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AFTER LIFE
Tony had a perfect life — until his wife Lisa died. After that tragic event, the formerly nice guy changed. After contemplating taking his life, Tony decides he would rather live long enough to punish the world by saying and doing whatever he likes. He thinks of it as a superpower — not caring about himself or anybody else — but it ends up being trickier than he envisioned when his friends and family try to save the nice guy that they used to know. Golden Globe winner Ricky Gervais stars in the comedy series, which he also writes and directs. Mind you, THIS IS NOT PRETTY; GRIEF seldom is and what it is during this three season hiatus is downright PROFANE at times; UGLINESS at its worst and yet deep within its TRUTH. I have shown a clip or two from this show before which makes these series of clips a little different, a little difficult and hopefully, a little more digestible for that which is most distasteful for all of us…dare I say, ENJOY. . . ?
Hmmmmmmmm. . .
Maybe like Tony, there’s been some things in our lives that make us feel like him, that
“NOT CARING is a Superpower; CARING ABOUT STUFF; THAT’S WHAT REALLY MATTERS!” but we’re not a NETLIX episode or series that we can turn off or on or yes, put on PAUSE. . .
WE ALL COME WITH EXPIRATION DATES
which means we’re one DATE closer than we’ve ever been before
BUT THE GOOD NEWS
is that we can be more kind, more loving, more compassionate than ever before because knowing
THAT WE WILL EXPIRE
also means not so much postponing the DATE
but living lovingly today. . .
IF DEATH IS INEVITABLE
LET’S MAKE SURE OUR LOVING IS, TOO. . .
BEYOND RELATIVITY
When Albert Einstein met Charlie Chaplin in 1931, Einstein said, “What I admire most about your art is its universality. You do not say a word, and yet the world understands you.”
“It’s true.” Replied Chaplin, “But your fame is even greater. The world admires you, when no one understands you.”
BEYOND RELATIVITY
is not BEING a Caring Catalyst. . .
IT IS MAKING SOMEONE FEEL LIKE
THEY ARE IN THE PRESENCE OF ONE
WITHOUT SAYING A WORD
OR FULLY UNDERSTANDING
HOW YOU CAN MAKE THE HAIR STAND UP ON THEIR ARMS
AND TINGLE LIKE IN NO OTHER WAY
just by how you treat them
Pssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssst:
NEWS FLASH
It
Ain’t
ROCKET SCIENCE
(It can readily be proven but seldom is. . .CHANGE THAT!)
EMOTIONALLY SECURE
BUT DOES IT REALLY. . . ?
There are so many things in life that takes us from
FORT KNOX SECURE
to I’m afraid of my own shadow
I N S E C U R E
. . .just how can you tell
HOW SECURE YOU ARE. . . ?
Harvard-trained psychologist:
If you use any of these 9 phrases
every day,
‘you’re more emotionally secure
than most’
Emotionally secure people are empowered, confident and comfortable in their own skin. They walk the world with authenticity and conviction, and do what is meaningful to them.
As a Harvard-trained psychologist, Dr. Courtney Warren says, “I’ve found that this sense of self-assuredness makes them better able to navigate conflict and be vulnerable with others, mostly because they aren’t looking for external validation.“
“But takes a lot of work to get there. If you use any of these nine phrases, you’re more emotionally secure than most people:
1. “Let me think about that before I respond.”
One of the most noticeable characteristics of emotionally secure people is that they articulate themselves well. They choose their responses carefully and aren’t impulsive in their reactions.
Similar phrases:
- “I’m really frustrated and need some time to myself. I don’t want to say something I might regret later.”
- “I don’t have an answer right now. Can we revisit this conversation tomorrow?”
2. “No.”
Emotionally secure people feel comfortable setting boundaries. They are clear about what they will and will not do based on their own moral principles, needs and desires.
Similar phrases:
- “I’m sorry, but I can’t help with that because I have too many other commitments.”
- “Thank you for the offer, but that’s not something I enjoy doing.”
3. “I’m not comfortable with that.”
They always communicate their needs in a respectful way. This means they state how they feel when someone treats them poorly. If they feel their boundaries are being violated, they’ll take action to make changes.
