The Caring Catalyst

Who Cares - What Matters

The WAITING Room

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DEATH
has a Waiting Room
that invites Everyone
but no one wants
to sit
The TV is broken
The magazines are out of date
The chairs are uncomfortable
The coffee is bad
The rattling water cooler
never refreshes
The Clientele
too familiar and annoying
with their hacking
incessantly loud obnoxious yawnings
and an occasional party noise
You’re not sure that comes from
a person or the faux vinyl seat
you never intended to quite fit
It’s a room with poor ventilation
The carpet is worn
but not faded
stubbornly holding onto its colors
and a scent that can’t quite be
identified or replicated
There’s the dim light
that can never be squinted Brighter
All this
and just like that
You’re no longer there
–noticed–
Even before your name is mispronounced
to come forth
DEATH
is a finish line
We all run from
to only find out
at the End
we’ve all madly sprinted
Our Way Towards
(c o n t i n u o s l y)

VERBAL WARFARE

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IT DOESN’T TAKE MUCH TODAY
. . .just wear a mask
or NOT
and it can be
O N
T H I S
non-confrontational person
who will play peace-maker to any little
squabble that happens to start up. . .
It’s as if we are an overly dry
thirsty forest floor
AND EVERYTHING
is a lit match
just waiting to drop
which is why
I AM LOOKING
READING
SEARCHING
GOOGLING
RESEARCHING
ASKING
for some advice
SOME HOW-TO
for my sincere
WANT-TO
on how to douse
the flames
or better still
DO SOME FIRE-PREVENTION
before having to ever having to do
f i r e f i g h t i n g
by not just learning
but assimilating
The everyday martial art of talking to someone who disagrees with you
an article I recently ready by Don Johnson. . .

A blue silhouette of a bald person overlapping a red silhouette of a long-haired person, all on a yellow background.
Credit: tomozina/iStock/Getty Images Plus

Words create our reality. Once we put them out there, we can’t take them back. Expressions like “I didn’t mean to say that” or “I was only kidding” come too late.

So why do couples get into needless arguments? Jeffery S. Smith, MD, writes in Psychology Today:

The cause of arguments and fights is a lack of mutual, empathic understanding. When empathy is not engaged, then people revert to a self-protective mode and become judgmental. The result is a bad feeling on both sides and no happy ending.

People want to be understood, not just heard.

Author Daniel Kahneman’s theory of two different systems of thinking sheds light on why we sometimes lose the ability to be empathetic in our relationships.

Kahneman says System 1 thinking operates quickly, without concentrated effort. It’s more unconscious, irrational, and emotional. We use it when driving a car on an empty road, reading words on a giant billboard, doing something familiar, or something that looks easy, like solving 6+6=?

System 2, on the other hand, involves effort and attention. It’s logical, rational, and conscious. We use it when solving complicated calculations, adjusting our behavior in a social situation, or when searching for a specific person in a crowd.

When faced with familiar and everyday situations, people invent mental shortcuts. If something looks easy, we use System 1, our more unconscious method of thinking. However, depending solely on System 1 can lead to biases toward everyday situations and issues.

This may explain one of the challenges of being in a relationship: We get used to our partner’s thought patterns and behavior; they become familiar and almost predictable. Consequently, it’s easy to go on autopilot and default to System 1 thinking, particularly when we get triggered, frustrated, or stressed. When we’re emotional, we are more apt to make assumptions, jump to conclusions, get defensive, and not listen attentively. Empathy can slip right through our fingers.Healthy Relationships Begin With Knowing Who You Really AreMeditation can help you locate your truest selfhumanparts.medium.com

Here are some strategies that can help you stay out of unnecessary arguments.

Speak with humility

While a lack of empathy may be the underlying cause of arguments, the words we use are the delivery system. An opinion presented as a fact is toxic and a surefire way to make someone defensive.

Here are some examples of toxic opinions:

  • You’re wrong.
  • That’s stupid.
  • You aren’t thinking clearly.
  • You shouldn’t have done that.
  • You always do that.

Contrast those with these:

  • I don’t understand.
  • I disagree.
  • I feel annoyed.
  • I prefer something different.
  • I have a concern.

These “I” statements are examples of owning your opinion, a critical element of humility.

It only takes one conscious person to stop an argument.

Opinions are subjective and, when expressed in the first person, constructive. They invite differing viewpoints, laying the foundation for resolving conflict. Using language in the second or third person, by contrast, closes off dialogue and invites defensiveness.

