The Caring Catalyst

Who Cares - What Matters

Forbidden to buy a Painting

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Sometimes
Winning the Lottery
has so much more than
a dollar amount. . .
Sometimes
it’s something so much more
valuable
E X P E N S I V E
P R I C E L E S S. . .
that’s what I thought
THE FIRST TIME
I saw Titus Kaphar’s painting
and then read his poem
which painted many different
i m a g e s
in the pages of my mind

‘I Cannot Sell You This Painting.’ Artist Titus Kaphar on his George Floyd TIME Cover

Painting by Titus Kaphar for TIMEIDEASBY TITUS KAPHAR JUNE 4, 2020 6:19 AM EDTTitus Kaphar is an American artist whose work examines the history of representation 

Artist Titus Kaphar painted the portrait that appears on the cover of this week’s TIME. He has written the following piece to accompany the work which hopefully now will be a part of our work:

I
can not
sell
you
this
painting.
In her expression, I see the Black mothers who are unseen, and rendered helpless in this fury against their babies.
As I listlessly wade through another cycle of violence against Black people,
I paint a Black mother…
eyes closed,
furrowed brow,
holding the contour of her loss.
Is this what it means for us?
Are black and loss
analogous colors in America?
If Malcolm could not fix it,
if Martin could not fix it,
if Michael,
Sandra,
Trayvon,
Tamir,
Breonna and
Now George Floyd…
can be murdered
and nothing changes…
wouldn’t it be foolish to remain hopeful?
Must I accept that this is what it means to be Black
in America?
Do
not
ask
me
to be
hopeful.
I have given up trying to describe the feeling of knowing that I can not be safe in the country of my birth…
How do I explain to my children that the very system set up to protect others could be a threat to our existence?
How do I shield them from the psychological impact of knowing that for the rest of our lives we will likely be seen as a threat,
and for that
We may die?
A MacArthur won’t protect you .
A Yale degree won’t protect you .
Your well-spoken plea will not change hundreds of years of institutionalized hate.
You will never be as eloquent as Baldwin,
you will never be as kind as King…
So, 
isn’t it only reasonable to believe that there will be no
change
soon?
And so those without hope…
Burn.
This Black mother understands the fire.
Black mothers
understand despair.
I can change NOTHING in this world,
but in paint,
I can realize her….
This brings me solace…
not hope,
but solace.
She walks me through the flames of rage.
My Black mother rescues me yet again.
I want to be sure that she is seen.
I want to be certain that her story is told.
And so,
this time
America must hear her voice.
This time
America must believe her.
One
Black
mother’s
loss
WILL
be
memorialized.
This time
I will not let her go.
I
can not
sell
you
this
painting.

and then. . .
I saw this little thumbnail picture
way down in the right hand corner of
Titus’s poem
and these words spilled out of me
from heart
through my eyes
down my cheeks
onto a crumbled piece of discarded paper
that missed the garbage can
from short range:

Why
NOW
am I always on the 
Verge of Tears
With a movie clip
Or just the mention of it
A poem
Or just a well spoken phrase
A song 
With or without lyrics 
A scene
A smell
A glance
A touch 
A sound 
An indescribable feeling
And then
THERE
A flow of tears
No lash can hold back
Or no longer Dam
Flows a liquid saltiness
That can’t be 
Diluted 
But can only 
Water
Nourish 
What’s waited to grow
But never been fully planted
Or hardly nurtured 
But now no longer 
Ignored
I’m always on the verge of tears 
Now
F I N A L L Y
(And hopefully for an ever)
Lump in the throat
Unswallowable
that never chokes
but makes the breath
in and out
different

Sometimes
Winning the Lottery
has so much more than
a dollar amount. . .
Sometimes
it’s something so much more
valuable
E X P E N S I V E
P R I C E L E S S. . .
Mr Kaphar
can’t sell me his painting
not because
he’s holding out
so much as us
HOLDING ON
(to all of the wrong things)

BROKEN BUT NOT SHATTERED

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Have you ever needed something

And never knew it

Until you got it?

We both parked at the same time

We both got out of our cars at the same time

We both walked up towards the building at the same time

I hadn’t seen her in years

 .          .          .I didn’t even know she still was with the agency

And  THERE  she  was.          .          .

