JUST FOR THE RECORD
Dale A. Lombardi
When I’ve reached that certain age
and you wonder about my mental fitness . . .
Don’t ask me
who's President
or what year it is
or even what month
Ask me
what finches are drawn
to the thistle feeder
or what color the fire
when the hardenbergia blooms
in March
or how Willie-dog
spent his final hours
lying in the cool morning grass,
face tipped toward heaven
to receive the last of this earth’s sunshine
as a final blessing
Don’t ask me
to count backwards
by sevens
or to draw you a clock
or to tell you the time
Ask me
to tell you
when time stood still
or if I want more time
or how time passed so quickly
Don’t ask me
to take a deep breath
or to breathe normally
Ask me
what took my breath away
or when I knew beauty
so clear and pure and true
I couldn’t catch my breath
Don’t ask
to listen to my heart
Put your stethoscope away
and listen to what set my heart
on fire, what frayed
its very edges, or when pride and awe and love
nearly broke my heart
open
Ask me
What really matters
Was it all worthwhile
Who I’ve loved
and how
Ask
What binds us to all eternity
What’s at the very center
when all else is peeled away,
What will last—really last—
not anger or grief,
but music and art and poetry
and trees
Ask me
if I have hope,
not for myself
but for the world
And if I don’t answer . . .
Set down your hurry
Bring me a slice of calm
with some tea
Then pull your chair close,
take the pale wither
of my hand in yours,
and just sit, sit
with me
awhile
(text as posted at this link)
Maybe it’s not so much for what we reach for as what stretches out for us; sometimes that’s a hand, sometimes it’s an idea, a thought, a story, a poem, but it’s undeniable when it makes contact and causes not even ever so slightly to move us ever so powerfully.
It’s kind of amazing isn’t it. . .
It’s Valentine’s Day week,
Which means it’s a great day for people who really love each other
but not so great day for people that are grieving
or folks who have lost
or others who are alone. . .
Wonder if it
WASN’T
about that kind of love
Wonder if Valentine’s Day
was actually a gift that you give to somebody,
that includes Everybody
no matter
race
creed
religion
sex
no matter alone
no matter grieving
no matter sad or happy
What if it was a day that you just loved just to love
and maybe even better
Wonder if it was just a day to love
the way a person deserves to be loved
now that would be quite a day
we’re celebrating, right
and guess what
. . .not just on February 14
How about let’s make it that kind of a day
not only on Wednesday
but each day
how about
T O D A Y
before the 14th of February (or the 14th of any other month) S E E. . .
When Valentine’s Day is more than just a day
it has the greatest opportunity to become a l i f e s t y l e
A new study suggests that forgiving past transgressions could help us see people in a better light. . .
Jill Suttie, Psy.D., is Greater Good’s former book review editor and now serves as a staff writer and contributing editor for the magazine. She received her doctorate of psychology from the University of San Francisco in 1998 and was a psychologist in private practice before coming to Greater Good. Jill asserts that Forgiveness carries many benefits, according to research. Releasing feelings of resentment or vengeance makes us happier, improves our health, and sustains relationships, among other things. . .
Now, a new study suggests another potential gain from forgiving others: It may decrease our paranoia—something that could otherwise keep us locked into patterns of distrust and isolation.
In a series of experiments, researchers measured forgiveness and paranoia. In one, for example, participants completed a questionnaire measuring their tendency toward forgiving others that asked how much they agree with statements like, “I continue to punish a person who has done something I think is wrong”or “Although others have hurt me in the past, I have eventually been able to see them as good people.”
Three days later and ten days later, researchers asked participants to recall a pleasant and difficult social experience they’d had recently, and to rate how stressed and paranoid they felt after each experience. Difficult social experiences included things like not being invited to a friend’s party, being treated rudely by a store clerk, or fighting with a colleague about work issues. Ratings of paranoia came from asking people how much they agreed with statements like “Someone has it in for me” or “Someone would have harmed me if they could.”
After analyzing the results, the researchers found that all participants had higher levels of paranoia and stress for unpleasant events than for pleasant events—no surprise there. However, those who were more forgiving types experienced lower stress and paranoia in those difficult situations than people who were less forgiving.
“These findings add dispositional forgiveness to the range of psychological resources that buffer or attenuate paranoia,” write the authors.
Though the results imply a positive role for forgiveness, it’s hard to know whether more paranoid people are less forgiving or people reluctant to forgive become more paranoid. To get at this, the researchers performed another experiment in which they tried to encourage people to take on a more forgiving mindset.