Speaking with humility will cool a conversation that’s getting too hot.

Intentionally actively listen

Be present: We’ve all experienced the disappointment of speaking to someone who is clearly busy or distracted and says, “Go ahead, I’m listening.” It feels disrespectful and can derail a conversation quickly. Be fully attentive and look at the person you are speaking to.

Be quiet: If you are aware that you interrupt people, stop doing it. It’s a good sign that, whether you realize it or not, you aren’t listening. It conveys that you are more interested in getting your point across than anything else.

Demonstrate your presence: If you sit silently, like a statue, no one knows whether you’re actually listening. Nodding gently, saying “Mm-hmm” or “Uh-huh” will help encourage the other person to explain themselves fully. Silent attention only makes people wonder if anyone is home.

Get curious: Questions show interest and help the other person feel valued. In The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, author Stephen Covey writes, “Seek first to understand, then to be understood.” When something doesn’t make sense to you or you start to feel agitated, ask yourself: What don’t I know? Is there something I am missing? What am I curious about?

Use reflective listening: Summarize what you think you have heard and check to make sure you have it right. “Here’s what I hear you saying and what is important to you… is this correct?” If you don’t have it right, you can try again. You aren’t agreeing—you are just demonstrating you understand.

If you don’t understand, say, “I’m not clear,” or “Help me out. I’m not getting it.” It’s counterproductive to say, “You are not making sense.” This creates more defensiveness and blames the other person.

Verbal Aikido

Aikido is a modern Japanese martial art that uses the principles of nonresistance to neutralize an opponent. Translated to English, it means “the way of harmonious spirit.” Aikido does not offer aggressive or defensive maneuvers but instead uses the energy of an opponent to divert and redirect an attack harmlessly. The philosophy is based on peaceful resolution and self-improvement. It only takes one conscious person to stop an argument.

Arguments are like two people physically pushing on the other. One pushes; the other pushes back. Then the other pushes back harder. Nothing is accomplished, and everybody feels bad. Verbal aikido uses these principles in defusing conflicts and can help both individuals rekindle empathy.

Let’s imagine my wife and I are arguing. She says, “That’s a dumb idea; it won’t work.” If I say, “You’re wrong,” I’m just pushing back on her, creating more friction. If I agree with her, but don’t mean it, I’m not being truthful, and I’ll wind up being resentful.

Verbal aikido, however, can help stop the “pushing.” Here’s how it works:

YIELD: I can defuse the situation by acknowledging her point of view, reframing it slightly to help her recognize and own her opinion. I don’t say anything aggressive or defensive, but I might say, “You think it’s a dumb idea.” Helping her take ownership of the opinion, presented as a fact, is the first step in redirecting the verbal attack.

INQUIRE: Assuming she says, “Yes, I do think it’s a dumb idea,” I can say, “Okay, help me understand why you think it’s dumb?” I want to invite her to share not just what she thinks, but why she thinks that way. I’m curious to understand her thinking and perspective.

SHARE: Then, I explain why I think the way that I do. “I think it’s a good idea because…” This creates balance in the conversation and opens up a discussion not just about our opinions but about what is behind them. Arguments are solved through dialogue.

RESOLVE: As we talk more, if she offers convincing ideas, I can change my mind. If I still don’t agree, I can say, “Let’s find a solution that works for both of us.” We may compromise and move ahead together, or we may decide to disagree, but at least we understand why we think the way we do, and that is a better outcome than arguing.

Arguments are inevitable in life, but by being mindful and skillful, we can speak wisely, listen actively, and bring empathy and love into our conversations — even the tough ones. . .ONLY IF WE REALLY WANT. . .

person wearing red hoodie
Photo by Jan Kopřiva on Pexels.com


A PLAN–FOR ALL OF US

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https://youtu.be/hak0LgTuJPY

SIMON BIRCH
one of my go to movies
because this is
ONE OF MY
GO TO SCENES
of all time. . .
I’ve used it in
presentations
Bible Studies
HELP-SELF groups
Workshops
ALL
with the question of
WHO ARE YOU. . .
WHY ARE YOU HERE?
( N O W )
because the answer is ever-changing, right?

Who we were as a child at the end of the hand of a parent
IS A MUCH DIFFERENT PERSON
of the parent the child grows into
at the end of the hand of a child. . .

The Movie came out in September, 1998 and it doesn’t share the title of the book by John Irving because at his request he wanted the title changed because he didn’t believe that his novel could successfully be made into a film. . .

