Seriously what gives you that Christmas morning feeling?Is it music is a family friends is it presence?
Is it all the food? Is it kind of anti-climatic by the time we get to THIS Christmas morning and all of the feelings have come along with it?
You know, there’s an answer to all of those questions. . .
Three simple letters
Y O UWhat say
Y O U
May all of the Lights of this Day
be yours
to see
to be
to free
in you
for others
always for Others
so that all may know
That Christmas Morning Feeling
HAND IN HAND
North Royalton Christian Church is a parish I have served since January of 1995 and it has never had any more than 60 members since I’ve been there, in fact, we usually have 25-35 people every Sunday for our 10:00 worship service; we have another 200 that may tune in to watch via FaceBook Live. It’s small, very small and we usually spend more time drinking coffee and eating in the wonderful goodies folks bring in for Coffee Hour following the worship service. We may pack in a whopping 45-55 folks if we have a Potluck dinner but we really turn out when it comes to outreach or supporting a cause. On Christmas morning we’ll take down nearly two hundred pair of new gloves to St Augustine, a saintly place that feeds the homeless and the indigent. They’ll leave with a full stomach, bags of leftovers and some warm gloves for cold hands. . .
My hand shakes
can you still it
My hand is cold
can you warm it
My hand is extended
can you reach it
My hand touches
can you feel it
My hand is empty
can you fill it
A hand in a hand
never leaves it shaking
cold
unfelt
empty
A hand in a hand
a human interwoven tapestry
that completes a single One
to a single Another
Just because a hand is outstretched
doesn’t mean it’s going to be grasped
. . .offer it any
ways
or there’s another way to view it:
“Grandma how do you deal with pain?”“With your hands, dear. When you do it with your mind, the pain hardens even more.”“With your hands, grandma?”“Yes, yes. Our hands are the antennas of our Soul.When you move them by sewing, cooking, painting, touching the earth or sinking them into the earth, they send signals of caring to the deepest part of you and your Soul calms down.This way she doesn’t have to send pain anymore to show it.“Are hands really that important?”“Yes my girl. Think of babies: they get to know the world thanks to their touch.When you look at the hands of older people, they tell more about their lives than any other part of the body.Everything that is made by hand, so it is said, is made with the heart because it really is like this: hands and heart are connected.Think of lovers: When their hands touch, they love each other in the most sublime way.”“My hands grandma… how long since I used them like that!”“Move them my love, start creating with them and everything in you will move.
Fa-La-La-La-Whaaaaaaat?
W E L L. . .
are you ready to bring some
B A H
to everyone else’s
H U M B U G. . .
Hold on there, Sparky
before you pull the plug on all of the festivities
there just may be
Two Surprising Ways to Make Your Holidays Less Stressful
We can find joy even if the holiday season doesn’t live up to our expectations. . .
Christine Carter, Ph.D. is a Senior Fellow at the Greater Good Science Center. She is the author of The New Adolescence: Raising Happy and Successful Teens in an Age of Anxiety and Distraction (BenBella, 2020), The Sweet Spot: How to Accomplish More by Doing Less (Ballantine Books, 2015), and Raising Happiness: 10 Simple Steps for More Joyful Kids and Happier Parents (Random House, 2010). A former director of the GGSC, she served for many years as author of its parenting blog, Raising Happiness. She may put some twinkle in your tinsel with some of these simple suggestions to keep you going as A Caring Catalyst during this Holiday Season.
The holidays can be stressful. Often, there’s a lot to do and a lot to buy and a lot of people to see. Sometimes we get so busy we have a hard time enjoying events that we’re otherwise looking forward to.
But we can make this holiday season less stressful for ourselves. Below are two tips to enjoy the holidays more.
Accept that the holidays will probably be, at times, disappointing. . .
Bet you weren’t expecting that one! But acceptance is a strangely effective strategy for feeling happier and more relaxed at any time of the year. When we accept a person or a situation we find challenging, we let go of the resistance that creates stress and tension. There’s a lot of truth to the adage that “what we resist, persists.”
Here’s how this works. When someone or something is being a pain in your rear, take a deep breath and accept the situation. Say to yourself something like, “I accept that Jane is upset right now; I allow this situation to be as it is.” Then notice how you are feeling, and accept how you are feeling, as well. You can say to yourself, “I accept that I am feeling angry at Jane and disappointed. I allow my feelings to be as they are right now.”
