Henri Nouwen & Fred Rogers were friends, writing back & forth to one another over the years. Finding this out was such a joy for me, particularly given my love and appreciation for both men and their work.At one point, Fred sent Henri a particularly discouraging article that had been written about him and the ministry that Fred had with young children. Words like these, attacking Fred’s character and questioning his intentions, were deeply wounding to him, and given the propensity of his friend, Henri, to speak openly of human pain, suffering, and healing, I can only imagine that it would be have been altogether natural to seek comfort from him.
This is a part of Henri’s reply.
“I read the article you sent me and can very well understand how much that must have hurt you. It must be really painful to be confronted with a total misunderstanding of your mission and your spiritual intentions.It is these little persecutions within the church that hurt the most. I simply hope that you are not too surprised by them. They come and will keep coming precisely when you do something significant for the Kingdom. It has always struck me that the real pain comes often from the people from whom we expected real support. It was Jesus’ experience and the experience of all the great visionaries in the Church, and it continues to be the experience of many who are committed to Jesus.
I don’t think it makes much sense to argue with the writer of this article. He speaks from a very different plane and will not be open to your explanations. Some of the criticisms we simply have to suffer and see as invitations to enter deeper into the heart of Jesus. I won’t send you some of the reviews I get of my books, but some are not very different from the tone of this piece. So I certainly feel a unique solidarity with you.
Let us pray for each other, that we remain faithful and not become bitter and that we continue to return to the center where we can find the joy and peace that is not of this world.”
It’s beyond tough to be misunderstood or wrongfully attacked, but for what it’s worth I have always found when deeply wounded, especially by those you’d least expect it, the best words I’ve found the courage to share are NO WORDS AT ALL. . .and for one literally talks in his sleep, well. . .there’s no words for that either. . . .
SO IF IT’S EASIER SAID THAN DONE. . .MAKE IT HARDER TO SAY AND EASIER TO DO (KINDNESS)
. . .YOU’LL NEVER BE MISQUOTED!
WE ALL LIVE (IN THE SAME HOUSE)
Melanie DeMore and friends bring us a much needed reminder on the July 8th. . .no longer Independence Day holiday but. . .
Actually, it’s a much needed reminder for anybody, anytime, anywhere.
Melanie based her lyrics on these words from the late John Lewis, one of my personal heroes:
“We all live in the same house, we all must be part of the effort to hold down our little house. When you see something that is not right, not fair, not just . . . do something about it. Say something. Have the courage. Have the backbone. Get in the way. Walk with the wind. It’s all going to work out.”
And . . .
“Never, ever be afraid to make some noise and get in good trouble, necessary trouble.”
WE ALL LIVE IN THE SAME HOUSE Melanie DeMore We all live, we all live We all live in the same house We all live, we all live We all live in the same house Make some good, good trouble Keep on movin' ahead Make some good, good trouble Don't let anything hold you back! Good trouble, necessary trouble Hmmmm, keep goin' Good trouble, necessary trouble Don't let anything hold you back!
(My thanks to Melanie DeMore, VocalEssence Chorus, Ensemble Singers, Singers Of This Age, and Vintage Voices.)
WE ALL LIVE IN THE SAME HOUSE
BE CARING CATALYST ENOUGH
TO MAKE EVERYONE FEEL WELCOMED
JUST A MOMENT: I F (I maginary F riends)
We took our seven-year-old granddaughter, Evey to see the movie that John Krasinski and Ryan Reynolds were in called IF (Imaginary Friends)
A great movie that just doesn’t pull back the curtain on what I don’t want you to see, it rips it from their rod so that I could really see, feel, experience what I’ve never really lost or even forgotten so much as embarrassingly remember, and now kind of horrifyingly admit: I’VE GOT THEM; Yes. . . I’ve got THEM; not so much imaginary friends, IF’S, but things that bring me exceedingly comfort, peace, happiness, contentment and unconditional love
Oh, that’s right and the real fun began afterwards when we went back to their house and grandma helped plant flowers while Evey assisted and every time she took up a worm or yes, even a grub, she talk to it, named them, treated it is if they were her new best friends. Before playing in a bucket of mud (of which I don’t think her mom especially liked)
reveling in joy and hopefully never forgetting what I have most often:
YOU ARE ALWAYS A KID!