Irving’s book, was his 7th novel (WORTH THE READ) was published in 1989. And both, the book and the movie hover around the
WHY
HOW COME
WHAT FOR’S
of Life
and
OUR PLAN. . .
which brings us to
THE SCENE
after Simon
who’s never afraid to ask the tough questions
and lives much taller
than the dwarf he is
is in trouble for causing a huge ruckus
at the Christmas Eve Pageant
and just wants confirmed
what he believes
but no one looking at him
could ever:
THAT HE IS AN INSTRUMENT
THAT HE HAS A PURPOSE
THAT HE HAS A MEANING
THAT HE HAS A DESTINY
THAT HE HAS A REASON
for living. . .
and when the Episcopal Priest
has an opportunity to affirm him
TO AFFIRM US
he doesn’t by answering
I CAN’T
to the immortal question
“I want to know that there’s a reason for things;
I use to be certain, but now I’m not so sure. . .
I want you to tell me that
GOD HAS A PLAN FOR ME;
A PLAN FOR ALL OF US ?”

The PRIESTNESS
in all of us
are capable of answering
NOT WHAT
BUT THAT
the PURPOSES ARE MULTIPLE
. . .tell me,
share with me
your purpose
now
October 12, 2020
(ESPECIALLY NOW IN 2020)
so we can
c a r i n g l y
Catalyst together
to make
I T
happen for each other. . .

D U G N A D

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D U G N A D
Say it with me: 
dugnad (doog-nod). . .
It’s a Norwegian word I learned this week when I was reading an article by Phyllis Cole-Dai; it’s an ancient word, traceable to the Viking Age, when villagers would labor together to bring ships ashore after long seafaring trips.
That’s dognap. . .
In later centuries, Norwegian farming communities would work together to prepare for harsh winters and to survive other hardships. 
Dugnad. . .
In the 1940s, Norwegians rallied to resist five brutal years of Nazi occupation.
  Dugnad. . .

Traditionally, dugnad is the collective effort of individual Norwegians who sacrifice their personal desires, and allow their own sense of “normal” to be temporarily disrupted, for the benefit of their community or country.

On March 12 of this year, after the first Norwegian died from COVID-19, Prime Minister Erna Solberg called for a national dugnad. She asked everyone in Norway to band together to reduce the spread of the disease. As a result, the country contained the outbreak, avoiding massive numbers of infections and deaths.

To my knowledge, I don’t have any Norwegians in my family tree. But a concept similar to dugnad lives in my, in OUR DNA. I call it “love of the neighbor,” or “commitment to the common good,” or “civic duty,” or even “patriotism,” in the best sense.

I know. . .one person’s definition and perspective isn’t the COLLECTIVE’S and I’m often hurt and disappointed when I’m naive enough to think so. . .

I credit my upbringing, my spiritual life, and my liberal arts education, my Master of Divinity in Social Ethics and Pastoral Care among other things, for cultivating in me a deep respect for others. But I suspect that I was born with the seed of this sensibility, just as you were. It’s part of our nature as human beings. How could it not be? We’ve had to count on one another to survive since the dawn of history.

Sometimes, though, that seed of  US gets buried so far down inside, we don’t even realize it’s there. We lack fellow feeling. We’d rather do our own thing than devote ourselves to a common purpose, even in a crisis. . .and isn’t that what we are currently seeing/showing/feeling over these past few months. . . ?

I keep hoping that we can find ways to strengthen our faith in one another. Maybe we could start, right where we are, by sharing frankly what we believe in—one person speaking at a time, while the rest of us listen. I mean, really listen, without mentally picking apart what we’re hearing. Listening so well that when the speaker finishes, we offer only our thanks, without commentary. We now understand better, and that’s enough.

Let’s try it, shall we?
DARE WE?
I’ll speak first, if you don’t mind, since I’m already at it:

I believe in greeting each new day with a bow of gratitude. In nurturing the promise of children. In being faithful to friends. In being kind to strangers. In trying to love without clinging.

I believe in neighborly potlucks and pots of coffee. In bicycles and flowers and porches; early morning walks or afternoon strolls in silence and solitude. In sanctuaries and wilderness. In letting things be. In sometimes losing myself in order to find myself again. In the necessity of pulling colorful weeds out of sidewalk cracks in the delight of UNPLANTING flowers or just buying them and giving them away. In striking a fine balance between freedom and responsibility. In the power of naming. In the duty to vote. In buying a cup of coffee for the car behind you in line and driving away before they have a chance to flick their lights or honk their horn in gratitude. . .

