The Caring Catalyst

Who Cares - What Matters

T S U N D O K U

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THERE IS THE LITERAL VISUAL DEFINITION OF
T S U N D O K U:
A
S T A C K
O  F
B     O     O     K     S

The value of owning more books than you can read

  • Many readers buy books with every intention of reading them only to let them linger on the shelf.
  • Statistician Nassim Nicholas Taleb believes surrounding ourselves with unread books enriches our lives as they remind us of all we don’t know.
  • The Japanese call this practice tsundoku, and it may provide lasting benefits.

Kevin Dickson recently wrote an article for BIG THINK that caught the attention of my friend, a fellow Book Lover like myself that immediately took the weight of a severe guilt I carry and am reminded of even as I type and watch the AMAZON person drop me off another book selection I just recently read about.

Kevin confesses: I love books. If I go to the bookstore to check a price, I walk out with three books I probably didn’t know existed beforehand. I buy second-hand books by the bagful at the Friends of the Library sale, while explaining to my wife that it’s for a good cause. Even the smell of books grips me, that faint aroma of earthy vanilla that wafts up at you when you flip a page.  Hmmmmmmmmmm.   .    .     .

The problem is that my book-buying habit outpaces my ability to read them. This leads to FOMO and occasional pangs of guilt over the unread volumes spilling across my shelves. Sound familiar?

But it’s possible this guilt is entirely misplaced. According to statistician Nassim Nicholas Taleb, these unread volumes represent what he calls an “antilibrary,” and he believes our antilibraries aren’t signs of intellectual failings. Quite the opposite.

LIVING WITH AN ANTILIBRARY

Taleb laid out the concept of the antilibrary in his best-selling bookThe Black Swan: The Impact of the Highly Improbable. He starts with a discussion of the prolific author and scholar Umberto Eco, whose personal library housed a staggering 30,000 books.

When Eco hosted visitors, many would marvel at the size of his library and assumed it represented the host’s knowledge — which, make no mistake, was expansive. But a few savvy visitors realized the truth: Eco’s library wasn’t voluminous because he had read so much; it was voluminous because he desired to read so much more.

Eco stated as much. Doing a back-of-the-envelope calculation, he found he could only read about 25,200 books if he read one book a day, every day, between the ages of ten and eighty. A “trifle,” he laments, compared to the million books available at any good library.

Drawing from Eco’s example, Taleb deduces:

Read books are far less valuable than unread ones. [Your] library should contain as much of what you do not know as your financial means, mortgage rates, and the currently tight real-estate market allows you to put there. You will accumulate more knowledge and more books as you grow older, and the growing number of unread books on the shelves will look at you menacingly. Indeed, the more you know, the larger the rows of unread books. Let us call this collection of unread books an antilibrary.

Maria Popova, whose post at Brain Pickings summarizes Taleb’s argument beautifully, notes that our tendency is to overestimate the value of what we know, while underestimating the value of what we don’t know. Taleb’s antilibrary flips this tendency on its head.

The antilibrary’s value stems from how it challenges our self-estimation by providing a constant, niggling reminder of all we don’t know. The titles lining my own home remind me that I know little to nothing about cryptography, the evolution of feathers, Italian folklore, illicit drug use in the Third Reich, and whatever entomophagy is. (Don’t spoil it; I want to be surprised.)

“We tend to treat our knowledge as personal property to be protected and defended,” Taleb writes. “It is an ornament that allows us to rise in the pecking order. So this tendency to offend Eco’s library sensibility by focusing on the known is a human bias that extends to our mental operations.”

These selves of unexplored ideas propel us to continue reading, continue learning, and never be comfortable that we know enough. Jessica Stillman calls this realization intellectual humility.

People who lack this intellectual humility — those without a yearning to acquire new books or visit their local library — may enjoy a sense of pride at having conquered their personal collection, but such a library provides all the use of a wall-mounted trophy. It becomes an “ego-booting appendage” for decoration alone. Not a living, growing resource we can learn from until we are 80 — and, if we are lucky, a few years beyond.

T     S     U     N     D     O     K     U

I love Taleb’s concept, but I must admit I find the label “antilibrary” a bit lacking. For me, it sounds like a plot device in a knockoff Dan Brown novel — “Quick! We have to stop the Illuminati before they use the antilibrary to erase all the books in existence.”

Writing for the New York Times, Kevin Mims also doesn’t care for Taleb’s label. Thankfully, his objection is a bit more practical: “I don’t really like Taleb’s term ‘antilibrary.’ A library is a collection of books, many of which remain unread for long periods of time. I don’t see how that differs from an antilibrary.”

His preferred label is a loanword from Japan: tsundoku. Tsundoku is the Japanese word for the stack(s) of books you’ve purchased but haven’t read. Its morphology combines tsunde-oku (letting things pile up) and dukosho (reading books).

