Who Cares - What Matters
The older we get the less USE we have
is usually a lie we tell ourselves
even if it’s not our Birthday
So even when the World as a whole doesn’t recognize it
OR WORSE
just have USE of us any longer. . .
Never forget that we can still do
what no one else
CAN
Yeah, that kind of
C A N
t o o. . .
Mark Twain
once said,
“The two most important days in your life are
THE DAY YOU ARE BORN
a n d
THE DAY YOU FIND OUT WHY”
We celebrate a person’s Birthday
Not because of the Day that they were born
But because of what they have born
Because of what they have given Birth in us. . .
I’ve celebrated well over 38
of my wife,
Erin’s Birthday’s
with her
And not one of them
has ever been without the over apparent
R E C O G N I T I O N
that I,
that many
are far more better
no so much
because she’s been Born
but because of what she has BIRTHED
in us. . .
Erin
creates
CARING CATALYSTS
in everyone she meets
or those who come across
her paths
which means that the best
Birthday Gift of all
Is what you cause to be born in others. . .
Your are the next Rung
on all of our Ladder’s
that take us Higher
. . .Always Higher
There’s no Candle on a Cake
that could ever illuminate more
and it’s
u n e x t i n g u i s h a b l e
Some actually powerfully prove
their Flicker
never compares to the
F L A M E
they ignite
and spread to others
. . .talk about a
fortunate inextinguishable inferno. . .
All ground is fertile
and she proved it
by taking what had no life
L I V E
She makes my soul her soil
when she rakes deeply
and prunes, sharply
The ache is more of a yearning
Ahhhhhhhh
than a moaning Owwwwwwl
She makes things grow
out of nothingness
an Everythingness
hardly without notice
but never unnotable
BIRTHDAYS
MARK YEARS;
M O M E N T S
make
L I F E T I M E S
and I just can’t stop smiling
for all of the things
SHE MAKES GROW
in everyone she knows
and meets
Lots of people don’t watch TV|
Lots of people do. . .
Lots of people don’t watch
THIS IS US
Lots of people DO. . .
Some 4.97 Million watched this past Tuesday night
THE NEXT TO THE LAST SHOW
that had lots of
YOU-BETTER-GRAB-A-TOWEL
m o m e n t s
as we watched the matriarch, Rebecca Pearson
literally actively die in front of us
and what lots of hospice folks
COMPANION
(HOLD SPACE)
as a patient dies
and what they may be actually
(visioning)
feeling/seeing/sensing/experiencing
as they slip from this world
to the Great Whatever
lies beyond a last breath here
and a first breath
T H E R E
Nearly twenty-eight years of being a hospice chaplain has put me beside a lot of death beds of where I have companioned the dying and their loved ones. I applaud the writers and the actors for pulling back the curtain and giving us a fairly realistic look at what THAT moment looks like. . .a moment each one or us will experience, without all of the lights, cameras, action settings but in a more real, intimate, personal way because all of the evidence-based data shares the irrefutable:
ONE OUT OF ONE OF US DIES
And here’s where This Is Us Season 6, Episode 17 from this past Tuesday picks up. After a long battle with Alzheimer’s, Rebecca (Mandy Moore) passed, and the way her family told her goodbye was beautiful. Viewers were taken inside Rebecca’s psyche (literally) as she approached death. For her, this manifested in the form of a moving train. Rebecca was young on the train, and the passengers were people in her life, past and present. Meanwhile, in real life, as Rebecca’s family said their final goodbyes, they appeared on the train. And the person leading her through this experience (a.k.a the conductor on the train) was William (Ron Cephas Jones).
At the end of the episode, after the family members have said their last words to Rebecca, she reaches the train’s caboose. “This is quite sad, isn’t it?” she asks William. “The end?”
To this, William gives a beautiful, stunning speech to Rebecca. These are the last words she hears before going into the caboose (before she passes away). Read them in full, below:
“The way I see it, if something makes you sad when it ends, it must have been pretty wonderful when it was happening. Truth be told, I always felt it a bit lazy to just think of the world as sad, because so much of it is. Because everything ends. Everything dies. But if you step back, if you step back and look at the whole picture, if you’re brave enough to allow yourself the gift of a really wide perspective, if you do that, you’ll see that the end is not sad, Rebecca. It’s just the start of the next incredibly beautiful thing.”
With this, Rebecca hugs William and goes into the caboose, where a bed is waiting for. She lies down, and next to her is Jack (Milo Ventimiglia), reuniting the couple after decades of separation.
William’s speech epitomizes that moment—and it epitomizes This Is Us in general. If the show has taught us anything, it’s that nothing is forever. Any sadness or loss we saw the Pearsons experience in the present was always followed by a flash-forward, where we saw them happy, thriving, and doing just fine. Each storyline has shown us that no chapter is forever—the good ones end, and so do the bad ones. Life keeps moving, and we move with it. It’s a comforting message for anyone experiencing a hard time. Chapters always, always come to a close. The great poet Robert Frost once said, “ALL I KNOW ABOUT LIFE CAN BE SUMMED UP IN THREE WORDS: IT GOES ON!
