The Caring Catalyst

Who Cares - What Matters

TOUCHING ART

By Leave a Comment

https://youtu.be/D6WYes7Or-E
Please Touch the Art
 
This compelling video tells the story of an artist, Andrew Myers, who is so moved by a blind man’s joy at “feeling” three dimensional art that he is inspired to create three dimensional portraits to be experienced by people who are blind or visually impaired. Why is touching artwork so taboo? According to the producers of the film, “Prior to the mid-1800s, tactile interaction was commonplace for visitors experiencing collections of art, but as museums of art evolved, rules forbidding touch became the norm.” In this film, Myers surprises George Wurtzel, a blind artisan working in wood, with a portrait. Wurtzel delights in sharing his portrait with his visually impaired students at Enchanted Hills Camp as he teaches them by example how to work as a blind artisan. Wurtzel’s philosophy that “your life is what you decide it will be” permeates the film.

It is such a simple simple question with such a profound and almost on answerable reply:  
WHAT MAKES YOUR LIFE MEANINGFUL?

Is your life ultimately what you decide you want to make it to be or what OTHERS decide they’d like to make you be?

We are all severely handicapped 

We are blind
We are deaf
We are mute
And because of THAT
Know a darkness;
Know a stillness;
Know an utterlessness
that can’t be described only experienced
And sadly, often is
And even more sadly,
Often
NEVER HAS TO BE

And The cure is when we remedy that
first of all and ourselves
we also heal it for others. . .

Test THAT

GO AHEAD

TOUCH
TASTE
SEE
HEAR
SMELL
S E N S E
beyond what
Fingers
Eyes
Noses
Mouths
Ears
can ever achieve and the
Go full on artist
Be artisan enough
To share THAT with OTHERS
So that you become the
a r t
And not just simply the artist….

TOUGH COMPASSION

By Leave a Comment

I’ve never been a big fan of
TOUGH LOVE
mostly because I
SUCK LIKE A STRAW
at showing/doing
TOUGH LOVE
so when I heard about
TOUGH COMPASSION
well. . .

What Does “Tough Compassion” Look Like in Real Life?

Tough compassion means speaking up, setting boundaries, and making uncomfortable choices for the greater good.

ELIZABETH SVOBODA, is a writer in San Jose, CA, and a regular contributor to Greater Good. She is the author of What Makes a Hero?: The Surprising Science of Selflessness. Her newest book, for kids, is The Life Heroic. And she took a TOUGH Look at TOUGH COMPASSION

On a podcast episode, psychologist and GGSC founding director Dacher Keltner described the idea, explaining how some contemplatives practice a form of kindness with a decided edge. 

“In the deeper traditions of compassion, like a lot of the Buddhist traditions, they have an idea of tough compassion—to step in and, in a good way, guide the person to a different form of behavior or out,” said Keltner.

The concept seems so at odds with the way most Americans, especially women, are socialized to think about compassion. The compassion-centered lifestyle sketched in breezy Insta posts involves attending idyllic retreats and practicing meditation. If compassion were a Pantone Color of the Year, it would be whispery rose quartz.    

In short, our culture presents a clear picture of what compassion is supposed to look like. And giving someone else an honest piece of our minds isn’t it.

It might be time to paint a new picture of compassion. When it comes to reducing suffering in the world, an uncompromising approach to compassion often trumps a pastel-hued one—and it’s an approach you can try when other attempts to engage with difficult people fail. 

“The Dalai Lama always had this greater good analysis,” Keltner later told me. “Like, ‘What does it bring about? Is being hard in the moment going to bring about greater well-being or kindness for a lot of people?’”

The case for tough compassion

Tough compassion is gaining traction because the rose-quartz version is proving so unequal to the present moment, which has been defined by human failures to meet challenges posed by the pandemic, widespread inequality, and climate change. 

Of course, there will always be a “soft” side to compassion. It’s always crucial to learn how to be a calm sounding board or comfort grieving loved ones. But warm and fuzzy compassion has little power to sway relatives who spout conspiracies, stop close friends from radicalizing online, or embarrass leaders who tout equality while harvesting the fruits of privilege.

In the Buddhist contemplative tradition, the goal of true compassion is to find ways to promote the least suffering for everyone. In this broader framing, nodding along with someone’s bigotry, bullying, or falsehoods for the sake of preserving that relationship is the opposite of compassion. It interferes with peace-building on a societal level, even though it might seem on the surface like a nonviolent act. 

If you’re a parent, you probably practice small-scale tough compassion on a daily basis, vetoing pre-dinner snacks or enforcing homework time before kids go out. Larger-scale tough compassion flows from a similar source: the willingness to bear—and even inflict—some discomfort in the moment to promote longer-term well-being. 

