The Caring Catalyst

Who Cares - What Matters

L I S T E N

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Listening doesn’t always mean Hearing

Sometimes when you Listen with more than you Ears you’ll hear the most amazing things. . .

Can Deep Listening Heal Our Divisions?

For bridge-builders in the U.S., the way forward is to engage deeply across lines of difference.

 SIMON GREER a freelance journalist recently wrote in The Greater Good a timely article that takes a look at the importance of LISTENING more DEEPLY and Speaking/Shouting (JUST) less. . .

At the start of 2021, five very different college campuses kicked off a program called Bridging the Gap. The program is focused on deep listening as the basis for effective communication across lines of difference. The promise of the course is that if we engage the “other,” listen to all stakeholders, and lead with humility and curiosity, then we can better solve the pressing issues facing our nation.

This has been a truly unique time to try to teach bridge-building and promote the notion that the heroes are the bridge-builders. It is a tribute to the students on these very different campuses—schools as liberal as Oberlin College and as conservative as Spring Arbor University—that they have leaned into this approach and these practices at a moment when our democracy seems to be tearing itself apart.

As recently observed the inauguration of Joe Biden as the 46th president of the United States, our country is on edge. So far, the new year has seen violence in our nation’s capital, a second impeachment, and political fractures at the highest levels, further rattling a nation already pummeled by a pandemic, economic collapse, and political polarization not seen since the Civil War. There is a feeling of fear, and maybe even panic, as we hold our breath and pray for a peaceful transfer of power today.

So, in that context, it might be hard to imagine engaging in deep listening across lines of difference. It might even seem counterintuitive. There is a legitimate fear that this “other” might not just disagree with you, or even fundamentally challenge your core values—they might actually be dangerous.

So now the question remains, now what? If you aren’t going engage deeply with those we might call the “other,” then what is your plan? Unfriend everyone on social media who doesn’t belong to your political party? Support your state in seceding from the union? Turn your home into a fortified bunker? Immigrate to Canada?
LEARN A NEW WAY TO LISTEN/COMMUNICATE?

The most concerning part for many is that underneath the multiple political crises in our country today, there is an even more foundational crisis: our lack of 100% commitment to each other’s humanity and the lack of faith in people that results from that.

As Bryan Stevenson, author of Just Mercy, believes about people on death row: “They are more than the worst thing they have ever done.” And so I would ask us for a moment to consider the application of that principle to these 75 million Americans who voted for President Trump and the 81 million who voted for Joe Biden. While many of us have been convinced by the wisdom that people on death row are better than their worst deed, we are still quick to condemn “those voters” as worse than their worst vote. Why have we, so far, been unwilling and unable to apply Stevenson’s teaching here in the political context?

In the face of the political, economic, and cultural trends that have been heaving us in this direction for some years now, I have been inspired to return to my roots—to my deep faith in people, to a humble curiosity about why people think the way they think, to a sense of wonder as to how we construct our realities, to the brutal truth of what so many face as they try to get through each day, to the courage to meet and accept people where they are, and to the practice of deep listening.Bridging the Gap students.

Bridging the Gap (BTG) was piloted at the beginning of 2020 with 17 students from Spring Arbor University and Oberlin College. According to the prevailing societal perceptions and stereotypes, Oberlin students are condescending, liberal snowflakes; conversely, Spring Arbor students carry the label of hate-filled, conservative evangelicals—and, according to this narrative, both should see the other as their enemy. But BTG’s premise is that the heroes can be the bridge-builders. So we brought together these two groups of people, who were expected to deeply disagree with each other, to build relationships, listen deeply, and explore the very issues that might drive them apart. 

Here are some of those recent findings and hope as this project goes forward:

Learning to listen with our whole bodies

The initial invitation purposefully set the tone for the entire experience. The genuine INTENTIONS:

  • take seriously what others hold dear; 
  • be curious about why people think the way they do; 
  • believe we are enhanced by proximity to points of view we disagree with; and, 
  • stay open to finding common ground or, at the very least, disagreeing not with mere tolerance but with true respect and even love.

 Building on this invitation, and before students from each college met, there was a mutual investment in intensive skills-building, so that their eventual meeting would be profoundly different from what they’ve grown used to in discourse and politics. 

One of the first skills that was taught was “listening.” While listening may seem like an obvious and easy task, the truth is very few of us have formal training in listening. And while we think it’s as simple and automatic as breathing, the truth is that true listening takes training, practice, and a deep commitment. 

When someone else is speaking, it’s easy to daydream, plan replies, get distracted by judgment, and interrupt with self-centered questions or quick-fix solutions. Listening deeply means silencing that noise, listening not just with your ears but with every sense you’ve got, every cell in your body. It means listening to all that is said and unsaid, to the body language, the tone, the eye movement. It’s full-body listening. 

This type of listening builds trust, opens doors, and offers a path to deep discovery and a sacred connection that forms the basis for new understandings and otherwise unimaginable possibilities. Study after study shows in sector after sector—in medicine, marriage, real estate sales, and more—that true listening generates better results. And yet most of us go through our entire education without having learned how to do it.

With this foundation of intention and training, the group moved into the realm of feedback. Often in efforts to bridge across deep divides, there is either a desire to avoid the “tense stuff” for fear of damaging the relationship, or to go hard at the most fraught areas to prove our own commitments and defend deeply held values. 