It’s something Chris Sullivan (Toby) told NBC Insider when talking about the legacy of This Is Us. “From the first episode, they show you tragedy and pain, but they also shoot you into the future and show you, ‘Oh, this family’s OK,'” he said. “We jump back and forth and see, ‘Oh my gosh, this father died in a fire.’ Then, we jump forward and see, ‘Oh, this family’s OK.’ Tragedy and joy are held in both hands…Everything cycles around.”
Yes, it does. The series finale of This Is Us airs Tuesday, May 24 at 9 p.m. ET on NBC.
Hey. . .it’s just TV, right. . .
YUP. Yeah, it is. . .until it isn’t
THIS IS US
ALL OF US
“If something makes you sad when it ends, it must have been pretty wonderful when it was happening”… and with that, one last car. The caboose.
This Is Us
(Now about THAT towel)
| Please Touch the Art |
| This compelling video tells the story of an artist, Andrew Myers, who is so moved by a blind man’s joy at “feeling” three dimensional art that he is inspired to create three dimensional portraits to be experienced by people who are blind or visually impaired. Why is touching artwork so taboo? According to the producers of the film, “Prior to the mid-1800s, tactile interaction was commonplace for visitors experiencing collections of art, but as museums of art evolved, rules forbidding touch became the norm.” In this film, Myers surprises George Wurtzel, a blind artisan working in wood, with a portrait. Wurtzel delights in sharing his portrait with his visually impaired students at Enchanted Hills Camp as he teaches them by example how to work as a blind artisan. Wurtzel’s philosophy that “your life is what you decide it will be” permeates the film. |
It is such a simple simple question with such a profound and almost on answerable reply:
WHAT MAKES YOUR LIFE MEANINGFUL?
Is your life ultimately what you decide you want to make it to be or what OTHERS decide they’d like to make you be?
We are all severely handicapped
We are blind
We are deaf
We are mute
And because of THAT
Know a darkness;
Know a stillness;
Know an utterlessness
that can’t be described only experienced
And sadly, often is
And even more sadly,
Often
NEVER HAS TO BE
And The cure is when we remedy that
first of all and ourselves
we also heal it for others. . .
Test THAT
GO AHEAD
TOUCH
TASTE
SEE
HEAR
SMELL
S E N S E
beyond what
Fingers
Eyes
Noses
Mouths
Ears
can ever achieve and the
Go full on artist
Be artisan enough
To share THAT with OTHERS
So that you become the
a r t
And not just simply the artist….
OVER ONE YEAR LATER
. . .We are literally living in some severely surreal times. . .
STILL
well past 365 days later
The World just doesn’t merely seem to be rocked on it’s axis
or upside down
But actually less Round than we previously thought. . .
and whatever it was we thought we knew
almost seems
myth-like
to what we’re feeling. . .
L I K E :
IT
TAKES
A VILLAGE
and not that it’s just a nice cliche
IT HAS NEW MEANING
We have all heard it said it takes a village to raise a child. . .
but what about an ADULT?
What’s it take to not so much raise but
CARE FOR
AN ADULT. . . ?
Because of our continuing
MASKING
PHYSICAL DISTANCING
HAND SCRUBBING
VACINNATING
We’ve never been less of a Village
than right now,
AND THEN AGAIN. . .
never more than
A Village
OF ONE
than NOW. . .
Who could have ever imagined,
even with all of our safety measures
that one person could be a Village. . .
that YOU are a Village?
It is true isn’t it. . .
Y O U
The Village
. . .How is that even possible?
Because now more than ever you are re-defining
overcoming the myth
you have lived with all of your life
The fib that’s been told to us
ever since we were very
very small
the lie that might’ve been the first lie
we ever heard:
That you have a purpose
That you have a reason
That you have a destiny
That you have a meaning. . .
T O D A Y
especially today
with what’s going on all around us
all that’s grumbling loudly within us
where our World feels like it has been
rolled down a steep hill
heading quickly for a cliff
of a dark unknown return
stumbling and rumbling out of place;
B U T
now more than
our ever
we are eerily discovering
that we were born for
THIS TIME
in THIS PLACE
for THIS MOMENT
THIS NOW. . .
And it’s not to be
For a Purpose
For a Meaning
For a Reason
For a Destiny. . .
It’s truly to be
A Village
YOU,
The Village
. . .because now more than ever
we have never been more
P L U R A L
than Who we are in right now. . .
Now more than ever
Y O U
are not just a Person
A Woman
A Mom
A Man
A Dad
A Partner
A Significant Other
A Uncle
A Aunt
A Grandfather
A Grandmother
You’re not just what your vocation says you are
you are all of those roles
all of those characters
wrapped up in one. . .
