Who Cares - What Matters
IN A WORLD WHERE WE ARE KNOWN AND OFTEN CHAMPIONED
FOR ALL OF THE HATS WE WEAR. . .
WHO WOULD THINK
IT’S NOT THE ONE’S WE WEAR
IT’S THE ONE’S WE DON’T WEAR
THAT JUST MAY MATTER
THE MOST. . . .
(Sometimes it all comes down to a hat. . .)
(My thanks to Amina Amdeen and Joseph Weidknecht, via StoryCorps.)
L A S T
Friday, JANUARY 12, 2024 was
NATIONAL QUITTERS DAY. . .
It’s always the second Friday in January
and yes. . .
just in case you missed celebrating
LAST FRIDAY
(I gave you 5 extra days, just in case)
No WORRIES–
Monday, January 15 was
NATIONAL DITCH NEW YEAR’S RESOLUTION DAY
. . .uhhhh, most likely you might have missed
THAT DAY, too
b u t
“Early slips do not predict failure,” says Norcross, who also authored the study about resolutions. “In fact, many ultimately successful resolvers report—even as they experience them—that the early slips strengthen their resolutions.”
ARE YOU ONE OF THE QUITTERS
ARE YOU ONE OF THE DITCHERS
Lot of questions. . .
especially when it surrounds
R E S O L U T I O N S. . .
DO YOU
Make T H E M
Keep T H E M
Break T H E M
. . .Uhhhhhhhhhh just like everything else. . .
There’s a SCIENCE
To Resolutions
and Most Definitely why they just don’t work. . .
GOOD NEWS ?
Only If there’s another alternative. . .
one that
T H E S T U D I E S
tell us are much more effective:
H A B I T S
How many New Year’s resolutions have you made in your life? How many have you successfully accomplished? The estimate is that less than 10% of New Year’s resolutions are actually achieved so says the good Psychology Professor John C. Norcross, Ph.D.). There’s a lot of homespun folksy advice out there this time of year about how to make sure you reach your New Year’s goals, but I thought I’d share the actual science of how to change behavior.
There’s two main lines of brain and behavior science that influence New Year’s resolutions: The science of habits and the science of self-stories.
Let’s start with the science of habits
A lot of New Year’s resolutions have to do with making new habits or changing existing ones. If your resolutions are around things like eating healthier, exercising more, drinkingless, quitting smoking, texting less, spending more time “unplugged” or any number of other “automatic” behaviors then we are talking about changing existing habits or making new habits. Habits are automatic, “conditioned” responses. You get up in the morning and stop at Starbucks for a pastry and a latte. You go home at the end of work and plop down in front of the TV. Here’s what you need to know about the science of changing existing habits or making new ones:
To create a new habit you have to follow these three steps (based on B.J. Fogg and Charles Duhigg)
E A S Y
If you take these three steps and you practice them 3 to 7 days in a row your new habit will be established.
Now let’s tackle the science of self-stories
The best (and some would say the only) way to get a large and long-term behavior change, is by changing your self-story.
Everyone has stories about themselves that drive their behavior. You have an idea of who you are and what’s important to you. Essentially you have a “story” operating about yourself at all times. These self-stories have a powerful influence on decisions and actions.
Whether you realize it or not, you make decisions based on staying true to your self-stories. Most of this decision-making based on self-stories happens unconsciously. You strive to be consistent. You want to make decisions that match your idea of who you are. When you make a decision or act in a way that fits your self-story, the decision or action will feel right. When you make a decision or act in a way that doesn’t fit your self-story you feel uncomfortable.
If you want to change your behavior and make the change stick, then you need to first change the underlying self-story that is operating. Do you want to be more optimistic? Then you’d better have an operating self-story that says you are an optimistic person. Want to join your local community band? Then you’ll need a self-story where you are outgoing and musical.
In his book, Redirect, Timothy Wilson describes a large body of impressive research of how stories can change behavior long-term. One technique he has researched is “story-editing”:
The technique of story-editing is so simple that it doesn’t seem possible that it can result in such deep and profound change. But the research shows that one re-written self-story can make all the difference.
I’ve tried both of these techniques — creating new habits using the 3-step method, and creating a new self-story. The research shows they work, and my own experience shows they work.
Give it a try. What have you got to lose? This year use science to create and stick to your New Year’s resolutions.
What do you think? What has worked for you in keeping your resolutions?
References
Timothy Wilson’s book, Redirect
Charles Duhigg’s book, The Power of Habit:
PEICE OF CAKE ?
Ooops. . .
Maybe the wrong kind of analogy, huh?
But if you’re going to get tough once and for all
on Resolutions
just 17 days into a brand New Year:
This BOOK is your Life
Your’s to CHOOSE
Your’s to DECIDE
Your’s to DETERMINE
If it’s open
If pages are to be Turned
If Chapters are to be RIPPED OUT
If Paragraphs are to be Deleted
If Sentences are to be Blackend-Out
Y O U R ‘ S
A brand new year
not because it’s 17 Days old
and very much in its Infancy
A B R A N D N E W Y E A R
b e c a u s e
. . .and so now the only
real question that makes any difference
this year
last year
next year
i s
WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO ABOUT IT ?
