The Caring Catalyst

Who Cares - What Matters

R I N G S

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R           I          N           G           S

Are       you       a       good      Buddhist ?

I am not.          .         .

as good as one I imagined;

I know the basics:

PAIN is caused by ATTACHMENT

PEACE: D E T A C H M E N T

Just about everyday since October 31, 1994

when I began working with Hospice and

DEATH & DYING

I’ve learned to die a little bit every day;

Embrace it;

When I go to bed and asleep (very quickly) each night

I have a huge sense of GRATITUDE

and an
OK-NESS

with the possibility I might not awaken

but not quite yet
(IF SHE DOESN’T AWAKE)

(Most likely from the childhood prayer my parents prayed and taught me every night:
NOW   I   LAY   ME   DOWN   TO   SLEEP
I   PRAY   THE   LORD   MY   SOUL   TO   KEEP
IF   I   SHOULD   DIE   BEFORE   I   WAKE
I   PRAY   THE   LORD   MY   SOUL   TO   TAKE

I practice DEATH every day
(but apparently never.     .     .ever enough)

because I know, I know that I know, bet my Life that I know
(but don’t always ACT like I know)

that ONE DAY I will die.        .       .
(that she will die)

Now that’s one thing, isn’t it.         .         .

but when it’s not
YOUR  LIFE

but ANOTHER’S;

ONE    WHO    YOU    DEEPLY    LOVE 

more desperately than your next breath.         .       .

well, now, that’s an whole other
MATTER.          .         .

W             O             R             D             S

much like these

but maybe laced with a little more effectiveness
sincerity 

have been said by many of us;

I’ve guided hundred’s in reciting/repeating them;

been at the bedsides of lifetime lovers who whisper them again to each other;

presided over the funeral of ONES.       .       .

who now very painfully have become TWOS (again)

“FOR      BETTER      FOR      WORSE
FOR      RICHER      FOR      POORER
IN      SICKNESS      AND      IN      HEALTH
TO      LOVE      AND      TO      CHERISH.          .         .”

Each time during the Summer for the past three years I’ve reflected;

E            X           P            E             R           I          E          N          C          E          D   

The other side of the coin of

THE BETTER
THE RICHER
THE HEALTH
and a much deeper
TO LOVE AND TO CHERISH

The other side of the coin is dirty
indistinguishable

The OTHER SIDE OF THE SHEETS

are rough;

much too ruffled/unsmooth/scratchy/P A I N F U L

When I saw her lying on the floor that early Sunday morning

seizing uncontrollably

watching my son

rolling her on her side

and calling 911 at the same time;

when I saw her limp and lifeless in the back of an ambulance;

lying on a gurney in the emergency room;

looking in her eyes and for the first time seeing them

NOT RECOGNIZING me
or any semblance of the language we’d seamlessly share with a mere glance;

it made me see a shore without her waves
a life without her life.          .           .

When I held her wedding ring in my hand

while she was getting an MRI

and a series of endless seemingly endless

eternally long tests

that were screaming to me

“There’s no mass; no bleed, no sign of stroke but we still don’t know why she had five Grand Mal seizure.         .       .”

I remember these words, along with a Niagara Falls of furious, fearful thoughts:

HER WEDDING RING
feels so very much
different 
foreign 
alien
small
in my hand
than it ever felt
on her hand
as I held it
squeezed it
without her holding
squeezing mine
back

I wrote a series of poems
thoughts
f e a r s
that have remained
in an old notebook
unshared
with
THE OTHER SIDE OF THE SHEETS

We have all kinds of
r     i     n     g     s

Ring around the Rosie
Ring around the Collar
Ring around the Moon
Ring of my phone
Ring my neck

rivals not

The    Ring    on    My    Finger

which would have me WRUNG OUT

without it

bare beyond on naked.          .         .

Y         O          U  ?

WE CROAK

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It’s   pretty   harsh   isn’t   it ?  

