Who Cares - What Matters
Sometimes. . .
there’s no need for the
Moral of the Story
Sometimes. . .
we are the
MORAL OF THE STORY
which is. . .
________________________________________________________________________
(GO AHEAD, FILL IN THE BLANK)
Sometimes. . .
it really is this simple:
OR
(even more simply):
(that is all)
This video by J J Heller makes
It a fair question. . .
especially since 2021 is just barely
under a 100 hours old:
WHAT MAKES FOR A HAPPY NEW YEAR?
Wealth
Health
Fitness
Weight
Possessions
Relationships
Vaccines
Scientific Discoveries
Medical Advances
Bank Accounts
Books
Music
Movies
YOUR FILL IN THE ____________________WISH
W H A T ?
There’s a reason why the
Windshield
is so very much bigger
than the rear view mirror;
G A W K
unblinkingly
at what lies before you
with only a quick glance
at what’s already behind you
. . .good advice for a New Year;
better advice for what ails you
(and it cuts down tremendously on collisions)
So make sure when you look back
to see ahead
your eyes aren’t covered
and you don’t blink. . .
Do you want to know the secret for having a successfully awesome
2 0 2 1
. . .it’s no different than the success
of any other years:
DO MORE FOR OTHERS
THAN YOU DO FOR YOURSELF
. . .GUARANTEE:
Making others Happy
will bring you unspeakable joy
. . .It’s like taking someone out to dinner:
YOU GET FED, too
Hey, don’t take my words for it:
You’ve got
8 6 6 4
hours to prove it beginning
NOW
Put the NEW
in a New Year
(You are that Powerful)
Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. . .
It’s really hard to
S H U S H
especially this time of the year
and it’s almost impossible to
KEEP YOUR MOUTH SHUT
YOUR EYES CLOSED
YOU EARS OPEN
all at once
but
before you listen to this song again
read the lyrics:
I Have Enough By JJ Heller, David Heller, and Taylor Leonhardt
There’s a box up in the attic
Full of treasures from my past
Paper snowmen from a season
Melting into spring too fast
Clay and glitter, wood and glue
May not seem like much to you
It reminds me of
All the ones I love
When I think of them
I think I have enough
We may not live up in the mountains
Like we always wanted to
But this old house shines like a diamond
With Christmas lights hung on the roof
It might not be the life I dreamed
But it’s become my favorite scene
It reminds me of
All the ones I love
When I think of them
I think have enough
Everything I want this Christmas
Doesn’t cost a single thing
Cookies baking in the kitchen
Hearing little voices sing
Tell the story once again
Peace on earth, goodwill to men
It reminds me of
All the ones I love
When I think of them
I think I have enough
It reminds me of
All the ones I love
When I think of them
I think I have enough
. . .AND
just what does three ties have to do with
THAT SONG. . . ?
EVERYTHING!
I’ve had those ties for years
but not for as long as they’ve actually been created. . .
The two on the left
are between 65-70 years old
. . .I inherited from my grandfather
and rarely wear them
because they are fragile
and I don’t want the last time I tie them
to be the last time I tie them. . .
The tie on the far right
is my father-in-law’s
that I inherited shortly after he died
and no one in the family wanted it
. . .none of them
would make the cover of
G Q
but they continue to flutter through the pages
of my mind
in a most gentle
but powerful way
that makes me feel close
to both of these men
ESPECIALLY AT CHRISTMAS
when I realize
much like
J J Heller’s song,
I HAVE ENOUGH
. . .What takes you
T H E R E
what song
what food
what smell
what word
what texture
what piece of clothing
what scene
what feeling
takes you way past
that box in the attic
out of your head
and into your heart
of memories
that makes you feel:
I HAVE ENOUGH
. . .more importantly
what song
what food
what smell
what word
what texture
what piece of clothing,
what scene
what feeling
WILL YOU BE SHARING
that’ll keep you out of some
attic box
past someone’s memory
but burrowed deep
into their heart
and forever
in the delicate
l a c e s
of their
soul
that’ll forever make them feel:
I
H A V E
E N O U G H
Pssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssst:
GIVE THAT
(no receipts or returns necessary)
Q U I C K:
When’s the last time you said:
I’M SORRY. . . ?
