WELL. . .
Is THIS what you needed this morning. . .
Is THIS what someone you know might need. . .
IS IT TRUE?
Sometimes it nots what we can do….that’s simple
it’s what we are will to do. . .
ARE YOU A WITCH
Maybe Halloween…or HALLOW’S EVE isn’t quite over yet. . .
but no matter what the day or the day after is all about:
(Christian origins and historic customs. Halloween is thought to have influences from Christian beliefs and practices. The English word ‘Halloween’ comes from “All Hallows’ Eve”, being the evening before the Christian holy days of All Hallows’ Day (All Saints’ Day) on 1 November and All Souls’ Day on 2 November)
ARE YOU A WITCH
This really got my attention, so I wanted to share it with anyone interested in history.
One of my friends told me about a powerful lesson in her daughter’s high school class recently. They’re learning about the Salem Witch Trials, and their teacher told them they were going to play a game.
“I’m going to come around and whisper to each of you whether you’re a witch or a regular person. Your goal is to build the largest group possible that does NOT have a witch in it. At the end, any group found to include a witch gets a failing grade.”
The teens dove into grilling each other. One fairly large group formed, but most of the students broke into small, exclusive groups, turning away anyone they thought gave off even a hint of guilt.
“Okay,” the teacher said. “You’ve got your groups. Time to find out which ones fail. All witches, please raise your hands.”
No one raised a hand.
The kids were confused and told the teacher he’d messed up the game.
“Did I? Was anyone in Salem an actual witch? Or did everyone just believe what they’d been told?”
And that is how you teach kids how easy it is to divide a community.
Keep being welcoming, beautiful people. Shunning, scapegoating and dividing destroys far more than they protect. Do not allow the political elite to divide us. We must remain united against those who would do so
T H I S
got me thinking
and maybe it tickled your gray matter a little, too
and for the record:
Maybe the greatest MASK
you can ever wear. . .
IS THE ONE YOU
D O N ‘ T
got me thinking
and maybe it tickled your gray matter a little, too
and for the record:
Maybe the greatest MASKyou can ever wear. . .
IS THE ONE YOU
D O N ‘ T
GETTING IN LINE
Every minute someone leaves this world behind.
We are all in “THE LINE” without knowing it.
We never can know how many people are before us.
We can not move to the back of the line.
We can not step out of the line.
We can not avoid the line.
So while we wait in the line–
Make moments count.
Make priorities.
Make the time.
Make your gifts known.
Make a nobody feel like a somebody.
Make your voice heard.
Make the small things big.
Make someone smile.
Make the change.
Make love.
Make up.
Make peace.
Make sure to tell your people they are loved.
Make sure to have no regrets.
Make sure you are ready.
It’s never so much about what you read
so much as when you read it. . .
I’ve read this before and I thought it was great
but when I read it
R E A L L Y
saw and read it
again yesterday
(though I see it nearly everyday)
It took on a different tone
a way different meaning
after finding out about the COVID death of a friend
and then in a
THUNDEROUS
snap-of-the-finger-quickness
it was
personal
profound
prominent
I’m a day away from my 26th anniversary this October 31 of doing hospice work
or more
Hospice work doing me
and out of all of the daily lessons and affirmations
one of the biggest take-aways:
GOOD, BAD, RICH, POOR, BLACK/WHITE, HETEROSEXUAL/LGBTQ, YOUNG/OLD, RELIGIOUS/SPIRITUAL/AGNOSTIC,ATHEISTS, REPUBLICAN/DEMOCRAT/INDEPENDENTS
and yes, even
HOSPICE Staff and their Families
are not exempt from–
are actually each born with a
terminal sexually transmitted disease
called
L I F E
It’s not a lie
but a truth
we’ve never been able to eliminate or soften it
no matter what the unanswerable’s
of the
why
what-for
how-come’s
of it all
. . .all made all the more horrible by
that gives
G R I E F
its ultimate power and authority
THE ANSWER
may not be so much the Buddhist
shrug-of-the-shoulder:
“BEFORE ENLIGHTENMENT, CHOP WOOD AND CARRY WATER
AFTER ENLIGHTENMENT, CHOP WOOD AND CARRY WATER”
So much as
The antidote and the Porcupine of Grief:
L O V E
If in the end
DEATH
is inevitable
make sure
L O V E
is inescapable
as we take our place
IN LINE
Psssssssssssssssssssssst of the DAY:
. . .SO LIVE
live on
OUCH, SAY IT AIN’T SO
What’s worse. . .