Similar phrases:
- “When you say things like that, I feel hurt and angry.”
- “If you treat me like this, I’m going to step away because it’s not healthy for me.”
4. “This is who I am, and I’m proud of it.”
They are consistent in how they operate in the world. This makes being around them predictable and safe because friends and loved ones know that they are who they say they are.
Similar phrases:
- “What you see is what you get.”
- “You may not like this about me, but I am okay with it.”
5. “Am I like that?”
Emotionally secure people are able to consider criticism without lashing out. If they receive negative feedback, they don’t take it personally. Instead, they see it as an opportunity for self-improvement.
Similar phrases:
- “I didn’t realize I do that so often. Thank you for pointing it out.”
- “Wow, I guess I really do say that phrase a lot.”
6. “I will work on that.”
In meaningful relationships, emotionally secure people will make an effort to change when necessary. They know that taking action is key to personal growth and strengthening connections.
Similar phrases:
- “I hear that this is important to you, so I’ll work on being more compassionate when I talk to you.”
- “I’m not very good at being patient. I’m going to practice being less pushy.”
7. “I’m sorry you’re struggling. How can I help?”
Their empathic and non-judgmental nature in relationships makes them great at being supportive. They also understand that if someone is having a bad day, it isn’t a reflection on them.
Similar phrases:
- “You look upset, and I’d like to help.”
- “I see that this is hard for you, but you have my support.”
8. “This matters to me.”
Having a solid belief system is key to being emotionally secure because it guides our choices. When a value is violated, emotionally secure people are able to take a stance for what they believe is moral and fair.
Similar phrases:
- “I really care about this, even if you don’t.”
- “I don’t think you’re acting in an ethical way, and I can’t watch it happen without standing up for what I believe is humane.”
9. “I will try!”
Emotionally secure people have cultivated a sense of inner safety that tells them they will be okay, even if a new effort fails. This allows them to experiment with new things, such as hobbies, friendships, travels and even personal coping strategies.
Similar phrases:
- “I’ll try that next time.”
- “I may not be good at this, but I’m willing to give it a shot!”
Some fairly embraceably questionable thoughts, huh? So how did you fair? Do you still have some growing to do; are you securely insecure?
GROWING into any one of these nine factors truly is a FACTOR. . .especially as a Caring Catalyst; your nearly top of the list goals is simply:
LIGHTING EACH OTHER HOME
This is a story I first heard from the gifted storyteller Laura Packer. I can’t say where it originated. I keep retelling it in my own way, because the world keeps needing to hear it.
In the beginning, there was only light and dark. During the day, the sky was bright white. No clouds, no blue. Just white. At night, the sky was completely black. No stars, no moon. Just black. And because this was the way the world was, you always stayed home. If you were ever caught far from your village when the sky went dark, you were never heard from again.
So, folks lived their entire lives in the same place, with the same people. And while they said they were happy living this way, in their heart of hearts they longed to see what they couldn’t see, to meet the people they suspected were out there but couldn’t meet. Yet they accepted that this was how the world was and would always be.
Then a certain girl came into the world. And this girl loved the world so much! During the white-sky hours, she’d explore and play as she wandered with her mother, gathering food for the family. In the black-sky hours, she’d listen to her father’s stories about the sights he saw while hunting around the village.
Each night, before she fell asleep, she’d say to her mother, “Mama, I want to visit other places. Please, will you take me? Can we go?”
And every night, her mother would say, “Oh, honey—we can’t! It isn’t safe. The world’s too dark. We’d get lost and never return!”
But you know how children are—how their dreams can creep into your heart and become your dreams too. So one night, when the girl asked, for the gazillionth time, “Mama, can we go? Please?” the woman said, “I’ll think about it.”
And she did. She thought for days as she gathered grasses and roots and berries to eat. She thought as she sat talking with the other women and as she listened to her husband’s stories. She thought as she wove reeds into baskets and thatched the roof of their house.
Then one night, while sitting with her family, gazing into the fire, she had an idea.
She got up and mixed water and clay. She made a pot from the mud. Then she made a lid for the pot. She placed these things in the fire and baked them until they were as hard as stone.