Since there is no quick, easy way to do this—forgiving others can actually take a lot of effort and time—they used a proxy activity. Participants filled out a questionnaire created by the authors that supposedly measured their forgiveness tendencies, then were randomly told that they’d scored either above or below average on their willingness to forgive others who’d harmed them. After being asked to write an essay explaining why they scored the way they did, they filled out actual, scientifically validated forgiveness surveys, which indicated if they’d absorbed this view of themselves as more or less forgiving people.
Next, they were given the paranoia survey to see if being forgiving affected their scores. Those prompted to feel more forgiving scored lower on the paranoia survey than their less forgiving counterparts. This suggests that encouraging a forgiving mindset may help us avoid overreacting to harm from others.
“We conceptually replicated and extended [our] findings by demonstrating, for the first time, that forgiveness exerts a causal effect on (reduced) paranoia,”the researchers write.
Of course, it’s important that forgiveness not be coerced and that people who have harmed you aren’t simply “let off the hook.” Researchers often emphasize that forgiveness is more about personal well-being for the person who was harmed—and that doesn’t necessarily mean you need to reconcile with someone or preclude you from seeking justice.
So, if you are withholding forgiveness, it may mean you are also holding on to paranoia, making it difficult to trust others’ motivations in everyday life. If so, it could be useful to consider the work of forgiving others—not just for your own mental health, but to prevent you taking out your pain on other people.
Just when you thought you knew everything there was to know about SNOW BANKS
well. . .there’s never not a time to THINK AGAIN. . .
Sometimes I feel like a snow bank that has never been found seen very unknown and like a snow bank especially one like that
I’m waiting not for more snow
that could build upon me add on but for what can become from me maybe a snowman maybe a snow fort maybe snowballs or maybe just someplace something to be seen to be recognized to be identified to be known Sometimes I feel like a Snow Bank waiting w a i ti n g until some warm rays find their way to me and thaw away And remember. . .
before you completely melt away
P L A Y
HAVE FUN
Go get cold on purpose
and then go to your warm place and
R E M E M B E R
AWAY
reminds us:“The stories we tell ourselves shape our reality. We may try to box ourselves in, but we’re much more expansive and multifaceted than we think. Maybe if we tried to count our sides, they’d approach infinity—like a circle.”
“Perhaps perfect shapes aren’t the best metaphor for the self. Wouldn’t you rather be beach glass, glimmering in the sun? Or an oddly flat stone, perfect for skipping? Inside we all feel lumpy and irregular. A bit misshapen. And we’re never quite as stable as we pretend to be.”
“May you find your own way to shape your story. To show off your sharp corners and imperfections. To arrange your life in a unique composition. To create a geometric masterpiece.”
W E L L. . . ARE YOU A RESOLVER?
Another way to ask that question is:
ARE YOU A RESOLVING RESOLVER
or do you even try
or do you even care. . .
IN EVERY CASE
(and a few in between)
Here are
9 Mental-Health Resolutions for 2024, According to Therapists
helps us sort through the in’s and out’s of to RESOLVE or DISOLVE
Whether you feel reborn—or even just a little bit reset—at the start of a new year, consider making your mental health a priority in 2024. Why? “Because that’s the gateway to everything else,” says Guy Winch, a clinical psychologist, author of Emotional First Aid, and co-host of the Dear Therapistspodcast. “It’s the linchpin that allows you to succeed or to fail.”
With that in mind, we asked Winch and other experts to share the New Year’s resolutions they wish people would make in the name of mental health.
1. Rethink your social-media use
Spend some time reflecting on whether you’d like to continue with the same online habits in 2024, says Nedra Glover Tawwab, a therapist and author of Set Boundaries, Find Peace: A Guide to Reclaiming Yourself. (If it’s hard to stop scrolling long enough to have an earnest conversation with yourself, take it as a sign that you need a change.) “Do you want to set some boundaries for yourself? Are there people you need to unfollow?” asks Tawwab. For example, you might limit yourself to 15 minutes on social media per day—or delete the most time-sucking apps from your phone during the work week. You could also challenge yourself not to check social media when you’re feeling glum, which is like throwing fuel on an already simmering fire. “The top of the year is a great time to consider how you want to do the rest of the year,”Tawwab says.