I believe that the universe is big and our place in it isn’t even a speck, yet what we do and say matters. I believe that joy is fleeting. That life is hard. That equanimity is possible, even in the midst of suffering. That life is a fragile web of kinship. That death is always close. I believe in the smallness of what I know, the value of what you know, the vastness of what we can know together, and the existence of what we can’t know at all. . .

I believe in trees, especially old ones, and in the ever-changing sky, which has no borders, only ongoing, never-ending horizons. I believe that what’s good for me is bound up with what’s good for you. I believe in stepping over the line of what’s nice for the sake of what’s right. I believe in poetry and stories and music and art and dreams—everything that helps us to question who we are and to imagine who we might become, together. . .

I believe in you. . .

D U G N A D
I am often the weakest link
to find the strongest of strong
connections
that hold and support me
when I have fingerless hands
to grab
to hold
anything that’s good
for me and others
Seldom the strongest
frequently the weakest
the mainest of the main
is being a part of the chain
Often am I
the thread missing from the tapestry
the puzzled piece
that completes the jigsawed riddle
the punctuation mark
that ends the sentence
the dot that connects the dots
and in the missing
am I forever found
to be often lost
and found again
and yet found once before
being lost
A connection
A link
not deserved
but owned
all the more
to be extended
to the
dugnad
in you

THIS SIMPLE. . . ?
BE THE OUTSTRETCHED HAND
THAT GUARANTEES ANOTHER’S
NEVER TO BE EMPTY
. . .THAT COMPLETES THE NEVER-ENDING CIRCLE

HAND IN HAND
LINK BY LINK
HELP ME
IN MY WEAKNESS
IN YOUR WEAKNESS
TO MAKE STRONG
WHAT CAN NEVER BE ACCOMPLISHED
a l o n e

The RESILIENCE FACTOR

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IT DOES NOT MATTER. . .
it really doesn’t matter how long you’ve lived
BECAUSE
YOU HAVE LIVED
it’s impossible for you
NOT TO HAVE
PTSD. . .
To put it even more directly,
IF YOU HAVE A PULSE
YOU HAVE PTSD
. . .that’s the thought that hit me
between the eyes
and right straight to the middle of my brain
as I was sitting in Presentation given by a Social Worker
from the VA Hospital in Cleveland, OH
when he stated,
“If you have had boots on the ground, you are suffering from PTSD.”
and the thought exploded inside of me
‘we all have boots on the ground
which soils a seed of pain’
that pesters and haunts us
and yes,
gives us
THE RESILIENCE FACTOR
and this once again
got plowed into me again when I read a recent
New York Times Article by Eilene Zimmerman,
who is author of the memoir
“Smacked: A Story of White-Collar Ambition, Addiction and Tragedy.”
with the message of
because of our previous
TOUGH TIMES
it’s prepared us for this current
TOUGH TIME. . .

It turns out, the article states, that the awful times in our lives have been good training for a pandemic, for political and social upheaval, for economic and financial uncertainty. These experiences have taught us that we never really know what’s going to happen next. We can plan as best we can, but now we’re far more able to pivot our thinking. Especially when it doesn’t always feel like it, we have the capacity to cope with more of life’s unexpected slings and arrows, to accept the difficulties we face and keep going, even though it can be hard and rarely volunteered for. . . .

How we navigate a crisis or traumatic event (and the coronavirus has many characteristics of trauma because it is unpredictable and uncontrollable) depends, in large part, on how resilient we are. Resilience is the ability to recover from difficult experiences and setbacks, to adapt, move forward and sometimes even experience growth.

Here’s the rub: An individual’s resilience is dictated by a combination of genetics, personal history, environment and situational context. So far, research has found the genetic part to be relatively small.More from ResilienceIn a Crisis, We Can Learn From Trauma TherapyJune 15, 2020

“The way I think about it is that there are temperamental or personality characteristics that are genetically influenced, like risk-taking, or whether you’re an introvert or extrovert,” said Karestan Koenen, professor of psychiatric epidemiology at Harvard’s T.H. Chan School of Public Health.

Professor Koenen studies how genes shape our risk of post-traumatic stress disorder. “We all know people that are just very even-tempered,” she said. “Some of that is simply how we’re built physiologically.” Yet it isn’t true that some people are born more resilient than others, said Professor Koenen, “That’s because almost any trait can be a positive or negative, depending on the situation.”

