I was never
an academic all-star;
I most likely
was a classic undiagnosed ADHD
Kid who was often classified as a
“SMART KID WHO CAN’T SEEM TO STAY FOCUSED”
during parent/teacher conference
who excelled with
anything to do with
Reading
and nothing to do with
Math. . .
Who
was often writing poetry
and putting together lyrical phrases
that I wrote in the margins of books
or large lined notebooks
that made me look like
I was ferociously
taking notes. . .
I was often motivated to do well in school
so I could play sports
and not to embarrass my
school teaching, coaching dad
and school secretary mom
. . .but it always felt
foreign
distant
and far from a home
my heart beat to reside
UNLESS
I had
THOSE
teachers
who didn’t
look to grade
penmanship
sentence structure
or what I could recite back
after nights of intense memorization. . .
THOSE TEACHERS
that wanted a piece of my mind
and a part of my heart
by inspiring me
with theirs;
who challenged me to read
WHAT WASN’T
on the syllabus
but more in my dreams;
IT
was the one thing that shaped me then
and still drives me now
T H I S
EDUCATION OF THE HEART
which you never graduate
nor receive a degree
but something far
F A R
more important:
A DEEPLY MEANINGFUL LIFE
. . .PAY ATTENTION, CLASS
The Lectures have ended
but the Teaching
is in a never-ending
S E S S I O N
and it’ll not only assure
that your heart will beat differently
IT WILL GUARANTEE
you’ll cause other hearts
to be
forever significantly better
THIS
Education of the Heart
Forbidden to buy a Painting
Sometimes
Winning the Lottery
has so much more than
a dollar amount. . .
Sometimes
it’s something so much more
valuable
E X P E N S I V E
P R I C E L E S S. . .
that’s what I thought
THE FIRST TIME
I saw Titus Kaphar’s painting
and then read his poem
which painted many different
i m a g e s
in the pages of my mind
‘I Cannot Sell You This Painting.’ Artist Titus Kaphar on his George Floyd TIME Cover
Painting by Titus Kaphar for TIMEIDEASBY TITUS KAPHAR JUNE 4, 2020 6:19 AM EDTTitus Kaphar is an American artist whose work examines the history of representation
Artist Titus Kaphar painted the portrait that appears on the cover of this week’s TIME. He has written the following piece to accompany the work which hopefully now will be a part of our work:
I
can not
sell
you
this
painting.
In her expression, I see the Black mothers who are unseen, and rendered helpless in this fury against their babies.
As I listlessly wade through another cycle of violence against Black people,
I paint a Black mother…
eyes closed,
furrowed brow,
holding the contour of her loss.
Is this what it means for us?
Are black and loss
analogous colors in America?
If Malcolm could not fix it,
if Martin could not fix it,
if Michael,
Sandra,
Trayvon,
Tamir,
Breonna and
Now George Floyd…
can be murdered
and nothing changes…
wouldn’t it be foolish to remain hopeful?
Must I accept that this is what it means to be Black
in America?
Do
not
ask
me
to be
hopeful.
I have given up trying to describe the feeling of knowing that I can not be safe in the country of my birth…
How do I explain to my children that the very system set up to protect others could be a threat to our existence?
How do I shield them from the psychological impact of knowing that for the rest of our lives we will likely be seen as a threat,
and for that
We may die?
A MacArthur won’t protect you .
A Yale degree won’t protect you .
Your well-spoken plea will not change hundreds of years of institutionalized hate.
You will never be as eloquent as Baldwin,
you will never be as kind as King…
So,
isn’t it only reasonable to believe that there will be no
change
soon?
And so those without hope…
Burn.
This Black mother understands the fire.
Black mothers
understand despair.
I can change NOTHING in this world,
but in paint,
I can realize her….
This brings me solace…
not hope,
but solace.
She walks me through the flames of rage.
My Black mother rescues me yet again.
I want to be sure that she is seen.
I want to be certain that her story is told.
And so,
this time
America must hear her voice.
This time
America must believe her.
One
Black
mother’s
loss
WILL
be
memorialized.
This time
I will not let her go.
I
can not
sell
you
this
painting.
and then. . .