The BTG project model resisted both urges. Their approach was to invest in the relationships, knowing that the capacity to disagree constructively is directly tied to the strength of the relationship. So, we didn’t tackle the hardest things first—but we were also totally up front that we aren’t afraid of those things and don’t mean to sweep them under the rug. We promised that the group would come to them, in time. We also taught an approach to giving feedback that distinguished between experience and interpretation. This approach emphasizes disclosure rather than accusation, and it offers a common framework that supports participants having hard conversations in a structured manner where everyone knows how to engage.

This group also stayed away from the most common tools used in debates or disagreements, which is to throw out statistics and facts to prove a point. Instead, BTG used storytelling as a way of going deeper and diffusing tensions that might cause someone to get locked into their position. Our goal was to open up space for the type of dynamic tension that can create motion and unleash new and positive energy. 

Storytelling is a way to express beliefs and where they come from, humanizing a potential “opponent” in our eyes and vice versa. The group kept it simple but taught that good storytelling includes telling your story like a good play, in three acts: 

  • meet the characters; 
  • understand the challenge or conflict; 
  • seek the resolution. 

Additionally, it encouraged students to show and not just tell. For instance, not just saying “the movie was funny,” but sharing a line that actually made you laugh. 

Meeting with the “other”

The encounter is where the rubber hit the road! This is when the students met and applied all the skills they’d learned about how to build bridges, communicate constructively, and cultivate relationships with the “other.”

What underpinned this phase were a handful of crucial and, perhaps, unorthodox principles. To begin, it was decided to start with values and stories, rather than immediately taking on a hot-button issue, to get to know the person across the table. We encouraged students to learn about each other’s background and to try and understand what makes them tick, whose shoulders they stand on, and why they see the world the way they do. 

In fact, in the first group activity, they used 21/64’s deck of 50 Picture Your LegacyTM cards with images on them and asked the students to sort through them to find the three images that most reflect the values they try to live by and the way they try to lead their lives. Then we asked them to find the three cards that resonated least with their values and how they try to lead their lives. The students shared their top and bottom cards with the group, and they worked together to look for areas of alignment or disagreement, seek out patterns, and try to get to know each other at the level of values.

It was made sure participants were staying in motion. These issues are big, they’re complex, and they’re stuck. It is strongly believed that physically keeping things moving could help make students feel more open and receptive to different beliefs and opinions. It also was made sure to mix up the groups and their sizes, composition, and dynamics. This helped keep the positive energy alive without leaving anyone trapped in a dead-end conversation.

Many experts agree that upwards of 80% of all communication is nonverbal. So, we wanted to include exercises that allowed students to express themselves without speaking, especially when they were beginning to tackle more divisive topics. 

For instance, they wanted to explore where there were strong, divergent opinions and even sharp disagreements. To do this, they used an activity called “Lay It on the Line,” where they would start with a statement, such as “I believe in each American citizen’s unrestricted right to bear arms.” Students would then physically, and silently, position themselves along a spectrum with “strongly agree” on one end and “strongly disagree” on the other. This nonverbal, but revealing, exercise gave insight into where there may be great (and surprising) splits. They could start to explore those gaps without locking into a debate-style format. Students observed their peers moving in unexpected ways, patterns were upended just as they were revealed, and gradations were stark just as we moved quickly through the questions before labels could take hold. 

As mentioned, they were not trying to approach this project using the standard format and techniques—they know that hasn’t worked so far. They wanted to set up conversations with unusual and unexpected content. The approach was to selectively tackle controversial issues head-on. 

For example, they viewed a film called Belief, where people as diverse as New York Times columnist David Brooks, Megan Phelps-Roper (granddaughter of the founder of Westboro Baptist Church), and Illyasa Shabazz (daughter of Malcolm X) shared their relationship to belief, love, God, and the soul. The speakers had competing perspectives, and afterward we asked students to break into small groups to “share a time when your beliefs informed a private decision in your life.” After some discussion of the private realm, then they turned to the public square and asked, “How does your belief system influence your positions on important public policy issues?”  

In a group of Christians and non-Christians, this was potentially quite divisive territory. But these discussions were set up as an invitation to reflect on beliefs, and the role of beliefs in constructing worldview and the “why?” underneath stances on issues. Perhaps as a result, they did not become arguments. Instead, the conversations were places for students to disclose how they think and convey their truths. Those truths then interacted with other different truths and the complexity of who we are was revealed.

From listening to policy

The last phase of the program was to bring the skills and the encounter to bear on a pressing and contentious policy issue to see what might be possible when we apply this approach. 

We selected criminal justice and utilized the BTG multi-stakeholder approach. Just as we had skillfully encountered “the other” in the second phase of the program, now they encountered all sorts of “others” as they met with stakeholders from across the criminal justice system. Corrections officers to people who are incarcerated, the formerly incarcerated and the corrections officer’s union, the reform advocates to the head of the Department of Corrections, the legislators who approve the budget for corrections—we met them all.

It was not lost on students that these stakeholders don’t ever sit down all together and that their caricatures of each other can often be quite limiting, especially as they seek political and policy solutions to complex problems.

Students quickly understood that you are only enhanced, not diminished, by hearing from the full range of stakeholders, even if you deeply disagree with their perspective. It became clear that when you miss an important stakeholder’s voice, it not only generates resistance from those who feel left out, and may be crucial to successful implementation, but results in blind spots as you miss key factors and interests in the system as it is. 

And, most importantly, you might well miss deeply buried opportunities for common ground where the most unlikely of allies might discover that, even if they don’t like each other, they have common interests. 