If accepting a disappointing situation or person seems too hard for you, here are the handy alternatives you’re left with:
- You can judge and criticize others and the disappointing situation in general, and blame others for your own negative feelings. As a bonus, everyone around you will no doubt feel your judgment. Some people will likely feel wrongly accused, or like you are trying to “fix” them. You’ll achieve the dual outcomes of being hurtful to others while simultaneously making yourself feel tense and lonely.
- Another alternative to acceptance is to nurse your anxiety and despair over the situation through rumination. To ruminate effectively, think about what is wrong with the situation or person as often as possible. Don’t let yourself become distracted from the negative. Tell everyone what you don’t like about the situation or person. This will successfully amplify both your negative feelings and the difficulty of the situation.
- You can also definitely deny how difficult the situation is by pretending that nothing is bothering you. You can stuff your hard feelings down by drinking too much or by staying really, really busy and stressed. Simply avoid situations and people you don’t want to deal with, because that’s more important than participating in meaningful traditions and events.
Criticism, judgment, rumination, blaming, denial, and avoidance are almost like holiday rituals for some of us. But they are all tactics of resistance, and they won’t protect you. Ironically, these tactics will allow the disappointments or difficulties to further embed themselves into your psyche.
This is a long-winded way of pointing out that resistance doesn’t make us less stressed or more joyful in difficult situations. What does work is to simply accept that the circumstance is currently hard. We can accept a difficult situation, and still make an effort to improve things. This gentle acceptance does not mean that you are resigned to a miserable holiday, or that nothing you do will make the situation better. Maybe it will get better—and maybe it won’t.
Accepting the reality of a difficult situation allows us to soften. This softening opens the door to our own compassion and wisdom; and we all know that over the holidays, we are going to need those things.
Let go of expectations while turning your attention to what you appreciate. . .
Some people (myself included) suffer from what I think of as an abundance paradox: Because we have so much, it becomes easy to take our good fortune for granted. As a result, we are more likely to feel disappointed when we don’t get what we want than to feel grateful when we do.
This tendency can be especially pronounced during the holidays, when we tend to have high hopes that everything will be perfect and wonderful and memorable. You might have a fantasy of a sweet, close relationship with an in-law, for instance, or grand ideas about the perfect Christmas Eve dinner.
This sort of hope, as my dear friend Susie Rinehart has reminded me, can be a slippery slope to unhappiness: Hoping a holiday event will be the best-ever can quickly become a feeling that we won’t be happy unless it is, leading to sadness and disappointment when reality doesn’t live up to our ideal.
Unfortunately, the reality of the holidays is unlikely to ever outdo our fantasies of how great everything could be. So the trick is to ditch our expectations and instead notice what is actually happening in the moment. And then find something about that moment to appreciate.
Can you appreciate that your spouse did a lot of planning (or dishes, or shopping) this week? Do you feel grateful that you have enough food for your holiday table? Are you thankful for your health (or if your health is not great, that you are still here)?
It’s enough to notice and appreciate the small things, but when I’m having trouble with this, I like to practice an extreme form of gratitude that involves contemplating how fleeting our lives may be. There’s nothing like facing death to make us appreciate our lives—and sure enough, research finds that when people visualize their own death in detail, their gratitude increases.
If you feel stuck on what isn’t going well rather than what is, set aside some time to reflect on the following questions. Take each question one at a time, and try journaling an answer to each before moving on to the next one.
- What would I do if this were the last holiday season I had left to live? What would I do the same, and what would I do differently?
- What would I do if this were the last holiday season that my spouse, parents, or children had left to live? What would I do the same, and what would I do differently?
It’s a little heavy, I know, but contemplating death does tend to put things in perspective.
As the holidays approach, we will likely feel stressed and exhausted, but we need not feel like victims to this time of year. We often have a great deal of choice about what we do and how we feel. We can choose to bring acceptance to difficult situations and emotions, and we can choose to turn our attention to the things that we appreciate.
This holiday season, may we all see abundance when it is all around us—not an abundance of stuff, necessarily, but rather an abundance of love and connection. Even during the difficult bits.
There’s still a whole lot of
F A
to go along with your
L A
L A
L A
Hopefully this will help keep your
lights burning
b r i g h t
and bring you some
M E R R Y
M E R R Y
to share your cup of
C H E E R
FREEZE THE FRAME
We all have those
FREEZE THE FRAME MOMENTS
that make memories even more precious than they are
especially this time of the year. . .
This is one of my
FREEZE THE FRAME MOMENTS. . .