“You have this sense, and you’re in the position to assume, that this is a struggle they have to face,” Keltner says. “It’s good for them.”

The Dalai Lama has spoken of the importance of this kind of tough love. It means that if your aunt makes an offhand racist remark, or your work buddy insults a colleague, tough compassion involves speaking up—without rancor, but with conviction—if your goal is to promote less suffering for all. 

“By withdrawing from the conversation, you don’t force the other person to really have to encounter a different set of values,” says Medical College of Wisconsin psychologist Zeno Franco, whose research focuses on community engagement.

In committing to tough compassion, you buy into a certain kind of risk-benefit calculus. You accept the discomfort involved in hopes that the other person will consider a different way of engaging, one that will carry over into her interactions with others, and perhaps even their interactions with those close to them.

“Our actions implicate a lot of people,” Keltner says. “You’ve got to step back and think about all the utilities and consequences downstream.”

Tough compassion in practice 

It’s one thing to endorse the tough-compassion approach and quite another to try to make it work. What does it actually look like to show uncompromising compassion in the moment? And when someone in your life does something that’s actively harmful, what’s the best way to guide them without outright coercing or controlling?

In Franco’s view, tough compassion involves conveying that you value someone as a person while disagreeing openly with what they are doing. 

When he calls loved ones out for hateful or harmful behavior, he’s not shy about saying what he thinks. But at the same time, “I try to remain accessible as a human being who can be vulnerable, who can be hurt, and who can appreciate the person,” he says. “Part of that is thinking about how to respond in a way that is not designed to escalate, but almost to reach past the ‘facts’ or points that they are making to where what they are saying impacts me at an emotional level.”

A powerful way to convey this emotional impact is through storytelling, says Juliana Tafur, a filmmaker and founder of the Listen Courageously project. If you want to hold a relative accountable for homophobic remarks, for instance, you can describe the effects of that kind of behavior on people close to you: “My good friend is gay, and she hears insults like that all the time. She’s also been attacked in public. Because of that, it’s hard for her to trust that people are going to respect her as a human being.”

With storytelling, you can take a tough stance and show the other person the results of their actions without launching a direct attack. When you do this, “you’re really communicating—in a way that is enveloped in compassion—your fundamental boundaries, what you can and cannot accept, and inviting the other person into that conversation,” says Tania Diaz, a psychologist at Albizu University. Studies show that this story-based approach can create significant change in people’s worldviews.

Even when you know you’ll create more lasting change through dialogue than exclusion, you may have to push past significant inner resistance to engage in these conversations. Showing any kind of compassion—even tough compassion—to a person who behaves harmfully can feel like a form of surrender, or like tacit acceptance of their behavior.

But from the broader perspective of reducing suffering, what might seem like fraternizing with the enemy can be a potent way to guide someone on to a less toxic path. 

“A lot of people have this misunderstanding that, if I engage or listen, I am somehow going to be tainted, or I’m going to be influenced,” Diaz says. When she facilitates these conversations, she’s found that quite the opposite is true. “When you listen, truly understand, and get curious, it creates space for the person to think a little bit differently.”

To avoid shaming the other person into submission—a tactic studies show can backfire by making people withdraw from the situation—you can go on to explain how a change of course would be a win-win scenario, for the other person as well as for the world at large. 

“I show them what life might be like after they change and explain the positives,” says Dian Grier, a licensed clinical social worker in Mojave, California. That might mean pointing out that your homophobic relative will have a much better relationship with gay nieces and nephews if he chooses to engage with them differently. 

Holding fast

Perhaps the biggest challenge of practicing tough compassion is staying internally grounded while emotional storms rage. When you take a stand, other people may fire back with remarks that send your heart hammering. If you’re not prepared, that physical reaction can propel you straight into a “lizard brain,” fear-based mindset where you’re more likely to fall back on old, reactive rules of engagement.

Tough compassion, by contrast, is like an anchor pole that holds fast no matter how hard the rope tugs on it. “In those moments, I’m trying to be fully present and yet no longer upset,” Franco says. “The intent of every word is thought through to take the argument almost to a different place.”

To hone this kind of in-the-moment composure, it can help to write down some thoughts beforehand about what you want to say to someone or the kind of stories you want to tell. Then, once you’re up for it, schedule a real-life conversation or Zoom. This face-to-face connection often feels more humanizing than a long text thread, and deciding where and when it happens can help you feel more in control of the process.

