EVEN WHEN IT CAN BE FOUND AND DEFINED IN THE DICTIONARY
doesn’t mean that it can ever be fully
u n d e r s t o o d
MAMNOON
may be one of those words
|
Who Cares - What Matters
EVEN WHEN IT CAN BE FOUND AND DEFINED IN THE DICTIONARY
doesn’t mean that it can ever be fully
u n d e r s t o o d
MAMNOON
may be one of those words
|
Lots of people don’t watch TV|
Lots of people do. . .
Lots of people don’t watch
THIS IS US
Lots of people DO. . .
Some 4.97 Million watched this past Tuesday night
THE NEXT TO THE LAST SHOW
that had lots of
YOU-BETTER-GRAB-A-TOWEL
m o m e n t s
as we watched the matriarch, Rebecca Pearson
literally actively die in front of us
and what lots of hospice folks
COMPANION
(HOLD SPACE)
as a patient dies
and what they may be actually
(visioning)
feeling/seeing/sensing/experiencing
as they slip from this world
to the Great Whatever
lies beyond a last breath here
and a first breath
T H E R E
Nearly twenty-eight years of being a hospice chaplain has put me beside a lot of death beds of where I have companioned the dying and their loved ones. I applaud the writers and the actors for pulling back the curtain and giving us a fairly realistic look at what THAT moment looks like. . .a moment each one or us will experience, without all of the lights, cameras, action settings but in a more real, intimate, personal way because all of the evidence-based data shares the irrefutable:
ONE OUT OF ONE OF US DIES
And here’s where This Is Us Season 6, Episode 17 from this past Tuesday picks up. After a long battle with Alzheimer’s, Rebecca (Mandy Moore) passed, and the way her family told her goodbye was beautiful. Viewers were taken inside Rebecca’s psyche (literally) as she approached death. For her, this manifested in the form of a moving train. Rebecca was young on the train, and the passengers were people in her life, past and present. Meanwhile, in real life, as Rebecca’s family said their final goodbyes, they appeared on the train. And the person leading her through this experience (a.k.a the conductor on the train) was William (Ron Cephas Jones).
At the end of the episode, after the family members have said their last words to Rebecca, she reaches the train’s caboose. “This is quite sad, isn’t it?” she asks William. “The end?”
To this, William gives a beautiful, stunning speech to Rebecca. These are the last words she hears before going into the caboose (before she passes away). Read them in full, below:
“The way I see it, if something makes you sad when it ends, it must have been pretty wonderful when it was happening. Truth be told, I always felt it a bit lazy to just think of the world as sad, because so much of it is. Because everything ends. Everything dies. But if you step back, if you step back and look at the whole picture, if you’re brave enough to allow yourself the gift of a really wide perspective, if you do that, you’ll see that the end is not sad, Rebecca. It’s just the start of the next incredibly beautiful thing.”
With this, Rebecca hugs William and goes into the caboose, where a bed is waiting for. She lies down, and next to her is Jack (Milo Ventimiglia), reuniting the couple after decades of separation.
William’s speech epitomizes that moment—and it epitomizes This Is Us in general. If the show has taught us anything, it’s that nothing is forever. Any sadness or loss we saw the Pearsons experience in the present was always followed by a flash-forward, where we saw them happy, thriving, and doing just fine. Each storyline has shown us that no chapter is forever—the good ones end, and so do the bad ones. Life keeps moving, and we move with it. It’s a comforting message for anyone experiencing a hard time. Chapters always, always come to a close. The great poet Robert Frost once said, “ALL I KNOW ABOUT LIFE CAN BE SUMMED UP IN THREE WORDS: IT GOES ON!
It’s something Chris Sullivan (Toby) told NBC Insider when talking about the legacy of This Is Us. “From the first episode, they show you tragedy and pain, but they also shoot you into the future and show you, ‘Oh, this family’s OK,'” he said. “We jump back and forth and see, ‘Oh my gosh, this father died in a fire.’ Then, we jump forward and see, ‘Oh, this family’s OK.’ Tragedy and joy are held in both hands…Everything cycles around.”
Yes, it does. The series finale of This Is Us airs Tuesday, May 24 at 9 p.m. ET on NBC.
Hey. . .it’s just TV, right. . .
YUP. Yeah, it is. . .until it isn’t
THIS IS US
ALL OF US
“If something makes you sad when it ends, it must have been pretty wonderful when it was happening”… and with that, one last car. The caboose.
This Is Us
(Now about THAT towel)
to our Mental Health. . .
New research on “anti-mattering” and
overcoming loneliness.
I recently read this article from Psychology Today by Susan Krauss Whitborne, Ph.D and reviewed by Abigail Fagan that has me thinking about what Matters about Mattering. . .