This picture of my sister and I was taken in front of my grandparents fireplace on a Christmas morning. I was two and my sister was 4. It was before my two other brothers were born. I have no idea what I got for Christmas that morning but I know the people who gave me the gifts loved me and even in death, still do which is
THE BEST GIFT OF ALL. . .
What’s your
FREEZE THE FRAME MOMENT?
No matter what they may have been
or even if they are in the making
it allows us to know that our
M E M O R I E S
mean
N O T H I N G
unless
L O V E
is attached to them
and then they are everything they are
everything they were
and everything they’re to become
FREEZE THE FRAME
and may your greatest memories
be those yet to be
f r a m e a b l e
A LITTLE SAINT NICK(Y) IN ALL OF US
D I S C L A I M E R
THIS NOT MY STORY
uhhhhh but I’m hoping in someway somehow it just might be!
A very Dear Friend sent this to me, please take a few moments during this busy time to read it. . .
“In 1979, I was managing a Wendy’s in Port Richey, Florida. Unlike today, staffing was never a real problem, but I was searching for a someone to work three hours a day only at lunch. I went thru all my applications and most were all looking for full time or at least 20 hours per week. I found one however, buried at the bottom of a four-inch stack that was only looking for lunch part-time. His name was Nicky. Hadn’t met him but thought I would give him a call and see if he could stop by for an interview. When I called, he wasn’t in but his mom said she would make sure he would be there.
At the accorded time, Nicky walked in. One of those moments when my heart went in my throat. Nicky had Downs Syndrome. His physical appearance was a giveaway and his speech only reinforced the obvious. I was young and sheltered. Had never interacted on a professional level with a developmentally disabled person. I had no clue what to do, so I went ahead and interviewed him. He was a wonderful young man. Great outlook.
Task focused. Excited to be alive. For only reasons God knew at that time, I hired him. 3 hours a day, 3 days a week to run a grill. I let the staff know what to expect. Predictably, the crew made sure I got the message, “no one wants to work with a retard.”
To this day I find that word offensive. We had a crew meeting, cleared the air, and prepared for his arrival. Nicky showed up for work right on time.
He was so excited to be working. He stood at the time clock literally shaking with anticipation. He clocked in and started his training. Couldn’t multi task, but was a machine on the grill. Now for the fascinating part…..
Back in that day, there were no computer screens to work from. Every order was called by the cashier. It required a great deal of concentration on the part of all production staff to get the order right.
While Nicky was training during his first shift, the sandwich maker next to him asked the grillman/trainer what was on the next sandwich. Nicky replied, “single, no pickle no onion.” A few minutes later it happened again. It was then that we discovered Nicky had a hidden and valuable skill.
He memorized everything he heard! Photographic hearing! WHAT A SKILL SET. It took 3 days and every sandwich maker requested to work with Nicky. He immediately was accepted by the entire crew. After his shift he would join the rest of his crew family, drinking Coke like it was water!
It was then that they discovered another Rainman-esque trait. Nicky was a walking/talking perpetual calendar! With a perpetual calendar as a reference, they would sit for hours asking him what day of the week was December 22, 1847. He never missed. This uncanny trait mesmerized the crew.
His mom would come in at 2 to pick him up. More times than not, the crew would be back there with him hamming it up. As I went to get him from the back, his mom said something I will never forget. “Let him stay there as long as he wants. He has never been accepted anywhere like he has been here.” I excused myself and dried my eyes, humbled and broken-hearted at the lesson I just learned.
Nicky had a profound impact on that store. His presence changed a lot of people. Today I believe with every fiber of my body that Nicky’s hiring was no accident. God’s Timing and Will is Perfect.
This Christmas, I hope we all understand what we are celebrating. We are all like Nicky. We each have our shortcomings. We each have our strong points. But we are all of value. God made us that way and God doesn’t make mistakes. Nicky certainly wasn’t a mistake. He was a valuable gift that I am forever grateful for.
We are celebrating the birth of the ONE that leveled the playing field for all of us. God doesn’t care if you are rich or poor, republican or democrat or black or white. He doesn’t care if your chromosome structure is perfect. He doesn’t care what level of education you have attained.
He cares about your heart. He wants us all to love and appreciate the gift HE gave us on Christmas, His son, the Savior, our salvation. His Son that was born to die for our sins. To pay our debt. To provide us a path for eternity. So this Christmas, let’s check our hearts. There is a little bit of Nicky in all of us and I suspect there is a Nicky somewhere in your life that is looking for the chance to be embraced. Be grateful for that!”