When the fire began to die out, she scooped up a potful of embers and covered it with the lid. She then lay down beside her daughter.
“Mama, can we go? Can we go?” the girl asked.
“I’m still thinking,” the mother said.
In the morning, the woman lifted the lid to look inside the pot. The embers were still glowing red. So that night when her daughter said, “Please, Mama, please—are you done thinking? Can we go?” the woman said, “Yes, in the morning we will go.”
As soon as the sky was white again, the mother and daughter packed up as much food and water as they could carry. They said their goodbyes. Then the woman took up her pot full of embers, and the two of them started walking.
They walked and they walked until the sky started to turn black. They stopped then and collected a pile of twigs and sticks. The mother poured out her embers on them. Soon they had a blazing fire. And when the sky was black-black, they sat around their fire, huddled as close as they could. From the darkness beyond their little ring of light came the growls and the howls of prowling animals. Just before they fell asleep, the mother put some live coals from the fire into her pot.
They woke up when the sky was white again. The woman dropped a few twigs into the pot to feed the embers. Then she and her daughter began to walk under the white-white sky. They sang and they told stories.
Just before the world went black-black again, they built another fire. They huddled close, listening to the night sounds and watching the sparks fly up.
Then the woman had an idea.
With the pot lid, she scooped up some coals from the fire. Then she flung them toward the sky, as far as she could. She was very strong, and those embers flew higher and higher until they stuck fast in the black.
And it was very good.
So the woman tossed up another lid-full of embers, this time back in the direction of their village. And those embers also stuck to the black.
Now her daughter wanted to try. Even she could send those embers flying. Before long, the way home was twinkling over half the sky.
Morning after morning, the mother and daughter continued their journey. And every night, they would cast more embers up into the sky, which was still black-black yet now sparkling as it never had before. The mother and daughter knew they’d never get lost.
After weeks of walking, they reached a village. The people there were astonished to see them.
“How did you get here?” they asked. “How did you not vanish in the dark nights?”
And the woman and her daughter showed the villagers the pot of coals. As soon as the world went black, they pointed out the path they had taken across the night sky.
“Throw some embers from your fires into the sky,” the woman told the villagers.
“Here,” her daughter said, “use the lid of our pot.”
And the villagers did.
The next day, the mother and daughter moved on. As they went, they always painted a shimmering path above them. And everywhere they went, they taught the people they met how to toss embers from their fires into the night sky.
So it is that we learned to light the way home for one another.
PEOPLE PLEASER
It’s really sneaky, in fact for me, it starts out with this one simple thing: CAN’T WE ALL JUST GET ALONG? I mean we all share the same biology can’t we just get along and make sure that we live and let live and if at any give opportunity, give someone the benefit of the doubt? Maybe that’s what starts out for me, being a perpetually habitual lifelong people pleaser. . .and just when I think I am way past that and though it’s on my map, it’s in a place I use to be, but no longer am until I’m suddenly NOT. . .
That urge to BE ALL THINGS TO ALL PEOPLE THAT I MAY SAVE SOME AND SERVE ALL still JACK-OUT-OF-THE-BOX jumps out of me; hence, I’m always interested in any information that identifies the PEOPLE PLEASER in me and more, hints at what to do about it
People-pleasers are at a higher risk
of burnout,
says Harvard-trained psychologist—
how to spot the signs. . .
Westend61 | Westend61 | Getty Images
The price of being a people-pleaser can be steep — especially for your mental health.
People-pleasers are especially prone to burnout at work, says Debbie Sorensen, a Harvard-trained clinical psychologist based in Denver.
″They tend to be very kind, thoughtful people, which makes it that much harder for them to set boundaries, not take on too much work or get emotionally invested in their jobs,” says Sorensen.
And being a constant yes-person is a double-edged sword: You might feel guilty telling others “no,” and resentment every time you say “yes.”
You don’t need to let go of your people-pleasing tendencies entirely to avoid burnout — past research has shown that being polite, friendly and supportive at work are all important traits that can help you be more productive and happier in your job.
The difference, Sorensen explains, is that people-pleasers tend to have difficulty setting boundaries, which can be “really exhausting” and lead to “chronic stress,” she warns.