The word originated in the late 19th century as a satirical jab at teachers who owned books but didn’t read them. While that is opposite of Taleb’s point, today the word carries no stigma in Japanese culture. It’s also differs from bibliomania, which is the obsessive collecting of books for the sake of the collection, not their eventual reading.

THE VALUE OF TSUNDOKU

Granted, I’m sure there is some braggadocious bibliomaniac out there who owns a collection comparable to a small national library, yet rarely cracks a cover. Even so, studies have shown that book ownership and reading typically go hand in hand to great effect.

One such study found that children who grew up in homes with between 80 and 350 books showed improved literacy, numeracy, and information communication technology skills as adults. Exposure to books, the researchers suggested, boosts these cognitive abilities by making reading a part of life’s routines and practices.

Many other studies have shown reading habits relay a bevy of benefits. They suggest reading can reduce stress, satisfy social connection needs, bolster social skills and empathy, and boost certain cognitive skills. And that’s just fiction! Reading nonfiction is correlated with success and high achievement, helps us better understand ourselves and the world, and gives you the edge come trivia night.

In her article, Jessica Stillman ponders whether the antilibrary acts as a counter to the Dunning-Kruger effect, a cognitive bias that leads ignorant people to assume their knowledge or abilities are more proficient than they truly are. Since people are not prone to enjoying reminders of their ignorance, their unread books push them toward, if not mastery, then at least a ever-expanding understanding of competence.

“All those books you haven’t read are indeed a sign of your ignorance. But if you know how ignorant you are, you’re way ahead of the vast majority of other people,” Stillman writes.

Whether you prefer the term antilibrary, tsundoku, or something else entirely, the value of an unread book is its power to get you to read it.

Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
Now if you’ll excuse me.           .           .
THERE’S 
THIS
B     O     O     K.     .     .

Eco stated as much. Doing a back-of-the-envelope calculation, he found he could only read about 25,200 books if he read one book a day, every day, between the ages of ten and eighty. A “trifle,” he laments, compared to the million books available at any good library.

Drawing from Eco’s example, Taleb deduces:

Read books are far less valuable than unread ones. [Your] library should contain as much of what you do not know as your financial means, mortgage rates, and the currently tight real-estate market allows you to put there. You will accumulate more knowledge and more books as you grow older, and the growing number of unread books on the shelves will look at you menacingly. Indeed, the more you know, the larger the rows of unread books. Let us call this collection of unread books an antilibrary. [Emphasis original]

 

 

BEING A CARING CATALYST ON FORGIVENESS

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Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
JUST WHAT CHAINS
are you flying free.          .          .          ?|
COULD IT BE THE THE PRISON
OF UNFORGIVENNESS.     .     .     .

BE HONET.     .    .
When another person hurts us, it can upend our lives.

This essay has been adapted from <a data-cke-saved-href=“http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B00OD8Z0K0/ref=as_li_tl?ie=UTF8&camp=1789&creative=390957&creativeASIN=B00OD8Z0K0&linkCode=as2&tag=gregooscicen-20&linkId=UMPHE5GNLL2P3XCK” href=“http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B00OD8Z0K0/ref=as_li_tl?ie=UTF8&camp=1789&creative=390957&creativeASIN=B00OD8Z0K0&linkCode=as2&tag=gregooscicen-20&linkId=UMPHE5GNLL2P3XCK”>8 Keys to Forgiveness</a> (W. W. Norton & Company, 2015)I recently re-read this essay that has been adapted from 8 Keys to Forgiveness (W. W. Norton & Company, 2015) and thought it absolutely was “SHAREABLE”

Sometimes the hurt is very deep, such as when a spouse or a parent betrays our trust, or when we are victims of crime, or when we’ve been harshly bullied. Anyone who has suffered a grievous hurt knows that when our inner world is badly disrupted, it’s difficult to concentrate on anything other than our turmoil or pain. When we hold on to hurt, we are emotionally and cognitively hobbled, and our relationships suffer.

Forgiveness is strong medicine for this. When life hits us hard, there isnothing as effective as forgiveness for healing deep wounds. Robert Enright says, “I would not have spent the last 30 years of my life studying forgiveness if I were not convinced of this.”

Many people have misconceptions about what forgiveness really means—and they may eschew it. Others may want to forgive, but wonder whether or not they truly can. Forgiveness does not necessarily come easily; but it is possible for many of us to achieve, if we have the right tools and are willing to put in the effort.

Below is an outline of the basic steps involved in following a path of forgiveness, adapted from his book, 8 Keys to Forgiveness. As you read through these steps, think about how you might adapt them to your own life.

1. Know what forgiveness is and why it matters

Forgiveness is about goodness, about extending mercy to those who’ve harmed us, even if they don’t “deserve” it. It is not about finding excuses for the offending person’s behavior or pretending it didn’t happen. Nor is there a quick formula you can follow. Forgiveness is a process with many steps that often proceeds in a non-linear fashion.