But while tough-compassion conversations can be fertile ground for shifting others’ perspectives, your own well-being should always remain front and center. To steer clear of potentially traumatic encounters, “you need to know if the other person is in a position to be willing and able to engage in that conversation with you,” Tafur says. “And I think you’ll know that right off the bat.” 

If someone ridicules your attempts at dialogue or continues to sling insults, “the tough-compassion act is to leave or disengage,” Keltner says. Exiting from a harmful situation can be its own form of uncompromising truth-telling.

In line with the Buddhist teaching of dropping attachment to results, the tough-compassion approach is simultaneously about holding fast and letting go. At its core, tough compassion is about “creating space for dialogue to unfold,” Diaz says. “Ultimately, that person decides if they’re going to shift.”

hands heart love
Photo by ATC Comm Photo on Pexels.com

So. . .
are you a
TOUGH COMPASSION
Champion. . .
For the Good of ALL
it’s not just a mere Question
anymore
. . .it’s desperately in need of an
A N S W E R

TUDE IT UP

By Leave a Comment

It’s more than a turkey dinner and a huge slice of pumpkin pie on the last Thursday of November
T H A N K S G I V I N G
It’s more than the words
GRATIS and GRATONITE
between the word
G R A T I T U D E
in the Dictionary. . .
it’s the TUDE of all TUDES

Can Gratitude Help You Live More Sustainably
makes it all the more
T U D I E R

A new study suggests that when people give thanks, they’re less likely to overdraw from shared resources.

 ELIZABETH SVOBODA, is a writer in San Jose, CA and regular contributor to the GREATER GOOD MAGAZINE and the author of WHAT MAKES A HERO? THE SURPRISING SCIENCE OF SELFLESSNESS, pulls back the curtain of GRATITUDE and lets us know that it’s much more than a word or a feeling. . .

Among the first visual symbols of the COVID-19 pandemic were grocery store shelves picked clean by shoppers hoarding pasta and toilet paper. The bare shelves revealed a deeply ingrained human tendency—to grasp for all that’s left when supplies run low. 

As climate change puts a strain on crop yields and drinking water stores, these kinds of feeding frenzies could become the new normal. But they’re not inevitable: New research from Northeastern University suggests that when people feel grateful for what they have, they’re less likely to overdraw from a shrinking pool of resources. The study “provides initial evidence that gratitude is useful in nudging sustainable behavior,” says graduate student Shanyu Kates, the paper’s first author. 

Kates’s findings suggest that practicing gratitude could curb our collective tendency to take more than our share, says psychologist Scott Allison of the University of Richmond. 

“Gratitude led to less greedy and more generous choices,” says Allison, who was not involved in the research. “What’s really impressive is how the investigators were able to demonstrate that it was gratitude itself, not the happiness that results from gratitude, which produces more prosocial [kind and helpful] behavior.”

A depleted commons

Sustainable-living promoters tend to run up against what ecologist Garrett Hardin called the “tragedy of the commons”: People hoard resources to ensure they can meet their own needs, but the resulting scarcity takes a toll on everyone’s well-being. (TOILET PAPER, ANYONE)

Kates and her advisor, Northeastern social psychologist David DeSteno, wanted to explore possible ways to forestall this kind of tragedy. In one study, they recruited 155 undergraduate students and induced gratitude in one group by having them write about a time when they felt grateful. The remaining control-group students wrote about events from a typical day. 

After this writing exercise, all the participants took part in a game where they decided how many resource points to extract from a collective bank. The game started with a common pool of 200 points. “For each round of the game, we tell them, ‘You can take out a certain amount of points—between zero and 10—and whatever is taken out goes to you,’” Kates says.

To make sure people valued the points, experimenters told the students that the more points they extracted, the more likely they were to win a $200 cash prize. Throughout the game, participants could see how many points other players had taken and how many points were left. After each round was played, the researchers boosted the point bank by 10% to mimic the regeneration of real-life resources. 

When Kates and DeSteno tallied the results, a significant difference emerged between the gratitude group and the control group. Control participants took significantly more points from the pool when they saw it draining rapidly. Grateful participants, however, took about the same number of points no matter how quickly the pool was shrinking.

In a second, related study, Kates and DeSteno divided 224 participants into three groups. One wrote about gratitude and another about a happy time in their lives. The control group wrote about their daily routine. 

Just as in the first study, the gratitude group refrained from overdrawing resources in the game even when they were draining quickly. Feeling happy, however, didn’t inspire people to show the same kind of restraint. 

“If you’re in a neutral or a happy state, you increase your point taking when the pool is depleting,” Kates says. “But for gratitude, this effect becomes erased. It doesn’t matter if others around you are over-taking and the pool is depleting—you won’t over-take [from the pool] yourself.”