NO
THIS IS NOT MY STORY
it most likely isn’t your’s either. . .
but it
COULD BE
Reflect on these words from Donna Cameron:
Being kind—truly kind—is hard. Nice requires little effort. I can be nice while also being indifferent, critical, and even sarcastic. But I can’t be kind and be any of those things. Being kind means caring. It means making an effort. It means thinking about the impact I’m having in an interaction with someone and endeavoring to make it rich and meaningful—giving them what they need at that exact moment, without worrying about whether I get anything in return. It means letting go of my judgments and accepting people as they are. Kindness requires me to do something my upbringing discouraged—it demands that I reach out and that I take a risk . . . [that I] might be rebuffed, ignored, or disrespected.
A life of kindness is not something that I live only when it suits me. I’m not a kind person if I’m kind only when it’s easy or convenient. A life of kindness means being kind when it’s neither convenient nor easy—in fact, sometimes it might be terribly hard and tremendously inconvenient. That’s when it matters most. That’s when the need is greatest and transformation dances at the edge of possibility. That’s the time to take a deep breath and invite kindness
YES, PLEASE and THANK YOU
T H I S
is a picture that needs no caption
especially TIME of the year
when our already hectic lives go in to
C H A O S
m o d e
CRAZY ON STEROIDS. . .
where calm feels like just a word
but not a feeling
or another WAY. . .
which is why I dug deep into my files
and with the help of the
GREATER GOOD Editors
have provided some much needed
r e s p i t e
(IF YOU’LL TAKE IT TO HAVE IT)
Good Resources for Thriving Over the Holidays
Here are some articles that explore holiday stress management, managing conflict, picking gifts, making resolutions, and more. . .
The holidays can be rough—really rough at times; so here are literally dozens of articles and that try to help readers navigate the issues that arise when far-flung family members gather, everyone expects a present, and they all have an opinion. There are also some collected articles on making sense of this quickly-almost-gone-previous year and looking ahead to the new one. However you celebrate or are celebrated, here’s wishing you some severely-well-deserved-happy holidays!
Click to jump to a section:
Holiday stress management
New ways to think about gifting and celebration
The psychology of generosity and gratitude
Raising generous, grateful kids
Looking ahead to the new year
Holiday stress management
- Six Simple Practices to Handle Holiday Stress: James Baraz explains how you can really enjoy the holidays.
- How to Survive the Holiday Shmear: Do you take shame and fear with you to family gatherings? Eve Ekman has some tips to help you get a grip.
- How to Set Boundaries When You’ve Never Been Taught How: What if your family’s cultural values don’t embrace the concept of boundaries? Here are 14 tips for boundary setting this holiday season.
- For Hard Conversations, Families Fall Into Four Categories: Holidays can involve family conflict, especially after a divisive election. The solution is empathy, for yourself and others.
- Three Easy Strategies for Dealing with Difficult Relatives: How does your family know how to push your buttons? Because they installed them. Here’s how to take stress out of the holidays.
- Two Surprising Ways to Make Your Holidays Less Stressful: We can find joy even if the holiday season doesn’t live up to our expectations.
- A Few Small Ways to Fight the Holiday Blues: While many of us look forward to the winter holidays, they sometimes make us feel down. Here are ways to lift your mood.
New ways to think about gifting and celebration
- 13 Simple, Non-Materialistic Ways to Find Joy Around the Holidays: Here are some ideas for cost-free activities and traditions that can bring you delight, connection, and happiness this time of year.
- How Psychology Can Help You Choose a Great Gift: New research offers some guidance for giving the perfect gift—one that will strengthen your relationships.
- How to Overcome the Biggest Obstacle to Gratitude: We all take good things for granted, but we can take steps to keep gratitude alive.
- Four Tips for Mindful Eating Over the Holidays: It’s easy to overindulge during the holiday season. Here’s how to enjoy your food—without going too far!
- How Gratitude Beats Materialism: New studies reveal how to deliberately cultivate gratitude in ways that counter materialism and its negative effects.
- Eight Movies That Can Make Your Holiday More Meaningful: Here are movies that tackle some of the tough stuff behind the holidays with intelligence and wit.
- Why Seeing Beauty Matters, Even in the Midst of War: When people find themselves displaced from their homes, finding or creating beauty is a human impulse that brings hope and resilience.
- What Santa Can Teach Us About Children’s Brains: Yes, kids believe in Santa Claus—but they aren’t as gullible as you think.
The psychology of generosity and gratitude
- What Motivates You to Be Generous?: Recent research helps illuminate what’s going on in our heads when we choose to give or to hold back.