E N J O Y
HAVE FUN
DON’T EVER STOP
Now. . .about that Emotional Support Pile of Books. . .
FRIENDLY(LESS)
Come on everybody. . .
Let’s break out in a robust chorus of TOY STORY’S
YOU’VE GOT A FRIEND IN ME
o r
did the Pandemic take care of
T H A T,
t o o?
Did the Pandemic Make Us Less Friendly?
A new study observed rapid changes in personality during the pandemic, with people becoming less open, conscientious, agreeable, and extraverted. . .
For many of us, some personality traits stay the same throughout our lives, while others change only gradually. However, evidence shows that significant events in our personal lives that induce severe stress or trauma can be associated with more rapid changes in our personalities.

A new study, published in PLOS ONE, suggests the COVID pandemic has indeed triggered much greater shifts in personality than we would expect to have seen naturally over this period. In particular, the researchers found that people were less extroverted, less open, less agreeable, and less conscientious in 2021 and 2022 compared with before the pandemic.
This study included more than 7,000 participants from the U.S., aged between 18 and 109, who were assessed before the pandemic (from 2014 onwards), early in the pandemic in 2020, and then later in the pandemic in 2021 or 2022.
At each time point, participants completed the “Big Five Inventory.” This assessment tool measures personality on a scale across five dimensions: extroversion versus introversion, agreeableness versus antagonism, conscientiousness versus lack of direction, neuroticism versus emotional stability, and openness versus closedness to experience.
There weren’t many changes between pre-pandemic and 2020 personality traits. However, the researchers found significant declines in extroversion, openness, agreeableness and conscientiousness in 2021/2022 compared with before the pandemic. These changes were akin to a decade of normal variation, suggesting the trauma of the COVID pandemic had accelerated the natural process of personality change.
Interestingly, younger adults’ personalities changed the most in the study. They showed marked declines in agreeableness and conscientiousness, and a significant increase in neuroticism in 2021/2022 compared with pre-pandemic. This may be due in part to social anxiety when emerging back into society, having missed out on two years of normality.
Personality and well-being
Many of us became more health-conscious during the pandemic, for example by eating better and doing more exercise. A lot of us sought whatever social connections we could find virtually, and tried to refocus our attention on psychological, emotional, and intellectual growth—for example, by practicing mindfulness or picking up new hobbies.
Nonetheless, mental health and well-being decreased significantly. This makes sense given the drastic changes we went through.
Notably, personality significantly impacts our well-being. For example, people who report high levels of conscientiousness, agreeableness, or extroversion are more likely to experience the highest level of well-being.
So the personality changes detected in this study may go some way to explaining the decrease in well-being we’ve seen during the pandemic.
If we look more closely, the pandemic appears to have negatively affected the following areas:
- our ability to express sympathy and kindness toward others (agreeableness);
- our capacity to be open to new concepts and willing to engage in novel situations (openness);
- our tendency to seek out and enjoy other people’s company (extraversion);
- our desire to strive toward our goals, do tasks well, or take responsibilities toward others seriously (conscientiousness).
All of these traits influence our interaction with the environment around us and, as such, may have played a role in our well-being decline. For example, working from home may have left us feeling demotivated and as though our career was going nowhere (lower conscientiousness). This in turn may have affected our well-being by making us feel more irritable, depressed, or anxious.
What next. . . ?
Over time, our personalities usually change in a way that helps us adapt to aging and cope more effectively with life events. In other words, we learn from our life experiences and this subsequently impacts our personality. As we age, we generally see increases in self-confidence, self-control, and emotional stability.
However, participants in this study recorded changes in the opposite direction to the usual trajectory of personality change. This is understandable given that we faced an extended period of difficulties, including constraints on our freedoms, lost income, and illness. All these experiences have evidently changed us—and our personalities.
This study provides us with some very useful insights into the impacts of the pandemic on our psyche. These impacts may subsequently influence many aspects of our lives, such as well-being.
Knowledge allows us to make choices. So you might like to take the time to reflect on your experiences over the past few years, and how these personality changes may have affected you.
