Who Cares - What Matters
Sometimes FUNNY is less HA HA HA
and a lot more of AHHHH-HAAAAAA. . .
DARE WE BE QUIET. . .
DARE WE BE STILL. . .
NOW THAT YOU HAVE HEARD/SEEN THE POEM
R E A D
I T
KEEPING STILL Pablo Neruda (Translated from the Spanish by Dan Bellm) Now we will count to twelve and let’s keep quiet. For once on earth let’s not talk in any language; let’s stop for one second, and not move our arms so much. A moment like that would smell sweet, no hurry, no engines, all of us at the same time in need of rest. Fishermen in the cold sea would stop harming whales and the gatherer of salt would look at his hurt hands. Those who prepare green wars, wars with gas, wars with fire, victories with no survivors, would put on clean clothes and go for a walk with their brothers out in the shade, doing nothing. Just don’t confuse what I want with total inaction; it’s life and life only; I’m not talking about death. If we weren’t so single-minded about keeping our lives moving and could maybe do nothing for once a huge silence might interrupt this sadness of never understanding ourselves, of threatening ourselves with death; perhaps the earth could teach us; everything would seem dead and then be alive. Now I will count up to twelve and you keep quiet and I will go.
(My thanks for the poem to Pablo Neruda,
LIKE SO MANY TIMES WHEN POETRY POURS OVER ME. . .
IT POURS OUT OF ME IN A NOT SO QUIET SHUSHING:
Shhhhhhhhh
we were told
and often were offended
by this not-so-gentle
SHUTTING UP
but power it is
when we
Self-Shush
Even now
NOW
Do It
Shhhhhhhh yourself down
Hush Hush yourself
Quiet down
to a Peace that be found
no other way
Let the self-imposed Stillness
SCREAM at you
what you truly need to hear
(FALLING SILENT IS THE GENTLEST FALLING DOWN THERE IS)
NOW
shush yourself
(And have a HAPPY MONDAY in your own ‘shushed’ way)
Ok, I’m a little confused here, and now, maybe you are, too.
Does anybody know what the ORANGE PEEL THEORY is? I mean, I really thought an orange peel, was uhhhhh, you know, AN ORAGNE PEEL? You?
BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP! Thank you for playing, tell them what their consolation gift is, Johnny. . .
JANINA STEINMETZ VIA GETTY IMAGES
A new thesis regarding relationships has gained popularity all over TikTok in recent weeks.
Dubbed the “orange peel theory,” the idea involves the ability to understand your partner and their feelings; it’s based on their tendency to perform simple tasks for you whether asked to do them or not ― like peeling an orange.
Videos have surfaced all over the social media platform with folks urging their partners to peel oranges for them or, more generally, requesting help with something you’re easily able to do yourself.
“The orange peel theory focuses on the idea that small acts of service are not just about the action itself but about what it represents in the relationship,” said Kate Truitt, a board-certified psychologist and applied neuroscientist. “They signal care, love and commitment, and the repetition of the act enhances the overall health and happiness of the relationship. These gestures, often simple and seemingly mundane, are in fact pivotal in nurturing a loving, supportive and enduring partnership.”
Georgina Sturmer, a registered counselor at the British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy, said that the trend is really a commentary on “the nuts and bolts of a relationship.”
In fact, many on TikTok have come to celebrate ― or negatively comment on ― romantic relationships based on observations made with the orange peel theory in mind.
Does your significant other peel an orange for you without you having to ask because he or she knows how much the smell of the skin bothers you, for example? Or does he or she complain about your “constant asking” when you do request a favor?
“The idea is that we are all subconsciously seeking signals from our partner to reassure us of their affection,” Sturmer said. “Signals that show us that they have an intimate knowledge of our likes and dislikes, and that they are prepared to go out of their way to make us happy.”
According to Truitt, “regular, positive interactions are fundamental in creating a sense of security, trust and emotional bonding.”
That is all to say: Consistent acts of affection will not only prove that your partner cares for you, but they will also allow you to feel comfortable enough to explore the relationship further and, perhaps, deepen your connection. By demonstrating his or her appreciation for you through seemingly meaningless efforts, your partner will subconsciously give you the green light to feel even more secure in your relationship.