- How Our Brains Make Us Generous: A recent series of ground-breaking neuroscience studies suggest that empathy and altruism are deeply rooted in human nature.
- Why a Grateful Brain Is a Giving One: The neural connection between gratitude and altruism is very deep, suggests new research.
- Five Ways Giving Is Good for You: Here are some added incentives to get into the holiday spirit.
- How to Make Giving Feel Good: Studies show giving makes people happy, and happiness makes people give—but not always. Elizabeth Dunn and Michael Norton offer three ways to help people feel good about giving.
- Seven Tips for Fostering Generosity: It’s a time of giving. But can we make giving a way of life, all year round?
- How We Judge Other People’s Generosity—And Why It Matters: When we see a kind act, it might inspire us to be kind—depending on the emotions and judgments we have about it.
- Five Limits Your Brain Puts on Generosity: Research suggests that our brains may be wired for altruism, but there’s a catch—well, five of them, actually.
- Why We Need to Set Boundaries on Our Generosity: Generosity often begets fulfillment. But the best-intended giving mission can turn perilous if it undermines your well-being.
- The Science of Generosity: A white paper prepared for the John Templeton Foundation by the Greater Good Science Center.
Raising generous, grateful kids
- How to Inspire Your Kids to Be Generous: Parents can help their kids embrace the spirit of giving year-round, research suggests.
- How Generosity Shows Up in the Nervous System: New research explores how parenting and children’s physiology may influence how much they share.
- Why Are Some Children More Giving Than Others?: A new study finds the answer may lie with family income.
- Seven Ways to Foster Gratitude in Kids: Many parents and educators worry that today’s children are ungrateful. But new research suggests ways to turn the tide.
- Three Ways to Help Students Give Meaningful Gifts: Research has identified what makes some gifts more meaningful than others. Here’s how teachers can help their students get beyond elbow macaroni and glue.
Looking ahead to the new year
- How Thinking About the Future Makes Life More Meaningful: Research suggests that thinking about the future—a process known as prospection—can help us lead more generous and fulfilled lives.
- How to Make Your Year More Meaningful: Here are some steps you can take to find meaning in the previous year—and purpose in the next one.
- What Will the Theme of Your Life Be in the Next Year?: As you set goals for the new year, take a moment to consider your larger life narrative.
- Should You Let Go of Any Goals in the New Year?: Here’s how to predict which of your goals will feel meaningful and achievable.
- Make Self-Compassion One of Your New Year’s Resolutions: Many of us instinctively beat ourselves up for failing to meet our goals, but there is an alternative.
- How to Choose Goals That Make You Come Alive: Research on the components of well-being can help us choose goals that we’ll stick to.
- How to Make New Year’s Resolutions That Feel Good: Christine Carter offers three steps to success in keeping your New Year’s resolutions.
- How to Use Your Unconscious Mind to Achieve Your Goals: The most effective way to change your behavior for the better is to work in tandem with your unconscious mind.
- To Change Yourself, Change Your World: If you want to keep a New Year’s resolution, says the research, start by changing your environment.
- How Habits Can Get in the Way of Your Goals: Habits are key to achieving your goals—but only if you don’t get tired of them, research suggests.
- How to Avoid Slipping Back into Bad Habits: Making New Year’s resolutions? New research suggests you should prize the journey, not the destination.
It’s enough to just not get your wires crossed but to literally,
BLOW A CIRCUIT. . .
and here’s the biggest kicker of all,
it’s not that we don’t have the
R E S O U R C E S
of countless
WHAT TO DO’S
(uhhhhhhhhhhhh did you see how long this blog post is, already)
so much as utilizing them
plugging some of them in
and unplugging a few others
B U T
will you. . .
It just may be all of the difference between a really good or a really bad
h o l i d a y
(AND YOU GET TO CHOOSE. . .or let it CHOOSE FOR YOU)
Brrrrrrr is Never in Season
A small Unitarian Universalist church choir in Black Mountain, North Carolina (The Unitarian Universalist Congregation of the Swannanoa Valley) began making videos for their online services as a response to the Covid pandemic in April of 2020. Their choir director, Annelinde Metzner, used her experience as a compose and arranger to make videos using Garage Band and I-Movies, with rehearsals and recordings on Zoom. “We Are Lights” (The Chanukah Song) is a song for Chanukah that their choir performed in December 2021, with lyrics by Steve Young, music by Stephen Schwartz, and a 2006 arrangement by Mac Huff. They have added their own photographs symbolizing “Light” which give the words poignancy. . .and inspired the rest of this blog post celebrating Chanukah with Christmas just 13 days away. . .