That THEY DO
or that THEY DON’T. . .
THINK ABOUT YOU
We all,
no matter what we say
C A R E
(even in small ways)
What OTHERS
think about us
But here’s the
data-based
S C I E N T I F I C
p r o o f:
Nobody is thinking that much about me (or you)
Because we mostly think about ourselves. . .
Don’t believe it? Do you still think the people around you are spending a lot of time thinking about everything you do and say? Science disagrees.
Scientific evidence that we mostly think about ourselves
There’s actually scientific evidence that we mostly think about ourselves.
Back in 1997, Dunbar, Marriott et al studied the topic and content of human conversations. They found that 78% of conversations involved talking about ourselves and our perceptions of the world. As they said in the study, the number one function of conversation in the social domain is that:
it allows the speaker to convey to other individuals a lot of information about him/herself as a person.
So the first step was understanding that people mostly talk about themselves.
In 2013, Tamir and Mitchell from Harvard showed that most people do something called “anchoring.” It is a kind of cognitive bias where:
[people] invoke their own experiences as a guide for inferring the experiences of another person.
As an example, you might feel uncomfortable in crowds. So when someone describes a big party they attended, you assume they were describing a negative experience. Even if they, personally, love big parties.
More recently (2018), Meyer and Lieberman proposed a theory about why people are always thinking about themselves. There is a certain area of the brain (MPFC/DA 10) that is sort of the “default network” area. It gets activated when the brain is at rest and not engaged in external demands. Their imaging work confirmed that it is also the same area that lights up when we think about ourselves.
In other words, our brain’s default is to think about ourselves.
So the research supports this truth. We talk about ourselves more than anything else. We use our own experiences to make assumptions about other people. And our brain is wired to think about ourselves when it’s not engaged in other external demands.
The research is pretty clear. We’re mostly thinking about ourselves.
So when you feel judged, it’s because you’re judging yourself
Let’s reframe our negative thoughts and assumptions about ourselves for a moment.
When I am worried that someone thinks I’m too intense. Or that I’m not doing a good job at a presentation at work. Who is actually thinking that?
Me. I’m thinking about myself and believing those thoughts. But are other people judging me in the same way?
The biggest truth is that we have no idea what other people are thinking and we never will.
But the most likely scenario is that the people around me are wondering what I think about them. Or something else related to themselves. And I’m the only one thinking all those negative thoughts about myself. Because I’m only a blip on the radar of the thoughts of anyone else.
The truth about what people think about us goes something like the quote from Bette Midler in Beaches. Yes, I know, but the quote is good:
Enough about me, let’s talk about you. What do you think of me?
Sometimes people will say judgmental things, but it’s not what you think
All this isn’t to say that people will never judge you, say mean things to you, or think negative thoughts about you. That isn’t true. I mean, we’ve all been on the internet.
But my perspective on these things is that often, these judgements aren’t actually about us. At least not only about us.
Again, the research from the Tamir & Mitchell paper (and others) says that people use their own thoughts and experiences as an “anchor” for their assumptions about other people.
What I’ve seen is that people are often the harshest and most judgmental about parts of other people that they are insecure about in themselves.
So the next time someone calls you something mean or makes a judgement about you and how you live your life. Instead of internalizing it and making it mean something about you. Ask yourself, what does it mean about them? What negative thoughts do they have about themselves that “anchor” their belief about you?
The absolute freedom in realizing that nobody is thinking about you
When you realize that most people’s thoughts are about themselves. When you actually internalize this concept, the freedom is incredible.
It means, I can do my work presentation and believe whatever I want about how I did.
It means, I can wear whatever I want and accept that I like the outfit.
The possibilities are endless.