Through the policy-application phase and up until their final presentations, the students kept encountering these opportunities. If our criminal justice system is failing with both painfully high recidivism rates among those who are incarcerated and the highest suicide rates of any profession among those who work in prisons, then shouldn’t the fact that the system is killing the two largest stakeholder groups be a first step toward common ground?

Listening over the long run

If I’m completely honest, I stand stunned from time to time while listening to “the other side.” Often, they seem to live in a completely different country from the one I live in. But I severely make every attempt to LISTEN

To get beyond this crippling divisiveness, we must seek out a deeper understanding of the call for unity, the spirit of unity, the intention of unity. It isn’t that the intention is wrong, far from it. The problem is that unity fails when it is understood solely as an intention. Unity must not be just a principle. Unity must be a practice. 

Bridging the Gap is about practice, more than it’s about language or beliefs. If we are going to find unity again in our country, we need to practice it. Those who practice it we call bridge-builders. When they are viewed as our heroes, not the sell-outs or villains, then our culture will be well on its way to repair and healing. The good news is that more and more college students are hungry for it.

Maybe the best way to end this particular blog post is to quote, the late, great Larry King who once said,
“I NEVER LEARNED ANYTHING WHILE I WAS TALKING”

That Kindness Beat

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What’s the song
—your song—
that you’re giving,
teaching the world to hear,
hum
 As the world fights to figure everything out,
Political unrest
COVID,
BLM,
Life. . .
It’s an easy question
for the current moments
as we quickly leave the Holiday’s
(WHAT HOLIDAY’S)
way out of the sight of our rear view mirrors:
DO YOU WANT TO HAVE A GREAT MONDAY. . . ?
DO YOU WANT A GUARANTEED MOST AWESOME LIFE. . . ?
Be Bold Enough
T R Y
Holding doors for strangers
Letting people cut in front of you in traffic
Keeping babies entertained in grocery lines
Stopping to talk to someone who is lonely
(or someone who’s not)
Tipping generously
Sharing food
Giving children (and the Children in all of us)
a thumbs-up
Being patient with sales clerks and tired waitresses
Smiling at passersbys
Complimenting strangers. . .
W H Y ?
Because
from now on
standing to live in a world
where love is invisible
is no longer acceptable. . .
Join me in
BEING
k i n d n e s s
PERSONIFIED COMPASSION
Understanding
judging less. . .
Be kind to a stranger
give grace to people who may be having a bad day
(assuming that everyone you meet might be having their worst day ever)
Be forgiving with yourself.
If you can’t find kindness
(because it hides sometimes better than showing off it’s bad self)
BE KINDNESS
Person by Person
Put down forever
the gavel of judgement
and it that hallowed
S i L e N c E
HEAR PEACE
That KINDNESS BEAT
that’ll do much more than get your foot tapping
. . .it’ll get it
MARCHING
in a new direction
HEAR YE,
HEAR YE. . .

A POEM OF US

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Quite a lot to stand up at
Attention
Salute
and notice these past few days
all in a word
U N I T Y
but like most
w o r d s
they mean little
until they take on a meaning
far past
and deeper
than an ear can hear
a mouth can shout
or a mind, understand. . .
Maybe that’s an odd definition of a Poem
but when it’s
E X P E R I E N C E D
hearing or reading it
doesn’t matter
until it does
. . .until it does BOTH

Amanda Gorman’s Inaugural Poem
“THE HILL WE CLIMB”

Amanda Gorman became only the sixth inaugural poet in history,  and the youngest ever, on Wednesday when she read her poem “The Hill We Climb” after the swearing-in of President Joe Biden and Vice President Kamala Harris.

Gorman’s poem – written at least partially in the aftermath of the insurrection at the U.S. Capitol Building on Jan. 6 – weaves the soaring language typical of inaugural poems past with sharp, syncopated lines about events from just days ago.

The Inaugural Poem has become a tradition for Democratic presidents since John F. Kennedy’s inauguration in 1961, when Robert Frost read his poem “The Gift Outright.”

At his first inaugural address in 1993, President Bill Clinton invited Maya Angelou to read her poem “On the Pulse of Morning.” Poet Miller Williams read at Clinton’s second inauguration, and Barack Obama had readings by poets Elizabeth Alexander and Richard Blanco at both of his ceremonies.

Gorman, a 22-year-old Harvard graduate, became the country’s first National Youth Poet Laureate in 2017. She is the author of the poetry book “The One for Whom Food is Not Enough.”

“Mr. President, Dr. Biden, Madam Vice President, Mr. Emhoff, Americans and the world: When the day comes we ask ourselves, ‘where can we find light in this never-ending shade, the loss we carry, a sea we must wade?’

We’ve braved the belly of the beast, we’ve learned that quiet isn’t always peace. And the norms and notions of what just is isn’t always justice. And yet the dawn is ours before we knew it, somehow we do it. Somehow we’ve weathered and witnessed a nation that isn’t broken, but simply unfinished.

We, the successors of a country and a time where a skinny Black girl descended from slaves and raised by a single mother can dream of becoming president only to find herself reciting for one.

And yes, we are far from polished, far from pristine, but that doesn’t mean we are striving to form a union that is perfect. We are striving to forge our union with purpose. To compose a country committed to all cultures, colors, characters and conditions of man.

And so we lift our gazes not to what stands between us, but what stands before us. We close the divide, because we know to put our future first, we must first put our differences aside. We lay down our arms so we can reach out our arms to one another. We seek harm to none and harmony for all.

