Who Cares - What Matters
EVEN IF
ESPECIALLY IF
it’s not worth your attention
it’s not worth your watching
it’s at least worth your effort
to specifically be more
K I N D
to
family
friend
foe
foreigner
(and yourself)
No matter what
the Clock
the Calendar
shows. . .
M I R R O R,
M I R R O R
on the WALL
who’s the
M O S T
Compassionate of them all. . .
Here’s a
B I G G E R Q U E S T I O N:
Are these things easy to assume:
People are selfish
Greed is Good
Altruism is an Illusion
Cooperation is for Suckers
The BAD in people is far stronger than the GOOD
Compassion is a show of Weakness
Kant once said,
“Such benevolence is called soft-heartedness and should not occur at all among human beings.”
Are we all that
F A R O F F
Thinking:
True Compassion doesn’t exist
or if there’s a smidgen of it,
it’s just for pure self-interest reasons. . .
Before we totally garbage can
C O M P A S S I O N
recent studies
S H O U T
Compassion and Benevolence
are rooted in
OUR BRAINS
OUR BIOLOGY
and are severely ready to be cultivated
in this Harvest Time
for the greater good. . .
It’s way deeper than just being in our
University of Wisconsin Psychologist, Jack Nitschke found in an experiment that when mothers looked at pictures of their babies, they not only reported feeling more compassionate love than when they saw others babies; they also demonstrated unique activity in a region of their brains associated with the positive emotions. Nitschke’s finding suggests that this region of the brain is attuned to the first objects of our our compassion–our Children
. . .but this COMPASSIONATE INSTINCT isn’t limited just to parents’ brains; in a different set of studies, Joshua Greene and Jonathan Cohen of Princeton University found that when subjects contemplated harm being done to others, a similar network of regions in their brains LIT UP. . .This consistency strongly suggests that Compassion isn’t simply a fickle or irrational emotion, but rather an innate human response embedded into the folds of our brains
Emory University Neuroscientists, James Rilling and Gregory Berns studied participants who were given the chance to help someone else while their brain activity was recorded. Helping others triggered activity in the caudate nucleus and anterior cingulate, portions of the brain that turn on when people receive rewards or experience pleasure. This goes to explain: HELPING OTHERS BRINGS THE SAME PLEASURE WE GET FROM THE GRATIFICATION OF PERSONAL DESIRE
So. . .
the seemingly Scientific Code is:
The Brian seems wired up to respond to others’ suffering
. . .it makes us FEEL GOOD
when we can alleviate suffering. . .
and we didn’t even begin to
talk about the numerous studies
on the Chemical Reactions
that take place
when people merely practice behaviors associated with Compassionate Love:
Warm Smiles
Friendly Hand Gestures
Affirmative forward lean in’s
A tsunami of oxytocin washes over our shores
that suggests:
BEING COMPASSIONATE
CAUSES A CHEMICAL REACTION
in the body that motivates us to be
EVEN MORE COMPASSIONATE. . .
b u t
f e e l i n g
Compassion is one thing;
a c t i n g
on Compassion is another. . .
Daniel Batson’s research suggests that when we encounter people in need or distress, we often imagine what their experience is like. . .it, he said, is one of the most important aspects of our ability to make moral judgments and fulfill the social contract
Studies
S t u d i e s
S T U D I E S
. . .they abound and are bordering onto
c o u n t l e s s
it’s clear, isn’t it,
recent scientific findings show that
COMPASSION is deeply rooted in
our brains
our bodies
our basic ways of communicating. . .
Hey. . . this Caring Catalyst research
can go on and on and on
but the most significant question of this blog post:
W I L L I T
. . .Compassion means nothing as a word
unless it becomes
p e r s o n i f i e d
IT DOESN’T TAKE MUCH TODAY
. . .just wear a mask
or NOT
and it can be
O N
T H I S
non-confrontational person
who will play peace-maker to any little
squabble that happens to start up. . .
