We took our seven-year-old granddaughter, Evey to see the movie that John Krasinski and Ryan Reynolds were in called IF (Imaginary Friends)
A great movie that just doesn’t pull back the curtain on what I don’t want you to see, it rips it from their rod so that I could really see, feel, experience what I’ve never really lost or even forgotten so much as embarrassingly remember, and now kind of horrifyingly admit: I’VE GOT THEM; Yes. . . I’ve got THEM; not so much imaginary friends, IF’S, but things that bring me exceedingly comfort, peace, happiness, contentment and unconditional love
Oh, that’s right and the real fun began afterwards when we went back to their house and grandma helped plant flowers while Evey assisted and every time she took up a worm or yes, even a grub, she talk to it, named them, treated it is if they were her new best friends. Before playing in a bucket of mud (of which I don’t think her mom especially liked)
reveling in joy and hopefully never forgetting what I have most often:
YOU ARE ALWAYS A KID!
E N J O Y
HAVE FUN
DON’T EVER STOP
Now. . .about that Emotional Support Pile of Books. . .
S P L A T
We did a lot of traveling last week, to Niagara Falls to Dayton with nary a time for a quick car wash and my car literally got BUGGED. The car wash couldn’t remove all of the mix mash of bug guts; it needed some more than unusual elbow grease and with sweating dripping down my face and slow diving off of the tip of my nose, I stood and wiped my face and THERE, there it was; a thought and then a flood of words that found its way into a poem, not just about bugs on a bumper and crusted across my windshield but about the randomness of our living and our dying; the vast unpredictability of
IT ALL. . . HENCE: SPLAT
Is it all willie nillie
some hocus-pocus predestinated Chance
A random bullet
Out of control car
Avalanche
Shark bite
A fallen tree limb
An elevator cable snap
Plane crash
All
wrong places at the wrongest of times
ALL so unmathematically
equating into a
SPLAT
No one ever sees coming
WE
like the Severely unsuspecting unnamed Bug
SPLATTED
It was never my intention to
harm, maime, Kill
Yet, just the same,
SPLAT
It ended up a glorious Yellow
but so very indistinguishable on my bumper
across my windshield
And Now
just like that
as I turned on the Shower
I spied a spider
frantically trying to get out
of the fast sucking swirlingly
towards the Drain—too late
for a rescue attempt
The Splat became a deadly Splash
Proving it’s always more than One Way
but always, still, A Way
S P L A T
What Pow, What Splash, What Kerplunk
SPLAT
Awaits us
If a bug, a flailing spider
not exempted
what of us
I don’t know
But make no mistake about
Knowing it does
MY SAVIOR COMPLEX
DO UNTO OTHERS AS YOU’D LIKE TO BE DONE UNTO YOU. . .RIGHT
Or better,
DO UNTO OTHERS AS THEY REALLY WANT DONE UNTO THEM. . .
I mean these are really great aspirations for yourself
FOR OTHERS
. . .or are they the worst?
it’s real close to liking you to break open the
Butterfly Cocoon
before it’s ready
. . .seemingly to make it easier
But actually doing it the most harm ever. . .
THE SAVIOR COMPLEX
I’ve always had one
and thought it noble
and even sometimes wore it as a
Badge of Honor
until I saw I was actually doing more harm
than any kind of well intended
G O O D
so when an article about SAVIOR COMPLEXING comes across my attention
I SOAK IT UP
and ok, fine, here’s the truest of true Confessions:
I end up making this Complex even more
C O M P L E X I N G
and yet, I read on and invite you to do the same now with this article from a recent Psychology Today by Mark Travers, Ph.D., an American psychologist with degrees from Cornell University and the University of Colorado Boulder.
Source: Aamir Suhail / Unsplash
3 Ways to Control the Urge to Save
Everyone. . .
Dr. Travers shares that many people come to therapy troubled by their inability to help someone in need. They may say things like:
- “Why do I always feel attracted to people who have had lots of troubles in life?”
- “I make every sacrifice possible to help him, but he still doesn’t change.”