NATIONAL QUITTERS DAY
NATIONAL DITCH YOUR NEW YEAR’S RESOLUTION DAY
Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm. . .
You want a good Resolution?
Make a Resolution to be a
NO-SHOW
for those celebrations
(MAKE A HABIT OF IT)
QUIT THAT!
W E L L. . .
ARE YOU A RESOLVER?
Another way to ask that question is:
ARE YOU A RESOLVING RESOLVER
or do you even try
or do you even care. . .
IN EVERY CASE
(and a few in between)
Here are
Whether you feel reborn—or even just a little bit reset—at the start of a new year, consider making your mental health a priority in 2024. Why? “Because that’s the gateway to everything else,” says Guy Winch, a clinical psychologist, author of Emotional First Aid, and co-host of the Dear Therapistspodcast. “It’s the linchpin that allows you to succeed or to fail.”
With that in mind, we asked Winch and other experts to share the New Year’s resolutions they wish people would make in the name of mental health.
Spend some time reflecting on whether you’d like to continue with the same online habits in 2024, says Nedra Glover Tawwab, a therapist and author of Set Boundaries, Find Peace: A Guide to Reclaiming Yourself. (If it’s hard to stop scrolling long enough to have an earnest conversation with yourself, take it as a sign that you need a change.) “Do you want to set some boundaries for yourself? Are there people you need to unfollow?” asks Tawwab. For example, you might limit yourself to 15 minutes on social media per day—or delete the most time-sucking apps from your phone during the work week. You could also challenge yourself not to check social media when you’re feeling glum, which is like throwing fuel on an already simmering fire. “The top of the year is a great time to consider how you want to do the rest of the year,” Tawwab says.
That old adage—”Make new friends, but keep the old”—is one to live by, especially considering that loneliness affects physical and mental health, while strong social bonds are a salve. In 2024, Winch suggests resolving to reach out to “one person you lost touch with who used to be dear to you.” If you’re not sure how to open the conversation, he recommends sending a text message like this: “I was thinking about you. It’s been so long. How are you?” End the note with a smiley face, he adds. “That’s important because when you say, ‘It’s been so long,’ it can sound accusatory.” A smiley face, Winch says, can ensure the real meaning— “I miss you”—comes across.
Americans have an empathy deficit, says Calvin Fitch, a clinical health psychologist with Massachusetts General Hospital and Harvard Medical School. He believes fostering empathy is the antidote to the divisiveness ripping society apart. “The fortunate thing about empathy is that it can be trained,” he says. “It can grow.”
In 2024, connect with someone from a group you have a moderate level of difficulty understanding, Fitch suggests. You could follow someone from a different political, religious, or ethnic background on social media, spend time in their community, or even read about a fictional character from that group. “Aim to understand their perspective and read their emotions,” he says. “Try to be able to thoughtfully answer these questions: What makes this person happy? What makes them worried? What are their dreams? What experiences and emotions have shaped their world view? And how are their thought patterns similar to mine?” As Fitch points out, people with high levels of empathy tend to function better in society than those with low levels—with more robust social networks and closer relationships.
This can be the year you stop spending evenings replaying upsetting thoughts about the workday, or engaging in fantasy duels with your rude boss. The simplest way to counteract these unproductive thoughts—which might trigger a visceral stress response, like chest tightness—is to convert whatever you’re ruminating about into a problem-solving question, Winch says. Say you’re spiraling over how much work you have to do and how you’ll never get it done. “That’s the ruminative thought,” Winch says. “The problem-solving version is a scheduling question. When do I have time to deal with the thing that’s bothering me? What can I move or reprioritize? Do I need to look at my schedule to reassure myself I do have time?” Figuring that out, he says, allows you to “ease the stress and distress and continue on with your evening.”
One way to buffer ourselves against life’s stressors is to engage in a wide variety of activities, Fitch advises. First, seek out something that’s pleasurable, like going to a football game or belting out your favorite Taylor Swift album. This sort of fun activity “decreases your reactivity to stress by helping you accumulate more positive events than negative ones,” he says. Then check off a “mastery activity,” like cleaning your house or running errands you’ve been delaying. You might not want to do them, but you’ll almost certainly feel better once they’re done. Also key are being social—a sense of belonging facilitates better health—and doing physical activities that get your heart rate going.
If you’re distressed about the state of the planet—and more of us are—festering in your thoughts will likely exacerbate the situation. Instead, take a cue from Winch’s family: Each year, they pledge to do one thing to ease their climate anxiety, like eliminating plastic bags, composting food scraps, or walking 15 minutes to nearby destinations in lieu of driving. “It’s overwhelming—I feel like I can’t get my arms around it,” he says. “But doing one small thing is a way of feeling like you’re upping your game.”
