Sometimes the saddest notes are the ones that are never played, but always waiting. . .
preciously waiting to be heard
even if it’s for the first time
and all the memories
that it brings along with it. . .
Sometimes the greatest notes that are ever played
are never played alone. . .
SHE MAKES THINGS GROW
SHE MAKES THINGS GROW
All ground is fertile
and she proved it
by taking what had no life
L I V E
She makes my soul her soil
when she digs deeply
and prunes, sharply
The ache is more of a yearning
Ahhhhhhhh
than a moaning Owwwwwwl
She makes things grow
out of nothingness
an Everythingness
hardly without notice
but never unnotable
This is a poem I wrote a little over a year ago. Its title is the one for my sixth chapbook that I wrote as a result of the SPRING poetry challenge that demanded 15 poems in 10 days that couldn’t exceed 15 lines. It had a different theme of the day where one or two poems could be written on that given theme. The theme for this poem on this particular day was
E M E R G E N C E
S E E D S
even in the most soiled of hands
have no chance of growing
no matter how warm the wish
or fervent the prayer
b u t
BRING WHAT YOU HAVE
(who you are)
TO WHAT YOU’LL SERVE
(who you love)
AND WHA-LA
You have a magical garden
S U R P R I S E
There’s no secret to a HAPPY MARRIAGE
I can’t give you the 12 STEPS TO SUCCESSFUL RELATIONSHIPS
But showing up each day
with the goal to be a
BETTER ME
for a
BETTER HER
has never failed me
and it has failed me horrifically
WHEN I HAVEN’T BEEN A BETTER ME
or at least not given it a better than
half of a chance. . .
OUR BEST TIMES
HAVE BEEN SOME OF
OUR ROUGHEST TIMES
(an ohhhh, there have been some severely rough times)
because soaked, shaken and jostled about
we’ve always ended up stronger, more invincible and
C L O S E R
SHE MAKES THINGS GROW
especially when I’ve given her
some-not-always-wanted-manure
and yet
that served as some of the richest fertilizer
to some of the
greatest growth
that could never really been imagined
. . .only experienced
38 Years ago,
on June 9, 1986
the day after we got married
we were laying by the hotel pool we had all to ourselves
talking about the future;
we both assumed we’d never see 50 years together
because of our ages
and then
like now
have never been bothered much by how much time we’ve got
because of the time
WE HAVE
(and so the message that I usually include in each wedding ceremony
I conduct, is the message we’ve always taken to heart)
. . .Marriage is
HARD WORK
but it’s the best job
you’ll ever had. . .
I may have seemingly had The World to give
but Erin’s always had the grace to
bring me Home
We’ve been able to show each other
what we could have never seen alone. . .
SHE MAKES THINGS GROW
Pssssssssssssssssssssst:
Take it from a Drain
who’s been transformed into a
f o u n t a i n. . .
A DAY PAST FOREVER
When Erin and I got married 37 years ago tomorrow, we knew that it might be a very long shot if we would ever be old enough to make 50 years, but we also talked about it not making a difference as long as we could make our days and years count more than counting the days and the years.
37 years ago we were not the people, the couple, we are now or maybe the ones we might become in the next 13 years, but we knew way ahead of the research and the evidence-based data that what we have more than makes our days so much more than any daze. . .
Moments of Love and Connection May Help You Live Longer
A new study finds that couples who show more warmth, concern, and affection for each other live longer, healthier lives.
Hold back on the bickering. Couples who share sweet moments filled with humor and affection, and sync up biologically—two hearts beating as one—enjoy better health prospects and live longer than their more quarrelsome counterparts, suggests new UC Berkeley research.
The findings, recently published online in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, are based on laboratory observations of 154 middle-aged and older married couples as each engaged in an intimate conversation about a conflict in their relationship.
“We focused on those fleeting moments when you light up together and experience sudden joy, closeness, and intimacy,” said study author Robert Levenson, a UC Berkeley professor of psychology.
“What we found is that having these brief shared moments, known as ‘positivity resonance,’ is a powerful predictor of how healthy we’re going to be in the future and how long we’ll live,” he added.
Positivity resonance occurs when two people momentarily experience a mutual biological and behavioral surge of warmth, humor, and affection and achieve a sense of oneness. Fear, anxiety, and self-doubt can block this sense of connectedness.
“Couples in the study varied greatly in these measures of positivity resonance, with some couples showing dozens of moments of emotional and physiological synchrony and others showing few or none,” Levenson said.
Science of long-lasting love
These micro-moments are a key ingredient in healthy, long-lasting relationships, according to study senior author Barbara Fredrickson, a psychology professor at the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill, and leading scholar of the science of love.