There may be times that you’d like to feel invisible, but for the most part, people like to feel that other people notice and care about them. If you’ve ever walked into a social gathering and waited five minutes for someone to greet you, then you know how painful it is to feel like you’re blending into the background. Alternatively, consider the agony you can suffer when you’ve sent a text to a friend, only to have it sit there “delivered,” but unanswered.
When you stop and think about it, though, why should you care so much about whether people notice you or not? After all, the people who know you might be busy and preoccupied with other things. It shouldn’t make a difference, either, whether people who don’t know you acknowledge your presence. And, in reality, aren’t there those times when you’d be just as happy to get in and out of someplace without having to stop and talk to anyone?
In positive psychology, the quality of “mattering” is considered, in the words of York University’s Gordon Flett and colleagues (2022) to be “a key psychological resource.” Although you might occasionally enjoy the cloak of invisibility, Flett et al. propose that feeling chronically insignificant can become a “meta-pathology” that can interfere with the ability to obtain “optimal health and well-being.”
According to the Canadian researchers, rather than simply feeling invisible, when you suffer from what they call “anti-mattering,” you define yourself as someone whose “personal identity is dominated by the sense of not mattering to others.” You adopt this identity as a shield for the specific reason of protecting yourself from the stress of being ignored or regarded as irrelevant by others. The “anti” here, literally means “against” mattering, not simply being low in the feeling that you matter.
In the words of the authors, anti-mattering “should be regarded as a unique and specific vulnerability unlike any other risk factor… [it] can become a cognitive preoccupation that is internalized and results in self-harm tendencies and an inability or unwillingness to engage in self-care.”
The anti-mattering stance can come from many sources, such as facing constant rejection from potential romantic partners, employers, or even those rude people who never reply to your texts. However, the Canadian researchers propose that its most likely source can be traced to early childhood experiences of neglect by distracted and unresponsive parents. The hard shell around your need to matter eventually forms so that even the worst experiences of rejection will fail to penetrate.
Unfortunately, the more resistant the shell becomes to rejection or dismissive treatment, the harder it is for others to get through to you. Rewarding relationships become that much more difficult to attain as others learn that it’s easier just to stay away from you.
To tap into the unique qualities of anti-mattering, the Canadian researchers set about to develop a new 5-item Anti-Mattering Scale (AMS). Across a series of studies using young adult and adolescent samples, Flett et al. first built and then compared their AMS to an existing “General Mattering Scale” (GMS) in its relationship to measures of depression, loneliness, and anxiety. You can best get a sense of what’s at the heart of anti-mattering by testing yourself on these five items (rate yourself from 1, not at all, to 4, a lot):
Most of the participants in the undergraduate sample scored between 7 and 15 on this scale, with an average of just about 11.
Key to the idea of the AMS is that it’s not just feeling unimportant (or low in mattering). These five items from the GMS show this nuanced difference. Rate yourself with the same scale as the AMS:
Participants tended to receive higher scores on the GMS than the AMS, with the average at 16 and the majority scoring between 13 and 18.
From these averages alone, you can see that it is more common for people to feel that they have a valuable role in the life of others than to feel that they are not worth anyone’s attention.
Now that you’ve tested yourself on AMS and seen how it differs from GMS, it’s time to turn to the psychological consequences of turning away from others as a self-protective mechanism. As shown in the Flett et al. findings, the patterns of scores on key indicators of mental health, including depression, loneliness, and anxiety, showed that anti-mattering wasn’t simply the opposite of mattering.
Most importantly, the findings across the young adult and adolescent samples confirmed the predicted relationship between anti-mattering and loneliness as well as the incremental effect on depression of high AMS vs. low GMS scores. This pattern reflects, in the words of the authors, “ties between low mattering and a maladaptive early schema reflecting disconnection and alienation from others.” Combined, high AMS and high loneliness scores produce what Flett et al. refer to as the “double jeopardy of feeling alone and insignificant.”
To sum up, feeling that you matter is clearly a contributor to positive mental health. Anti-mattering can become part of a larger identity in which you feel that you lack value to others, even contributing to a sense of marginalization. Although the York University findings established the negative consequences of anti-mattering among young adults and teens, this basic need appears to be one that can form an important cornerstone of healthy development throughout life.
TAKE AWAYS. . .
IF YOU TRULY BELIEVE THAT
E V E R Y O N E
M A T T E R S
no if’s
no and’s
no but’s
no except’s
no until’s
no or’s
(NO CONDITIONS)
PLEASE:
Never fail to
ACT LIKE IT
WHAT’S THE FIRST THOUGHT THAT COMES TO YOUR MIND WHEN YOU THINK OF SPIDERS. . .
K I N D N E S S
. . .right?