Being grateful is linked with an array of benefits, including improved mental health—but that hinges on practicing it in a way that feels natural to you. Once a year or so, Winch likes to write a thank you letter to someone who did a small thing that they might not have realized had a big impact on him. “I tell them the context, and I tell them why I’m reminding them of something they have no recollection of,” he says. Once, he reached out to someone he had shared a summer house rental with years prior. The two are now close friends, but at the time, they didn’t know each other—yet the then-stranger had picked up a set of toiletries for him, since there weren’t any there. “It was so lovely and considerate and warm,” he says, and helped him feel immediately at ease. Now, thanks to Winch’s letter, his friend knows exactly how he feels—a boon for both of them.
It could be just 10 minutes twice a day. The key is embracing designated time that’s all about you—and making it a standing meeting on your calendar. That way, “it’s seen as just as productive as any other business appointment you have,” says Kelsey Latimer, a clinical psychologist based in Florida. You might go on a quick walk outside, do some stretches, or close your eyes and embark on a guided meditation, she suggests. Silence your phone and close your office door (or Slack app) to let the people around you know you’re briefly unavailable. You’ll be much happier, and feel more energized, the rest of the day.
You could set all the mental-health resolutions in the world and still benefit from talking with a therapist or other licensed professional—someone who’s trained to help you optimize your well-being. If you’ve been to therapy in the past, the start of the year is a terrific time to schedule a catch-up session, Tawwab says; if it’s a new idea, check a directory like those run by Psychology Today or Good Therapy to find someone who’s available and affordable near you. “Do a mental health check-in just to make sure those bigger things are addressed, and to get their opinion on things that are coming up,” she notes. A therapist will be able to arm you with the tools you need to thrive in 2024—and beyond.
DO-ABLE. . .
Maybe the real question, the truest question is
IS IT WANT-ABLE. . .
M E. . .
I just want to
WAKE UP STUPID EVERYDAY;
TO TRULY WAKE UP EVERY MORNING
AND KNOW THAT I DON’T HAVE ALL THE ANSWERS
AND I NEED TO LOOK AT EVERY MAJOR CHALLENGE
THROUGH FRESH EYES. . .
Y O U R S
Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. . .
Can you actually make your
T I C
T A L K. . .
You’ll Actually Achieve
People often start setting goals with a little too much gusto, trying to overhaul many aspects of their life at once. But that can quickly become overwhelming and backfire. “It’s better to have a systematic approach and identify the one or two that are the most important,” Smoll says.
Making your goal specific can help you follow through on it; research suggests that narrowly defining a goal helps you clarify the tasks necessary for reaching it. “You should define your goal discretely enough to measure and use it effectively,” Smoll says.
It should also be realistic, says Zander Fryer, founder of the coaching company High Impact Coaching. He’s a fan of the Goldilocks-sized goal. “If it’s too big, it will scare you off; too small, and it won’t motivate you,” he says. “Each individual must figure out the goal that gets them moving.” To stay accountable, give yourself a timeline that you can achieve, recommends Fryer. “That will motivate you to take action.”
Whenever you set one goal, you should actually set two: a process goal and product goal, Smoll says. Aiming for a 4.0 grade-point average would be a product goal: the ultimate objective. A process goal would outline the steps it takes to get there. While the product goal gets all the attention, the process goal is equally vital.
Write down a plan for how you’ll go about achieving your end goal, identifying specific strategies. If a hockey player wants to get 5% faster, for instance, “a productive achievement strategy could include skating additional 10 sprints after practice each day,” Smoll says.
Jason Bahamundi, who has completed eight Ironman races and 30 ultramarathons, sets a process goal before every race. “I think a lot about the training, the timing and the cost of what I’m undertaking,” he says. “If I can think about the challenge and then work backwards, I’m successful.”
Setting the goal is the fun part. Sticking to it is tougher. “You will hit barriers and fears,” Fryer says, so accountability is important, especially at the beginning. “Having a mentor, a partner or social accountability will help when you reach a sticking point.”
Fryer recommends choosing someone who you don’t want to disappoint, paying for a mentor or accountability partner or finding someone with similar objectives through a professional or social media group. This person can help by defining clear expectations, focusing on performance and monitoring progress.
Honing your patience will be helpful as well. “Remind yourself that achieving a goal takes persistence, drive and resilience,” Fryer says. “Set your expectations that it will be harder and take longer than you expect.”
That means recognizing when you might need to stop and catch your breath. Bahamundi knows how to guard against mental fatigue by building breaks into his process, particularly when he’s preparing for long events. “I train hard for three weeks at a time and then take a full recovery week,” he says. Cycling through work and rest can help you avoid burnout in any endeavor, whether you’re aiming to lose weight, improve a relationship or launch a big career change.
Savoring how it feels to chase your goal is useful for maintaining motivation long term, says Brad Stulberg, a performance coach and co-founder of the Growth Equation. “Most people cycle through three stages: the grind of putting your head down and doing the work, anger and fear of failure, and enjoyment,” he says. But finding joy in showing up for the work is essential throughout the whole process and shouldn’t be left for the end. “Before you take on a goal, visualize the process and how it makes you feel,” Stulberg says. “If you become tight and constricted, it’s probably not the right goal or time. If you feel open and curious, that’s a good sign.”