3 signs people-pleasing is hurting your mental health and career
If you frequently take on more responsibility than you can comfortably manage because you’re afraid of disappointing someone, your people-pleasing tendencies could be pushing you to the brink of burnout.
While people-pleasing looks different for everyone at work, Sorensen says there are three common signs to watch out for:
- Saying “yes” to every request for help, even if it interrupts your own work
- Disregarding your feelings when something is done or said that upsets you because you fear potential conflict
- Agreeing to unrealistic assignment deadlines
People-pleasing isn’t just dangerous for your career because it can lead to burnout — it can make you lose sight of your own needs and professional goals.
“When you are constantly putting other people’s needs before your own, it becomes that much harder to focus on your work and advance in your career,” says Sorenson.
How to stop being a people-pleaser at work and avoid burnout
The first step in alleviating overwhelm and burnout is learning how to set boundaries.
“It can be uncomfortable to set boundaries at work, but next time you’re tempted to pile more responsibilities on your plate, pause and ask yourself if you really want, or need, to take that on. And fight the knee-jerk reaction to say ‘yes’ to everything,” says Sorensen.
Curbing burnout and letting go of the habits that might be doing you more harm than good is an imperfect process that takes time, says Sorensen, so be consistent in your efforts, but try to avoid the pitfalls of self-criticism.
Don’t look at saying “no” as a reflection of your self-worth or capabilities. Instead, think of setting boundaries as you protecting your energy, goals and priorities so you can be a more effective employee, says Sorensen.
“You just have to keep tuning in and reminding yourself that time off from work, in any amount, is really, really important,” she adds, whether it’s resisting the urge to work after-hours or taking a longer lunch break. “We all deserve the time and space to recharge.”
BEING A CARING CATALYST doesn’t mean fulfilling every need, every time, it means taking the Light of your day and sharing as it has been shared; no need to ever make the SIMPLE, COMPLICATED–EVER
LIGHTING ANOTHER’S CANDLE IS THE SUREST WAY TO MAKE SURE THAT NEITHER OF YOU WILL EVER WALK IN DARKNESS. . .or suffer from BURNOUT
A LETTER TO YOUR HIGH SCHOOL SELF
With Proms mostly over and High School Graduations very much on the the horizon, somehow this song, these words seem very appropriate. . .
Letter To My High School Self (Be Kind) By JJ Heller, David Heller, and Ginny Owens
I’m writing you this letter ‘Cause I’ve walked in your shoes I hope that you will read this When you’re feeling confused
The hardest part of high school Is living in between The person you’re becoming And the kid you used to be
Dizzy from highs and lows You can’t see which way to go I’ve been there too Here’s what you do
Be kind Be strong Believe You belong Love God Work hard Just be who you are
You want to feel important But don’t be fooled by fame ‘Cause everyone who loves you Already knows your name
And when you have a house someday There won’t be trophies on display There’s so much more Worth living for
Be kind Be strong Believe You belong Love God Work hard Just be who you are
Let go of the last times Celebrate the first times And keep your heart wide open
Be kind Be strong Believe You belong Forgive Yourself Don’t be afraid to ask for help Love God Work hard Just be who you are. . .
AND JUST WHAT WOULD YOU WRITE TO YOUR HIGH SCHOOL SELF
Psssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssst. . .
THAT HIGH SCHOOL SELF
IS STILL HERE
Hopefully
L I S T E N I N G
L E A R N I N G
L O V I N G
(always loving, hoping for a little love in return and finding, having, keeping it)
PROTECTED PRESENCE
It seems like it’s raining no where you happen to be in the World and even if the sun is shining, it’s a kind of rain that produces no rainbow, at least none with any ohhhh/ahhhhh breath-taking-stop-your-car-on-the-side-of-the-highway-take-a-bad-picture-kind-of-a-Rainbow; and at best if there’s anything good that can come from this kind of rain is someone willing to share their umbrella to hold space, to provide a protected presence that’s not so willingly given and even harder, at times, to accept.