Any changes may well have protected you during the height of the pandemic. However, it’s worth asking yourself how useful these changes are now that the acute phase of the pandemic is behind us. Do they still serve you well, or could you try to rethink your perspective?
QUESTIONS WORTH EMBRACING
as we go about
not so much discovering
A n S w E r S
as actually
LIVING THEM
in new ways. . .
As we
Caring Catalysts
help others along
Their W a Y s
POOH’D ON
It occurred to Pooh and Piglet that they hadn’t heard from Eeyore for several days, so they put on their hats and coats and trotted across the Hundred Acre Wood to Eeyore’s stick house. Inside the house was Eeyore.
“Hello Eeyore,” said Pooh.
“Hello Pooh. Hello Piglet,” said Eeyore, in a Glum Sounding Voice.
“We just thought we’d check in on you,” said Piglet, “because we hadn’t heard from you, and so we wanted to know if you were okay.”
Eeyore was silent for a moment. “Am I okay?” he asked, eventually. “Well, I don’t know, to be honest. Are any of us really okay? That’s what I ask myself. All I can tell you, Pooh and Piglet, is that right now I feel really rather Sad, and Alone, and Not Much Fun To Be Around At All. Which is why I haven’t bothered you. Because you wouldn’t want to waste your time hanging out with someone who is Sad, and Alone, and Not Much Fun To Be Around At All, would you now.”
Pooh looked at Piglet, and Piglet looked at Pooh, and they both sat down, one on either side of Eeyore in his stick house.
Eeyore looked at them in surprise. “What are you doing?”
“We’re sitting here with you,” said Pooh, “because we are your friends. And true friends don’t care if someone is feeling Sad, or Alone, or Not Much Fun To Be Around At All. True friends are there for you anyway. And so here we are.”
“Oh,” said Eeyore. “Oh.” And the three of them sat there in silence, and while Pooh and Piglet said nothing at all; somehow, almost imperceptibly, Eeyore started to feel a very tiny little bit better.
Because Pooh and Piglet were There.
No more; no less.
(A.A. Milne, E.H. Shepard)
This is National Suicide Prevention Month and it could be the most important piece of information I have ever posted in the past 7 years of THE CARING CATALYST:
If you are in crisis, call the toll-free National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK (8255), available 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. The service is available to anyone. All calls are confidential. http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org
SUICIDE
Should never a month of it’s own
especially since every year there are more people who die
from suicide
General Statistics (USA)
Suicide is the 10th leading cause of death in the US for all ages. (CDC)
Every day, approximately 130 Americans die by suicide. (CDC)
There is one death by suicide in the US every 11 minutes. (CDC)
Depression affects 20-25% of Americans ages 18+ in a given year. (CDC)
Suicide takes the lives of over 48,500 Americans every year. (CDC)
The highest suicide rates in the US are among Whites, American Indians and Alaska Natives.
Only half of all Americans experiencing an episode of major depression receive treatment. (NAMI)
80% -90% of people that seek treatment for depression are treated successfully using therapy and/or medication. (TADS study)
An estimated 285,000 each year become suicide survivors (AAS).
There is one suicide for every estimated 25 suicide attempts. (CDC)
There is one suicide for every estimated 4 suicide attempts in the elderly. (CDC)
Global Statistics
For more information on suicide stats by region and country visit the World Health Statistics Data Visualizations Dashboard.
Nearly 800,000 people die by suicide in the world each year, which is roughly one death every 40 seconds.
Suicide is the 2nd leading cause of death in the world for those aged 15-24 years.
Depression is the leading cause of disability worldwide.
