The Caring Catalyst

Who Cares - What Matters

The Boat Holds Us ALL

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We’ve often wondered if maybe
THE BOAT WAS BIG ENOUGH
and over these past few weeks
the question has been answered
THERE IS NO ONE ON THE SHORE
We are all in the Boat
that’s getting rocked
and at times
seemingly taking on more
w a t e r
than it might be able to handle
. . .but with all of this rocking about
and the absence of a
SURE
SHORE
we are finding
Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
y e s
we are all in
this boat
t o g e t h e r

SO. . .
Does Our Culture Affect Our Motivation to Be Kind
as we find our spot
in the Boat. . . ?

A recent study suggests that kindness makes us happy across cultures—with some subtle differences.

 SHANNA B. TIAYON is a journalist that started to look around the bow to take a look at that question and how it finds an answer in US

When you perform an act of kindness for someone, what’s your motivation? Do you think about how it will make the beneficiary feel, or how it will make you feel—or maybe you don’t think about the benefits at all?

The answer might depend on what culture you belong to, hypothesized the researchers behind a new study. However, exactly how this works isn’t so cut and dried, as they found out when conducting experiments in the U.S. and South Korea—reminding us that we have a lot to learn about how kindness works in different cultures.

The experiments included nearly 650 undergraduate students from public universities in the U.S. and South Korea. As the researchers explain, the U.S. is generally considered an independent culture, where individuals see themselves as autonomous and are more focused on individual rights, while South Korea represents an interdependent culture, where individuals see themselves as connected and most interested in the good of the collective. 

On the first day of the study, participants reported on their positive and negative feelings, their life satisfaction, and their feelings of connectedness with others, among other things. Then, participants were randomly assigned to read news articles that highlighted one of the following themes: 1) the benefits of kindness to self, 2) the benefits of kindness to others, or 3) the personal benefits of being organized (the control group). 

Next, all participants were asked to perform as many acts of kindness as they liked before the end of the week, as long as the acts took place on the same day. As examples, the researchers suggested “helping your parents cook dinner, doing a chore for your sister or brother, helping a friend with homework, visiting an elderly relative, or writing a thank-you letter.” On day eight of the study, participants repeated the same well-being surveys. 

The results showed that U.S. students who read about the benefits of kindness to self experienced increases in positive mood, life satisfaction, and feelings of connectedness and a decrease in negative feelings compared to the control group. 

As the researchers explain, “Members of individualist cultures may benefit from prosocial [kind and helpful] behavior when it is explicitly framed as a way by which to pursue their own personal happiness.”

These findings held despite the fact that 52 percent of the U.S. students were Asian or Asian American. On surveys, these students tended to identify highly with American culture—suggesting that your orientation toward kindness may have more to do with where you live than your culture of origin. 

The researchers expected that South Korean students would get more out of kindness after hearing how it benefits others—but that wasn’t the case. Their well-being wasn’t any higher than the control group who read about organization. 

Why not? The researchers suggest that the study may have been biased toward individualistic notions of well-being. For example, the news article talked about how kindness benefits other individuals, rather than explaining how it fosters group harmony. Also, the surveys asked about personal feelings and personal life satisfaction, versus the more collective experience of well-being that might be valued by South Koreans. 

In the U.S., thinking about the benefits we get from performing acts of kindness can make us feel selfish, but there’s no harm in viewing kindness as a win-win for ourselves and others. This study suggests we might even reap more happiness by doing so. Outside the U.S., though, psychology still has a lot to learn about the relationship between kindness and well-being and the best way to motivate acts of kindness in other cultures.

Can we
HOLD THIS SPACE
for others now more than ever
as we’re all tossed together
in a Boat
we never meant to board
but made us passengers
one and all
just the same. . .

