FAMILIAR. . . ?
Sometimes some of the worst care
is the lack we give
O U R S E L V E S. . .
Being A Caring Catalyst to Others
begins with being
A Caring Catalyst
to Ourselves
IT IS THIS SIMPLE:
We do the best we can with what we know at the time. . .
It is VERY unloving to expect more;
We often were not given the knowledge
or the tools while we were young. . .
Pssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssst:
Life is about learning.
Sometimes that learning can be painful.
Our challenge is that once we have learned the lesson
that we do not continue to repeat it. . .
For many of us, however,
we may have to go around the track a few times
before we are able to count it as a
m i l e. . .
Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
There is no finish line
(PERIOD)
There is no competition
(PERIOD)
Self forgiveness is necessary on a daily basis
and SELF-LOVE even more needed
(MORE OFTEN)
in order to bring Compassion Care. . .
BEING A CARING CATALYST
means acknowledging
YOU DID THE BEST YOU COULD
. . .Now let it go
The RESILIENCE FACTOR
IT DOES NOT MATTER. . .
it really doesn’t matter how long you’ve lived
BECAUSE
YOU HAVE LIVED
it’s impossible for you
NOT TO HAVE
PTSD. . .
To put it even more directly,
IF YOU HAVE A PULSE
YOU HAVE PTSD
. . .that’s the thought that hit me
between the eyes
and right straight to the middle of my brain
as I was sitting in Presentation given by a Social Worker
from the VA Hospital in Cleveland, OH
when he stated,
“If you have had boots on the ground, you are suffering from PTSD.”
and the thought exploded inside of me
‘we all have boots on the ground
which soils a seed of pain’
that pesters and haunts us
and yes,
gives us
THE RESILIENCE FACTOR
and this once again
got plowed into me again when I read a recent
New York Times Article by Eilene Zimmerman,
who is author of the memoir
“Smacked: A Story of White-Collar Ambition, Addiction and Tragedy.”
with the message of
because of our previous
TOUGH TIMES
it’s prepared us for this current
TOUGH TIME. . .
It turns out, the article states, that the awful times in our lives have been good training for a pandemic, for political and social upheaval, for economic and financial uncertainty. These experiences have taught us that we never really know what’s going to happen next. We can plan as best we can, but now we’re far more able to pivot our thinking. Especially when it doesn’t always feel like it, we have the capacity to cope with more of life’s unexpected slings and arrows, to accept the difficulties we face and keep going, even though it can be hard and rarely volunteered for. . . .
How we navigate a crisis or traumatic event (and the coronavirus has many characteristics of trauma because it is unpredictable and uncontrollable) depends, in large part, on how resilient we are. Resilience is the ability to recover from difficult experiences and setbacks, to adapt, move forward and sometimes even experience growth.
Here’s the rub: An individual’s resilience is dictated by a combination of genetics, personal history, environment and situational context. So far, research has found the genetic part to be relatively small.More from ResilienceIn a Crisis, We Can Learn From Trauma TherapyJune 15, 2020
“The way I think about it is that there are temperamental or personality characteristics that are genetically influenced, like risk-taking, or whether you’re an introvert or extrovert,” said Karestan Koenen, professor of psychiatric epidemiology at Harvard’s T.H. Chan School of Public Health.
Professor Koenen studies how genes shape our risk of post-traumatic stress disorder. “We all know people that are just very even-tempered,” she said. “Some of that is simply how we’re built physiologically.” Yet it isn’t true that some people are born more resilient than others, said Professor Koenen, “That’s because almost any trait can be a positive or negative, depending on the situation.”
Far more important, it seems, is an individual’s history.
The most significant determinant of resilience — noted in nearly every review or study of resilience in the last 50 years — is the quality of our close personal relationships, especially with parents and primary caregivers. Early attachments to parents play a crucial, lifelong role in human adaptation.
“How loved you felt as a child is a great predictor of how you manage all kinds of difficult situations later in life,” said Bessel van der Kolk, a professor of psychiatry at Boston University School of Medicine who has been researching post-traumatic stress since the 1970s. He is the founder of the Trauma Research Foundation in Boston.