The process won’t uplift you all the time, so it’s important to mark the little achievements en route to the big prize. “As you make progress along the way, celebrate each of the smaller steps,” says Smoll. “I like the saying ‘Yard by yard is hard, but inch by inch, it’s a cinch.’ Self validation is very motivating.”
When you do reach the finish line, you might just find that the process—not the product—was the real prize. “I know that every day I’m out there working is putting me in a better position to be successful on race day,” Bahamundi says. “The race is my celebratory lap for all the hard work I’ve put in.”
THIS KIND OF SUMS UP A LOT OF OUR
GOALS
RESOLUTIONS
RESOLVES
f e e l i n g s
this time of the year
as we rear view mirror
where we’ve been
and windshield
where we are headed. . .
THE CAR
JUST WON’T GO FAR
UNLESS YOU
S T A R T
I T
(or put it in gear)
(or take your foot off the brake)
(or get in IT)
(OR__________________________________)
You can actually make your
T I C
T A L K
. . .but WILL YOU?
at Your New Year’s
R e s o l u t i o n s ?
. . .There Is a Better Way
They not so ashamedly admitted: We have an embarrassing confession: our New Year’s resolutions for 2023 are nearly identical to the resolutions we made for 2022 (which were remarkably similar to 2021, 2020, and pretty much every year as far as we can remember).
HELLO. . .IS THIS ALREADY RINGING YOUR NEW YEAR BELL?
A year ago, we held such lofty ambitions. (Uhhhhhh, didn’t we all?) We would exercise more, use social media less, rise earlier, read more books, eat healthier, write more, reduce our carbon footprint, learn to meditate. . .
We all always start so strong. . .
But a few weeks in, as January’s cold morphed into the slushy days of February, our resolve slackened. Twitter reappeared on our phones and we doomscrolled late into the evening. Our warm beds seemed to grip us tighter when the alarm went off for our morning jogs. We began to hit snooze, once, twice, then three times. And, well, meditation never had a hope. . .
We had largely failed. . .
Will this stop us from doing the same thing this New Year’s? Absolutely not. But maybe there’s a different way to approach our five day old New Year’s resolutions.
As the calendar turns from one year to the next, millions of people will resolve to reinvent themselves. On scraps of wrapping paper, crumpled napkins, or in fancy notebooks bought just for the occasion, we will engage in the annual collective ritual of listing the ways that we will, this year, be better.
And yet, by some estimates, as many as 80% of people fail to keep their New Year’s resolutions by February. Only 8% of people stick with them the entire year. Given this less than stellar track record, it is worth asking, what would we do if we were serious? What would we do differently if we really did want to stick to our resolutions for more than a few weeks?
Psychologists who study self-control have advice about how best to stick to our goals. The worst approaches involve what they call “response modulation”—otherwise known as white-knuckling it as you stare down temptation. Good old will power.
The ancient Greeks knew that this was a terrible strategy, as evidenced by their myths. As Odysseus approached the Sirens, whose songs would lure men to their deaths, he plugged the ears of his crew and had himself bound to the mast of his ship.
Odysseus knew that confronting temptation without a plan would fail sooner or later. Instead, he adopted a strategy that present-day psychologists call “situation change.” This is, according to a review of 102 studies, the best strategy for exerting self-control. Rather than exposing ourselves to temptations and hoping we possess the willpower to resist, it is better to avoid confronting them in the first place.
The Lord’s Prayer asks God not to lead us into temptation. Situation change takes matters into our own hands. Dieters remove all the sugary foods from their kitchens. Recovering doom scrollers delete the social media apps from their phones. Aspiring writers block off time for writing on their calendars just as if it was an important meeting during which they must not be disturbed.
Just as importantly, situation change involves paying close attention to our social circumstances. The people around us and the groups we belong to have a substantial influence on behavior—influence that can be leveraged to help achieve our goals.
Groups help people achieve their goals by setting social norms and creating a sense of accountability. It seems when you consistently tell others, individually or in a group, they will always politely (and sometimes brutally) ask you how your holding up your resolutions and achieving them. THAT PRESSURE alone of not admitting to failure is a strong force in helping you keep those hope to be achieved goals.
New research by David Kalkstein, Cayce Hook, and colleagues suggests that norms don’t simply change behavior because people conform in an effort to please others. Rather, norms may limit the behavioral options that even come to mind.
Drawing on one of their evocative examples, imagine that you’re at dinner with a coworker. With your diet in mind, you are finishing the meal with a small espresso, while they indulge in a delectable slice of cake. As you ruefully sip your drink, what are the chances you reach across and help yourself to a spoonful of their dessert? What are the odds that the idea of doing so even comes to mind? Near zero in both cases (at least in our experience).
Everything changes, of course, if your colleague provides you the option. “This is far too much for me; would you like to share?” Immediately, you confront a self-control challenge you didn’t face before: stick to your diet or indulge?