You are a walking
You are a talking
You are a living
You are a giving
V I L L A G E
YOU,
The Village
Now the most ultimate question of all
. . .especially for this new
N O W
is just what kind of a
Village are you. . . ?
Can you even be found on a map
Seen from a Satellite from way above;
Are you inclusive
Are you exclusive
Do you draw circles and include everybody
or are you a line drawer in the sand
that points as it emphasizes
you
You
and YOU
are IN
and
You
You
and most especially
Y O U
are out?
YOU,
The Village
are living in an age where the temporary feels like the permanent
but it most assuredly isn’t. . .
The new
NEW
is born in you
not just once
or once in a while
or even once a day
but every single moment. . .
And now
N O W
proves to us that it always has been this way
but never as magnified
as it is at this very
I N S T A N T
We have long heard the question
that determines whether or not we are
Optimists or Pessimists :
Is the glass half full or half empty?
N O W
Maybe another way to ask this question
Is this
NOW
Happening to us
or
HAPPENING
For Us. . .
It’s no longer
WHAT FILLS YOUR GLASS
b u t
WHAT EMPTY’S IT
(or WHO). . . ?
It’s not really a question to answer with your mouth
but your Actions;
so how live you. . .
not what say YOU
HOW LIVE YOU
YOU ARE A VILLAGE
To know it is one thing.
To be it is another.
But this
N O W
means to share it
is
the ultimate thing
. . .and then never let the
l o v i n g
stop from overflowing
from one
to another
until this
S E T T L E M E N T
becomes
YOU-NIVERASL
IS THERE A DIFFERENCE . . ?
According to Dr Dhruv Khullar, who is a physician at New York-Presbyterian Hospital as well as a Researcher at the Weill Cornell Department of Healthcare Policy Research there’s not just a difference but a major distinction. . .
Happiness has little to do with it. Research suggests meaning in your life is important for well-being.
My favorite medical diagnosis is “failure to thrive.”
Not because patients are failing to thrive — that part makes me sad. But because of the diagnosis’s bold proposition: Humans, in their natural state, are meant to thrive.
My patient, however, was not in his natural state. Cancer had claimed nearly every organ in his body. He’d lost a quarter of his body mass. I worried his ribs would crack under the weight of my stethoscope.
“You know,” he told me the evening I admitted him. “A few years ago, I wouldn’t have cared if I made it. ‘Take me God,’ I would’ve said. ‘What good am I doing here anyway?’ But now you have to save me. Sadie needs me.”
He’d struggled with depression most of his life, he said. Strangely enough, it seemed to him, he was most at peace while caring for his mother when she had Parkinson’s, but she died years ago. Since then, he had felt aimless, without a sense of purpose, until Sadie wandered into his life.
Sadie was his cat.
Only about a quarter of Americans strongly endorse having a clear sense of purpose and of what makes their lives meaningful, while nearly 40 percent either feel neutral or say they don’t. This is both a social and a public health problem: Research increasingly suggests that purpose is important for a meaningful life — but also for a healthy life. . .
Purpose and meaning are connected to what researchers call eudaimonic well-being. This is distinct from, and sometimes inversely related to, happiness (hedonic well-being). One constitutes a deeper, more durable state, while the other is superficial and transient.
Being a pediatric oncologist, for example, is not a “happy” job, but it may be a very rewarding one. Raising a family can be profoundly meaningful, but parents are often less happy while interacting with their children than exercising or watching television.
Having purpose is linked to a number of positive health outcomes, including better sleep, fewer strokes and heart attacks, and a lower risk of dementia, disability and premature death. Those with a strong sense of purpose are more likely to embrace preventive health services, like mammograms, colonoscopies and flu shots.
And people with high scores on measures of eudaimonic well-being have low levels of pro-inflammatory gene expression; those with high scores on hedonic pleasure have just the opposite.
Doing good, it seems, is better than feeling good.
One study analyzed how having purpose influences one’s risk of dementia. Researchers assessed baseline levels of purpose for 951 individuals without dementia, then followed them for seven years, controlling for things like depression, neuroticism, socioeconomic status and chronic disease. Those who had expressed a greater sense of purpose were 2.4 times less likely to develop Alzheimer’s, and were far less likely to develop even minor cognitive problems.
Another study followed more than 6,000 individuals over 14 years and found that those with greater purpose were 15 percent less likely to die than those who were aimless, and that having purpose was protective across the life span — for people in their 20s as well as those in their 70s.
Having purpose is not a fixed trait, but rather a modifiable state: Purpose can be honed through strategies that help us engage in meaningful activities and behaviors. This has implications at both the dinner table and the hospital bed.
A recent randomized control trial compared the effect of “meaning-centered” versus “support-focused” group therapy for patients with metastatic cancer. Patients in the support groups met weekly and discussed things like “the need for support,” “coping with medical tests” and “communicating with providers.”