Dr. van der Kolk said long-term studies showed that the first 20 years of life were especially critical. “Different traumas at different ages have their own impacts on our perceptions, interpretations and expectations; these early experiences sculpt the brain, because it is a use-dependent organ,” he said.
You can think of resilience as a set of skills that can be, and often is, learned. Part of the skill-building comes from exposure to very difficult — but manageable — experiences.
“Stress isn’t all bad,” said Steven M. Southwick, professor emeritus of psychiatry, PTSD and Resilience at Yale University School of Medicine and co-author of the book “Resilience: The Science of Mastering Life’s Greatest Challenges.” If you can cope today with all that’s happening in the world around you, Dr. Southwick said, “then when you are on the other side of it, you’ll be stronger.”
How we cope depends on what is in our resilience toolbox. For some people it might be filled with drugs. For others it can be drinking, overeating, gambling, shopping. But these don’t promote resilience.
Instead, the tools common to resilient people are optimism (that is also realistic), a moral compass, religious or spiritual beliefs, cognitive and emotional flexibility, and social connectedness. The most resilient among us are people who generally don’t dwell on the negative, who look for opportunities that might exist even in the darkest times. During a quarantine, for example, a resilient person might decide it is a good time to start a meditation practice, take an online course or learn to play guitar.
Research has shown that dedication to a worthy cause or a belief in something greater than oneself — religiously or spiritually — has a resilience-enhancing effect, as does the ability to be flexible in your thinking.
“Many, many resilient people learn to carefully accept what they can’t change about a situation and then ask themselves what they can actually change,” Dr. Southwick said. Conversely, banging your head against the wall and fretting endlessly about not being able to change things has the opposite effect, lessening your ability to cope.
Dr. Southwick has done many studies with former prisoners of war and has found that although they suffered profoundly, many eventually found new areas of growth and meaning in their lives.
“Each of us has to figure out what our particular challenges are and then determine how to get through them, at the current moment in time,” advised George Bonanno, a professor of clinical psychology and director of the Loss, Trauma, and Emotion Lab at Columbia University Teachers College. The good news, he said, is that most of us will. Professor Bonanno’s lab reviewed 67 studies of people who experienced all kinds of traumatic events. “I’m talking mass shootings, hurricanes, spinal cord injuries, things like that,” he said. “And two-thirds were found to be resilient. Two-thirds were able to function very well in a short period of time.”
How to Build Resilience
Interviews with large numbers of highly resilient individuals — those who have experienced a great deal of adversity and have come through it successfully — show they share the following characteristics.
- They have a positive, realistic outlook. They don’t dwell on negative information and instead look for opportunities in bleak situations, striving to find the positive within the negative.
- They have a moral compass. Highly resilient people have a solid sense of what they consider right and wrong, and it tends to guide their decisions.
- They have a belief in something greater than themselves. This is often found through religious or spiritual practices. The community support that comes from being part of a religion also enhances resilience.
- They are altruistic; they have a concern for others and a degree of selflessness. They are often dedicated to causes they find meaningful and that give them a sense of purpose.
- They accept what they cannot change and focus energy on what they can change. Dr. Southwick says resilient people reappraise a difficult situation and look for meaningful opportunities within it.
- They have a mission, a meaning, a purpose. Feeling committed to a meaningful mission in life gives them courage and strength.
- They have a social support system, and they support others. “Very few resilient people,” said Dr. Southwick, “go it alone.”
So. . .
how do we bring
FACE TO MIRROR
and make things
C L E A R E R
less blurry. . .
Could it be as easy as
LOOKING BEYOND OURSELVES
FOCUSING MORE ON OTHERS
REFINING OUR CARING CATALYST SKILLS. . . ?
How about we prove
that it
DOESN’T
YOU most
RESILIENT FACTOR
MONKEY-MIND
Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
How it just seems to go on and on
E S P E C I A L L Y
AFTER HOURS
When you want it all to stop
at least for a little while
. . .a moment
but that’s when
MONKEY MIND
really goes to the next level. . .
Pssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssst:
GUESS WHAT. . .