I’m not asking when’s the last time you apologized. . .
NO,
When’s the last time you actually said the words,
I’M SORRY?
I just did it a couple of days ago
when I visited the Dr.’s office
and actually said,
“I’m sorry for being here and taking your time and any inconvenience I might have caused. . . .”
SERIOUSLY. . .
I’ve often joked if you told me that I was the cause of everything that’s gone bad in 2020
INCLUDING COVID19
I would pause, consider,
“WOW, YOU MAY BE RIGHT!”
Are you in that boat
paddling with the other oar. . .
I recently listened to Maja on her TED talk and it made me pause and consider in another way and now, hopefully you, too.
Think about all the times you use the word “sorry” in a typical day. There are the necessary “sorry”s — when you bump into someone, when you need to cancel plans with a friend. But what about the unnecessary “sorry”s? The “sorry, this may be an obvious idea” at a meeting, the “sorry to cause trouble” when rescheduling a haircut, the “sorry, there’s a spill in the dairy aisle” at the supermarket.
The Canadian sociologist Maja Jovanovic believes the “sorry”s we sprinkle through our days hurt us. They make us appear smaller and more timid than we really are, and they can undercut our confidence.
Jovanovic, who teaches at McMaster University and Mohawk College in Hamilton, Ontario, became interested in this topic when she attended a conference four years ago. The four women on a panel were, she says, “experts in their chosen fields. Among them, they had published hundreds of academic articles, dozens of books. All they had to do was introduce themselves. The first woman takes a microphone and she goes, ‘I don’t know what I could possibly add to this discussion’ … The second woman takes the microphone and says, ‘Oh my gosh, I thought they sent the email to the wrong person. I’m just so humbled to be here.’” The third and fourth women did the same thing.
During the 25 panels at that week-long conference, recalls Jovanovic, “not once did I hear a man take that microphone and discount his accomplishments or minimize his experience. Yet every single time a woman took a microphone, an apologetic tone was sure to follow.” She adds, “I found it enraging; I also found it heartbreaking.”
Jovanovic found the outside world not so different: “Apologies have become our habitual way of communicating,” she says. Since then, she’s collected needless apologies from her colleagues and students. One stand-out? “My research assistant said ‘Sorry’ to the pizza delivery guy for his being late to her house,” says Jovanovic. “She said, ‘Oh my gosh, we live in a new subdevelopment. I’m so sorry. Did you have trouble finding this place?’”
We can eliminate the “sorry”s from our sentences — and still be considerate. “The next time you bump into someone,” Jovanovic says, “you could say, ‘Go ahead,’ ‘After you’ or ‘Pardon me.’” Similarly, during a meeting, Jovanovic says, “instead of saying, ‘Sorry to interrupt you,’ why not try ‘How about,’ ‘I have an idea,’ ‘I’d like to add’ or ‘Why don’t we try this?’” The idea is to be polite while not minimizing yourself.
The “sorry”s that fill our written interactions also need to be noticed — and banished. For emails, Jovanovic says, “There’s a Google Chrome plug-in called ‘just not sorry’ that will alert you to all the needless apologies.” With texts, she points out, “Every single one of us has responded to a text you got when you weren’t able to respond right away. What did you say? ‘Sorry.’” She says, “Don’t apologize — say, ‘I was working,’ ‘I was reading,’ ‘I was driving, ‘I was trying to put on Spanx.’ Whatever it is, it’s all good. You don’t have to apologize.”
And, in some of the instances when we’d typically throw in a “sorry,” we could just use the two magic words: “thank you.”
Jovanovic tells of the moment when she realized the effectiveness of gratitude. She says, “Four of us were at a restaurant for a work meeting, and we’re waiting for number five to arrive … I put my sociological cap on, and I thought, ‘What would he say? How many apologies will he give?’ I could barely stand the anticipation. He arrives at the restaurant, and you know what he says? ‘Hey, thanks for waiting.’ … The rest of us said, “Yeah, you’re welcome,” and we all just opened our menus and ordered. Life went on, and everything was fine.”