Gender Disparities
Suicide among males is 4x’s higher than among females. Male deaths represent 79% of all US suicides. (CDC)
Rates 1999 -2017 (CDC/nchs)
Firearms are the most commonly used method of suicide among males (51%). (CDC)
Females are more likely than males to have had suicidal thoughts. (CDC)
Females experience depression at roughly 2x’s the rate of men.(SMH)
Females attempt suicide 3x’s as often as males. (CDC)
Poisoning is the most common method of suicide for females. (CDC)
Age Disparities
1 in 100,000 children ages 10 to 14 die by suicide each year. (NIMH)
7 in 100,000 youth ages 15 to 19 die by suicide each year. (NIMH)
12.7 in 100,000 young adults ages 20-24 die by suicide each year. (NIMH)
The prevalence of suicidal thoughts, suicidal planning and suicide attempts is significantly higher among adults aged 18-29 than among adults aged 30+. (CDC)
Suicide is the 2nd leading cause of death for 15 to 24 year old Americans. (CDC)
Suicide is the 4th leading cause of death for adults ages 18-65. (CDC)
The highest increase in suicide is in males 50+ (30 per 100,000). (CDC)
Suicide rates for females are highest among those aged 45-54 (9 per 100,000). (CDC)
Suicide rates for males are highest among those aged 75+ (36 per 100,000). (CDC)
Suicide rates among the elderly are highest for those who are divorced or widowed. (SMH)
Sexual Orientation and Gender Identity
Lesbian, gay, and bisexual kids are 3x more likely than straight kids to attempt suicide at some point in their lives.
Medically serious attempts at suicide are 4x more likely among LGBTQ youth than other young people.
African American, Latino, Native American, and Asian Americanpeople who are lesbian, gay, or bisexual attempt suicide at especially high rates.
41% of trans adults said they had attempted suicide, in one study. The same study found that 61% of trans people who were victims of physical assault had attempted suicide.
Lesbian, gay, and bisexual young people who come from families that reject or do not accept them are over 8x more likely to attempt suicide than those whose families accept them.
Each time an LGBTQ person is a victim of physical or verbal harassment or abuse, they become 2.5x more likely to hurt themselves.
If you are in crisis, call the toll-free National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK (8255), available 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. The service is available to anyone. All calls are confidential. http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org
#mentalhealth #Friends #Friendship
WITH A LITTLE HELP
What would you think if I sang out of tune
Would you stand up and walk out on me?
Lend me your ears and I’ll sing you a song
And I’ll try not to sing out of key
Oh I get by with a little help from my friends
Mm I get high with a little help from my friends
Mm gonna try with a little help from my friends
What do I do when my love is away?
(Does it worry you to be alone?)
How do I feel by the end of the day?
(Are you sad because you’re on your own?)
No I get by with a little help from my friends
Mm I get high with a little help from my friends
Mm gonna try with a little help from my friends
(Do you need anybody?)
I need somebody to love
(Could it be anybody?)
I want somebody to love
(Would you believe in a love at first sight?)
Yes I’m certain that it happens all the time
(What do you see when you turn out the light?)
I can’t tell you, but I know it’s mine
Oh I get by with a little help from my friends
Mm I get high with a little help from my friends
Oh I’m gonna try with a little help from my friends
(Do you need anybody?)
I just need someone to love
(Could it be anybody?)
I want somebody to love
Oh I get by with a little help from my friends
Mm gonna try with a little help from my friends
Oh I get high with a little help from my friends
Yes I get by with a little help from my friends
With a little help from my friends
This song by the Beatles, written by Paul McCartney and John Lennon is a classic and on several of my personal playlists, not just because I love the tune, not just because I love the lyrics or even the message, so much as the truth that I’m better for having OTHERS in my life. . .
uhhhhhhhh, WE ALL DO
To get through life, we all need to ask for
help — here’s how NOT to do it
Social psychologist Heidi Grant shares 4 common ways that we inadvertently make things weird for other people when we request their assistance. Read this before your next ask.
Asking for help isn’t just about what you say and do; it’s also about what you don’t say and do. In her research, she found there are specific things you can say that can really backfire on you. Heidi shares here are 4 of the most common ways that well-intentioned people screw up and make things weird for their helper when they’re asking for help.
Wrong way #1: Emphasizing how much the other person will enjoy helping
“You’re going to love it! It will be so much fun!” One of my collaborators has a friend who has a habit of phrasing requests this way. “Any chance you could help me repaint the living room? We can totally drink beers and catch up! Girl time!” she might say.
Or, “Hey, could you pick me up at the auto mechanic? I haven’t seen you in ages! Road trip!” It’s a testament to the strength of their friendship that it survives this kind of request.
Don’t ever try to explicitly convince someone that they’ll find helping you rewarding. While it’s true helping makes people happy, reminding them generally drains their joy out of helping. First, it reeks of control, undermining their autonomy. Second, it’s presumptive as hell. Don’t tell them how they’re going to feel — that’s for them to decide.