The sustaining power of gratitude

Kates and DeSteno’s study didn’t specifically address why grateful people may be more apt to behave sustainably than those who simply feel good. But past research, Kates points out, suggests that happiness sometimes drives us to become more self-centered as we seek out situations that promise even more happiness. 

“When you’re feeling happy, you might not want to sacrifice by taking less and conserving for the group,” Kates says. Picture a rat at a sugar-water dispenser—once it’s had a taste of uncomplicated sweetness, it returns to that same dispenser over and over. 

Gratitude, on the other hand, has promoted both well-being and social awareness in multiple experiments. In a University of California–Riverside study where high school students spent 10 minutes a week writing letters of gratitude to friends, coaches, and other influential people, they reported feeling more satisfied with their lives and more connected to others around them than members of a control group. 

That sense of connectedness could help inspire generous or sustainable action. In a meta-analysis reviewing 91 studies, researchers at the U.K.’s University of Nottingham found a strong relationship between gratitude and prosocial behavior of different kinds. 

“Sustainability really requires action for future benefit as well as collective benefit,” Kates says. “Gratitude promotes these dimensions—it makes us behave more prosocially, and it makes us more cooperative with others.”

Something akin to the reciprocity principle may also be at work: When someone gives something to you, you naturally feel compelled to give something back. In the same way, when people feel grateful for good fortune or for contributions others have made to their lives, they may be more likely to take a “pay it forward” approach and look for ways to contribute to the common good. 

Future interventions

The observed connection between gratitude and sustainable behavior means that gratitude exercises could potentially help keep the planet livable over the long term. “If we are fortunate enough to live in a part of the world that offers us clean, drinkable water, let’s be grateful each time we use it,” Allison says. “With the desertification of the western U.S., this simple practice of gratitude on a mass level may forestall disaster.”

However, Kates says, more research needs to be done to clarify which aspects of gratitude might promote sustainable behavior and why. She is planning a new study that examines how individual players’ behavior during the resource game affects the behavior of others around them. “Does a group of grateful people fare better in the game than those where none of them are grateful? And what happens if only one person in the group is feeling grateful? Is that enough to shift others’ behaviors?”

If grateful people turn out to set a behavioral lead for others to follow, a group might ultimately reach a sustainable “immunity threshold,” so to speak: a new social norm that encourages judicious resource use even in members who aren’t naturally inclined to care about such things.

“It’s promising to think about and measure how cultivating long-term gratitude through daily practice may be useful in this battle against climate change,” Kates says, “and be able to be the tipping point for large-scale behavioral changes.”

It’s the TUDE of all TUDE’s
. . .unless it’s not;
The Difference?
Y O U

Uhhhhhhh, Now for that piece of Pie. . .

LIFE ITSELF

By Leave a Comment

https://youtu.be/VsjkWMBWpEo

It’s the last scene from the movie and it’s packed with wisdom, emotion and lots of life lessons
. . .ALL WHICH MEAN NOTHING
unless they are not so much
SEEN
HEARD
or even EXPERIENCED
so much as intimately and intentionally
A P P L I E D
(c o n t i n u o u s l y)
The quick synopsis
will tell you the
movie is about
College sweethearts Will and Abby who fall in love, get married and prepare to bring their first child into the world. As their story unfolds in New York, fate links them to a group of people in Seville, Spain, including a troubled young woman, a man and his granddaughter, a wealthy landowner and a plantation manager.
and yes,
EVEN US. . .
It’s more than about
Love and Loss
Grief
Relationships
Winning and Losing
Coming’s and Going’s
so much as how
we are more
i n t e r c o n n e c t e d
than we
realize
recognize
acknowledge
but ever proving
IT’S NOT SO MUCH AS SMALL WORLD
AS A BIG LIVING ROOM
and my thread
or your thread
are a part of the of the a
T A P E S T R Y
we each belong. . .
WE ARE CHAPTERS
in the Book
that just doesn’t merely tell our Story
but allows it to be experienced
by those
not yet here
sharing that
LIFE ITSELF
is the only
ALL
there is and ever
will be. . .