Yeah, that kind of presence
For the past couple of years, one of the most requested presentations I do is called, HOLDING SPACE–WALKING EACH OTHER HOME, and like any of the presentations I’ve ever done, though done dozens of times, not one has ever been done the same way, twice. . .on purpose. That’s why I never PowerPoint or do hand-outs because even in the middle of a presentation I might tell a story, share a poem, provide an intervention that I haven’t done in previous presentations or may be in any future one to come.
And that’s how it was last night for the HOLDING SPACE presentation where not only CEU’s were provided for nurses and social workers, but oh yes, dinner was served with unlimited amounts of wine. I couldn’t resist encouraging the group that they more they drank, the better I would sound and then, the magic took place. I talked, and they did more than simply listen; THEY HELD MY SPACE, which I highly complemented them because the greatest presentation, I’ve always believed and strived to achieve, is not the one that’s told or heard, but the one that’s experienced.
Out of the new differences I added to this presentation was the following poem by Ellen Bass
IF YOU KNEW
Ellen Bass
What if you knew you’d be the last
to touch someone?
If you were taking tickets, for example,
at the theater, tearing them,
giving back the ragged stubs,
you might take care to touch that palm,
brush your fingertips
along the life line’s crease.
When a man pulls his wheeled suitcase
too slowly through the airport, when
the car in front of me doesn’t signal,
when the clerk at the pharmacy
won’t say Thank you, I don’t remember
they’re going to die.
A friend told me she’d been with her aunt.
They’d just had lunch and the waiter,
a young gay man with plum black eyes,
joked as he served the coffee, kissed
her aunt’s powdered cheek when they left.
Then they walked half a block and her aunt
dropped dead on the sidewalk.
How close does the dragon’s spume
have to come? How wide does the crack
in heaven have to split?
What would people look like
if we could see them as they are,
soaked in honey, stung and swollen,
reckless, pinned against time?
Just a few months ago when I was the last speaker at a workshop, I literally wrote the following poem, waiting for my turn to present the HOLDING SPACE talk. . .uh, yeah, I added it that talk and last night’s one as well:
PROTECTED PRESENCE
I’m Broken
and I’ve lost a lot of my pieces
I don’t exactly remember when I
Humpty-Dumptied if off the wall
No recollection of all the Kings men
and all of the horses they rode in on
But I know. . .ohhh how I know
How I’ve not been put back together again
and when you dare to
provide protective presence
and choose to hold me
It’s not so much of an Embrace
as a specific piece that never existed
You’ve brought to me
A wholeness I’ve not known
but now never want to forget
or ever want to be without
and I’ve lost a lot of my pieces
I don’t exactly remember when I
Humpty-Dumptied if off the wall
No recollection of all the Kings men
and all of the horses they rode in on
But I know. . .ohhh how I know
How I’ve not been put back together again
and when you dare to
provide protective presence
and choose to hold me
It’s not so much of an Embrace
as a specific piece that never existed
You’ve brought to me
A wholeness I’ve not known
but now never want to forget
or ever want to be without
DID YOU NOTICE WHAT JUST HAPPENED. . . ?
Y O U
held my space
and just like that
you made me feel
a little closer to home
just by walking me
through this blog post. . .
T H A N K
Y O U
O T H E R W I S E
Jane’s poem and some commentary of it has found me twice in less than a week which shouts:
PAY ATTENTION
and
S H A R E
Have you ever had some
OTHERWISE
moments. . . ?