Patients in the meaning-centered groups focused instead on spiritual and existential questions. They explored topics like “meaning before and after cancer,” “what made us who we are today,” and “things we have done and want to do in the future.” Meaning-centered patients experienced fewer physical symptoms, had a higher quality of life, felt less hopeless — and were more likely to want to keep living.
Other research suggests that school programs that allow students to discuss positive emotions and meaningful experiences may enhance psychological well-being, and protect against future behavioral challenges. But this isn’t how we usually operate. We instead assume that anxiety and depression are problems to be treated — not that emotional resilience and human flourishing are states to be celebrated.
What’s powerful about these conversations is not just that they can help cancer patients through treatment or help teenagers build resiliency — they can also help the rest of us. We should all consider asking ourselves and our loved ones these questions more often.
It was in these sessions that I chose my specialty, decided to apply to policy school, and vowed to reconnect with a lost friend.
Meaning grows not just from conversation, of course, but also from action. One recent study randomly assigned 10th graders to volunteer weekly with elementary students — to help with homework, cooking, sports, or arts and crafts — or put them on a wait list.
Teenagers who volunteered had lower levels of inflammation, better cholesterol profiles and lower body mass index. Those who had the biggest jumps in empathy and altruism scores had the largest reductions in cardiovascular risk.
Engaging in these kinds of activities may be most important for individuals whose identity is in flux, like parents with children leaving for college or workers preparing for retirement. A program run by Experience Corps, an organization that trains older adults to tutor children in urban public schools, has shown marked improvements in mental and physical health among tutors. The improvements included higher self-esteem, more social connectedness, and better mobility and stamina. (The children do better, too.)
REAL LIVE CARING CATALYST KIND OF STUFF, Huh?
This work hints at an underlying truth:
Finding purpose is rarely an epiphany, nor is it something you pick up at the mall or download from the app store. It can be a long, arduous process that requires introspection and conversation, then a commitment to act.
The key to a deeper, healthier life, it seems, isn’t knowing the meaning of life — it’s building meaning into your life. Even if meaning is a four-legged friend named Sadie. . .
Wait. . .
What. . .
Is being a Caring Catalyst
that simple
Is being a Kind person
that simple
Is being a Happy Person
that simple
Is being a Person with a Purpose
that simple. . .
Hmmmmmmmmmmmmm. . .
i s
i t
N O T ?
SIMON BIRCH
one of my go to movies
because this is
ONE OF MY
GO TO SCENES
of all time. . .
I’ve used it in
presentations
Bible Studies
HELP-SELF groups
Workshops
ALL
with the question of
WHO ARE YOU. . .
WHY ARE YOU HERE?
( N O W )
because the answer is ever-changing, right?
Who we were as a child at the end of the hand of a parent
IS A MUCH DIFFERENT PERSON
of the parent the child grows into
at the end of the hand of a child. . .
The Movie came out in September, 1998 and it doesn’t share the title of the book by John Irving because at his request he wanted the title changed because he didn’t believe that his novel could successfully be made into a film. . .
Irving’s book, was his 7th novel (WORTH THE READ) was published in 1989. And both, the book and the movie hover around the
WHY
HOW COME
WHAT FOR’S
of Life
and
OUR PLAN. . .
which brings us to
THE SCENE
after Simon
who’s never afraid to ask the tough questions
and lives much taller
than the dwarf he is
is in trouble for causing a huge ruckus
at the Christmas Eve Pageant
and just wants confirmed
what he believes
but no one looking at him
could ever:
THAT HE IS AN INSTRUMENT
THAT HE HAS A PURPOSE
THAT HE HAS A MEANING
THAT HE HAS A DESTINY
THAT HE HAS A REASON
for living. . .
and when the Episcopal Priest
has an opportunity to affirm him
TO AFFIRM US
he doesn’t by answering
I CAN’T
to the immortal question
“I want to know that there’s a reason for things;
I use to be certain, but now I’m not so sure. . .
I want you to tell me that
GOD HAS A PLAN FOR ME;
A PLAN FOR ALL OF US ?”
The PRIESTNESS
in all of us
are capable of answering
NOT WHAT
BUT THAT
the PURPOSES ARE MULTIPLE
. . .tell me,
share with me
your purpose
now
October 12, 2020
(ESPECIALLY NOW IN 2020)
so we can
c a r i n g l y
Catalyst together
to make
I T
happen for each other. . .
It’s really getting tougher
THESE DAYS
to figure things out
to know
WHAT TO DO
WHAT NOT TO DO
WHAT DIRECTION YOU SHOULD TAKE
WHAT WAY YOU SHOULD STAY CLEAR
K N O W I N G
What’s your
PURPOSE
MEANING
REASON
DESTINY
because sure enough
it’s not what it was
6 months
12 months
608 months ago. . .