The Chaos of the Holidays
kicks it into another level
Psychologists Explain How To Stop Overthinking Everything
Overthinking can lead to serious emotional distress and increase your risk of mental health problems
Thomas Oppong recently reported that this is more than just some kind of phase. . .
Thinking about something in endless circles — is exhausting.
While everyone overthinks a few things once in a while, chronic over-thinkers spend most of their waking time ruminating, which puts pressure on themselves. They then mistake that pressure to be stress.
“There are people who have levels of overthinking that are just pathological,” says clinical psychologist Catherine Pittman, an associate professor in the psychology department at Saint Mary’s College in Notre Dame, Indiana.
“But the average person also just tends to overthink things.” Pittman is also the author of “Rewire Your Anxious Brain: How to Use the Neuroscience of Fear to End Anxiety, Panic, and Worry.”
Overthinking can take many forms: endlessly deliberating when making a decision (and then questioning the decision), attempting to read minds, trying to predict the future, reading into the smallest of details, etc.
People who overthink consistently run commentaries in their heads, criticising and picking apart what they said and did yesterday, terrified that they look bad — and fretting about a terrible future that might await them
SOUND FAMILIAR. . .
‘What ifs’ and ‘shoulds’ dominate their thinking, as if an invisible jury is sitting in judgement on their lives. And they also agonise over what to post online because they are deeply concerned about how other people will interpret their posts and updates.
They don’t sleep well because ruminating and worrying keep them awake at night. “Ruminators repetitively go over events, asking big questions: Why did that happen? What does it mean?” adds Susan Nolen-Hoeksema, the chair of the department of psychology at Yale University and the author of Women Who Think Too Much: How to Break Free of Overthinking and Reclaim Your Life. “But they never find any answers.”
It kind of feels like
when we’d bet our lives
or at least our
PEACE OF MIND
that 99% of what we fret will never happen
THAT SINGLE, SOLITARY 1%
Monkey Minds us all the way to the Zoo and back. . .
If you consistently focus on ruminating and make it a habit, it becomes a loop, And the more you do it, the harder it is to stop. Clinical psychologist Helen Odessky, Psy. D., shares some insight. “So often people confuse overthinking with problem-solving,” says Odessky, the author of “Stop Anxiety from Stopping You.” “But what ends up happening is we just sort of go in a loop,” Odessky says. “We’re not really solving a problem.”
Overthinking is destructive and mentally draining. It can make you feel like you’re stuck in one place, and if you don’t act, it can greatly impact on your day-to-day life. It can quickly put your health and total well-being at risk. Rumination makes you more susceptible to depression and anxiety.
Many people overthink because they are scared of the future, and what could potentially go wrong. “Because we feel vulnerable about the future, we keep trying to solve problems in our head,” says David Carbonell, a clinical psychologist and author of “The Worry Trick: How Your Brain Tricks You into Expecting the Worst and What You Can Do About It.”
Extreme overthinking can easily sap your sense of control over your life. It robs us of active participation in everything around us.
“Chronic worriers show an increased incidence of coronary problems and suppressed immune functioning. Dwelling on the past or the future also takes us away from the present, rendering us unable to complete the work currently on our plates. If you ask ruminators how they are feeling, none will say “happy.” Most feel miserable,” says Nicholas Petrie, a senior faculty member at the Center for Creative Leadership.
Overthinking can trap the brain in a worry cycle. When ruminating become as natural as breathing, you need to quickly deal with it and find a solution to it.
“When an unpleasant event puts us in a despondent mood, it’s easier to recall other times when we’ve felt terrible. That can set the stage for a ruminator to work herself into a downward spiral,” writes Amy Maclin of Real Simple.
SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO:
how do we untangle
I T
A L L. . .
How to defeat this pattern of thinking and win your life back
Chronic worrying is not permanent. It’s a mental habit that can be broken. You can train your brain to look at life from a different perspective.
To overcome overthinking, Pittman recommends you replace the thought. “Telling yourself to not to have a certain thought is not the way to not have the thought,” she says.”You need to replace the thought.” What if she were to tell you to stop thinking about pink elephants? What are you going to think about? That’s right: pink elephants. If you don’t want to think about a pink elephant, conjure up an image of, say, a tortoise. “Maybe there’s a big tortoise holding a rose in its mouth as it crawls,” says Pittman. “You’re not thinking about pink elephants now.”