Putting this idea to the test, the researchers tested whether creating a norm against using technology (phones and laptops) in class would help university students be less tempted to engage in counterproductive multitasking while listening to lectures. In one version of a course, the teacher showed students evidence that multitasking reduces learning and established a social norm of not using technology.
In another version of the same course, the teacher provided the same evidence and had students create a personal plan for not using technology in class.
Norms trumped personal plans. . .
On average, students whose resolutions not to use technology were independent reported spending 24% of their time in class multitasking. For students in the course with a clear social norm against tech, it was a mere 10! Importantly, people who were in a group with healthier social norms also reported fewer urges to engage with their phone or computer during class. Tempting thoughts came less frequently to mind. The need for sheer willpower was lessened.
So when you created a New Year’s Resolution this year, to keep it going strong, consider joining a group. Whether you are at home or at work, think more deeply about how your good intentions can be supported (or undermined) by groups and their norms. You might form a running group with friends, start a book club with coworkers, join a local environmental organization, or attend regular meditation meet-ups or a breakfast/lunch/dinner group where you hold each other accountable as to what you’re eating and drinking.
Of course, there is also the possibility that some of the groups you belong to have norms that contradict the goal you have set for yourself. If you want to reduce your alcohol consumption, for instance, you might need to avoid hanging out with your drinking buddies. Spend a little less time in their company and more in the presence of people whose own behaviors align with your intentions.
This is how our groups
can help us become the best version
of ourselves. . .
Listening doesn’t always mean Hearing
Sometimes when you Listen with more than you Ears you’ll hear the most amazing things. . .
SIMON GREER a freelance journalist recently wrote in The Greater Good a timely article that takes a look at the importance of LISTENING more DEEPLY and Speaking/Shouting (JUST) less. . .
At the start of 2021, five very different college campuses kicked off a program called Bridging the Gap. The program is focused on deep listening as the basis for effective communication across lines of difference. The promise of the course is that if we engage the “other,” listen to all stakeholders, and lead with humility and curiosity, then we can better solve the pressing issues facing our nation.
This has been a truly unique time to try to teach bridge-building and promote the notion that the heroes are the bridge-builders. It is a tribute to the students on these very different campuses—schools as liberal as Oberlin College and as conservative as Spring Arbor University—that they have leaned into this approach and these practices at a moment when our democracy seems to be tearing itself apart.
As recently observed the inauguration of Joe Biden as the 46th president of the United States, our country is on edge. So far, the new year has seen violence in our nation’s capital, a second impeachment, and political fractures at the highest levels, further rattling a nation already pummeled by a pandemic, economic collapse, and political polarization not seen since the Civil War. There is a feeling of fear, and maybe even panic, as we hold our breath and pray for a peaceful transfer of power today.
So, in that context, it might be hard to imagine engaging in deep listening across lines of difference. It might even seem counterintuitive. There is a legitimate fear that this “other” might not just disagree with you, or even fundamentally challenge your core values—they might actually be dangerous.
So now the question remains, now what? If you aren’t going engage deeply with those we might call the “other,” then what is your plan? Unfriend everyone on social media who doesn’t belong to your political party? Support your state in seceding from the union? Turn your home into a fortified bunker? Immigrate to Canada?
LEARN A NEW WAY TO LISTEN/COMMUNICATE?
The most concerning part for many is that underneath the multiple political crises in our country today, there is an even more foundational crisis: our lack of 100% commitment to each other’s humanity and the lack of faith in people that results from that.
As Bryan Stevenson, author of Just Mercy, believes about people on death row: “They are more than the worst thing they have ever done.” And so I would ask us for a moment to consider the application of that principle to these 75 million Americans who voted for President Trump and the 81 million who voted for Joe Biden. While many of us have been convinced by the wisdom that people on death row are better than their worst deed, we are still quick to condemn “those voters” as worse than their worst vote. Why have we, so far, been unwilling and unable to apply Stevenson’s teaching here in the political context?
In the face of the political, economic, and cultural trends that have been heaving us in this direction for some years now, I have been inspired to return to my roots—to my deep faith in people, to a humble curiosity about why people think the way they think, to a sense of wonder as to how we construct our realities, to the brutal truth of what so many face as they try to get through each day, to the courage to meet and accept people where they are, and to the practice of deep listening.Bridging the Gap students.
Bridging the Gap (BTG) was piloted at the beginning of 2020 with 17 students from Spring Arbor University and Oberlin College. According to the prevailing societal perceptions and stereotypes, Oberlin students are condescending, liberal snowflakes; conversely, Spring Arbor students carry the label of hate-filled, conservative evangelicals—and, according to this narrative, both should see the other as their enemy. But BTG’s premise is that the heroes can be the bridge-builders. So we brought together these two groups of people, who were expected to deeply disagree with each other, to build relationships, listen deeply, and explore the very issues that might drive them apart.