“Let the globe, if nothing else, say this is true: that even as we grieved, we grew; that even as we hurt, we hoped; that even as we tired, we tried; that we’ll forever be tied together victorious, not because we will never again know defeat but because we will never again sow division. 

Scripture tells us to envision that ‘everyone shall sit under their own vine and fig tree and no one shall make them afraid.’ If we’re to live up to our own time, then victory won’t lie in the blade but in all the bridges we’ve made.

That is the promise to glade, the hill we climb if only we dare it, because being American is more than a pride we inherit – it’s the past we step into and how we repair it. 

We’ve seen a force that would shatter our nation rather than share it, would destroy our country if it meant delaying democracy. And this effort very nearly succeeded. But while democracy can be periodically delayed, it can never be permanently defeated.

In this truth, in this faith we trust for while we have our eyes on the future, history has its eyes on us. This is the era of just redemption we feared at its inception.

We did not feel prepared to be the heirs of such a terrifying hour, but within it we found the power to author a new chapter, to offer hope and laughter to ourselves. So while once we asked ‘how could we possibly prevail over catastrophe,’ now we assert: ‘how could catastrophe possibly prevail over us?’

We will not march back to what was, but move to what shall be: a country that is bruised but whole, benevolent but bold, fierce and free. We will not be turned around or interrupted by intimidation because we know our enaction and inertia will be the inheritance of the next generation.

Our blenders become their burdens but one thing is certain: If we merge mercy with might, and might with right, then love becomes our legacy in change, our children’s birthright.

So let us leave behind a country better than the one we were left. With every breath from my bronze-pounded chest, we will raise this wounded world into a wondrous one. We will rise from the gold-limbed hills of the west, we will rise from the winds swept north, east where our forefathers first realized revolution. We will rise from the lake-rinsed cities of the midwestern states. We will rise from the sun-baked South. We will rebuild, reconcile, and recover in every known nook of our nation and every corner called our country, our people diverse and beautiful will emerge battered and beautiful.

When day comes, we step out of the shade, aflame and unafraid. The new dawn blooms as we free it. For there is always light if only we’re brave enough to see it, if only we’re brave enough to be it.”

A Poem
uses words
Great Poems inspire actions
which transpires them. . .
T H A T
we may all be more
ADJECTIVES
than NOUNS
are never anything less
than Words
actually becoming Flesh
giving words and actions
a deeper
longer-lasting
M E A N I N G
leading down
a-not-so-overly-familiar-road
to a day
that can’t be found or contained
on a calendar. . .
Great is the Day:

May the words
New
Beginning
Unity
be the Colorful Threads
that find themselves
in Each of our Tapestries
that fly high
in a gentle breeze of
CHANGE
(always for the better)

A Poem of
U S
never has to rhyme
to give us
R E A S O N


INAUGURATED

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C O N G R A T U L A T I O N S
THIS IS YOUR DAY
not a personal
Christmas
Birthday
Memorial Day
Independence Day
Easter
Passover
Hanukkak
Kwanzaa
Labor Day
Halloween
Thanksgiving
New Year’s
No, no. . .
It is YOUR INAUGURATION DAY
Y O U R S
THE DAY
you will begin to bring a phase of
U N I T Y
the likes
you or no one else has ever experienced,
YOU

The inaugural speech that will be given in just a few mere hours is likely to echo calls for unity that predecessors have invoked since the first time George Washington was sworn in.

“Unity has always been an aspiration,” says presidential historian Douglas Brinkley. “It seems like whenever we have foreign policy flare-ups, we use the word freedom. But when we have domestic turmoil we use the word unity.”

The United States was forged through compromise among factions that disagreed profoundly on slavery, regional influence and the relative powers of state and federal government. When Washington assumed office in 1789 he cited the blessings of providence in noting that “the tranquil deliberations and voluntary consent of so many distinct communities, from which the event has resulted, cannot be compared with the means by which most governments have been established.”

Jefferson was the third U.S. president, and the first whose rise was regarded by opponents as a kind of emergency. The 1800 election won by Jefferson marked the beginning of competing political parties — Jefferson was a leader of the Democratic-Republican Party, losing incumbent John Adams a Federalist — and critics regarded the new president as a dangerous atheist. “JEFFERSON — AND NO GOD!!!” was how one Federalist paper described Jefferson’s candidacy. Adams did not attend the inauguration, a breach rarely repeated although Trump has vowed to do the same.

“Let us then, fellow citizens, unite with one heart and one mind,” Jefferson urged in his address. “We are all republicans: we are all federalists. If there be any among us who would wish to dissolve this union, or to change its republican form, let them stand undisturbed as monuments of the safety with which error of opinion may be tolerated, where reason is left free to combat it.”

Supreme Court Chief Justice John Marshall, a Federalist who administered the oath of office to Jefferson, wrote later that the speech was “in the general well judged and conciliatory.”

Lincoln’s pleas were more dire, and tragically unmet, despite what historian Ted Widmer calls his “genius to combine urgency with literary grace.” Seven out of 11 future Confederate states had seceded from the U.S. before he spoke, in March 1861, over fears he would end slavery. The Civil War would begin a month later. “We are not enemies, but friends,” Lincoln had insisted, reminding fellow Americans of their “mystic chords of memory” while also warning that resistance to the will of voters would destroy democracy.

“A majority held in restraint by constitutional checks and limitations, and always changing easily with deliberate changes of popular opinions and sentiments, is the only true sovereign of a free people. Whoever rejects it does of necessity fly to anarchy or to despotism,” he said.