I saw this little thumbnail picture
way down in the right hand corner of
Titus’s poem
and these words spilled out of me
from heart
through my eyes
down my cheeks
onto a crumbled piece of discarded paper
that missed the garbage can
from short range:
Why
NOW
am I always on the
Verge of Tears
With a movie clip
Or just the mention of it
A poem
Or just a well spoken phrase
A song
With or without lyrics
A scene
A smell
A glance
A touch
A sound
An indescribable feeling
And then
THERE
A flow of tears
No lash can hold back
Or no longer Dam
Flows a liquid saltiness
That can’t be
Diluted
But can only
Water
Nourish
What’s waited to grow
But never been fully planted
Or hardly nurtured
But now no longer
Ignored
I’m always on the verge of tears
Now
F I N A L L Y
(And hopefully for an ever)
Lump in the throat
Unswallowable
that never chokes
but makes the breath
in and out
different
Sometimes
Winning the Lottery
has so much more than
a dollar amount. . .
Sometimes
it’s something so much more
valuable
E X P E N S I V E
P R I C E L E S S. . .
Mr Kaphar
can’t sell me his painting
not because
he’s holding out
so much as us
HOLDING ON
(to all of the wrong things)
The UNholy Night
Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
are you
FEELIN’ IT?
. . .not a whole lot of joy right now in the world,
huh. . . ?
Who
W H O
would have ever thought we’d forget about
COVID-19
in less than a week
with all of the riots
lootings
shootings
protestests
U N R E S T
It feels like the World
is getting tossed about
like a big beach ball
that everyone wants to
bat around
or kick
BUT NOT GRAB A HOLD OF
or just
C A T C H
. . .has it ever felt like
THIS
b e f o r e
searching for a
pulse
a heartbeat
that just doesn’t seem to
exist
I was in seventh grade, just a 13-year-old boy the night at Martin Luther King, Jr was assassinated. I distinctly remember it as if time stood still as my parents watched a news cast, that interrupted our regular programming; it wasn’t so much what my parents said as what their faces were shouting: HORROR. SHOCK. SADNESS. . .
I had seen that look on their faces when I came home from school as a nine-year-old boy the day that John F. Kennedy was assassinated.
I remember telling them that night as Walter Cronkite tried telling us the facts, setting the scene, maybe this was a good thing so now people wouldn’t riot anymore or protest and remember even more distinctly how they explained to me how this was a terrible thing and that there may be even more unrest and violence and protesting.
It was only a few days later when my dad was at a meeting and my mother and my two brothers and sister were at home and we heard a commotion out on the street and we went out on the porch there were hundreds of African-American people walking down our street from The Projects’ a few blocks away. Just walking. Not shouting. Not rioting. Not looting or burning anything. . .
Just walking. . .
They were going downtown for a peaceful protest in memory of Dr King.
I was terrified,
I had never seen a sea of people moving methodically down
a city street and its sidewalks;
I never wanted the protection of my father more than at that moment.
I have had other moments of being terrified and there’s a certain way your heart beats like at no other time than during
THAT FEELING. . .
My heart has beaten that way over this past week making me feel like a scared-trying-to-figure-it-all-out-13 yr old boy. . .
This Christmas tree is in my office overlooking my desk;
It was a gift a couple of years ago from my office buddies,
two great Social Workers,
Jen and Rachel
who have done of some of their best work on me;
they appropriately celebrated my Birthday by proclaiming it,
MERRY CHUCKMAS
. . .the 25th of every month
I usually post some Christmas scene as a reminder that it’s
MERRY PRACTICE CHRISTMAS
and everyone on FaceBook gets really annoyed
and tells me
“DON’T RUSH IT”
or
“IT’S WAY TOO EARLY”
as if it was a curse for them to carry
or a chaotic Season to be avoided,
BUT HERE’S THE TRUE REASON:
Because I want the World to be now
what it is
T H E N
kind
caring
loving
accepting
forgiving
giving
peaceful
happy
content
and I just don’t want it to be contagious
I want it to be
e v e r l a s t i n g
I want the message of Christmas
to be a message of
N O W
To be a
LIGHT
no one was looking for
AND FINDS,
a n y w a y. . .
So on the 25th of every month
I play Christmas Carols
but I’ve been playing them a lot since
George Floyd
was brutally killed
in front of all
us. . .
My Favorite?
O HOLY NIGHT. . .