It won’t matter much
how we all got
in The Boat
or just how different we are
or where we happen to be sitting
THE WAVE
has come over
on all sides
and soaked us
we’re all dripping wet;
the question isn’t so much is it water
as it is
compassion
kindness
consideration
acceptance
empathy
l o v e
or will it ultimately be
US
and not the wave at all
that sinks us

Psssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssst:
WE
ARE
THE
A N S W E R
TO THAT QUESTION
and it desperately needs
answered
on kind act
at a time
. . .research the
data keepers are waiting to document
and report


Making a S P L A S H

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“When you were born, you cried, and the world rejoiced. Live your life in such a manner that when you die, the world cries and you rejoice.”

Can you
DO YOU
Dare Imagine
that we were created for a time like this;
not for a time 359 years ago
or 3500 years ago
or 680 years in the future
b u t
NOW
HERE
THESE MOMENTS

Y O U
are more than a single drop in the Ocean;
YOU ARE A RIPPLE-MAKER

The best
S P L A S H
you can ever make
requires no water. . .
Drown us in goodness

Hey. . .
Try practicing being selfless everyday,
Just a thought. . . .

THRIVING Surviving

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EVERYTHING THAT’S BEEN UNRAVELING
OVER THE PAST FEW WEEKS
AND NOW FOR THE FORESEEABLE FUTURE. . .
well, it’s enough to make your head explode;
S O :

How DO YOU Keep the Greater Good in Mind During the Coronavirus Outbreak

In the midst of our panic around COVID-19, we must look to each other to help us get through it.

Recently, journalist  JILL SUTTIE wrote an article that gave us a peek about how we can do better doing better. . .

Should we expect more cooperation and compassion in the face of an epidemic? Because, contrary to popular belief, crises often tend to bring out the best in people. A report that looked at how people responded during the September 11th Twin Tower attacks showed that people bent over backwards to help others escape, sometimes at great personal risk to themselves. Other reports on the aftermath of natural disasters show that strangers will stick out their necks for each other to help.

While it’s true that sometimes disasters can lead to a minority taking advantage of the situation—for example, stealing people’s possessions when they have to leave their house—this is not a common response, much as it grabs headlines. Instead, when we face a common enemy, like an epidemic, we are more likely to pull together for the benefit of everyone.

Notice how many young and healthy people are taking seriously the need to wash their hands frequently, cover their mouths when they cough, stay home when sick, or wear masks when in public. Sure, no one wants to get sick—but, at the same time, no one wants to be responsible for making others sick. 

In fact, research shows that protecting others is a huge motivator for doing the right thing. For example, one study looked at what prompts handwashing behavior in hospital doctors and nurses. Researchers found that signs saying, “Hand hygiene prevents patients from catching diseases,” were more effective at prompting handwashing than signs simply saying, “Hand hygiene prevents you from catching diseases.” In other words, appealing to the health care workers’ altruistic care for their patients was more effective than appealing to their self-interest.

In fact, it may simply be human nature to be kind and helpful when others need us. In one recent study, children only four to five years old who were told that resisting a treat would benefit another child were better able to delay gratification than children told their actions would only affect themselves. Similarly, babies as young as 19 months old were willing to give food away to someone who appeared to need it, even when hungry themselves. 

Of course, not everyone acts altruistically in these situations. So, what makes it more likely they will, and how can we use that to our advantage? Here are four ways we can encourage more altruism for fighting the virus.

1. Look to the heroes

There will always be heroic efforts in a disaster—people who sacrifice themselves for the good of others. Think of the health care workers who are treating people infected with this virus at great personal risk. Or those infected with the virus who voluntarily isolate themselves for weeks to protect the public.

When we hear stories of these people, we feel what is called moral elevation—a warm feeling inside that inspires us, fueling optimism and a desire to act altruistically ourselves. While the temptation might be to focus on fear and everything going wrong, we can redirect our attention to those who are doing the right thing, which will lead us to be better citizens ourselves. 

2. Stay calm and focused

It’s easy to be lost in fear when disaster strikes. However, it doesn’t help anyone to stir up panic about the situation, because we don’t think as clearly when we are in emergency mode. You can see how this has played out already, as people have been stockpiling masks and creating a shortage that could affect the people who truly need them—those who are sick and need masks to avoid spreading the disease to the rest of us.

