THE UNHAPPY CLOWN

August 22, 2018 By ChuckBehrens Leave a Comment

9 Things Therapists Do When They

Want To Feel Happier

Steal these tips from the pros.

Dominique Astorino On Assignment For HuffPost

You can be an absolute expert within the field of finding happiness and still need a little help yourself.

“We have the same problems as our patients,” said David D. Burns, a clinical psychiatrist and author of bestselling psychology book Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy. And sometimes that means dealing with negative thoughts, anxiety and bad moods.

So what does a therapist — usually the advice-giver when it comes to these types of problems — do when they’re in a funk? I loved falling across this HuffPost article who chatted with Burns and a few other experts to get their tips. Here are some of their go-to moves when they need to feel happy ASAP, as well as their advice on how you can steal them for yourself:

Use the “30-second rule”

If you’re feeling overwhelmed by a task, chore, conflict, to-do list ― and it’s totally sabotaging your mood ― try tackling just a small piece of it, Burns said. “The thing I choose to do has to be something I can complete in about 30 seconds, that way I can’t give myself any excuses to procrastinate,” he explained.

For example, Burns said that day he was feeling particularly overwhelmed by piles of paperwork on his desk, so he put his method into practice immediately. He took 30 seconds — all while on a call — to put a few pieces of paper together, staple them and file those papers properly in his file cabinet.

It’s ridiculously simple, but Burns said he felt a marked improvement in his mood immediately. “You feel a little bit of a boost every time you do this,” he said.

(I AM THE MOST UN-ORGANIZED ORGANIZED GUY I KNOW; I AM POWERFULLY PRODUCTIVE UNDER THE GUN AND AM IN CONSTANT COMPETITION WITH MYSELF; SO I PLAY THE GAME OF DOING JUST A LITTLE BIT MORE A LITTLE BIT LONGER AND A LITTLE BIT BETTER: WIN!)

Do some deep breathing

This tip is the oldest trick in the book for a reason. According to Habib Sadeghi, a holistic health expert and author of The Clarity Cleanse, taking a few large breaths can activate your parasympathetic nervous system, a part of your overall nervous system that’s responsible for lowering your heart rate and blood pressure. Taking a few deep breaths is also “a way to get out of the head and into the body,” Sadeghi said.

Sadeghi added that a deep-breathing exercise can be a small, easy way to slow down and change “how we think and feel.”

To try it yourself, start with a forceful exhale to clear some of the air from your lungs. Hold this for a second or two, then inhale deeply, allowing your abdomen to expand. Count to seven as you inhale, then hold your breath for about the same amount of time. Then exhale slowly for about 14 seconds or so. Repeat this for about 10 cycles, preferably on the edge of a chair with your eyes closed.

(WE NEVER THINK ABOUT BREATHING; SO THINK ABOUT IT. THE AVERAGE PERSON TAKES ANYWHERE FROM 17,280 TO 23,040 BREATHS A DAY. JUST THINK ABOUT 40 OF THEM ON PURPOSE)

LET YOURSELF FEEL BAD

It might be tempting to squash your terrible mood by suppressing that negativity, but you’re actually not doing yourself any favors. Instead, experts tell their patients ― and themselves ― to let themselves feel whatever emotions that pop up.

“Don’t tell your feelings to shut up. Instead, ask ‘what’s up?’” said Heidi Ligouri, a licensed counselor and motivational speaker. She added that ignoring a feeling can often make a situation worse.

Taking the time to process feelings can also help you get into a happier mindset more easily. There’s no reason to feel bad about feeling bad, said Kathleen Dahlen deVos, a psychotherapist based in San Francisco. She calls accepting negative feelings “emotional fluency,” which means experiencing your emotions “without judgment or attachment.” This allows you to learn from them, use them or move on from them more easily, Dahlen deVos said.

(SOMETIMES MONDAY FEELS LIKE A MONDAY; HUG THAT PORCUPINE AND REMIND YOURSELF THAT MONDAY IS ‘J U S T’ A DAY NOT ALL SEVEN; TUESDAY IS COMING AND SO IS THE WEEKEND!)

Stop and say one nice thing about yourself

Self-criticism comes easily for most people, especially when they’re in a terrible mood. So, once you’ve acknowledged you’re feeling crummy, counter that with a little emotional TLC.

“We tend to be so brutal on ourselves. Not only are we telling ourselves not to feel, but when we see a feeling we judge ourselves,” for having it, said Ligouri. “Once you see the [negative] feeling … practice self-compassion.”

If your bad mood is caused by a mistake, or if you’re thinking negatively about yourself, interrupt that stream of consciousness by picking out one thing you like about yourself. For example, maybe you prioritize hanging out with your sister, or you’re a team player at work, or you volunteer every month. Just something that gives yourself credit for your attributes. It sounds like a corny exercise, but it might just work.