It’s OK for you to point out the benefits of helping if you can be subtle. But you must be careful not to pile it on and mix egotistic reasons with altruistic reasons, because this makes your manipulation noticeable.
In one study, just under 1,000 alumni who had never donated to their college were contacted by fund-raisers via email. They received one of three versions of the appeal: (1) egotistic: “Alumni report that giving makes them feel good”; (2) altruistic: “Giving is your chance to make a difference in the lives of students, faculty, and staff,” and (3) a combined appeal. Researchers found both the egotistic and altruistic appeals were equally effective, but the combined appeal? It saw donation rates cut in half.
Wrong way # 2: Portraying the help you need as a tiny, insignificant favor
One common tactic is to portray the help we need as a piddling, negligible, barely there favor. So, we might emphasize the lack of inconvenience, as in, “Could you drop these contracts off at the client’s? It’s practically on your way home.” Or, we might stress how little time it will take: “Would you add these updates to the database? It won’t take you more than five minutes.”
The thing is, by minimizing our request, we also minimize the other person’s help — and minimize any warm feelings helping might have generated in them. There’s also the risk that we’ve miscalculated the size of our favor, especially if the person does work we don’t fully understand. For instance, Heidi’s book editor occasionally gets an email from an old friend asking her to take a look at his writing. It’s usually phrased as a small request, such as, “I think it’s pretty clean; maybe just give it a quick proofread? It shouldn’t take you very long!” Then, when she opens the attachment, the item is invariably a 6,000-word academic article. Oh, except for the time it was an entire book.
If you’ve been guilty of making this kind of ask, I don’t think it’s because you’re selfish. You’re just clueless. You have no idea of the hours of work you’re asking. But what you’re inadvertently doing is conveying that you think the work the other person does is easy, quick, trivial and not very taxing. And that’s not a great way to enlist help.
Chances are, you work every day with people whose duties you don’t understand that all, whether it’s IT, HR, compliance, sales or marketing. If you don’t quite get what goes into another person’s job, do not presume it won’t take them very long the next time you ask them for help.
Wrong way # 3: Reminding people that they owe you
“Remember when I took over that really tough client of yours?”
“Remember the time I babysat your screaming child?”
“Remember how you always used to forget your house key, and I always had to come home and let you in?”
Because asking for help makes us feel icky, we might be tempted to remind the potential helper how we’ve assisted them in the past. This, too, is fraught with awkwardness. For example, when Heidi’s book editor received that book in her inbox, she wanted to say no. But, for all the reasons that saying “no” is painful, she felt she couldn’t do that — not completely.
So, she wrote back, explained politely that he was asking her to do about 40 hours of work, and asked if there was one chapter he was particularly worried about. When he replied, he reminded her that he’d edited her writing back when she was a columnist. In theory, this might make sense. He had done her a favor and they were old friends, so she should do him one in return, right? Hmmmmmmmmmm. . .
While reciprocity does make people more likely to say “yes” to an ask, it also makes us feel controlled, which takes all the fun out of helping. Reciprocity works best when the acts of help are roughly equal. In this case, editing a few 500-word columns and editing a 50,000-word historical treatise are not equivalent. In addition, they should also be proximate in time — unless someone has done you a truly massive favor such as saving your life, they won’t feel they owe you anything 10 years down the line.
When you’re calling in a favor, you should try to tap into one of the specific types of reciprocity that psychologists have identified: personal, relational or collective. For example, Heidi’s editor is glad to edit for her neighbor, a carpenter who writes how-to articles for magazines, because they’ve helped her with house projects on numerous occasions. That’s an example of personal reciprocity; the exchange is a fairly clear trade. She’s also happy to edit her husband’s essays on fly-fishing (relational reciprocity) and proofread the grad-school application of her cousin’s boyfriend even though she doesn’t know him well (collective reciprocity).
The bottom line on reciprocity is this: If you have to remind someone they owe you one, chances are they don’t feel that they do. Reminding them that they owe you a favor makes the other person feel as if you’re trying to control them — which, let’s be honest, you are. It’s not particularly generous, and it doesn’t create good feeling. It’s like going out for pizza with a friend, only to be told you should pay more since you ate two extra slices. It makes the other person feel as if you’re keeping a scorecard, and scorekeeping is fundamentally bad for relationships.