How can we stay calmer and make wiser choices? One way is to use whatever tools you have at your disposal for keeping a cool head—like practicing mindfulness, which has been shown to both lessen emotional reactivity and help us make better decisions. We might take a walk in the park or nearby woods and let nature soothe us. Or we could talk to a friend—a calm friend, that is—who can help us reduce our anxiety.  

Of course, our normal ways of connecting socially—like singing together at a concert or going to large parties—may have to change. But whatever we can do to maintain an air of calm, and to spread it to those around us, the better. After all, our emotions tend to be contagious in our social circles, and we should do our best to keep fear and panic contained. 

3. Show gratitude

One of the kindest things we can do is to say “thank you” to those who are doing what they can to fight the outbreak. As with my son’s university, it doesn’t hurt to send a message of thanks to people and organizations that are doing the right thing—whether it’s a tour group that offers refunds for cancelled trips, the neighbor who delivers a spare mask to you, or viral experts who give you straight-up information on how to stay safe.

When we show gratitude toward others, we let them know that their actions matter, which encourages more of the same kind of behavior—not only toward the grateful person but to others. Creating a cycle of altruism is helpful when we are faced with a challenge that affects us all, helping to foster trust in each other and care for each other’s plight.

4. Remember our common humanity and show compassion

When we are fearful, our first instinct might be to cast blame on others or to indulge in prejudice toward groups we see as responsible. News reportsalready show that some people of Asian descent in the United States are finding themselves shunned or the victims of racist profiling, simply because the virus appears to have originated in China. Though we might rationally know that no one person or country can be blamed for a viral outbreak, our minds still seek simple explanations. 

Research suggests that when we recognize our common humanity and show compassion, we are more likely to pull together and to solve issues that may be complex in nature. You can start by giving yourself some compassion, which can help you become more willing to admit mistakes and take steps to correct them. This is important, as human error can be costly when there is a viral outbreak, and we need to work together to learn from our mistakes. 

Of course, all of these guidelines don’t supplant the importance of practicing good hygiene. We need to continue to frequently wash our hands and avoid touching our faces, so that we can lessen the chance of infecting ourselves and others. But we also should remember our
 social hygiene—looking for the heroes, staying calm ourselves, being grateful, and remembering our common humanity. In this way, we can help to make the world safer for all of us.

Psssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssst:
You don’t need a crystal ball to know that
it doesn’t matter what you hold in your hand
so much as how you extend what you hold
to others. . .
DO THAT
and the immediate
the most intimate
World around you
not only becomes richer;
you become priceless
Y O U
T H R I V E
S U R V I V I N G

In the MEAN time

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meantime (n.)

also mean time, mid-14c., mene-time, “interim, interval between one specified time and another” (now only in in the mean time), from mean (adj.2) “middle, intermediate” + time (n.). Late 14c. as an adverb, “during the interval (between one specified time and another).” As a noun, properly written as two words but commonly as one, after the adverb. In the mean space “meanwhile” was in use 16c.-18c.

Have you ever done that. . . ?
Thought
. . .Actually used a word or a phrase
thinking it to be one thing
but having it literally have a different
d e f i n i t i o n
. . .u s e

Maybe it’s just all about
P E R S P E C T I V E
of not just how we see things
but how
YOU
see them
and more,
SHARE THEM. . .
“IN THE MEANTIME,”
I’ve said that a million of times
seemingly using it in the right way
as defined from above
but these past two weeks
with the World
literally being turned on its axis
it’s taken on another
a not-so-great-new-meaning:

In the
M E A N
time
See it?
GET IT?
BELIEVE IT?
Are we living in the
MEAN
time
and by
M E A N
I mean
Nasty
Evil
Low
Vile
Stingy
Despicable
Contemptible
Cruel
Wicked
Vicious
Malicious
Immoral
Unethical
Hateful
Unkind
Wretched
Selfish
(Did I miss any?)
Over toilet paper
Hand sanitizer
Bottled water
Food
Cleaning equipment
Personal Protective Equipment
Attitudes
Beliefs
Prejudices
(Did I miss any?)