It is THE Season of Lights. . .
Pssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssst:
L I G H T
is always in Season.
I love stories,
especially ones that start out:
THE STORY IS TOLD. . .
that there were six people trapped by pure Chance in the darkest of darks and the coldest of colds– but not without a
G R E A T S O L U T I O N
Each person, all six of them, had a stick of wood. . .
SO THE STORY IS TOLD. . .
Their dying fire needed just one thing as they huddled around it:
L O G S !
One woman who had a stick wasn’t about to give hers up. As she shivered and huddled around that dying fire, that dimming light, she was able to see the faces huddled/shivering being illuminated and because one of those faces was black, there’s no way she was going to give up her stick to warm THAT face up.
There was another sitting around that dying fire and saw the face of the one who’s mouth talked about a God he didn’t quite believe, there’s no way he was going to give up his stick to warm THAT face who’s mouth talked of a different belief.
The third one sat there around that dying fire in tattered clothes and pulled the well worn coat closer and more secure around him as he muttered under his breath, “There ain’t no way I’m giving my stick to this fire to warm these highfalutin rich folks.”
There was a rich man who just sat and thought of the wealth he had in store, and how to keep what he had earned from all of these lazy, shiftless poor; he would not be giving up the stick he had rightly earned.
The black man’s face was frowned all up in revenge as he held on to his stick even while the fire was flickering its very last flame; no way he was giving up that stick to people who had oppressed and kept he and his ancestors down. It was the spite that made him hold that stick almost as a weapon; serves these white folks right to die of cold.
The last man in this group, shivering harder now in the barely glowing embers, firmly believed you give ONLY IF FIRST GIVEN TO, so his cold hands held his even colder stick and would stay that way since no one else was going to offer up their sticks.
THE STORY IS TOLD. . .
S I X L O G S . . .
Six Logs held by six different
UN-SHARING
people who died. . .
w h o
WOULD RATHER DIE
than to
S H A R E. . .
The Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmm of the Season
is that they died not from the
Cold and the Dark
but something the much,
much worse:
The Cold and The Dark
I N S I D E
It is the Season of Lights. . .
Pssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssst:
L I G H T
is always in Season
A single little ember can Light a miracle. . .
There are many
CANDLE BLOWERS
OUT AND IN
T H E R E
Keep an inner Candle lit
so that the Miracle in your life
can find its way home again and not only
E N L I G T E N. . .
b u t
W A R M O T H E R S
along the way. . .
Eliminate
B R R R R R R R R R R R R R R R R R R R R R R R R R R R R R R
from ever having a Season. . .
A n y
L I G H T
that Shines
not only illuminates a path
. . .It Warms a Heart
BE A SEASON OF LIGHT
(if not always–o f t e n)
(BETTER STILL: ONE THAT NEVER ENDS!)
BE AN EVERLASTING
LIFESTYLE OF
L I G H T
EMPTY CHAIR’D
THE EMPTY CHAIR
Will stare you down
Glare back
Blink not
Because it holds the
h a l l o w e d
power of
M E M O R I E S
ANGUISH:
The lack of Blindness
that illuminates
The Empty Chair
at a Holiday Table
The best thing about an
EMPTY CHAIR
At the Table
Is that it has a Meaning
No other Emptiness
Could ever hold
or Capture
It WHISPERS:
I’m still here
It SHOUTS:
Remember When
The Blessing
of an
EMPTY CHAIR
Is it cradles what can’t be held
No Hurt
No Grief
No Pain
No Loss
No Emptiness
That’s caused by a power
Much stronger than all of those things
Together:
L O V E
There’s nothing that shouts louder
Than a Silent Space
There’s nothing more full
Than an
EMPTY CHAIR
A heart will always Shout
What a mouth can’t Whisper
EMPTY CHAIR
That reminds of scents
That holds little sense
That makes no cents
But always keeps us
To what Was
Tortured to what Is
Foreigners to what
For an Ever
Will always be
And the worst of the worst
The baddest of the bad
The grievous of the grief
isn’t
THE EMPTY CHAIR
It’s the
s m a l l e s t
slow rusting rotting
EMPTY CHAIR
that holds
what never was
reminding us
painfully
of all of the memories
that’ll never be
created
experienced
imagined
Leaving us
not only
Empty Chair’d
But Spilled OUT
Off our Rocker
POURED OUT
The only thing worse than getting
EMPTY CHAIR’D
is being
NO CHAIR’D
Forever leaving blank the phrases:
I REMEMBER THE TIME:
I’LL NEVER FORGET THE TIME:
or better yet,
WHAT ABOUT THE TIME:
. . .because the worst memories of all
ARE THOSE NEVER CREATED. . .