2nd verse:
Truly He taught us to love one another;
His law is Love and His gospel is Peace;
Chains shall he break, for the slave is our brother,
And in his name all oppression shall cease,
Sweet hymns of joy in grateful Chorus raise we;
Let all within us praise his Holy name!
and then the
CHORUS
which now forever haunt me:
FALL ON YOUR KNEES
(Fall on your knees,)
(Fall on your knees,)
(I can’t get the image out of my head of a police officer’s bent knee on the neck of Mr. Floyd)
Oh hear the angel voices!
O night divine! O night when Christ was born.
O night, O holy night, O night divine.
SO
so, so many
UN-HOLY NIGHTS
knowing that ultimately
LOVE CAN’T BE LEGISLATED
but it can be
abundantly given
making us all
hopeful
grateful
affected
victims
of its power. . .
We need a little Christmas
in all of its shapes and sizes
with an ample amount of flavor
to keep it fresh. . .
talk about a different heart beat
B E
I T
NOT by the Book
THIS BOOK
is about 4 years old. . .
Someone gifted it to me and I have never fully read it through;
I’ve thumbed through it,
read it’s
CONTENTS
page and
the following before putting it on
THAT SHELF
for further reading
and I picked it up over these past few days and read it’s own
DESCRIPTION:
Would you like to change the world but feel like there’s nothing you can do? What if you discovered you could change everything with just five breaths and one kind thought? Want to help heal America? Our planet? The Global Kindness Revolution is the way forward. You don’t even have to get out of bed to join. You only need to take five breaths and think a kind thought, each day, at noon. Kindness at Noon, Everyday, Everywhere is a call to action to all, regardless of beliefs, background or religion, who are craving a kinder, gentler world.
This is a guide to exploring those aspects of ourselves we’re unaware of, such as suppressed anger and racism, that keep us in the dark and prevent us from embracing our neighbor, or what we perceive as the “other.” Scientists call the primitive part of our brains the “lizard” brain from the times when we hunted dinosaurs. Now, in this tumultuous era where viciousness and apathy fills the airwaves, The Global Kindness Revolution aims to elevate our collective mindset, to nurture the “Kind Mind” where empathy and compassion are on automatic.
The book provides exercises and guidance for incorporating a kindness lifestyle. It includes practices to enhance our connection with Mother Earth, and perspectives on what it means to be kind to oneself. It drills down into social issues that impact us individually and as a whole, and how we can navigate our social interactions with more compassion. It suggests ways to improve our personal relationships and our community, and how to maintain a healthy existence with the domination of technology.
The magic of this revolution is its global appeal calling on millions around the world to pause for Kindness at Noon. More are joining the cause to diminish the violence, racism and meanness humanity has continuously been plagued with. What began as a simple experiment in a Pennsylvania prison has expanded into a global initiative making a mark in countries like Nepal, Afghanistan and Egypt, directly addressing the refugee crisis, violence against women, and other injustices in dire need of change.
Kindness at Noon, Everyday, Everywhere. Join us!
SOUNDS GOOD,
r i g h t. . . ?
A N D
nothing against this fine book
and the exercises it implores us to use,
B U T
now’s not the time for words
or books
filled with them. . .
WE ARE
far past needing books about
h e a l i n g
VIOLENCE
RACISM
MEANNESS
but
right on time about
B E I N G
A Volume of
PEACE
ACCEPTANCE
KINDNESS
. . .funny, huh,
THESE TOO, ARE WORDS. . .
and we need to not only be carriers of
SUCH LOVE
but
INFESTERS OF THIS LOVE
that knows
NO
antidote or vaccine
. . .A time
to stop drawing lines in the sand
to be sided against
or straddled
BUT CREATORS OF CIRCLES
that include
and never
e x c l u d e
US ALL
This is to be
A Caring Catalyst
not words
not ideals
not experiments
not wishes
not hopes
not philosophies
BUT A LIVE
ACTIVE
Circle making inclusive
FORCE
one compassionately kind act at at time
(UNCONDITIONALLY)
For Now. . .
It’s not a time to do things by
THE BOOK
and if words be necessary at all. . .