Here are some of those recent findings and hope as this project goes forward:
The initial invitation purposefully set the tone for the entire experience. The genuine INTENTIONS:
Building on this invitation, and before students from each college met, there was a mutual investment in intensive skills-building, so that their eventual meeting would be profoundly different from what they’ve grown used to in discourse and politics.
One of the first skills that was taught was “listening.” While listening may seem like an obvious and easy task, the truth is very few of us have formal training in listening. And while we think it’s as simple and automatic as breathing, the truth is that true listening takes training, practice, and a deep commitment.
When someone else is speaking, it’s easy to daydream, plan replies, get distracted by judgment, and interrupt with self-centered questions or quick-fix solutions. Listening deeply means silencing that noise, listening not just with your ears but with every sense you’ve got, every cell in your body. It means listening to all that is said and unsaid, to the body language, the tone, the eye movement. It’s full-body listening.
This type of listening builds trust, opens doors, and offers a path to deep discovery and a sacred connection that forms the basis for new understandings and otherwise unimaginable possibilities. Study after study shows in sector after sector—in medicine, marriage, real estate sales, and more—that true listening generates better results. And yet most of us go through our entire education without having learned how to do it.
With this foundation of intention and training, the group moved into the realm of feedback. Often in efforts to bridge across deep divides, there is either a desire to avoid the “tense stuff” for fear of damaging the relationship, or to go hard at the most fraught areas to prove our own commitments and defend deeply held values.
The BTG project model resisted both urges. Their approach was to invest in the relationships, knowing that the capacity to disagree constructively is directly tied to the strength of the relationship. So, we didn’t tackle the hardest things first—but we were also totally up front that we aren’t afraid of those things and don’t mean to sweep them under the rug. We promised that the group would come to them, in time. We also taught an approach to giving feedback that distinguished between experience and interpretation. This approach emphasizes disclosure rather than accusation, and it offers a common framework that supports participants having hard conversations in a structured manner where everyone knows how to engage.
This group also stayed away from the most common tools used in debates or disagreements, which is to throw out statistics and facts to prove a point. Instead, BTG used storytelling as a way of going deeper and diffusing tensions that might cause someone to get locked into their position. Our goal was to open up space for the type of dynamic tension that can create motion and unleash new and positive energy.
Storytelling is a way to express beliefs and where they come from, humanizing a potential “opponent” in our eyes and vice versa. The group kept it simple but taught that good storytelling includes telling your story like a good play, in three acts:
Additionally, it encouraged students to show and not just tell. For instance, not just saying “the movie was funny,” but sharing a line that actually made you laugh.
The encounter is where the rubber hit the road! This is when the students met and applied all the skills they’d learned about how to build bridges, communicate constructively, and cultivate relationships with the “other.”
What underpinned this phase were a handful of crucial and, perhaps, unorthodox principles. To begin, it was decided to start with values and stories, rather than immediately taking on a hot-button issue, to get to know the person across the table. We encouraged students to learn about each other’s background and to try and understand what makes them tick, whose shoulders they stand on, and why they see the world the way they do.
In fact, in the first group activity, they used 21/64’s deck of 50 Picture Your LegacyTM cards with images on them and asked the students to sort through them to find the three images that most reflect the values they try to live by and the way they try to lead their lives. Then we asked them to find the three cards that resonated least with their values and how they try to lead their lives. The students shared their top and bottom cards with the group, and they worked together to look for areas of alignment or disagreement, seek out patterns, and try to get to know each other at the level of values.
It was made sure participants were staying in motion. These issues are big, they’re complex, and they’re stuck. It is strongly believed that physically keeping things moving could help make students feel more open and receptive to different beliefs and opinions. It also was made sure to mix up the groups and their sizes, composition, and dynamics. This helped keep the positive energy alive without leaving anyone trapped in a dead-end conversation.
Many experts agree that upwards of 80% of all communication is nonverbal. So, we wanted to include exercises that allowed students to express themselves without speaking, especially when they were beginning to tackle more divisive topics.
For instance, they wanted to explore where there were strong, divergent opinions and even sharp disagreements. To do this, they used an activity called “Lay It on the Line,” where they would start with a statement, such as “I believe in each American citizen’s unrestricted right to bear arms.” Students would then physically, and silently, position themselves along a spectrum with “strongly agree” on one end and “strongly disagree” on the other. This nonverbal, but revealing, exercise gave insight into where there may be great (and surprising) splits. They could start to explore those gaps without locking into a debate-style format. Students observed their peers moving in unexpected ways, patterns were upended just as they were revealed, and gradations were stark just as we moved quickly through the questions before labels could take hold.
As mentioned, they were not trying to approach this project using the standard format and techniques—they know that hasn’t worked so far. They wanted to set up conversations with unusual and unexpected content. The approach was to selectively tackle controversial issues head-on.
For example, they viewed a film called Belief, where people as diverse as New York Times columnist David Brooks, Megan Phelps-Roper (granddaughter of the founder of Westboro Baptist Church), and Illyasa Shabazz (daughter of Malcolm X) shared their relationship to belief, love, God, and the soul. The speakers had competing perspectives, and afterward we asked students to break into small groups to “share a time when your beliefs informed a private decision in your life.” After some discussion of the private realm, then they turned to the public square and asked, “How does your belief system influence your positions on important public policy issues?”