Truitt explained that kind gestures help build a positive emotional atmosphere that then “triggers the release of vital neurotransmitters like oxytocin, dopamine and serotonin.” These chemicals have been shown to reinforce positive feelings and, therefore, emotional connections.
In addition to providing an immediate sense of satisfaction and joy, these acts of kindness work to bolster the “foundations” of a relationship and one’s own sense of self, according to Truitt.
“This might sound obvious, but many of us carry around an inner critic that tells us that we are undeserving of kindness,” she said. “So when our partner offers a kind word, gesture or action, this strengthens the relationship between us, and it also boosts our own confidence and self-esteem.”
Some may contend that sporadic grand gestures may prove one’s love in their own way, perhaps even more than constant, small-scale actions — but the therapists don’t necessarily agree with that.
“Popular culture celebrates the grand gesture, like a proposal at the top of the Empire State Building, a dramatic race through an airport departure lounge,” Sturmer said. “These can be wonderful statements, but, in our everyday existence, the consistent caring interactions tell us that someone cares.”
Although the orange peel theory is clearly based on a specific action, the concept refers to a larger category of behaviors: everyday acts of tenderness that may not catch your attention immediately but, when put together, offer a pretty clear picture of your relationship status.
Examples of these quotidian efforts, according to Sturmer, include “cleaning dirty boots after a walk outside, collecting your partner at the bus station when it’s raining, refilling the gas in the family car when it’s running low.”
The key, according to the expert, is that the simple gesture goes unannounced and perhaps isn’t directly requested.
“It’s not accompanied with fanfare or an explicit requirement to show your appreciation,” she said.
Other examples may include ordering your partner’s favorite menu item from a restaurant before they can even ask, doing the dishes or bringing the mail in.
Truitt takes it a step further than the actionable aspect of the conversation, mentioning how certain behavioral dispositions fall under the scope of the theory, like active listening, expressions of appreciations, small feats of affection (“holding hands, hugs or a thoughtful note”), support during stress, quality time, consistent check-ins and celebrating successes.
It’s important to note that everyone has a different way of showing their appreciation and affection. However, if there is one thing that the orange peel theory has proved, it’s that small, consistent acts of kindness certainly help deliver the message that you care about someone. So how can you make sure that your partner knows this?
According to Truitt, there are a few ways. To start, lead by example.
“Often the best way to encourage behavior is to model it yourself,” she said. “Engage in small acts of kindness towards your partner regularly, which could range from a thoughtful note to a warm embrace, demonstrating the kind of affection and care you value.”
Communication is a big part of the subject as well, but, according to Truitt, it’s important to understand that the goal of any conversation is to enhance the relationship, not to “criticize your partner.”
You should therefore choose the right time and setting to bring the conversation up, focus on the positive aspects of your connection while also being specific about your desires. You might have to “clearly express what small gestures” you’re talking about, Truitt explained. Being direct is always the best course of action.
Don’t forget to also ask your partner’s take on it, Sturmer said. In addition to role-modeling the behavior, she suggested talking about what’s stopping your partner from fulfilling your needs.
“Maybe they’re assuming that you might find him or her doing things for you patronizing,” she said. “They’re worried about annoying you.” The solution? Direct communication.
One more tip: To ease into the conversation, Sturmer said, you might actually want to show your partner the various viral videos. “It gives you a chance to chat about it without making it feel personal.”
SERIOUSLY. . .
ORANGE YOU GLAD YOU KNOW THIS, NOW?
(so sorry; I couldn’t resist)
Pretty good story and even a better way of having Mark Twain, uhhh, tell it, right? What made me dig a little deeper about this is the following:
Did you know that if you put 100 black ants and 100 red ants in a jar, nothing will happen? But if you shake the jar hard, the ants start killing each other. The red ants consider the black ants their enemies, and the black ants consider the red ants their enemies. The true enemy is the one shaking the jar. The same thing happens in human society. So, before we attack each other, we should think about who is shaking the jar!