Historian David Greenberg, whose books include “Nixon’s Shadow” and “Republic of Spin,” cites Richard Nixon’s inaugural in 1969 as another speech given at a time of social turmoil. The U.S. was violently divided over the Vietnam War and civil rights, and Nixon himself had long been seen as an unprincipled politician exploiting fears and resentments — appealing to what he would call “the silent majority.” His speech at times was openly and awkwardly modeled on the 1961 inaugural of John F. Kennedy, who had defeated Nixon in 1960.

“We are caught in war, wanting peace. We are torn by division, wanting unity,” Nixon stated. “We cannot learn from one another until we stop shouting at one another — until we speak quietly enough so that our words can be heard as well as our voices.”

Some presidents asked for unity, others asserted it.

Franklin Roosevelt, elected in a landslide in 1932 during the Great Depression, said in his first inaugural speech: “If I read the temper of our people correctly, we now realize as we have never realized before our interdependence on each other.” Four years later, having won by an even greater landslide, he declared the country had “recognized” a need beyond financial help, a “deeper” need, “to find through government the instrument of our united purpose.”

Unity can prove more imagined than real. When James Buchanan spoke in 1857, three years before the Civil War, he claimed that “all agree that under the Constitution slavery in the states is beyond the reach of any human power except that of the respective states themselves wherein it exists.” Rutherford B. Hayes, whose presidency was marked by the retrenchment of federal troops from the post-Civil War South and ongoing resistance from Southern whites to equal rights for Blacks, declared during his 1877 inaugural that true peace could be achieved through the “united and harmonious efforts of both races” and the honest work of local self-government.

“A president often claims the country is ‘united’ behind a belief when it’s more wishful thinking than reality,” Widmer says. “I’m not sure how many Americans wanted to do something for their country after JFK asked them to — although there were impressive new kinds of volunteers, like the Peace Corps. And I think that many Americans still appreciated help from the government, even after Ronald Reagan declared that ‘government is the problem.’ “

So let’s have it. . .
what’s your speech
what are you going to say to
unify
validate
inspire
motivate
guide

What will you Legislate in your Personal Constitution:

What will you Amend into Law

Before you BRING HOPE
who will you look to
GET HOPE. . .

NOW THAT’S AN INAUGURAL STATEMENT
let it begin in the very Soul of
US
and beat from the very Heart of
US

BOO-HOO

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T I S S U E. . . ?

boo-hoo

verb

  bü-ˈhü  , ˈbü-ˌhü \variants:  or boohooor less commonly boo hooboo-hooed or boohooed; boo-hooing or boohooing

Definition of boo-hoo

intransitive verb: to weep loudly and with sobs … even the impeccable Lord Jeffrey, editor of the Edinburgh Review, confessed to having cried—blubbered, boohooed, snuffled, and sighed—over the death of Little Nell in The Old Curiosity Shop.— Tom WolfeJoey kept boo-hooing like a real idiot.— Christopher Paul Curtis—often used as an interjection especially in mocking imitation of another’s tears, complaints, unhappiness, etc.Before she finished her question, one twin and then the other began to cry. “Boohoo, boohoo,” Ernie mocked. “I’m not staying with crybabies.”— Nancy Smiler LevinsonHe said as long as I was being so pure, why not give her the real scoop on her old man? I said because it would crush her. Boo hoo, he said.— George Saunders

Other Words from boo-hoo

boo-hooor boohoonoun, plural boo-hoos or boohoos … the tough Garden crowd reacted with boos instead of boo-hoos. — Richard Johnsonboo-hooingor boohooingnoun “Woman: cease this detestable boohooing instantly; or else seek the shelter of some other place of worship.” — George Bernard Shaw No one feels good after being dumped. The loudest boo-hooing seems to be coming from young people … — Jane Bryant Quinn

Uhhhhhh. . .Maybe this is a better graphic definition of
BOO-HOO-ING. . .
what Ben Rothlisberger and all of Steeler Nation

did this past Sunday night when the Cleveland Browns,
decimated with COVID19 breakouts and injuries
severely upset the Steelers. . .
Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh the Pain
Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh the Shame
until very early Monday Morning
right after I got to the inpatient hospice unit
where a patient had just died
moments before I encountered his son
in the hallway. . .

My tears were still wet and and now cold and still too salty for any kind of good flavoring from the hours earlier beat down of my favorite team
natural because I was born in bred less than 30 minutes
from Heinz Field
I know, I know, BOO-HOO
The Browns not only beat but embarrassed and eliminated the Steelers on this God-forsaken Sunday night. . .
Ohhhhhhhhhhhh the pain of the grief;
the shame. . .
No matter which way you spin it, it doesn’t make a difference. . .
until the difference
makes all the difference
in a world that values even a smidgen of CARE;
A little after 7:30 on this Monday morning I met a son who’s dad just died just moments before I arrived. And as I was expressing my condolences and letting him know a little bit about how we’re still going to be there for him, because his dad was our patient, but he, his mom and his sister were our concern right now.
He said, “You know what was special for me?” He swallowed hard and tears set on the edge of the BROWNS Face mask he had pulled high up on his nose. “What was special for me is that my dad and I got to watch one of the greatest Browns football games ever; that we had a moment that nobody can ever take away from us.” He wiped his eyes as he paused and then continued, “And they not only one the first playoff game in decades, but they beat the Freaking Pittsburgh Steelers in Pittsburgh. Man, what a great night.”
And as we talked about all the dark clouds that have forever seemed to overshadow the city of Cleveland; The Curse and The Fumble, The Drive, he said that this made up for everything.
Erin always tells me (usually when the Steelers get beat) “IT’S JUST A GAME!” and I always tell her
until it isn’t. . .
as I go sulking away into the dark night of my soul. . .
B U T
 In that encounter
At that Moment
I had with that man
(who’s name I never knew)
who was now crying in front of me
not because his dad had just died
or because he was grieving his father
and not because he had just had a moment
and not just a special moment
but the defining moment
of his and his dad‘s life
not the end of his life
but really
the continuing of both of their lives
interwoven together with the golden thread
of that one single moment
and that he was a part of that
and he didn’t miss it
and how sacredly hallowed it was. . .
I guess some tears are more salty than others