Far more important, it seems, is an individual’s history.

The most significant determinant of resilience — noted in nearly every review or study of resilience in the last 50 years — is the quality of our close personal relationships, especially with parents and primary caregivers. Early attachments to parents play a crucial, lifelong role in human adaptation.

“How loved you felt as a child is a great predictor of how you manage all kinds of difficult situations later in life,” said Bessel van der Kolk, a professor of psychiatry at Boston University School of Medicine who has been researching post-traumatic stress since the 1970s. He is the founder of the Trauma Research Foundation in Boston.

Dr. van der Kolk said long-term studies showed that the first 20 years of life were especially critical. “Different traumas at different ages have their own impacts on our perceptions, interpretations and expectations; these early experiences sculpt the brain, because it is a use-dependent organ,” he said.

You can think of resilience as a set of skills that can be, and often is, learned. Part of the skill-building comes from exposure to very difficult — but manageable — experiences.

“Stress isn’t all bad,” said Steven M. Southwick, professor emeritus of psychiatry, PTSD and Resilience at Yale University School of Medicine and co-author of the book “Resilience: The Science of Mastering Life’s Greatest Challenges.” If you can cope today with all that’s happening in the world around you, Dr. Southwick said, “then when you are on the other side of it, you’ll be stronger.”

How we cope depends on what is in our resilience toolbox. For some people it might be filled with drugs. For others it can be drinking, overeating, gambling, shopping. But these don’t promote resilience.

Instead, the tools common to resilient people are optimism (that is also realistic), a moral compass, religious or spiritual beliefs, cognitive and emotional flexibility, and social connectedness. The most resilient among us are people who generally don’t dwell on the negative, who look for opportunities that might exist even in the darkest times. During a quarantine, for example, a resilient person might decide it is a good time to start a meditation practice, take an online course or learn to play guitar.

Research has shown that dedication to a worthy cause or a belief in something greater than oneself — religiously or spiritually — has a resilience-enhancing effect, as does the ability to be flexible in your thinking.

“Many, many resilient people learn to carefully accept what they can’t change about a situation and then ask themselves what they can actually change,” Dr. Southwick said. Conversely, banging your head against the wall and fretting endlessly about not being able to change things has the opposite effect, lessening your ability to cope.

Dr. Southwick has done many studies with former prisoners of war and has found that although they suffered profoundly, many eventually found new areas of growth and meaning in their lives.

“Each of us has to figure out what our particular challenges are and then determine how to get through them, at the current moment in time,” advised George Bonanno, a professor of clinical psychology and director of the Loss, Trauma, and Emotion Lab at Columbia University Teachers College. The good news, he said, is that most of us will. Professor Bonanno’s lab reviewed 67 studies of people who experienced all kinds of traumatic events. “I’m talking mass shootings, hurricanes, spinal cord injuries, things like that,” he said. “And two-thirds were found to be resilient. Two-thirds were able to function very well in a short period of time.”

How to Build Resilience

Interviews with large numbers of highly resilient individuals — those who have experienced a great deal of adversity and have come through it successfully — show they share the following characteristics.

  • They have a positive, realistic outlook. They don’t dwell on negative information and instead look for opportunities in bleak situations, striving to find the positive within the negative.
  • They have a moral compass. Highly resilient people have a solid sense of what they consider right and wrong, and it tends to guide their decisions.
  • They have a belief in something greater than themselves. This is often found through religious or spiritual practices. The community support that comes from being part of a religion also enhances resilience.
  • They are altruistic; they have a concern for others and a degree of selflessness. They are often dedicated to causes they find meaningful and that give them a sense of purpose.
  • They accept what they cannot change and focus energy on what they can change. Dr. Southwick says resilient people reappraise a difficult situation and look for meaningful opportunities within it.
  • They have a mission, a meaning, a purpose. Feeling committed to a meaningful mission in life gives them courage and strength.
  • They have a social support system, and they support others. “Very few resilient people,” said Dr. Southwick, “go it alone.”