But it’s well worth the effort. Working on forgiveness can help us increase our self-esteem and give us a sense of inner strength and safety. It can reverse the lies that we often tell ourselves when someone has hurt us deeply—lies like, I am defeated or I’m not worthy. Forgiveness can heal us and allow us to move on in life with meaning and purpose. Forgiveness matters, and we will be its primary beneficiary.

Studies have shown that forgiving others produces strong psychological benefits for the one who forgives. It has been shown to decrease depression, anxiety, unhealthy anger, and the symptoms of PTSD. But we don’t just forgive to help ourselves. Forgiveness can lead to psychological healing, yes; but, in its essence, it is not something about you or done for you. It is something you extend toward another person, because you recognize, over time, that it is the best response to the situation.

2. Become “forgivingly fit”

More on Forgiveness

Read and watch Fred Luskin explain “What is Forgiveness?”

 

Read three evolutionary truths about forgiveness and revenge.

 

Discover how to overcome barriers to forgiveness.

 

How forgiving are you? Take our quiz!

 

Try this forgiveness practice, based on Enright’s work.

To practice forgiveness, it helps if you have worked on positively changing your inner world by learning to be what I call “forgivingly fit.” Just as you would start slowly with a new physical exercise routine, it helps if you build up your forgiving heart muscles slowly, incorporating regular “workouts” into your everyday life.

You can start becoming more fit by making a commitment to do no harm—in other words, making a conscious effort not to talk disparagingly about those who’ve hurt you. You don’t have to say good things; but, if you refrain from talking negatively, it will feed the more forgiving side of your mind and heart.

You can also make a practice of recognizing that every person is unique, special, and irreplaceable. You may come to this through religious beliefs or a humanist philosophy or even through your belief in evolution. It’s important to cultivate this mindset of valuing our common humanity, so that it becomes harder to discount someone who has harmed you as unworthy.

You can show love in small ways in everyday encounters—like smiling at a harried grocery cashier or taking time to listen to a child. Giving love when it’s unnecessary helps to build the love muscle, making it easier to show compassion toward everyone. If you practice small acts of forgiveness and mercy—extending care when someone harms you—in everyday life, this too will help. Perhaps you can refrain from honking when someone cuts you off in traffic, or hold your tongue when your spouse snaps at you and extend a hug instead.

Sometimes pride and power can weaken your efforts to forgive by making you feel entitled and inflated, so that you hang onto your resentment as a noble cause. Try to catch yourself when you are acting from that place, and choose forgiveness or mercy, instead. If you need inspiration, it can help to seek out stories of mercy in the world by going to the International Forgiveness Institute website: www.internationalforgiveness.com.

3. Address your inner pain

It’s important to figure out who has hurt you and how. This may seem obvious; but not every action that causes you suffering is unjust. For example, you don’t need to forgive your child or your spouse for being imperfect, even if their imperfections are inconvenient for you.

To become clearer, you can look carefully at the people in your life—your parents, siblings, peers, spouse, coworkers, children, and even yourself—and rate how much they have hurt you. Perhaps they have exercised power over you or withheld love; or maybe they have physically harmed you. These hurts have contributed to your inner pain and need to be acknowledged. Doing this will give you an idea of who needs forgiveness in your life and provide a place to start.

There are many forms of emotional pain; but the common forms are anxiety, depression, unhealthy anger, lack of trust, self-loathing or low self-esteem, an overall negative worldview, and a lack of confidence in one’s ability to change. All of these harms can be addressed by forgiveness; so it’s important to identify the kind of pain you are suffering from and to acknowledge it. The more hurt you have incurred, the more important it is to forgive, at least for the purpose of experiencing emotional healing.

You may be able to do this accounting on your own, or you may need the help of a therapist. However you approach looking at your pain be sure you do it in an environment that feels safe and supportive.

4. Develop a forgiving mind through empathy

Scientists have studied what happens in the brain when we think about forgiving and have discovered that, when people successfully imagine forgiving someone (in a hypothetical situation), they show increased activity in the neural circuits responsible for empathy. This tells us that empathy is connected to forgiveness and is an important step in the process.

If you examine some of the details in the life of the person who harmed you, you can often see more clearly what wounds he carries and start to develop empathy for him. First, try to imagine him as an innocent child, needing love and support. Did he get that from the parents? Research has shown that if an infant does not receive attention and love from primary caregivers, then he will have a weak attachment, which can damage trust. It may prevent him from ever getting close to others and set a trajectory of loneliness and conflict for the rest of his life.

You may be able to put an entire narrative together for the person who hurt you—from early child through adulthood—or just imagine it from what you know. You may be able to see her physical frailties and psychological suffering, and begin to understand the common humanity that you share. You may recognize her as a vulnerable person who was wounded and wounded you in return. Despite what she may have done to hurt you, you realize that she did not deserve to suffer, either.

Recognizing that we all carry wounds in our hearts can help open the door to forgiveness.

