A DAY NOT FEBRUARY 14th

February 12, 2024 By ChuckBehrens Leave a Comment

It’s kind of amazing isn’t it. . .
It’s Valentine’s Day week,
Which means it’s a great day for people who really love each other
but not so great day for people that are grieving
or folks who have lost
or others who are alone. . .
Wonder if it
WASN’T
about that kind of love
Wonder if Valentine’s Day
was actually a gift that you give to somebody,
that includes Everybody
no matter
race
creed
religion
sex
no matter alone
no matter grieving
no matter sad or happy
What if it was a day that you
just loved
just to love
and maybe even better
Wonder if it was just a day to love
the way a person deserves to be loved
now that would be quite a day
we’re celebrating, right
and guess what
. . .not just on February 14
How about let’s make it that kind of a day
not only on Wednesday
but each day
how about
T O D A Y
before the 14th of February
(or the 14th of any other month)
S E E. . .
When Valentine’s Day is more than just a day
it has the greatest opportunity to become a
l i f e s t y l e

THE SHAPE YOU’RE IN

January 5, 2024 By ChuckBehrens Leave a Comment

Grant Snider over atIncidental Comics

reminds us:“The stories we tell ourselves shape our reality. We may try to box ourselves in, but we’re much more expansive and multifaceted than we think. Maybe if we tried to count our sides, they’d approach infinity—like a circle.”

(My thanks to Grant Snider.

And Happy Ongoing New Year to YOU!)

RESOLUTIONS

January 3, 2024 By ChuckBehrens Leave a Comment

W E L L. . .
ARE YOU A RESOLVER?
Another way to ask that question is:
ARE YOU A RESOLVING RESOLVER
or do you even try
or do you even care. . .
IN EVERY CASE
(and a few in between)
Here are

9 Mental-Health Resolutions for 2024, According to Therapists

Illustrations by Brown Bird Design for TIME

A reporter for Time Magazine ANGELA HAUPT

helps us sort through the in’s and out’s of to RESOLVE or DISOLVE

Whether you feel reborn—or even just a little bit reset—at the start of a new year, consider making your mental health a priority in 2024. Why? “Because that’s the gateway to everything else,” says Guy Winch, a clinical psychologist, author of Emotional First Aid, and co-host of the Dear Therapistspodcast. “It’s the linchpin that allows you to succeed or to fail.”

With that in mind, we asked Winch and other experts to share the New Year’s resolutions they wish people would make in the name of mental health.

1. Rethink your social-media use

Spend some time reflecting on whether you’d like to continue with the same online habits in 2024, says Nedra Glover Tawwab, a therapist and author of Set Boundaries, Find Peace: A Guide to Reclaiming Yourself. (If it’s hard to stop scrolling long enough to have an earnest conversation with yourself, take it as a sign that you need a change.) “Do you want to set some boundaries for yourself? Are there people you need to unfollow?” asks Tawwab. For example, you might limit yourself to 15 minutes on social media per day—or delete the most time-sucking apps from your phone during the work week. You could also challenge yourself not to check social media when you’re feeling glum, which is like throwing fuel on an already simmering fire. “The top of the year is a great time to consider how you want to do the rest of the year,” Tawwab says.

2. Reconnect with a long lost friend

That old adage—”Make new friends, but keep the old”—is one to live by, especially considering that loneliness affects physical and mental health, while strong social bonds are a salve. In 2024, Winch suggests resolving to reach out to “one person you lost touch with who used to be dear to you.” If you’re not sure how to open the conversation, he recommends sending a text message like this: “I was thinking about you. It’s been so long. How are you?” End the note with a smiley face, he adds. “That’s important because when you say, ‘It’s been so long,’ it can sound accusatory.” A smiley face, Winch says, can ensure the real meaning— “I miss you”—comes across.

Americans have an empathy deficit, says Calvin Fitch, a clinical health psychologist with Massachusetts General Hospital and Harvard Medical School. He believes fostering empathy is the antidote to the divisiveness ripping society apart. “The fortunate thing about empathy is that it can be trained,” he says. “It can grow.”

