Pssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssst
Before
B O A R D I N G
CHECK IN
Who Cares - What Matters
DO UNTO OTHERS AS YOU’D LIKE TO BE DONE UNTO YOU. . .RIGHT
Or better,
DO UNTO OTHERS AS THEY REALLY WANT DONE UNTO THEM. . .
I mean these are really great aspirations for yourself
FOR OTHERS
. . .or are they the worst?
it’s real close to liking you to break open the
Butterfly Cocoon
before it’s ready
. . .seemingly to make it easier
But actually doing it the most harm ever. . .
THE SAVIOR COMPLEX
I’ve always had one
and thought it noble
and even sometimes wore it as a
Badge of Honor
until I saw I was actually doing more harm
than any kind of well intended
G O O D
so when an article about SAVIOR COMPLEXING comes across my attention
I SOAK IT UP
and ok, fine, here’s the truest of true Confessions:
I end up making this Complex even more
C O M P L E X I N G
and yet, I read on and invite you to do the same now with this article from a recent Psychology Today by Mark Travers, Ph.D., an American psychologist with degrees from Cornell University and the University of Colorado Boulder.
Everyone. . .
Dr. Travers shares that many people come to therapy troubled by their inability to help someone in need. They may say things like:
If you relate to any of these questions, you may have a savior complex. At first glance, your behaviors might point to your helpful nature. But, when examined more closely, your savior complex can be psychologically unhealthy as it can give you an external outlet to focus on instead of addressing your own problems.
Helpfulness is a valued and pro-social trait, but there is a difference between helping and saving. A savior complex goes beyond our ability to help people, crossing into the realm of trying to be a hero in someone else’s life for your benefit more than theirs.
Here I’ll talk about three ways you can manage your instinct to want to “save” people.
When people confide in you, they are often looking for an outlet to let out pent-up emotions instead of wanting to “be fixed.” A big problem for many “saviors” is the mistaken assumption that people are incapable of solving their own issues. If you take up the practice of listening more actively, you may learn that this person is perhaps just looking for a supportive shoulder and someone who will listen.
A study published in the Journal of Positive Psychology finds that listening carefully and attentively increases the level of humility in any conversation, resulting in a positive feedback loop of increased humility and better listening.
Here are two ways to up your listening skills, according to the researchers:
Aside from practicing active listening, resist your urge to intervene. You may find that people can often come to their own aid when helping themselves is the only real way out.
If you try to be the fixer of all their problems, you run the risk of unintentionally pushing them towards a sense of learned helplessness, where they lose the perspective to be able to diagnose and address their own issues.
When a loved one comes to you with an issue, refrain from offering assistance or suggestions right off the bat. Remind yourself that you can be present for someone without having to rescue them. Instead, you can offer validation that shows that you understand and empathize with them and are there for them whenever they need to vent.
One key aspect of the savior complex is the ingrained desire to help even when it’s not wanted or requested. Assuming that the other person is incapable of helping themselves may reflect or be perceived as a superiority complex on your end.
Instead, you can offer assistance in low-pressure ways that keeps the ball in their court. For instance, ask the other person questions like, “This situation seems quite tough. Is there any way I can help?”
Follow their guidance if they ask you to help in a certain way instead of assuming that you know what’s best.
Managing your savior instincts may seem difficult at first, but it’s a learnable skill. Even though you may believe you are doing someone a favor, saving someone who doesn’t want to be saved may backfire. Wait until this person asks for your assistance since it’s likely that someone who truly needs it will ask you for it directly.
And remember
Even as you’re Reaching Out
To REACH IN
f i r s t
IS THIS HELPING THEM
MORE THAN
APPEASING ME. . . ?
An Australian sheep farmer has paid his own unique tribute to his beloved aunt. Ben Jackson was unable to attend his Aunt Deb’s funeral due to pandemic restrictions. So, he laid barley out in a field in the shape of a love heart and let his pregnant ewes show how much he cared. . .