Researchers in Levenson’s Berkeley Psychophysiology Laboratory worked with Fredrickson to test the effect of positivity resonance on long-term health and longevity. They used data from Levenson’s longitudinal study that tracked the marriages of a representative sample of middle-aged and older heterosexual couples in the San Francisco Bay Area from 1989 to 2009.
Every five years, the couples came to Levenson’s Berkeley laboratory to be observed as they discussed recent events in their relationships, as well as areas of enjoyment and disagreement. They also completed questionnaires about marital satisfaction, health problems, and other issues. Just over half of the study’s original spouses are now in their 70s, 80s, and 90s. Others have died.
For this latest study, researchers meticulously coded hundreds of videotaped conversations to track the extent to which the couples exhibited positivity resonance.
“We took a fine-grained, comprehensive approach to measuring positivity resonance in couples by capturing their shared positive emotions, mutual expressions of care, and biological synchrony,” said study lead author Jenna Wells, a UC Berkeley Ph.D. candidate in clinical science.
How they conducted the study
Two different statistical models were used to predict long-term health and longevity, one that included the full range of biological and behavioral measures of positivity resonance that couples showed, and another that analyzed only their positivity resonance behaviors.
Among other factors and influences, the study controlled for health-related behaviors such as smoking, alcohol consumption, exercise, and caffeine consumption.
First, trained behavioral coders objectively rated the couples’ 15-minute conflict conversations, identifying individual and shared positive and negative emotions based on what the spouses were saying and their facial expressions, tone of voice, and body language.
Next, they identified moments of positive synchrony between the spouses based on the couples’ own recollections of how they were feeling as they watched videotapes of their conversations.
The 15-minute video recordings were then analyzed for signs of nonverbal synchrony and unconscious “mirroring,” which are gestures that signal love, caring, and connectedness, such as smiles, head nods, and leaning forward.
The researchers also identified moments in which both partners’ heart rates simultaneously slowed down or sped up when they were expressing positive emotions.
For the second part of the study, they moved to a faster coding system to rate displays of synchrony vis-a-vis mutual warmth, concern, and affection in 30-second video segments. Both statistical models indicated that higher rates of positivity resonance predicted better future health outcomes and longer lives.
“Regardless of whether we used the full range of biological and behavioral measures of positivity resonance or the single holistic measure, we found that spouses in relationships that were high on positivity resonance had milder declines in their health over the next 13 years and were more likely to still be alive after 30 years,” Levenson said.
As for how couples can apply these findings to build relationships that are filled with positivity resonance, psychologist Art Aron’s 36 questions or Barbara Fredrickson’s Love 2.0 might be good places to start, Levenson said.
We know about how it takes a village to not just raise a child, but also to support and enrich each of us. We all have the capacity to be better Caring Catalysts and without a doubt, the world desperately needs that from each of us. There is no Caring Catalyst in me without Erin. She is not my better half. Erin is my 90% because everything I am and do, she makes better and more, an excellent motivation to be better. . .
I severely love how our Each makes our Other
Our Better makes up for any Worse
Our Richer banishes Poornessess
Our Sicknesses can’t compete with our well-beingnesses
because our love and cherishings
only has one goal:
To last one moment past a For Everness. . .
(or any calendar every created)
THE STORY OF MY LIFE
So here’s the deal, this is the week of Erin’s and my anniversary.
37 Years
on Thursday
(and counting)
All three of my Blog posts this week will center around
ANNIVERSARIES
RELATIONSHIPS
OTHERNESS
that can never be achieved as a Solo Flier. . .
And though you may feel like getting an extra order of hotcakes
(with all of the syrup flowing)
just grab another cup of coffee
or a cold glass of iced-tea
and spend some intentional moments
with ONE
who makes moments Momentous. . .
AND FOR THE RECORD:
THERE’S NEVER ENOUGH SYRUP. . .
KEEP IT FLOWING
The Luckiest
My parents would have celebrated
their 69th Wedding anniversary
TODAY
June 7, 2021
I believe they still do
because that
“till death do us part”
never really separates. . .
Tomorrow
June 8, 2021
Erin and I are celebrating our
35th Wedding Anniversary.
On June 8, 1986
the odds makers gave us a 35% chance of surviving our second marriage
which blended two families together
and it even went down a few percentage points when we had
o u r
two children within the first four years of our marriage.
T O D A Y:
the odds makers are ruling in our favor.