This shift might not happen overnight. And it won’t exist all the time. Nothing is perfect, absolute, or black and white.
But the next time you find yourself feeling completely judged. The next time you are overcome with the belief that other people are thinking mean, terrible, horrible thoughts about you.
Remember, you have no idea what they’re actually thinking. But it’s unlikely to be about you. And more likely to be about themselves.
So you’re free to think anything you want, good or bad. And remove the inner monologue from your mind and return to the present moment.
What a relief.
(ME–trying to show the world that I’m color blind)
Cookie Borrowers
You’ve done it before, haven’t you?
Even as an adult,
maybe even more so as an adult,
I’ve kifed my share of cookies when no one was looking
or better, at home.
I’ve got great alibi’s too. . .
G R A N D K I D S
I can always say,
“I bet the kids stuffed their pockets or book bags with those cookies!”
Or, just the lame,
“Geez, I don’t know what happened to those cookies.”
So. . .what are you?
A Cookie Stealer?
A Cookie Borrower?
A Cookie Sharer?
I love the story,
you probably do to,
or at least, now you will. . .
Ben was still a little boy who had no great alibi’s. . .
no kids,
no grandkids,
no brothers or sisters. . .
Just Ben. . .
But, Ben possessed something that most don’t ever have:
An Imagination!
He knew how to use it as well. . .
Ben smelled the cookies
baking all the way from his homeroom in school. . .
When he got home from school,
the smell was the most sweetest,
best smelling ever. . .
Heaven on Earth
is when you get home from school
and the air is more filled
with fresh baked cookies than oxygen,
A N D
there’s a note from mom, saying,
“I had to go run some errands I’ll be back very shortly,”
And then in real bold,
Black Permanent Marker letters,
D O N O T E A T C O O K I E S !
Uhhhhhhhhhhh, Really?
He’s a boy. . .
He’s hungry. . .
Cookies are begging him
if he as one single taste bud to
A T T A C K
until thoroughly conquered.
He does. . .
Mom comes home
and finds the obvious. . .
a lack of cookies on the tray
and in the jar,
even though Ben strategically rearranged them
to look as if not one had been broached
let alone eaten. . .
Mom’s good. . .
r e a l g o o d
and lays down some
G o d l y M o t h e r l y
I N Q U I S I T I O N I N G
that would buckle the strongest of knees:
“Did you eat any of the cookies I told you NOT to eat?”
“N o p e,”
Ben shoots back over his shoulders. . .
“Now, you know God was right here when you stole those cookies, right?”
“Y u p,”
Ben says, wiping the last of the cookie crumb evidence from his mouth. . .
“And you know he was looking at you the whole time, right?”
“Y u p,”
“And just what do you think he was trying to tell you?”
“I think he was saying, ‘There’s no one here but the two of us–TAKE TWO!'”
Classic, right?
Classic, except,
we’ve all been caught red handed,
crumbs on the lips,
milk mustachioed,
belly-filled-not-so-little-kids-anymore, huh?
I guess it’s alright to be caught red handed
every once in a while. . .
especially if that every once in a while
also includes getting caught red handed
b o r r o w e r s
and even more,
s h a r e r s
Bake me up a batch of
T H O S E
c o o k i e s and I guarantee,
the air won’t just smell sweeter. . .
Life itself will suddenly become
i r r e s i s t i b l e t a s t y
with your hand
in and out of the
C o o k i e J a r!
Hey,
Want a Cookie–
Why not T W O ?
Rat Poison Mints
All lies aren’t the same . . .
Some taste a little more sour than others
. . .and none are very nourishing.
Sometimes only a lie can only be trumped by another lie
(more devastatingly deceiving than the original)
It started off simply enough. . .
It was Summer and we were all at my Grandmother’s house and it was after Supper. She told us that we had had enough snacks for the night.
And most likely I would gotten away with it, but I didn’t get rid of the little red wrapper that the two little mints were packaged.
When my Grandmother asked who had
s n e a k e d
the candy. . .
no one fessed up.
She asked the question again,
“Who took the candy that I said “no” to?”