FEELING THROUGH

By Leave a Comment

I know. . .I KNOW
this 18 minute + movie is much longer than
most Monday Morning
THE CARING CATALYST
BLog Posts
B U T
Writer-director Doug Roland’s Oscar-nominated short drama — executive produced by Marlee Matlin and in partnership with Helen Keller Services — is a deceptively simple narrative that takes place over one evening between two characters. But this chance encounter — captured with visual storytelling that’s both natural, unforced and still deftly crafted — uncovers riches of empathy, along with a profound revelation about how people can offer fellowship, help and care to one another, even in the simplest of ways. . .
Openhearted and authentic, “Feeling Through” was inspired by the director’s encounter with a deaf-blind man, which likely inspires the deep sense of tribute and affection that imbues the storytelling with its warmth and sympathy. In a world and time in history more isolated than ever, this heartfelt short has an unexpected resonance, reminding us of a simple yet profound truth that we sometimes are in danger of forgetting. We are here to help and hear one another, to feel more and see beyond ourselves. In doing so, we enlarge the scope of our lives, widen our horizons and expand our hearts. . .
IT
rips down the not-so-tattered veil
of an old definition
and gives us a different meaning:

Psssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssst:
It really doesn’t matter
any more
WHO WE ARE
. . .It’s ALL about
making a Connection
that You
and any
A N Y
O T H E R
can make. . .
IF THESE PAST THIRTEEN MONTHS
haven’t taught us nothing else
isn’ it that
WE ARE NOT ALONE IN THIS WORLD
and
EVERYBODY NEEDS EACH OTHER
because there’s something raw in each of us
that needs
FEELING THROUGH

Better than JUST A Cookie

By Leave a Comment

When is a chocolate chip cookie more than a cookie or better yet when is a chocolate chip cookie not one?

Like a lot of funerals that I have done, I never had a chance to meet Margaret; I didn’t know her. I never shook her hand, heard the sound of her voice or listened to stories she could’ve shared about her family and friends. But one of the things that her family shared about her was the love that she had for all of them and she showed it most of the time in her cooking and especially in her baking. A lot of times, her baking was literally for JUST BECAUSE reasons without a birthday or an anniversary or some special occasion. Margaret would just make cookies and and then made sure they were delivered. She could never do them anonymously because her’s tasted better than any other cookie than any other family member could make or share. It was one of the things that family member after family member talked about doing her celebration of life services.

A chocolate chip cookie is at its best when it ISN’T. A few weeks after the celebration of her life I was asked if I could conduct her graveside services after she had been cremated and out-of-town family could  attend. Even though it was early April it felt like mid summer at 82° on a Saturday afternoon. 

I’ve conducted a lot of graveside services where people will pull out the Jack Daniels or the Jagermeister do to a final shot and they’ll toast or light up to celebrate the person and their memory. Uhhhhh, not Margaret’s family, No, they broke open up case of her chocolate chip cookies that had been frozen and now baked by family. After we talked about how her life continues to be celebrated and goes on in each and everyone of them, they took to heart most awesomely what I told him the few weeks prior: “Take Margaret’s best and make it a part of yourself because just by doing that one thing, Margaret not only remains with them, but they instantly become a much better person.

So, in good Margaret fashion, they passed out cookies and made sure that I actually got a carton of them to take on my way. 

When does a chocolate chip cookie not become a chocolate chip cookie?  When love takes a memory and bakes it; and then even more powerfully and intentionally when love takes that very memory and not only bakes it, but shares it. It simultaneously  brought an Ohhhhhhhhh to a Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

There are just some things mouths can’t taste but only experience. This batch of chocolate chip cookies did both. 

The best chocolate chip cookie isn’t made or baked or even eaten; it’s the one that’s shared; and with that one act of love~~it’s the one that’s experienced and not merely digested.

DESIDERATA

By Leave a Comment

DESIDERATA
. . .Latin for
THINGS TO BE DESIRED
is a 1920’s Max Ehrmann poem
brought back to Life
and Music in 1971
by Les Crane
and even though the
poem is over 101 years old
and the song is 50 years old
it could have not be more
r e l e v a n t
today than when it was first written
or brought to music
because
NOW
as
THEN
and most likely
FOREVER
we constantly need reminding
You matter.
You’re important.
You’re loved.
Your presence on this earth
at this very moment
makes a difference
whether you see it or not.
A N D
so does every single person
you know
or meet
hate
or love
. . .THE BIG QUESTION
“When are you going to act like it?”
isn’t as important as the
GREATER ANSWER
the World is desperately waiting to
E X P E R I E N C E. . .

YOU ARE A CHILD OF THE UNIVERSE
NO LESS THAN THE TREES OR STARS
YOU HAVE A RIGHT TO BE HERE
(and so does everyone else)

the next time 
you refuse to sing
because you’ll never 
fill a stadium
or decline the joy of dance
for fear of looking
ridiculous
or you resist risking
the new adventure
because you’re 
not entirely ready or
you dim your shine
because you’re not
completely healed and whole

the next time
you hold yourself suspect 
because you’re not
entirely qualified

just remember

a bird doesn’t sing 
because it’s talented
a bird sings because 
it has a song

the moon doesn’t only shine
when it’s whole
it can show up with 
a single sliver of itself
and still light an entire
night sky

show up. sing. shine.
the world needs you
as you are.

