It really is more than a “Hey, how are you doing today,” kind of a question, isn’t it? Most of the time when we ask that question we’re really not wanting and certainly not even expecting an answer. And. . .if we really want a different answer maybe we need to be asking a different question. . .Here’s another way to ask, “Hey, how are you doing?” Or even, “Hey, how was your day?”
It’s a basic, boring question—and one said on repeat to your partner or your friends each time you reconnect after a long day: “How was your day?” The response is usually, “Fine. Yours?” Then, “Fine.” And just like that, a question that’s meant to be an open-ended conversation starter becomes an intimacy dead end. So, how do you make catching up with each other more meaningful and relationship-affirming? To begin, you’re going to want to reframe your original question. Here’s why:
According to The Science of People, the “how was your day?” trap begins when this question becomes a logistical check-in as opposed to a chance to glean deeper details about your partner’s experience (who they are and how they’re changing as they navigate their life). Unless you pepper in a series of follow-ups, it almost always warrants a vague response or one-word answer.
The solution? Specificity. You want to choose a question that will force your partner to say something deeper or—at the very least—solicit more details from them about their emotional experience. The following questions are alternatives to the dreaded “how was your day?” and ones that encourage a combination of specificity, but more importantly vulnerability and openness.
Questions to Ask Instead of ‘How Was Your Day?’
- What was the best part of your day?
2. Did anything surprise you today?
3. Did you read/listen to anything interesting today?
4. Did you take any photos today? What of?
5. Was there any juicy office gossip from today?
6. What did you do that was just for you today?
7. What do you wish you did more of today?
8. What do you wish you did less of today?
9. What made you laugh today?
10. Did anything make you feel frustrated today?
11. Did you receive any good news today?
12. How many cups of coffee did you have today?
13. What are you most grateful for about your day?
14. What was the best conversation you had today?
15. Tell me three good things that happened to you today.
16. What did you have for lunch today?
17. What inspired you the most today?
18. What is something you did today that you’d love to do every day?
19. Did you do something kind for anyone today?
20. If you could do any part of today over again, what would it be and why?
21. When did you feel appreciated today?
22. If you could guarantee one thing for tomorrow, what would it be?
23. If your day turned into a movie, who would you cast?
24. Will you remember any specific part of your day a year from now? Five years? How come?
25. Aren’t you going to ask me about my day?
I got noodling some of the alternatives and then I started thinking., “What would I want somebody to ask me or what can I ask somebody to get a different response; because I know it sounds simple, but sometimes different equals difference so how was your day? See, there’s another way to ask, “How was your day,” and in fact, expect a different kind of an answer that may make a difference, not only for the one who asks it, but the one who answers it, and in either case, BE THAT ONE!
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