Q U E S T I O N :
HOW DO YOU SHOW YOUR LOVE
If you wait to celebrate
VALENTINE’S DAY
on February 14. . .
YOU’VE WAITED TOO LONG
One of the official languages of South Africa is Zulu (isiZulu in Zulu). It is spoken by about 10 million people. There is a word in Zulu that is used in greetings: “Sawubona”.
It means, “I see you.” Not in the sense of, “I see you standing before me, and I see that you are wearing blue jeans and sweater, and I see that your hair is done up today, and I see that you are wearing your glasses instead of contacts.”
Sawubona is much more than that.
At its heart, Sawubona means, “I see you as a person with a history and culture and hopes and dreams and fears. I see you for who you are. I see you and I respect you.”
Sawubona has been described by worker and community leader Orland Bishop as an invitation to participate in each other’s life. Sawubona, he says, means that people give each other what they need to enhance that moment of life.
Every time I stand before a person, a patient or an audience, a gathering of persons, I remind myself with a deep, purposely cleansing breath what I invite you do; KNOW that these are not nameless, faceless people who are are before you. They are individuals with lives that are as rich and complicated as yours. They are people who want to be seen, who want to be understood, who want to be helped, who want to be respected.
As you look, as you see, pause a moment and think, Sawubona. I see you.
If you carry that intention, bring that forth purposely, you will be looked back at with eyes that say, “Yebo sawubona. We see you too.”
Translation:
AS A CARING CATALYST
I don’t look at you with my eyes
I see you in my
H E A R T
and accept you as you
A R E
not to be
CHANGED
but possibly be
CHANGED
BY YOU
and maybe
better still
WITH YOU
S A W U B O N A
THIS IS ONE OF THE MOST IMPORTANT/HELPFUL/INSIGHTFUL MONDAY BLOG VIDEO’S I HAVE EVER POSTED IN THE PAST SEVEN YEARS AND THERE’S A REALLY GOOD CHANCE YOU WILL NEVER WATCH IT, BUT SHOULD
THE MOST IMPORTANT 10 1/2 minutes you can spend for this entire year and the rest of your life. . .
(Or NOT; YOU can go on, not connecting and worrying and fretting AD NAUSEAM)
There always seems to be this line in the sand that signals
THE FINISH LINE
. . .Pssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssst:
IT DOESN’T EXIST
I recently came across a beautiful poem by Tara Mohr that makes you understand better than any particular Blog Post. . .
It really got my brain cells spinning until this sputtered out:
What I learned most
is that I didn’t learn much
What I learned
I most likely forgot
sometimes instantly
or at least forgot to
Remember
It wasn’t so much
Where are my Keys
Where’d I put my phone
Where’s the remote control for the tv
The big lessons learned
“Don’t worry, it will be ok”
“Be Kind”
“Don’t take things so personally”
“Love is all”
“What matters, Matters”
“One out of One of us dies”
These are the Lessons
I had to take remedial classes
over and again
And having past the Tests
written the Master Thesis
finishing the Doctoral Dissertation
how have I failed
to act as if I’ve never known
anything
to have to learn each of these lessons
once more
with the surprise of the pop quiz
given just for showing up
Damn It
What I have learned most
I didn’t Learn much
I won’t be commanded to repeat
to be held back
The Baccalaureate Ceremony
has already begun
Commencement can’t be altered or stopped
Graduated
To What
To Where
To a Newness
Known
just not fully re-membered
R E M E M B E R
There are never any tears. . .
There is no sense of loss. . .
There isn’t any sadness. . .
“GRIEF” and “BEREAVEMENT” don’t exist
U N L E S S
There is a LOVE greater than all of these things together
that even makes the tears possible. . .
Life-Threatening
Grief can exact a heavy toll on a person’s health. People are more likely to die when they’re in mourning than in ordinary times, a phenomenon that’s so well known it has its own name in scientific literature: the “widowhood effect.” That’s partly due to the negative changes that can affect the heart during mourning. Grief activates the nervous system, including the part that triggers the body’s “flight or fight” response—which, when it’s over-stimulated, has been linked to heart failure.
