D A R E
we believe that there’s more that connects us
than we are aware. . .
D A R E
BELIEVE IT
and D A R E
more to
Live Like It. . .
Because in the end. . .
THERE IS ONLY US
LOVE LANGUAGES
It’s really east to spell:
L O V E
but do you really speak its
L A N G U A G E (S). . .
Is There Science Behind the Five Love Languages?
Despite how popular love languages are, there is little research to support the framework. . .
Gery Karantzas, Ph.D., is currently a professor and director of the Science of Adult Relationships (SoAR) Laboratory in the School of Psychology at Deakin University. He is also a couples therapist and was the former national convener of the Australian Psychological Society Psychology of Relationships Interest Group. He just recently pulled back the curtain, once again, on the Language(s) of Love
Love languages—the concept coined by Baptist pastor Gary Chapman some 30 years ago—has taken the relationships world by storm. It’s often the “go-to” topic on first dates, and, for those in relationships, love languages are said to provide deep, meaningful, and reliable insights into how relationships function. Putting love languages into action is believed to increase relationship happiness.
The concept clearly has appeal. At last count, 20 million copies have been sold worldwide of Chapman’s 1992 book The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts. The book has been translated into 49 languages.
There is only one catch. There is little evidence to support the idea that love languages are “a thing,” or that love languages do much of anything to help improve relationships.
There is only one catch. There is little evidence to support the idea that love languages are “a thing,” or that love languages do much of anything to help improve relationships.
What are the love languages?
According to Chapman, there are five love languages. Each of these love languages is a way to communicate your love to your romantic partner.
In his role as a Baptist pastor, Chapman had been counselling couples for years. It was through his observations of couples that the idea of love languages was born.
He believed love languages were an intuitive and simple way to teach couples about how to tune into each other’s ways of expressing love. And so, he began running seminars for husbands and wives, and the popularity of his seminars grew.
The five love languages are:
- acts of service (doing something that helps a partner, such as running an errand)
- physical touch (demonstrating physical affection, such as giving your partner a hug or kiss)
- quality time (spending time together and giving each other undivided attention)
- gifts (giving your partner a present that communicates thoughtfulness, effort, or expense)
- words of affirmation (such as expressing your admiration, or complimenting your partner).
Chapman suggests that people typically use all love languages, but that most people tend to rely on one love language most of the time. This is referred to as a person’s primary love language.
According to Chapman, people are more satisfied in their relationships when both partners match when it comes to their primary love language. However, people experience less satisfaction in their relationships when both partners do not share the same primary love language.
Another important aspect of the love languages concept is that relationships are likely to deliver the greatest satisfaction when a person can understand their partner’s love language, and act in ways that “speak to” their partner’s language. In essence, this idea is about tuning in to what a partner wants.
This is an idea that has existed across many models and theories about how relationships function well. That is, responding to a partner in a way that meets their needs and wants makes a person feel understood, validated, and cared for.
What does the evidence tell us?
Despite the popularity of the theory of love languages, only a handful of studies have been conducted and reported over the past 30 years. Research is largely inconclusive, although the balance sways more toward refuting rather than endorsing the love languages concept.
Let’s start with how love languages are assessed. In popular culture, the Love Language QuizTM is an online questionnaire that people can complete to find out about their love languages. Despite millions of individuals having taken the quiz (according to 5lovelanguages.com), there are no published findings as to the reliability and validity of the measure.
Researchers have developed their own version of the love languages survey, but the findings did not meet the statistical thresholds to suggest the survey adequately captured the five love languages. Also, their findings did not support the idea that there are five love languages.
Furthermore, a qualitative study, in which researchers coded the written responses of undergraduate students to questions about how they express love, suggested there may be six love languages. However, the researchers reported difficulty agreeing on how some of the students’ responses neatly fitted into Chapman’s love languages, particularly in the categories of “words of affirmation” and “quality time.”
Next, let’s turn to research testing a core premise of the love language theory: that couples with matching love languages experience greater satisfaction than those who do not. Evidence for this premise is very mixed.
