weather forecaster is telling us that snow and wintry weather is about to descend down upon us
IN MARCH
(uhhhhhhh just 10 days away from Spring)
which is enough to make any Thermometer
(AND US)
be a little more than confused
THE UN-CONFUSED THERMOMETER
Sometimes a Place
can have all four Seasons
in one day
that’ll schizophrenically
have you guessing how to dress
so you’re not shivering or sweating
at any unknowingly moment
confusing the most sophisticated
of Thermometers
And yet you meet
THAT Heart
that’ll have you begging
for the harshest of Winter’s Terriblesnesses
so IT could forever be Warmed
Now any Caring Catalyst
S H O W S
that it’s not the Season we’re in
we dress for
but the Season we bring
to the worst
t e m p e r a t u r e s
a confused Thermometer
can ever read. . .
ARE YOU. . . ?
Are you Sensitive?
On that imaginary scale of 1 to 10 where would you rate yourself, 1–not so sensitive or 10, extremely Sensitive or just somewhere in the middle. . . ?
W A I T. . .
W H A T. . .
IS BEING SENSITIVE GOOD OR BAD. . .
Getty Image
When was the last time you bragged about being sensitive?
Most likely, the answer is never. There are plenty of traits we take pride in but being “sensitive” is usually perceived as a weakness. It’s used to mean you’re fragile, thin-skinned, or just overreacting. Men are told that they shouldn’t be sensitive at all, whereas women are told not to be “so” sensitive—an infuriating set of words that ought to be retired.
Either way, the message sensitive people get isn’t to celebrate who they are. It’s that they should “overcome” their sensitivity and “toughen up.” Putting aside that this approach doesn’t work, it’s wrongheaded. Sensitivity is largely genetic, and not something you can turn off. It is a trait linked to giftedness and something we ought to embrace. In fact, according to three decades of research, it’s not only a healthy trait, it also serves as a a powerful asset.
As a personality trait, being sensitive means you take in more information from your environment, and you do more with it. Sensitive people are wired at a brain level to process information more deeply than others do. That includes sensory input (like noticing the texture of a fabric), emotional input (reading social cues), and ideas (spending a longer time thinking things through and making more connections between concepts).
If you’re sensitive, this deep processing changes the way you see the world. You probably notice what others miss, think, and feel deeply, and have a vivid inner life. You probably also get overstimulated in situations that don’t bother anyone else. If so, you’re not alone. Roughly 30% of all people, regardless of gender, score high for sensitivity. These individuals, sometimes called highly sensitive people (HSPs), are wired to go deep. And that depth comes with gifts.
The most well-known and celebrated sensitive gift is creativity. It’s perhaps the one generalization that’s true: Sensitive people tend to be highly creative, and many—perhaps most—artists, musicians, and actors are themselves sensitive people.
But creativity doesn’t end with the arts. The same ability translates to innovation. Many of our greatest thinkers and scientists throughout history have been sensitive people, including Charles Darwin, who was not only creative but contemplative, humble, conscientious, and full of strong emotions — the model of a sensitive person. Sensitive people have this capacity for innovation because they tend to be deep thinkers who spend more time and energy turning problems over in their heads—and end up seeing more possibilities and solutions.
A second strength sensitive people have is their decision making ability. In studies involving both humans and monkeys, the subjects who are sensitive—based on having gene variants associated with sensitivity—tend to outperform others on a variety of cognitive tasks, particularly those that require noticing patterns and using them to predict outcomes and make smart decisions.
This decision-making ability may give sensitive people an evolutionary advantage. In a 2008 computer simulation of natural selection, creatures who spent more resources considering their options and comparing them to past results, as sensitive people do, came out ahead long-term compared to less-sensitive creatures. They amassed more resources over time and out-survived others. In the wilderness, that might mean tracking down game when everyone is hungry. In the boardroom, it means steering companies to the top of their industry.
But perhaps the greatest advantage of sensitive people is what we call the “Boost Effect.” The “Boost Effect” means that sensitive people get more of a boost from the same things that help anyone. For example, a 2022 study looked at hundreds of couples at risk of divorce. The couples had been given a relationship training to improve their marriages, and at a glance, it seemed to help: The couples who received it were more likely to stay together. But when researchers gave the subjects personality tests, they found that it was the sensitive people who were most likely to use the training to save their marriages. Not only that, the couples where at least one person was sensitive reported an improvement in relationship quality overall—they became happier with each other. Other couples got no such benefit.