Another time when “thank you” can work better than “sorry”? When you’re with a friend and you realize you’ve been doing all the talking. Jovanovic says, “instead of saying, ‘Sorry for complaining’ or ‘Sorry for venting,’ you could just say, ‘Thank you for listening,’ ‘Thank you for being there’ or ‘Thank you for being my friend.’”
Besides removing them from our own communications, we should tell other people when they’re overdoing their “sorry”s, suggests Jovanovic. You can start with your family and friends — and if you’d like, go beyond them. She says, “I have been interrupting these apologies for three years now. I’ll do it everywhere. I’ll do it in the parking lot, I’ll do it to total strangers at the grocery store, in line somewhere. One hundred percent of the time when I interrupt another woman and I say, ‘Why did you just say ‘sorry’ for that?’ she’ll say to me, ‘I don’t know.’”
The World
has become quite the place in 2020
and there might be a ga-zillion reasons to apologize
but
I’M SORRY
for right now
JUST NOW
I’m thinking of some pretty awesome reasons to say,
“THANK YOU!”
Thank you for
reading
pausing
considering
for
YOU. . .
THANK YOU
This past week, Gayle Sayers a Hall of Fame Football player died and in reviewing his life in the sports world the question came up:
WHAT SPORT’S MOVIE MADE YOU CRY
BRIAN’S SONG first aired, November 30, 1971
and I remember
ohhhh yeah, crying
(s h o c k e r)
but also calling my (STILL) best friend, Joe Nicolella
to do what we always did after a
sporting event
movie
album
book
. . .d i s c u s s
I don’t think that either one of us admitted it to each other
but yeah, be both cried
and maybe because
to this day
Joe and I have that
close
don’t-have-to-talk-to-you-everyday-to-know-what-you-think/feel
relationship. . .
but what about that Sport’s movie. . . ?
This one, for me has to have a top three consideration. . .
The movie is a sports fantasy drama
that came out in 1989 and was nominated for an Academy Award
It has a fantastic
music score
a great cast of
Kevin Costner, Amy Madigan, James Earl Jones, Ray Liotta and
Burt Lancaster
that culminates in the last scene
that answers the statements
that haunt throughout the movie:
IF YOU BUILD IT HE WILL COME
and
EASE HIS PAIN
both of which talked about Costner’s dad
who actually comes in this last scene
where they both wonder
IS THIS HEAVEN
and
IS THERE A HEAVEN
with the powerful answer of
“Oh yeah. . .It’s the place where dreams come true.”
N O N E
of us have ever lived in a
2020-like
Time before
and we’ve each experienced it
the same
and yet so differently at times
with there be no wonder
why it feels
THE FARTHEST PLACE FROM HEAVEN
. . .and yet. . .
has there been a little bits of
h e a v e n
in all of this
seemingly
unending
h e l l
THE KEY TO A HAPPY HEART
IS MAKING ANOTHER’S
H A P P Y
. . .TRUE OR FALSE
Pssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssst:
You answer with every act
with every act
you create
(or demolish)
A PLACE WHERE DREAMS COME TRUE
. . .Quick,
Pass me a tissue
No Words; Much Appreciation
No Words; Much Appreciation
No Words; Much Appreciation
No Words; Much Appreciation
No Words; Much Appreciation
No Words; Much Appreciation
No Words; Much Appreciation
“To make life a little better for people less fortunate than you, that’s what I think a meaningful life is. One lives not just for oneself but for one’s community.”
Here are 10 of her most famous quotes that show her commitment and candor.
“When I’m sometimes asked ‘When will there be enough (women on the Supreme Court)?’ and my answer is: ‘When there are nine.’ People are shocked. But there’d been nine men, and nobody’s ever raised a question about that.”
“They have never been a 13-year-old girl.” — After her male colleagues appeared indifferent about a girl’s strip-search by school administrators
“We are a nation made strong by people like you.”