T H E Y
say
77% of couples married since 1990 reached their 10-year anniversaries according to recent census figures. It’s a supposed slight increase from 74% in the 80’s when divorces were at an all-time high.
N O W
Fifty-Five percent of all married couples have been married for at least 15 years, according to the Census report, while 35 percent have celebrated their 25th anniversaries and a special
S I X P E R C E N T
have made it to 50 years.
The Social Scientists are giving us all kinds of reasons why couples have not only leveled off the divorce train but actually turned it around:
Better Communication
More Equal Rights and Pay
Being Friends First
Compatibility
Financial Stability
Bradford Wilcox, the Director of the National Marriage Project at the University of Virginia tells us,
“Marriage is actually becoming more stable in America and divorce is becoming less common.”
He goes on to say,
“There is sort of more of a soul mate model of marriage today. . .50 years ago, this was one of the things you did when you became a young adult. You found a boyfriend or girlfriend and if you were pretty happy you’d go ahead and get married. . .Today the bar for marriage is much higher because people want a soul mate, not just a spouse. And a soul mate should be someone who is capable of providing you with emotional fulfillment, an intense relationship.”
What do I know after 35 years?
I know
that I can give the World, but Erin can bring me home.
I know
that we can show each other what we can never see by ourselves
I know
that she’s a beautiful blue ocean and I’m an extensive sandy shore
I know
that her Better
conquers my Worse
I know
that her Richness
obliterates my Poverty
I know
her Health
cures my Illnesses
I know
her Love is my never ending Christmas Day
I most ultimately know
I’m not
the strongest,
the bravest,
the smartest,
the brightest,
the thinnest,
the fastest,
the surest,
the most handsome
but no one can ever convince me
that I’m not the
l u c k i e s t
The one thing after all of these years
I absolutely-for-the-life-of-me-cannot-figure-out:
Why she said
Y E S
but I’m in heaven now and forevermore
because she
did. . .
Great relationships aren’t the ones that last a lifetime,
they’re ones that last a second past eternity.
I don’t know what the percentages of
T H A T
a r e. . .
but when you have it. . .
you no longer care;
It’s a Math
you can’t figure out
but adds up
a n y w a y
(and we just can’t stop smiling)
25 Years and SO MUCH MORE
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25 of anything is a good amount
but 25 years
well, now,
that’s even more of a profound number
and account. . .
A QUARTER OF A CENTURY
25 Years and more. . .
So very, very much more
I began serving North Royalton Christian Church on January 15, 1995, knowing that I NEEDED to have a part-time position to supplement my income having jumped from a full-time Senior Minister position at Westlake Christian Church and a part-time chaplain’s position at St. John Westshore Hospital to a Spiritual Care Coordinator’s position at Hospice of the Western Reserve. It was a JUMP then and now I don’t regret even though it was a major change for me and the family. I NEEDED to have this position more than I WANTED to have the position and when Susan Cash, an Elder and also one of the primary people on the Search Committee, stood up this past Sunday in Church and marked the occasion with some fabulous and humbling remarks, (which can be seen at the bottom of this post in full taken from the February Church Newsletter) It only summoned the memory to recall things that the weight of, buckles knees and humbles the heart.
I thought 25 years ago, I NEEDED North Royalton Christian Church for the supplemental income when there have been few moments in those 25 years that have failed to remind me that I NEEDED North Royalton Christian Church for so very much more, and oh, oh how they have delivered in more ways that we will all fail to fully comprehend. My best moments (and hopefully, theirs) is when we have lived in full, vivid living color that I am not THE minister of North Royalton Christian Church, but actually and fully, A MINISTER of the church and our greatest achievements and even failings, have been when we’ve seen each other that way. WE, US, not I or me, do the ministry of the church. In essence, they made me A Caring Catalyst before I knew the true definition on one.
Maybe it’s ironic, but as we are celebrating 25 years of ministry together, I am also looming on celebrating 40 years of being ordained this May. In such a profound and powerful way I fully KNOW that I’m not just a sum total of all the pieces/parts/experiences that make me up, but literally, all of the lives who have made my life, MY LIFE.
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What excites and motivates me now is that there are still lives, pieces, parts, and experiences that continue to be added, to further, and not just expand or make my tapestry, but actually BE MY TAPESTRY. A single thread a tapestry does not make. I’m so richly consecrated to have that proven moment by moment and better still, person by person.
Much in the same vein of Robert Frost’s poem, STOPPING BY THE WOODS ON A SNOWY EVENING, I so much embody the last verse:
THE WOODS ARE LOVELY, DARK AND DEEP,
BUT I HAVE PROMISES TO KEEP,
AND MILES TO GO BEFORE I SLEEP,
AND MILES TO GO BEFORE I SLEEP.