RIGHT NOW
it just doesn’t feel like we’re pieces of a puzzle
or pieces of a puzzle out of the box
but more like pieces of a puzzle out of the box
WITH THE WRONG PICTURE
to work from
as we attempt to put it
all back together again
when it feels like
there’s no
TOGETHER
and no
A G A I N. . .
which means
it just might be time
to not so much shuffle the cards
but get a brand new
D E C K
I recently read an article BY JILL SUTTIE, a frequent contributor to Greater Good Magazine that kind of suggested why have a card
(even an ace in the hole)
when you can work with a brand new deck. . .
It’s been too long that we’ve forgone all of the
c r a y o n s
in the box
when it’s obvious that we just don’t need
the color
but also all of the nuances. . .
We all know folks who seem to have a deep sense of purpose. Whether working for racial justice, teaching children to read, making inspiring art, or collecting donations of masks and face shields for hospitals during the pandemic, they’ve found ways to blend their passion, talents, and care for the world in a way that infuses their lives with meaning.
Maybe it’s time we’ve stopped using a Compass
as a Clock. . .
Having a purpose in life is associated with all kinds of benefits. Research suggests that purpose is tied to having better health, longevity, and even economic success. It feels good to have a sense of purpose, knowing that you are using your skills to help others in a way that matters to you.
But how do you go about finding your purpose if it’s not obvious to you? Is it something you develop naturally over the course of a lifetime? Or are there steps you can take to encourage more purpose in your life? Are they NEVER changing or ALWAYS changing. . . ?
Likely both, says Kendall Bronk, a researcher who directs the Adolescent Moral Development Lab at Claremont Graduate University. People can find a sense of purpose organically—or through deliberate exercises and self-reflection. Sometimes, just having someone talk to you about what matters to you makes you think more intentionally about your life and your purpose, says Bronk.
In her work with adolescents, she’s found that some teens find purpose after experiencing hardship. Maybe a kid who has experienced racism decides to become a civil rights advocate. Or one who’s suffered severe illness decides to study medicine. Of course, experiences like poverty and illness are extremely hard to overcome without help from others. But Bronk’s research suggests that having a supportive social network—caring family members, like-minded friends, or mentors, for example—helps youth to reframe hardship as a challenge they can play a role in changing for the better. That might be true of adults, too.
While hardship can lead to purpose, most people probably find purpose in a more meandering way, says Bronk—through a combination of education, experience, and self-reflection, often helped along by encouragement from others. But finding your purpose can be jump-started, too, given the right tools. She and her colleagues have found that exercises aimed at uncovering your values, interests, and skills, as well as practicing positive emotions like gratitude, can help point you toward your purpose in life.
Here are some of her recommendations based on her research on purpose.
Purpose is all about applying your skills toward contributing to the greater good in a way that matters to you. So, identifying what you care about is an important first step.
In Greater Good’s Purpose Challenge, designed by Bronk and her team, high school seniors were asked to think about the world around them—their homes, communities, the world at large—and visualize what they would do if they had a magic wand and could change anything they wanted to change (and why). Afterward, they could use that reflection to consider more concrete steps they might take to contribute toward moving the world a little closer to that ideal.
A similar process is recommended for older adults by Jim Emerman of Encore.org, an organization that helps seniors find new purpose in life. Instead of envisioning an ideal future world, though, he suggests posing three questions to yourself:
By reflecting on these questions, he says, older adults can brainstorm ideas for repurposing skills and pursuing interests developed over a lifetime toward helping the world.
Sometimes it can be hard to single out one or two things that matter most to you because your circle of care and concern is far-ranging. Understanding what you value most may help you narrow down your purpose in life to something manageable that also truly resonates with you.
There are several good values surveys to choose from, including these three recommended by PositivePsychology.com: the Valued Living Questionnaire, the Portrait Values Questionnaire, and the Personal Values Questionnaire. All have been used in research studies and may be helpful to those who feel overwhelmed by all they want to change.
Bronk found that helping people prioritize their values is useful for finding purpose. The survey used in Greater Good’s purpose challenge—where students were asked to look at common values and rank which were most important, least important, and in between—has been shown to be effective in helping people clarify their purpose.
Once you’re clearer on your deepest values, Bronk recommends asking yourself: What do these values say about you as a person? How do these values influence your daily life? How might they relate to what you want to do with the rest of your life? Doing this exercise can help you discover how you can put your values to use.
We all have strengths and skills that we’ve developed over our lifetimes, which help make up our unique personalities. Yet some of us may be unsure of what we have to offer.
If we need help, a survey like the VIA Character Strengths Survey can be useful in identifying our personal strengths and embracing them more fully. Then, you can take the results and think about how you can apply them toward something you really care about.
But it can also be helpful to ask others—teachers, friends, family, colleagues, mentors—for input. In the Purpose Challenge, students were asked to send emails to five people who knew them well and to pose questions like:
Adults can do this if they need feedback, too—either formally or informally in conversation with trusted others. People who know you well may be able to see things in you that you don’t recognize in yourself, which can point you in unexpected directions. On the other hand, there is no need to overly rely on that feedback if it doesn’t resonate. Getting input is useful if it clarifies your strengths—not if it’s way off base.