May it be
that we are all more
ADJECTIVES
and way less
NOUNS
Behind the Mask
I have said for a long time now
the only day we celebrate 365 days a year
or for that matter;
E N D L E S S L Y
is Halloween
and now for the past few months
(literally and figuratively)
it feels worse than
Halloween gone
Bill Murray’s GROUNDHOG’S DAY
which makes us all begin to
wonder:
What We Lose When We Hide Our Smiles Behind a Mask
Illustration by Nathalie Lees for TIMEIDEASBY; It seems that we may not be the only ones
W O N D E R I N G
BELINDA LUSCOMBE is an editor-at-large at TIME and the author of Marriageology: The Art and Science of Staying Together has pondered a few of these thoughts as well. . .
Miss Belinda shares, “I miss smiling. I don’t miss it in the inspirational poster “the whole world smiles with me” way. I don’t miss it, as another poster says, because I can no longer “intimidate those who wish to destroy me.” I don’t miss it because “happiness looks gorgeous on me,” although I did put in three very formative years of hard time in the orthodontia trenches–20 months of braces and six retainers–so it looks at least marginally better than it used to. . . .”
I miss smiling because it’s one of the handiest utensils in the communication drawer and my mask has locked it away. Yes, it’s just a facial expression: a deployment of the zygomaticus muscles, sometimes authentic, sometimes a placeholder because the real emotion we’re feeling is best not expressed. But as humans, we learn at the age of approximately 42 days that smiling is a useful way of getting people to feel good about themselves and therefore us. (The “world smiles with you” thing actually works–for babies.)
We continue to refine the way we use that smile to communicate information–from “you’re here!” to “you’re cute” to “you’re not meant to take that seriously, although you also kind of are”–until we no longer have teeth. And now, suddenly, those skills, all that practice, are useless. We have lost our favorite communication gizmo just when we need more ways to connect than ever.
Trying to interact with other humans without being able to smile is the facial equivalent of communicating via text message; it’s easy to be misunderstood. Your expression and words lack context. People wonder: Are you wincing at me? Are you grinding your jaw? Do you just have a lot of crow’s-feet? Was what you said an insult or a joke?
According to Paula Niedenthal, a psychologist who heads up the Niedenthal Emotions Lab at the University of Wisconsin–Madison and has studied facial expression extensively, there are three types of smiles: those that express pleasure at a reward or surprise, like when you get to see your friends in person after a prolonged separation (soon, please); those that convey a desire to be friendly, or at least non-threatening, which she calls smiles of affiliation; and those that show dominance, like the one Dirty Harry gives when he asks a certain punk if he feels lucky.
Her studies have shown that it’s harder to tell the difference between affiliative smiles and dominant ones if you can’t see the lower half of the face. In those situations, people have to rely on other clues. She gives the example of walking a dog that suddenly barks at a passerby. A quick look at an unmasked person’s face will confirm whether the passerby is smiling because he thinks he’s much better with his dog than you are or smiling because his dog is also occasionally silly. Behind a mask, this distinction is not so clear.
Niedenthal predicts that as mask use stretches on, people may rely more on the context of the situation to tell them how to interpret an interaction. “They will imagine that the context confers a reaction that is obvious, which of course will get everybody into a lot of trouble, because people in our culture respond with high variability to the same context,” she says.
BUT I have tried to compensate
for the communication gap by enhancing my other gestures. Upon approaching strangers in the street, I want to let them know that I am harmless and wish them well. In hard times, this message feels particularly urgent. Not being able to smile at them has forced me to wave or do a weird fighter-pilot-style salute. If I’m pulling aside to let them pass and can no longer offer an encouraging “you first” smile, I am reduced to airport-marshal gesticulations, which are about as effective as talking more loudly to someone whose language you don’t speak.
But it’s not just the recipient who gains from a grin. Smiling affects the smiler too. Studies have shown that it enhances the mood that produced the expression and helps us recall happier times. “Facial expression is not just out-put from the brain but also feeds back to the brain and has some consequences for subjective experience,” says Niedenthal. “There is good evidence that smiling naturally has some effect on your ambient emotional state.” In other words, masks may be making us more morose.
It almost never helps a situation to tell people to smile, so I won’t, but I’m going to keep beaming, even if it can’t be seen and sometimes is not entirely authentic. A fake smile, after all, is often given with good intentions, just as a mask is sometimes worn not to hide but to protect.