3. Develop empathy for someone different from you

In 2024, connect with someone from a group you have a moderate level of difficulty understanding, Fitch suggests. You could follow someone from a different political, religious, or ethnic background on social media, spend time in their community, or even read about a fictional character from that group. “Aim to understand their perspective and read their emotions,” he says. “Try to be able to thoughtfully answer these questions: What makes this person happy? What makes them worried? What are their dreams? What experiences and emotions have shaped their world view? And how are their thought patterns similar to mine?” As Fitch points out, people with high levels of empathy tend to function better in society than those with low levels—with more robust social networks and closer relationships.

4. Stop ruminating about work

This can be the year you stop spending evenings replaying upsetting thoughts about the workday, or engaging in fantasy duels with your rude boss. The simplest way to counteract these unproductive thoughts—which might trigger a visceral stress response, like chest tightness—is to convert whatever you’re ruminating about into a problem-solving question, Winch says. Say you’re spiraling over how much work you have to do and how you’ll never get it done. “That’s the ruminative thought,” Winch says. “The problem-solving version is a scheduling question. When do I have time to deal with the thing that’s bothering me? What can I move or reprioritize? Do I need to look at my schedule to reassure myself I do have time?” Figuring that out, he says, allows you to “ease the stress and distress and continue on with your evening.”

5. Slate four activities each week

One way to buffer ourselves against life’s stressors is to engage in a wide variety of activities, Fitch advises. First, seek out something that’s pleasurable, like going to a football game or belting out your favorite Taylor Swift album. This sort of fun activity “decreases your reactivity to stress by helping you accumulate more positive events than negative ones,” he says. Then check off a “mastery activity,” like cleaning your house or running errands you’ve been delaying. You might not want to do them, but you’ll almost certainly feel better once they’re done. Also key are being social—a sense of belonging facilitates better health—and doing physical activities that get your heart rate going.

6. Do one small thing to alleviate climate anxiety

If you’re distressed about the state of the planet—and more of us are—festering in your thoughts will likely exacerbate the situation. Instead, take a cue from Winch’s family: Each year, they pledge to do one thing to ease their climate anxiety, like eliminating plastic bags, composting food scraps, or walking 15 minutes to nearby destinations in lieu of driving. “It’s overwhelming—I feel like I can’t get my arms around it,” he says. “But doing one small thing is a way of feeling like you’re upping your game.”

7. Write a thank you letter

Being grateful is linked with an array of benefits, including improved mental health—but that hinges on practicing it in a way that feels natural to you. Once a year or so, Winch likes to write a thank you letter to someone who did a small thing that they might not have realized had a big impact on him. “I tell them the context, and I tell them why I’m reminding them of something they have no recollection of,” he says. Once, he reached out to someone he had shared a summer house rental with years prior. The two are now close friends, but at the time, they didn’t know each other—yet the then-stranger had picked up a set of toiletries for him, since there weren’t any there. “It was so lovely and considerate and warm,” he says, and helped him feel immediately at ease. Now, thanks to Winch’s letter, his friend knows exactly how he feels—a boon for both of them.

8. Write ‘you time’ into your schedule every day

It could be just 10 minutes twice a day. The key is embracing designated time that’s all about you—and making it a standing meeting on your calendar. That way, “it’s seen as just as productive as any other business appointment you have,” says Kelsey Latimer, a clinical psychologist based in Florida. You might go on a quick walk outside, do some stretches, or close your eyes and embark on a guided meditation, she suggests. Silence your phone and close your office door (or Slack app) to let the people around you know you’re briefly unavailable. You’ll be much happier, and feel more energized, the rest of the day.

9. Check in with a professional

You could set all the mental-health resolutions in the world and still benefit from talking with a therapist or other licensed professional—someone who’s trained to help you optimize your well-being. If you’ve been to therapy in the past, the start of the year is a terrific time to schedule a catch-up session, Tawwab says; if it’s a new idea, check a directory like those run by Psychology Today or Good Therapy to find someone who’s available and affordable near you. “Do a mental health check-in just to make sure those bigger things are addressed, and to get their opinion on things that are coming up,” she notes. A therapist will be able to arm you with the tools you need to thrive in 2024—and beyond.

DO-ABLE. . .
Maybe the real question, the truest question is
IS IT WANT-ABLE. . .
M E. . .
I just want to
WAKE UP STUPID EVERYDAY;
TO TRULY WAKE UP EVERY MORNING
AND KNOW THAT I DON’T HAVE ALL THE ANSWERS
AND I NEED TO LOOK AT EVERY MAJOR CHALLENGE
THROUGH FRESH EYES. . .