- “If I’m constantly trying to change my significant other for the better, does that mean I’m not accepting of them?”
If you relate to any of these questions, you may have a savior complex. At first glance, your behaviors might point to your helpful nature. But, when examined more closely, your savior complex can be psychologically unhealthy as it can give you an external outlet to focus on instead of addressing your own problems.
Helpfulness is a valued and pro-social trait, but there is a difference between helping and saving. A savior complex goes beyond our ability to help people, crossing into the realm of trying to be a hero in someone else’s life for your benefit more than theirs.
Here I’ll talk about three ways you can manage your instinct to want to “save” people.
1. Practice active listening
When people confide in you, they are often looking for an outlet to let out pent-up emotions instead of wanting to “be fixed.” A big problem for many “saviors” is the mistaken assumption that people are incapable of solving their own issues. If you take up the practice of listening more actively, you may learn that this person is perhaps just looking for a supportive shoulder and someone who will listen.
A study published in the Journal of Positive Psychology finds that listening carefully and attentively increases the level of humility in any conversation, resulting in a positive feedback loop of increased humility and better listening.
Here are two ways to up your listening skills, according to the researchers:
- Don’t be afraid of silence. Silent moments are essential for building a good conversation. Allow yourself to be silent to enable the other person to speak. For instance, when a friend comes to you with a problem, aim to understand rather than immediately reply. Instead, watch for their body language, which speaks volumes (e.g., tensed shoulders may express fear or hesitation).
- Believe in the benefits of listening. Familiarize yourself with the benefits of listening. This will motivate you to become a better listener.
2. Wait it out before stepping in
Aside from practicing active listening, resist your urge to intervene. You may find that people can often come to their own aid when helping themselves is the only real way out.
If you try to be the fixer of all their problems, you run the risk of unintentionally pushing them towards a sense of learned helplessness, where they lose the perspective to be able to diagnose and address their own issues.
When a loved one comes to you with an issue, refrain from offering assistance or suggestions right off the bat. Remind yourself that you can be present for someone without having to rescue them. Instead, you can offer validation that shows that you understand and empathize with them and are there for them whenever they need to vent.
3. Hold in your urge to help until you are asked for it
One key aspect of the savior complex is the ingrained desire to help even when it’s not wanted or requested. Assuming that the other person is incapable of helping themselves may reflect or be perceived as a superiority complex on your end.
Instead, you can offer assistance in low-pressure ways that keeps the ball in their court. For instance, ask the other person questions like, “This situation seems quite tough. Is there any way I can help?”
Follow their guidance if they ask you to help in a certain way instead of assuming that you know what’s best.
Now READING and Article and even remotely trying to implement it makes not an expert but. . .
It’s a beginning (a g a i n)
Managing your savior instincts may seem difficult at first, but it’s a learnable skill. Even though you may believe you are doing someone a favor, saving someone who doesn’t want to be saved may backfire. Wait until this person asks for your assistance since it’s likely that someone who truly needs it will ask you for it directly.
And remember
Even as you’re Reaching Out
To REACH IN
f i r s t
IS THIS HELPING THEM
MORE THAN
APPEASING ME. . . ?
WALKING HOME
Usually that’s an insult isn’t it,
you treat me like a kid
you treat me like a child
you treat me like a little baby. . .
Well when was the last time that somebody treated you like a child.
No. . .no not as an insult
but as a compliment. . .
On my morning walk
a little more than halfway through
I walk through a school zone
and a matter if there’s any traffic coming or not
there’s a school guard
probably about my age
who comes out into the middle of the crosswalk
with her stop sign held high
and stops the traffic for me
so that I can safely cross.
And every time she does it
and she does it every time
I feel like a little kid
in fact, I always tell her thank you
for making me feel like a little boy
all over again
and taking such good care of me. . .
And I like what she usually says back.
“I see that little boy in you and everybody should take the chance of taking care of another person and making them feel like a child again; safe, loved, and secured.”