And then there’s
Steve Wilson and The World Laughter Tour. . .
when I went to his two day workshop a few years ago
and became a Certified Laughter Leader
I still remember
one powerful lesson
that even a fake laugh
is a beneficial laugh;
a FAKE SMILE
still,
physiologically
is immensely beneficial
by relieving stress and enhancing
a calm, creative, good mood. . .
So here’s the deal:
(ESPECIALLY)
BEHIND THE MASK
the best way to assure a smile
IS TO
(CREATE)
GIVE ONE
A PARADE OF ONE
On our morning walk
we didn’t find a parade,
One found and included us. . .
It was different this year,
wasn’t it?
MEMORIAL DAY
Yes, we know it’s the start of summer
. . . it used to be the start of summer vacations
. . . it used to be trips and vacation spots
hotdogs, potato salad, family gatherings,
it used to be a lot of fun. . .
It was different this year
and maybe not even because of the pandemic. . .
Maybe it’s because we remember different this year;
maybe right now even in the midst of
our-at-the-very-moment heartbeats,
we are writing a History
no book has ever held. . .
And maybe
MEMORIAL DAY
with all of its modifications this year
is even more special
than all the years that we’ve celebrated it
in the past. . .
And just maybe
that’s what will remember
about this
MEMORIAL DAY
Instead of us commemorating it,
IT
now commemorates each and everyone of us
in the most special and significant way. . .
Maybe. . .
With a most
sincere
honest
pure
Parade of One
(y o u)
(NOTE THE REASON FOR THIS SPECIAL
SECOND BLOG POST ON MEMORIAL DAY
IS A THING OF RECOGNITION AND HONOR FOR):
Losing to WIN
Psssssssssssssssssssssssssssssst:
I HATE TO LOSE
I always have;
I’m not a sore loser;
a bad loser
but it has a way
of not just messing up my day
BUT DAYS. . .
In fact,
I’m so competitive
I’ll try and beat myself
trying to make it through a closing door
walking faster than I walked a route yesterday
doing one more thing than I feel is possible
YOU NAME IT
I’m ON IT. . .
B U T. . .
Gratitude Can Calm Our Urge to Compete with Others
Gratitude could help
(M E)
u s
get through the pandemic without turning on each other,
S U G G E S T S
a new study. . .
JILL SUTTIE, a freelance journalist sort of brought things to light during a fairly dark time for us. In the midst of the coronavirus outbreak, we are seeing many acts of kindness and even heroism. Neighbors look out for one another by buying groceries or sing songs together. When doctors, nurses, and paramedics ran out of masks, people donated or sewed new ones.
But not all people act kindly when feeling threatened. There are those who hoard medical supplies or refuse to stay physically distant from others. Sadly, some become more selfish when they think we’re competing against each other for survival.
How can we avoid reacting in self-serving or vindictive ways during the pandemic? A new study suggests that practicing a little gratitude may be useful.
In this study, participants from the National University of Singapore played the “Trucking Game”—a research tool that measures how people bargain or cooperate in conflict situations. In the game, players try to get from point A to B as quickly as possible, while opponents can assist or block players at will. The game is over when both players reach their end point.
Before playing the game, some participants were asked to write about a situation that made them feel grateful, while others recalled events that brought them joy or were emotionally neutral (like their daily routine). When it came time for participants to play the game, they didn’t know the other player wasn’t a real person but a set of preprogrammed, highly competitive moves.
Participants had opportunities in the game to thwart the other player by blocking routes along the way or not stepping aside to let them pass, and many of the participants did so when faced with a competitive opponent. However, those induced to feel gratitude were much less likely to block their opponent’s progress than those who’d been primed to feel joy or no particular emotion.
While not entirely surprised by these findings, study coauthor Lile Jia was impressed by them—especially given how competition usually brings out our worst instincts.
“Showing that gratitude can ameliorate competitive impulses in this setting speaks to the potency of this emotion in reducing undesired competition,” says Jia.
To further test these results, he and his colleagues set up another experiment, this time using a random group of Americans of various ages (instead of the original group of Singaporeans, to see how culture might affect results). Participants were told they would be paired with another player (though, actually, there was no other player) to compete in a moderately difficult and timed word game. Before playing the game, they were induced to feel either gratitude or a neutral emotion.