S I L E N C E
“Well, whoever ate it better tell me now, because it was rat poison that tasted like candy and if you don’t get a glass of milk right away,
Y O U W I L L D I E !”
It was just about that time, my cousin, Pam, walked into the kitchen, unbeknownst to all of this rat-poison-candy-eating-milk-drinking-antidote talk, she asked,
“Can I have a glass of milk,”
At which time my Grandmother thought she had found her candy thief
and better still,
I thought that I had my scapegoat and I didn’t have to come forward and admit to anything
E X C E P T
I started feeling a little sick to my stomach because my Grandmother had planted the seed that I had, in fact, eaten Rat Poison and must have the much needed glass of milk that my cousin had innocently asked.
“Uhhhhh, Nan, you’d better give me that glass of milk. I’m the one who ate the Rat Poison.”
B U S T E D
I remember my Grandfather was livid that my Grandmother would do such a thing, but she never apologized for her search and loyalty to the
T R U T H. . .
Ohhhhh, what a lesson she taught me that day. . .
I can’t eat a butter mint without thinking of that night in my Grandparents kitchen,
and I can’t remember drinking milk since then. . .
Have I ever lied since. . .?
W E L L. . .
Mostly to myself
Have I paid for those un-truthful ways. . . ?
More than a Dairy Farm of Milk could ever drown
Y O U ?
The TRUTH
doesn’t always set you free
especially from ways you’ve never recognized bondage;
but it sure does modify
Perspective
. . .and sometimes that’s just a not-so-warm-cookie-out-of-the-oven
that doesn’t much taste good no matter what your choice of drink. . .
Have You ever been Rat Poisoned before?
Any good
a n t i d o t e s. . .
?
The Mistreated Waitress
She was less than a shadow;
most in her position are:
A waitress,
actually a little too old to be one
and still dishing up a mean plate of kung pao
and an even bigger saucer of kindness. . .
She had served us well
and went over to serve him
. . .apparently not so well;
THREE WORDS:
H E W A S R U D E
(v e r y)
He didn’t so much order
(chop suey, with rice, NO NOODLES)
as he COMMANDED;
a beer
whiskey on the rocks
water
and she just smiled almost continuously after one rude comment after another and even more insulting gestures as to where she was suppose to put on the table, each thing he had barked for her to bring;
It was strange. . .
we thought, watching him count a roll of 50 dollar bills in the midst of his unwarranted tirade. . .
and for a brief moment, it crossed my mind to say something to him;
to call him on his crudeness;
Seriously, what’s a true Caring Catalyst to do. . .
especially when
this caring catalyst
is the definition of
non-confrontational
AND THEN IT SLEDGE HAMMER HIT ME:
(and it hasn’t stopped)
I triple tipped her that night
(once for her, once for him, and once: JUST BECAUSE)
HE WAS ABOUT TO MAKE A BIG DIFFERENCE IN HER LIFE. . .
I WANTED TO MAKE SURE I MADE A BIGGER DIFFERENCE
R U D E M A N
and overly accommodating-serving-more-than-a-shadow-waitress
taught me in living vivid color:
When someone doesn’t make a difference
M A K E S U R E Y O U D O !
E M B A R R A S S E D
What’s your most embarrassing moment?
Can you share it and not still feel embarrassed?
How many people know about this most embarrassing moment you’ve ever had?
Who is involved in it. . .
Who sought out this most embarrassing incident you ever had. . .
I always thought it was when I filed for bankruptcy;
when I got a divorce;
when I got fired from a job;
when I failed a test and was called out in front of the whole 6th grade class;
when I wasn’t able to show up more times than not to one of my kids or grandkids activities;
when I said the wrong hurtful thing in front of a crowd
at my student church when I had a Huge Freudian slip and directed peoples attention to the beautiful CENTERFOLD on the piano instead of the floral CENTERPIECE PIECE;
T R U T H. . .
When I saw this video I became embarrassed. . .