But in the
MEAN
time
I choose to be
kind
loving
forgiving
accepting
compassionate
brave
hopeful
grateful
sympathetic
empathetic
caring
inspiring
aspiring
faithful
friendly
confident
motivated
motivating
serving
giving
healing
happy
inclusive
(Did I miss any?)
Then. . .
Help me fill in the
BLANK
but in the
M E A N
time


OUT OF THE BOX

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I M A G I N E
What would it be like
if we never
c a t e g o r i z e d
people;
If we never put them into boxes
so that we could not only
describe
define
but literally
box them up. . .

Our world has changed dramatically
over the past week
and the
c H a n G e
is not over
. . .not ever day
but ever moment
it seems to continually be
evolving in a way
at a speed
none of us have ever
e x p e r i e n c e d
illustrating in a way we’ve never known
that there is no longer
A THEM
but an
U S. . .

The World
is literally yelling for us to
S T O P
just for a little bit of
N O W
while the we come to understand
with a little discomfort
that
T E M P O R A I L Y
never is
permanently. . .
With THIS certainty:

There is no need waiting for
L O V E
to take Shape
when it is
boundlessly
Shapeless

WORRIED

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ARE YOU WORRIED ?
It’s a honest question
with all that’s been cancelled
and Changed over the past
few days. . .

So. . .
are you,
ARE YOU AFRAID?

My 401K account; my retirement funds have taken a severe hit over the past month. . .
Should I be worried?

My wife and I and a great many of my friends and family fits the profile of the most at-risk list for COVID-19. . .
Should I be worried?

Our global panic led three out of five groups yesterday to cancel planned speaking engagements for later these next two months. . . Should I be worried?

What about you? Was the past couple of days terrible for you? Are you having to face the prospect of suddenly home-schooling your kids? Canceling a trip? Losing sales? Letting go of several team members? Quarantining (or hospitalizing) a family member?

Should we be worried?

There are many ways to answer the question, but in the spirit of the “novel coronavirus,” let’s try a novel approach. . .

LET’S BRING LIGHT TO WICK

Back in the late 80’s
I was working as a part-time-on-call-chaplain
at an area hospital
(which meant that I worked from 5:00 p.m. to 8:00 a.m.)
and I remember
getting called in around 3:30 in the morning for a patient that was actively dying in ICU from AIDS;
he requested a chaplain
and when I arrived
I could see he was agitated and restless;
After introducing myself
I asked him the routine questions of
if he was in pain or uncomfortable;
When I asked him about family,
I could see him wince even before he said,
“I don’t have any family, they’ve disowned me.”
One simple Act:
I held his hand
I saw him look down at my hand holding his
and a tear rolled down the side of his cheek and he choked out,
“You’re the first person who’s touched me without gloves, a gown or a mask.”
His fingers squeezed mine and I squeezed back.
“Will you pray with me; I’m scared.”
I asked him what he wanted me to include in the prayer and he said,
“I don’t want to be afraid anymore; I don’t want to be sick; I don’t want my family to be ashamed of me anymore; I don’t want to go to Hell.”
Honestly. . .
I don’t remember verbatim what I prayed with him
but I know
it was the living prayer we became
for one Another
We lit each other’s
W I C K

AM I WORRIED?
I have had the blessing of working with the sick and dying
since 1977
in and out of the Church
hospital
nursing home
assisted living
home care
and in all of those years
and more,
all of those
P L A C E S
I have never been worried
about getting sick
from the sick

I sat with the family
of a former colleague who died today
and as I was providing opportunities for them to do
Life/Faith/Family we review
there were tears
there was laughter
but there was no mention
of COVID-19
like there was all around us from
Facebook, CNN, Fox News, MSNBC, Drudge Report, BBC, Instagram, Twitter, Apple, Google, Verizon, AT&T, the local news
but not from them;
I knew at that moment
what I’ve know from
Countless other Moments
that
THIS
is the
T H A T
that ever matters. . .
Naive?
The little kid in me
battles for my worries
but never when it comes to
this
T H A T
I’m not worried
and it’s the only
Light
that not only keeps my Candle lit,
It’s the only
thing that inspires me to share
IT

j o i n
me

Is This THE TIME?