After playing the game—in which participants were always told they lost—the researchers showed them a narrative describing their opponent as either competitive or not very competitive. The idea was that losing to a very competitive person might make participants feel more upset about losing and make them want to punish their opponent.
After “losing,” participants were told that their opponents would be entering another competition that involved solving anagrams for a chance to win a cash prize. The participants could choose one of three clues to help their opponent solve the anagrams more quickly, with clues ranging from least helpful (“it starts with the letter P”) to most helpful (“it starts with the letter P and it’s an organ in your body”). Choosing less helpful clues was considered a form of vindictiveness.
Results showed that participants induced to feel gratitude were much more likely to give the most helpful clues than participants in a neutral mood. Even under circumstances where they might want revenge, people who felt grateful were less likely to be vindictive.
“Sabotaging their partner’s chance of winning a lottery did not directly benefit the participants, who had already been eliminated from the competition—yet this harmful impulse existed,” says Jia. “Fortunately, the impulse got weakened among those induced to feel grateful.”
Gratitude JournalCount your blessings and enjoy better health and happinessTry It Now
Why would gratitude reduce feelings of vindictiveness? Jia says it might be because grateful people are less selfish and show greater empathy toward others, in general. Given that people often respond to competition by becoming more competitive themselves—at the expense of others—it’s little wonder that gratitude might reduce this tendency.
Jia’s study adds to our understanding of the power of gratitude by showing how it helps people be kinder to others in unfavorable as well as favorable circumstances. This could have huge consequences when we are in situations where we may be tempted not to cooperate or to lash out at others—like during the current pandemic.
“In such threatening interactions, destructive behavioral cycles are easily established,” says Jia. “The present research underscores the potential of gratitude in stopping such destructive spirals.”
Jia points to other ways gratitude can help during the pandemic, too—by strengthening relationships and building a sense of community.
Research suggests that practicing gratitude helps people “gel,” he says, encouraging them to coordinate their actions toward a particular goal—something relevant to our current need to shelter in place. So long as cooperation is the norm in this situation, and grateful people don’t feel that they are being taken advantage of, encouraging more gratitude is all to the (greater) good.
Jia’s research reinforces the importance of practicing gratitude as we go through this pandemic. Not only will it help us be more cooperative, it’s good for our personal well-being, too—protecting our mental health and making us feel more positive and optimistic about the future.
“If we take a broader look at the benefits of gratitude, then the argument for encouraging feeling more gratitude becomes all the stronger,” says Jia.
Ohhhhhhh yesssss
I’m competitive
and most would never see or even imagine
that inner
F I G H T
always raging me
UNLESS THEY NOTICE
some of the good I attempt
(THIS IS MY BIGGEST DAILY COMPETITIVE EVENT)
just to be a little
better than the day
the afternoon
the morning before
the next one
and even when
I LOSE
. . .WE WIN
READY. . .
SET. . .
LET’S GO
(and never stop)
OAT’ed UP
I shared this over three years ago under much different circumstances;
C I R C U M S T A N C E S
that could have never have been imagined
and far from understood
C I R C U M A T A N C E S
that still
even at our most current moment
are difficult to imagine
and feel far from being understood. . .
B U T
Maybe there’s another
a different way
of seeing
I T :
There is sowing your oats
and then there is serving them,
eating them
and digesting
all the goodness
that can’t begin to fit on a spoon,
in a bowl
or even on a cafeteria tray
or a table. . .
EAT UP!
and make a NOTE
of BEING
THE GOOD YOU MAKE
A Walk To HOME
Have you heard the Story?
Have you Lived it from either end?
Arun Gandhi is the grandson of Mahatma Gandhi;
When he was sixteen years old, he was asked by his father to take him by car to a meeting. While his father was at the meeting, Arun was to go to a nearby town, buy groceries for the family and bring the car to the garage. At 5:00 p.m. Arun was suppose to be back to pick up his father and drive him home.
Arun had fulfilled his duties and since there were time and money left, he went to the Movie Theater for a John Wayne double feature. He was so entranced by it he literally forgot about the time. Much too late, he hurried out of the theater and went to pick up his dad. It was 6:00 p.m.; he was an hour late. His father was worried something terrible had happened. Arun told his dad that the garage had not gotten the car ready in time.