Y O U R S

Fa-La-La-La-Whaaaaaaat?

December 20, 2023 By ChuckBehrens 2 Comments

W E L L. . .
are you ready to bring some
B A H
to everyone else’s
H U M B U G. . .

Hold on there, Sparky
before you pull the plug on all of the festivities
there just may be

Two Surprising Ways to Make Your Holidays Less Stressful

We can find joy even if the holiday season doesn’t live up to our expectations. . .

Christine Carter, Ph.D. is a Senior Fellow at the Greater Good Science Center. She is the author of The New Adolescence: Raising Happy and Successful Teens in an Age of Anxiety and Distraction (BenBella, 2020), The Sweet Spot: How to Accomplish More by Doing Less (Ballantine Books, 2015), and Raising Happiness: 10 Simple Steps for More Joyful Kids and Happier Parents (Random House, 2010). A former director of the GGSC, she served for many years as author of its parenting blog, Raising Happiness. She may put some twinkle in your tinsel with some of these simple suggestions to keep you going as A Caring Catalyst during this Holiday Season.

Feeling overwhelmed? Wondering how you’re going to get it all done? Wishing you could just lie down? You aren’t alone.

The holidays can be stressful. Often, there’s a lot to do and a lot to buy and a lot of people to see. Sometimes we get so busy we have a hard time enjoying events that we’re otherwise looking forward to.

But we can make this holiday season less stressful for ourselves. Below are two tips to enjoy the holidays more.

Accept that the holidays will probably be, at times, disappointing. . .

Bet you weren’t expecting that one! But acceptance is a strangely effective strategy for feeling happier and more relaxed at any time of the year. When we accept a person or a situation we find challenging, we let go of the resistance that creates stress and tension. There’s a lot of truth to the adage that “what we resist, persists.”

Here’s how this works. When someone or something is being a pain in your rear, take a deep breath and accept the situation. Say to yourself something like, “I accept that Jane is upset right now; I allow this situation to be as it is.” Then notice how you are feeling, and accept how you are feeling, as well. You can say to yourself, “I accept that I am feeling angry at Jane and disappointed. I allow my feelings to be as they are right now.”

If accepting a disappointing situation or person seems too hard for you, here are the handy alternatives you’re left with:

You can judge and criticize others and the disappointing situation in general, and blame others for your own negative feelings. As a bonus, everyone around you will no doubt feel your judgment. Some people will likely feel wrongly accused, or like you are trying to “fix” them. You’ll achieve the dual outcomes of being hurtful to others while simultaneously making yourself feel tense and lonely.
Another alternative to acceptance is to nurse your anxiety and despair over the situation through rumination. To ruminate effectively, think about what is wrong with the situation or person as often as possible. Don’t let yourself become distracted from the negative. Tell everyone what you don’t like about the situation or person. This will successfully amplify both your negative feelings and the difficulty of the situation.
You can also definitely deny how difficult the situation is by pretending that nothing is bothering you. You can stuff your hard feelings down by drinking too much or by staying really, really busy and stressed. Simply avoid situations and people you don’t want to deal with, because that’s more important than participating in meaningful traditions and events.

Criticism, judgment, rumination, blaming, denial, and avoidance are almost like holiday rituals for some of us. But they are all tactics of resistance, and they won’t protect you. Ironically, these tactics will allow the disappointments or difficulties to further embed themselves into your psyche.

This is a long-winded way of pointing out that resistance doesn’t make us less stressed or more joyful in difficult situations. What does work is to simply accept that the circumstance is currently hard. We can accept a difficult situation, and still make an effort to improve things. This gentle acceptance does not mean that you are resigned to a miserable holiday, or that nothing you do will make the situation better. Maybe it will get better—and maybe it won’t.

Accepting the reality of a difficult situation allows us to soften. This softening opens the door to our own compassion and wisdom; and we all know that over the holidays, we are going to need those things.

Let go of expectations while turning your attention to what you appreciate. . .

Some people (myself included) suffer from what I think of as an abundance paradox: Because we have so much, it becomes easy to take our good fortune for granted. As a result, we are more likely to feel disappointed when we don’t get what we want than to feel grateful when we do.