It’s as if we are an overly dry
thirsty forest floor
AND EVERYTHING
is a lit match
just waiting to drop
which is why
I AM LOOKING
READING
SEARCHING
GOOGLING
RESEARCHING
ASKING
for some advice
SOME HOW-TO
for my sincere
WANT-TO
on how to douse
the flames
or better still
DO SOME FIRE-PREVENTION
before having to ever having to do
f i r e f i g h t i n g
by not just learning
but assimilating
The everyday martial art of talking to someone who disagrees with you
an article I recently ready by Don Johnson. . .
Words create our reality. Once we put them out there, we can’t take them back. Expressions like “I didn’t mean to say that” or “I was only kidding” come too late.
So why do couples get into needless arguments? Jeffery S. Smith, MD, writes in Psychology Today:
The cause of arguments and fights is a lack of mutual, empathic understanding. When empathy is not engaged, then people revert to a self-protective mode and become judgmental. The result is a bad feeling on both sides and no happy ending.
People want to be understood, not just heard.
Author Daniel Kahneman’s theory of two different systems of thinking sheds light on why we sometimes lose the ability to be empathetic in our relationships.
Kahneman says System 1 thinking operates quickly, without concentrated effort. It’s more unconscious, irrational, and emotional. We use it when driving a car on an empty road, reading words on a giant billboard, doing something familiar, or something that looks easy, like solving 6+6=?
System 2, on the other hand, involves effort and attention. It’s logical, rational, and conscious. We use it when solving complicated calculations, adjusting our behavior in a social situation, or when searching for a specific person in a crowd.
When faced with familiar and everyday situations, people invent mental shortcuts. If something looks easy, we use System 1, our more unconscious method of thinking. However, depending solely on System 1 can lead to biases toward everyday situations and issues.
This may explain one of the challenges of being in a relationship: We get used to our partner’s thought patterns and behavior; they become familiar and almost predictable. Consequently, it’s easy to go on autopilot and default to System 1 thinking, particularly when we get triggered, frustrated, or stressed. When we’re emotional, we are more apt to make assumptions, jump to conclusions, get defensive, and not listen attentively. Empathy can slip right through our fingers.Healthy Relationships Begin With Knowing Who You Really AreMeditation can help you locate your truest selfhumanparts.medium.com
Here are some strategies that can help you stay out of unnecessary arguments.
While a lack of empathy may be the underlying cause of arguments, the words we use are the delivery system. An opinion presented as a fact is toxic and a surefire way to make someone defensive.
Here are some examples of toxic opinions:
Contrast those with these:
These “I” statements are examples of owning your opinion, a critical element of humility.
It only takes one conscious person to stop an argument.
Opinions are subjective and, when expressed in the first person, constructive. They invite differing viewpoints, laying the foundation for resolving conflict. Using language in the second or third person, by contrast, closes off dialogue and invites defensiveness.
Speaking with humility will cool a conversation that’s getting too hot.
Be present: We’ve all experienced the disappointment of speaking to someone who is clearly busy or distracted and says, “Go ahead, I’m listening.” It feels disrespectful and can derail a conversation quickly. Be fully attentive and look at the person you are speaking to.
Be quiet: If you are aware that you interrupt people, stop doing it. It’s a good sign that, whether you realize it or not, you aren’t listening. It conveys that you are more interested in getting your point across than anything else.
Demonstrate your presence: If you sit silently, like a statue, no one knows whether you’re actually listening. Nodding gently, saying “Mm-hmm” or “Uh-huh” will help encourage the other person to explain themselves fully. Silent attention only makes people wonder if anyone is home.
Get curious: Questions show interest and help the other person feel valued. In The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, author Stephen Covey writes, “Seek first to understand, then to be understood.” When something doesn’t make sense to you or you start to feel agitated, ask yourself: What don’t I know? Is there something I am missing? What am I curious about?
Use reflective listening: Summarize what you think you have heard and check to make sure you have it right. “Here’s what I hear you saying and what is important to you… is this correct?” If you don’t have it right, you can try again. You aren’t agreeing—you are just demonstrating you understand.
If you don’t understand, say, “I’m not clear,” or “Help me out. I’m not getting it.” It’s counterproductive to say, “You are not making sense.” This creates more defensiveness and blames the other person.