While in the recovery room from a colonoscopy a very kind and attentive nurse told me I should get a mole checked on my shoulder. I did. But the mole I got checked was fine but there were two others ones that were discovered because of that visit that were not; they were successfully removed after being discovered that were cancerous. . .but it could have been OTHERWISE
* * *
I suffered through a agonizing night of urinary retention which resulted in an early morning Emergency Room visit before a busy day of two funerals and a wedding; while the young nurse was catheterizing me, she asked me what I did for a living and when I told her among other things, I was a hospice chaplain, she asked me what hospice and when I told her Hospice of the Western Reserve, she stopped and looked down at me and told me that her daughter of 8 months had been on our services and had recently died from brain cancer. It was her first day back after her daughter’s death and her taking off three months to grieve her. As we were finishing up with paperwork she asked me, “How did you know that I needed you to come in today? I told her at that moment being there for both of us was the only thing that made sense and that we helped each other. . .but it could have been OTHERWISE
* * *
I had a stye on my eyelid but in my mind it had to be cancerous that would cause a hideous deforming blindness and as luck would have it the eye doctor was open late on this Monday night and had an opening for me. He confirmed that it was a simple stye and could be managed with some hot compresses. I told him I hadn’t been to see him in the 20 years that I’ve had success lasik eye surgery but then thought but there’s other reasons to visit him just to make sure my eyes were in good shape. Tests were run and it was determined I have a cataract in both eyes that will eventually need repairing and pressure in both eyes that indicate early detection of glaucoma. It was a less than a routine visit for a stye that could have easily been taken care of by Dr Google and it could have been OTHERWISE
* * *
What’s been your OTHERWISE moment? Like the poet, Jane Kenyon, to be sure we all have those OTHERWISE moments, most likely more than we pay much mind. “ONE DAY” as Jane says at the end of her poem, “IT WILL BE OTHERWISE”
One day, for a sure certainty, there will be a visit that will leave me so very much different coming out than when going it, if I come out at all, and I will not so much fall as drift softly into the arms of whatever’s next–a world that can’t be glimpsed from here. . .
But until that Sunrise that’ll never set I hope that I, and sincerely hopefully, like you, we will truly rejoice in the happy OTHERWISE-NESS of being alive, of being here, NOW
Caught In The MIDDLE
At best it’s really blurry
and never fully
picture-perfect-clear. . .
DO YOU KNOW FOR SURE JUST WHO YOU ARE
Are you more
E X T R O V E R T E D
Are you more
I N T R O V E R T E D
Are you more
A M B I V E R T E D
Do you really know
Do you really care
5 Signs You Might Be an Ambivert
According to experts, many of us fall into this
category. . .
Sira M.Follow was kind of wondering if you were wondering what it truly might be like to be caught in THE MIDDLE; The In-Between of Extroverted and Introverted. Much in the same fashion of Jeff Foxworthy’s YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF. . .
We’ve all self-identified as introverts or extroverts at least once. However, some of us were probably wrong with that identification.
Bestselling author Travis Bradberry explains that personality traits exist along a continuum, and the vast majority of us aren’t introverts or extroverts — we fall somewhere in the middle. And the word ambivert is used to define people who don’t lean too heavily in either direction.
As psychotherapist Ken Page, LCSW explains: “Many of us are ambiverts to some degree, and all of us are located somewhere along the spectrum between introversion and extroversion.”
Now you might ask, what does ambivert exactly mean? According to the Oxford Dictionary, the definition of ambivert is:
“A person who has a balance of extrovert and introvert features in their personality.”
As Bradberry puts it: “Ambiverts have an advantage over introverts and extroverts. Since their personality doesn’t fall into one of the two extremes, they have an easier time adjusting their approach to people based on each situation.”
Here are five signs you might be an ambivert.
You Feel That Spending Time With
Others Sometimes Exhausts You and
Other Times Energizes You
A few weeks before the pandemic, a friend of mine invited me to her place to have dinner on a Friday night. I was tired, but happily accepted the invite, as I assumed it was going to be a quiet evening, just the two of us.
When I arrived at her place, there were already eleven people there. I wasn’t expecting that, and I immediately felt overwhelmed. It’s not that I don’t like to be around people, but that night I felt exhausted and didn’t have the mental energy to interact with people I didn’t even know.
I spent the evening looking forward to going back home. I was craving some alone time. After two hours I decided to leave, saying that I had had a very busy week and was really tired — which was the truth.
The next Friday afternoon I felt the need to spend some time with other people, so I invited a few friends to my place for dinner. It was a similar situation: I had had a long week, and again I was mentally exhausted. The only difference was that I had been working from home and had spent almost the entire week alone. This time I felt the need to be around people. And I realized something important:
Sometimes, to recharge my batteries, I need some “me time,” while at other times spending time with people is what actually gives me energy.
According to Sarah Regan, this is something ambiverts tend to have in common. They can get energized both by being around others, like extroverts, and by spending recharging time alone like introverts. Sometimes they enjoy alone time and social time equally, or the one they enjoy the most fluctuates depending on what’s going on in their life.