The Boost Effect isn’t limited to relationships. Over and over, researchers find that sensitive people are supercharged by any form of training or support. If you’re a sensitive person, you can activate this ability by curating a supportive environment around yourself—such as a group of supportive friends—and by seeking out resources such as mentoring, training, therapy, or coaching.
Sensitive people do pay a price for these gifts, however, by becoming overstimulated. Overstimulation is what happens when there is simply too much information for the brain to keep going deep. It feels like brain fog, fatigue, anxiety, and a sense of overwhelm; it happens in situations that are too loud, too chaotic, or too emotionally intense. (A rushed day at work and a conflict with a partner are both common triggers.) This is the only time when sensitive people really might seem less “tough” than others, but sensitive people can learn to largely prevent it—particularly by building time into each day to simply let the mind process and “catch up.” For sensitive people, even sensitive extroverts, a little bit of quiet alone time goes a very long way.
If any of this sounds like you, you might be more sensitive than you realize. If so, you have probably felt the pressure to hide it. But that’s a trap. You cannot make yourself less sensitive than you are and trying to do so only cuts you off from your gifts.
Instead, the single most important step you can take for yourself is what society has told you not to do your whole life: Stop hiding from your sensitivity. Embrace it, and show it to the world.
SO. . .
Let’s Rinse and REPEAT:
ARE YOU. . . ?
Are you Sensitive?
On that imaginary scale of 1 to 10 where would you rate yourself, 1–not so sensitive or 10, extremely Sensitive or just somewhere in the middle. . . ?
W A I T. . .
W H A T. . .
IS BEING SENSITIVE GOOD OR BAD. . . ?
Psssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssst:
H I D I N G
is no longer an alternative or shame
for being Sensitive
EMBRACE YOUR SUPER POWER
and EveryOne Else
will benefit
(you too)
Join me
Neighbor By JJ Heller, David Heller, and Andy Gullahorn
Sometimes it’s easier to jump to conclusions Than walk across the street It’s like I’d rather fill the blanks with illusions Than take the time to see
You are trying to close the back door of your car You are balancing the groceries and a baby in your arms You are more than just a sign in your front yard You are my neighbor
I can get so lost in the mission Of defending what I think I’ve been surfing on a sea of opinions But just behind the screen
You are grateful that the work day’s finally done You are stuck in miles of traffic, looking at your phone You are tryin’ to feel a little less alone You are my neighbor
When the chasm between us feels so wide That it’s hard to imagine the other side But we don’t have to see things eye to eye For me to love you like you are my neighbor My neighbor
Oh, to fear the unfamiliar Is the easy way to go But I believe we are connected more than we might ever know
There’s a light that shines on both the rich and poor Looks beyond where we came from and who we voted for ‘Till I can’t see a stranger anymore I see my neighbor May my heart be an open door to my neighbor You are my neighbor
S O M E T I M E S
Music is more than MUSIC
and Words are more than
W O R D S
From the beginning of time the question has rung out,
sometimes louder than softer:
JUST WHO IS MY NEIGHBOR?
No matter what you say, You
SHOW THE ANSWER,
Person by Person,
Neighbor by Neighbor…
with this certainty:
It just isn’t the person next door or across the street…
SO JUST WHO IS
YOUR NEIGHBOR. . . ?
Bits of grit
the Wind
scatters us
where it will
as we travel
to destinations
not yet GPSable
but have waited
an Eternity
to welcome every
irritating speck
of us
Home
(however we define it)
(wherever we find it)
or it unearths
Us
OUR STRENGTH
OUR POWER
IS FOUND
BY RECOGNIZING
THAT AS MERE SPECKS
WE ARE NOT A PART OF A MOUNTAIN
BUT THE MOUNTAIN IS A PART OF
U S
It’s one thing to take a song
and make it your song;
It’s even better
if you make it ANOTHER’S. . .
yea. . .
Please make Your Song
ANOTHER’S song. . .
The Sharing will be the Caring. . .
Make your life,
your living
SING OUT LOUD
especially for all those
who have forgotten
they have their own Song
to SHARE, too. . .