Credit: Kurt Vonnegut
I sent this to my friend, Joe and we both concurred, “OH, YES! This is classic Kurt” who is one of our favorite authors going waaaaaay back to our high school and college days.
Where is gets even more interesting is that I searched exactly what book or article of Kurt’s did this come from only to find out it was often attributed to his great book, CAT’S CRADLE, but alas, further digging led me to another of my favorite, author’s, Mark Twain.
WHICH LEADS ME TO ASK ONE MORE OF A GA-ZILLION TIMES
WHO’S SHAKING YOUR JAR. . . ?
AND AN EVEN MORE IMPORTANT QUESTION:
WHO’S JAR ARE YOU SHAKING?
THE OXFORD ENGLISH DICTIONARY
THE O. E. D.
It’s been one of my constant companions since my college days. Way before that I had a love affair with WORDS and books filled with WORDS and poetry who plays with WORDS. . .
I N T O X I C A T I N G
Likewise
I like to know not only the root of the word and where it came from but also phrases and their origins, too. . .
L I K E:
People used to use urine to tan animal skins, so families used to all pee in a pot & then once a day it was taken & Sold to the tannery…….if you had to do this to survive you were “Piss Poor”
But worse than that were the really poor folk who couldn’t even afford to buy a pot……they “didn’t have a pot to piss in” & were the lowest of the low
The next time you are washing your hands and complain because the water temperature isn’t just how you like it, think about how things used to be.
Here are some facts about the 1500s:
Most people got married in June because they took their yearly bath in May, and they still smelled pretty good by June.. However, since they were starting to smell . …… . Brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the body odor. Hence the custom today of carrying a bouquet when getting Married.
Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water. The man of the house had the privilege of the nice clean water, then all the other sons and men, then the women and finally the children. Last of all the babies. By then the water was so dirty you could actually lose someone in it.. Hence the saying, “Don’t throw the baby out with the Bath water!”
Houses had thatched roofs-thick straw-piled high, with no wood underneath. It was the only place for animals to get warm, so all the cats and other small animals (mice, bugs) lived in the roof. When it rained it became slippery and sometimes the animals would slip and fall off the roof… Hence the saying “It’s raining cats and dogs.”
There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house. This posed a real problem in the bedroom where bugs and other droppings could mess up your nice clean bed. Hence, a bed with big posts and a sheet hung over the top afforded some protection. That’s how canopy beds came into existence.
The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other than dirt. Hence the saying, “Dirt poor.” The wealthy had slate floors that would get slippery in the winter when wet, so they spread thresh (straw) on floor to help keep their footing. As the winter wore on, they added more thresh until, when you opened the door, it would all start slipping outside. A piece of wood was placed in the entrance-way. Hence: a thresh hold.
In those old days, they cooked in the kitchen with a big kettle that always hung over the fire.. Every day they lit the fire and added things to the pot. They ate mostly vegetables and did not get much meat. They would eat the stew for dinner, leaving leftovers in the pot to get cold overnight and then start over the next day. Sometimes stew had food in it that had been there for quite a while. Hence the rhyme: Peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold, peas porridge in the pot nine days old. Sometimes they could obtain pork, which made them feel quite special. When visitors came over, they would hang up their bacon to show off. It was a sign of wealth that a man could, “bring home the bacon.” They would cut off a little to share with guests and would all sit around and chew the fat.
Those with money had plates made of pewter. Food with high acid content caused some of the lead to leach onto the food, causing lead poisoning death. This happened most often with tomatoes, so for the next 400 years or so, tomatoes were considered poisonous.
Bread was divided according to status. Workers got the burnt bottom of the loaf, the family got the middle, and guests got the top, or the upper crust.
Lead cups were used to drink ale or whisky. The combination would Sometimes knock the imbibers out for a couple of days. Someone walking along the road would take them for dead and prepare them for burial.. They were laid out on the kitchen table for a couple of days and the family would gather around and eat and drink and wait and see if they would wake up. Hence the custom of holding a wake.