“You make me feel like a kid; you treat me like a child,”
now takes on a whole other different meaning for me
even as I write this with a smile on my face
. . .it’s still does
Hey, take the opportunity to make somebody feel like a kid again.
Put a smile on their face without a bribe of a lollipop
or a piece of candy
but lollipop and a piece of candy
isn’t it a bad way to make somebody
feel like a kid again, either. . .
Isn’t it nice to know that when we’re walking each other home
there’s someone already there
not only before us
but making sure that the walk
is safe as it could be. . .
kind of makes you feel like a kid again
and if it doesn’t,
it makes you want to feel like one. . .
THE KINDNESS OF
EVEN IF
ESPECIALLY IF
it’s not worth your attention
it’s not worth your watching
it’s at least worth your effort
to specifically be more
K I N D
to
family
friend
foe
foreigner
(and yourself)
No matter what
the Clock
the Calendar
shows. . .
W H A T I F. . .
Do you do most of your
D R E A M I N G
when you’re A W A K E
or A S L E E P. . . ?
Back in December I had a lot of colleagues get laid off right before Christmas and though I grieved for them each for the personal loss I was feeling it was for the REAL LOSS they were Experiencing. . .
It made me start this very present
never-ending game called:
WHAT IF
It goes like this and I’m going to invite you to play along
although this is a game that doesn’t get competed and go safely back into a box;
Let’s begin:
Do you have a WHAT IF LIST?
Actually it’s more than just a list. . .
it’s a couple of lists;
at least two. . .
Here’s the first WHAT IF LIST:
What if you lost your job RIGHT NOW:
What would you do. . .
LIST YOUR POSSIBILITIES
I’d be a Lyft driver and immediately start writing a book entitled LYFT TO LIFT chronicling all the experiences and all of the stories that I would gather together with the folks I would take from one destination to another. . .
I’d start working for Starbucks
I’d start working for Amazon
I’d become a REDCOAT for Cleveland Clinic and instruct/help them where to go
I’d work exclusively for funeral homes
I’d become a full time Officiant for funerals, weddings, baptisms
I’d open up a cigar shop and call it HOLY SMOKES
I’d open a bar and call it CONFESSIONALS
I’d open a full service Spa and call it SOULED OUT
I’d open a coffee/tea shop and call it HOLY GROUNDS
I’d begin a Churchless Church that would never meet on Sunday’s and call it
NO PLACE
I’d open a hospice facility that’d never be dependent on government funding or regulations and call it BEGINNINGS
I’d open a FREE thrift store called GIFTED
I’d open a second free thrift store and call it CHRISTMAS EVERY DAY
Now what about that second what if list. . .
It’s a great list called:
WHAT IF
You won the 500 million dollar lottery list
I’d be a Lyft driver and immediately start writing a book entitled LYFT TO LIFT chronicling all the experiences and all of the stories that I would gather together with the folks I would take from one destination to another. . .
I’d start working for Starbucks
I’d start working for Amazon
I’d become a REDCOAT for Cleveland Clinic and instruct/help them where to go
I’d work exclusively for funeral homes
I’d become a full time Officiant for funerals, weddings, baptisms
I’d open up a cigar shop and call it HOLY SMOKES
I’d open a bar and call it CONFESSIONALS
I’d open a full service Spa and call it SOULED OUT
I’d open a coffee/tea shop and call it HOLY GROUNDS
I’d begin a Churchless Church that would never meet on Sunday’s and call it
NO PLACE
I’d open a hospice facility that’d never be dependent on government funding or regulations and call it BEGINNINGS
I’d open a FREE thrift store called GIFTED
I’d open a second free thrift store and call it CHRISTMAS EVERY DAY
Sounds like both of my lists are the same. . .
Sounds like both lists talk about me being very altruistic and giving loving and
non-judgmental. . .