“Developing a practice of mindful self-compassion has been hugely supportive in helping me to live a happier, healthier, and more joyful life,” Dahlen deVos said. “Self-compassion, in essence, is the recognition that no matter what is happening in our lives, we are innately worthy, lovable and connected to all of humanity.”

Still need some convincing that this technique isn’t bogus? Research shows that this practice also can help protect you from anxiety depression.

(MY GREATEST SELF TALK GO TO: I BELIEVE I AM THE BEST THERE IS; I BELIEVE IT WITH ALL OF MY HEART; B U T I ‘ K N O W’ IT’S NOT TRUE WHICH IS WHY EVERY DAY I JUST DON’T SEE MY FLAWS, I AM SEVERELY MOTIVATED TO DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT)

Ask yourself what you should do next ― then do it

Let’s say you showed up 20 minutes late to a meeting and halfway through your important presentation, you noticed you had a massive coffee stain on your shirt. You get through the meeting, but you’re angry about the circumstances afterward. In this situation, Ligouri said she figures out her next step by asking herself what she needed.

“Ask yourself: Do I want to keep rolling around in upset? Do I want to create or recreate a commitment to living a happy healthy life? Do I just need a nap? Do I want to reach out to a friend?” Ligouri said. In other words, figure out what to do next ― even if it’s just a simple task ― and then commit to doing it.

(SECRET WEAPON: M O T I O N–VERB IT UP! IT’S ALL ABOUT BEING IN MOTION/ACTING/DOING– EVEN IF IT’S IN YOUR HEAD)

Take a hike

Maybe not literally, but at the very least get outdoors. Each expert said they rely heavily on this activity as a way to improve mood.

“I make it a point to get fresh air and incorporate movement into every day,” Dahlen deVos said. “Sometimes this means a yoga or fitness class, but often it’s just a morning hike with my pup or an afternoon walk around the neighborhood during a free hour.” Her secret weapon? Doing this phone-free.

Aman also said long walks, in particular, are her go-to move when it comes to increasing her happiness. “I take a long walk in the woods,” she said. “The research on this is unmistakable. It’s good for the mind, body, and soul.”

You also get the added benefit of exercise, which is its own mood booster, Sadeghi said.

“Exercise is really one of the best ways to blow off stress and sadness,” he explained. “Even resistance training, or a rough round of racquetball or tennis — something that requires you to focus intensely on your body, its movements and sensations.”

(I WAS DEVASTATED TO EXPERIENCE THAT I COULD NO LONGER RUN MARATHONS OR EVEN SHORT DISTANCES BUT I CAN SWIM-RUN IN THE POOL AND STILL WALK–THE BEACH–ANY BEACH IS THE BEST; IT HAS IT’S HEALTH BENEFITS BUT I DO IT FOR MY HEAD NOT SO MUCH MY HEART)

Find a mantra that works when you’re in a bad mood

Dahlen deVos said she keeps a set of mantras in her back pocket, and recommends the same for her clients. “Develop a self-compassion mantra: an easy-to-memorize set of phrases to repeat when we need a compassion boost, or to create mindfulness of a situation,” she said.

She recommended trying something like this the next time you’re feeling down and out: “I’m having a hard time, but everyone feels this way sometimes. May I be gentle with myself and remember that I’m safe and okay.”
(MY GO TO : “I GOT THIS, BRING IT!”)

Dance it out

Sadeghi said he personally turns to dance as “a great way to expel a lot of pent-up anxiety or depressive energy.”

Using a mix of “upbeat songs that you really love,” give yourself room to literally dance like no one’s watching. “Make your movements random, but deliberate and strong; get your whole body into it,” he said. “Imagine the negative energy flying out of your body through your fingertips as you move around.”

(ok in my case: SING IT OUT, LOUD AND ANIMATED. MY FAVORITE PLAYLIST IS ONE I’VE CREATED CALLED: RUNNING; IT’S THE BEST WORKOUT I’VE HAD WITHOUT RUNNING SHOES)

Play with a pup (or another furry friend)

There’s a reason pet owners tend to live longer. Spending time with a dog, cat, or another animal can be profoundly calming and uplifting.

Burns cited time with his sweet rescue kitten Misty as one of his all-time favorite mood-boosters.

“It really teaches me something at a deep level,” he said. “She’s not special, she’s just an abandoned cat. I am not special either! But when we’re together, life becomes special.”

(I’VE TOLD MY DOG AND CATS THINGS I’VE NEVER TOLD ANOTHER LIVING BEING AND THEY’VE NEVER DISAPPOINTED OR NOT LISTENED OR NOT BEEN GLAD TO SEE ME–B A M!)

Psssssssssssssssssst:

Sometime this Clown doesn’t much like Clowning. . .

It, thankfully, never lasts long because of the ultimate secret weapon:

r e l a t i o n s h i p s

w h a t ‘ s y o u r ‘ s ?