Aikido is a modern Japanese martial art that uses the principles of nonresistance to neutralize an opponent. Translated to English, it means “the way of harmonious spirit.” Aikido does not offer aggressive or defensive maneuvers but instead uses the energy of an opponent to divert and redirect an attack harmlessly. The philosophy is based on peaceful resolution and self-improvement. It only takes one conscious person to stop an argument.
Arguments are like two people physically pushing on the other. One pushes; the other pushes back. Then the other pushes back harder. Nothing is accomplished, and everybody feels bad. Verbal aikido uses these principles in defusing conflicts and can help both individuals rekindle empathy.
Let’s imagine my wife and I are arguing. She says, “That’s a dumb idea; it won’t work.” If I say, “You’re wrong,” I’m just pushing back on her, creating more friction. If I agree with her, but don’t mean it, I’m not being truthful, and I’ll wind up being resentful.
Verbal aikido, however, can help stop the “pushing.” Here’s how it works:
YIELD: I can defuse the situation by acknowledging her point of view, reframing it slightly to help her recognize and own her opinion. I don’t say anything aggressive or defensive, but I might say, “You think it’s a dumb idea.” Helping her take ownership of the opinion, presented as a fact, is the first step in redirecting the verbal attack.
INQUIRE: Assuming she says, “Yes, I do think it’s a dumb idea,” I can say, “Okay, help me understand why you think it’s dumb?” I want to invite her to share not just what she thinks, but why she thinks that way. I’m curious to understand her thinking and perspective.
SHARE: Then, I explain why I think the way that I do. “I think it’s a good idea because…” This creates balance in the conversation and opens up a discussion not just about our opinions but about what is behind them. Arguments are solved through dialogue.
RESOLVE: As we talk more, if she offers convincing ideas, I can change my mind. If I still don’t agree, I can say, “Let’s find a solution that works for both of us.” We may compromise and move ahead together, or we may decide to disagree, but at least we understand why we think the way we do, and that is a better outcome than arguing.
Arguments are inevitable in life, but by being mindful and skillful, we can speak wisely, listen actively, and bring empathy and love into our conversations — even the tough ones. . .ONLY IF WE REALLY WANT. . .
WHAT. . . ?
You saw it
You watched it
but what did you really see. . .
but what did you watch. . .
A LIVING DEFINITION OF
HOLDING SPACE:
You saw
You watched
WHAT
it means to be with someone without judgment;
to donate your ears and heart
without wanting anything back;
To practice
Empathy and Compassion;
To accept Someone’s
TRUTH
as raw, distasteful and painful
as that
TRUTH
may be
no matter what they are
or
WHO
they are. . .
W I T
is a 2001 movie that was based on the 1999 Pulitzer Prize winning play by Margaret Edson. It stars award winning actress, Emma Thompson with a cameo scene of Maggie Smith
in this powerful example of how she
HELD SPACE
for Emma’s character on her death bed
quickly followed by a great scene as how to
N O T
HOLD SPACE
by a young intern who was more concerned about
RESEARCH
than
Respectful Compassion. . .
OUR TAKE AWAY:
IF THESE COVID19 TIMES
have taught us nothing
(especially over this once again surreal week)
isn’t it simply to
an open, empathetic reminder of
It just might be the difference between
HOLDING SPACE
or
IGNORING IT
This past week, Gayle Sayers a Hall of Fame Football player died and in reviewing his life in the sports world the question came up:
WHAT SPORT’S MOVIE MADE YOU CRY
BRIAN’S SONG first aired, November 30, 1971
and I remember
ohhhh yeah, crying
(s h o c k e r)
but also calling my (STILL) best friend, Joe Nicolella
to do what we always did after a
sporting event
movie
album
book
. . .d i s c u s s
I don’t think that either one of us admitted it to each other
but yeah, be both cried
and maybe because
to this day
Joe and I have that
close
don’t-have-to-talk-to-you-everyday-to-know-what-you-think/feel
relationship. . .
but what about that Sport’s movie. . . ?
This one, for me has to have a top three consideration. . .