Three studies, including one that used Chapman’s Love Language Quiz, have found that couples with matching love languages were no more satisfied than couples who were mismatched.
However, a more recent study found that partners with matching love languages experienced greater relationship and sexual satisfaction than partners with mismatched love languages. This research also found that men who reported greater empathy and perspective taking had a love language that better matched the language of their partner.
Finally, what does the research say about whether having a better understanding of your partner’s love language is linked to higher relationship satisfaction? Only two studies have investigated this question. Both found that knowing your partner’s primary love language did predict relationship satisfaction in the present or into the future.
So, as you can see, not only is there very little research investigating love languages, but the research to date doesn’t strengthen belief in the powerful properties of love languages.
COULD IT BE
THAT THE GREATEST WAY TO SAY,
“I LOVE YOU”
is still the way you
SHOW IT
and not the way you
s p e a k
i t. . . ?
ONLY TIME WILL TELL (TISSUES MAY BE REQUIRED)
Only Time Will Tell By JJ Heller, David Heller and Andy Gullahorn
There’s not enough paper in this world There’s not enough ink to write it down No melody is sweet enough No metaphor is deep enough To describe the treasure I have found
I keep trying to tell you how I feel But I always come up short How beautiful you are to me But there aren’t enough words I keep trying to write a love song But it’s hard to say it well Love is a story that only time will tell
It’s one thing to say “for better or worse” And another when you find out what that means So much happens over time Some dreams come true and some will die How do you describe that kind of thing
I keep trying to tell you how I feel But I always come up short How beautiful you are to me But there aren’t enough words I keep trying to write a love song But it’s hard to say it well Love is a story that only time will tell
I’ve searched libraries And dictionaries Studied poets Still all I know is
I keep trying to tell you how I feel But I always come up short How beautiful you are to me But there aren’t enough words I keep trying to write a love song But it’s hard to say it well Love is a story that only time will tell Love is a story that only time will tell
PRETTY POWERFUL, STUFFS, huh, but not quite as powerful as the LOVE that’s shown here. J J Heller, is an artist I’ve loved for a long time because the music that she and her husband, Dave create often create something in us, or at least shines a light on what’s been created and now needs some special noticing.
J J goes on to share, even more personally:
This video gets me every single time.
When we’re young we make vows imagining an easy and wonderful future. We say “for better or worse” even though we don’t know what lies ahead. We promise to be faithful, supportive and true no matter what.
Making these promises is indeed an act of love, but living out this love in hospitals, worse-case diagnoses and late-night bouts with pain.. that’s a love on another level. A deeper, expanded love.
With that said, this beautiful video is dedicated to those fighting through intense physical challenges, and to those who love them fiercely and relentlessly.
A huge thank you to this brave couple who has allowed us to share part of their story with the world in hopes it will bring healing and encouragement.
And another giant thank you to Joy Prouty for capturing this sacred footage, both of their labor and delivery several years ago, and also of the recovery from a double mastectomy mere weeks ago.
And thanks to Dave Heller and Andy Gullahorn for writing this beautiful song with me.
Love is a story that only time will tell. 🧡
Just one Question:
WHAT
OF
YOUR
L O V E. . . ?
A VILLAGE
Yes. . .
A Village it does take
To Be
Joy to the weary
Music to the heart
Health to the sick
Wealth to the poor
Food to the hungry
Home to the wanderer
Jubilation to the jaded
A Village it does take
To Be
Joy to the weary
Music to the heart
Health to the sick
Wealth to the poor
Food to the hungry
Home to the wanderer
Jubilation to the jaded
A Piece of Peace
A Village it does take
and sometimes it does take
THAT VILLAGE
One in All to ALL
. . .If you a Village
will be
Join me
my Caring Catalyst
V I L L A G E R
and sometimes it does take
THAT VILLAGE
One in All to ALL
. . .If you a Village
will be
Join memy Caring Catalyst
V I L L A G E R
MASKERS
Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh it might be
March 1 but
HAPPY HALLOWEEN
WITH OR WITHOUT A MASK
we still might well be masquerading around
with who we think we are
but know we aren’t. . .