The Science of KINDNESS

August 15, 2018 By ChuckBehrens Leave a Comment

IS KINDNESS A SCIENCE. . . ?

For the past three decades, Dacher Keltner has been researching human emotions, starting with micro-movements of facial muscles and more recently the relationship between powerlessness and health outcomes. Photo: Daphne White

The “science” of happiness may sound like an oxymoron to most people, but not so Dacher Keltner, psychology professor and director of the Greater Good Science Center (GGSC) at UC Berkeley. For the past three decades, he has been researching human emotions, starting with micro-movements of facial muscles and more recently the relationship between powerlessness and health outcomes. Along the way, he has written several books and co-created one of the most popular MOOCs (massive open online courses) in the country.

Keltner began studying psychology just as the field was transitioning away from a belief that all human decisions were based on rationality and facts (the brain as computer model), and toward the “emotion revolution.” The “explosion of interest in feeling” fit in with Keltner’s own family belief system, and he quickly found his niche. “My mother, an English professor and student of Romanticism, and my father, an artist guided by Lao Tzu and Zen, cultivated in me the conviction that our best attempts at the good life are found in bursts of passion,” he writes in his book Born to be Good: The Science of a Meaningful Life.

Keltner may look like a California surfer but actually comes from Scandinavian stock whose emotional makeup is more Ingmar Bergman than Beach Boys. The anxiety is not recognized or discussed in his family, but Keltner sees the pattern clearly. “People don’t realize it, but I have had a few periods in my life when I experienced exceptional degrees of anxiety and near-OCD,” he said. One of the defining characteristics of anxiety is “interior focus,” a hypersensitivity to bodily sensations such as heart palpitations, blushes, and sweating, he said. So perhaps it’s not surprising that Keltner, 55, has been on a life-long search for happiness and what he calls “the greater good.”

He started out “reading faces” as a post doc in the lab of Paul Ekman — made famous by the TV series Lie to Me — spending over 2,000 hours analyzing frame-by-frame video images of facial expressions in order to map different micro-emotions. “When I first heard about this, it was like an intellectual epiphany,” he said. It validated what he had learned about emotions, and provided a scientific way of measuring something that otherwise seemed ineffable.

Ekman claims that micro expressions cannot be hidden, even when a person is trying to conceal an emotion. By learning Ekman’s coding system, Keltner said, he entered a different “perceptual world … It’s the world before language, the way our primate predecessors communicated. Darwin was interested in this. It’s mind-blowing to be exposed to it.” While Ekman only studied six emotions at his UC San Francisco lab, Keltner eventually added another 15 emotions to the mix, including awe and compassion.

As a result of his studies, he can sometimes see things that others can’t. “I may see anxiety before a person is aware of it, or I might spot depression at an early stage,” he said. “There’s all this information in your face and voice and body. Most people pay attention to this maybe 60 percent of the time but with me, it’s maybe 70 percent. I use it with my teenage daughters,” he jokes. When it comes to his wife, though, “she doesn’t believe anything I say, just in general.”

Happiness and the Greater Good

“The connection between happiness and the greater good is pretty clear, and it’s under-appreciated,” he said. There is more to happiness than momentary, individual pleasure. “Social connection is one of the strongest determinants of health,” Keltner said. “We take a lot of happiness in giving to other people.” In fact, research shows that lonely people die younger than people with strong social networks. “Lonely college students had higher blood pressure than non-lonely ones, putting them at greater risk for heart disease, and this health disparity was even greater between lonely and non-lonely older adults,” according to an article in the Greater Good magazine.

Greater Good Science Center

GGSC was founded in 2001, with a gift from Berkeley alumni Thomas and Ruth Hornaday. After their daughter died of cancer, and soon after 9/11, the couple called Cal’s Dean of Social Sciences and said they wanted to create a center “that would really bring peace to people,” Keltner said. The dean, Geroge Breslauer, knew of Keltner’s work and referred the Hornadays to him.

When the idea for the center was first proposed, Keltner decided pretty quickly that he did not want to use the money just to write white papers and sponsor meetings. “I didn’t want to create the typical academic center,” he said. “The great thing about Berkeley is that I could say, ‘Let’s use the science of kindness and altruism and play and gratitude to promote the greater good. Let’s disseminate it to everyone, not just other academics’.”

But do these tools really work? Keltner said he practices many of them and finds that even in these bleak times, he is able to remain “60 percent optimistic.” That is a far cry from absolute happiness, of course. But then, Keltner said, most of his friends are “in despair,” especially about the political situation in the country. “Kindness is the most important thing,” he said. “That, and mindfulness.”

The Power Paradox

Much of his own work is about class, inequality, and power. Keltner’s latest book, The Power Paradox: How we Gain and Lose Influence, includes a chapter on “The Price of Powerlessness.” He writes about a part of his childhood lived in the “poor rural town” of Penryn, CA, where he discovered “the empathy, kindness, generosity, respect, and inclusiveness that the poor live by in response to the harsher material conditions of their lives.”