Tearful,

Heart-heavy-burdened down

Not just with her computer and nursing bag

Wheeling behind her

Tears

We stopped and hugged

Right there in a middle of

A        M O M E N T

There she was

There I was

Unplanned

Unscripted

Yet perfectly scene’d

In a backdrop of a cloudy sky

That dropped over the Lake

B R U I S E D

B E A T EN

From a storm

Far away

And yet not quite here,

Y        e        t

And the Best news of all—

S           H           E           L           T           E           R

Secured

Safe

Comforting

Assuring

Was in place

And like most times—

Not just seen

Not just recognized

Not just experienced

Until the most absolute

m        o        m        e        n        t

Looking back.          .          .

R e f l e c t I n g

(without a mirror)

I’m   a   little   offended   now

G a l l e d

That she felt/believed

I  was  actually  there  for  her.     .     .

For  her  vulnerability

For  her  tears

For her undressed,

fully naked,

stripped down,

Exposed honesty

And truth.   . .

Which SHOWED ME

What  I  so-

All-the-time-behind-the-curtain-triple-locked-door-of-my-heart

Never-always-so-guarded-very-afraid-FEAR-to-show

.         .         .W  H O was there for W H O.         .         .

At this early

So very CHANCE

(NOT-AN-ACCIDENT)

Maybe-to-never-happen-again-ever-the-same-way-

M      O      M      E      N      T ?

Me for her?

Her for me?

The simple answer is a resounding

Y                 E                 S

As we hugged

Right there

Right then

I realized that what’s Broken

Seldom  is  S H A T T E R E D.         .         .

That often

Maybe more usual than we notice

We get tired

We get disappointed

We’re disillusioned

That

Caring

Compassion

Loving

Giving

Sharing

Accepting

Forgiving

Will get you hurt

.        .       .hurt really bad

Make you wounded

Get you bloodied

E M P T I E D

D E P L E T E D

E X H A U S T E D

.         .         .it’s a paycheck

Not deposited

When needed/expected

An Emotional Withdrawal

That can only be replenished with:

G O      F I G U R E :

Caring

Compassion

Loving

Giving

Sharing

Accepting

Forgiving

Hey.       .       .

Have   you   ever   needed   something

And   never   knew   it   until

You   G O T   I T ?

G E T   I T

and oh my.          .          .

how the clouds part

Your Sparkle

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https://youtu.be/kUFPGYVhmSs

If  your life  was  a

C         O         M         M         E         R         C         I         A         L

what  exactly  would  it  be

a d v e r t i s i n g.        .        .        ?

It’s  not  so  much  the  noticing  of

W H A T ‘ S      B E T W E E N      U S      C O N N E C T S      U S

or  even  recognizing

Y  O  U  R       S  P  A  R  K  L  E

so  much  as  just  simply

S H A R I N G    I T

.          .       .it’s  one  thing  to  be  an  empty

B      I      L      L      B      O      A      R      D

and  another  to  ever

G      I      V      E

what  no  commercial  could

ever even begin to

promise.       .      .

as a Caring Catalyst

it’s never really what’s

Y     O     U     R            S     P     A     R     K     L     E 

so  much  as

H O W

W H E N

W H E R E 

and  mostly

T     H     A     T

YOU     SHARE    IT.        .        .

Psssssssssssssssst   of   the   Day:

Why have   S P A R K L E

if   you   don’t ?

ACCIDENTALLY ON PURPOSE

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img_2339

Is  there?

Is  there a  r e a l

Difference between an

a     c     c     i     d     e     n     t

and

on     p  u  r  p  o  s  e .     .     .     ?

I gave a presentation at a hospital

to case managers

to administrators

to social workers

to nurses

I was so effectively good

telling stories

about killing my grandfather by hitting a softball.     .     .

about a beloved youth group leader/pastor who ran over his daughter with his truck.     .     .

about a 34-year-old mom of 3 boys under the age of 6, dying of cancer.     .     .

about an 84-year-old altar boy who was throwing away his pain meds.     .     .

about a long ride home, watching my daughter cry in the backseat, after losing her fiancé .     .     .

about   how   our   respective

H     O     L     Y          H     E     L     L

isn’t a one-size-fits-a  l  l

not even

c    l    o    s    e

and  how

y o u r     s u f f e r i n g

y o u r      p a i n

is

m y     s u f f e r i n g

m  y     p a i n.        .        .

H          O          W

Grief can’t ever be fixed

Grief can’t ever be taken away

Grief can’t ever be elevated

H            O           W

Grief can only be

c o m p a n i o n e d

and  that we  are  the

c  o  m  p  a  n  i  o  n  e  r  s.       .       .