2. Reconnect with a long lost friend
That old adage—”Make new friends, but keep the old”—is one to live by, especially considering that loneliness affects physical and mental health, while strong social bonds are a salve. In 2024, Winch suggests resolving to reach out to “one person you lost touch with who used to be dear to you.”If you’re not sure how to open the conversation, he recommends sending a text message like this: “I was thinking about you. It’s been so long. How are you?” End the note with a smiley face, he adds. “That’s important because when you say, ‘It’s been so long,’ it can sound accusatory.”A smiley face, Winch says, can ensure the real meaning— “I miss you”—comes across.
Americans have an empathy deficit, says Calvin Fitch, a clinical health psychologist with Massachusetts General Hospital and Harvard Medical School. He believes fostering empathy is the antidote to the divisiveness ripping society apart. “The fortunate thing about empathy is that it can be trained,” he says. “It can grow.”
3. Develop empathy for someone different from you
In 2024, connect with someone from a group you have a moderate level of difficulty understanding, Fitch suggests. You could follow someone from a different political, religious, or ethnic background on social media, spend time in their community, or even read about a fictional character from that group. “Aim to understand their perspective and read their emotions,”he says. “Try to be able to thoughtfully answer these questions: What makes this person happy? What makes them worried? What are their dreams? What experiences and emotions have shaped their world view? And how are their thought patterns similar to mine?”As Fitch points out, people with high levels of empathy tend to function better in society than those with low levels—with more robust social networks and closer relationships.
4. Stop ruminating about work
This can be the year you stop spending evenings replaying upsetting thoughts about the workday, or engaging in fantasy duels with your rude boss. The simplest way to counteract these unproductive thoughts—which might trigger a visceral stress response, like chest tightness—is to convert whatever you’re ruminating about into a problem-solving question, Winch says. Say you’re spiraling over how much work you have to do and how you’ll never get it done. “That’s the ruminative thought,”Winch says. “The problem-solving version is a scheduling question. When do I have time to deal with the thing that’s bothering me? What can I move or reprioritize? Do I need to look at my schedule to reassure myself I do have time?” Figuring that out, he says, allows you to “ease the stress and distress and continue on with your evening.”
5. Slate four activities each week
One way to buffer ourselves against life’s stressors is to engage in a wide variety of activities, Fitch advises. First, seek out something that’s pleasurable, like going to a football game or belting out your favorite Taylor Swift album. This sort of fun activity “decreases your reactivity to stress by helping you accumulate more positive events than negative ones,”he says. Then check off a “mastery activity,”like cleaning your house or running errands you’ve been delaying. You might not want to do them, but you’ll almost certainly feel better once they’re done. Also key are being social—a sense of belonging facilitates better health—and doing physical activities that get your heart rate going.
6. Do one small thing to alleviate climate anxiety
If you’re distressed about the state of the planet—and more of us are—festering in your thoughts will likely exacerbate the situation. Instead, take a cue from Winch’s family: Each year, they pledge to do one thing to ease their climate anxiety, like eliminating plastic bags, composting food scraps, or walking 15 minutes to nearby destinations in lieu of driving. “It’s overwhelming—I feel like I can’t get my arms around it,” he says. “But doing one small thing is a way of feeling like you’re upping your game.”
7. Write a thank you letter
Being grateful is linked with an array of benefits, including improved mental health—but that hinges on practicing it in a way that feels natural to you. Once a year or so, Winch likes to write a thank you letter to someone who did a small thing that they might not have realized had a big impact on him. “I tell them the context, and I tell them why I’m reminding them of something they have no recollection of,”he says. Once, he reached out to someone he had shared a summer house rental with years prior. The two are now close friends, but at the time, they didn’t know each other—yet the then-stranger had picked up a set of toiletries for him, since there weren’t any there. “It was so lovely and considerate and warm,”he says, and helped him feel immediately at ease. Now, thanks to Winch’s letter, his friend knows exactly how he feels—a boon for both of them.
8. Write ‘you time’ into your schedule every day
It could be just 10 minutes twice a day. The key is embracing designated time that’s all about you—and making it a standing meeting on your calendar. That way, “it’s seen as just as productive as any other business appointment you have,” says Kelsey Latimer, a clinical psychologist based in Florida. You might go on a quick walk outside, do some stretches, or close your eyes and embark on a guided meditation, she suggests. Silence your phone and close your office door (or Slack app) to let the people around you know you’re briefly unavailable. You’ll be much happier, and feel more energized, the rest of the day.