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IT IS ALL THE NEWS
and it’s rocking
E V E R Y T H I N G
and
E V E R Y O N E
and it’s asking one of the most important questions ever
asked in any one of our lives:

Coronavirus will test whether the planet can unite in the face of a global crisis

Visitors at Hsing Tian Kong Temple in Taipei, Taiwan on Tuesday. (Chiang Ying-Ying/AP)
Visitors at Hsing Tian Kong Temple in Taipei, Taiwan on Tuesday. (Chiang Ying-Ying/AP)

You can’t find a newscast that doesn’t speak of it
and it’s rare now not to see it being reported
and highly written
and spoken of. . .
Out of all of the articles I read
the one that has stayed with me
and rocked my unevenly world the most
is this one out of the Washington Post

By David Ignatius ColumnistFeb. 25, 2020 at 7:03 p.m. EST

Doctors have been preparing for 15 years for “the big one,” a pandemic that will rock the global public health system like an earthquake. Now, with the rapid spread of coronavirus, it may be happening.

This viral outbreak probably won’t look like anything that most of us have seen. Some schools may be closed; sports schedules will be modified; travel plans will be shelved; and some workers will be advised to stay at home and telecommute. The infrastructure for delivering food and other essentials will be stretched.

U.S. public health officials on Tuesday warned of the “inevitable” spread of the virus in the United States. “It’s not a question of if this will happen but when this will happen and how many people in this country will have severe illnesses,” said Nancy Messonnier, director of the National Center for Immunization and Respiratory Diseases. Statements like that sent the financial markets into a swoon for a second-straight day.AD

Doctors are caught between the obligation to alert the public and the desire to avoid a panic. The World Health Organization warns of an “infodemic” in which bad information and rumors amplify the danger. Misinformation can spread faster than the disease.

Back in 2006, the United States issued its first “National Strategy for Pandemic Influenza Implementation Plan,” updated regularly since. That first version contained this stark admonition: “Uncertainty during a pandemic will drive many of the outcomes we fear, including panic among the public, unpredictable, and unilateral actions by governments, instability in markets, and potentially devastating impacts on the economy. The need for timely, accurate, credible, and consistent information that is tailored to specific audiences cannot be overstated.”

Google, Facebook and Twitter, the private guardians of the information space, have been working to keep it sanitary. Twitter has been trying to ensure that #coronaovirus delivers “credible, authoritative information.” Facebook is removing inaccurate information about the disease. Google is making verified, fact-checked information prominent in search results.AD

The WHO, meanwhile, is publishing simple “myth busters.” Examples: Do garlic or sesame oil prevent infection? No. Is it safe to receive mail from China? Yes.

Health authorities so far have mostly been taking the right steps. The virus was quickly sequenced genetically, vaccines are already being developed and epidemiologists are closely monitoring the spread. Doctors in Wuhan, China, where the virus began, have carefully mapped the early cases and mortality rates. The number of new cases in China has dropped sharply, which is encouraging.

Doctors caution that people should focus on the basics of good health: Washing your hands regularly is a better preventive measure than wearing a face mask; getting a flu shot is essential; if someone gets sick, they need supportive care while their own immune system fights the virus.AD

Health officials have tried to check the epidemic with screenings, lockdowns and quarantines. But these have had limited effect. Some travelers who arrived in Germany from Wuhan and tested negative for the virus were later found to be infected. Some clusters, in Iran and Italy, have mysterious origins. As much as doctors are learning about the novel disease, there’s much that still puzzles them.

The politics of this crisis matter. China was initially slow to react because officials there wanted to suppress bad news; Iranian authorities, similarly, may have undercounted cases initially in a cluster there.