5. Find meaning in your suffering

When we suffer a great deal, it is important that we find meaning in what we have endured. Without seeing meaning, a person can lose a sense of purpose, which can lead to hopelessness and a despairing conclusion that there is no meaning to life itself. That doesn’t mean we look for suffering in order to grow or try to find goodness in another’s bad actions. Instead, we try to see how our suffering has changed us in a positive way.

Even as one suffers, it’s possible to develop short-term and sometimes long-range goals in life. Some people begin to think about how they can use their suffering to cope, because they’ve become more resilient or brave. They may also realize that their suffering has altered their perspective regarding what is important in life, changing their long-range goals for themselves.

To find meaning is not to diminish your pain or to say, I’ll just make the best of it or All things happen for a reason. You must always take care to address the woundedness in yourself and to recognize the injustice of the experience, or forgiveness will be shallow.

Still, there are many ways to find meaning in our suffering. Some may choose to focus more on the beauty of the world or decide to give service to others in need. Some may find meaning by speaking their truth or by strengthening their inner resolve. If I were to give one answer, it would be that we should use our suffering to become more loving and to pass that love onto others. Finding meaning, in and of itself, is helpful for finding direction in forgiveness.

6. When forgiveness is hard, call upon other strengths

Forgiveness is always hard when we are dealing with deep injustices from others. I have known people who refuse to use the word forgiveness because it just makes them so angry. That’s OK—we all have our own timelines for when we can be merciful. But if you want to forgive and are finding it hard, it might help to call upon other resources.

First remember that if you are struggling with forgiveness, that doesn’t mean you’re a failure at forgiveness. Forgiveness is a process that takes time, patience, and determination. Try not to be harsh on yourself, but be gentle and foster a sense of quiet within, an inner acceptance of yourself. Try to respond to yourself as you would to someone whom you love deeply.

Surround yourself with good and wise people who support you and who have the patience to allow you time to heal in your own way. Also, practice humility—not in the sense of putting yourself down, but in realizing that we are all capable of imperfection and suffering.

Try to develop courage and patience in yourself to help you in the journey. Also, if you practice bearing small slights against you without lashing out, you give a gift to everyone—not only to the other person, but to everyone whom that person may harm in the future because of your anger. You can help end the cycle of inflicting pain on others.

If you are still finding it hard to forgive, you can choose to practice with someone who is easier to forgive—maybe someone who hurt you in a small way, rather than deeply. Alternatively, it can be better to focus on forgiving the person who is at the root of your pain—maybe a parent who was abusive, or a spouse who betrayed you. If this initial hurt impacts other parts of your life and other relationships, it may be necessary to start there.

7. Forgive yourself

Most of us tend to be harder on ourselves than we are on others and we struggle to love ourselves. If you are not feeling lovable because of actions you’ve taken, you may need to work on self-forgiveness and offer to yourself what you offer to others who have hurt you: a sense of inherent worth, despite your actions.

In self-forgiveness, you honor yourself as a person, even if you are imperfect. If you’ve broken your personal standards in a serious way, there is a danger of sliding into self-loathing. When this happens, you may not take good care of yourself—you might overeat or oversleep or start smoking or engage in other forms of “self-punishment.” You need to recognize this and move toward self-compassion. Soften your heart toward yourself.

After you have been able to self-forgive, you will also need to engage in seeking forgiveness from others whom you’ve harmed and right the wrongs as best as you can. It’s important to be prepared for the possibility that the other person may not be ready to forgive you and to practice patience and humility. But, a sincere apology, free of conditions and expectations, will go a long way toward your receiving forgiveness in the end.

8. Develop a forgiving heart

When we overcome suffering, we gain a more mature understanding of what it means to be humble, courageous, and loving in the world. We may be moved to create an atmosphere of forgiveness in our homes and workplaces, to help others who’ve been harmed overcome their suffering, or to protect our communities from a cycle of hatred and violence. All of these choices can lighten the heart and bring joy to one’s life.

Some people may believe that love for another who’s harmed you is not possible. But, I’ve found that many people who forgive eventually find a way to open their hearts. If you shed bitterness and put love in its place, and then repeat this with many, many other people, you become freed to love more widely and deeply. This kind of transformation can create a legacy of love that will live on long after you’re gone.

FORGIVENESS IS NOT EASY AND IT’S NOT FOR THE WEAK
BUT THE WEAK SOMEHOW NEVER STAY THAT
WAY WHEN FORGIVENESS IS OFFERED.     .     .

DESIDERATA

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Go placidly amid the noise and haste,
and remember what peace
there may be in silence.
As far as possible without surrender
be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly
and clearly;
and listen to others,
even the dull and the ignorant;
they too have their story.

Avoid loud and aggressive persons,
they are vexations to the spirit.
If you compare yourself
with others,
you may become vain and bitter;
for always there will be greater
and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well
as your plans.

Keep interested in your own career, however humble;
it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs;
for the world is full of trickery
But let this not blind you to what
virtue there is;
many persons strive for high ideals;
and everywhere life is full of heroism.

Be yourself.
Especially, do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love;
for in the face of all aridity
and disenchantment
it is as perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years,
gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.
Beyond a wholesome discipline,
be gentle with yourself.