EMPTY CHAIR’D
SEEING BEAUTY THAT DOESN’T EXIST
Have you ever seen
BEAUTY THAT DOESN’T EXIST?
Let’s face it. . .
THE WORLD ISN’T ALWAYS A PRETTY PLACE
especially when it shows us
anything that could ever resemble even remotely
B E A U T Y
but maybe it’s time to rub your eyes
and take another look
A DEEPER GAZE
at what’s unblinkingly before us. . .
Some 60 days ago
the Israel-Hamas war began waging
to an almost unimaginable comprehension
near and far
FAR, FAR,
from anything we could label
B E A U T Y
but. . .
Seeing Beauty Matters,
Even in the Midst of War
When people find themselves displaced from their homes, finding or creating beauty is a human impulse that brings
hope and resilience. . .
Stephanie Acker from The Greater Good Magazine recently reported what we hoped but maybe, even now, still can’t comprehend. She pulls back the curtain to the following story:
A small group of children in Gaza sit on a lavender and white blanket around a small tray of beverages, singing “Happy Birthday” to a young girl. Like kids her age around the world, she wears a sweatshirt with prints of Elsa and Anna, characters from Frozen; unlike most kids, she’s celebrating against a backdrop of a war that, according to United Nations estimates as of November 10, 2023, has already killed more than 4,500 Palestinian children.
Celebrating anything might seem odd or even inappropriate in the face of so much devastation—and in the middle of what many are calling genocide.
However, in the research of refugees that Stephanie conducted with interdisciplinary artist and scholar Devora Neumark, they found that the urge to beautify one’s surroundings is widespread and profoundly beneficial—particularly so in the harrowing circumstances of loss, displacement, and danger.
When people find themselves displaced from their homes, finding or creating beauty can be just as vital as food, water, and shelter.
Gaza today
In the first six weeks of the Israel-Hamas war, 70% of Gaza’s 2.3 million residents have had to leave or have lost their homes.
Over half crowd into some type of emergency shelter, while others squeeze into relatives’ and neighbors’ homes. Food is scarce and increasingly expensive. According to the U.N., people are getting only 3% of the water they need each day. Much of the water they do have is polluted.
Crops are dying. Moms are not producing breast milk. People are getting sick. There are severe shortages of baby formula, as well as anesthesia for those needing surgery. The lack of space and overwhelming stress and fear add sleep to the list of things that are hard to come by.
These needs are urgent and essential. Without them, people will die. Too many already have, while the conditions for those who live are horrific. They make it hard to see much else.
But the endless images of bombs and blood hide the story of the life, colorand creativity that existed in Gaza. And they hide the beauty that persists despite war.
Beauty is often viewed as a luxury. But this isn’t the case. It’s the opposite.
A human impulse
Beauty has been a hallmark of every human civilization. Art philosopher Arthur Danto wrote that beauty, while optional for art, is not an option for life. Neuroscientists have shown that our brains are biologically wired for beauty: The neural mechanisms that influence attention and perception have adapted to notice color, form, proportion, and pattern.
We’ve found that refugees worldwide, often with limited or no legal rights, still invest considerable effort in beautifying their surroundings. Whether they’re staying in shelters or makeshift apartments, they paint walls, hang pictures, add wallpaper, and carpet the floors. They transform plain and seemingly temporary accommodations into personalized spaces—into semblances of home.
Refugees rearrange spaces to share meals, celebrate holidays, and host parties—to greet friends, hold dances, and say goodbyes. They burn incense, serve tea in decorative porcelain, and recite prayers on ornate mats. These simple acts carry profound significance, even amid challenges.
Urban studies scholars Layla Zibar, Nurhan Abujidi, and Bruno de Meulder have told the story of Um Ibrahim, a Syrian refugee. When she was pregnant, she and her husband transformed the tent they were issued at a refugee camp in the Kurdistan region of Iraq into home. They built brick walls. She planned paint colors and furniture. Around her, neighbors potted plants and set up chairs to create front porches on their temporary shelters to be able to gather with friends. They turned roads into places for celebrating special occasions. They painted a flag at the entrance of the camp.