I became embarrassed
because I’ve had the biggest lead in my life
and I don’t know that I’ve done much with it. . .
or as much as I absolutely could have done
W I T H I T;
especially when compared to others
I’ve been light years ahead because of
M Y P R I V I L E G E
F A C T :
I can’t think of one thing
that would be more embarrassing
literally for the rest of my life:
After seeing this small clip not been different because of it or worse living differently
Y o u. . .
Are you embarrassed,
even slightly
because, like me,
you’ve gotten this tremendous head start
and not done as much as you could/would/should have. . .
L I K E M E
it doesn’t make us better RACERS
It doesn’t make us more Competitive
It doesn’t make us more Hall of Fame Champions
It just makes me Embarrassed;
Even more Embarrassed
if it comes across
P R E A C H Y
because’s there a Scripture at the end
THAT EVERY MAJOR RELIGION
and all the minor Ones
e s p o u s e:
L O V E O N E A N O T H E R
I N W O R D, T A L K, I N D E E D, A N D I N T R U T H
Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. . .
doesn’t that apply to all of us. . .
or is it too
E M B A R R A S S I N G
t o a d m i t
?
A LYING CARING CATALYST?
E V E R TELL A L I E ?
Ever really think that:
Sometimes, Honesty
Is Not The Best
Policy. . .
Ever say:
Liar, liar pants on fire. . .
No one wants to get caught in a lie and appear to be dishonest or deceptive. But does telling a lie actually make you either of those things?
THE ULTIMATE TRUE OR FALSE:
Is there anything
C A R I N G C A T A L Y S T
a b o u t T H A T. . .
The truth is, there are some advantages to lying; and they aren’t always for self-gain. Sometimes people choose to lie to protect others and spare their feelings. Because let’s face it, the truth hurts.
Why do we even lie?
We all need to take a moment to be honest with ourselves and admit that we all lie. It is in our innate nature to deceive and sometimes protect.
Yes, we sometimes tell lies to cover up bad behavior, manipulate others, or rise to power and attain what we want.
But we also lie to spare the feelings of others, avoid unnecessary conflict, or to simply brighten up someone’s day.
Dishonesty is in our nature.
Researchers believe that the act of lying came into play after the development of language. It is the evolution of deceptive strategy, just as animals use camouflage to deceive their predators or prey.
In terms of efficiency, lying is the easiest way to rise to power and attain resources. If your enemy is larger and stronger than you, then physical force will not be very effective. But if you are able to outwit and manipulate your enemy; not only can you acquire their resources, but make them believe that it was their idea own idea.
How often do we lie?
This of course is relative to the individual. The frequency of lying was first documented by social psychologist Bella DePaulo.
She asked 147 individuals to record their blips of dishonesty throughout the day. On average, her subjects lied at least twice a day. The lies themselves were relatively harmless in nature; innocuous excuses for instances such as lateness. Or fibs that present a false image; saying that you ran 5 miles instead of the truthful 2.
We’ve been fibbing since we learned to talk.
In actuality, we are conditioned to lie at a young age. Didn’t your parents tell you to always thank your host for that “delicious” meal that you had to choke down? Social graces aside, it’s still a lie.
Children typically learn to lie between the ages of 2-5. Kang Lee, a psychologist from the University of Toronto studied children between the ages of 2-8 to gauge the kind of lies that children tell.
When children first begin to lie at the age of 2, it is an indication that they are starting to test out their independence. They lie simply to see what they can get away with.
By the age of 8, the children actually have the capacity of lying to spare the feelings of others. The results of the study actually found that these lies are motivated by empathy and compassion rather than deceit and manipulation.
Lying is a reflection of our goals.
Sometimes you don’t even need to open your mouth to tell a lie. A simple facial expression is enough to convey a mistruth.
Embellishments, exaggerations, these are the close counterparts to outright lies. But in this case, these lies are almost never malicious. But in fact, a projection of one’s aspirations.
In an experiment conducted by Robert Feldman, he questioned a number of students about their grades and efforts in school. Most of them were dishonest about their actual grades. But instead of becoming anxious as most people do amidst a lie, they became incredibly engaged and excited to boast about their achievements.