“It helps sometimes to be a little deaf (in marriage and in) every workplace, including the good job I have now.”
“My mother told me to be a lady. And for her, that meant be your own person, be independent.”
“Women will have achieved true equality when men share with them the responsibility of bringing up the next generation.”
“Fight for the things that you care about, but do it in a way that will lead others to join you.”
“Dissents speak to a future age. It’s not simply to say, ‘My colleagues are wrong and I would do it this way.’ But the greatest dissents do become court opinions and gradually over time their views become the dominant view. So that’s the dissenter’s hope: that they are writing not for today, but for tomorrow.”
“This is something central to a woman’s life, to her dignity. It’s a decision that she must make for herself. And when government controls that decision for her, she’s being treated as less than a fully adult human responsible for her own choices.”
“We are at last beginning to relegate to the history books the idea of the token woman.”
No Words; Much Appreciation
save these two:
THANK
YOU. . .
The Lessons have been taught;
it remains to be seen if they’ll be learned
and more,
i m p l e m e n t e d. . .
WILL HER DIFFERENCE
MAKE A DIFFERENCE. . . ?
A FEARLESS GIRL TRIBUTE TO RUTH BADER GINSBURG
(no words; much appreciation)
Q U E S T I O N:
ARE YOU ON YOUR WAY. . . ?
A N S W E R:
ARE YOU EVER NOT. . . ?
The movie came out in 2010 but it keeps replaying the inspiration it might not have fully imagined having. . .
Erin and I watched it early in January before COVID19 made movie watching a part of the new, NEW
Martin Sheen plays Tom, an American doctor who comes to St. Jean Pied de Port, France to collect the remains of his adult son, killed in the Pyrenees in a storm while walking The Camino de Santiago, also known as The Way of Saint James. Driven by his profound sadness and desire to understand his son better, Tom decides to embark on the historical pilgrimage, leaving his “California bubble life” behind. Armed with his son’s backpack and guidebook, Tom navigates the 800 km pilgrimage from the French Pyrenees, to Santiago de Compostela in the north west of Spain, but soon discovers that he will not be alone on this journey. While walking The Camino, Tom meets other pilgrims from around the world, all broken and looking for greater meaning in their lives: a Dutchman (Yorick van Wageningen) a Canadian (Deborah Kara Unger) and an Irish writer (James Nesbitt) who is suffering from a bout of “writer’s block.” From the hardship experienced along “The Way” this unlikely quartet of misfits create an everlasting bond and Tom begins to learn what it means to be a citizen of the world again, and discovers the difference between “The life we live and the life we choose”. THE WAY was filmed entirely in Spain and France along the actual Camino de Santiago. . .
All of the
detours
roadblocks
deadends
Along The Way
there is A WAY for all of us
where the strands of our tapestry
intermingle and forever become interwoven
in the Tapestry’s of others
making sure that we’ll only
grow and expand
and never fully unravel
with the ever unfolding
TRUTH:
YOU DON’T CHOOSE A LIFE—-
YOU LIVE ONE
and that’s
THE WAY
which finds us all on the same
P A T H
at different places
but the
Same Path a long The Way
just assuredly just the same
which makes any
SEE YOU LATER
more of a certainty
than any random bet. . .
Some Coffee Commercial, huh. . . ?
When I saw it this past week
somehow the first thought that came to my mind wasn’t,
“WOW, DO I WANT A CUP OF HOT COFFEE AT THIS VERY MOMENT!”
and then I researched it a little bit
AND THEN I RESEARCHED IT A LITTLE BIT MORE
and saw that it was Charlie Chaplin that actually made the speech
AND SAW THAT IT WAS CHARLIE CHAPLIN THAT ACTUALLY MADE THE SPEECH AS A CHARACTER THAT RESEMBLED HITLER
AND THEN I SAW THAT
“In “The Great Dictator”, Chaplin plays two identical characters – the Jewish Barber and Adenoid Hynkel. Hynkel is a stand-in for Hitler. At the end of the movie, the Barber has replaced Hynkel and delivers the speech we hear in the commercial. Therefore, it’s not Hynkel/Hitler delivering the speech, it’s the Barber. Of course, the speech is really Chaplin’s plea for understanding.”