This is a moment when expert advice is essential to calm fears and develop effective treatments. But the viral outbreak comes at a time when the body politic is weakened in America and abroad by populist politicians and rumormongers. Analysts have warned about “The Death of Expertise,” as a recent book by Thomas M. Nichols put it. There has been a backlash against vaccinations and other public health measures around the world.

We sometimes say that a global crisis — a catastrophic natural disaster, say — could unite the planet and encourage everyone to pull together. With coronavirus, we’ll have a test of that proposition. This outbreak is manageable with good medicine, good information and global cooperation. But it’s going to be a bumpy ride for a while.

Sometimes
it’s not so much what we include
as that we are
all included
Is THIS
the TIME
when you aren’t so much choosing
as being chosen
to be fully
scarily included
instead of excluded
and the biggest question of all:
WILL IT MAKE A DIFFERENCE

Make no mistake about this. . .
FOR WORSE
OR BETTER
we are all on the same road
either walking each other home
Or running around amok
away from one another
only to find out
we’re way closer
T O G E T H E R
than farther apart. . .

Q U E S T I O N:
WILL IT TAKE A DISEASE
TO HEAL US ALL TOGETHER?

A WHOLE LOT OF LOVE

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Hair Love,
an Oscar-winning animated short film
from Akron University’s Matthew A. Cherry,
tells the heartfelt story of an African American father
learning to do his daughter’s hair
for the first time. . .

L I S T E N
take it from a bald man
A LITTLE BIT WORK
AND A WHOLE LOT OF LOVE
is a message
that transcends
even the most
unruliest
strands of hair

Most are willing to put in the
W O R K
but not the
L O V E
but when you do,
Life not only
C H A N G E S
it revolutionarily gets
B E T T E R
(P R O V E I T)

DEAR BASKETBALL

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https://youtu.be/x3x5C3iNLKo

Two years ago, Kobe Bryant became the first person to win both a sporting championship and an Oscar with his victory in the Best Animated Short Film for “Dear Basketball.”

The five-time NBA champion and former Los Angeles Lakers shooting guard, who died Sunday in a helicopter crash in L.A. County at age 41, won the Academy Award for his collaboration with animator Glen Keane.

In his acceptance speech alongside Keane in stage, Bryant aimed a swift jab at Fox News host Laura Ingraham, by saying basketball stars shouldn’t just “shut up and dribble.”

Ingraham had come under heavy fire the previous month for criticizing LeBron James and fellow NBA star Kevin Durant for making anti-Trump comments in an interview with ESPN’s Cari Champion for “UNINTERRUPTED,” saying they shouldn’t comment on politics and should “shut up and dribble.”

Durant went on to say that he thought Ingraham’s on-air comments were “racist,” while James responded in a simple Instagram post, stressing “I am more than an athlete.”

“I’ve always been told that as basketball players the expectation is that you play. This is all you know. This is all you do. Don’t think about handling finances. Don’t think about going into business. Don’t think that you want to be a writer 00 that’s cute,” Bryant told the Undefeatedahead of the Oscar ceremony. “I got that a lot. What do you want to do when you retire? ‘Well, I want to be a storyteller.’ That’s cute.

“This is … a form of validation for people to look and say, ‘OK, he really can do something other than dribble and shoot,” he said.

It doesn’t matter how many pages are in the Book of Life
so much as what’s
W R I T T E N
on each precious one
and more
exactly what’s
g l e a n e d
. . .We worry and fret about so many
U N N E C E S S A R Y
s t u f f
and knowing that
doesn’t make us worry less. . .
THE MORAL OF THE STORY:

And if you need something more simple
take a deep drink from my big mug:

The taste is indescribable
and the mug
is bottomless

(Just 8 days ago, a sports legend and his daughter, along with 7 other souls were lost to this world in an unspeakable, way-too-soon tragedy. Due to its shocking suddenness, and the profile of one involved, the cultural wound is vast and many are asking the big questions, which I think is an entirely appropriate response. If you are such a person, finding yourself grieving, whatever the reason, please know that I’d love to listen, and chat if you’d like. No joke. Your grief; your worry and the big questions need to be felt, asked, heard, and wrestled with responsibly. I’m yours for the hearing.)