Returning to Penryn as an adult, Keltner discovered that most of his friend’s parents died young of a variety of diseases. His book cites research showing that a person’s social class predicts their vulnerability to disease. “With each rung down the class ladder,” he wrote, “an individual is more likely to suffer from disease and to live a shorter life, to battle hypertension, cervical, cervical cancer, and painful arthritis, and to suffer from other chronic illnesses.” Growing up poor, research shows, “shaves six years off life expectancy.”

Keltner writes about a “new science of power,” which posits that only socially intelligent, caring and compassionate people ultimately become leaders. His book revolves around 20 “Power Principles” such as “enduring power comes from empathy” and “enduring power comes from telling stories that unite,” and “groups give power to those who advance the greater good.” It is hard to connect those concepts with current reality.

Yet the “power paradox” of the book’s title is this: “we rise in power and make a difference in the world due to what is best about human nature, but we fall from power due to what is worst.” Keltner writes that people become leaders by exhibiting compassion, listening skills and other positive behaviors, but once they obtain power they tend to behave “like impulsive, out-of-control sociopaths.”

Keltner had originally written a longer chapter on coercive Machiavellian power for the first draft of the book, “but in the spirit of collective optimism we cut it,” he said. “If I were to write the book now, I would say that human societies are an interesting combination of coercive, manipulative, aggressive power and prosocial and connective power.” The book has been translated into 12 languages.

“There is a real hunger to foster feelings of reconciliation and compassion even at a time when people feel alienated from one another,” Marsh said. “They are eager for any information that can help develop a greater sense of empathy and forgiveness, even for people who seem different from themselves.”

Meanwhile, Keltner continues to explore practices related to the “greater good.” He volunteers at San Quentin a few times a year; works with national health care executives to incorporate GGSC practices into health care settings; and continues to teach and spend time with his family.

He also tries to spend as much time as possible outdoors, especially in places that evoke awe in him, such as the high Sierras. “Sometimes it takes a while to figure out who you are,” he said. He loves backpacking and camping and sleeping outside. “I don’t mind bears running around,” he said. Happiness, it turns out, can be found in unexpected places. . .

YEAH. . .YEAH. . .YEAH. . .YEAH. . .B U T. . .

so how does that translate to we, as

CARING CATALYSTS. . .

T R U T H ?

It doesn’t. . .

Theory is just THEORY

‘HOW TO’ IS POWERFUL

‘WANT TO’ IS SUPREME

D O
D O
D O
D O

is all that counts. . .

The Science of Kindness is great

The ACTION OF KINDNESS

second to ANYTHING

no YEAH-BUT’S

(ABOUT IT)

a l l o w e d

(theorize T H A T e x p e r i e n c e)

Merry PRACTICE Christmas

July 25, 2018 By ChuckBehrens Leave a Comment

Yes siree, Bob. . .

I A M T H A T G U Y :

A Severe Christmas Lover. . .

In fact, if you’re reading this anytime on July 25, 2018

we are exactly

http://www.xmasclock.com/

So maybe the biggest question

the ROOT of the WHY

do I love Christmas so much

is the most simplest

JUST BECAUSE’s of all time:

THE WORLD IS BETTER
KINDER
MORE: FORGIVNG
ACCEPTING
LOVING

than at any other time of the year it kind of begins

a little earlier than Halloween

and it includes Hanukkah and Kwanza

and it powerfully reminds us of the most overlooked facts of all time:

Is that enough or do you actually need some facts, some evidence based material?

W E L L . . .

9 Reasons Why It’s Never Too Early for

Christmas Decorations

Did you know that Christmas decorations may make you happier? Learn why you should put up your holiday decor now. Start hanging Christmas lights today!

I F Y O U A R E a strict post-Thanksgiving or December-only holiday decorator; Or maybe you don’t put up the tree until the week before Christmas; IF your philosophies on holiday decorating are “the more the merrier” and “the sooner the better.” IF you have doubts about timing, you might reconsider when to decorate for Christmas after you hear this. Plus I’ve got plenty of Christmas decoration ideas to get you started—all of which make you happy, help you connect with the neighbors, and bring some (literal) light to winter gloom.

1. It Could Make You Happier

It turns out that “holiday spirit” isn’t just eggnog. People often associate Christmas decorations with feelings of nostalgia and excitement from childhood, several psychotherapists have explained. Even if this feeling is mixed with sadness, such as when someone has lost a loved one, decorating may help connect to positive memories of that loved one.

2. It’ll Make Your Neighbors Like You

A study found that people shown photos of houses rated the residents of a home adorned with Christmas decorations as more friendly and sociable versus houses sans decor. The decorated houses were seen as more “open” or accessible, regardless of whether their inhabitants actually interacted much with their neighbors. This makes a lot of sense; if everyone in the neighborhood decorates and you join in, it fosters a sense of community. So, go on, display your wreaths with pride—and maybe surprise the family next door with some holiday cookies!