You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here.

And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is  unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God,
whatever you conceive Him to be,
and whatever your labors and aspirations,
in the noisy confusion of life
keep peace with your soul.

With all its sham, drudgery,
and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful.
Strive to be happy. ~Max Ehrmann

(Book: Desiderata https://amzn.to/45kJvnK

IT’S ONE THING TO SING WORDS
IT’S ONE THING TO HEAR WORDS
IT’S ONE THING TO READ WORDS
IT’S ONE THING TO BE WORDS
and make them come to life.      .      .
No matter when they were sung, heard, or read.          .          .

PHRASES PERSONIFIED

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SO.          .           .
ARE WE MORE THAN OUR WORDS.           .               .
WHAT ONE PERSON SAID:

“I have reached the pinnacle of success in business.” In other people’s eyes my life is a success.

However, aside from work, I’ve had little joy.

At the end of the day, wealth is just a fact I’ve gotten used to.

Right now, lying on my hospital bed, reminiscing all my life, I realize that all the recognition and wealth I took so much pride in, has faded and become meaningless in the face of imminent death.

You can hire someone to drive your car or make money for you, but you can’t hire someone to stand sick and die for you.

Material things lost can be found again. But there is one thing that can never be found when it is lost: Life.

Whatever stage of life we are currently at, in time we will face the day the curtain closes.

Love your family, spouse, children and friends… Treat them right .

Cherish them.

As we get older, and wiser, we slowly realize that wearing a $300 or $30 watch both give the same time

Whether we have a $300 or $30 wallet or purse, the amount inside is the same.

Whether we drive a $150,000 car or a $30,000 car, the road and the distance are the same, and we reach the same destination.

Whether we drink a $1000 or $10 bottle of wine, the hangover is the same.

Whether the house in which we live is 100 or 1000 square meters, loneliness is the same.

You will realize that your true inner happiness does not come from material things of this world.

Whether you travel first class or economy class, if the plane crashes, you go down with it…

Therefore, I hope you realize, when you have friends, brothers and sisters, with whom you discuss, laugh, talk, sing, talk about north-south-east or heaven and earth,… this is the real happiness!!

An indisputable fact of life:
Don’t raise your children to be rich.

Educate them to be happy.

When they grow up, they will know the value of things and not the price. “

THE
A     N     S     W     E     R

Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.          .          .
Anyone can deliver a good line
few can
p  e  r  s  o  n  i  f  y
or
l        i        v       e
them.          .          .
(Thank you Steve Jobs for continuing to live a life you never dreamed possible
and making good–Better)

WHEN SMALL TALK BECOMES LARGE

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WHAT’S REALLY THE DIFFERENCE
BETWEEN SMALL TALK AND LARGE TALK
Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
L I S T E N
U P

7 Ways to Get Better at Small Talk—And Why
You Should.   .   .

Angela Haupt from Time Magazine took us to a different kind of sound booth that might have us listening another way.          .          .

When Gillian Sandstrom was a graduate student in Toronto more than a decade ago, she encountered a stranger on the subway who was carrying a scrumptious-looking cupcake.

Sandstrom had long considered herself an introvert and found small talk uncomfortable and even embarrassing. But drool-worthy desserts can’t go unadmired, so she approached the woman. “By the end of the conversation, she taught me that people can ride ostriches,” she recalls. “That’s what conversations do sometimes—and I was hooked after that.”

The experience inspired Sandstrom, a senior lecturer in the psychology of kindness at the University of Sussex in England, to conduct some of the leading research on the benefits of casual interactions with strangers and acquaintances. These brief but pleasant exchanges can enhance health and happiness, lifting mood, energy, and overall well-being. They often promote learning, expand people’s world views, and contribute to a sense of belonging. Plus, they’re good for both parties: Sandstrom’s research indicates that people view “minimal social interactions” such as a smile, compliment, or quick chat as an act of kindness.

You can maximize these benefits by making a point to talk to a wide range of people, additional research suggests. Chatting with your colleagues, barista, Uber driver, and the person surveying the ice-cream aisle with you builds what’s called relational diversity, which is a unique predictor of well-being.

Despite the benefits, many of us hate small talk. We often assume that the people around us aren’t interested in talking or won’t like us—but research indicates that we tend to underestimate how much our conversation partners enjoy our company, a phenomenon called “the liking gap.”

“We all have this negative voice in our heads that tells us we’re not very good at this social stuff,” Sandstrom says. “But the data suggest that people actually like you more than you think they do.”
The more you do it, she’s found, the more natural it will feel. One study by Sandstrom found that when people did a week-long scavenger hunt in which they had to find, approach, and talk to strangers, they grew more optimistic and confident about their conversational skills every day.

We asked experts to share their favorite strategies for getting better at small talk—because there’s only so much you can say about the weather.