9. Check in with a professional
You could set all the mental-health resolutions in the world and still benefit from talking with a therapist or other licensed professional—someone who’s trained to help you optimize your well-being. If you’ve been to therapy in the past, the start of the year is a terrific time to schedule a catch-up session, Tawwab says; if it’s a new idea, check a directory like those run by Psychology Today or Good Therapy to find someone who’s available and affordable near you. “Do a mental health check-in just to make sure those bigger things are addressed, and to get their opinion on things that are coming up,”she notes. A therapist will be able to arm you with the tools you need to thrive in 2024—and beyond. DO-ABLE. . .
Maybe the real question, the truest question is IS IT WANT-ABLE. . . M E. . . I just want to WAKE UP STUPID EVERYDAY; TO TRULY WAKE UP EVERY MORNING AND KNOW THAT I DON’T HAVE ALL THE ANSWERS AND I NEED TO LOOK AT EVERY MAJOR CHALLENGE THROUGH FRESH EYES. . .
Feeling overwhelmed? Wondering how you’re going to get it all done? Wishing you could just lie down? You aren’t alone.
The holidays can be stressful. Often, there’s a lot to do and a lot to buy and a lot of people to see. Sometimes we get so busy we have a hard time enjoying events that we’re otherwise looking forward to.
But we can make this holiday season less stressful for ourselves. Below are two tips to enjoy the holidays more.
Accept that the holidays will probably be, at times, disappointing. . .
Bet you weren’t expecting that one! But acceptance is a strangely effective strategy for feeling happier and more relaxed at any time of the year. When we accept a person or a situation we find challenging, we let go of the resistance that creates stress and tension. There’s a lot of truth to the adage that “what we resist, persists.”
Here’s how this works. When someone or something is being a pain in your rear, take a deep breath and accept the situation. Say to yourself something like, “I accept that Jane is upset right now; I allow this situation to be as it is.” Then notice how you are feeling, and accept how you are feeling, as well. You can say to yourself, “I accept that I am feeling angry at Jane and disappointed. I allow my feelings to be as they are right now.”
If accepting a disappointing situation or person seems too hard for you, here are the handy alternatives you’re left with:
You can judge and criticize others and the disappointing situation in general, and blame others for your own negative feelings. As a bonus, everyone around you will no doubt feel your judgment. Some people will likely feel wrongly accused, or like you are trying to “fix” them. You’ll achieve the dual outcomes of being hurtful to others while simultaneously making yourself feel tense and lonely.
Another alternative to acceptance is to nurse your anxiety and despair over the situation through rumination. To ruminate effectively, think about what is wrong with the situation or person as often as possible. Don’t let yourself become distracted from the negative. Tell everyone what you don’t like about the situation or person. This will successfully amplify both your negative feelings and the difficulty of the situation.
You can also definitely deny how difficult the situation is by pretending that nothing is bothering you. You can stuff your hard feelings down by drinking too much or by staying really, really busy and stressed. Simply avoid situations and people you don’t want to deal with, because that’s more important than participating in meaningful traditions and events.
Criticism, judgment, rumination, blaming, denial, and avoidance are almost like holiday rituals for some of us. But they are all tactics of resistance, and they won’t protect you. Ironically, these tactics will allow the disappointments or difficulties to further embed themselves into your psyche.
This is a long-winded way of pointing out that resistance doesn’t make us less stressed or more joyful in difficult situations. What does work is to simply accept that the circumstance is currently hard. We can accept a difficult situation, and still make an effort to improve things. This gentle acceptance does not mean that you are resigned to a miserable holiday, or that nothing you do will make the situation better. Maybe it will get better—and maybe it won’t.
Accepting the reality of a difficult situation allows us to soften. This softening opens the door to our own compassion and wisdom; and we all know that over the holidays, we are going to need those things.
Let go of expectations while turning your attention to what you appreciate. . .
Some people (myself included) suffer from what I think of as an abundance paradox: Because we have so much, it becomes easy to take our good fortune for granted. As a result, we are more likely to feel disappointed when we don’t get what we want than to feel grateful when we do.
This tendency can be especially pronounced during the holidays, when we tend to have high hopes that everything will be perfect and wonderful and memorable. You might have a fantasy of a sweet, close relationship with an in-law, for instance, or grand ideas about the perfect Christmas Eve dinner.