So. . .
how do we bring
FACE TO MIRROR
and make things
C L E A R E R
less blurry. . .
Could it be as easy as
LOOKING BEYOND OURSELVES
FOCUSING MORE ON OTHERS
REFINING OUR CARING CATALYST SKILLS. . . ?
How about we prove
that it
DOESN’T
YOU most
RESILIENT FACTOR



HOLDING SPACE

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WHAT. . . ?
You saw it
You watched it
but what did you really see. . .
but what did you watch. . .
A LIVING DEFINITION OF
HOLDING SPACE:
You saw
You watched
WHAT
it means to be with someone without judgment;
to donate your ears and heart
without wanting anything back;
To practice
Empathy and Compassion;
To accept Someone’s
TRUTH
as raw, distasteful and painful
as that
TRUTH
may be
no matter what they are
or
WHO
they are. . .

W I T
is a 2001 movie that was based on the 1999 Pulitzer Prize winning play by Margaret Edson. It stars award winning actress, Emma Thompson with a cameo scene of Maggie Smith
in this powerful example of how she
HELD SPACE
for Emma’s character on her death bed
quickly followed by a great scene as how to
N O T
HOLD SPACE
by a young intern who was more concerned about
RESEARCH
than
Respectful Compassion. . .
OUR TAKE AWAY:

IF THESE COVID19 TIMES
have taught us nothing
(especially over this once again surreal week)
isn’t it simply to

an open, empathetic reminder of

It just might be the difference between
HOLDING SPACE
or
IGNORING IT

FRAGILE DIS-EASE

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It’s not the first time
(and never the last time)
that a poem found me
like a smoke of a blown out candle
that’s still very much
T H E R E
even without the flicker. . .
Fragile
by Nic Askew

We are fragile. You and me.

Though we act strong,
our lives are
held together with
thoughts of where
we might be tomorrow.
And of disappointed
yesterdays.

At any moment we might shatter.
We might fall to our knees
weighed down by the terror
of being so far from
our own control.

Dare we look up, we’d not know
where to go or what to do.

We are fragile. You and me.

If we were to turn to each other,
we might see the whole world
on their knees.
Hurting, and seemingly
alone.

But none of us are.

We are fragile together.

P O E T R Y
can never be framed in
if it’s genuinely vulnerable
and
RAW
FRAGILE
DIS-EASED
(which birthed this):

We are so careful
now
not to be contagious
not to give
what’s so very much
not wanted
needed
sought

I want to give you
so much more
fragile
frail
and maybe even as
deadly

You
I want to give you my
DIS-EASE
my rawest dis-ease
my naked un-comfiness
a nothingness
more intimate
more life-ending
I want to give IT

A most feeble Communion
to give
to receive
accepted



I’M SORRY

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Q U I C K:
When’s the last time you said:
I’M SORRY. . . ?
I’m not asking when’s the last time you apologized. . .
NO,
When’s the last time you actually said the words,
I’M SORRY?
I just did it a couple of days ago
when I visited the Dr.’s office
and actually said,
“I’m sorry for being here and taking your time and any inconvenience I might have caused. . . .”
SERIOUSLY. . .
I’ve often joked if you told me that I was the cause of everything that’s gone bad in 2020
INCLUDING COVID19
I would pause, consider,
“WOW, YOU MAY BE RIGHT!”
Are you in that boat
paddling with the other oar. . .

When we needlessly apologize, we end up making ourselves small and diminish what we’re trying to express, says sociologist Maja Jovanovic. . .

I recently listened to Maja on her TED talk and it made me pause and consider in another way and now, hopefully you, too.

Think about all the times you use the word “sorry” in a typical day. There are the necessary “sorry”s — when you bump into someone, when you need to cancel plans with a friend. But what about the unnecessary “sorry”s? The “sorry, this may be an obvious idea” at a meeting, the “sorry to cause trouble” when rescheduling a haircut, the “sorry, there’s a spill in the dairy aisle” at the supermarket.

The Canadian sociologist Maja Jovanovic believes the “sorry”s we sprinkle through our days hurt us. They make us appear smaller and more timid than we really are, and they can undercut our confidence.

Jovanovic, who teaches at McMaster University and Mohawk College in Hamilton, Ontario, became interested in this topic when she attended a conference four years ago. The four women on a panel were, she says, “experts in their chosen fields. Among them, they had published hundreds of academic articles, dozens of books. All they had to do was introduce themselves. The first woman takes a microphone and she goes, ‘I don’t know what I could possibly add to this discussion’ … The second woman takes the microphone and says, ‘Oh my gosh, I thought they sent the email to the wrong person. I’m just so humbled to be here.’” The third and fourth women did the same thing.