This tendency can be especially pronounced during the holidays, when we tend to have high hopes that everything will be perfect and wonderful and memorable. You might have a fantasy of a sweet, close relationship with an in-law, for instance, or grand ideas about the perfect Christmas Eve dinner.

This sort of hope, as my dear friend Susie Rinehart has reminded me, can be a slippery slope to unhappiness: Hoping a holiday event will be the best-ever can quickly become a feeling that we won’t be happy unless it is, leading to sadness and disappointment when reality doesn’t live up to our ideal.

Unfortunately, the reality of the holidays is unlikely to ever outdo our fantasies of how great everything could be. So the trick is to ditch our expectations and instead notice what is actually happening in the moment. And then find something about that moment to appreciate.

Can you appreciate that your spouse did a lot of planning (or dishes, or shopping) this week? Do you feel grateful that you have enough food for your holiday table? Are you thankful for your health (or if your health is not great, that you are still here)?

It’s enough to notice and appreciate the small things, but when I’m having trouble with this, I like to practice an extreme form of gratitude that involves contemplating how fleeting our lives may be. There’s nothing like facing death to make us appreciate our lives—and sure enough, research finds that when people visualize their own death in detail, their gratitude increases.

If you feel stuck on what isn’t going well rather than what is, set aside some time to reflect on the following questions. Take each question one at a time, and try journaling an answer to each before moving on to the next one.

What would I do if this were the last holiday season I had left to live? What would I do the same, and what would I do differently?
What would I do if this were the last holiday season that my spouse, parents, or children had left to live? What would I do the same, and what would I do differently?

It’s a little heavy, I know, but contemplating death does tend to put things in perspective.

As the holidays approach, we will likely feel stressed and exhausted, but we need not feel like victims to this time of year. We often have a great deal of choice about what we do and how we feel. We can choose to bring acceptance to difficult situations and emotions, and we can choose to turn our attention to the things that we appreciate.

This holiday season, may we all see abundance when it is all around us—not an abundance of stuff, necessarily, but rather an abundance of love and connection. Even during the difficult bits.

There’s still a whole lot of
F A
to go along with your
L A
L A
L A
Hopefully this will help keep your
lights burning
b r i g h t
and bring you some
M E R R Y
M E R R Y
to share your cup of
C H E E R

FREEZE THE FRAME

December 18, 2023 By ChuckBehrens Leave a Comment

We all have those
FREEZE THE FRAME MOMENTS
that make memories even more precious than they are
especially this time of the year. . .

This is one of my
FREEZE THE FRAME MOMENTS. . .
This picture of my sister and I was taken in front of my grandparents fireplace on a Christmas morning. I was two and my sister was 4. It was before my two other brothers were born. I have no idea what I got for Christmas that morning but I know the people who gave me the gifts loved me and even in death, still do which is
THE BEST GIFT OF ALL. . .
What’s your
FREEZE THE FRAME MOMENT?
No matter what they may have been
or even if they are in the making
it allows us to know that our
M E M O R I E S
mean
N O T H I N G
unless
L O V E
is attached to them
and then they are everything they are
everything they were
and everything they’re to become
FREEZE THE FRAME
and may your greatest memories
be those yet to be
f r a m e a b l e

EMPTY CHAIR’D

December 8, 2023 By ChuckBehrens 4 Comments

THE EMPTY CHAIR
Will stare you down
Glare back
Blink not
Because it holds the
h a l l o w e d
power of
M E M O R I E S

ANGUISH:
The lack of Blindness
that illuminates
The Empty Chair
at a Holiday Table

The best thing about an
EMPTY CHAIR
At the Table
Is that it has a Meaning
No other Emptiness
Could ever hold
or Capture

It WHISPERS:
I’m still here
It SHOUTS:
Remember When

The Blessing
of an
EMPTY CHAIR
Is it cradles what can’t be held
No Hurt
No Grief
No Pain
No Loss
No Emptiness
That’s caused by a power
Much stronger than all of those things
Together:
L O V E

There’s nothing that shouts louder
Than a Silent Space
There’s nothing more full
Than an
EMPTY CHAIR
A heart will always Shout
What a mouth can’t Whisper
EMPTY CHAIR
That reminds of scents
That holds little sense
That makes no cents
But always keeps us
To what Was
Tortured to what Is
Foreigners to what
For an Ever
Will always be