Talk yourself out of it by noticing when you’re stuck in your head. You can tame your overthinking habit if you can start taking a grip on your self-talk — that inner voice that provides a running monologue throughout the day and even into the night.
“You can cultivate a little psychological distance by generating other interpretations of the situation, which makes your negative thoughts less believable,” says Bruce Hubbard, the director of the Cognitive Health Group and an adjunct assistant professor of psychology and education at Columbia University. This is called cognitive restructuring.
Ask yourself — What’s the probability that what I’m scared of will actually happen? If the probability is low, what are some more likely outcomes?
If it’s a problem you keep ruminating about, rephrase the issue to reflect the positive outcome you’re looking for,” suggests Nolen-Hoeksema.
“Instead of “I’m stuck in my career,” tell yourself or better still write, “I want a job where I feel more engaged.” Then make a plan to expand your skills, network, and look for opportunities for a better career.
Find a constructive way of processing any worries or negative thoughts, says Honey. “Write your thoughts down in a journal every night before bed or first thing in the morning — they don’t have to be in any order. Do a ‘brain dump’ of everything on your mind onto the page. Sometimes that can afford a sense of relief, ” recommends Honey Langcaster-James, a psychologist.
You can also control your ruminating habit by connecting with your senses. Begin to notice what you can hear, see, smell, taste, and feel.
The idea is to reconnect with your immediate world and everything around you. When you begin to notice, you spend less time in your head.
You can also notice your overthinking habit and talk yourself out of it. Becoming self-aware can help you take control.
“Pay a little more attention,” says Carbonell. “Say something like: I’m feeling kind of anxious and uncomfortable. Where am I? Am I all in my head? Maybe I should go take a walk around the block and see what happens.”
Recognise your brain is in overdrive or ruminating mode, and then try to snap out of it immediately. Or better still, distract yourself and redirect your attention to something else that requires focus.
“If you need to interrupt and replace hundreds of times a day, it will stop fast, probably within a day,” says Dr Margaret Weherenberg, a psychologist and author of The 10 Best-Ever Anxiety Management Techniques. “Even if the switch is simply to return attention to the task at hand, it should be a decision to change ruminative thoughts.”
It takes practice, but with time, you will be able to easily recognise when you are worrying unnecessarily, and choose instead, to do something in real life rather than spending a lot of time in your head.
For example, convert, “I can’t believe this happened” to “What can I do to prevent it from happening again?” or convert “I don’t have good friends!” to “What steps could I take to deepen the friendships I have and find new ones?” recommends Ryan Howes, PhD.
Don’t get lost in thoughts about what you could have, would have, and should have done differently. Mental stress can seriously impact your quality of life.
An overactive mind can make life miserable. Learning how to stop spending time in your head is one of the greatest gifts you can give yourself.
Like all habits, changing your destructive thought patterns can be a challenge, but it’s not impossible. With practice, you can train your brain to perceive things differently and reduce the stress of overthinking.
If overthinking is ruining your life, and if you think you may be spiralling into depression because of your thoughts, it pays to get professional help.
Just remember. . .
Even when you feel you’re shattered
YOU STILL POSSESS A
MARVELOUS SHINE
that never goes dull. . .
It’s just that you
MONKEY-MIND IT
y o u
OVER THINK
it can. . .
JUST WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?
Now that’s a pretty loaded question, isn’t it?
I usually got asked that question as a kid when I did something my parents didn’t overly appreciate. . .
Maybe I talked back
Maybe I gave my unauthorized opinion
Maybe it’s what I didn’t say when I should have said something
Maybe my MAYBE is severely understated. . .
I may not be a whole lot more mature
or much more GROWN UP
but I have gotten a little wiser with the years. . .
SO. . .
ANSWER THE QUESTION:
WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?
Psssssssssssssssssst of the Day:
IT HAS MULTIPLE ANSWERS
(yes, there’s more than one)
W H E N
WERE
YOU
AT
YOUR ABSOLUTE BEST?