In a group of Christians and non-Christians, this was potentially quite divisive territory. But these discussions were set up as an invitation to reflect on beliefs, and the role of beliefs in constructing worldview and the “why?” underneath stances on issues. Perhaps as a result, they did not become arguments. Instead, the conversations were places for students to disclose how they think and convey their truths. Those truths then interacted with other different truths and the complexity of who we are was revealed.
The last phase of the program was to bring the skills and the encounter to bear on a pressing and contentious policy issue to see what might be possible when we apply this approach.
We selected criminal justice and utilized the BTG multi-stakeholder approach. Just as we had skillfully encountered “the other” in the second phase of the program, now they encountered all sorts of “others” as they met with stakeholders from across the criminal justice system. Corrections officers to people who are incarcerated, the formerly incarcerated and the corrections officer’s union, the reform advocates to the head of the Department of Corrections, the legislators who approve the budget for corrections—we met them all.
It was not lost on students that these stakeholders don’t ever sit down all together and that their caricatures of each other can often be quite limiting, especially as they seek political and policy solutions to complex problems.
Students quickly understood that you are only enhanced, not diminished, by hearing from the full range of stakeholders, even if you deeply disagree with their perspective. It became clear that when you miss an important stakeholder’s voice, it not only generates resistance from those who feel left out, and may be crucial to successful implementation, but results in blind spots as you miss key factors and interests in the system as it is.
And, most importantly, you might well miss deeply buried opportunities for common ground where the most unlikely of allies might discover that, even if they don’t like each other, they have common interests.
Through the policy-application phase and up until their final presentations, the students kept encountering these opportunities. If our criminal justice system is failing with both painfully high recidivism rates among those who are incarcerated and the highest suicide rates of any profession among those who work in prisons, then shouldn’t the fact that the system is killing the two largest stakeholder groups be a first step toward common ground?
If I’m completely honest, I stand stunned from time to time while listening to “the other side.” Often, they seem to live in a completely different country from the one I live in. But I severely make every attempt to LISTEN
To get beyond this crippling divisiveness, we must seek out a deeper understanding of the call for unity, the spirit of unity, the intention of unity. It isn’t that the intention is wrong, far from it. The problem is that unity fails when it is understood solely as an intention. Unity must not be just a principle. Unity must be a practice.
Bridging the Gap is about practice, more than it’s about language or beliefs. If we are going to find unity again in our country, we need to practice it. Those who practice it we call bridge-builders. When they are viewed as our heroes, not the sell-outs or villains, then our culture will be well on its way to repair and healing. The good news is that more and more college students are hungry for it.
Maybe the best way to end this particular blog post is to quote, the late, great Larry King who once said,
“I NEVER LEARNED ANYTHING WHILE I WAS TALKING”
I decided to get rid of all of the junk food in the house
to begin my New Year’s Resolution of going on a diet
and. . .
and it was D E L I C I O U S !
Have you made your New Year’s Resolutions yet?
I only have One Resolution:
T O G I V E U P R E S O L U T I O N S
Is it any wonder why?
The Top 10 Resolutions are:
Stay Fit
Lose Weight
Enjoy Life to It’s Fullest
Spend Less, Save More
Spend More Time with Family and Friends
Get Organized
Learn Something New
Travel More
Read More
REFUSE TO MAKE ANY RESOLUTIONS
There are about 38% of us WHO WON’T BE MAKING RESOLUTIONS
and the other 62% will find only a
W H O P P I N G
8%
who will keep their RESOLUTIONS. . .
Do I hear an O U C H ?
Mike Yaconelli’s, THE LITTLE BOY WHO WANTED TO FIGHT FIRES has always been one of my favorites, especially this time of the year. Mike died a few New Year’s Eve’s back
Allow me to share it as I remember it:
ONCE THERE WAS A LITTLE BOY WHO, EVER SINCE HE COULD REMEMBER, WANTED TO BE A FIREMAN. THE SHRILL OF THE SIREN AND THE DEEP RUMBLE OF THE RACING FIRE-TRUCK HAD FILLED HIS DREAMS ALMOST EVERY NIGHT. DEEP IN HIS HEART THERE WAS A LONGING TO SOMEDAY BE ABLE TO HELP PEOPLE; TO SAVE PEOPLE FROM THE RAVAGING GRASP OF A FIRE. IT WAS NOT JUST A CHILDHOOD FANTASY. HIS WAS THE UNMISTAKABLE CALL OF DESTINY.
GROWING UP NEVER CHANGED HIS MIND. TO BE SURE, HE HAD GONE THROUGH ALL THE INDECISION AND DOUBTS OF ADOLESCENCE, THE WELL-MEANING QUESTIONS OF FRIENDS AND FAMILY WHO ‘WONDERED WHETHER HE COULD BE HAPPY AS A FIREMAN.’ HE WAS TO PUT OUT FIRES.