Sounds like both lists really uncovered who I truly am at heart:
S E L F I S H
YEAH. It might sound like I’m altruistic;
it may sound like I’m a really giving person but here’s the truth:
I AM SEVERELY SELFISH
A HARSHER TRUTH:
I’m STRIVING to become even more S E L F I S H
I am the way that I am even though it appears so good, so true, so compassionate, so empathetic, so giving. . . when really I’m the most selfish person
I have ever met. . .
It truly makes me feel good to be the way that I am and I agonize that I’m not even more like that. . .
I think I’ve uncovered the secret of life. . .
it’s not the fountain of youth;
it’s not quick get rich scheme;
But it is so highly effective
and I believe even more severely contagious;
I would hope that it not only characterizes me as a
Caring Catalyst
but also Caring Person. . .
The Secret:
GIVE WHAT YOU WANT TO RECEIVE
No abracadabra stuff. . .
No magic. . .
Secret formula or potions. . .
No A-B-C-D and then you will get X-Y-Z. . .
W H A T-IF-ING
is a great game. . .
It’s a fun game. . .
It’s a really cost-you-nothing-bet-your-life-changing-game
that, if involving others,
will long outlast a pulse beaten,
a breath taken
a heart pumping;
And it’ll absolutely teach
THE LESSON:
COMPASSION COMES WITH DIRT-CRUSTED HANDS
that never come clean
Go ahead. . .
Bring FLAME to WICK
E X P E R I E N C E
the pure answer of
WHY LIGHT A CANDLE WHEN YOU CAN IGNITE WICKS
Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh. . .
W H A T I F
When Competition, Isn’t….
Does it ever end well. . .?
An older Pizza Hut Delivery man comes marching into McDonald’s at one of their most busiest times, right at lunch hour.
You could see that both of the Drive-Thru Lanes were packed and there were three lines of hungry people, four or five deep waiting to place their orders.
This Pizza Hut Delivery Guy wasn’t about to wait in line. As soon as he got to the center of store, he started, very loudly yelling, “WHERE’S THE MANAGER? I WANT TO SPEAK TO THE MANGER, NOW!” The loud
N O W
Almost sounded like an angry dog before he was ready to sink his teeth into any soft flesh available.
Everyone stood there stunned. It got very quiet.
No cash registers were ringing.
No orders were being taken.
No one was moving.
No one expected a good outcome.
Would you?
Does a scene set up like this ever end up well?
Their was hushed mumbling and then yelling for “RON” (Oh the Irony–RON–Seriously? A distant relative of THE RONALD McDONALD?)
to get out to the front.
Uh-oh. . .there he was. RON, a young manager in a not-so-white-stained-barely-tucked-in-shirt with a black wrinkled tie, and dirty eye-glasses that were somewhat askew.
SHOW TIME:
“You the manager,” the Pizza Hut Delivery man more accused than asked?
“Yes sir, my name is Ron. How may I be of help?”
“Well I came here to get something straight,” he started out, not in any low tone manner.
EVERYONE WAS WATCHING THIS…MUST SEE REALITY. . . .
“My mother was in here the other day,” the Pizza Hut man continued, “and she kinda got stuck over there in that booth. She’s having trouble getting around and she said everyone was laughing and no one was out here helping her. . . ,”
“Sir,” Ron butted in to begin defending himself, but Pizza Man was having none of it.
He put his hand up in front of Ron’s face as he continued.
“Hold on there, Son. She said everyone was laughing and snickering and talking about her and no one was doing a thing and then you came out and brought her a coffee and a glass of water and you helped her out.”
This went
H A L L M A R K
quicker than you could say: M c P I Z Z A. . . .
And then, then came the McPLAUSE and rightfully so.
Pizza Man pulled a steaming, hot pizza from his delivery bag as he said, “Here, Ron, it ain’t much but a man who does good deserves good.”
And with that he hands him over a Pizza–SPECIAL DELIVERY–as it were.”
People applauded and cheered. A few whistled.
They shook hands and then hugged.
I WANTED TO KNOW. . .to HEAR what Pizza Man told Ron McDonald Manager as they hugged there for a moment.
Quite a moment. . .still is.
When the Competition, ISN’T. . .the most amazing things happen.