Mamba MOURNING

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There was a terrible helicopter accident on Sunday, January 26, 2020 and not only did nine people die in a horrible crash, but nine families and in some ways, the whole world will forever be changed. . .

F O R E V E R

as in eternally

Two of those people were Kobe Bryant and his daughter, Gianna
otherwise it would have been a terrible accident that would have made
the local/regional news and quickly forgotten except for those families now perpetually changed. . .
S O

G R I E F
is such a powerful emotion
mostly because all of other emotions
come and go
but
deeper than on a cellular level
grief
stays with us
through our last breath;
our final heartbeat. . .

Deborah Carr Ph.D.

Sheds some illumination as the big
W H Y
of it all

3 Reasons We Mourn Celebrity Deaths

The benefits of sharing emotions communally. 

Years from now we may all easily recall where we were at, what we were doing when Kobe Bryant died just like:

Most of us know exactly where we were and what we were doing when we learned that a beloved public figure had died. A half-century ago, our parents and grandparents learned about President Kennedy’s death at 2:38 p.m. on November 22, 1963, when Walter Cronkite delivered the devastating news on network television. Decades later, many of us may have been taking a quick Facebook break when we discovered the shocking deaths of legendary musicians like David Bowie, or still-in-their-prime performers like Amy Winehouse. Minutes after the news breaks, our social-media pages are filled with videos of the late musicians’ classic performances, and heartfelt posts and tweets about how deeply saddened we are by the loss.

But most of us never met these people.

We know little more about them than what we see at the theater, hear at their concerts, or read in publicist-orchestrated interviews. So, why are we so saddened? And is this sadness normal?

Grief, or the sadness we feel when we lose someone or something that we’re deeply attached to, is perfectly normal. It’s so normal, in fact, that psychiatrists long believed that depression was a perfectly appropriate reaction when a loved one died. Much of what we know about grief comes from academic studies and self-help books focused on the loss of a very close loved one, such as a spouse, a child, or even a pet. The death of someone we loved and lived with brings the most profound grief, yet sadness or bouts of introspection can accompany other losses. Homesickness or nostalgia, for instance, can trigger grief-like symptoms. We may yearn for a place or time when we were young, happy, well-loved, and shielded from the harsh realities of adulthood.

It’s not surprising that so many people feel at least a short-term spell of sadness or emptiness when a favorite artist, writer, or political leaderdies. These feelings of sadness (if appropriately short-lived) can actually be good for us. Here’s why:

1. It heightens our sense of empathy and understanding for those who are suffering.

Some public figures die peacefully after long and happy lives. Yet many others, especially those who die prematurely, have publicly battled demons that would have been kept secret decades ago. Celebrities aren’t alone in their struggles with illnesses like depression, drug abuse, and alcoholism. When Robin Williams committed suicide in 2015, he was one of an estimated 40 million Americans suffering from depression. Philip Seymour Hoffman was a gifted and versatile actor at the peak of his career when he died at age 46 in 2014. He was also one of more than 8,200 people who died of a heroin overdose that year. The deaths of beloved performers like 31-year-old Corey Monteith of Glee and 65-year-old vocalist Natalie Cole put a face on drug and alcohol addiction. Although medical professionals recognize that addiction is a disease, many Americans still view it as a moral failing. One recent study found that only 22 percent of people would be willing to work with a person who had a drug addiction, and nearly three-quarters thought employers had a right to deny jobs to those who have a drug addiction. Celebrity deaths may help us to better understand addictions, and heighten our empathy for those suffering from them.article continues after advertisement

The deaths of public figures also may be the first time we hear of a particular disease, or learn new things about a disease’s course and cause. While deaths from lung cancer historically have garnered little sympathy because observers may believe that many smokers “cause” their own death, some high-visibility deaths have shown us the randomness and cruelty of cancer. Dana Reeve, the young widow of actor Christopher Reeve, died of lung cancer despite never having smoked. Beastie Boy Adam Yauch followed a vegan diet yet succumbed to cancer at age 47. Although maintaining a healthy lifestyle can dramatically reduce our risks of cancer, diabetes, and other life-threatening diseases, there’s still a large random element that we just need to accept.