Finding purpose involves more than just self-reflection. According to Bronk, it’s also about trying out new things and seeing how those activities enable you to use your skills to make a meaningful difference in the world. Volunteering in a community organization focused on something of interest to you could provide you with some experience and do good at the same time.
Working with an organization serving others can put you in touch with people who share your passions and inspire you. In fact, it’s easier to find and sustain purpose with others’ support—and a do-gooder network can introduce you to opportunities and a community that shares your concern. Volunteering has the added benefit of improving our health and longevity, at least for some people.
However, not all volunteer activities will lead to a sense of purpose. “Sometimes volunteering can be deadening,” warns Stanford University researcher Anne Colby. “It needs to be engaging. You have to feel you’re accomplishing something.” When you find a good match for you, volunteering will likely “feel right” in some way—not draining, but invigorating.
This exercise if particularly useful in conjunction with the magic-wand exercise described above. In Greater Good’s Purpose Challenge, high school students were asked to imagine themselves at 40 years of age if everything had gone as well as it could have in their lives. Then, they answered questions, like:
The why part is particularly important, because purposes usually emerges from our reasons for caring, says Bronk.
Of course, those of us who are a bit older can still find these questions valuable. However, says Bronk, older folks may want to reflect back rather than look ahead. She suggests we think about what we’ve always wanted to do but maybe couldn’t because of other obligations (like raising kids or pursuing a career). There seems to be something about seeing what you truly want for yourself and the world that can help bring you closer to achieving it, perhaps by focusing your attention on the people and experiences you encounter that may help you get there.
To find purpose, it helps to foster positive emotions, like awe and gratitude. That’s because each of these emotions is tied to well-being, caring about others, and finding meaning in life, which all help us focus on how we can contribute to the world.
In her study with young adults, Bronk found that practicing gratitude was particularly helpful in pointing students toward purpose. Reflecting on the blessings of their lives often leads young people to “pay it forward” in some way, which is how gratitude can lead to purpose.
There are many ways to cultivate awe and gratitude. Awe can be inspired by seeing the beauty in nature or recalling an inspirational moment. Gratitude can be practiced by keeping a gratitude journal or writing a gratitude letter to someone who helped you in life. Whatever tools you use, developing gratitude and awe has the added benefit of being good for your emotional well-being, which can give you the energy and motivation you need to carry out your purposeful goals.
LOOK TO THE PEOPLE YOU ADMIRE
Sometimes the people we admire most in life give us a clue to how we might want to contribute to a better world ourselves. Reading about the work of civil rights leaders or climate activists can give us a moral uplift that can serve as motivation for working toward the greater good.
However, sometimes looking at these larger-than-life examples can be too intimidating, says Bronk. If so, you can look for everyday people who are doing good in smaller ways. Maybe you have a friend who volunteers to collect food for the homeless or a colleague whose work in promoting social justice inspires you.
You don’t need fame to fulfill your purpose in life. You just need to look to your inner compass—and start taking small steps in the direction that means the most to you. . .BEGINNING YESTERDAY
AND YOU. . .
MUST BECOME IT’S GREATEST
INFECTOR
(it’s the only thing that will literally give Purpose, PURPOSE)
Now
that’ll shuffle the deck
and complete the puzzle
all at the same time. . .
Have you ever needed something
And never knew it
Until you got it?
We both parked at the same time
We both got out of our cars at the same time
We both walked up towards the building at the same time
I hadn’t seen her in years
. . .I didn’t even know she still was with the agency
And THERE she was. . .
Tearful,
Heart-heavy-burdened down
Not just with her computer and nursing bag
Wheeling behind her
Tears
We stopped and hugged
Right there in a middle of
A M O M E N T
There she was
There I was
Unplanned
Unscripted
Yet perfectly scene’d
In a backdrop of a cloudy sky
That dropped over the Lake
B R U I S E D
B E A T EN
From a storm
Far away
And yet not quite here,
Y e t
And the Best news of all—
S H E L T E R
Secured
Safe
Comforting
Assuring
Was in place
And like most times—
Not just seen
Not just recognized
Not just experienced
Until the most absolute
m o m e n t
Looking back. . .
R e f l e c t I n g
(without a mirror)
I’m a little offended now
G a l l e d
That she felt/believed
I was actually there for her. . .
For her vulnerability
For her tears
For her undressed,
fully naked,
stripped down,
Exposed honesty
And truth. . .
Which SHOWED ME
What I so-
All-the-time-behind-the-curtain-triple-locked-door-of-my-heart
Never-always-so-guarded-very-afraid-FEAR-to-show
. . .W H O was there for W H O. . .
At this early
So very CHANCE
(NOT-AN-ACCIDENT)
Maybe-to-never-happen-again-ever-the-same-way-
M O M E N T ?
Me for her?
Her for me?