England is old and small and the local folks started running out of places to bury people. So they would dig up coffins and would take the bones to a bone-house, and reuse the grave. When reopening these coffins, 1 out of 25 coffins were found to have scratch marks on the inside and they realized they had been burying people alive… So they would tie a string on the wrist of the corpse, lead it through the coffin and up through the ground and tie it to a bell. Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard all night (the graveyard shift.) to listen for the bell; thus, someone could be, saved by the bell or was considered a dead ringer.
INTERESTING STUFF. . . ?
In my mind there’s only one thing more interesting:
P E O P L E
and the simple, powerful question of
WHAT DO YOU MEAN BY THAT
O R
even better,
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN FOR YOU?
Yeah, I love me my words
(and people who use them)
L A S T
Friday, JANUARY 12, 2024 was
NATIONAL QUITTERS DAY. . .
It’s always the second Friday in January
and yes. . .
just in case you missed celebrating
LAST FRIDAY
(I gave you 5 extra days, just in case)
No WORRIES–
Monday, January 15 was
NATIONAL DITCH NEW YEAR’S RESOLUTION DAY
. . .uhhhh, most likely you might have missed
THAT DAY, too
b u t
“Early slips do not predict failure,” says Norcross, who also authored the study about resolutions. “In fact, many ultimately successful resolvers report—even as they experience them—that the early slips strengthen their resolutions.”
ARE YOU ONE OF THE QUITTERS
ARE YOU ONE OF THE DITCHERS
Lot of questions. . .
especially when it surrounds
R E S O L U T I O N S. . .
DO YOU
Make T H E M
Keep T H E M
Break T H E M
. . .Uhhhhhhhhhh just like everything else. . .
There’s a SCIENCE
To Resolutions
and Most Definitely why they just don’t work. . .
GOOD NEWS ?
Only If there’s another alternative. . .
one that
T H E S T U D I E S
tell us are much more effective:
H A B I T S
How many New Year’s resolutions have you made in your life? How many have you successfully accomplished? The estimate is that less than 10% of New Year’s resolutions are actually achieved so says the good Psychology Professor John C. Norcross, Ph.D.). There’s a lot of homespun folksy advice out there this time of year about how to make sure you reach your New Year’s goals, but I thought I’d share the actual science of how to change behavior.
There’s two main lines of brain and behavior science that influence New Year’s resolutions: The science of habits and the science of self-stories.
Let’s start with the science of habits
A lot of New Year’s resolutions have to do with making new habits or changing existing ones. If your resolutions are around things like eating healthier, exercising more, drinkingless, quitting smoking, texting less, spending more time “unplugged” or any number of other “automatic” behaviors then we are talking about changing existing habits or making new habits. Habits are automatic, “conditioned” responses. You get up in the morning and stop at Starbucks for a pastry and a latte. You go home at the end of work and plop down in front of the TV. Here’s what you need to know about the science of changing existing habits or making new ones:
To create a new habit you have to follow these three steps (based on B.J. Fogg and Charles Duhigg)
E A S Y
If you take these three steps and you practice them 3 to 7 days in a row your new habit will be established.
Now let’s tackle the science of self-stories
The best (and some would say the only) way to get a large and long-term behavior change, is by changing your self-story.
Everyone has stories about themselves that drive their behavior. You have an idea of who you are and what’s important to you. Essentially you have a “story” operating about yourself at all times. These self-stories have a powerful influence on decisions and actions.
Whether you realize it or not, you make decisions based on staying true to your self-stories. Most of this decision-making based on self-stories happens unconsciously. You strive to be consistent. You want to make decisions that match your idea of who you are. When you make a decision or act in a way that fits your self-story, the decision or action will feel right. When you make a decision or act in a way that doesn’t fit your self-story you feel uncomfortable.
If you want to change your behavior and make the change stick, then you need to first change the underlying self-story that is operating. Do you want to be more optimistic? Then you’d better have an operating self-story that says you are an optimistic person. Want to join your local community band? Then you’ll need a self-story where you are outgoing and musical.