The movie is a sports fantasy drama
that came out in 1989 and was nominated for an Academy Award
It has a fantastic
music score
a great cast of
Kevin Costner, Amy Madigan, James Earl Jones, Ray Liotta and
Burt Lancaster
that culminates in the last scene
that answers the statements
that haunt throughout the movie:
IF YOU BUILD IT HE WILL COME
and
EASE HIS PAIN
both of which talked about Costner’s dad
who actually comes in this last scene
where they both wonder
IS THIS HEAVEN
and
IS THERE A HEAVEN
with the powerful answer of
“Oh yeah. . .It’s the place where dreams come true.”
N O N E
of us have ever lived in a
2020-like
Time before
and we’ve each experienced it
the same
and yet so differently at times
with there be no wonder
why it feels
THE FARTHEST PLACE FROM HEAVEN
. . .and yet. . .
has there been a little bits of
h e a v e n
in all of this
seemingly
unending
h e l l
THE KEY TO A HAPPY HEART
IS MAKING ANOTHER’S
H A P P Y
. . .TRUE OR FALSE
Pssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssst:
You answer with every act
with every act
you create
(or demolish)
A PLACE WHERE DREAMS COME TRUE
. . .Quick,
Pass me a tissue
I saw an old Jesus
Walking through
A crowded waiting room
In a place
no one wanted to be
He Shuffle passed me
In faded, wrinkled pajama bottoms
And a lifeless gray T-shirt
Sipping on a stained Styrofoam
cup of coffee
He floated to a pause
In awe of the brightly colored fish
Swimming around a shiny but finger smudged aquarium
And they seemed to multiply
Wildly in a flurry of surreal color
that eyes could barely focus
and imaginations dare to envision
A Hand Out
became a Life Raft
My ice water took on a different taste of Merlot
that left a warm glow which seemed to illuminate within me
An ember that glowed
warmed
without incinerating
With a mere ever so light touch of his fingertips
Or a soft gaze of his eyes
One by one we were
metamorphosized
And then in a much
quicker than the blink of an eye
and way less subtle than the distinct note
from a shiny trumpet
There was a suddenness
Of difference
I not only forgot why I was there
I was in fact
No longer there
C O M P A S S I O N
never leaves with clean hands. . .
and the only time
OUT OF THE BOX
isn’t so great
is when it’s a
s a n d b o x
. . .just how much sand
is still in your sandbox
or has it all
l i t e r a l l y
been thrown away. . . ?
THE WORLD
is upside down
and off its axis
seemingly with no hope of
r i g h t i n g
itself
everyone seems to be grabbing for anything
that even remotely looks like
T H E I R S
(especially opinions)
JUST WEARING A MASK
(or not)
will get you labeled
and that’ll negate you
in blink-of-the-eye-quickness. . .
CASE IN POINT:
(from two acquaintances in a Facebook Discussion)
(ROB WROTE):
This shouldn’t be a political post, but offending people appears almost as easy as blinking these days and seems to happen with a near similar frequency.
Today I met with my neurologist via zoom. We discussed the current condition of my health and the reality that heat is a destructive force in my life. Overheating complicates my already fragile central nervous system and causes frequent pseudo exacerbations and tailspins that are difficult to describe. I won’t bore you with the details, but the Dr. told me that I can’t risk going out and being near people who aren’t wearing masks in these ongoing days of Covid. If I were to get a fever, it would be “very, very bad” for me, let’s just leave it at that.
Now I don’t know each of your views pertaining to mask wearing and, honestly, I marvel at its political ties, though I know that I shouldn’t be surprised. I’m just trying to send a reminder that some of us aren’t in a position to ponder the political angles, we are just trying to keep our heads above water and would like to not be permanently confined to our homes, where it sometimes ironically seems that we might drown for lack of oxygen.
I encourage you to think of adorning a mask as if it were an empathy enhancer, regardless of any other benefits it may or may not have.