Some tears are just to warm and wet
to be soaked up in the best of towels
In fact
there are some tears
that literally inspire other tears
that are way less salty, too. . .
The only thing that makes a moment better
than the moment
is sharing it with somebody
so they can have
a some kind of a moment, too 
and for this humble Caring Catalyst
I’m more of a grateful
recipient
than a
deflated fan

BOO-HOO
. . .I think not

THE MORAL OF THE STORY

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Sometimes. . .
there’s no need for the
Moral of the Story
Sometimes. . .
we are the
MORAL OF THE STORY
which is. . .
________________________________________________________________________
(GO AHEAD, FILL IN THE BLANK)
Sometimes. . .
it really is this simple:

OR
(even more simply):

(that is all)

A I M I N G

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WE ALL WANT IT. . .
A CRYSTAL BALL
that’ll not only predict the
F U T U R E
but INSURE IT
which brings us to a
NEW YEAR
which brings us to a
HOST OF GOALS. . .
So Spill:
WHAT ARE YOUR GOALS FOR 2021
and maybe more importantly:
HOW DO YOU AIM IN KEEPING THEM. . . ?

photo of person taking out arrows from target board
Photo by Burst on Pexels.com

It reminds me of the classic story of a guy who bragged of all of the bullseyes he could guarantee any time, any place and when it came to
PUT UP/SHUT UP TIME
He would shoot his bow and arrow
F I R S T
and then draw a bullseye around his arrow
backing up his infamous guarantee
. . .uhhhhhhhhhhh
just not quite the way we
DRAW THEM UP. . .
So just what are your goals for 2021
and maybe more importantly:
HOW DO YOU AIM IN KEEPING THEM. . .

SO. . .How Do You Set Goals You’ll Actually Achieve

Getty ImagesBY AMANDA LOUDIN JANUARY 4, 2021 8:55 AM EST

Journalist, Amanda Loudin recently shared in TIME MAGAZINE that whether you want to run a marathon, eat more healthfully or just get off the couch a little more, “for the majority of people, setting a goal is one of the most useful behavior change mechanisms for enhancing performance,” says Frank Smoll, professor of psychology at the University of Washington. “It’s highly individual,” he says—there’s no one way to achieve a goal. But these goal-setting strategies will help you stay the course.

Pick a specific, realistic goal

People often start setting goals with a little too much gusto, trying to overhaul many aspects of their life at once. But that can quickly become overwhelming and backfire. “It’s better to have a systematic approach and identify the one or two that are the most important,” Smoll says.

Making your goal specific can help you follow through on it; research suggests that narrowly defining a goal helps you clarify the tasks necessary for reaching it. “You should define your goal discretely enough to measure and use it effectively,” Smoll says. 

It should also be realistic, says Zander Fryer, founder of the coaching company High Impact Coaching. He’s a fan of the Goldilocks-sized goal. “If it’s too big, it will scare you off; too small, and it won’t motivate you,” he says. “Each individual must figure out the goal that gets them moving.” To stay accountable, give yourself a timeline that you can achieve, recommends Fryer. “That will motivate you to take action.” 

Create a plan of attack

Whenever you set one goal, you should actually set two: a process goal and product goal, Smoll says. Aiming for a 4.0 grade-point average would be a product goal: the ultimate objective. A process goal would outline the steps it takes to get there. While the product goal gets all the attention, the process goal is equally vital. 

Write down a plan for how you’ll go about achieving your end goal, identifying specific strategies. If a hockey player wants to get 5% faster, for instance, “a productive achievement strategy could include skating additional 10 sprints after practice each day,” Smoll says. 

Jason Bahamundi, who has completed eight Ironman races and 30 ultramarathons, sets a process goal before every race. “I think a lot about the training, the timing and the cost of what I’m undertaking,” he says. “If I can think about the challenge and then work backwards, I’m successful.”

Be accountable to yourself and others

Setting the goal is the fun part. Sticking to it is tougher. “You will hit barriers and fears,” Fryer says, so accountability is important, especially at the beginning. “Having a mentor, a partner or social accountability will help when you reach a sticking point.” 

Fryer recommends choosing someone who you don’t want to disappoint, paying for a mentor or accountability partner or finding someone with similar objectives through a professional or social media group. This person can help by defining clear expectations, focusing on performance and monitoring progress. 

Honing your patience will be helpful as well. “Remind yourself that achieving a goal takes persistence, drive and resilience,” Fryer says. “Set your expectations that it will be harder and take longer than you expect.”

That means recognizing when you might need to stop and catch your breath. Bahamundi knows how to guard against mental fatigue by building breaks into his process, particularly when he’s preparing for long events. “I train hard for three weeks at a time and then take a full recovery week,” he says. Cycling through work and rest can help you avoid burnout in any endeavor, whether you’re aiming to lose weight, improve a relationship or launch a big career change.