In his book, Redirect, Timothy Wilson describes a large body of impressive research of how stories can change behavior long-term. One technique he has researched is “story-editing”:
The technique of story-editing is so simple that it doesn’t seem possible that it can result in such deep and profound change. But the research shows that one re-written self-story can make all the difference.
I’ve tried both of these techniques — creating new habits using the 3-step method, and creating a new self-story. The research shows they work, and my own experience shows they work.
Give it a try. What have you got to lose? This year use science to create and stick to your New Year’s resolutions.
What do you think? What has worked for you in keeping your resolutions?
References
Timothy Wilson’s book, Redirect
Charles Duhigg’s book, The Power of Habit:
PEICE OF CAKE ?
Ooops. . .
Maybe the wrong kind of analogy, huh?
But if you’re going to get tough once and for all
on Resolutions
just 17 days into a brand New Year:
This BOOK is your Life
Your’s to CHOOSE
Your’s to DECIDE
Your’s to DETERMINE
If it’s open
If pages are to be Turned
If Chapters are to be RIPPED OUT
If Paragraphs are to be Deleted
If Sentences are to be Blackend-Out
Y O U R ‘ S
A brand new year
not because it’s 17 Days old
and very much in its Infancy
A B R A N D N E W Y E A R
b e c a u s e
. . .and so now the only
real question that makes any difference
this year
last year
next year
i s
WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO ABOUT IT ?
NATIONAL QUITTERS DAY
NATIONAL DITCH YOUR NEW YEAR’S RESOLUTION DAY
Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm. . .
You want a good Resolution?
Make a Resolution to be a
NO-SHOW
for those celebrations
(MAKE A HABIT OF IT)
QUIT THAT!
HAPPY MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR DAY
Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm. . .
We don’t quite say that the way that we do
HAPPY BIRTHDAY
HAPPY NEW YEAR
HAPPY HANUKKAH
HAPPY HALLOWEEN
HAPPY VALENTINE’S DAY
HAPPY EASTER
h u h. . .
Like most Monday morning blogs this is not a video that I researched or that I sought out, it is one that found me and now haunts me. As I listen to this video from Martin Luther King Jr. about the Good Samaritan, which was a part of his I HAVE BEEN TO THE MOUNTAIN TOP speech, I quickly realized that not only am I not the Good Samaritan, I am not even close to being the not-so-Good-Samaritan.
Quick: if you could describe your life to this point in just one single word what would it be? Seriously, mine might be ENCHANTED. I live a ENCHANTED LIFE; I really do. I am a severely white privileged male that has never really felt what racism is all about; or poverty; or disadvantage; or choice of sexual orientation, or. . . . Now don’t get me wrong, I’ve worked hard for everything that I’ve gotten and I’ve tried to do right by another person, not just by treating them the way that I want to be treated but really trying to go the extra step past the Mountain Top and finding out how they would like to be treated and then actually treating them that way. I have never joined a demonstration. I have never participated in a March. I have never protested. I would like to believe that part of me being a Caring Catalyst and trying to be a better One each day, is trying to convince myself that person by person the world itself changes and that I have an active part in participating in that every single encounter that I have with every single person.
No, I’m not a Good Samaritan. I’m the guy that is too busy to stop because I have business to do; important business, maybe even business that affects peoples lives. No, I’m not a Good Samaritan not because I don’t stop and help, or because I’m sometimes afraid I may to become that victim I too, may be misunderstood or harshly judged. No, but possibly because I have a great way of RATIONALIZING everything away so that I can feel just a little bit better about myself (one-not-that-all-important-act-but-makes-me-look-good-without-trying-all-that-hard. . . .
I don’t do good with vacations or paid time off, so every year I rarely take a week or two weeks off at a time. I’m better at taking days off especially Friday and Mondays. I, on purpose, take my birthday off. I take my wife, Erin’s, Birthday off. I take off good Friday every year usually the Monday after Easter and yes now Martin Luther King Jr. Day. I usually take these days off to spend them with people that I love and people who love me. In particular, I take off Martin Luther King Jr. Day, just like Good Friday, to reflect, to ask myself, ‘why am I not the not-so-Good Samaritan; why am I the one that would go to the other side of the road; why am I the one, that being as privileged as I am, would make myself feel better by literally, just writing a check and mailing it in? Tough questions, but not always elicit the most honest answers. Somehow, just asking the questions helps, eases me as it inspires, challenges me not by attempting to answering the questions with my words or my mouth, but with my actions. Hoping, just hoping, that what I might do for ANOTHER, personally, intentionally, and yes maybe even, intimately, will not only be world changing for them but also mean the universe to me, too.