Wrong way # 4: Talking about how much their help will benefit you
We all know we need to express gratitude and appreciation for other people’s help. Yet many of us often make a critical mistake when doing this: We focus on how we feel — how happy we are, how we have benefited from the help — rather than focusing on the benefactor.
Researchers Sara Algoe, Laura Kurtz and Nicole Hilaire at the University of North Carolina distinguished between two types of gratitude expressions: “other-praising,” acknowledging and validating the character or abilities of the giver (i.e., their positive identity), and “self-benefit,” describing how the receiver is better off for having been given help.
In one study, they observed couples expressing gratitude to one another for something their partner had recently done for them. Their expressions were coded as other-praising or self-benefit. Examples of expressions included:
Other-praising
“You’re so responsible …”
“You go out of your way …”
“I feel like you’re really good at that.”
Self-benefit
“It let me relax.”
“It gave me bragging rights at work.”
“It makes me happy.”
The benefactors rated how responsive they felt the gratitude giver had been, how happy they felt, and how loving they felt toward their partner. The researchers found that other-praising gratitude was strongly related to perceptions of responsiveness, positive emotions, and loving; self-benefit gratitude was not.
This is worth thinking about, because most of us get gratitude wrong. Human beings are, more often than not, egocentric by nature. We have a tendency to talk about ourselves, even when we should be thinking and talking about others. Naturally, when we get high-quality support, we want to talk about how it made us feel. And we assume it’s what the helper wants to hear, that they were helping to make us happy so they want to hear how happy we are. Well, this assumption isn’t quite right.
Yes, your helper wants you to be happy, but the motivation to be helpful is intimately tied to your helper’s identity and self-esteem. We help because we want to be good people — to live up to our goals and values and to be admired. Helpers want to see themselves positively, which can be difficult for them to do when you won’t stop talking about you. You’re making it all about you, and it should be about them.
(Excerpted with permission from the book Reinforcements: How to Get People to Help You by Heidi Grant. Published by Harvard Business Review Press. Copyright © 2018 by Heidi Grant.)
I have a very hard time
G E T T I N G
R E C E I V I N G
ASKING FOR HELP
but
I am at my best
my most blessed
when I am severely benefitted
c o m p l i m e n t e d
by ANOTHER
who can do for me
what I can’t or won’t do
for myself
which lets me know
Oh I get by with a little help from my friends
Mm gonna try with a little help from my friends
Oh I get high with a little help from my friends
Yes I get by with a little help from my friends
With a little help from my friends. . .
Let me hand it to you,
F R I E N D
FRIEND
OUR FRIEND tells the inspiring and extraordinary true story of the Teague family—journalist Matt (Casey Affleck), his vibrant wife Nicole (Dakota Johnson) and their two young daughters—and how their lives are upended by Nicole’s heartbreaking diagnosis of terminal cancer. As Matt’s responsibilities as caretaker and parent become increasingly overwhelming, the couple’s best friend Dane Faucheux (Jason Segel) offers to come and help out. As Dane puts his life on hold to stay with his friends, the impact of this life altering decision proves greater and more profound than anyone could have imagined. . .

S H O C K E R!!!!
I love the
gots-to-have-a-box-of-tissues-to-watch-this-movie
Kind of movies
but the ones that require the most tissues

are the ones who remind me
not who I could be,
b u t
WHO I COULD BE MORE OF
(KIND OF LIKE)

Pssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssst:
The best kind of a movie based on a true story is the
THE ONE YOU’RE STILL MAKING. . .
QUIET ON THE SET.
READY.
ACTION.
CUT.
THAT’S A (ongoing) WRAP
It’s time to be WHO YOU ARE for another,
not who you were
or who you’re going to be
but just simply,
beautifully who you are:
A FRIEND

A Caring Catalyst
R E Q U I E M – I M G
I never met her before.
I had never met him either. . .
A son who was bedside when his mother died, peacefully after suffering a stroke less than two weeks ago.