Find joy in the process

Savoring how it feels to chase your goal is useful for maintaining motivation long term, says Brad Stulberg, a performance coach and co-founder of the Growth Equation. “Most people cycle through three stages: the grind of putting your head down and doing the work, anger and fear of failure, and enjoyment,” he says. But finding joy in showing up for the work is essential throughout the whole process and shouldn’t be left for the end. “Before you take on a goal, visualize the process and how it makes you feel,” Stulberg says. “If you become tight and constricted, it’s probably not the right goal or time. If you feel open and curious, that’s a good sign.”

The process won’t uplift you all the time, so it’s important to mark the little achievements en route to the big prize. “As you make progress along the way, celebrate each of the smaller steps,” says Smoll. “I like the saying ‘Yard by yard is hard, but inch by inch, it’s a cinch.’ Self validation is very motivating.”

When you do reach the finish line, you might just find that the process—not the product—was the real prize. “I know that every day I’m out there working is putting me in a better position to be successful on race day,” Bahamundi says. “The race is my celebratory lap for all the hard work I’ve put in.”

So just what are your goals for 2021
and maybe more importantly:
HOW DO YOU AIM IN KEEPING THEM. . . ?
By drawing Bullseyes all over the place
BEFORE TAKING AIM
AND SHOOTING YOUR ARROWS
BEFORE YOU DRAW
O R
are you gonna scrap your
PLAN A
and go with the multiple
PLAN B’s
that always seem to be the most
readily available
(just not the popular choosing/doing/getting WHAT WE’VE AIMED FOR)

Playing out the hand we’re dealt while searching for the missing
PIECE OF OUR PUZZLE
is a Candle Snuffer
to any new 2021
GOAL/DREAM
we could venture. . .
B U T
How about this. . .
if you wanna set a goal
set a dream
that you can achieve
that will never FAIL
that you set 100%
every day
and every day will set and achieve IT
S E T
THIS ONE:
I will be a better person today than I was yesterday with just one kind act!
Just one not 101 not 1001
just one
Even if it’s the same one that you did yesterday
. . .Just one kind act
My goal
My Dream
MY AIM
(a guaranteed Bullseye)
is just to be a better person
than I was yesterday. . .
And not only will that make for a better person
not only will that make for a better community
not only will that make a better world
it will make for a better
achievable
measurable
y o u
guaranteed
no fail. . .
BET IT!

Putting the NEW in new year

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This video by J J Heller makes
It a fair question. . .
especially since 2021 is just barely
under a 100 hours old:
WHAT MAKES FOR A HAPPY NEW YEAR?
Wealth
Health
Fitness
Weight
Possessions
Relationships
Vaccines
Scientific Discoveries
Medical Advances
Bank Accounts
Books
Music
Movies
YOUR FILL IN THE ____________________WISH
W H A T ?

There’s a reason why the
Windshield
is so very much bigger
than the rear view mirror;
G A W K
unblinkingly
at what lies before you
with only a quick glance
at what’s already behind you
. . .good advice for a New Year;
better advice for what ails you
(and it cuts down tremendously on collisions)

So make sure when you look back
to see ahead
your eyes aren’t covered
and you don’t blink. . .
Do you want to know the secret for having a successfully awesome
2 0 2 1
. . .it’s no different than the success
of any other years:
DO MORE FOR OTHERS
THAN YOU DO FOR YOURSELF
. . .GUARANTEE:
Making others Happy
will bring you unspeakable joy
. . .It’s like taking someone out to dinner:
YOU GET FED, too
Hey, don’t take my words for it:
You’ve got
8 6 6 4
hours to prove it beginning
NOW

Put the NEW
in a New Year
(You are that Powerful)

LETTING YOUR HEART BREAK

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Do you recognize her. . . ?
I didn’t
so I’ll invite you to do what she invited me to do
(and it’s more than just READING ON)
LETTING MY HEART BREAK
. . .She was asked:
How do you reconcile the enormous privilege that you have with the acute suffering that so many people are experiencing right now?
and she answered:

It’s something I’ve pondered a lot. There’s no explanation how you get to be in this situation of privilege. There’s just none. But I spend a lot of my waking hours, when we’re not in a pandemic, traveling and meeting other people and doing what I call letting my heart break. I’ve worked in Mother Teresa’s home for the dying. I’ve slept on people’s farms in Africa. I do meditation every morning, and I’ve had days of tears thinking about people I know who’ve lost a loved one. It’s going to those places where your heart really hurts for everybody, not just your own sense of loss.And so I cry a lot, and then I come back and I say, “How do I take what that person shared with me and what I learned, and how do I plow that back into the work to try and make the world better, or to convince a global leader that they ought to give more money to malaria, or care about people getting a vaccine on the other side of the world, or care about a child not getting a proper education in certain cities in the United States?” I just try to constantly remember that it’s a privilege.  . .

WHO IS THIS MYSTERY WOMAN?

RECOGNIZE HER, yet?
Mrs. William Gates. . .
Melinda
I know, I know,
when you’re rich you can do anything
and you can do everything that you want
and you don’t have to ask anybody’s permission. . .
and when you’re poor
you can’t do anything
and you’re at the mercy of everybody
and always have to ask,
“is it OK if I do this?”
or worse:
“CAN I DO THIS?”

But the one thing that makes the richest of the rich
and the poorest of the poor
The Same;
The very one thing that everybody
has in common
that makes us equal
is we all have the capacity
to care
to love
to have compassion
to give
all of us
KNOW
whether or not we do or don’t
has nothing to do with what’s in our bank account
or in our pockets
or not. . .