“We lie if honesty won’t work”- Tim Levine
Is there a difference between moral and immoral lying? If we’re being honest with ourselves, the answer is a resounding yes. Some lies are well intentioned- meant to protect those who are being lied to.
Lying has even been found to have psychological benefits for the liar. Those who are extremely honest with themselves are more prone to depression than those who are not. Overtly honest people are often construed as blunt, sometimes even pathological.
There are even interpersonal benefits to be gained from lying and knowing when it is okay to do so. In fact, if someone detects that you have lied to them to protect them, it could increase the trust that they have in you.
These well intentioned lies are known as pro-social lies.
Lying for the better good.
Pro-social lying involves four distinct constructs of human capacity: theory of mind, compassion, memory and imagination.
In this case, our choice to lie is a result of moral and emotional reasoning. We prioritize kindness over the importance of truth to spare other persons involved. As our brains develop, our moral reasoning progresses at the same rate as self-control as well as cognitive ability.
Further still, the most selfless of lies is known as a blue lie. These lies tend to be altruistic falsities that are actually told at the cost of the liar to protect someone else. In this case, we might subject ourselves to punishment for the wrongdoing of others.
Honestly, lying isn’t so bad.
What determines the magnitude of the lie is the intent behind it. Lies that are told to protect others can actually help to strengthen relationships. Other lies that are told to embellish ones image are debatably harmless.
It all boils down to one fact- we all have our reasons for the lies that we tell and the facts that we choose not to share. At the end of the day and the beginning of any others, what we don’t know won’t hurt us. Sometimes a tiny lie is necessary to ensure that all is well and all runs smoothly.
Maybe this is the better question:
WHAT’S YOUR INTENTION ?
Is it to be hurtful. . .
Is it to be helpful. . .
Will this LIE better YOU ?
Will this LIE lessen Another ?
Will it reflect the greatest glaring flaw of being a Caring Catalyst. . .
T R U T H S:
When you have a chance to be RIGHT or KIND
ALL-WAYS. . A L W A Y S
BE K I N D
THERE’S ALWAYS MORE THAN ONE SIDE OF THE TRUTH
R E S P E C T O T H E R S
B E K I N D
Just Don’t See all sides of the TRUTH
B E A C A R I N G C A T A L Y S T:
R E C O G N I Z E
it’s m u l t i c o l o r s. . .
T R U T H F U L L Y
G E N U I N E L Y
A C C U R A T E L Y
A U T H E N I C A L L Y
V E R A C I O U S L Y
Be in A W E of it A L L
HappiMESS
What brings a Smile to your face?
Are you Happy?
What made you that way. . .
A person. . .
A place. . .
A possession. . .
An object. . .
An Act. . .
An animal. . .
A Dream. . .
A Destination. . .
What makes you Happy?
Martin Seligman, the Papa of Positive Psychology,
Theorizes that about 60% of Happiness
is actually determined
by our genetics and environment. . .
The remaining 40%
is up to U S. . .
Seligman more than hints
that really HAPPY PEOPLE
have habits that can actually
Be introduced
into their everyday lives. . .
T R U E
o r
F A L S E ?
I can’t tell you
The TWELVE WAYS TO OPEN YOUR HEART
or HOW TO NEVER HAVE A SAD MOMENT
not bad titles for books or articles
but it seems that Being
A C A R I N G C A T A L Y S T
and being Happy have a lot of similarities. . .
B O T H
Put Others First
B O T H
Put Character Before Conformity
B O T H
Put WE before ME
B O T H
Place Cause before Comfort
B O T H
Place Risk before Reward. . .
Seligman spoke of three kinds of
H A P P Y L I V E S:
P L E A S A N T
(only seeking pleasure)
E N G A G E D
(investing in work or others)
M E A N I N G F U L
(living for something larger than yourself)
It’s really more than a
M A Y B E
isn’t it?
Ultimate
A u t h e n t i c
H a p p i n e s s
comes in giving ourselves
to something larger
than ourselves. . .
The t r u t h ?
The difference between
H A P P I N E S S
and a
H A P P I M E S S
is more than just one letter removed
from the alphabet. . .
But maybe you have another idea. . .
S H O W M E