I wrapped it all up by

making them all stand up

and giving themselves a standing ovation.       .       .

and there were

t e a r s

and unusual-never-before-seen-amount-of-tears.       .       .

The head Administrator then gave an update

on one of their long-time good friend colleague

who had just found out she had cancer

and right there.     .     .

moments after I had finished my

H    O   L   Y        H   E   L   L

we walked through

t h e i r s.     .     .

t       h       e       y

couldn’t believe the

t i m i n g

of  it  all.     .      .

A  C  C  I  D  E  N  T

or

ON     P U R P O S E.     .     .     ?

There   were   28   of   us

t  h  a  t        m o m e n t

w      h      o

  didn’t  have  to

w     o     n     d     e     r.      .      .

Y  O  U.     .     .     ?

It’s In Every ONE of Us. . . .

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I first saw this video well over 20 years ago

at all places. . .

A Humor Conference.

I love when I have shown this to children–

they   laugh–a lot !

I use to show this video with new Volunteers or Spiritual Care Volunteers with Hospice.

I would always ask this question as soon as it was over:

W     H     A     T ?

WHAT’S  IN  EVERY  ONE  OF  US ?

Pain

Un-met expectations

Hurt

Disappointment

Suffering

Expectations

Hopes

Joys

Love

Fear

Faith

Doubt

Happiness

Sadness.  .  .

I mean the list really is endless and it’s all with the same message, isn’t it?

IT’S  IN  EVERY  ONE  OF  US. . .

it’s the one universal assurance–given–in our lives

ANY  LIFE !

My favorite part of the video is near the end where it illustrates  THAT  point the best

when one face  morphs  into the next face into the next face into the next face. . . .

There’s so much in this World that separates us

. . .so much

that really doesn’t

What. . .what do you notice.     .     .recognize

the   m o s t ?

Psssssst:  Rub your eyes. . .rub them again. . .

do more than look–

S          E          E

celebrate

live

what’s

In     Every     One     Of     Us

and never            experience           it any other way.

E. I. A. Member

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Unknown

Hello. . .

My name is Chuck and I, I, I am…

I am…

Emotionally Incontinent.

W H E W. . .There I Wrote It. I put IT out there. I Claim it and now EXCLAIM IT.

I am Emotionally Incontinent.

I Cry…a lot…sometimes.

I’ve Ministered, Counseled, Coached, Companioned, Actively Listened, Advised, Sympathized, Empathized, Officiated, Conducted, Laughed, Facilitated, but rarely have cried when I’m “WORKING.”

But. . .However. . .nevertheless. . .nonetheless. . .regardless. . .even so. . .

still. . .yet. . .notwithstanding. . .all the same. . .

I am severely Emotionally Incontinent.

If I’m watching SIMON BIRCH, WHILE YOU WERE SLEEPING, THE MIGHTY, THE NATURAL, FIELD OF DREAMS, or even CASTAWAY when Tom Hanks is yelling out for WILSON his Float-away Soccer Ball or Johnny Depp explaining to a grief stricken son about how all he has to do is BELIEVE and IMAGINE to see his recently deceased Mum in NEVERLAND…and Please don’t even whisper, MY DOG SKIP or STEEL MAGNOLIA; don’t mention Frank Vali singing, MY EYES ADORED YOU to his daughter Francine before she fell asleep or, ohhhh, ohhhhhh,
FAULT IN OUR STARS. . . .

Maybe I’m not watching anything, but just merely listening to LES MISERABLES or MISS SAIGON or Beth Nielsen Chapman’s SAY GOODNIGHT or Ben Fold’s THE LUCKIEST or Melissa Manchester’s INCLINED and…

I AM SEVERELY EMOTIONALLY INCONTINENT!

Should I apologize?

“THE STUDIES” say that it’s natural…that it’s a healthy way to LET IT ALL OUT!

I say…try NOT being Emotionally Incontinent at just The Right Scene or the Perfect Song….

So. . .

My Name is Chuck

I am Emotionally Incontinent.

I am a member of Emotionally Incontinent Anonymous.

Are you a Member, too?

Do you want to be?

Become a little more human. . .

. . .a little more Compassionate. . .

Join me, er,

US!

(Tissues, Handkerchiefs, Sleeves, T-shirt tails, Napkins Optional)

Professional Speaker, Author, Assurance Man