2. Our feelings can provide clues as to what’s missing from our lives.

Very few of us kept company with David Bowie, Whitney Houston, or Glenn Frey. But news of their deaths may transport us back to a place and time when their music was a source of comfort or affirmation. Scientists have documented that music triggers brain activity associated with memory. When artists with decades-long careers like Bowie, Houston, or Michael Jackson die, they take a little piece of our pasts with them. Hearing “Let’s Dance” or “Thriller” may take us back to a high-school party, a first date, or a college dorm room—a time and place before the pressures of work, marriage, kids, and bills dampened our youthful optimism.

These moments of bittersweet nostalgia can be opportunities to assess what’s working in our lives. A brief musical trip back to our adolescent or young-adult years may help us to figure out what we wanted for our lives when we were young, what we’ve achieved, and which dreams we’ve given up on. These thought exercises may help us identify what’s important to us, and figure out ways to reintroduce some long-lost passions, goals, and dreams into our adult lives.

3. Collective mourning connects us to a larger community.

Collective mourning, such as attending a candlelight vigil, or weighing in on a friend’s heartbroken Facebook commentary about Alan Rickman’s touching portrayals, helps connect us to others in meaningful ways. Discovering a shared fondness for a particular film or song brings us closer to others, because our cultural tastes often reflect our values and worldviews. Collective mourning reminds us that we’re part of a particular generation, whether Baby Boomers, Gen X, or Millennials, and helps us to celebrate the cultural touchstones that define us.article continues after advertisement

Very few of us take the time to ponder or discuss profound issues like, What is a life well-lived? What imprint do we want to leave on the world? What do you fear most about your own death? When so many Americans lead busy lives with precious little time for personal connection or conversations about meaningful issues, the exchanges (even if brief) triggered by celebrity deaths might help people realize that they’re a part of something bigger and more profound than themselves.

Most important, celebrity deaths teach us that everyone will die someday, and neither fame nor wealth nor talent shields us from that inevitability. Ideally, that recognition of life’s finiteness will help us to pursue healthy, mindful lives, and appreciate what we have before it’s gone.

K O B E
he was the Mamba
and brought to us
among so many other things
MAMBA MENTALITY
it’s a term that Kobe coined to
describe the level of intense focus
and relentless approach
he took both in
preparation and competition. . .
Kobe said after his last game in 2016:
“I always wanted to be remembered as a ‘talented overachiever,” I had the talent but I WORKED AS IF I HAD NONE.”
and then more universally:
“The most important thing is to try and inspire people so that they can be great at whatever they want to do.”

I’ve told thousands of people
hundreds of times over
during my presentations,
“I know, I know that I know, I’d bet my very life that I know that one day I will die, but for the life of me, I don’t act like I know it; in fact, I’d be the most shocked person in the world if it was TODAY or if this was the last blog post I would ever write because I died. . . .”
B U T
it will happen
and grieving
will result. . .
It’s days like
Sunday, January 26, 2020
where a helicopter crash took the lives of nine people
two of them
Kobe Bryant and his daughter, Gianna
. . .on days like these we will remember
that we will all say
GOODBYE
to this place one day;
that the book of our life
will all be interrupted
and that we too will be
m e m o r i e s. . .
On days like these
we feel fragile
and yet
C O N N E C T E D
On days like these
we realize that our heroes are all mortal
and that our time is
so very short
and that our days
are numbered
and guaranteed:
THE NUMBER
is never high
e n o u g h

The Message:
L I V E
f u l l y
(and the endlessly will take care of itself)

Peter Bernik/Shutterstock
Professional Speaker, Author, Assurance Man