Reframe the conversation as a treasure hunt

Alison Wood Brooks gets excited about small talk—and for years, it didn’t occur to her that some people dreaded it. But when she started teaching a course on conversation skills at Harvard Business School, she realized she had hit a nerve. “Even these high-achieving, brilliant MBA students—so many of them hate small talk,” says Brooks, whose forthcoming book is called Talk: The Science of Conversation and Art of Being Ourselves. “I’ve come to believe that I’m the weird one. I think most people truly dread small talk and struggle to figure out how to manage it.”

One key to changing that is to first accept that these casual chats are inevitable. “It’s a social ritual that you actually have to engage in, especially with strangers or people you don’t know that well,” she says. Then, reframe it in your mind as a treasure hunt. Dive in, eager to discover what fascinating or juicy tidbit you might unearth. Who knows where the conversation might lead?

Take advantage of “free information”

Lean into your surroundings, says Debra Fine, an expert on communication skills and author of The Fine Art of Small Talk. If you’re standing next to someone at a baby shower, for example, the fact that you’re both there is what she describes as “free information”—so ask the person how they know the mom-to-be. If you’re at a fundraiser, ask the stranger assigned to your dinner table how he got involved and what keeps him interested. Or ask the person squeezed into the airplane seat next to you if she’s been to your shared destination before. “If I’m at a 5K race this summer, I’ll say to the person next to me, ‘What’s your best ingredient for success at these things?’ Or, ‘Have you ever done this before?’” Fine says. Your shared reality is a terrific entry point and can lead to deeper conversation.

Don’t linger too long on low-priority topics

Think of conversation topics as a pyramid, Brooks says. The foundation consists of the obligatory small talk anyone can master: How about that rain? How was your weekend? These topics are foundational, she says—you often have to start conversations at the base of the pyramid.

The mistake people commonly make, however, is lingering there too long. “You get stuck talking about the weather for 15 minutes,” and all parties become desperate to escape, she says. Instead, ascend the pyramid by selecting topics that are increasingly more personalized and tailored to your conversation partner. Say you ask a colleague how their weekend was, and they tell you they went to a Taylor Swift concert. “As soon as you find that treasure, there are so many questions you can ask,” Brooks says. For example: What was your favorite part of the show? “And then all of a sudden you’re sprinting up the pyramid away from small talk, because they’re going to talk about their emotions and peak moments,” she says. Voila: small talk has evolved into deep talk.

Compliment unique forms of personal expression

Try not to comment on someone’s looks, which could come across as “creepy,” Sandstrom says. (For example: Avoid “you have such beautiful eyes,” which might make the recipient want to shuffle away as quickly as possible.)

Instead, channel your curiosity about a form of personal expression—like funky jewelry or hair color, or a striking outfit or bag—into a compliment that might start a conversation. “When you give someone a compliment, like ‘Oh, I love your tattoo,’ they often interpret it as, ‘You’re asking me the story about it,’” she says.

Sandstrom once complimented a waitress on her earrings, and the woman told her how she collects a new set everywhere she travels. That particular pair happened to be shaped like sailboats—and had been made out of old boat materials. The exchange brightened each person’s day, and remains vivid in Sandstrom’s mind.

Skip questions about marriage, kids, and work

When you’re talking to strangers and acquaintances, it’s generally wise to steer clear of controversial topics (like religion and politics) and to avoid probing potentially sensitive matters (such as inquiring if someone is married or has kids). Another possible landmine: Asking someone what they do for work. Not only is it a tired line of inquiry, but it could thrust someone into the uncomfortable position of, say, disclosing they were recently laid off.

Instead, try a question like: “’What keeps you busy outside of work or school?’” Fine advises. For acquaintances, use phrases like “catch me up on” or “bring me up to speed.” For example: You might ask a high-school senior to fill you in on their college search, rather than inquiring if they got into Dartmouth.

When someone asks you a question,
respond generously

Think of conversation as a game—and aim to be an active player, which requires investing energy into it. If someone asks you how you are, and you simply respond “good,” you’re being a “lazy conversationalist,” Fine says. Rather than a single-word response, offer a full sentence in return, like: “I just watched the most recent episode of Ted Lasso, and I didn’t think it was that great.” That gives the person you’re talking to plenty to work with if they’d like to continue to chat.

Exit the conversation gracefully

People often drag conversations on for too long because they can’t figure out how to end them, Brooks says.

While the exact circumstances will dictate how you navigate your exit, consider introducing the person to someone else, suggests Diane Windingland, author of several books on communication skills, including Small Talk, Big Results. Make a positive comment about why they should meet, and then say, “I’ll let you two get to know each other.”

If that’s not possible, briefly recap the conversation—“I enjoyed hearing about your fishing adventures”—and, if you want, mention something you could do together in the future. Then, Windingland recommends concluding like this: “Please excuse me; I have to talk to so and so.” Or, “It’s been great talking to you, but I don’t want to monopolize your time.”