During the 25 panels at that week-long conference, recalls Jovanovic, “not once did I hear a man take that microphone and discount his accomplishments or minimize his experience. Yet every single time a woman took a microphone, an apologetic tone was sure to follow.” She adds, “I found it enraging; I also found it heartbreaking.”

Jovanovic found the outside world not so different: “Apologies have become our habitual way of communicating,” she says. Since then, she’s collected needless apologies from her colleagues and students. One stand-out? “My research assistant said ‘Sorry’ to the pizza delivery guy for his being late to her house,” says Jovanovic. “She said, ‘Oh my gosh, we live in a new subdevelopment. I’m so sorry. Did you have trouble finding this place?’”

We can eliminate the “sorry”s from our sentences — and still be considerate. “The next time you bump into someone,” Jovanovic says, “you could say, ‘Go ahead,’ ‘After you’ or ‘Pardon me.’” Similarly, during a meeting, Jovanovic says, “instead of saying, ‘Sorry to interrupt you,’ why not try ‘How about,’ ‘I have an idea,’ ‘I’d like to add’ or ‘Why don’t we try this?’” The idea is to be polite while not minimizing yourself.

The “sorry”s that fill our written interactions also need to be noticed — and banished. For emails, Jovanovic says, “There’s a Google Chrome plug-in called ‘just not sorry’ that will alert you to all the needless apologies.” With texts, she points out, “Every single one of us has responded to a text you got when you weren’t able to respond right away. What did you say? ‘Sorry.’” She says, “Don’t apologize — say, ‘I was working,’ ‘I was reading,’ ‘I was driving, ‘I was trying to put on Spanx.’ Whatever it is, it’s all good. You don’t have to apologize.”

And, in some of the instances when we’d typically throw in a “sorry,” we could just use the two magic words: “thank you.” 

Jovanovic tells of the moment when she realized the effectiveness of gratitude. She says, “Four of us were at a restaurant for a work meeting, and we’re waiting for number five to arrive … I put my sociological cap on, and I thought, ‘What would he say? How many apologies will he give?’ I could barely stand the anticipation. He arrives at the restaurant, and you know what he says? ‘Hey, thanks for waiting.’ … The rest of us said, “Yeah, you’re welcome,” and we all just opened our menus and ordered. Life went on, and everything was fine.”

Another time when “thank you” can work better than “sorry”? When you’re with a friend and you realize you’ve been doing all the talking. Jovanovic says, “instead of saying, ‘Sorry for complaining’ or ‘Sorry for venting,’ you could just say, ‘Thank you for listening,’ ‘Thank you for being there’ or ‘Thank you for being my friend.’”

Besides removing them from our own communications, we should tell other people when they’re overdoing their “sorry”s, suggests Jovanovic. You can start with your family and friends — and if you’d like, go beyond them. She says, “I have been interrupting these apologies for three years now. I’ll do it everywhere. I’ll do it in the parking lot, I’ll do it to total strangers at the grocery store, in line somewhere. One hundred percent of the time when I interrupt another woman and I say, ‘Why did you just say ‘sorry’ for that?’ she’ll say to me, ‘I don’t know.’”

The World
has become quite the place in 2020
and there might be a ga-zillion reasons to apologize
but
I’M SORRY
for right now
JUST NOW
I’m thinking of some pretty awesome reasons to say,
“THANK YOU!”
Thank you for
reading
pausing
considering
for
YOU. . .
THANK YOU

A Place Where Dreams Come True

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This past week, Gayle Sayers a Hall of Fame Football player died and in reviewing his life in the sports world the question came up:
WHAT SPORT’S MOVIE MADE YOU CRY

BRIAN’S SONG first aired, November 30, 1971
and I remember
ohhhh yeah, crying
(s h o c k e r)
but also calling my (STILL) best friend, Joe Nicolella
to do what we always did after a
sporting event
movie
album
book
. . .d i s c u s s
I don’t think that either one of us admitted it to each other
but yeah, be both cried
and maybe because
to this day
Joe and I have that
close
don’t-have-to-talk-to-you-everyday-to-know-what-you-think/feel
relationship. . .
but what about that Sport’s movie. . . ?

This one, for me has to have a top three consideration. . .
The movie is a sports fantasy drama
that came out in 1989 and was nominated for an Academy Award
It has a fantastic
music score
a great cast of
Kevin Costner, Amy Madigan, James Earl Jones, Ray Liotta and
Burt Lancaster
that culminates in the last scene
that answers the statements
that haunt throughout the movie:
IF YOU BUILD IT HE WILL COME
and
EASE HIS PAIN
both of which talked about Costner’s dad
who actually comes in this last scene
where they both wonder
IS THIS HEAVEN
and
IS THERE A HEAVEN
with the powerful answer of
“Oh yeah. . .It’s the place where dreams come true.”