Now, a study published July 6 in JACC: Heart Failure adds to the evidence that losing a loved one isn’t just painful: it can also be life-threatening. Researchers reviewed health and family data from national databases for about 491,000 Swedish patients with heart failure between 1987 and 2018, who were followed for about four years on average. People who had lost a family member were significantly more likely to die over that time period compared to people who had not lost a loved one, and the riskiest time by far was the week after the loss.
Most of these deaths during bereavement were due to heart failure (although bereavement was most closely associated with an increase in so-called “unnatural” deaths like suicide). People were at higher risk for dying of heart failure when someone very close to them died. The death of a spouse or partner increased the risk by 20%, the death of a child by 10%, and the death of a sibling by 13%, although the loss of a parent did not increase the risk of death. The risk was especially high for people who endured two losses during the period studied—a 35% increased risk, compared to 28% for a single loss.
The researchers were somewhat surprised to find that losing a spouse seemed to exert a greater effect than losing a child, although that may be because the average age of people with heart failure in the study was 79, says Laszlo. “At this age, one doesn’t have such a large network, and if one loses their spouse…that may impact the quality of life much more.”
Researchers have long known that grief can cause physical changes to the heart. People who live through a very stressful event—such as the loss of a spouse or partner—sometimes develop stress cardiomyopathy, also known as broken heart syndrome, or takotsubo cardiomyopathy. (“Takotsubo” is the Japanese word for an octopus trap, the shape the heart takes under severe emotional distress.) Broken heart syndrome usually only lasts for a short period, but it can cause symptoms that resemble a heart attack, including chest pain and shortness of breath; part of the heart enlarges, and the heart pumps blood abnormally.
Laszlo says that these negative changes—as well as others, such as how grief affects the nervous and neuroendocrine systems—may contribute to the higher rate of death immediately after loss identified in her study. After a loved one’s death, people sometimes make behavioral changes, like drinking more and exercising less, that could also drive up the death rate among grieving people, she adds. However, even though the scientists attempted to control for confounding variables, the researchers couldn’t entirely rule out that something besides grief could be at play. Risk factors like poor diet tend to cluster in families, for example.
Nevertheless, Laszlo points to several signs in the data that suggest the outsize role of grief, including the fact that losing someone closer was linked to a higher risk of death. The researchers found that there was an association between grief and death even if family members died from unnatural causes.
While the topic warrants further research, the study is a reminder for family members and heath care providers that people need increased support after losing a loved one. Loss can have a profound effect on people, says Laszlo. “Death is just the tip of the iceberg,” she says. “It denotes there is serious suffering.”
The Truth is Brutal:
PEOPLE DIE
. . .BUT OUT LOVE DOESN’T
DEATH
takes a person
but it never takes a Relationship
and that’s why the
COST OF LOVE
will never be a Debt
we won’t pay. . .
LITTLE SPEECH BUBBLES OVER OUR HEADS JUST MIGHT BE A VERY DANGEROUS THING IF OTHERS COULD READ THEM AS EASILY AS SEEING THEM. . .
Time Magazine recently came out with an interesting article that TALKS about way more than JUNETEENTH. . .It talks about how we EXPERIENCE such things based on the Language we use and Hear
As the United States celebrates its the second year with Juneteenth as a federal holiday, many articles will be written about race relations. But Cydney broached one topic that often falls under the radar: stereotypes.
From the first instant our eyes alight on a television or phone screen, we are inundated with a curated set of images that (supposedly) depict the world around us. These images often show people of color through a stereotypical lens, and these stereotypes bleed into our everyday lives—our workplaces, our social lives, our politics. As a social psychologist at Yale University, Cydney took a look at figuring out exactly how stereotypes hold us back, and what we can do about it.