I can’t remember but one or two times over the past 27 years of Hospice work and 42 years of being an ordained minister that I’ve actually had the opportunity to talk with a group of men. MEN DON’T HAVE MEETINGS OR GROUPS. Three or four times, tops; this past Tuesday was one of those times. It was a group of men who gathered for breakfast after voting to hear me talk about TAPPING INTO YOUR SPIRITUALITY
The group was attentive, engaged and conversational. They gave me a standing ovation with my ending quote from George Washington Carver, “HOW FAR YOU GO DEPENDS ON BEING GENTLE TO THE YOUNG, COMPASSIONATE TO THE ELDERLY, SYMPATHETIC OF THE STRIVING AND TOLERANT TO THE WEAK AND THE STRONG. . .BECAUSE ONE DAY, ONE DAY, YOU WILL HAVE BEEN EACH OF THESE.”
Paul came up to me after this as I was standing around having coffee with these guys as they began filtering out of the room. He introduced himself to me and asked if he could give me a gift.
He told me that I had to pick one for myself and for my wife and then two more to share with two other people of my choosing
He handed me his typed out paper and told me that the first paragraph was his MISSION STATEMENT.
His eyes were kind and reminded me of my dad’s, not so much the color, but the soft kindness that glistened from them. He spoke softly and annunciated each word as he read the SPIDER INSTRUCTION SHEET to me. He offered me his hand and didn’t shake it so much as held it firmly between us when he told me, “I’m old. I know I can’t change the world, but hopefully by being kind to one person at a time, I can change them, make them have a better day and they can go and do the same for some one else.” I told him how much I liked his marketing plan, especially how he carefully implemented it so personally.
Any time I talk to a group of people I usually tell them that I am not here for the group today, I AM HERE FOR JUST ONE PERSON (and then I literally pause for as long as it takes me to look into the face/eyes of each person) I JUST DON’T KNOW WHICH ONE And I don’t. Little did I know when I showed up for a Men’s Breakfast Group that I WAS THE ONE that day.
K I N D N E S S
Comes to us all in so many different ways and when it does it often not only changes us ever so slightly but inspires us to do the same.
KINDNESS SPIDERS. . . ?
Well. . .here’s hoping it’s one web we all get caught up in
and never become disentangled ever again
I have shared this video several times for various presentations I have given
I have shared this video on a Monday morning blog post before, too
I have to have its message KNOWN to me again and to be reminded just how much I need to HEAR WHAT ANOTHER HEAR’S. . .
“Could a greater miracle take place than for us to look through each others’ eyes for an instant?” – Henry David Thoreau
Every day, every moment, is an opportunity to let go of what no longer serves us and let it die…
And to embrace what brings out the best in ourselves and others.
This video, “If We Could See Inside Each Others’ Hearts” is an opportunity to do that.
It is a profound look at life, in 4 minutes. This one will have you welling up with tears as the camera wanders and shows the inner lives of people around us as they do their daily tasks. Most of it is set in a hospital, where there is so much worry, sadness, some joy, bad news, good news, no news, anxiety, fear — just like our own lives. . .
Magnified
We’ve all been there. We’ve all experienced at least one of these people’s lives, and that’s what brings the message of this video so close to home.
We ALL have our stories. Others have theirs. But we never really know, we don’t fully connect, because most of us walk around keeping most of our thoughts and feelings to ourselves.
S T I L L
If we could see inside other peoples’ hearts, this is what we’d see. . .
Psssssssssssssssssssssst:
Look Again
(c l o s e r)
During this NATIONAL MONTH OF POETRY I have used poems that have inspired me to write poems. I began the month with a poem by Mary Oliver and could spend months using her poems that have countlessly inspired me not just to write but to pause, reflect, ponder what can’t always be seen, heard, tasted, smelled or touched but most deeply felt. . . here’s hoping it does the same for you in the NOWNESS of your TODAY:
It doesn’t have to be
the blue iris, it could be
weeds in a vacant lot, or a few
small stones; just
pay attention, then patch
a few words together and don’t try
to make them elaborate, this isn’t
a contest but the doorway
into thanks, and a silence in which
another voice may speak.
— Mary Oliver
They are no longer clouds
but brightly striped ribbons
blown free from packages
never quite opened
or worse
opened and neatly tucked away
in drawers that don’t easily open
seemingly safe
from any robber
any loss
any misplacement
and sadly
any use
These ribbons don’t know of a wind
that’ll wave back
in the harshest or gentlest of breezes
no matter how much
mind
you pay them
They dwell in sunlight
and more of an ahhhhhhhh
to any sunset
if but noticed
But for a Now
This Moment
recognized
so briefly
like confetti
gone in a sudden burp of air
They are seen
as a Comma
in a Pause
that refuses to be left behind
before a never ending sentence
ahead
JILL SUTTIE Psy.D., is Greater Good’s former book review editor and now serves as a staff writer and contributing editor for the magazine. She received her doctorate of psychology from the University of San Francisco in 1998 and was a psychologist in private practice before coming to Greater Good. Jill did a little digging around and found some interesting things about music and how it plays on our Empathy Bone
Music is a part of every culture around the world. In fact, the ability to appreciate music is built into our brains, suggesting music has an evolutionary function.