And the worst of the worst
The baddest of the bad
The grievous of the grief
isn’t
THE EMPTY CHAIR

It’s the
s m a l l e s t
slow rusting rotting
EMPTY CHAIR
that holds
what never was
reminding us
painfully
of all of the memories
that’ll never be
created
experienced
imagined

Leaving us
not only
Empty Chair’d
But Spilled OUT
Off our Rocker
POURED OUT

The only thing worse than getting
EMPTY CHAIR’D
is being
NO CHAIR’D

Forever leaving blank the phrases:
I REMEMBER THE TIME:
I’LL NEVER FORGET THE TIME:
or better yet,
WHAT ABOUT THE TIME:
. . .because the worst memories of all
ARE THOSE NEVER CREATED. . .
EMPTY CHAIR’D

SEEING BEAUTY THAT DOESN’T EXIST

December 6, 2023 By ChuckBehrens Leave a Comment

Have you ever seen
BEAUTY THAT DOESN’T EXIST?

Let’s face it. . .
THE WORLD ISN’T ALWAYS A PRETTY PLACE
especially when it shows us
anything that could ever resemble even remotely
B E A U T Y
but maybe it’s time to rub your eyes
and take another look
A DEEPER GAZE
at what’s unblinkingly before us. . .
Some 60 days ago
the Israel-Hamas war began waging
to an almost unimaginable comprehension
near and far
FAR, FAR,
from anything we could label
B E A U T Y
but. . .

Seeing Beauty Matters,
Even in the Midst of War

When people find themselves displaced from their homes, finding or creating beauty is a human impulse that brings
hope and resilience. . .

Stephanie Acker from The Greater Good Magazine recently reported what we hoped but maybe, even now, still can’t comprehend. She pulls back the curtain to the following story:

A small group of children in Gaza sit on a lavender and white blanket around a small tray of beverages, singing “Happy Birthday” to a young girl. Like kids her age around the world, she wears a sweatshirt with prints of Elsa and Anna, characters from Frozen; unlike most kids, she’s celebrating against a backdrop of a war that, according to United Nations estimates as of November 10, 2023, has already killed more than 4,500 Palestinian children.

Celebrating anything might seem odd or even inappropriate in the face of so much devastation—and in the middle of what many are calling genocide.

However, in the research of refugees that Stephanie conducted with interdisciplinary artist and scholar Devora Neumark, they found that the urge to beautify one’s surroundings is widespread and profoundly beneficial—particularly so in the harrowing circumstances of loss, displacement, and danger.

When people find themselves displaced from their homes, finding or creating beauty can be just as vital as food, water, and shelter.

Gaza today

In the first six weeks of the Israel-Hamas war, 70% of Gaza’s 2.3 million residents have had to leave or have lost their homes.

Over half crowd into some type of emergency shelter, while others squeeze into relatives’ and neighbors’ homes. Food is scarce and increasingly expensive. According to the U.N., people are getting only 3% of the water they need each day. Much of the water they do have is polluted.

Crops are dying. Moms are not producing breast milk. People are getting sick. There are severe shortages of baby formula, as well as anesthesia for those needing surgery. The lack of space and overwhelming stress and fear add sleep to the list of things that are hard to come by.

These needs are urgent and essential. Without them, people will die. Too many already have, while the conditions for those who live are horrific. They make it hard to see much else.

But the endless images of bombs and blood hide the story of the life, colorand creativity that existed in Gaza. And they hide the beauty that persists despite war.

Beauty is often viewed as a luxury. But this isn’t the case. It’s the opposite.

A human impulse

Beauty has been a hallmark of every human civilization. Art philosopher Arthur Danto wrote that beauty, while optional for art, is not an option for life. Neuroscientists have shown that our brains are biologically wired for beauty: The neural mechanisms that influence attention and perception have adapted to notice color, form, proportion, and pattern.

We’ve found that refugees worldwide, often with limited or no legal rights, still invest considerable effort in beautifying their surroundings. Whether they’re staying in shelters or makeshift apartments, they paint walls, hang pictures, add wallpaper, and carpet the floors. They transform plain and seemingly temporary accommodations into personalized spaces—into semblances of home.

Refugees rearrange spaces to share meals, celebrate holidays, and host parties—to greet friends, hold dances, and say goodbyes. They burn incense, serve tea in decorative porcelain, and recite prayers on ornate mats. These simple acts carry profound significance, even amid challenges.