It really is this simple.          .         .
Everyone has a story to tell
that not only needs to be told
but desperately needs to be heard
BE  THE  EAR
T  O
L          I          S            T           E            N

 

A POWERFULLY PROFANE PRAYER

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Anthony Hopkins might be one of the best actors in the past 50 years and one of the reasons I personally love and admire him is because he says his lines almost as if they were your own thoughts, and a flawless double-take.

B                         U                         T   

Here’s the problem with his film clip.        .        .Most of us either got disgusted or we stopped watching or maybe we even haven’t gotten this far when we heard those
TWO WORDS that start with an F and end with a T.          .          .DID you hear what he said after that.          .          .You see what makes that prayer so powerful isn’t the words, it’s a REELEASE,  A SURRENDER  that powerfully were related, actually felt, in those words.  When’s  the last time you had that kind of surrender, felt that kind of release that you offered it or felt it or just flat out better still, that you actually lived it.          .          .

Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.          .         .
maybe it’s not the most powerful and the fastest prayer in the world
or maybe it’s just one that’s long been waiting to be
PROFANELY PRAYED

 

GETTING POOH’D

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It’s almost a very shameful confession but.        .        .
I’ve never been a very big Winnie the Pooh fan
and yet even though I’ve never been able to explain or defend it
I also have to admit
I LOVE THE GENTLE LIFE LESSONS
that are often offered up
L                    I                    K                    E: 

Piglet?” said Pooh.
“Yes?” said Piglet.

“I’m scared,” said Pooh.
For a moment, there was silence.

“Would you like to talk about it?” asked Piglet, when Pooh didn’t appear to be saying anything further.

“I’m just so scared,” blurted out Pooh.

“So anxious. Because I don’t feel like things are getting any better. If anything, I feel like they might be getting worse. People are angry, because they’re so scared, and they’re turning on one another, and there seems to be no clear plan out of here, and I worry about my friends and the people I love, and I wish SO much that I could give them all a hug, and oh, Piglet! I am so scared, and I cannot tell you how much I wish it wasn’t so.”

Piglet was thoughtful, as he looked out at the blue of the skies, peeping between the branches of the trees in the Hundred Acre Wood, and listened to his friend.

“I’m here,” he said, simply. “I hear you, Pooh. And I’m here.”

For a moment, Pooh was perplexed.

“But… aren’t you going to tell me not to be so silly? That I should stop getting myself into a state and pull myself together? That it’s hard for everyone right now?”

“No,” said Piglet, quite decisively. “No, I am very much not going to do any of those things.”

“But-“ said Pooh.

“I can’t change the world right now,” continued Piglet. “And I am not going to patronise you with platitudes about how everything will be okay, because I don’t know that.

“What I can do, though, Pooh, is that I can make sure that you know that I am here. And that I will always be here, to listen; and to support you; and for you to know that you are heard.

“I can’t make those Anxious Feelings go away, not really.

“But I can promise you that, all the time I have breath left in my body…you won’t ever need to feel those Anxious Feelings alone.”

And it was a strange thing, because even as Piglet said that, Pooh could feel some of those Anxious Feelings start to loosen their grip on him; could feel one or two of them start to slither away into the forest, cowed by his friend, who sat there stolidly next to him.

Pooh thought he had never been more grateful to have Piglet in his life.

image.png

Ever feel like Pooh?
Ever been a Piglet?
The world is filled with both.           .          .

STINKIN’ THINKIN’

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How to Manage Catastrophic Thinking
or get rid of
STINKIN’  THINKIN’.   .   .

Illustration by Giulio Bonasera for TIME
 MARTIN SELIGMAN
from Time Magazine, recently shared some interesting thoughts about THOUGHTS that haunt/taunt us all from time to time

When something really bad happens to you, how do you think about your future? Catastrophizers think, Everything will now unravel, and my life will be ruined. This mindset turns out to be an enormous impediment to happiness and, even worse, it is a major risk factor for post­traumatic stress disorder (PTSD).

We found this out by tracking every single one of the 79,438 U.S. Army soldiers who deployed to Iraq or Afghanistan from 2009 to 2013. On their very first day in the Army, they took a psychological questionnaire asking them to rate how they felt about several statements related to pessimism and its most extreme form, catastrophization. For example:

  • “When bad things happen to me, I expect more bad things to happen”
  • “When bad things happen to me, I blame myself for them”
  • “I have no control over the things that happen to me”
  • “When bad things happen to me, I cannot stop thinking about how much worse things will get”
  • “When I have a physical problem, I am likely to think that it is something very serious”
  • “When I fail at something, I give up all hope”
  • “I respond to stress by making things worse than they are.”

It turns out that we could have used the day-one questionnaire to predict robustly who would develop PTSD. Catastrophizers who faced severe combat stress were almost four times as likely as non­catastrophizers to get PTSD over the course of their service. But even those catastrophizers who faced minimal combat were at greater risk for PTSD than noncatastrophizers, and at all other levels of combat as well.