The simple answer is a resounding
Y E S
As we hugged
Right there
Right then
I realized that what’s Broken
Seldom is S H A T T E R E D. . .
That often
Maybe more usual than we notice
We get tired
We get disappointed
We’re disillusioned
That
Caring
Compassion
Loving
Giving
Sharing
Accepting
Forgiving
Will get you hurt
. . .hurt really bad
Make you wounded
Get you bloodied
E M P T I E D
D E P L E T E D
E X H A U S T E D
. . .it’s a paycheck
Not deposited
When needed/expected
An Emotional Withdrawal
That can only be replenished with:
G O F I G U R E :
Caring
Compassion
Loving
Giving
Sharing
Accepting
Forgiving
Hey. . .
Have you ever needed something
And never knew it until
You G O T I T ?
G E T I T
and oh my. . .
how the clouds part
Q U E S T I O N :
Would you describe yourself as a compassionate person?
Even if you don’t necessarily see yourself that way, I bet you’re compassionate at least some of the time (e.g. when you’re well rested and not in a hurry), or with certain people in your life (e.g. with your closest friends). Compassion can be thought of as a mental state or an orientation towards suffering (your own or others’) that includes these four components:
Contrary to what many may believe, compassion is considered to be like a muscle that, as any other, can be strengthened with relevant exercises—or can deteriorate and atrophy. In other words, your capacity for compassion can expand, if you choose.
You likely never learned in school that you can intentionally strengthen inner skills such as compassion. The good news is that there are specific habits that you can practice in order to begin honing your abilities to expand compassion for yourself and for others.
Preliminary research from a variety of randomized controlled trials suggests that compassion can, in fact, be enhanced through systematic training programs. For example, the eight-week compassion cultivation training (CCT) course that was developed by Thupten Jinpa, Ph.D. and colleagues at Stanford University’s Center for Compassion and Altruism Research and Education, suggests that adults can indeed improve compassion for themselves, and reduce fear of compassion for themselves and for others.
Your capacity for compassion can expand, if you choose. . .Even if you don’t or can’t take a research-validated training program, there are numerous ways to build your compassion muscle—many of which are described on Greater Good in Action (GGIA), the GGSC’s library of science-based practices. Some of these practices involve meditation, such as loving-kindness. Others are writing exercises, such as one that asks you to describe a time when you felt a strong bond with another person.
Many of the practices in both GGIA and the structured training programs range from 10-30 minutes in length. As with most exercises, the more you do them, the more you will likely reap the benefits. However, something is better than nothing. For example, if your physical exercise goal is to take 10,000 steps a day and you only take 3,000, that’s still better for your health than taking none.
Meditation is similar. . .not one of my favorites because of my MONKEY MIND but while the intention may be 20-30 minutes of daily compassion meditation, some practice is better than no practice—and you are maintaining your intention and routine, which will only increase the likelihood of your continuing this intention and routine the next day. Notice if this ‘all-or-nothing’ mentality with your compassion practice is hindering you and see if you can test the ‘something is better than nothing’ theory.
While there’s lots of research supporting those kinds of compassion-cultivating practices, there’s also a place for informal, moment-to-moment practices throughout the day.
For example, you could notice when compassion comes easily or spontaneously for you throughout the day (e.g. watching the evening news). You could notice when you resist acknowledging or being with suffering (your own or others’) throughout the day (e.g. when passing someone on the street who is asking for money or an extended family member who is challenging). Throughout the day, you could notice when you judge or minimize suffering (e.g. saying that it doesn’t count or is insignificant compared to someone else or something else going on in the world). We often notice suffering (our own and that of others) but quickly dismiss it and thus do not allow ourselves to be emotionally touched or moved by the suffering (the second component of compassion). This kind of awareness of the presence, or absence, of compassion can provide some valuable information to you.
Loving-kindness meditation is a practice for developing compassion for self and others.So, the next time you’re standing in line at the grocery store, instead of looking down at your phone or watching how quickly the surrounding lines are moving (I’m guilty of both), take a moment to consider the common humanity of the people who made your grocery trip possible—the people who grew the food, transported the food, and stocked the shelves, or even the cashier who is about to help you. Perhaps you could take a moment of appreciation for each of them.
If you choose, this could be an opportunity to acknowledge the interdependence that surrounds us. Our lives, even simple trips to the grocery store, are supported by countless others.
Renowned meditation teacher Jack Kornfield once wrote that setting one’s intention is like setting the compass for one’s heart. Our intention helps guide our efforts to be compassionate and helps remind us why we are choosing to set time aside for compassion-cultivating practices. When I teach compassion, I pose questions for my students, such as these:
While these are indeed ‘big’ questions, asking them allows us to ponder our intentions of why we are trying to strengthen our inner skill of compassion.
For a week, try setting an intention before you start your compassion meditation practice and notice whether this intention helps clarify your purpose. At times, this intention can come up again throughout the day as a means of renewing your commitment to practice compassion, even when you are living life ‘off the cushion.’