They made a new home, but they also made it feel like it “used to in Syria.”
Creating hope in a hopeless place
The benefits of beauty are both practical and transformative, especially for refugees.
Many refugees experience trauma. All experience loss. Beautifying is a way to exert agency, grieve, and heal.
Simple acts—rearranging a home, sweeping the floor, or intentionally placing an object—allow refugees to infuse an area with their own identity and taste. They provide a way to cope when one has little control over anything else. Often, once someone is labeled a refugee, all their other identities are overshadowed or disappear.
Neumark’s study of over 200 individuals who experienced forced displacement found that beautifying the home helped heal intergenerational trauma caused by forced displacement.
Neumark observed that as children participated in efforts to beautify their home, it seemed to positively influence their own coping mechanisms and well-being.
Furthermore, if children could imagine their homes prior to displacement through the stories and images shared with them—what scholar Marianne Hirsch calls “postmemories”—then the actions taken to beautify their present-day homes could be transformative. They served as a bridge connecting the past with the present and facilitated the ongoing process of healing and preserving identity.
Ultimately, making a space feel more comfortable, secure, and personalized is a tangible expression of hope for a future.
Cultivating love and life
Even prior to the start of the Israel-Hamas war, Palestinians lived in the face of immense injustice and violence.
Their Palestinian research partner, who must remain anonymous for security reasons, described that their home in the refugee camp feels like living in jail, but that they still make it a beautiful place to live.
Prior to the start of the latest war, neighborhoods featured striking muralsand embellished walls. Intricate mosaics adorned buildings, and paint livened the facades of homes. Neighbors would gather to pray, putting on new clothes, spraying perfume, and burning incense to prepare for the rituals. As Christmas approached, Palestinian Christians, along with some Muslims, would decorate their homes. Both faiths would gather for annual tree lightings.
Geographer David Marshall described how youth living in a Palestinian refugee camp used beauty to focus on the positives in their environment and dream about a future beyond their camp—and the walls that constrained their lives.
In their community-based storytelling project in a Palestinian refugee camp this past summer, they witnessed the commitment to making homes beautiful in the thriving gardens that were created within very crowded quarters. Neighbors shared how their gardens calm them, provide a place to gather with friends, and serve as a reminder of fields they once tended.
In her 2021 research, Corinne Van Emmerick, a Ph.D. candidate in sociology, described Fatena, a Palestinian who was living in a refugee camp. She had flowers on everything—the roof, walls, and windowsills. They were expensive and needed “lots of love.” But, Fatena added, they gave her “love back.”
A form of resistance and resilience
One Guinean refugee interviewed as part of Neumark’s study said, “As refugees we lose our sense of beauty, and when that happens, we lose our sense of everything, of life itself.”
If the opposite of this is true, then clearly beauty cannot be thought of as superficial or an afterthought. One study of Bosnian refugees found that their ability to notice beauty was a sign of improved mental health.
Creating, witnessing, and experiencing beauty offers a connection to the familiar, works to preserve cultural identity, and fosters belonging.
It’s what ensures that a little girl in Gaza not only has her birthday celebrated, but that it is also made as beautiful as possible.
So. . .
do you see
BEAUTY
in the
B O T C H E D. . .
BRING YOUR PAINT BRUSH
. . .let your strokes be broad and bold
SHOW A BEAUTY
that muddied
can still never be besmirched. . .
(Devora Neumark, an interdisciplinary artist and researcher whose trauma-informed work explores the intersections between a home beautification and the human experience in the context of displacement, contributed to writing this article.
This article is republished from The Conversation under a Creative Commons license. Read the original article.)
YOUR REMEMBER WHEN’ER
This video has been making it’s rounds as the Holiday season is in full force unfolding before us. No matter what we believe or in what various moods/feelings we are treading or at times, seemingly drowning in, Holidays or not, it goes to the heart of our remembering, our once upon a times, that at times feels like hugging a porcupine and yet we squeeze all the more harder to keep those memories close and to actually do all we can to bring them back to vivid, living color so that we can feel all that is good, all that is love, all that once upon a time was. . .
Sometimes it’s not so much
WHAT YOU REMEMBER
as
T H A T
you are
R E M E M B E R E D. . .
Memories are precious
and the only things more important:
THE MEMORIES YET TO BE CREATED. . .
this holiday season
May your greatest memories
be those you’ve yet to create
(but undoubtedly will)
Let your Remember’er
bring you
what
THE NEW
sometimes can never quite promise
(and may your Remember’er do it often)
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