This Is the Age When Your Self-Esteem Is Highest
JAMIE DUCHARME of TIME MAGAZINE has an idea according to some of her extensive research:
In today’s youth-obsessed culture, getting older is often seen as something to fear. But a new study says at least one thing gets better with age: self-esteem.
Age 60 seems to be best for self-esteem, according to a paper published recently in the journal Psychological Bulletin — and those positive feelings may stay at their peak for an entire decade.
“Midlife is, for many adults, a time of highly stable life circumstances in domains such as relationships and work. Moreover, during middle adulthood, most individuals further invest in the social roles they hold, which might promote their self-esteem,” study co-author Ulrich Orth, a professor of psychology at the University of Bern in Switzerland, said in an email to TIME. “For example, people take on managerial roles at work, maintain a satisfying relationship with their spouse or partner, and help their children to become responsible and independent adults.”
The researchers based their analysis on 191 research articles about self-esteem, which included data from almost 165,000 people. They set out to present the most comprehensive look yet at how self-esteem changes with age, examining a number of different demographics and age groups.
Self-esteem first begins to rise between ages 4 and 11, as children develop socially and cognitively and gain some sense of independence. Levels then seem to plateau — but not decline — as the teenage years begin from ages 11 to 15, the data show.
That’s somewhat surprising, given that many people — scientists and otherwise — assume that self-esteem takes a hit during the traditionally awkward early teenage years, “possibly because of pubertal changes and increased emphasis on social comparison at school,” Orth says. “However, our findings show that this is not the case.”
Instead, self-esteem appears to hold steady until mid-adolescence. After that lull, Orth says, self-esteem seems to increase substantially until age 30, then more gradually throughout middle adulthood, before peaking around age 60 and remaining stable until age 70.
After this period, however, Orth’s data show that many adults experience a decline in self-esteem, beginning modestly around 70 and becoming more significant around age 90.
“Old age frequently involves loss of social roles as a result of retirement, the empty nest, and, possibly, widowhood, all of which are factors that may threaten self-esteem,” Orth explains. “In addition, aging often leads to negative changes in other possible sources of self-esteem, such as socioeconomic status, cognitive abilities and health.”
The suggestion that these factors don’t seem to meaningfully converge until around age 90, however, should be encouraging.
“Many people,” Orth says, “are able to maintain a relatively high level of self-esteem even during old age.”
SO. . .
Just WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?
Maybe the more important question:
WHO ARE YOU CONTINUING TO BECOME ?
(are you satisfied)
It’s the only research that’ll ever be
r e l e v a n t
C O M P L I M E N T E D
How do you take a compliment?
Are you better at giving them
or
R E C E I V I N G
A Compliment?
I’m not very good. . .
in fact, I’m really horrible
at it
Christopher Littlefield
is the founder of
ACKNOWLEDGEMENTWORKS
and interviewed over three hundred people
over the course of a year
while riding the subway in Boston;
He spoke to
parking lot attendants
CEO’s
Doctors
Delta Grond Crew Members
Harvard Professors
and many others. . . .
Littlefield found that although the number one thing people associate
R E C O G N I T I O N
with is a feeling of being valued (88%)
nearly 70% of people associate embarrassment
or discomfort
with the process of being recognized.
The real scoop:
MOST OF US CAN’T TAKE A COMPLIMENT
and often don’t even realize it!
Other studies suggest that
NOT BEING ABLE TO RECEIVE A COMPLIMENT
is a sign of low self-esteem
Littlefield suggests,
“Recgonition is often more about the g i v e r than the r e c e i v e r”
S o. . .
when someone is complimenting you,
they are sharing how your actions or behaviors have impacted them.
THEY ARE NOT ASKING IF YOU AGREE
nor are they on a huge fishing expedition
to receive a compliment.
SO. . .
Do you
R E S P O N D
or do you
R E A C T ?
S O. . .
Relate to the compliment as a G I F T
“T H A N K Y O U”
really is a simple, appropriate response and reaction
DO NOT DIVERT the compliment. . .
just receive it with gratitude.
Here’s let’s give it a try:
YOU ARE AWESOME
YOU ARE GREAT
YOU ARE THE BEST AT JUST BEING YOU
and yes. . .
Y O U
are sincerely
W E L C O M E