Stay healthy, friends. One day we will hug again
(WENDY REPLIED):
I think what is interesting about this conversation is that your highly trained doctor says to wear one, but my highly trained doctor says not too. It is what makes this part of the mask conversation so hard. I too, am considered extremely immune compromised but my doctor does not believe they protect us and in fact believes they are harming us more and providing an environment for more virus to grow. I work as an essential employee, have not been sick, wear mask in limited capacity and have stayed healthy. Many doctors believe that this is why we are seeing virus transmission go up in areas that are mandating it. Also on the flip side of this, my mother, who is asthmatic and my uncle who has COPD, cant wear them without getting deathly sick. It is a unique conversation to each individual, their unique situation and their health care providers feelings on it. It should not be mandated by any government entity for that reason. I respect what your doctor is telling you for you, but it can’t be something that is mandated for everyone. We do not know each person’s unique situation which why judgement to wear or not wear should be something we as individuals should not be passing and should be an individuals decision to do or not to do based on these specific factors. What could save your life, might take my mom’s life. This is a very real thing we need to see in the true light for what it is. It does mean that many people like you can’t be out in the general population right now, but it should not mean everyone has to wear a mask because of that. If you wear one and stay socially distant, you will stay safe. I am sorry that the health factors make life more difficult for you during this time
(ROB REPLIED)
Wendy – Thanks for a thoughtful reply. I am of the opinion that some of your examples are the exception to the rule, but none the less, thanks for addressing the argument rather than attacking the individual. Tip of the cap to you.
Playing in the sandbox without getting
G R I T T Y
is not just possible or plausible
but actually
providential
Sand in the box
is never the problem
It’s always the sand
the seemingly unremovable sand
on the hands
between the toes
in the shorts
in the eyes
that causes the
not-so-nice-play
in the sandbox
GRIT
has its place(S)
but purposely
recklessly
deliberately
in the eyes
is never one of them
Sand in the box
is never the problem
as much as
s a n d
out of the box
We are way past the time
of playing nice
. . .it’s now time
to just
BE NICE
(ALWAYS)
(ALL-WAYS)
The COVID-19 Pandemic
has brought many different changes
to the entire world
and out of all of the signs and symptoms
that have been identified in actually having this dreaded virus
I’m not so sure that
EXTREME VERKLEMPTNESS
isn’t one of the
unidentified
unspoken
o n e s. . .
On July 12, Kelly Preston
the Co-star in
FOR THE LOVE OF THE GAME
died
after a courageous two year battle of breast cancer. . .
In 1999 she joined Kevin Costner
in making this movie
. . .NO, NO,
it wasn’t up for any awards or honors
and it might have long been forgotten by this time
if she hadn’t recently died and it started being shown again on
HBO and other cable outlets
to honor her;
the premise of the film
is kind of flimsy
in that Kevin Costner’s character of
Billy Chapel
a so-so pitcher
throws the game of his life,
A No-Hitter
against the famed Yankees
fulfilling his
FOR THE LOVE OF THE GAME
legacy
and what should have been the greatest night of his life
w a s n ‘ t
because he painfully discovered
it wasn’t a
game
therapy
intervention
pharmaceutical
scientific discovery
medical advancement
B U T
RELATIONSHIPS THAT HEAL US
. . .hence,
EXTREME VERKLEMPTNESS
which begs the
simple
somewhat evasive question of the Soul:
What’s a celebration with no one to share it?
Well. . . ?
What puts the tear in your eye
and more,
WHO HELPS DRY IT?
ALL-WAYS
r e a c h
for the hands
that need
c l a s p i n g
This past Fourth of July weekend, I read an article from the New York Times that tell us, Acts of kindness may not be that random after all. Science says being kind pays off. . .
And my first thought was,
“SERIOUSLY, DO WE NEED THIS RESEARCHED OUT TO FIND OUT IF IT’S TRUE; THAT IT’S REAL. . . ?”
Research shows that acts of kindness make us feel better and healthier. Kindness is also key to how we evolved and survived as a species, scientists say. We are hard-wired to be kind.
Kindness “is as bred in our bones as our anger or our lust or our grief or as our desire for revenge,” said University of California San Diego psychologist Michael McCullough, author of the forthcoming book “Kindness of Strangers.” It’s also, he said, “the main feature we take for granted.”
Scientific research is booming into human kindness and what scientists have found so far speaks well of us; especially during this pandemic time.
