The Caring Catalyst

Who Cares - What Matters

NO REGRET LIVING=NO REGRET GRATITUDE

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I have been a big fan of Brené Brown for many years now. If I’ve read this post of her before, I certainly have forgotten it, but I’m so glad it’s found me again now so I can not only be reminded but also remind you of what gratitude, what Thanksgiving is all about:  EMBRACING fully not the shoulds/woulds/coulds of our lives, but the actual good, kind, compassionate things we have actually done for another.  ENJOY her post of November 1 as she passed on some gold nuggets from Daniel Pink; Psssssssssssssssst: YOU WON’T REGRET IT

My research and my life have taught me that regret is one of our most powerful emotional reminders that reflection, change, and growth are necessary. In our research, regret emerged as a function of empathy. And, when used constructively, it’s a call to courage and a path toward wisdom.

One of the most powerful lines about regret comes from George Saunders’s 2013 commencement address at Syracuse University.

Saunders talked about how when he was a child, a young girl was teased at his school and, although he didn’t tease her and even defended her a little, he still thought about it. He said:

“So here’s something I know to be true, although it’s a little corny, and I don’t quite know what to do with it: What I regret most in my life are failures of kindness. Those moments when another human being was there, in front of me, suffering, and I responded . . . sensibly. Reservedly. Mildly.”

The idea that regret is a fair but tough teacher can really piss people off. “No regrets” has become synonymous with daring and adventure, but I disagree. The idea of “no regrets” doesn’t mean living with courage, it means living without reflection. To live without regret is to believe we have nothing to learn, no amends to make, and no opportunity to be braver with our lives.

In our work, we find that what we regret most are our failures of courage, whether it’s the courage to be kinder, to show up, to say how we feel, to set boundaries, to be good to ourselves, to say yes to something scary. Regret has taught me that living outside my values is not tenable for me.

Regrets about not taking chances have made me braver. Regrets about shaming or blaming people I care about have made me more thoughtful.

Sometimes the most uncomfortable learning is the most powerful.

Daniel Pink

It feels like we spend so much effort on the things that are mostly EFFORTLESS is we allow them, if we allow ourselves to be ourselves with others.          .          .
and not a single REGRET was in sight.          .          .

EMPTY CHAIR’D

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THE EMPTY CHAIR
Will stare you down
Glare back
Blink not
Because it holds the
h a l l o w e d
power of
M    E    M    O    R    I    E    S

ANGUISH:
The lack of Blindness
that illuminates
The Empty Chair
at a Holiday Table

The best thing about an
EMPTY CHAIR
At the Table
Is that it has a Meaning
No other Emptiness
Could ever hold
or Capture

It WHISPERS:
I’m still here
It SHOUTS:
Remember When

The Blessing
of an
EMPTY CHAIR
Is it cradles what can’t be held
No Hurt
No Grief
No Pain
No Loss
No Emptiness
That’s caused by a power
Much stronger than all of those things
Together:
L O V E

There’s nothing that shouts louder
Than a Silent Space
There’s nothing more full
Than an
EMPTY CHAIR
A heart will always Shout
What a mouth can’t Whisper
EMPTY CHAIR
That reminds of scents
That holds little sense
That makes no cents
But always keeps us
To what Was
Tortured to what Is
Foreigners to what
For an Ever
Will always be

And the worst of the worst
The baddest of the bad
The grievous of the grief
isn’t
THE EMPTY CHAIR

It’s the
s m a l l e s t
slow rusting rotting
EMPTY CHAIR
that holds
what never was
reminding us
painfully
of all of the memories
that’ll never be
created
experienced
imagined

Leaving us
not only
Empty Chair’d
But Spilled OUT
Off our Rocker
POURED OUT

The only thing worse than getting
EMPTY CHAIR’D
is being
NO CHAIR’D

Forever leaving blank the phrases:
I REMEMBER THE TIME:
I’LL NEVER FORGET THE TIME:
or better yet,
WHAT ABOUT THE TIME:
.          .          .because the worst memories of all
ARE THOSE NEVER CREATED.          .          .          
EMPTY CHAIR’D

A DEEPER “I’M SORRY”

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“I’M SORRY”
See, that wasn’t so hard was it
B               U               T
Did you mean it.         .          .
Did they feel it.     .     .
DID THEY BELIEVE IT.          .           .           ?

Do you use these words

when you apologze?

It’s time to stop, researchers say

There’s something very powerful about receiving or giving a heartfelt, genuine apology.

Bad apologies, on the other hand, can be disastrous and lead to more hurt.