OH, HOW HE LONGED FOR THE DAY WHEN HE WOULD NO LONGER BE A SPECTATOR, BUT COULD PARTICIPATE ACTIVELY AS A FIRE-FIGHTER. NOW, ALL HE COULD DO WAS WATCH.
THEN THE BIG DAY ARRIVED. HE WAS ACCEPTED AT ONE OF THE BEST FIREMAN SCHOOLS IN THE COUNTRY. FOR THREE YEARS HE IMMERSED HIMSELF IN HIS SCHOOLING. HE SPENT HOURS HONING HIS SKILLS ON PRACTICE FIRES. HE STUDIED FIRE-FIGHTING THEORY LONG INTO THE NIGHTS. HIS TEACHERS WERE WORLD-RENOWNED.
BUT STILL AFTER ALL THESE YEARS HE HAD NEVER FOUGHT A REAL FIRE. AS GRADUATION APPROACHED, HE REALIZED THAT LONG-AWAITED MOMENT WAS WITHIN HIS REACH.
BUT SUDDENLY HE BEGAIN TO HAVE DOUBTS. FOR THE FIRST TIME IN HIS LIFE HE WAS UNSURE, AFRAID, AND WORSE YET, QUESTIONING WHETHER HE OUGHT TO BE A FIREMAN AT ALL.
IT WAS THEN THAT ONE OF HIS PROFESSORS SUGGESTED HE TRAVEL TO EUROPE AND STUDY UNDER ONE OF THE GREATEST FIREMAN THEORISTS OF ALL TIME. HE WOULD BE RECOMMENDED BY HIS PROFESSORS AND WOULD RECEIVE THE FINEST TRAINING AVAILABLE. IT WOULD LAST FOR TWO YEARS.
THE NOT-SO-LITTLE BOY DECIDED TO GO TO EUROPE, AND FOR TWO YEARS HE EXHAUSTED HIMSELF IN DEDICATED STUDY AND BECAME ON OF THE MOST BRILLIANTLY EDUCATED FIREMEN IN THE WORLD. BUT ALL HE HAD EVER DONE WAS PUT OUT PRACTICE FIRES. ONCE AGAIN, GRADUATION LOOMED BEFORE HIM. AND, ONCE AGAIN, HE WAS HAUNTED BY INDECISION. HE KNEW ALL ABOUT FIRES AND COULD TELL ANYONE HOW TO FIGHT ONE; IN FACT, HE KNEW SO MUCH HE BEGAIN TO FEEL THAT HIS SUPERIOR KNOWLEDGE DID, IN FACT, PLACE HIM A NOTCH ABOVE ‘ORDINARY’ FIREMEN. HE BECAME INCREASINGLY CONCERNED THAT HE MIGHT HAVE TO FIGHT FIRES WITH ‘UNEDUCATED’ FIREMEN, WHICH COULD RESULT IN HIM BEING EXPOSED TO UNNECESSARY DANGER.
IT WAS THEN THAT HE WAS OFERED A POSITION TO TACH AT ONE OF THE MOST RESPECTED FIREMEN SCHOOLS IN THE COUNTRY.
HE ACCEPTED. AND FOR TWENTY-FIVE YEARS HE TAUGHT WITH HONORS AND RECEIVED RECOGNITION WORLDWIDE. HE DIED LAST YEAR, AND WHEN THEY READ HIS MEMOIRS, THEY CAME ACROSS A STRANGE PASSAGE WRITTEN WHILE ON HIS DEATHBED:
“I LIE HERE TODAY REVIEWING MY LIFE. I STILL REMEMBER MY DREAM, MY PASSION TO BE A FIREMAN. MORE THAN ANYTHING ELSE I WANTED TO PUT OUT FIRES…BUT I REALIZED SOMETHING TODAY.
I HAVE NEVER PUT OUT A REAL FIRE. N E V E R!”
What. . .
what in our lives–yours and mine–
are we spending our time studying i
n order to avoid
D O I N G ?
Seriously. . .just what Day is exactly NOT a New Year?
A New Beginning?
A Do-Over?
NO!
No more Resolutions!
No more, “I SHOULD’S”
No more, “I COULD’S”
No more, “I WOULD’S”
DISSOLVE Resolve- -this Day
. . .this Year.
Merely. . .Actually. . .
W H O L E H E A R T E D L Y
become Absolutely Y O U!
You were. . .
You are. . .
You will Always be unfolding
to Become more completely YOU!
(and less than Anyone else).
Dissolve to Resolve. . .
IT will guarantee you a New Year any day of the Year!
Be the Firemen WHO fights Fires. . .
watch the Flames lift you and eliminate all of the smoke from being in your eyes;
and Seeing. . .
S E E I N G clearer,
others will see more clearly, too.
B E
Happy New Year’s. . .
Happy New DAY. . .
Happy New YOU!
Possessssssssst of the Day:
It’s the only Resolution you’ll never make
that absolutely won’t fail to
to s u c c e e d!