© Angi Sullins – www.AngiSullins.com

(Thank you, Lynne Maragliano)

YOU, The Village

By Leave a Comment

OVER ONE YEAR LATER
. . .We are literally living in some severely surreal times. . .
STILL
well past 365 days later
The World just doesn’t merely seem to be rocked on it’s axis
or upside down
But actually less Round than we previously thought. . .
and whatever it was we thought we knew
almost seems
myth-like
to what we’re feeling. . .
L I K E :
IT
TAKES
A VILLAGE
and not that it’s just a nice cliche
IT HAS NEW MEANING

We have all heard it said it takes a village to raise a child. . .
but what about an ADULT?
What’s it take to not so much raise but
CARE FOR
AN ADULT. . . ?
Because of our continuing
MASKING
PHYSICAL DISTANCING
HAND SCRUBBING
VACINNATING
We’ve never been less of a Village
than right now,
AND THEN AGAIN. . .
never more than
A Village
OF ONE
than NOW. . .
Who could have ever imagined,
even with all of our safety measures
that one person could be a Village. . .
that YOU are a Village?  
It is true isn’t it. . .
Y O U
 The Village
. . .How is that even possible?  
Because now more than ever you are re-defining
overcoming the myth
you have lived with all of your life
The fib that’s been told to us
ever since we were very
very small
the lie that might’ve been the first lie
we ever heard:
That you have a purpose
That you have a reason
That you have a destiny
That you have a meaning. . .
T O D A Y
especially today
with what’s going on all around us
all that’s grumbling loudly within us
where our World feels like it has been
rolled down a steep hill
heading quickly for a cliff
of a dark unknown return
stumbling and rumbling out of place;
B U T
now more than
our ever
we are eerily discovering
that we were born for
THIS TIME
in THIS PLACE
for THIS MOMENT
THIS NOW. . .
And it’s not to be
For a Purpose
For a Meaning
For a Reason
For a Destiny. . .
It’s truly to be
A Village
YOU,
The Village
. . .because now more than ever
we have never been more
P L U R A L
than Who we are in right now.  . .

Now more than ever
Y O U
are not just a Person
A Woman
A Mom
A Man
A Dad
A Partner
A Significant Other
A Uncle
A Aunt
A Grandfather
A Grandmother

You’re not just what your vocation says you are
you are all of those roles
all of those characters
wrapped up in one. . .
You are a walking
You are a talking
You are a living
You are a giving
V I L L A G E
YOU,
The Village

Now the most ultimate question of all
. . .especially for this new
N O W
is just what kind of a
Village are you. . . ?

Can you even be found on a map
Seen from a Satellite from way above;
Are you inclusive
Are you exclusive
Do you draw circles and include everybody
or are you a line drawer in the sand
that points as it emphasizes
you
You
and YOU
are IN
and
You
You
and most especially
Y O U
are out?

YOU,
The Village
are living in an age where the temporary feels like the permanent
but it most assuredly isn’t. . .
The new
NEW
is born in you
not just once
or once in a while
or even once a day
but every single moment. . .
And now
N O W
proves to us that it always has been this way
but never as magnified
as it is at this very
I N S T A N T

We have long heard the question
that determines whether or not we are
Optimists or Pessimists :
Is the glass half full or half empty?
N O W
Maybe another way to ask this question
Is this
NOW
Happening to us
or
HAPPENING
For Us.  . .
It’s no longer
WHAT FILLS YOUR GLASS
b u t
WHAT EMPTY’S IT
(or WHO). . . ?

It’s not really a question to answer with your mouth
but your Actions;
so how live you. . .
not what say YOU
 HOW LIVE YOU

YOU ARE A VILLAGE

To know it is one thing.
To be it is another.  
But this
N O W
means to share it
is
the ultimate thing


. . .and then never let the
l o v i n g
stop from overflowing
from one
to another
until this
S E T T L E M E N T
becomes
YOU-NIVERASL


MUCH More Than A FEEL

By 2 Comments

S O M E
say it’s been the worst thing about the
P A N D E M I C
a
simple
touch. . .

Humans
U S
W E
are made to be touched — so what happens when we aren’t?