He made a very difficult decision:
TO RESPECT HER WISHES OF NO AGGRESSIVE TREATMENTS OR INTERVENTIONS.
She died, comfortably with her son by her side.
He instantly became an orphan with her last breath. . .No Father, No Mother, No Brothers, No Sisters. . .
But. . .he had F A M I L Y:
His daughter arrived shortly after her grandmother died and so did four of his best friends from A A
The scene quickly turned into a most sacred Requiem.
We surrounded the patient in a most perfect IMPERFECT circle and I asked one simple, significant question:
WHAT’S YOUR FAVORITE STORY ABOUT EMMA?
We quickly discovered it wasn’t O N E but many stories that started flowing. . .
each inspiring yet another
. . . and then another.
There was laughter. . .There was tears. . .There was silence. . .There was sacred RE-Member-ing.
There was a sacred
R E Q U I E M I N G
I shared a small prayer with us standing there holding hands but we all knew
THAT WHEN THE BENEDICTION IS LOVE the Song is the sweetest.
“T H E Y”
will tell you what is the most powerful force in the world today. . .
But make no mistake. . .the greatest force in and out of this world today is
OUR MEMORIES
OUR STORIES
OUR LOVE. . .that makes them so
R E Q U I E M – A B L E !
It’s one thing to tell THAT story . . .
Quite another to be a participant in it . . .
Something MORE to NOTICE
that we’re a THREAD in the Tapestry
that never fades but covers and comforts us all
as we become Notes in the ever unfolding,
never ending
R E Q U I E M
Sing it with me,
w i t h u s. . .
You’re already in the C h o i r, anyway. . .
There’s plenty of room in the Circle. . .
C o m p l e t e
U S
My KENZOKU
T H E Y
Say if you want a Friend, BE ONE. . . .
T H E Y
know nothing of
K E N Z O K U
It’s a Japanese word which means: “FAMILY.”
It’s a word that describes a relationship, though, it goes well beyond any sharing of actual DNA or genetic codes. It really goes to a deeper heart of the matter of lives lived as comrades from the distant past.
Have you ever had anyone like that in your life? DO YOU, right now?
It’s a relationship where time and distance do nothing to diminish the bond between these types of friends.
Now we’re told by the Psychologists that we can tell you what KENZOKU is, but we can’t be told exactly what
causes
creates
makes it possible. . . .
There’s the usual stuff: Common interests: We both loved basketball, books and music.
History: We both had similar losses, hopes, goals, and commitments.
Equality: We both didn’t need more from each other than the other
I met Joe Nicolella the very first day of 8th grade.
It was the very first day at the 6th new school I was now attending.
We quickly became the Junior Celtics because of not just our love of basketball, but our love of the Boston Celtics. We would play anyone two on two–all day–any season–any weather conditions–and honestly, I don’t remember losing any best of three games.
We read novels THAT WEREN’T ASSIGNED for School: THE GRAPES OF WRATH, Vonnegut, Hemingway, Faulkner, Updike, Wiesel, Bradbury, Cheever, ee cummings, Frost, errr, Shakespeare, well. . . we did disagree on him; I was right, he still sucks, whereas he ended up teaching him for a living.
We inadvertently bought each other harmonicas, pipes (when we thought it made us look much more intellectual than what we were), shared bottles of Mateus while discussing life in front of fires places that haven’t yet gone cold.
Though we didn’t go to college together we in many ways, we ended up doing the same things:
Enriching Others.
He as a teacher and a coach and now a semi-retired high-school athletic director.
Me as a minister, chaplain, speaker/writer.
He’s my friend, uhhh. . .
He’s my father (he’s 96 days older than me), uhhh. . .
He’s whatever I’ve needed in my life, even at times, before I needed it, uhhh. . .
He’s my Kenzoku.
Do you have one?
I have Four in my life, all different than the others, all Continents who have just not made up
My World…
but who thankfully, who have completed it in a most magnificent way. . .
and still do!
Under-DOSED
In the past two years, deaths from heroin overdoses doubled in the U.S. according to a new report from the Centers of Disease Control and Prevention.
“THEY” say one of the biggest reasons for the increase is because prescription pills like hydrocodone and oxycodone can go as much as $40 a pill whereas a small bag of heroin can sell for about $10.