This sort of hope, as my dear friend Susie Rinehart has reminded me, can be a slippery slope to unhappiness: Hoping a holiday event will be the best-ever can quickly become a feeling that we won’t be happy unless it is, leading to sadness and disappointment when reality doesn’t live up to our ideal.
Unfortunately, the reality of the holidays is unlikely to ever outdo our fantasies of how great everything could be. So the trick is to ditch our expectations and instead notice what is actually happening in the moment. And then find something about that moment to appreciate.
Can you appreciate that your spouse did a lot of planning (or dishes, or shopping) this week? Do you feel grateful that you have enough food for your holiday table? Are you thankful for your health (or if your health is not great, that you are still here)?
It’s enough to notice and appreciate the small things, but when I’m having trouble with this, I like to practice an extreme form of gratitude that involves contemplating how fleeting our lives may be. There’s nothing like facing death to make us appreciate our lives—and sure enough, research finds that when people visualize their own death in detail, their gratitude increases.
If you feel stuck on what isn’t going well rather than what is, set aside some time to reflect on the following questions. Take each question one at a time, and try journaling an answer to each before moving on to the next one.
What would I do if this were the last holiday season I had left to live? What would I do the same, and what would I do differently?
What would I do if this were the last holiday season that my spouse, parents, or children had left to live? What would I do the same, and what would I do differently?
It’s a little heavy, I know, but contemplating death does tend to put things in perspective.
As the holidays approach, we will likely feel stressed and exhausted, but we need not feel like victims to this time of year. We often have a great deal of choice about what we do and how we feel. We can choose to bring acceptance to difficult situations and emotions, and we can choose to turn our attention to the things that we appreciate.
This holiday season, may we all see abundance when it is all around us—not an abundance of stuff, necessarily, but rather an abundance of love and connection. Even during the difficult bits.
There’s still a whole lot of F A
to go along with your L A L A L A Hopefully this will help keep your
lights burning
b r i g h t
and bring you some
M E R R Y
M E R R Y
to share your cup of
C H E E R
We all have those
FREEZE THE FRAME MOMENTS
that make memories even more precious than they are
especially this time of the year. . .
This is one of my FREEZE THE FRAME MOMENTS. . .
This picture of my sister and I was taken in front of my grandparents fireplace on a Christmas morning. I was two and my sister was 4. It was before my two other brothers were born. I have no idea what I got for Christmas that morning but I know the people who gave me the gifts loved me and even in death, still do which is THE BEST GIFT OF ALL. . .
What’s your
FREEZE THE FRAME MOMENT?
No matter what they may have been
or even if they are in the making
it allows us to know that our M E M O R I E S
mean
N O T H I N G
unless
L O V E
is attached to them
and then they are everything they are
everything they were
and everything they’re to become
FREEZE THE FRAME
and may your greatest memories
be those yet to be
f r a m e a b l e
THE EMPTY CHAIR Will stare you down Glare back Blink not Because it holds the h a l l o w e d power of M E M O R I E S
ANGUISH: The lack of Blindness that illuminates The Empty Chair at a Holiday Table
The best thing about an EMPTY CHAIR At the Table Is that it has a Meaning No other Emptiness Could ever hold or Capture
It WHISPERS: I’m still here It SHOUTS: Remember When
The Blessing of an EMPTY CHAIR Is it cradles what can’t be held No Hurt No Grief No Pain No Loss No Emptiness That’s caused by a power Much stronger than all of those things Together: L O V E
There’s nothing that shouts louder Than a Silent Space There’s nothing more full Than an EMPTY CHAIR A heart will always Shout What a mouth can’t Whisper EMPTY CHAIR That reminds of scents That holds little sense That makes no cents But always keeps us To what Was Tortured to what Is Foreigners to what For an Ever Will always be
And the worst of the worst The baddest of the bad The grievous of the grief isn’t THE EMPTY CHAIR
It’s the s m a l l e s t slow rusting rotting EMPTY CHAIR that holds what never was reminding us painfully of all of the memories that’ll never be created experienced imagined
Leaving us not only Empty Chair’d But Spilled OUT Off our Rocker POURED OUT
The only thing worse than getting EMPTY CHAIR’D is being NO CHAIR’D
Forever leaving blank the phrases: I REMEMBER THE TIME: I’LL NEVER FORGET THE TIME: or better yet, WHAT ABOUT THE TIME: . . .because the worst memories of all ARE THOSE NEVER CREATED. . . EMPTY CHAIR’D