N O N E
of us have ever lived in a
2020-like
Time before
and we’ve each experienced it
the same
and yet so differently at times
with there be no wonder
why it feels
THE FARTHEST PLACE FROM HEAVEN
. . .and yet. . .
has there been a little bits of
h e a v e n
in all of this
seemingly
unending
h e l l

THE KEY TO A HAPPY HEART
IS MAKING ANOTHER’S
H A P P Y
. . .TRUE OR FALSE
Pssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssst:
You answer with every act
with every act
you create
(or demolish)
A PLACE WHERE DREAMS COME TRUE
. . .Quick,
Pass me a tissue


WOULD YOU RATHER ?

By 6 Comments

We all believe that we are the

C        R        E        A        T        O        R        S

of our own W o r l d s.               .                 .

UNTIL     WE        ARE         NOT.          .          .

It was one of my favorite games

usually played in the back seat of our family car

on long or even not so long

T R I P S.          .          .

For the lack of a better name

we just called it

W    O    U    L    D          Y    O    U          R    A    T    H    E    R

and  it  went  like  this:

WOULD  YOU  RATHER  BE  AN  ELEPHANT  OR  A  MOUSE ?

WOULD  YOU  RATHER  BE  A  MOTHER  OR  A  FATHER ?

WOULD  YOU  RATHER  BE  A  RAINDROP  OR  A  SNOWFLAKE?

WOULD  YOU  RATHER  BE  A  LITTLE  RED  RIDING HOOD  OR  A  GOLDILOCKS ?

WOULD  YOU  RATHER  BE  A  FARM ANIMAL  OR  A  FISH ?

WOULD  YOU  RATHER  BE  A  HOT  OR  COLD ?

WOULD  YOU  RATHER  WORK  OR  PLAY ?

WOULD  YOU  RATHER  EAT  SPINACH  OR  LIVER ?

WOULD  YOU  RATHER  SING  OR  DANCE ?

WOULD  YOU  RATHER  RIDE  ON  A  TRAIN  OR  A  PLANE ?

WOULD  YOU  RATHER  WATCH  A  MOVIE  OR  A  PLAY ?

WOULD  YOU  RATHER  EAT  ICE  CREAM  OR  CAKE ?

WOULD  YOU  RATHER  IT  WAS  CHRISTMAS  OR  HANUKKAH  OR  YOUR  BIRTHDAY ?

WOULD  YOU  RATHER  LIVE  IN  AN  IGLOO  OR  A  TEPEE ?

WOULD  YOU  RATHER  BE BITTEN  BY  AN  ALLIGATOR  OR  A  SHARK ?

WOULD  YOU  RATHER  HAVE  GUM  ON  YOUR  SHOES  OR  DOG  POO ?

WOULD  YOU  RATHER  GET  ELECTROCUTED  OR  SHOT ?

WOULD  YOU  RATHER  BURN  TO  DEATH  OR  DROWN ?

.          .          .the  WOULD  YOU  RATHERS

are endless and you might have come up with a few yourselves
(PLEASE  SHARE_______________________________________________)

AND   THEN   THERE’S    ALWAYS:

WOULD  YOU  RATHER  LOVE  FIERCELY  OR  BE  LOVED  FIERCELY ?

WOULD  YOU  RATHER  GET OR GIVE ?

WOULD  YOU  RATHER MAKE A DIFFERENCE OR BE MADE A DIFFERENCE ?

WOULD  YOU  RATHER  BE KIND OR BE KIND’ED

WOULD  YOU  RATHER  BE  COMPASSIONATE  OR  COMPASSION’ED

WOULD YOU RATHER THE WORLD BE COVID OR HATE FREE

WOULD  YOU  RATHER  BE.           .             .

j u s t     b e 

well
then
v e r b
   i  t
  u   p.       .       .

R  A  T  H  E  R

B     E
THE  REALEST OF THE REALEST
YOU
THE WORLD MOST DEFINITELY
NEEDS YOU TO BE
b e c a u s e
Sometimes we don’t actually know
what we can
D O
until we
D    O
what we didn’t know
we could.   .   .
or would you rather.          .          .          ?

Professional Speaker, Author, Assurance Man