She talked about being a young Black girl growing up in Prince George’s County, Maryland, Cydney loved the movies. Each year, she and her brothers would gleefully wait in line to get the best seat in the theater for the latest Lord of the Rings, Harry Potter, or superhero film.
Even then, she talked how she was struck by the characters she saw. Few looked like her or her family. Those that did were one-dimensional, with limited speaking roles, often playing supporting roles to White characters. They were disproportionately poor and often criminal. They were rarely desired, easily disposed of, and never granted the nuanced and flawed inner worlds granted to White characters.
These stereotypes, rightly so, puzzled her. Prince George’s County, Maryland, is a majority-Black county—home to doctors, lawyers, politicians, and other Black professionals. The Black characters she saw on television didn’t reflect the rich, diverse, and joyful lives she saw around her. Why does the media put people of color into boxes? How do these stereotypes harm us as individuals and a society?
Cydney became a social psychologist to answer these questions. Twenty years later, she now studied stereotypes, determining how they maintain inequality and worm their way into day-to-day interactions. Across dozens of studies featuring thousands of participants, I find that stereotypes influence how we relate to others, leaking into conversations through the very words that people use.
In one test, Cydney focused on White Americans. White people are subject to stereotypes, too. They’re labeled as more competent than Black people and Latina/os, and White people think that other racial groups see them as racist and entitled. She predicted that White Americans, particularly those who want to connect across racial divides—White liberals—try to reverse these stereotypes through the very words that they use.
Cydney asked over two thousand White Americans to introduce themselves to a Black or White person online. As predicted, White liberals used fewer words related to competence (like “competitive” or “powerful”) when speaking to a Black person.
This “competence downshift” isn’t limited to a lab. Cydney analyzed over 20 years of campaign speeches by White Democratic and Republican presidential candidates and found that White Democrats used fewer words related to competence when addressing mostly-minority audiences (e.g., NAACP ) versus mostly-White ones (e.g., American Federation of Teachers). White Republicans didn’t downshift competence, likely because they’re less interested in getting along with people of color. Sure enough, White Democrats were more likely to address audiences of color than Republicans.
For White liberals, this behavior may backfire. Cydney’s and her colleagues are now testing whether White liberals who use less competent language are seen as patronizing by Black observers. If so, they may reduce, rather than improve, their chances of cross-racial connection by downshifting competence.
Do people of color also counter stereotypes using language? To find out, Cydney analyzed 250,000 congressional remarks and one million tweets by Black and Latina/o politicians in Congress and Twitter. She focused on Black Americans and Latina/os because they tend to be stereotyped as lower in status and powerthan White Americans. Cydney focused on those who are more conservative because they tend to have more positive attitudes toward White Americans and negative attitudes toward their own racial group.
She found that Black Americans and Latina/os who were more conservative used more competent language than their more liberal peers in these mostly-White settings. (There was no such effect among White politicians, or when she asked Black people to talk to other Black people.)
T H I S :
These data suggest that people have a profound desire to reverse negative stereotypes, and this desire shows up in everyday conversation. Stereotypes force us into rigid boxes, and we try to break free of them using the most primary tool available to us: our words.
Now an adult, Cydney still loves mainstream television and movies—and she still is largely disappointed by what she sees. Most characters are White, the vast majority of spoken lines go to White characters, and many Black characters are rooted in stereotypes. (The latest season of Netflix’s hit Stranger Things provides a vivid example.) Awareness and research can help us understand what stereotypes are and how they are harmful, but until we enact large-scale, cultural changes that challenge these stereotypes, we will all continue to be shackled by them.
Maybe until the
YOUNG
T E A C H
D E M O N O S T R A T E
S H O W
us
THAT WE ARE THE DIFFERENCES
created
had
experienced
word by word
deed by deed
person by person
STEREOTYPE
by
STEREOTYPE
can end
i n s t a n t l y
by never be
taught
learned
perpetuated
Heartwarming story – especially for Simon and Garfunkel lovers like me . . . . . “Hello darkness, my old friend…” Everybody knows the iconic Simon & Garfunkel song, but do you know the amazing story behind the first line of The Sounds of Silence?