Sometimes You’re Talkative and Other
Times You’re Very Quiet
A friend of mine, Nadia, is the best example of what an ambivert is. For example, like me, she says that sometimes what energizes her is socializing while at other times she craves alone time because it helps her recharge.
Another thing I’ve noticed about her is how sometimes in group situations she’s talkative while at other times she practically doesn’t say a word. When she is more talkative, she actively interacts, asks many questions and shares details about herself as well. When she is quiet, she enjoys listening to others, but barely talks.
And as Ronald E. Riggio, Ph.D. explains in an article published in Psychology Today, people like Nadia — that is, those who are sometimes talkative, and other times not — might be ambiverts.
Some People Describe You as an
Introvert While Other People as an
Extrovert
I remember when I was attending college, one day a friend of mine, Naomi, told me this:
“A few days ago I was with Elena. We were talking about you. She told me she really likes you, and the way you are, but she thinks you should open up more. She thinks you’re very quiet and don’t talk too much about yourself. However, I see you in a completely different way. I told her she doesn’t know you as well as I do. You’re always full of energy and it’s always nice talking to you and listening to your stories.”
This is what I replied: “You’re both right. I can be full of energy and talk a lot at times, and be very quiet at other times. It depends on many factors, like my level of energy at a specific moment, and the people I’m with. I think you know me a bit better than she does, but still, what Elena said is true, I’m often very quiet.”
You Enjoy Being the Center of Attention,
but Not For Too Long
If there’s something I don’t enjoy, it’s having to stand still in front of a cake, on the day of my birthday while everyone is singing Happy birthday and staring at me. The song is only around twenty seconds but as I sit there, blushing, it feels more like five minutes.
I was once talking about this with my friend Nadia, and she told me she feels the exact same way. When it’s her birthday she just blows out the candles before anyone can sing Happy Birthday, as, like me, she can’t bear standing in front of a group of people singing and staring at her while she doesn’t know what to do. It feels kind of embarrassing — this is how she defined it, and I couldn’t agree more with her.
However, we both agreed on one thing. It’s not that we don’t like to be the center of attention; we actually enjoy it, as long as it doesn’t last too long and it’s not too intense.
For example, I like to be part of a conversation where I can convey my opinion and I feel listened to. Also, I love it when I tell a joke and people laugh with me.
And Nadia told me she feels cared for when people ask her about her violin classes — or when they ask her advice on what to eat, as she’s a nutritionist. However, those are all situations in which there is an interaction, and the attention goes from one person to another — and consequently it’s not overwhelming for us.
You Are Good at Balancing Listening and
Talking
Psychologist and author Brian Little explained in The Huffington Post that ambiverts actually have the best of both worlds: they have the classic introvert’s skills of self-reflection, combined with the extrovert’s outgoing traits.
This make them great communicators because they understand when they have to listen and when they can talk. They’re self-aware, and they correct themselves if they are talking too much. If they feel the person in front of them needs to talk, they let them talk and ask questions.
If you’ve always thought you were an introvert or an extrovert — but also had some doubts sometimes — and recognize yourself in this description, you might be an ambivert.
Ambiverts don’t necessarily recognize themselves in all the above mentioned signs, but probably in the majority of them.
Being an ambivert has its advantages. According to an interesting article published in Healthline, ambiverts might be able to develop strong bonds. The extroverted traits may lead to interacting with more people, while the introverted traits can help connect deeply with others.
And this is a perfect combination when it comes to nurturing meaningful relationships.
So in a our every changing world
where there seems to be a
NEW NORMAL
almost every day
WHERE DO YOU STAND (OUT)
INTROVERT
EXTROVERT
AMBIVERT
. . .Why not
TEST IT
Quiz: Are you an extrovert, introvert or
ambivert?
Adam Grant PhD came up with the following test:
iStock
You probably have a hunch about which one you are, but why not take this quiz — from organizational psychologist Adam Grant — and double-check? Knowing your traits will help you figure out how you can best fit and function in the workplace and the world.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Adam Grant PhD is an organizational psychologist at Wharton, a #1 New York Times bestselling author and the host of the TED podcast WorkLife.
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