Isn’t that what the Pandemic did to us
just about three years ago
and even now we’re still
TO MASK
or not
TO MASK
asking around and wondering. . .
but now there may be a whole other
m e a n i n g
People Who Think They’re Attractive
Are Less Likely to Wear Masks,
Study Says
People wearing masks in Bordeaux, France on Aug. 15, 2020.
Mehdi Fedouach/AFP—Getty Images
Jamie Ducharme, from Time Magazine recently reported, there are plenty of factors that determine whether someone chooses to wear a mask at this stage of the pandemic: their health, their risk tolerance, where they are, who’s around them—and, according to a recent study, how attractive they think they are.The study, which was published in January in the journal Frontiers in Psychology, found that people who think they’re attractive tend to be disinclined to wear masks. That seems to be because people who think they’re good-looking don’t believe masks enhance their appearance, while the opposite may be true for people who don’t think they’re as attractive, the researchers concluded. (Several cultures even have slang terms for people who wear masks to look better or conceal their full faces, the authors note. In the U.S., it’s known as “mask fishing.”)
For the study, a team of researchers in South Korea recruited U.S. adults to take several surveys. In the first, 244 people answered questions about their self-perceived attractiveness and how they thought wearing a mask affected their appearance. Then, researchers told the participants to imagine they had a job interview and asked whether they would wear a mask in the interview if they didn’t have to.
“Individuals with higher self-perceived attractiveness were less likely to endorse the belief that mask-wearing enhances their perceived attractiveness, which further dampened their mask-wearing intention in job interviews,” the authors write. In other words, people who thought they were good-looking didn’t want to detract from their appearance by covering their face.
In another experiment, the researchers posed similar questions about masks and appearance to 442 people. They asked half the group to imagine they had a job interview (a relatively high-stakes situation) while the other half imagined they were walking a dog (a more mundane activity). Both groups were then asked if they would choose to wear a mask in their given scenario.
They found that people were more likely to say they’d wear a mask if they thought it would make them look better, and that trend was more apparent in the high-stakes job interview scenario. This finding, the authors write, suggests that people’s masking decisions are at least partially based on how much they care about looking good in a given situation.
The desire to appear attractive may even be as influential as the desire to stay healthy. In their surveys, the authors also asked people how much they feared COVID-19. People who thought masks made them look better were roughly as likely to cover up as those who were fearful of the virus.
With COVID-19 mask mandates largely a thing of the past in the U.S., it’s important for researchers and public-health authorities to know why people are—or are not—continuing to wear them. Preventing disease is, of course, a major motivator. But so, it appears, is looking good.
SURPRISED. . . ?
And maybe the biggest question
and you can answer honestly
because we are not holding or posting a poll here
(unless you want to reply this blog post)
IS HOW DO YOU ANSWER THE QUESTIONS THE SURVEYS ASKED. . .
S E E
HALLOWEEN
EVERY
DAY
(maybe with more tricks than treats)
NEIGHBOR
Neighbor By JJ Heller, David Heller, and Andy Gullahorn
Sometimes it’s easier to jump to conclusions Than walk across the street It’s like I’d rather fill the blanks with illusions Than take the time to see
You are trying to close the back door of your car You are balancing the groceries and a baby in your arms You are more than just a sign in your front yard You are my neighbor
I can get so lost in the mission Of defending what I think I’ve been surfing on a sea of opinions But just behind the screen
You are grateful that the work day’s finally done You are stuck in miles of traffic, looking at your phone You are tryin’ to feel a little less alone You are my neighbor
When the chasm between us feels so wide That it’s hard to imagine the other side But we don’t have to see things eye to eye For me to love you like you are my neighbor My neighbor
Oh, to fear the unfamiliar Is the easy way to go But I believe we are connected more than we might ever know
There’s a light that shines on both the rich and poor Looks beyond where we came from and who we voted for ‘Till I can’t see a stranger anymore I see my neighbor May my heart be an open door to my neighbor You are my neighbor
S O M E T I M E S
Music is more than MUSIC
and Words are more than
W O R D S
From the beginning of time the question has rung out,
sometimes louder than softer:
JUST WHO IS MY NEIGHBOR?