 Mary Halton most recently shared some of her FEELINGS
and thoughts about this very thing
and it’s anything but
S h O c K i N g

Nadine Redlich

Our bodies are designed to respond to touch, and not just to sense the environment around us. We actually have a network of dedicated nerve fibers in our skin that detect and emotionally respond to the touch of another person — affirming our relationships, our social connections and even our sense of self.

So, what happens when we don’t receive that?

This was one of the first questions that neuroscientist Helena Wasling PhD considered when social distancing restrictions were introduced to curb the spread of COVID-19. Based at the University of Gothenburg, Sweden, she has studied these nerves — known as C tactile or CT afferents — and their importance to our emotions for over a decade.

“What struck me very early on, in the first week of being told that we were restricted from touch,  was that people no longer knew how to behave,” she says.

Even if you don’t consider yourself to be a tactile person, touch is — or was — embedded in the social structure of our lives. From meeting a new colleague and evaluating their handshake to giving a friend a long hug when we haven’t seen them in a while, it is one of the fundamental ways we have all learned to relate to one another. “To take it away is a very big intervention,” says Wasling.

New York based psychologist Guy Winch PhD agrees; “Touch is something we associate with emotional closeness, and we associate the absence of it with emotional distance. We may not fully appreciate it, but in pre-pandemic life there were literally dozens of small moments of touch throughout the day.”

This is significant not just in the landscape of our minds, but that of our bodies. Being emotionally and socially responsive to touch is so biologically fundamental to us that CT afferents are present over almost every inch of our skin, absent only from the palms of our hands and the soles of our feet.

These nerves are, Wasling explains in her TEDxGöteborg talk, particularly attuned to three things: a light touch, gently moving, and around 32 degrees Celsius (89F). Which just happens to be human skin temperature. So they are programmed to be most responsive to a gentle caress from another person.

Rather than simply telling our brains that this touch has happened — this is the role of other receptors in the skin that help the primary somatosensory cortex to processes physical sensations — CT afferents instead send signals to the insular cortex. “This is a deeper part of the cortex that deals more with your emotional equilibrium,” explains Wasling. “So you will get kind of a vague sensation. In the best of cases, it will be: ‘That was nice. I’m accepted. I feel safer now. Someone is counting on me.’ CT afferents also have pathways to parts of the brain that deal with who you are socially.”

For people who have now been living without that connection for a long time, it can be incredibly difficult, says Winch. “I have friends and patients that I work with who have not been touched in a year. At all. Not a handshake. And they are really suffering for it. There’s something that feels very distancing and cold about not having any kind of option for an embrace, and that can leave long lasting scars.”

Hugs, the form of touch we probably all miss the most, are particularly important and emotionally nourishing, says Winch. “When someone’s crying and we hold them, we’re doing it to comfort, but what it allows them to do is cry more. People usually will hold it together until somebody puts an arm around them, and then they’ll break down because that hug represents security and safety, and because of the closeness we feel when we know and trust that person.”

Moreover, the benefits of touch that we are missing out on are not just emotional and social but also physical; it can reduce pain and stress, as well as giving us a general feeling of wellbeing. These are the areas, says Wasling, where we may be able to support ourselves when we need to go for prolonged periods without social touch.

Here are some of the ways that we can ease the difficulty of living without this closeness — both for ourselves, and the people in our lives.

Take a shower or have a warm bath

Although it doesn’t elicit quite the same physiological response as interpersonal touch, Wasling says the slow movement of the water on your skin is likely to generate a CT afferent response. Having a warm bath also relaxes your muscles, which can help to alleviate tension.

Cuddle a pet, or ask to walk someone else’s

“Just being close to a furry animal has been shown to lower your stress, reduce your heart rate and your blood pressure,” says Wasling. You also have a social relationship with your pet — they rely on you and need you to show up for them.

There’s been a noted increase in people adopting pets during the pandemic, and at least one study has identified the potential therapeutic benefits of human-animal relationships when we are denied our normal level of human social interaction.

If you are able to see anyone in person, be wholly present — even if you can’t touch

When we remove touch from our social interactions, we should consider what else we can emphasize instead. “Maybe we could be better at looking each other in the eyes, if we do have physical meetings,” suggests Wasling. “We can make sure that we see each other, because touching a person is a way of saying that ‘I see you, I acknowledge your existence.’”

Don’t be afraid to have deeper, more meaningful conversations where you really listen — especially if you know someone might be isolated or lonely. While these interactions don’t activate the same touch-based neural pathways, they still stimulate our social sense of belonging and intimacy, says Winch.

Don’t just “check in” on people who are alone — connect with them meaningfully

It feels like everyone from our employers to the Twittersphere to US vice president Kamala Harris is reminding us to check in on our single friends. But are we going the right way about it?