3. Christmas Desserts

Did someone say cookies? OK, so maybe they aren’t technically decor, but we think early holiday baking is a good reason to dust off that Santa-shape cookie jar. Besides, colorful treats are decorations in their own right. Desserts are one of the best parts of the holiday season, and there’s no reason why you can’t enjoy them any day of the year. Mix up one or more of these sweet delicacies to get you in the holiday mood.

Not sure where to start? Try the following tasty treats; make sure you go for seconds and thirds (or countless numbers of time) My brothers and I scarfed up the stuff my mom baked months ahead of time and put in the freezer…we mouth-thawed them. YUMMELS

4. It’s Getting Cold (and Dark)

You’ve already broken out the warm scarves and sweaters, so go ahead and pull out the plaid blankets, evergreen-scented candles, and string lights, too. We also think that the coziness of twinkling lights and hot chocolate next to a crackling fire lined with stockings is the perfect way to beat the winter blues.

5. To Show Off Your DIYs

Or to get started on them! You’ve got tons of Christmas decoration ideas Pinned, but you don’t want to be scrambling to glue and paint things the night before your guests come over. Make a wreathnow, decorate ornaments for the annual exchange, and prep a Christmas card display before all the holiday mail starts coming in. We bet you won’t be able to resist hanging up your newly made decorations.

6. To Enjoy Them Longer

Let’s face it—putting up Christmas decorations is fun, but it can also be a lot of work. Lugging all of the ornaments and boxes out of the basement or attic is kind of a bummer if you know you’ll have to do it all over again to put them away a week later. Why not leave more time to sit back and appreciate your efforts? You could even mix it up with a new color scheme for your Christmas home decor this year.

7. To Sing a New Tune

We know people have mixed feelings about this one, but hear us out. There’s no better time to play Christmas music than while decorating, and many artists release new holiday songs around this time. Besides, you’ve been listening to the same Top 40 hits all year. This is Christmas music’s time to shine. Crank up classics like “Jingle Bells” and “Deck the Halls” and sing along!

Bonus: Make an ornament out of favorite Christmas songs! Print out copies of the sheet music, then cut into strips and decoupage onto a plain ornament. BAM!

8. To Spend More Time with Family

With all the holiday parties and shopping, the season can turn into one big blur. Set aside time for Christmas decorating early so you can relax and truly enjoy this moment with your family before all the craziness starts. Pick a hands-on activity you can work on together, such as a gingerbread house or easy ornaments for kids.

9. You’ll Have Somewhere to Take Christmas Card Photos

Uh, oh! You reached the end of the year and realized you don’t have nice photos of the family all together for the annual Christmas card—again. No worries; put up a few decorations as a backdrop and snap some pictures in sweaters so Grandma will get her card in time for the holidays. A festive strand of garland draped over a doorway or mantel provides the perfect framing effect for your photo. And since your decor is already out, well, you know what to do. Two birds, one stone.

Yeah, I get a little caught up in the Christmas Moment

because I’d like to think that it’s more than just a MOMENT

I’d like to think

that each of our LIGHTS

G L O W A L I T T L E B R I G H T E R

W A R M A L I T T L E C O Z I E R

. . .but not just for a Season or a Day or a Moment

but F O R A N E V E R. . .

j o i n
m e

for a Merry PRACTICE Christmas

NO RESERVATIONS

July 23, 2018 By ChuckBehrens Leave a Comment

What does it take to build a world-class French restauraunt? What if the staff is almost entirely men and women just out of prison? What if most have never cooked or served before, and have barely two months to learn their trade? Knife Skills follows the hectic launch of Edwins restaurant in Cleveland. In this improbable setting, with its mouth-watering dishes and its arcane French vocabulary, we discover the challenges of men and women finding their way after their release. We come to know three trainees intimately, as well as the restaurant’s founder, who is also dogged by his past. These men and women all have something to prove, and all struggle to launch new lives, an endeavor as pressured and perilous as the ambitious restaurant launch of which they are a part. . .

Sounds like a typical well-seasoned tagline for a film, huh?

But what takes a thought to a feeling is
A N E X P E R I ENCE

A couple of friends of ours pitched us going to an event that would show KNIFE SKILLS in Medina this past week, where a copy of EDWINS has just opened in Medina called, SERENITE

When I shook hands with Brandon Chrostowski (he greeted us all at the door inside of the theater) before the Oscar nominated Documentary began, it immediately felt more personal than professional. It didn’t take very long during this short film to figure out. . .to actually be inspired and slightly embarrassed that what Brandon is actually

DOING WE ALL COULD BE DOING WITHOUT HESITATION OR
R E S E R V A T I O N S
( P U N I N T E N D E D )

In one way or another we not only have all been imprisoned but are still behind bars of unlocked cells

WE EACH POSSESS IN US THE CAPACITY TO NOT JUST UNLOCK THE CELL DOORS OF OTHERS BUT ACTUALLY TAKE THOSE VERY DOORS
(real and imagined)
from their very hinges. . .