Combat is near the extreme of the bad events that human beings face. So what is the lesson for the rest of us, the civilian population? If you catastrophize, you will likely suffer more from bad events, and if you have the opposite, optimistic mindset, you will likely be more resilient.

I confess that I am a catastrophizer, but I take my own medicine. I have learned how to combat catastrophization, and you can too. In our upcoming book Tomorrow­mind, Gabriella Rosen Kellerman and I discuss how you can build this strength. One potent exercise is “putting it in perspective”: you begin by imagining a troubling event which has an uncertain, but potentially terrible, explanation. For soldiers, the example was a man missing at night. They start with the worst possible explanation: “He’s dead, and it’s all my fault.” Then, the best possible: “His radio battery died, and he will show up in a few minutes.” Finally, the most likely, along with plans to cope with it: “He’s probably injured, so we need to retrace our steps, find him, and bring him back.” Following this pattern built resilience in soldiers.

When COVID-19 broke out as I neared my 78th birthday, I catastrophized: “I’m in the most vulnerable group. I am sure to die.”  But then I asked myself about the best outcome: “I am very healthy and will likely escape altogether.” And then I focused on the most likely outcome, and I planned for it: “I will isolate for now as best I can, take all the vaccines, and escape with a mild case, if that.” There is no way to completely eliminate uncertainty from your life. But this exercise is one way to systematically reduce catastrophization—and, therefore, both maintain happiness despite uncertainty and develop emotional resilience.

Do you have Stinking’ Thinking’?
Are you a true Catastrophizer.       .     .
and you handle it by______________________
and now you will at least try to:
______________________________________

Uhhhhhhhhhhhh.          .         .
try filling in your own blanks
.          .          .an ounce of
self-acceptance
and a pinch of self-compassion
may bring you a ton
of
s a t i s f a c t i o n

 

A LITTLE GOOD NEWS TODAY

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It’s really good to hit the rewind button sometimes
even if it’s all the way back to 1983
to know now
what we were shouting for then
and way before THEN.          .          .

NEWS FOR THE REAL WORLD
Gloria Heffernan

This morning, I want to wake up  
with no headlines. 

I want to find that my New York Times  
has been replaced 

with a worn-out copy of The Velveteen Rabbit, 
and the Skin Horse 

is inviting me to love the world 
in all its broken realness. 

I want to touch the Earth  
where the soft fur 

has been rubbed off  
and see it with my fingertips. 

When I feel the need to know who  
is fighting with whom, 

and what disaster occurred overnight, 
I want to hear  

the wind chimes in my backyard 
whisper in the breeze,  

“I am as real as anything you
will find on the front page.” 

When the hard facts are just too hard, 
I want to press  

the tattered velveteen ears to my cheek  
and remember that the hot cup of tea, 

and the warm blanket,  
and the beloved sleeping by my side 

are every bit as real as the rage  
that fuels the news,  

and for today I want to embrace  
the real I can touch  

with my hands and see with my eyes,  
and let the world rage on without me.  

Pssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssst:
The best way for a little good news today
IS TO MAKE IT
AND ASSURE THAT EVERYONE IS A PART OF IT

Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.          .           .
JOIN ME

C E L E B R A T I N G

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I once put in a Work Suggestion Box that
E V E R Y O N E
should have their Birthday off
.      .     .in fact, it would be a fireable offense to work on your Birthday
.     .     in fact, not only should you have your Birthday off
but the day before and the day after, too.  .  .
IF YOUR BIRTHDAY
falls on the weekend, even better,
you’d either get the Friday before or the Monday after
.          .      .uhhhhh, THAT IDEA
never even got a reaction let alone approval
(I thought it would be an absolute MORALE  BOOSTER
saying, YOU COUNT; WE VALUE YOU)

I always take off Birthday’s.   .   .
THE WHOLE WEEK
Mine and Erin’s.         .        .
we really don’t do much or go anywhere all that special
in fact, our Birthday weeks this year in March and now finishing up this week in August, we were both kind of under a cloud but always with a few rays of sunshine among some of the raindrops
WHICH MEANS WE SHOULD NEVER CELEBRATE 
FOR A WEEK AGAIN
(maybe we should actually take off two weeks)
But before the fireworks get canceled
p a u s e
(ever so briefly)
and RAMP UP the
C E L E B R A T I O N
even more.          .          .

Like a Trick Candle
my life has ignited
Blazingly
Sparkingly so
Only to be blown out
e x t i n g u i s h e d
just to sputter back up into 
a glimmer 
that tricks the dark
into thinking
it matters

So many
HAPPY BIRTHDAY’S
HOW YA DOING’S
THINKING ABOUT YOU’S
WELL WISHES
.      .     .some from people I’m not sure I even know
as they came across the many forms of 
social media
Which not only tells me that the Celebration never ends but continues on in a variety of surprising ways if we take the time to not just notice but to abundantly EXPERIENCE
Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.             .          .
here’s a secret to keeping
YOUR CELEBRATION
g  o  i  n  g

Professional Speaker, Author, Assurance Man