He didn’t know that his father had already called the garage to find out about his son’s whereabouts.
Arun’s father reacted to the lie like this:
He told his son that he, as a father, must have done something terribly wrong in bringing up his son, so that his son would have had to lie to him; and that he would not let his son drive him home, but walk all the way and think about what he had obviously done wrong in raising his son. Arun begged his father to get in the car with him, but his father did as he said without speaking another word. . .
I T W A S A F I V E H O U R W A L K !
Arun drove behind his father at walking pace until, late at night, they got home.
Arun Gandhi said that after this he never again lied to his father!
W O W. . .
You think?
And we thought,
“M O T H E R ‘ S G U I L T I S B A D ?”
Is this some kind of non-violent parenting?
Or Child abuse?
Would it be effective in 2020 and beyond?
Would our children have followed us the five hour walk home?
Would we have really pondered our own faults in parenting during the long walk home?
. . .and Now?
We take steps every day, don’t we?
Each step we take,
even if we don’t notice,
are being watched,
maybe even emulated by our children
and the children in all of us. . .
Have they. . .
. . .Have we noticed. . .
Maybe it’s not so much the walk home. . .
but,
The W a l k
T O H O M E,
that makes all the Difference;
in and out of this World,
and more . .
Everything in between!
Pssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssst:
Let’s take a walk. . .
And instead of all of the steps we’ve taken
and far left behind. . .
let’s focus on the
next one
and all those before us
as we journey on. . .
Always on
hand and hand
A Bad Burn
Last week during the mid-week blog
we took a look at
CAUTION FATIGUE
and the other side of
T H A T
Coin might be
How to Avoid Burnout in the Middle of a Pandemic
Rachel Fairbank, freelance journalist tried to extinguish something that’s very real over these past several weeks and especially, ongoing.
Burnout is defined as a state of emotional, mental and physical exhaustion brought on by prolonged stress. Given the nonstop barrage of stressors these past few months, many of us are probably well on our way to developing burnout, if we aren’t there already.
“Burnout is chronic stress gone awry,” says Sheryl Ziegler, a psychologist and author of the book “Mommy Burnout: How to Reclaim Your Life and Raise Healthier Children in the Process.”
Stages of burnout
The stages of burnout include a honeymoon phase, in which a person devotes extra time and energy to dealing with their stress; followed by mitigation strategies, when a person is crankier than usual but is still trying to juggle everything; followed by chronic stress, a point when people have an even harder time coping and often find ways to detach themselves from others; and finally, by full-blown burnout.
If these stages sound familiar, well, at least you’re not alone. As a society, we seem to be on a path to burnout together. We started in those ambitious first few weeks with big plans: We were going to learn how to bake and knit! After a few weeks of trying to juggle quarantine and work from home and homeschooling and job loss. Now we all seem to be stuck in a phase of chronic stress, either lashing out at the people around us or detaching from the world at large
“A lot of people are in the second and third stages right now,” Ziegler says. “We are all here.”
That said, there are strategies that we can employ, even in an era of physical distancing and omnipresent fears about our health and safety. These are some of Ziegler’s recommendations for avoiding burnout during a pandemic.
Know the signs of burnout
“Knowing the signs of burnout are really important,” Ziegler says. What stage you might be in will vary, and it’ll look a little bit different for everyone. People who are burned out are often detached from others, feel drained and unable to cope, and lack their usual energy. They also often experience physical symptoms such as headaches or stomachaches.
As Ziegler points out, it’s normal to be stressed and anxious, given everything that is going on. But just because this stress is understandable doesn’t mean we can’t find ways to cope.
Stay connected with others
We may have to practice physical distancing, but that doesn’t mean we can’t be creative about staying connected with others. When it comes to preventing burnout, strong social connections are key.
As Ziegler suggests, in addition to friends and families, lean on online communities that might share some of your concerns. Whatever your situation is, whatever your struggles are, there are people out there who can relate. Make sure to prioritize these connections, as they will help buffer you from burnout. How to Disconnect From Social Media but Stay Connected to the World
Social media is terrible, and social media is amazing. It inundates us with panic-inducing news and paralyzes us.
Shift your standards
It is okay to cut down on the number of hours of school each day or to say no to extra job duties at work. As Ziegler points out, as much as we want to do everything, there just aren’t enough hours in the day. It’s important to be selective about what we take on as well as practical about what we can accomplish, given our constraints.