Urban studies scholars Layla Zibar, Nurhan Abujidi, and Bruno de Meulder have told the story of Um Ibrahim, a Syrian refugee. When she was pregnant, she and her husband transformed the tent they were issued at a refugee camp in the Kurdistan region of Iraq into home. They built brick walls. She planned paint colors and furniture. Around her, neighbors potted plants and set up chairs to create front porches on their temporary shelters to be able to gather with friends. They turned roads into places for celebrating special occasions. They painted a flag at the entrance of the camp.

They made a new home, but they also made it feel like it “used to in Syria.”

Creating hope in a hopeless place

The benefits of beauty are both practical and transformative, especially for refugees.

Many refugees experience trauma. All experience loss. Beautifying is a way to exert agency, grieve, and heal.

Simple acts—rearranging a home, sweeping the floor, or intentionally placing an object—allow refugees to infuse an area with their own identity and taste. They provide a way to cope when one has little control over anything else. Often, once someone is labeled a refugee, all their other identities are overshadowed or disappear.

Neumark’s study of over 200 individuals who experienced forced displacement found that beautifying the home helped heal intergenerational trauma caused by forced displacement.

Neumark observed that as children participated in efforts to beautify their home, it seemed to positively influence their own coping mechanisms and well-being.

Furthermore, if children could imagine their homes prior to displacement through the stories and images shared with them—what scholar Marianne Hirsch calls “postmemories”—then the actions taken to beautify their present-day homes could be transformative. They served as a bridge connecting the past with the present and facilitated the ongoing process of healing and preserving identity.

Ultimately, making a space feel more comfortable, secure, and personalized is a tangible expression of hope for a future.

Cultivating love and life

Even prior to the start of the Israel-Hamas war, Palestinians lived in the face of immense injustice and violence.

Their Palestinian research partner, who must remain anonymous for security reasons, described that their home in the refugee camp feels like living in jail, but that they still make it a beautiful place to live.

Prior to the start of the latest war, neighborhoods featured striking muralsand embellished walls. Intricate mosaics adorned buildings, and paint livened the facades of homes. Neighbors would gather to pray, putting on new clothes, spraying perfume, and burning incense to prepare for the rituals. As Christmas approached, Palestinian Christians, along with some Muslims, would decorate their homes. Both faiths would gather for annual tree lightings.

Geographer David Marshall described how youth living in a Palestinian refugee camp used beauty to focus on the positives in their environment and dream about a future beyond their camp—and the walls that constrained their lives.

In their community-based storytelling project in a Palestinian refugee camp this past summer, they witnessed the commitment to making homes beautiful in the thriving gardens that were created within very crowded quarters. Neighbors shared how their gardens calm them, provide a place to gather with friends, and serve as a reminder of fields they once tended.

In her 2021 research, Corinne Van Emmerick, a Ph.D. candidate in sociology, described Fatena, a Palestinian who was living in a refugee camp. She had flowers on everything—the roof, walls, and windowsills. They were expensive and needed “lots of love.” But, Fatena added, they gave her “love back.”

A form of resistance and resilience

One Guinean refugee interviewed as part of Neumark’s study said, “As refugees we lose our sense of beauty, and when that happens, we lose our sense of everything, of life itself.”

If the opposite of this is true, then clearly beauty cannot be thought of as superficial or an afterthought. One study of Bosnian refugees found that their ability to notice beauty was a sign of improved mental health.

Creating, witnessing, and experiencing beauty offers a connection to the familiar, works to preserve cultural identity, and fosters belonging.

It’s what ensures that a little girl in Gaza not only has her birthday celebrated, but that it is also made as beautiful as possible.
So. . .
do you see
BEAUTY
in the
B O T C H E D. . .
BRING YOUR PAINT BRUSH
. . .let your strokes be broad and bold
SHOW A BEAUTY
that muddied
can still never be besmirched. . .

(Devora Neumark, an interdisciplinary artist and researcher whose trauma-informed work explores the intersections between a home beautification and the human experience in the context of displacement, contributed to writing this article.

This article is republished from The Conversation under a Creative Commons license. Read the original article.)