In a way that echoes those very sentiments, Susan ended her much appreciated remarks with a quote by an author I’ve never really read, Ursula Le Guin. It comes from her novel, ALWAYS COMING HOME:
“When I take you to the Valley, you’ll see the blue hills on the left and the blue hills on the right, the rainbow and the vineyards under the rainbow late in the rainy season, and maybe you’ll say, ‘There it is, that’s it!’ But I’ll say, ‘A little further.’ We’ll go on, I hope and you’ll see the roofs of the little towns and the hillsides yellow with wild oats, a buzzard soaring and a woman singing by the shadows of a creek in the dry season, and maybe you’ll say, ‘Let’s stop here, this is it!’ But I’ll say, ‘A little further yet.’ And we’ll go on, a you’ll hear a quail calling on the mountain by the springs of the river, and looking back you’ll see the river running downward through the wild hills behind, below, and you’ll say, ‘Isn’t that the Valley?’ And all I will be able to say is, ‘Drink this water of the spring, rest here awhile, we have a long way yet to go without you.’”
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I know that my best steps are the ones I’ve never taken alone
but in sync with others
and that the ones to be taken
could be the best ones
still yet to come
with the promise
that those taken long after my last step
could be the very best yet
even more
because of any step I’ve walked along with others
. . .those are the steps
that keep marching forward
. . .ALL-WAYS forward
advancing
inspiring other steps
to be taken
experienced
s h a r e d
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25 Years
and More
so very, very much
M O R E
that shows you the difference between
N O T I C I N G
and
K N O W I N G
I have been so magnificently blessed
in experiencing both
and the best part–
I still do
I still am
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WE ARE HUMBLY APPRECIATIVE
Thank you
January 26, 2020
In Honor of Chuck and Erin’s 25th Anniversary
In January 1995, we didn’t have GPS. There was no Febreze or Swiffer. Selfies & texting didn’t exist because there were no smart phones. Invisible braces were far off in the future. There was no Wikipedia, Google or Facebook and online banking and shopping at Amazon were not yet available.
If you were attending NRCC in early January of 1995, you know we didn’t have a minister either until later in the month. That’s when Chuck joined us.
Over the years, Chuck has presented about 1200 sermons to us. He doesn’t preach, he tells parables—I remember one of his first Sundays here he told us about a character in his hometown who the towns’ people called Ugly. It was a very touching and dramatic story. Chuck has delivered a sermon from the top of a ladder; he’s come dressed as a bum; was an Elvis impersonator; has been Paul, Peter, and Judas; and he often sings his sermons. Once his niece sat in our congregation as a homeless person.
I don’t think he has ever repeated a sermon let alone repeated a theme.
And standing alongside Chuck is Erin—we got a twofer—two special gifts to this congregation. We thank God for sending you both to us. You’ll never know how much we appreciate your devotion, your dedication, your love, your spirit, your teachings, and your wisdom.
I was watching a program about the writer Ursula Le Guin recently and the program ended with her reading from her novel Always Coming Home. I think her words speak to Chuck and Erin’s ministry here:
“When I take you to the Valley, you’ll see the blue hills on the left and the blue hills on the right, the rainbow and the vineyards under the rainbow late in the rainy season, and maybe you’ll say, “There it is, that’s it!” But I’ll say. “A little farther.” We’ll go on, I hope, and you’ll see the roofs of the little towns and the hillsides yellow with wild oats, a buzzard soaring and a woman singing by the shadows of a creek in the dry season, and maybe you’ll say, “Let’s stop here, this is it!” But I’ll say, “A little farther yet.” We’ll go on, and you’ll hear the quail calling on the mountain by the springs of the river, and looking back you’ll see the river running downward through the wild hills behind, and you’ll say, “Isn’t that the Valley?” And all I will be able to say is “Drink this water of the spring, rest here awhile, we have a long way yet to go and I can’t go without you.”
Thank you Chuck and Erin
Written by Susan Cash
GIFTING
https://youtu.be/TmQ74XO_Fx0
It always has to be the perfect time, doesn’t it?
A day. . .
A season. . .
An occasion. . .
A situation. . .
A holiday. . .
A Birthday. . .
An Anniversary. . .
o r . . .
for no reason
Maybe the World doesn’t desperately need a gift for no reason. . .
but
I bet a person does
B E
the
G I F T
that doesn’t so much need given
but
r e c e i v e d
B E
the
G I F T
that’s needed for the moment
for the
n o w o f i t !
B E T H E P R E S E N T