Set boundaries for yourself
Boundaries are really important, especially in these times. Boundaries can help make your workload and home life a little bit more manageable. It’s okay to say no to things, it’s okay to adjust your expectations, and it’s okay to prioritize what’s most important.
Schedule time for yourself
Don’t feel guilty about it, either. If we put a meeting on our calendars, we do everything we can to make sure we show up to it. Caring for yourself, in whatever form that takes, is just as important; in fact, CALENDAR IT; put a self-care time/date on the calendar and don’t break it!
“Every day, schedule time for yourself,” Ziegler says. “When we are under stress, we don’t tend to squeeze in healthy things for ourselves.”
So carve out a time for yourself. Calendar it and give that time as much priority as a work responsibility. Your mental health and wellbeing is important. You Need to Walk Outside Every Day
In a time when our fitness options are limited, don’t discount the benefits of walking. Walking doesn’t have to be done in large increments, just steady, regular ongoing times of walking.
Have a change of environment
Even small changes of environment can help keep us from feeling overwhelmed. This could be as simple as moving from the living room to kitchen or going for a short walk around the block. Given that we are all at home all the time now, a small change of environment will go a long way toward helping us feel mentally refreshed.
Move your body
As Ziegler points out, there’s a big connection between staying active and maintaining good mental health.
“People have to remember working out is good for your mental thoughts,” Ziegler says. As we are a lot more sedentary than usual, moving can help us stave off some of the effects of abrupt changes in our routines.
Even if you only have ten minutes, it’s worth fitting in a few calisthenics or a quick walk.
Practice mindfulness with your diet
Being at home all day while stressed means a lot more snacking and a lot more unhealthy foods. Unfortunately, although in the short term, reaching for a bag of chips or a carton of ice cream feels good, when it comes to balancing stress, these snacks hurt more than they help. Being mindful about what you are eating will help in the long run.
Power naps are rejuvenating
If you have twenty minutes, consider taking a power nap to boost your energy and productivity. Find a quiet spot, set the alarm and do your best to relax. If it’s hard, Ziegler points out that power napping is something that gets easier with practice.
Early afternoon, when your concentration and ability to focus is suffering, is a good time for a power nap. Twenty minutes is the sweet spot, as 30-60 minutes can leave you feeling more tired than when you fell asleep. Of course, if you’ve got 90 minutes for a full nap, that also works, but that’s harder to carve out of your schedule. I’m a huge 10-20 minute cat-napper.
Notice your words
Words have a way of becoming reality. “We have to notice our words,” Ziegler says. Allow yourself to vent, allow yourself to release all your fears and worries, but then find a way to pivot and channel your fears and worries into something productive.
A side hustle can help you feel in control
If you are worried about your job security—or if you have been laid off—developing a side hustle can be a productive way to pick up new skills while also giving you a way to regain control over your situation.
Now is the time to think about what other skills you have you can use to your advantage. If nothing else, this will help you regain a sense of purpose, which is key to weathering periods of potential burnout. For years I’ve had a job application from STARBUCKS and when people see it they ask me, “Are you looking for another job?” I tell them ‘No, but it’s powerful to know I have choices. Today, I CHOOSE to work here, but I have other options.”
BOOM–talk about FREEDOM. . .Instant Burnout Extinguisher.
List your fears
There are so many fears and anxieties in the world right now, and for good reason. Instead of bottling up them all up, Ziegler suggests listing them all out and then—and this is the key part—coming up with strategies for how you would cope if the worst happened.
“Give yourself your moment,” Ziegler says. “Then, stop, and make a plan around it.”
Are you afraid of losing your job? Not being able to pay rent? Getting sick and needing someone to care for your children? Name these fears, then start making plans. Just the act of thinking through them will help your regain a sense of perspective and control.
Right now, the world is a scary and stressful place. There is no avoiding it. However, even in the middle of all these worries and anxieties, there are still actions we can take to help mitigate the worst effects. Adjust your expectations, carve out time for yourself and do whatever is in your power to preserve your sanity for the long run. Because it’s going to be a long run.
Psssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssst:
We all know where to get it. . .
B U T
we don’t always take the time to actually go out and
GET IT!
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