Sometimes
IT IS WAY MORE THAN JUST
PERSPECTIVE
Sometimes
IT IS WAY MORE THAN JUST
HOW YOU SEE THINGS
Sometimes
IT IS JUST THE WAY
IT IS
(and that may be the toughest way of all to see things)
Without a doubt
. . .our life doesn’t come
with instructions
(BUT IT DOES HAVE INSTRUCTORS)
or subtitles. . .
at best
the seemingly non-existent subtitles
are ones you can’t read
or are in a foreign language
or much like life
feels like
. . .comes at you upside down
When all we really want to do is read
as we are read
We all want to help one another, human beings are like that. We all want to live by each other’s happiness, not by each other’s misery. We don’t want to hate and despise one another. In this world there is room for everyone and the good earth is rich and can provide for everyone. You have the love of humanity in your hearts. You the people have the power to make this life free and beautiful, to make this life a wonderful adventure. Let us fight for a new world, a decent world that will give men a chance to work, that will give you the future and old age and security. Let us fight to free the world, to do away with national barriers, to do away with greed, with hate and intolerance. Let us fight for a world of reason, a world where science and progress will lead to all men’s happiness. Let us all unite!
KNOW
as we are
KNOWN
. . .but that just might be too much to ask for
BUT NEVER
TOO MUCH TO
KEEP ATTEMPTING
. . .rub your eyes again
b l i n k
LOOK
SEE
JOIN ME
(no subtitles necessary)
On our morning walk
we didn’t find a parade,
One found and included us. . .
It was different this year,
wasn’t it?
MEMORIAL DAY
Yes, we know it’s the start of summer
. . . it used to be the start of summer vacations
. . . it used to be trips and vacation spots
hotdogs, potato salad, family gatherings,
it used to be a lot of fun. . .
It was different this year
and maybe not even because of the pandemic. . .
Maybe it’s because we remember different this year;
maybe right now even in the midst of
our-at-the-very-moment heartbeats,
we are writing a History
no book has ever held. . .
And maybe
MEMORIAL DAY
with all of its modifications this year
is even more special
than all the years that we’ve celebrated it
in the past. . .
And just maybe
that’s what will remember
about this
MEMORIAL DAY
Instead of us commemorating it,
IT
now commemorates each and everyone of us
in the most special and significant way. . .
Maybe. . .
With a most
sincere
honest
pure
Parade of One
(y o u)
(NOTE THE REASON FOR THIS SPECIAL
SECOND BLOG POST ON MEMORIAL DAY
IS A THING OF RECOGNITION AND HONOR FOR):
Psssssssssssssssssssssssssssssst:
I HATE TO LOSE
I always have;
I’m not a sore loser;
a bad loser
but it has a way
of not just messing up my day
BUT DAYS. . .
In fact,
I’m so competitive
I’ll try and beat myself
trying to make it through a closing door
walking faster than I walked a route yesterday
doing one more thing than I feel is possible
YOU NAME IT
I’m ON IT. . .
JILL SUTTIE, a freelance journalist sort of brought things to light during a fairly dark time for us. In the midst of the coronavirus outbreak, we are seeing many acts of kindness and even heroism. Neighbors look out for one another by buying groceries or sing songs together. When doctors, nurses, and paramedics ran out of masks, people donated or sewed new ones.
But not all people act kindly when feeling threatened. There are those who hoard medical supplies or refuse to stay physically distant from others. Sadly, some become more selfish when they think we’re competing against each other for survival.
How can we avoid reacting in self-serving or vindictive ways during the pandemic? A new study suggests that practicing a little gratitude may be useful.
In this study, participants from the National University of Singapore played the “Trucking Game”—a research tool that measures how people bargain or cooperate in conflict situations. In the game, players try to get from point A to B as quickly as possible, while opponents can assist or block players at will. The game is over when both players reach their end point.