Setting an intention is like setting the compass for one’s heart.Research is probabilistic. Just because something works for most people (or people in research studies) does not mean that it will work for you. As I always tell folks in during my presentations, in order to get the most convincing data, “Be your own laboratory.”
Run a short experiment (e.g., a couple weeks or a couple months) and collect your own data. Do you feel more compassionate (towards yourself, loved ones, strangers, difficult people) when utilizing formal (e.g., sitting meditation) and informal (e.g., silently reciting loving-kindness phrases to yourself while waiting in line at Trader Joe’s) compassion practices?
Do you feel more compassionate when utilizing formal and informal compassion practices?Running this experiment does not require a workbook, purchasing a fancy meditation cushion, or buying trendy new yoga clothes. These practices, which are thousands of years old, can be done right in the comfort of your own home, at the office, in your car, or really anywhere, just as you are. Afterward, reflection can take many forms—and you should adopt one that works for you.
This may be the most easiest…TAKE A CLASS…or just go one on one with an instructor who can answer your questions or help troubleshoot and problem-solve with you and most importantly, an instructor will help you stick with and come back to this practice and help make it a habit, a lifestyle. . .
Many others are choosing to acknowledge suffering (their own and others’) and wish to see the relief of suffering. This notion can get lost at times when doing these practices in solitude.
If you don’t have the time or money for a class, don’t despair. You might find support at a religious community or center in your area, if you have one. If you don’t, enlist a friend or relative to support your effort to make compassion more of a habit—someone who can encourage and remind you to stay on track and help you (non-judgmentally) troubleshoot the times when you just don’t feel very compassionate in the midst of suffering.
There are lots of good reasons why sometimes we intend to do compassion meditation practices, and yet, for whatever reason, we drop the ball. Often, what people do when this happens is engage in ‘negative self-talk’ by implicitly or explicitly saying things to themselves, such as “I never stick with anything”; “I’m a failure”; or “I can’t do this.” Interestingly, there’s no empirical evidence to suggest that beating ourselves up will actually help us change our behavior; in fact, some data suggests that this type of criticism can move us away from our goals, rather than towards them.
Get support from a group, family member or friend to make compassion more of a habit.Additionally, one of the interesting opportunities that arises when we do not do our compassion meditation practices is to see if, in that moment, we can practice compassion for ourselves. Compassion for missing the compassion practice is essentially one of the ‘tests’ of our practice. When we’re tempted to be harsh, critical, and judgmental with ourselves, can we instead choose to have compassion: acknowledging our suffering, noting how this makes us human and that we are not alone, and trying to be gentle or kind with ourselves (or at least refrain from beating ourselves up—’if you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all’)?
Often the story that gets told about meditation is that it will be ‘relaxing,’ ‘stress-relieving,’ and ‘blissful.’ While all of these experiences are possible, for many people the experience with meditation or compassion practices is the exact opposite of peaceful, relaxing, and positive. For some, depending on the practice, just focusing on one’s breath can bring about extreme anxiety or worry thoughts, bringing to mind a loved one can bring about grief and loss, imagining oneself as a young child can bring about sadness or pain, considering the suffering of all beings may bring about guilt or overwhelm.
It is important to notice whether we are bringing any expectations to the compassion practice. Often people will say that the compassion practices are not ‘working.’ When we investigate what they mean by this, they are often referring to the experience of not feeling relaxed after the meditation. While relaxation and stress relief can be the goal of some meditations, in general this is not the case with compassion meditation. Compassion is ultimately about suffering, which can at times feel difficult to sit with.
Compassion is ultimately about suffering, which can be uncomfortable.Finally, people often bring the expectation that because a compassion practice generated a certain feeling or experience before (e.g., yesterday or last week), it ‘should’ or will generate a similar feeling or experience today. FACT: reality is constantly changing (time is passing and the Earth is rotating as you read this), and thus it is a bit of a fallacy to expect that we, and the practice, will be the same day in and day out. Because the practice is different every day, we have something ‘new’ to reflect on after each practice.
It may simply be the case that the activities aren’t right for you. If loving-kindness doesn’t seem to be increasing your compassion, try something else, like writing about a time when you felt like someone showed compassion toward you, or a time when you felt spontaneous compassion for another. It is important to be open to another possibility: perhaps compassion practices aren’t what you need right now. The good news is that there are many varieties of different contemplative practices available that can help you to become more present and non-judgmental.
Establishing new habits takes time. Be patient and keep trying. One day, you might find yourself more open to suffering—and more capable of addressing it—than you’ve ever been before. . .
PRETTY HEADY STUFF. . . ?
Here’s the Skinny:
We are all
C O M P A S S I O N A T E B E I N G S
who can grow into greater
C O M P A S S I O N A T E B E I N G S
(much easier than you’d think)
Want the ultimate bare bones version:
Questions, Class?