“When we say ‘check in’ that’s like a checkbox. Tick; done,” says Winch. But that really isn’t enough. While the boredom and frustration of lockdowns are similar experiences for everyone, being isolated from the regular physical closeness of friends and family is uniquely difficult for people who are alone; the elderly, those who live by themselves, and those who are in high risk categories and cannot chance even one hug.

“If you just check in, that’s not going to be sufficient. You should be talking for at least 15 – 20 minutes for that to be a meaningful conversation. You have to really connect,” says Winch. If you’re both feeling Zoom fatigue, try each taking a walk while you talk on the phone.

If friends have described feeling ghostly or unreal, do your best to appreciate that the absence of touch has been a significant emotional loss for them during this time. One that you may never fully understand. Try not to say “I know how you feel,” if you are not in the same position.

“You know that when you touch things, they’re real to you,” says Wasling. “One of the reasons why I think touch is so important is that it makes you convinced you have a place in the social world of other people.”

As we look towards a vaccinated future, it is difficult to know right now how the pandemic will change our social attitudes towards touch in the long term. Will we still shake hands? Hug colleagues? A UK study conducted from January to March 2020, mostly before lockdown measures were introduced, found that 54 percent of people already felt they had too little touch in their lives. So we may well want this aspect of our lives to return as soon as possible.

But one facet that worries Winch is how the pandemic has actually reshaped our relationship with touch; “We took the thing that represents something so close, intimate and important, and now it represents something that’s actually dangerous and you should avoid. Even if we don’t fully register it, we are going to feel surges of anxiety at the idea of getting a hug. It’s going to take a while to bring us down from the danger alert of touch.”

Two Drops of Oil

By Leave a Comment

brown glass bottle with liquid and pipette
Photo by Karolina Grabowska on Pexels.com

The story is an old one
and I forget where I heard it
. . .or maybe I read it. . .
It’s often been attributed to Paulo Coelho,
author of THE ALCHEMIST
here now for your pondering:

A merchant sent his son to learn the Secret of Happiness from the wisest of men. The young man wandered through the desert for forty days until he reached a beautiful castle at the top of a mountain. There lived the sage that the young man was looking for.

However, instead of finding a holy man, our hero entered a room and saw a great deal of activity; merchants coming and going, people chatting in the corners, a small orchestra playing sweet melodies, and there was a table laden with the most delectable dishes of that part of the world.

The wise man talked to everybody, and the young man had to wait for two hours until it was time for his audience.

The Sage listened attentively to the reason for the boy’s visit, but told him that at that moment he did not have the time to explain to him the Secret of Happiness.

He suggested that the young man take a stroll around his palace and come back in two hours’ time.

“However, I want to ask you a favor,”he added, handling the boy a teaspoon, in which he poured two drops of oil. “While you walk, carry this spoon and don’t let the oil spill.”

The young man began to climb up and down the palace staircases, always keeping his eyes fixed on the spoon. At the end of two hours he returned to the presence of the wise man.

“So,” asked the sage, “did you see the Persian tapestries hanging in my dining room? Did you see the garden that the Master of Gardeners took ten years to create? Did you notice the beautiful parchments in my library?”

Embarrassed, the young man confessed that he had seen nothing. His only concern was not to spill the drops of oil that the wise man had entrusted to him.

“So, go back and see the wonders of my world,” said the wise man. “You can’t trust a man if you don’t know his house.”

Now more at ease, the young man took the spoon and strolled again through the palace, this time paying attention to all the works of art that hung from the ceiling and walls.

He saw the gardens, the mountains all around the palace, the delicacy of the flowers, the taste with which each work of art was placed in its niche. Returning to the sage, he reported in detail all that he had seen.

“But where are the two drops of oil that I entrusted to you?” asked the sage.

Looking down at the spoon, the young man realized that he had spilled the oil.

“Well, that is the only advice I have to give you,” said the sage of sages.
“The Secret of Happiness lies in looking at all the wonders of the world and never forgetting the two drops of oil in the spoon.”

How’s THAT
S P O O N
of yours. . .
Are the drops of oil long gone
splashed haphazardly all over the ground
or are they still securely floating there in the
silver hollow
because you’re paralyzed
won’t take a step
breathe in too deeply
for fear of losing the
precious drops. . .

THREE BIG QUESTIONS:

What do the ‘two drops of oil in the spoon’ mean to you?

Can you share a personal story of a time you were able to enjoy the world around without forgetting your essence?

What helps you appreciate the world without forgetting your sacred self?

Professional Speaker, Author, Assurance Man