While listening to music just feels good, it also seems to increase social bonding. Some research suggests listening to music makes us more empathic toward other people, encouraging us to resonate with their feelings and care about their welfare. Music may also enhance our ability to consider what a person is thinking and feeling and to take their perspective—another aspect of empathy that can improve relationships.
Many music studies look at the long-term benefits of being a music listener or participating in a music program as a child. But can hearing music help us connect and empathize with someone right in the moment? A new study aimed to find out.
In this study, 60 university students were recruited to watch several 15-second videos in which a person recounts an autobiographical experience. In some cases, people in the video talked about a relatively mundane event, like moving into a new apartment, while other stories contained strong emotional content, like recalling a terrible accident or a loved one’s death.
While students watched these videos, the researchers randomly played either “emotionally neutral” music (such as Hans Zimmer’s “Redacted”) or very sad music (such as Dario Marianelli’s “Farewell”) in the background. After watching each video, the students expressed how they felt, how much compassion they had for the person in the video, and how much they wanted to help that person. They were also tested on their social reasoning skills—how well they understood the perspective of the person in the video. All of these could be signs of empathic connection.
Results showed that people watching the sad videos felt more sadness themselves (showing that they resonated with the other person’s feelings) and more compassion for the other person than those watching the neutral videos—not a big surprise. But these empathic feelings were strengthened by listening to sad music, leading to greater compassion for and willingness to help the person in the video.
“In a sense, there is a synergistic effect between having emotional background music and listening to an emotional narrative,” says lead researcher Brennan McDonald of Technical University Dresden in Germany. “Our social emotions are amenable to emotional enhancement through music.”
The music had no effect, however, on whether or not the students could reason about the other person’s experience and understand, cognitively, what they might be thinking or feeling. McDonald does not know why that would be, since past research seems to contradict that. But, he says, it makes sense that music might impact us more emotionally than intellectually.
“Music can produce powerful, genuine emotions across all of the emotions we can experience—fear, sadness, anger, and joy—and that may clue people into the emotions of the environment in which they find themselves and help them deal with social interactions,” he says. “But our ability to understand the thought process of another doesn’t seem to be as affected by music in the way that our emotions are.”
Why is this important to know? One major reason is that music surrounds us in our daily lives and may affect our feelings for others. Certainly, films capitalize on this, says McDonald, using music as a simple way to augment people’s empathy to care more about the welfare of their characters.
Using music to increase compassion more broadly is McDonald’s greater goal for this research. While music is not the only way to accomplish that—other art forms, like fiction and dancing, have also been shown to increase empathy, for example—music could be a powerful tool. After all, this study involved listening to just 15 seconds of emotional music, and it still made people care more about someone else and want to help them. Perhaps, if people listened to or played music together more, it could help build a more caring society.
“It would be very interesting to take our finding and extend it further, to see if music-making over a long period of time in a social context can enhance our real-world ability to empathize and feel compassion towards others, long-term,” says McDonald. “To test that is the next logical step.”
LISTEN UP
Kind of makes you think,
WHY Just Have your Toe’s Tapping
WHEN YOU CAN HAVE YOUR HEART
BEATING TO ANOTHER RHYTHM. . .
TUNE IN
T H I S
inspired
T H I S
It’s ugly
at first look
and first looks aren’t always reliable
or completely understood
Strips of love messages
that dangle into unjumbled knots
as we look at them
through unfocused eyes that see clearly
but not always plainly
The messages
that shout with voiceless whispers
and convey what no other missive
can share
Any communication of love
will leave an eye dampened
with a saltless tear
that neither drips or wipes away
leaving a stainless mark on the soul
We carry
most secretly until we meet
in a place that’ll never be described
understood
with a last breath here
and the first breath in the beloved
T H E R E N E S S
that brings us all together
in an ahhhhhhhhhh
of complete
Beautiugly Shaggy Wreath
w a y
There’s no such thing as a
ONE-SONG MUSICIAN
or a
FOUR-PERSON-ENSEMBLE with just
One Instrument
until there is. . .
and then a most awesome discovery is made:
WE ARE ALL
WALKING/TALKING ORCHESTRA’S
with waiting to play together
on one single instrument
begging to be played
Just which one of your
K E Y S
makes the greatest note. . . ?
Always the ONE
which brings the sweetest harmony
that comes from
P L A Y I N G
t o g e t h e r
(continuously)