No matter what you say, You
SHOW THE ANSWER,
Person by Person,
Neighbor by Neighbor…
with this certainty:
It just isn’t the person next door or across the street…
SO JUST WHO IS
YOUR NEIGHBOR. . . ?
MORE THAN A SPECK
Bits of grit
the Wind
scatters us
where it will
as we travel
to destinations
not yet GPSable
but have waited
an Eternity
to welcome every
irritating speck
of us
Home
(however we define it)
(wherever we find it)
or it unearths
Us
OUR STRENGTH
OUR POWER
IS FOUND
BY RECOGNIZING
THAT AS MERE SPECKS
WE ARE NOT A PART OF A MOUNTAIN
BUT THE MOUNTAIN IS A PART OF
U S
YOUR SONG
It’s one thing to take a song
and make it your song;
It’s even better
if you make it ANOTHER’S. . .
yea. . .
Please make Your Song
ANOTHER’S song. . .
The Sharing will be the Caring. . .
Make your life,
your living
SING OUT LOUD
especially for all those
who have forgotten
they have their own Song
to SHARE, too. . .
CHANGEMAKING
C H A N G E M A K I N G
. . .isn’t always about launching and scaling new ventures and initiatives. Sometimes it’s about turning an everyday moment into a moment of positive change. These are opportunities that we can’t plan for, but that when they appear, give us a chance to step up, take action, and change someone’s life. Some call that microleadership. . .I merely call it CHANGEMAKING or better, LIFECHANGING and the best part about THAT is everyone of us is capable of making IT happen at any time with anyone. . .This video is a moving example of how we all can have impact, anywhere.
Watch this barber shave off his own hair in unity with a cancer patient shaving hers and see how these small acts can add up to huge impact and then go and DUPLICATE IT as often as you can, everywhere you can, with whoever you can. . .
Being a CHANGEMAKER is being A Caring Catalyst on steroids
K I C K
I T
U P
YOU-NIQUELY YOU
THE OLDER WE GET
THE CLOSER WE GET
well. . .
You can fill in the ________________________________
What some call
R E T I R E M E N T
others call: STARTING OVER
others call: THE NEXT CHAPTER
others call: THE GRAVY YEARS
others call: THE BEST PART
others call: RE-TIRED-MENT
others call: _______________
A couple of Sunday’s ago I switched from reading the New York Times Sunday Edition to watching “60 Minutes” One of it’s featured stories was about Hans Zimmer. It immediately got me to writing this Friday Blog post and even more about being devoted to never retiring and most of all always (ALL-WAYS) reinventing myself to continually being: MYSELF–AN (EVER EVOLVING) ORIGINAL
All of this prompted was prompted by this interview with German-born composer Hans Zimmer. You may not know his name as well as John Williams, but he has scored many blockbuster films like “Top Gun: Maverick,” “Dune,” and “Lion King.” He said from his earliest days learning the piano, “I did not want to play other people’s music.” He has certainly passed well beyond that: it’s hard to categorize his work (or even to completely discern all the instruments that make his unique compositions.) Towards the end of the interview he was asked about RETIREMENT and he in essence said that he couldn’t imagine it because he was energized and at his best and gets jazzed by creating/re-creating himself. (THAT ONE STRUMMED THE STRINGS ON MY HEART AND BLEW THE WOODWINDS OF MY SOUL) We all know it’s not terribly easy to BE ORIGINAL. There will always be pressures to conform, to not “rock the boat,” to “get back in line.” We also know that great strides personally and professionally are rarely made by settling for cutting with the grain. This week’s challenge (and I’m right there with you) — what can you initiate this week, TODAY, that will set new standards, travel down new paths, and establish once and for all that you are an original?
ITS NOT ENOUGH TO OWN YOUR OWN FINGERPRINT. . .
You have to make sure
that you make indelible
I M P R I N T S
And lasting impressions
YOU-NIQUELY
your own to have and share
now and
for-an-evermore. . .
BE THE SYMPHONY
you are ever composing
and never forget to
CONDUCT IT
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