YOUR REMEMBER WHEN’ER

December 4, 2023 By ChuckBehrens Leave a Comment

This video has been making it’s rounds as the Holiday season is in full force unfolding before us. No matter what we believe or in what various moods/feelings we are treading or at times, seemingly drowning in, Holidays or not, it goes to the heart of our remembering, our once upon a times, that at times feels like hugging a porcupine and yet we squeeze all the more harder to keep those memories close and to actually do all we can to bring them back to vivid, living color so that we can feel all that is good, all that is love, all that once upon a time was. . .

Sometimes it’s not so much
WHAT YOU REMEMBER
as
T H A T
you are
R E M E M B E R E D. . .
Memories are precious
and the only things more important:
THE MEMORIES YET TO BE CREATED. . .
this holiday season
May your greatest memories
be those you’ve yet to create
(but undoubtedly will)
Let your Remember’er
bring you
what
THE NEW
sometimes can never quite promise
(and may your Remember’er do it often)

A FRUITCAKE WORLD

December 1, 2023 By ChuckBehrens Leave a Comment

Elise Bauer

Sometimes it feels like we are living in a fruitcake world, doesn’t it? The word on the decorated holiday street is that only about 11% of the population actually LIKE fruitcake. How about you? Do you like it? Has it ever been gifted to you? Is it found on your holiday get together table? Would you go for a slice or a bowl of lima beans?

Sometimes it kind of feels like a fruitcake world. . .

1 teaspoon baking soda
1 cup (236ml) full fat sour cream
2 cups (280g) raisins
1 cup (130g) chopped dates
1/2 cup (75g) chopped glazed cherries (can sub dried sweetened cranberries)
1 cup (100g) chopped walnuts
2 cups (260g) all-purpose flour, divided
8 tablespoons (113g) unsalted butter, softened
1 cup (200g) sugar
1large egg
Finely grated zest of 1 orange
1 teaspoon salt
1 to 2 ounces (30 to 60ml) brandy, optional

Any one of these ingredients are seemingly alright by themselves but once you mix them up, well, now that’s the problem. Much like our World which is made up of so many different kinds of ingredients are all okay on their own but mix them, WHOA!

Stir the dried fruits into the batter for the fruitcake recipe — Elise Bauer

My ingredients
won’t match or exceed the intentions
even when served up
during a holiday party
or dared to be given as a gift
most assuredly dared re-gifted

If we’d but notice
we’re all in the mix
bringing distinct flavors
that favors your approval

Straight from the mixing bowls of grace
that fold firmly and blend
without separating
on our way to ovens
of warm completedness

Served with a smile
even as being rejected
but maybe
in a fresh NOW
at least appreciated

A humble invitation:

N O W
that’s a slice of something
we can all agree. . .
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HO-HO-HELL

November 29, 2023 By ChuckBehrens Leave a Comment

OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HOW THE
HO
HO
HO
has already begun
with the same
Q U E S T I O N
every year:
HOW DO YOU SURVIVE THE HOLIDAYS
or dare to
T H R I V E
and actually
enjoy them. . .

5 Ways to Survive

The Holidays if You’re a Scrooge

Illustration by Brown Bird Design for TIME

It’s a really good question but not as good as some of the not-so-age-old solutions that may be easier to implement than once thought or better still in lieu of scrapping the Holidays all together. . .Holiday lore has it that you better not pout, you better not cry. But that’s all some of us want to do during the holiday season, when the pressure to be festive is so intense, anyone who doesn’t comply risks being declared a grinch or a Scrooge.
There are plenty of reasons one might dislike the holidays, including strained family relationships, chaotic travel logistics, and the pressure to buy lots of gifts (in this economy). All are valid, mental-health experts say.

“Just like some people like chocolate and others don’t, some people don’t like the things that are associated with the holidays,” says Dr. Jessica Beachkofsky, a psychiatrist based in Fla. “There might be religious overtones they don’t appreciate. They might not like having to go out and about when it’s cold outside. Some people don’t like the noise—or music—of the holidays, and think it’s gaudy or obnoxious.”

If that sounds familiar, it’s important to focus on things that restore you. That includes the year-round stuff—getting enough sleep and exercise, and going easy on the alcohol—as well as activities that really lift you up. This is the time to get that massage, take yourself to the movies, and surround yourself with your favorite things.

If you’re dreading decking the halls, here are five ways to better cope this holiday season.