The new book, Sorry, Sorry, Sorry: The Case for Good Apologies, draws from a broad range of research to explain the power of apologies, why we don’t always get good ones, and the best way to tell someone you’re sorry.

Co-authors Marjorie Ingall and Susan McCarthy break down the six (and a half) steps to great apologies. They are:

  1. Say you’re sorry. Not that you “regret,” not that you are “devastated.” Say you’re “sorry.”
  2. Say what it is that you’re apologizing for. Be specific.
  3. Show you understand why it was bad, take ownership, and show that you understand why you caused hurt.
  4. Don’t make excuses.
  5. Say why it won’t happen again. What steps are you taking?
  6. If it’s relevant, make reparations: “I’m going to pay for the dry cleaning. Just send the bill to me. I’m going to do my best to fix what I did.”

“These six steps are relevant for adults, for children, for corporations, for institutions, for governments,” Ingall said. “And six-and-a-half is ‘listen.’ People want to be heard, and don’t jump over them. Let the person that you hurt have their say.”

Ingall said saying the word “sorry” may seem obvious, but it didn’t always happen. Instead, people say things like they’re “regretful,” and this isn’t the same thing.

“Regret is about how I feel,” Ingall said. “We’re all regretful. ‘Sorry’ is about how the other person feels. And when you apologize, you have to keep the other person’s feelings at top of mind.”

Then there are the words not to say during an apology.

Ingall points to words like “obviously” (“If it was obvious, you wouldn’t have to say it”) and “already” (“‘I’ve already apologized’ is a thing we hear a lot”), and the qualifiers like “sorry if…” and “sorry but…” and “I didn’t meant to.”

“Intent is far less important than impact when it comes to apologies,” Ingall said.

McCarthy adds that a bad apology can even make things worse.

“It’s akin to the cover-up being worse than a crime, if you make an apology that says, you know, ‘You shouldn’t even have a white sofa,’ or, ‘You shouldn’t have been standing there,'” she said.

On the other hand, a great — even late — apology can have tremendous healing power, the authors say.

“I received a letter years after a breakup from a boyfriend,” Ingall said. “And he just said, ‘I wanted you to know I’m getting married. And I’m aware that I was often not a good boyfriend. And I want you to know that I was listening, even when it didn’t seem like I wasn’t listening. And I’m going to be a better husband because of our relationship.'”

So.            .             .when’s the last time you apologized.        .        .         ?

How did that go for you?

Is it worth showing up and maybe saying
maybe SHOWING it in another way.          .          .
I’m Sorry.       .       .
maybe it’s worth another try in another way just to make sure your
“I’M SORRY
goes a little bit
d
e
e
p
e
r
.
.
.
.

MAKE MISTAKES

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If our Lives are like Books
We no doubt have many
LINES
PARAGRAPHS
PAGES
CHAPTERS
LARGE SECTIONS
we would rip out
So others would never see them
and we just might be able to forget them
b                    u                    t
if we could just learn from our mistakes
(especially the ones we make repeatedly)
we just might find
that we have no regrets
but some
MONUMENTAL MEMORIES.          .          .

THE ROADS WE WON ‘T WALK

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S T R A N G E
how walking down
ROAD
can quickly take you down
a n o t h e r
. . .when I first saw this video and heard the song
by Bruno Major
and read the lyrics:
Sunlight dances off the leaves,
Birds of red, colour the trees,
Flowers filled with buzzing bees,
In places we won’t walk.
Neon lights shine bold and bright,
Buildings grow at dizzying heights,
People come alive at night,
In places we won’t walk.
Children cry and laugh and play,
Slowly hair will turn to grey,
We will smile to end each day,
In places we won’t walk.
Family look on in awe,
Petals decorate the floor
Waves gently stroke the shore
In places we won’t walk
Children cry and laugh and play,
Slowly hair will turn to grey,
We will smile to end each day,
In places we won’t walk.
. . .Well, they took me quickly to
Robert Frost’s timeless lines:
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

Which took me down the Road
to this immortal question:
DO YOU HAVE ANY REGRETS?
(or phrased differently)
DO YOU HAVE ANY DO-OVERS?

What would you change?
What would you tweak?
What would you speed up?
What would you postpone?
What page of the book of your life would you rip out?
What paragraph would you delete?
What words would you change?