No one deserves a second chance. . .

N O O N E. . .

So much as the countless ones very much needed after those very second, third, fourth, forty-PLUS c h a n c e s. . .

This evening wasn’t so much of an opportunity to GIVE so much as one to RECEIVE and more. . .not a night to contribute or to allow for THOSE CHANCES so much as a vulnerable MOMENT
TO BE THAT CHANCE
for Another. . .
And make no mistake about your RESERVATIONS ~~it’ll not just COST YOU~~it’ll literally change you forever

Sometimes the most expensive thing we can ever do, isn’t to write a sizable check(donation)

It’s not even to Care or be Compassionate

B U T
to Care
to be Compassionate
to be Kind
to be Forgiving
O N G O I N G

especially when it’s less than perfect

NO GUARANTEES

and more:

N O R E S E R V A T I O N S

You up for that DISH?

If you read this far and still interested,

FEEL FREE
(literally)
To view the truly inspiring/motivating film

“Knife Skills” an Academy Award nomination in the category of Documentary Short Subject.

https://youtu.be/U7cW60vhP4Y

WHEN THE BLANK BOARD, ISN’T

July 6, 2018 By ChuckBehrens Leave a Comment

It was a

B L A N K B L A C K B O A R D

t h a t

W A S N ‘ T

QUESTION OF THE DAY:

EVER FEEL LIKE THAT. . .

a blank black board

WHERE SOMETHING ONCE WAS. . . ?

I noticed that;

r e c o g n i z e d

the not-so-wiped-off-board

as I was waiting for her at this corner

S T A R B U C K S

wondered even then

what she might share

what I might hear

what I might share

what she might hear

after nearly two hours of

sharing / hearing

I still wondered

but I absolutely knew

it was more than a mere

S O M E T H I N G

her hurt was mine

my pain was her’s

that’s what REAL SHARING IS,

i s n ‘ t i t. . .

THE BLANK BLACK BOARD

w a s n ‘ t :

you”re so hard on yourself;
take a moment;
sit back. . .
marvel at your life:
at the heartache that hardened you,
at the suffering that strengthened you
despite everything,
you still grow;
be proud
OF THIS

it seemed to say

BLANK NO MORE

S O M E T I M E S

The Blank Black Board
doesn’t so much show
that there was once something there
as much as it so powerfully promises
of brand new things to come. . .

a mere meeting over a cup of coffee at a corner STARBUCKS

PROVED IT

Two grateful friends

s h a r e d ;

E X P E R I E N C E D I T

THE BLACKBOARD,

not so b l a n k,

The Coffee,

never better,

The Moment,

never lighter. . .

The Sacred Search

June 11, 2018 By ChuckBehrens Leave a Comment

How do YOU know. . .

How do you ever really know

It’s a most Sacred Search. . .

Maybe it’s when you don’t find

A W A Y

o r

T H E W A Y

but simply

Y O U R W A Y. . .

It would have never been a search I would have begun except my father said he really wanted to get a grave marker for his older brother who was born in 1918 and died five months, five days later from Whooping Cough.

I had never known of my Uncle until somewhat recently when he told me about him having an older brother and him dying; he said it was never discussed in ‘those days’ but he thought it fitting that he have a grave marker.

My niece, Katie Farrer Hall did some research on this a few years ago and had secured death certificates for my Grandfather and uncle as well as a wedding license for my grandparents; and though we suspected he was buried in the same cemetery we weren’t 100% sure just where until. . .

It was their 66th wedding anniversary this past Thursday on June, 7th and Erin and I thought it would be a good idea if we went to Washington, PA to pick up my mom and take her to see my dad at the nursing home by way of Wheeling, WV where Mt. Zion Cemetery happen to be.

Here’s where it got kind of spookily LAW OF ATTRACTION/EVERYTHING-FIT-TOGETHER-SEAMLESSLY-MIRACULOUS. . .

The Cemetery was in shambles and upkept by 4 volunteers. . . 2 of them JUST HAPPENED TO BE THERE THIS MORNING WHEN WE WERE THERE . .

The lady who keeps records just happened to be there because her husband’s funeral was THAT AFTERNOON. . .

A guy (Stephen) who wasn’t suppose to be there to begin with, that morning, stopped weed whacking and asked if he could help. When we told him that we were looking for my grandparents grave. He went to the record lady whose husband was to buried that afternoon, (Paula) who gave us the burial lot 2025 and when we were trying to find it he said, YOU KNOW THERE’S a JR. BURIED WITH ELLSWORTH. I was just looking for THEIR GRAVE at this point. . .

B A M !

Our knees almost buckled when he shared THAT information before I even asked him; told him, that’s why we were really there. . .

And then I was blown away that the grave was in such good shape. . .