“Kindness is much older than religion. It does seem to be universal,” said University of Oxford anthropologist Oliver Curry, research director at Kindlab. “The basic reason why people are kind is that we are social animals.”
We prize kindness over any other value. When psychologists lumped values into ten categories and asked people what was more important, benevolence or kindness, comes out on top, beating hedonism, having an exciting life, creativity, ambition, tradition, security, obedience, seeking social justice and seeking power, said University of London psychologist Anat Bardi, who studies value systems.
“We’re kind because under the right circumstances we all benefit from kindness,” Oxford’s Curry said.
When it comes to a species’ survival “kindness pays, friendliness pays,” said Duke University evolutionary anthropologist Brian Hare, author of the new book “Survival of the Friendliest.”
Kindness and cooperation work for many species, whether it’s bacteria, flowers or our fellow primate bonobos. The more friends you have, the more individuals you help, the more successful you are, Hare said.
For example, Hare, who studies bonobos and other primates, compares aggressive chimpanzees, which attack outsiders, to bonobos where the animals don’t kill but help out strangers. Male bonobos are far more successful at mating than their male chimp counterparts, Hare said.
McCullough sees bonobos as more the exceptions. Most animals aren’t kind or helpful to strangers, just close relatives so in that way it is one of the traits that separate us from other species, he said. And that, he said, is because of the human ability to reason.
Humans realize that there’s not much difference between our close relatives and strangers and that someday strangers can help us if we are kind to them, McCullough said.
Reasoning “is the secret ingredient, which is why we donate blood when there are disasters” and why most industrialized nations spend at least 20% of their money on social programs, such as housing and education, McCullough said.
Duke’s Hare also points to mama bears to understand the evolution and biology of kindness and its aggressive nasty flip side. He said studies point to certain areas of the brain, the medial prefrontal cortex, temporal parietal junction and other spots as either activated or dampened by emotional activity. The same places give us the ability to nurture and love, but also dehumanize and exclude, he said.
When mother bears are feeding and nurturing their cubs, these areas in the brain are activated and it allows them to be generous and loving, Hare said. But if someone comes near the mother bear at that time, it sets of the brain’s threat mechanisms in the same places. The same bear becomes its most aggressive and dangerous.
Hare said he sees this in humans. Some of the same people who are generous to family and close friends, when they feel threatened by outsiders become angrier. He points to the current polarization of the world.
“More isolated groups are more likely to be feel threatened by others and they are more likely to morally exclude, dehumanize,” Hare said. “And that opens the door to cruelty.”
But overall our bodies aren’t just programmed to be nice, they reward us for being kind, scientists said.
“Doing kindness makes you happier and being happier makes you do kind acts,” said labor economist Richard Layard, who studies happiness at the London School of Economics and wrote the new book “Can We Be Happier?”
University of California Riverside psychology professor Sonja Lyubomirsky has put that concept to the test in numerous experiments over 20 years and repeatedly found that people feel better when they are kind to others, even more than when they are kind to themselves.
“Acts of kindness are very powerful,” Lyubomirsky said.
In one experiment, she asked subjects to do an extra three acts of kindness for other people a week and asked a different group to do three acts of self-kindness. They could be small, like opening a door for someone, or big. But the people who were kind to others became happier and felt more connected to the world.
The same occurred with money, using it to help others versus helping yourself. Lyubomirsky said she thinks it is because people spend too much time thinking and worrying about themselves and when they think of others while doing acts of kindness, it redirects them away from their own problems.
Oxford’s Curry analyzed peer-reviewed research like Lyubomirsky’s and found at least 27 studies showing the same thing: Being kind makes people feel better emotionally.
But it’s not just emotional. It’s physical.
Lyubomirsky said a study of people with multiple sclerosis and found they felt better physically when helping others. She also found that in people doing more acts of kindness that the genes that trigger inflammation were turned down more than in people who don’t.
And she said in upcoming studies, she’s found more antiviral genes in people who performed acts of kindness.
SOMETIMES
even the best Words
need not to be spoken or sung
but still understood
just the same. . .
P L E A S E
just listen
not to hear
not to reply
but to actively respond. . .
a n d
p l e a s e