Could the
A N S W E R
actually be
N O N E. . .
Could you ever dare believe
that each
mistake
regret
terrible decision
mishap
tragedy
flaw
foible
wrong road taken
was actually
THE RIGHT ONE
after all. . .
not because
ALL ROADS
lead to the
SAME PLACE
but always to the
SAME CONCLUSION:
Each
the good and the bad
the right and the wrong
the horrible and the happy
not only gave us another thread
to our Tapestry
but also another piece
to our Puzzle
BOTH
not only further
COMPLETING US
but also
IMPROVING US
along
THE WAY
(our own individual way)
by showing us
what felt like didn’t work
. . .D I D
all on
(ESPECIALLY ON)
THE ROADS WE WON’T WALK
(but have, just the same)




Are You The 9 0 %

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Unknown

Are you included in the 90%

Are you a part of the ever growing

not-so-much-of-a-minority

any longer

group

of the

C         O         U         L         D         A

S         H         O         U         L         D         A

W         O         U         L         D         A

Continent

9 0 %

90%  of the people say they have a major

R          E          G           R            E          T

about something in their lives.          .          .

You?

Regret is the second most frequently mentioned emotion after

l        o        v        e.       .       .

Researchers from Northwestern’s Kellogg School of Management

found that our biggest regrets tend to revolve around

Romance:  18.1%

Family: 15.9%

Education: 13.1%

Career 12.2%

Finance 9.9%

and that we feel the most regret about missed chances:

In the long run, we’re more likely to regret things we didn’t do

than things we

d  i  d     d  o.        .        .   

The   W  H  Y    of   it  all:

“Our ‘psychological immune system’ helps us recover from bad experiences quicker than we assume, thanks to our ability to rationalize and reframe how we see things.   .  .But it’s harder to use these tricks to get over never having tried something in the first place.    .    .    .” 

So.        .        .

what’s a Ninety-percenter to do?

According to Bronnie Ware’s book,

THE  TOP  FIVE  REGRETS  OF  THE  DYING

you’ll be much more satisfied at the end of your life

if   you:

L I V E     A     L I F E     T H A T ‘ S     M O R E     M E A N I N G F U L     T O     Y O U

H A V E     T H E     C O U R A G E     T O     E X P R E S S     Y O U R     F E E L I N G S

S I M P L Y     A L L O W     Y O U R S E L F     T O     B E     H A P P I E R

P R I O R I T I Z E     F A M I L Y     T I M E     O V E R     L O N G     H O U R S     A T     W O R K

S T A Y     I N     T O U C H     W I T H     O L D     F R I E N D S

Maybe Ted Hughes, the British Poet Laureate was right:

“The only thing people regret is that they didn’t live boldly enough, that they didn’t invest enough heart, didn’t love enough.  Nothing else really counts at all.”

Maybe the Chinese Proverb is correct:

If you want to be happy for an hour–take a nap

If you want to be happy for a day–go fishing

If you want to be happy for a month–get married

If you want to be happy for a year–inherit a fortune

If you want to be happy for a lifetime–

H  E  L  P      O T H E R S

Being a Caring Catalyst

not only means giving up a life of regrets

but picking up  o p p o r t u n i t i e s  to

make others happier.     .     .

Hey,

if you want to build skills for a happier life with fun,

science-based  activities and games

then you can click in:

www.happify.com

If you want to begin

at this very moment

become a

Certified  Caring  Catalyst

Uhhhhhhhhh.         .           .

need I say it.           .           .

 need you read it.       .       .

Y   O   U

W   O   N   ‘    T

R    E    G    R    E    T       I    T

CLEAN SLATED

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https://youtu.be/R45HcYA8uRA

Forgive me. . .

I’ve  got

R          E          G          R          E          T          S

and   u n l i k e

Frank Sinatra’s  MY WAY.   .   .

They are way too  m a n y  to Mention

I,  on purpose,  D I D    N O T  post this on

New Year’s Day

Because that’s always a Universal

C  L  E  A  N     S  L  A  T  E     D  A  Y

B          U          T

The most needed   C L E A N    S L A T E    D A Y

IS  TODAY

or whenever the  REGRET   weighs the heaviest.

.    .   .or turns the  r e a r v i e w   m i r r o r   into a   w i n d s h i e l d

Psssssssst of the Day:

THE  PROBLEM  ISN’T  THAT  WE  DON’T  HAVE  AN  ERASER.     .     .

IT’S  THAT  WE  DON’T  USE  IT !

Every day is a  CLEAN SLATE

.      .      .DO  THE  THINGS  YOU  REGRET

N      O      T          d o i n g

o                    f                   t                    e                    n

It may be tough living with your regrets. . .

but not as rough as  n o t  having the opportunity to make a few more in your life

or harder still.     .     .

 g e t t i n g    c l e a n   s l a t e d

all over again

because our only  p e r f e c t i o n s

are our  i m p e r f e c t i o n s .   .   .   .

Professional Speaker, Author, Assurance Man