Before playing the game, some participants were asked to write about a situation that made them feel grateful, while others recalled events that brought them joy or were emotionally neutral (like their daily routine). When it came time for participants to play the game, they didn’t know the other player wasn’t a real person but a set of preprogrammed, highly competitive moves.
Participants had opportunities in the game to thwart the other player by blocking routes along the way or not stepping aside to let them pass, and many of the participants did so when faced with a competitive opponent. However, those induced to feel gratitude were much less likely to block their opponent’s progress than those who’d been primed to feel joy or no particular emotion.
While not entirely surprised by these findings, study coauthor Lile Jia was impressed by them—especially given how competition usually brings out our worst instincts.
“Showing that gratitude can ameliorate competitive impulses in this setting speaks to the potency of this emotion in reducing undesired competition,” says Jia.
To further test these results, he and his colleagues set up another experiment, this time using a random group of Americans of various ages (instead of the original group of Singaporeans, to see how culture might affect results). Participants were told they would be paired with another player (though, actually, there was no other player) to compete in a moderately difficult and timed word game. Before playing the game, they were induced to feel either gratitude or a neutral emotion.
After playing the game—in which participants were always told they lost—the researchers showed them a narrative describing their opponent as either competitive or not very competitive. The idea was that losing to a very competitive person might make participants feel more upset about losing and make them want to punish their opponent.
After “losing,” participants were told that their opponents would be entering another competition that involved solving anagrams for a chance to win a cash prize. The participants could choose one of three clues to help their opponent solve the anagrams more quickly, with clues ranging from least helpful (“it starts with the letter P”) to most helpful (“it starts with the letter P and it’s an organ in your body”). Choosing less helpful clues was considered a form of vindictiveness.
Results showed that participants induced to feel gratitude were much more likely to give the most helpful clues than participants in a neutral mood. Even under circumstances where they might want revenge, people who felt grateful were less likely to be vindictive.
“Sabotaging their partner’s chance of winning a lottery did not directly benefit the participants, who had already been eliminated from the competition—yet this harmful impulse existed,” says Jia. “Fortunately, the impulse got weakened among those induced to feel grateful.”
Gratitude JournalCount your blessings and enjoy better health and happinessTry It NowWhy would gratitude reduce feelings of vindictiveness? Jia says it might be because grateful people are less selfish and show greater empathy toward others, in general. Given that people often respond to competition by becoming more competitive themselves—at the expense of others—it’s little wonder that gratitude might reduce this tendency.
Jia’s study adds to our understanding of the power of gratitude by showing how it helps people be kinder to others in unfavorable as well as favorable circumstances. This could have huge consequences when we are in situations where we may be tempted not to cooperate or to lash out at others—like during the current pandemic.
“In such threatening interactions, destructive behavioral cycles are easily established,” says Jia. “The present research underscores the potential of gratitude in stopping such destructive spirals.”
Jia points to other ways gratitude can help during the pandemic, too—by strengthening relationships and building a sense of community.
Research suggests that practicing gratitude helps people “gel,” he says, encouraging them to coordinate their actions toward a particular goal—something relevant to our current need to shelter in place. So long as cooperation is the norm in this situation, and grateful people don’t feel that they are being taken advantage of, encouraging more gratitude is all to the (greater) good.
Jia’s research reinforces the importance of practicing gratitude as we go through this pandemic. Not only will it help us be more cooperative, it’s good for our personal well-being, too—protecting our mental health and making us feel more positive and optimistic about the future.
“If we take a broader look at the benefits of gratitude, then the argument for encouraging feeling more gratitude becomes all the stronger,” says Jia.
Ohhhhhhh yesssss
I’m competitive
and most would never see or even imagine
that inner
F I G H T
always raging me
UNLESS THEY NOTICE
some of the good I attempt
(THIS IS MY BIGGEST DAILY COMPETITIVE EVENT)
just to be a little
better than the day
the afternoon
the morning before
the next one
and even when
I LOSE
. . .WE WIN
READY. . .
SET. . .
LET’S GO
(and never stop)