It began 62 years ago, when Arthur “Art” Garfunkel, a Jewish kid from Queens, enrolled in Columbia University. During freshman orientation, Art met a student from Buffalo named Sandy Greenberg, and they immediately bonded over their shared passion for literature and music. Art and Sandy became roommates and best friends. With the idealism of youth, they promised to be there for each other no matter what.
Soon after starting college, Sandy was struck by tragedy. His vision became blurry and although doctors diagnosed it as temporary conjunctivitis, the problem grew worse. Finally after seeing a specialist, Sandy received the devastating news that severe glaucoma was destroying his optic nerves. The young man with such a bright future would soon be completely blind.
Sandy was devastated and fell into a deep depression. He gave up his dream of becoming a lawyer and moved back to Buffalo, where he worried about being a burden to his financially-struggling family. Consumed with shame and fear, Sandy cut off contact with his old friends, refusing to answer letters or return phone calls.
Then suddenly, to Sandy’s shock, his buddy Art showed up at the front door. He was not going to allow his best friend to give up on life, so he bought a ticket and flew up to Buffalo unannounced. Art convinced Sandy to give college another go, and promised that he would be right by his side to make sure he didn’t fall – literally or figuratively.
Art kept his promise, faithfully escorting Sandy around campus and effectively serving as his eyes. It was important to Art that even though Sandy had been plunged into a world of darkness, he should never feel alone. Art actually started calling himself “Darkness” to demonstrate his empathy with his friend. He’d say things like, “Darkness is going to read to you now.” Art organized his life around helping Sandy.
One day, Art was guiding Sandy through crowded Grand Central Station when he suddenly said he had to go and left his friend alone and petrified. Sandy stumbled, bumped into people, and fell, cutting a gash in his shin. After a couple of hellish hours, Sandy finally got on the right subway train. After exiting the station at 116th street, Sandy bumped into someone who quickly apologized – and Sandy immediately recognized Art’s voice! Turned out his trusty friend had followed him the whole way home, making sure he was safe and giving him the priceless gift of independence. Sandy later said, “That moment was the spark that caused me to live a completely different life, without fear, without doubt. For that I am tremendously grateful to my friend.”
Sandy graduated from Columbia and then earned graduate degrees at Harvard and Oxford. He married his high school sweetheart and became an extremely successful entrepreneur and philanthropist.
While at Oxford, Sandy got a call from Art. This time Art was the one who needed help. He’d formed a folk rock duo with his high school pal Paul Simon, and they desperately needed $400 to record their first album. Sandy and his wife Sue had literally $404 in their bank account, but without hesitation Sandy gave his old friend what he needed.
Art and Paul’s first album was not a success, but one of the songs, The Sounds of Silence, became a #1 hit a year later. The opening line echoed the way Sandy always greeted Art. Simon & Garfunkel went on to become one of the most beloved musical acts in history.
The two Columbia graduates, each of whom has added so much to the world in his own way, are still best friends. Art Garfunkel said that when he became friends with Sandy, “my real life emerged. I became a better guy in my own eyes, and began to see who I was – somebody who gives to a friend.” Sandy describes himself as “the luckiest man in the world.”
Adapted from Sandy Greenberg’s memoir: “Hello Darkness, My Old Friend: How Daring Dreams and Unyielding Friendship Turned One Man’s Blindness into an Extraordinary Vision for Life.”
QUITE A STORY, huh. . . ?
I’m not one for COVERS
and I’m really not a big believer that
A COVER
could be better than the Original
until I did a funeral for a young man
and as people were filing past his casket
he requested that THIS COVER
by the heavy metal group DISTURBED
would be played
and well
. . .well, you tell me. . .
TELL ME WHAT
YOUR SOUND OF SILENCE
S H O U T S