It’s severely hill, overgrown, sunken roads, fallen headstones mess. . .

with numerous toppled over tombstones because of landslides

It was like looking for a pin in a haystack and

F I N D I N G A D I A M O N D. . .

How do you ever really know

It’s a most Sacred Search. . .

Maybe it’s when you don’t find

A W A Y

o r

T H E W A Y

but simply

Y O U R W A Y. . .

The PROOF is in the GIVING

May 16, 2018 By ChuckBehrens Leave a Comment

Our Brains Are Wired To Give…

“Suppose you could be hooked up to a hypothetical “experience machine” that, for the rest of your life, would stimulate your brain and give you any positive feelings you desire. Most people to whom I offer this imaginary choice refuse the machine. It is not just positive feelings we want: we want to be entitled to our positive feelings.” — Dr. Martin Seligman

In 2014, a study led by neuroscientist Molly J. Crocket shed light on how much humans care about others relative to themselves. The results were surprising. They showed that, on average, people were willing to pay twice as much money to prevent someone else receiving an electric shock than the amount of money they would pay to prevent receiving the same amount of shock themselves.

At first, the conclusions seem puzzling. How does this fit with our survival bias, our innate sense of self-protection in the face of danger? A little experiment may help us understand this apparent contradiction.

In the next few days, do the following two things:

Something fun.
Something altruistic.

Plan both events and write about how you think doing those two different acts will make you feel. Then, immediately after completing the two activities, write down how you actually feel. At the end of the day, write down how you feel again, long after both events happened.

More likely than not, the high of doing something fun will last for a little bit and then fade away. It is a satisfaction that consumes itself shortly after the activity ends. If you go to the cinema and you enjoyed the movie, you will feel good after leaving the premises, but you won’t carry that feeling much longer after that.

However, if you perform a random act of kindness the feeling-good effect will endure for hours after the event happened. Try helping someone who can’t help you back; do it anonymously, or listening to someone in need. Or donating to a cause you truly believe in. The positive feelings stemming from the altruistic act will last for a long time after the event happened.

… And Positive Psychology Knows Why

Positive psychology is the field behind the scientific theory of happiness. Not so long ago, psychology focused only on helping troubled minds go back to a healthy state; Patients suffering from depression and other mental disorders. It sought to bring these patients back from “-10 to 0” on the well-being scale.

Positive psychology, on the other hand, looks to answer the question “what can make a healthy mind thrive?”. It looks scientifically into how we can go from “0 to +10” on the well-being scale. The father of positive psychology is Dr. Martin Seligman, author of books like “Authentic Happiness” and “Learned Optimism” and the founder of the Positive Psychology Center at the University of Pennsylvania.

After years of research, he came up with 5 core pillars that act as the infrastructure to our psychological well-being and happiness. It is called the PERMA model:

P for Positive Emotion: feeling good, optimism, pleasure and enjoyment.
E for Engagement: doing fulfilling work, having exciting hobbies, immersing oneself in a sense of “flow”.
R for Relationships: deep social connections, love, intimacy, emotional and physical interaction with others.
M for Meaning: having a purpose in life.
A for Accomplishment: setting and pursuing goals, realizing your ambition, living with a sense of achievement.

You can experience all of these in a single act of giving, whether it’s sharing a meal with a friend or donating a large sum to a good cause.

Why Giving Fulfills Us

Giving adds to our lives in many different ways, but is also exactly in line with the PERMA model.

When we give, we generate positive emotions. This, among other things, triggers a physical reaction: the release of dopamine. This hormone is secreted by the brain and regulates pleasure. It also helps us create habits by stimulating the repetition of the activity that brought us pleasure in the first place, over and over again.
Giving also helps us make our relationships more engaging. It enhances the quality of our interactions with others. To receive the appreciation of someone we have just helped is not only rewarding at an individual level, but also a powerful way to cement our social bond with that person.

However, giving goes well beyond facilitating positive emotions or better interactions with others. It can become a profound driver of our success in life, by contributing directly to the meaning and accomplishment components of the PERMA model.

Giving As Purpose

In “Grit: The Power of Passion and Perseverance” by Penn’s psychologist Angela Duckworth, I learned about Kat Cole. Cole started her career waitressing at Hooters while finishing her high school. She later rose up to become vice president of the company at age 26. Today, Kat Cole is Group President of Focus Brands, an investor, humanitarian and advisor.

Here’s her attitude on giving:

“By doing good for just one person, in just one moment, you can affect the trajectory of many things, of many lives, all over the world. Even if in some situations it’s not easy to be kind, gracious or positive, keep in mind it’s not just that moment that you are affecting, it’s many moments into the future.”

She differentiates between productive achievers and destructive achievers. As per her own description in a recent interview:

“There are a lot of people who have been incredibly successful by the typical person’s definition, financially or in terms of career acceleration, but have done it destructively, by not lifting others up and bringing them along. Then there are those who have been productive achievers, who have also brought others along with them and made a difference.”