I’m not all that surprised. I’ve done several CELEBRATION Services for those who are apart of that statistic.
Sad part?
T H E Y
ARE NOT A NUMBER. . .a STATISTIC.
T H E Y
are real people…real people of all ages…real people of all socio-ethinic groups…real people of all ages…real people of sexual orientations…real people of all socio-economic classes…
REAL PEOPLE.
Drew was two day short of being two years sober and drug free.
No one knows what happened. . .but an overdose was apparent without a Coroner’s Report.
‘GOD, GRANT ME THE SERENITY TO ACCEPT THE THINGS I CANNOT CHANGE
THE COURAGE TO CHANGE THE THINGS I CAN
AND THE WISDOM TO KNOW THE DIFFERENCE.’
“The Serenity Prayer” by Reinhold Niebuhr was read in unison as we began the Celebration Service for Drew. It’s become one of the most widely known prayers in the world. It touches people’s hearts from all walks of life.
“. . .LIVING ONE MOMENT AT A TIME;
ACCEPTING HARDSHIPS AS THE PATHWAY TO PEACE;
TAKING, AS HE DID, THIS SINFUL WORLD
AS IT IS, NOT AS I WOULD HAVE IT;
TRUSTING THAT HE WILL MAKE ALL THINGS RIGHT
IF I SURRENDER TO HIS WILL;
THAT I MAY BE REASONABLY HAPPY IN THIS LIFE
AND SUPREMELY HAPPY WITH HIM
FOREVER IN THE NEXT.
AMEN.”
. . .is how the rest of Niebuhr’s prayer goes/concludes.
WE
read that in unison, too, to end the service before Tim McGraw’s song, “BETTER THAN I USE TO BE.”
W O R D S
…words on a page….
But a Heart shouts what a mouth can never whisper.
You can’t take a photograph of a mom and dad, a sister and two brothers sitting in the first row and prove the cliche:
A PICTURE IS WORTH A THOUSAND OF WORDS
. . .not even 1000 x 1,000,000,000
One by one, father, brother, friend after friend came forward and told a story, shared a brief
‘once-upon-a-time,’ a ‘Remember-when,’ a choked out, ‘I love you,’ a couple of words: “Good-Bye” and “Thank-You.”
More than a son, a brother, a grandson, a nephew, a uncle, a friend, a counselor, a sponsor, a dog-lover, a alcoholic, a drug addict, an Overdose, a dead man. . .Drew was first and foremost:
L O V E D
“SOME SAY”
he never GOT IT. . .
…THAT he could have overdosed on L O V E
and WE. . .
it’s major DEALERS!
Maybe. . .maybe he was UNDERdosed…maybe WE all are….
IT’S THE THOUGHT THAT DANCED AROUND IN MY MIND
as Tim McGraw’s song ended The Celebration:
“YOU AIN’T GOTTA DIG TOO DEEP, IF YOU WANNA FIND SOME DIRT ON ME…BUT I’M LEARNING WHO YOU WERE AIN’T WHO YOU’VE GOT TO BE…I’VE PINNED A LOT OF DEMONS TO THE GROUND, I’VE GOT A FEW OLD HABITS LEFT, BUT THERE’S STILL ONE OR TWO I MIGHT NEED YOU TO HELP ME GET. STANDING IN THE RAIN SO LONG HAS LEFT ME WITH A LITTLE RUST…BUT PUT SOME FAITH IN ME AND SOMEDAY YOU’LL SEE THERE’S A DIAMOND UNDER ALL THIS DUST…I AIN’T NO ANGEL, I’VE STILL GOT A FEW MORE DANCES WITH THE DEVIL. I’M CLEANING UP MY ACT LITTLE BY LITTLE. I’M GETTING THERE, I CAN FINALLY STAND THE MAN IN THE MIRROR I SEE…I AIN’T AS GOOD AS I’M GONNA GET, BUT I’M BETTER THAN I USED TO ME…”
THEY SAY. . .it’s a Pandemic. . .
SOME SAY. . .it’s exactly what’s needed…person by person, one by one. . .
l o v e…
Love won’t cure any disease or distress. . .LOVE CURES NOTHING!
LOVER’S DO