Reach Out

Maybe you don’t want to have a silent night—and then another and another. There’s so much focus on togetherness during the holidays that those who don’t have a packed calendar might feel isolated and sad. Be open about it. “Don’t be afraid to say to someone, ‘I’m alone. What are your plans? I don’t have any yet,’” says Dr. Sue Varma, a psychiatrist in New York. Many people will respond by extending an invitation; perhaps the only reason they hadn’t done so already was that they didn’t realize you’d be available or interested.

You can also seek out new friends and things to do via platforms like Meetupand Nextdoor, Varma recommends. Another way to surround yourself with people is to volunteer, even if it’s not something you plan on doing the rest of the year. Sign up to visit residents at a local nursing home, bake cookies for first-responders, adopt a kitten, or serve food at a homeless shelter. You’ll get to socialize, and whoever you’re helping will be grateful for the company—a win-win from any angle.

Set Boundaries

Illustration by Brown Bird Design for TIME

Lots of people struggle with the holidays because of strained family relationships. Setting boundaries is key, Varma says: Tell your mom that you’ll join her for Christmas or New Year’s, but only one-on-one and not with her new husband you don’t get along with. Or, if you don’t have the capacity to deal with your uncle’s political opinions, let your family know you’ll see him in a large group setting (not seated right next to you at dinner).

Have some lines ready to shut down any unwanted conversations. If someone brings up politics and you don’t want to engage, say, “I’m not here to talk about that, but I would like to talk about this delicious food, or the amazing athletes playing football today,” suggests Marhya Kelsch, a psychotherapist in Calif. or just the Classic: “Come on, it’s all about being together and the holidays not about the elections or rights. . . .”

If you’re nervous your guests will bring up a thorny personal issue, address it directly, immediately after arriving. You might say, “Todd and I broke up. It’s been really hard. I would appreciate if we could not talk about it, because I really want to enjoy being here with all of you,” Beachkofsky suggests. “It sounds scary, but if you say it one time, and if those people are even a little reasonable, they won’t bring up the thing you’re asking them not to talk about.”

Let yourself feel sad

Every year, Beachkofsky hears from people who are overcome with grief at the idea of spending the holidays without someone who’s no longer here. Her best advice? “You need to feel the feels,” she says. “If you’re sad and everyone else is happy, you are entitled to that feeling.” One way to cope, Beachkofsky says, is to let a supportive friend or family member know you’re struggling. Ask if you can call them any time you need an ear. Then, you’ll know you have someone to turn to who won’t simply tell you to be merry and have another cookie.

It can also be helpful to find ways of honoring the person—or people—you’re mourning. Did you share a special tradition, like always going to see the Trans-Siberian Orchestra together or making popcorn garland for the tree? “Find a way to incorporate that into the season,” says Steffani Wooley, a licensed professional counselor based in Texas. Or make a special ornament or photo collage that reminds you of your loved one. “You could even set a place at the table to remember them,” she says.

Be flexible with travel

Travel can be a logistical nightmare during the busiest time of the year. If you don’t want to fork over the cash for a prime-time plane ticket, or if you’re dreading the crowds and long delays, offer a compromise to your long-distance relatives. “Just say, ‘We’re not celebrating Christmas on December 25—we’re going to do it February 1,’” Varma suggests. Then, you can eliminate a major source of stress—and have something to look forward to throughout the holiday season.

Go low-key with gifts

Ongoing inflation is still causing prices for almost everything to spike. If exorbitant costs are stressing you out, take the pressure off. First, tell your family members you need to be more low-key about gifts this year, Varma advises. Those with a big family might draw names and only buy for one person or agree that only the kids will get gifts.

And rejigger your perspective on what makes a good gift. As Varma points out, people love to get homemade treats or other inexpensive but thoughtful offerings—“something as simple as homemade pesto,” she says. If you’re gifting someone who you know values time with you, book a yoga class or plan to cook a special meal together. “There are so many ways to be creative that don’t involve a lot of money,” she says.

Does this help bring some of the sparkle
Does this help bring some of the wonder
Does this help bring some of the jingle
back into your Holiday
or better
NOT STEAL FROM IT. . .

DARE BE THE FLAVOR THIS SEASON SEEKS
and ultimately defines you as the Caring Catalyst
IT NEEDS. . .
Here’s to a Ho-Ho-Hell-less Holiday
for one and all
and everyone in-between