For Cole, her giving attitude implied raising others and bringing them along in her path towards growth. A deep sense of purpose, rooted on an abundance mentality, had a significant impact on her professional success.

Happiness has to be earned. It cannot be chased. It cannot be manufactured. Happiness is about the consistency of our daily actions with our principles. The way we respond to the daily demands of life. In that context, a virtuous circle of gratitude and giving — as proven by positive psychology, the science of happiness — becomes a critical element of a fulfilling life.

And now. . . THE BIG Sooooooooooo:

Psssssssssssssssssssssssssst:

LIFE is not a zero-sum game. An abundance mindset is both possible and practical. Science has shown our brains are wired to give because they prolong positive emotions from such interactions. Positive Psychology confirms this and gives us a model we can use to become productive achievers: PERMA.

Not Just Another Job

May 14, 2018 By ChuckBehrens Leave a Comment

Your Favorite Quote?

Behind all of your stories is always your mother’s story, because hers is where yours begin–Mitch Albom.

My mother was the most beautiful woman I ever saw. All I am I owe to my mother. I attribute my success in life to the moral, intellectual and physical education I received from her–George Washington.

Motherhood is the one job where, the better you are, the more surely you won’t be needed in the long run–Barbara Kingsolver

How vital are mother’s influence and teaching in the home–how apparent when neglected–Ezra Taft Benson.

Mothers worry only a out those we brought into this world, regardless of whether they loved us back or treated us fairly or understood our shortcomings–Adriana Trigiani

No language can express the power, and the beauty, and heroism, and majesty of a mother’s love. It shrinks not where man cowers, and grows stronger where man faints, and over wastes of worldly fortunes sends the radiance of a quenchless fidelity like a star.–Edwin Hubbell Chapin

Mom–the person most likely to write an autobiography and never mention herself–Robert Brault

I, like the rest of the world, have had a wonderful day of celebrating Mother’s Day.

I was able to see my mom, a continued blessing, itself.

I had many prideful moments watching the reaction of Erin as the kids expressed thanks for being their MOM throughout the day.

I know that she in fact,

is not my mother,

but I could have never been more blessed than her being the mom and stepmom to my children.

It really is more than just a job, isn’t it?

I can’t imagine too many more jobs more

t h a n k L E S S

Truly, it’s one of fewest jobs anyone would ever apply,

accept or keep. . .

and yet, there are well over a billion that hold the actual gut-wretching-never-ending position of

M O M

. . .to THAT there are only two words,

never said enough days before,

Day of,

or days after :

THANK YOU

About that favorite quote. . .

it’s most likely the one that the heart shouts and the mouth can’t begin the whisper. . .

the pen can never put to paper.

Go hug a mom. . .

and if you can’t—

HUG A CHILD OF ONE

—hard and just a little longer than usual. . .

J u s t b e c a u s e !

Happy Day After Mother’s Day!

(Make it just as important)

IT MAKES YOU THINK

April 23, 2018 By ChuckBehrens Leave a Comment

I love the story of a man who died and went to Heaven. . .

When he arrives at the Pearly Gates,

Saint Peter asks him just one simple question:

“HOW DID YOU ENJOY HEAVEN?”

Psssssssssssssssssssssssssssssst:

D O N ‘ T W A I T

Not one of us can

A D D

another Day to our Lives. . .

but there’s also not a

Single ONE of US

that can’t

I N C R E A S E

more LIFE to any Day

W E L I V E. . .

D O N ‘ T

W A I T

F A M I L Y

April 2, 2018 By ChuckBehrens Leave a Comment

We’ve all heard it. . .

We’ve all probably said it. . .

We’ve all probably thought it more than ever hearing or saying it:

YOU CAN PICK YOUR NOSE

YOU CAN PICK YOUR FRIENDS

BUT YOU CAN’T PICK YOUR FAMILY

. . .can they pick you?

I remember when our kids were little

and not when they’ve grown older and have kids of their own:

“You know there’s a legend, an ancient belief that babies actually choose their parents and also have a hand in the life they want to lead, especially in the lessons and challenges they need to face and learn from in their life. . . .”

I sometimes reminded buy kids of this when I wasn’t all that popular with them about decisions or consequences to some of the decisions they made. . .

I’d remind them,

“HEY, REMEMBER, YOU CHOSE ME, YOU CHOSE US. . .”

The one thing they never have heard from me

nor ever will:

“YOU ARE NOT A PART OF THIS FAMILY!”

That would be kind of hard for me since as a

Father

Grandfather

Husband

Professional Speaker

Minister

Chaplain

Man

Person

HUMAN BEING

I’ve never seen myself as not

being a part of

F A M I L Y

The Take Away. . .

No matter what

No matter where

No matter how

No matter when

I AM NOT LEAVING THIS FAMILY

(stay with me)