So just what is it that you’re doing
not just all the time
not every day
but right now
that allows your heart to break. . . ?
What moves you
not so much to tears
but TO action. . . 
Do you dare ask,
“How do I take what a person shared with me and what I learned and how do I plow that back into the work to try and make the world better?”

Pssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssst:

You just can’t answer that question with
W O R D S
and it’s much too late for Silence
of (action) doing

Go ahead. . .
Let your heart break
For Some Thing
For Some One

Let your Heart
be smashed
Let your Heart
be shattered
Let your Heart
be splintered
and then
more importantly
let it be joined with the
smashed
shattered
splintered
h e a r t s
of Others

R I S K
FOR AN EVER
to have it
BEAT DIFFERENTLY
to show
Your Worth
as you give
Others,
T H E I R S


Helping HELPS

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HELPING
H E L P S
wouldn’t that be great if that was actually
T R U E
Psssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssst:
IT REALLY IS

Helping Others Can Help You Feel Better During the Pandemic
Just like it did before
and like it will
way past it. . .

A new study suggests that people who volunteer or support others during the pandemic tend to be happier. . .

 ELIZABETH HOPPER a freelance science writer specializing in psychology and mental health most recently wrote an article on her research that proves just how much HELPING HELPS the HELPER. . .

In many ways, the coronavirus pandemic has demonstrated the extent to which we rely on others. This year, we’ve been forced to find new ways to stay connected, whether that’s signing up for virtual volunteering, organizing Zoom happy hours, or using resources like Nextdoor’s Help Map to obtain essential supplies. 

How are these new ways of connecting impacting our well-being during the pandemic? According to a new research paper published in The Gerontologist, all the help that we’re giving and receiving may be serving to brighten our days and keep our relationships strong.

As shelter-in-place orders were issued in March, a team of researchers began asking participants to complete surveys each night for a week. In total, over 1,000 participants in the United States and Canada responded in the spring and summer. In the surveys, participants were asked if they had helped anyone that day—either as part of an organized volunteer activity or by providing help more informally (for example, by offering emotional support to a friend or bringing a neighbor groceries). In addition, participants also reported on their positive and negative emotions, indicated whether they had received support from anyone that day, and rated how they felt their relationships were going.

The researchers found that participants who helped others more often—whether through formal volunteering or providing more informal types of help—reported higher positive emotions, lower negative emotions, and more satisfaction with their relationships. In addition to these differences between people, the researchers also observed people’s well-being fluctuate over time: On days when participants helped others, they felt greater positive emotions and were happier with their relationships, compared to days when they didn’t help anyone else. 

Additionally, providing emotional support (that is, providing a listening ear rather than trying to fix someone’s problem) had a unique benefit: On days when participants offered this kind of support, they reported lower negative emotions.

During the study, older participants (ages 60 and up) were the most likely to participate in formal volunteering activities, and they were the most likely to receive emotional support from others. Older participants also reported the highest levels of well-being, in terms of positive and negative emotions and satisfaction with their relationships. Volunteering and staying socially connected—albeit at a distance—may play a role in helping older adults stay well during the pandemic.

In fact, receiving help seemed to be beneficial for everyone, not just older people: On days when participants received support from others, they reported higher positive emotions and more happiness with their relationships. 

While this might seem intuitive, it actually differs from previous research, which has found that receiving help from others can sometimes backfire. For example, receiving support we didn’t ask for can be an unpleasant experience, since it can make us feel like our competence is being called into question. Research also suggests that feeling incompetent or powerless as a result of receiving support is linked to negative consequences, such as having more symptoms of depression.

Why didn’t receiving support have adverse consequences in the present study? Nancy Sin, assistant professor at the University of British Columbia and lead author of the study, explains that one reason may have to do with the nature of the pandemic. Since all of us are going through a huge, collective stressor, reaching out for help is, in a sense, normalized. 

Additionally, people may be more likely to receive the kind of helpful, effective support that they want right now. Participants in the study were especially likely to receive emotional support, and, when we’re facing an uncontrollable, unpredictable event—like COVID-19 is—being able to vent is sometimes more effective than having someone jump in to fix whatever’s wrong. It also helps that a lot of the support happening right now is reciprocal: In a conversation with a friend, we might find ourselves taking the role of both support provider and support recipient.

Sin’s advice for people who are feeling lonely or disconnected right now? Seek out opportunities to connect with others, whether through formal volunteer organizations (many of which are offering virtual or socially distanced opportunities to help) or by simply reaching out to a friend you haven’t talked to in a while.

Another way to help out is to get others connected to the digital resources they need to set up Zoom calls or do virtual volunteering. While more and more older adults are connected to the internet, not all are (and socioeconomic inequalities can exacerbate this issue). Helping to bridge this digital gap will have a meaningful impact on people’s sense of connectedness right now.

Sin also suggests that the efforts we’re making now to cultivate our social networks can have long-reaching consequences. The volunteer networks, community groups, and mutual aid organizations we’ve built up while social distancing are resources that we can carry forward, even after the pandemic. She explains, “What I hope is that, by people becoming more active in helping other people, in maybe becoming more involved in their communities, that this will build resources that people can still rely on in the future even after the pandemic is over.”

And in this
PANORAMA PANDEMIC PERIOD
there is absolutely one thing way beyond
YOUR SHADOW OF DOUBT:

t h a t
Showing Up
HELPS YOU
as
YOU HELP
o t h e r s

Professional Speaker, Author, Assurance Man