HAPPY MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR. DAY
. . .today. . .tomorrow. . .for-an-ever
let’s not pass each other by
but attend to each’s wounds
and heal as we are healed
no matter what
no matter who
no matter when
no matter how
NOW
to get one step higher than
THE MOUNTAIN TOP
W A I T. . .
W H A T. . .
C H R I S T M A S
I S
O V E R
(UNLESS IT ISN’T)
THE DECORATIONS
and all of the festivities are down
and safely packed away
and now the memories
safely secured and kept
some 18 days
P A S T
christmas but. . .
I’m a firm believer that
Christmas isn’t a day
or a season
or a 12 Day song
so much as a
L I F E S T Y L E
and that the greatest
Christmas Moments
don’t come all at once
or on a given
day, season, song, event, occurrence
BUT ALL OF THE TIME
When I first saw this, I didn’t read the following caption/words; I let it shout everything I was seeing that my ears could no way hear but my heart heard perfectly…
The image above is an Anglican Rosary. It was made by the loving hands and intention of Reverend Rosalind Hughes at
Church of the Epiphany
Episcopal Church of Euclid, Ohio
This Rosary is made from a melted down gun that was safely surrendered through the Church’s Guns to Gardens program.
The wood is from the handle of the gun and the beads are from the metal.
I’m going to pray on this powerful Rosary of transformation, in order to release all my own personal triggers. I’m going to pray on it in order to ask for forgiveness for my own thoughts that are of judgment and attack.
I’m going to pray on it for the children of Cleveland and Gaza and Israel and Ukraine.
I’m going to pray on it for all of us. That we may learn to drop our swords, heal our triggers and find our truest safety by loving and caring for one another.
May you be blessed by loving kindness and mercy during this season of light. And may we all find our way towards uncovering the internal and ever lasting light that shines within us.
Blessed Be We. Love and Blessings to all.
When I read my colleague, my friend’s Mary’s post, I immediately reached out to her and asked her about this beautiful Rosary; I wanted one, and instead of telling me first where she got it, she actually brought me one she also had that had not been gifted to her but now she wanted to Gift to me. . .
Ohhh, but wait, CHRISTMAS IS JUST A DAY, A SEASON, A sentiment in a set of songs or carols, uhhh, not THAT DAY, NOT THAT MOMENT; THE GIFT, as it often is was THE GIVER and my, my my, did a get GIFTS from GIVERS who turn out so powerfully to be my most precious GIFTS of all. . .
I would like to think that I am not a humble Receiver but a most grateful Beneficiary of some of the most generous-blessed-wrapped-in-flesh-bestowers beyond imagination.
So when the 25th of every month comes around for the next 11 months and I shout out to you:
HAPPY PRACTICE CHRISMTAS
I hope it’ll have your Yule log glowing bright
and your Christmas Heart beating strong
And how about one last
GIFT
from this grateful Given
What a great song
WHAT A BETTER CONCEPT:
WE ARE ALL ADOPTED
in one way or another
traveling through this world as
one big family
each of us a member
trying to not only find our way
but be included in
A WAY
that’s far bigger than any
ONE OF US
but includes each and every one of us. . .
What are you doing right now
purposely
intently
intimately
to include Others
. . .to show them
. . .to make Another
feel like they belong and that they are going to
L O V E
I T
H E R E
Grant Snider over atIncidental Comics
reminds us:“The stories we tell ourselves shape our reality. We may try to box ourselves in, but we’re much more expansive and multifaceted than we think. Maybe if we tried to count our sides, they’d approach infinity—like a circle.”
(My thanks to Grant Snider.
And Happy Ongoing New Year to YOU!)