W    E          C    R    O    A    K

It’s an actual app you can get on your smart phone and five times a day it reminds you that you’re going to die. Now gives some nice messages and philosophical view points:

a n d

a   n  d

a   n   d

a     n     d

F  I  V  E       T  I  M  E  S       A       D   A   Y

 But no matter how it’s sweetened, no matter how the edges are softened, the fact of the matter is true:
We   are   going   to   die;  or   as   the   app   promises:

W   E        C   R   O   A   K

You’d think after being with hospice since 1994;
Working as a hospital chaplain since 1987
and being an ordained minister since 1980
I      would      get      this.           .          .

Make no mistake about it, I believe it. I know it, I know we’re gonna die,
I know I’m gonna die; I know it, I know that I know it, I’d bet my life that I know it      (no pun intended)  but if I didn’t wake up tomorrow morning, or if I didn’t make it home tonight,  or if I had a heart attack after putting the period on this Blog post or even in the middle of it,
I would be the most shocked person in the world.           .          .

This past week a colleague of mine died. He was a true GENTLE MAN; One of the kindest most compassionate people I’ve ever worked with or have ever known. He’s younger than me, has had six less Christmas’ than I’ve celebrated;  He’s been a caregiver for his mother and his brother and other family members and countless hospital,l nursing home, and hospice patients. To him working was never a job or a vocation; caring for people was his lifestyle. He rivaled no others in the care that he gave.
His love, his compassion, his gentleness, his care,  didn’t keep him from getting pancreatic cancer; it didn’t keep him from dying. Though he gave so much in a not so perfect world, he wasn’t  immune from this thing that we call death, in fact, DEATH  awaits all of us and serves as a reminder, at any given time, any given moment.          .          .
I      may      be      next.

That’s not  the tragedy if there is one.           .          .
The WOE is I might not be aware of living every moment that I have available to me. In all the years that I’ve served others, not one dying patient has shown me in return how to die, but I can’t remember one who hasn’t illustrated in living vivid color how to live.

W   E        C     R     O     A     K

We  die
The question is do we ever really
L  I  V  E
Fully. exuberantly. zestfully. without any regrets.          .          .
We don’t answer with our mouth‘s or thoughts only with her actions on this one;
A      N      O      T      H      E      R
well.        .       .
they don’t get to judge whether  or not we’ve  done those things with this
L      I      V      I      N      G
w e    d o.          .          .

I met with his team this past Tuesday and we remembered him and honored him with reminiscing,  once upon a timing, and remember when’s;
We laughed; we cried; but most of all we remembered;

I asked them as I now ask you, if we had an opportunity to walk through a set of magical doors and it meant that we were no longer shed a tear we would have no regrets there would be no pain of loss bereavement in grief would have no means whatsoever but it would also mean that we never had the chance the opportunity to blessing to have a loved one in our life would you choose the walk through those magical doors that somehow right now don’t seem quite so magical.     .     .

Doubtful, huh?

Maybe it was because of his age
or just his gentle kindness
How can you not ask this question of him and others:
WHY
HOW COME
WHAT FOR.          .          ?

But it also means having the guts to flip that coin over and ask the same questions of WHY
WHAT FOR
HOW COME
a loved one ever  GIFTS  themselves in our lives.     .     ?

I passed a basket of stones around and instructed each person there to let us don’t use them instead of them choosing one. I reached in and chose a black one I didn’t look for it I didn’t go by for your site or touch your sense of smell when I pulled it out

IT  looked a little marred,  scarred,  almost as if the stone itself was wrapping around its imperfections. It instantly reminded me of him;  that’s what he did; He wrapped himself around your heart; your pain; your anxiety; your fear; and had a way of making it better just with an infectious smile.

After we each had a rock, a stone which chose us, I told them that there is one thing stronger than the stone or rock which is ageless in our life and that’s love that’s why we have grave stones or grave markers made of granite, or rock or some kind of hard stone because it not only survives the test of time, but it’s only surpassed, over powered, and falls severely short of one thing, STRONGER:

O  U  R     L  O  V  E

True, right.     .     .?

MEMORIES are nothing unless interwoven with  OUR  LOVE

W   E       C   R   O   A   K

Yes

W e    d i e.          .          .

And our memories ~~well they mean nothing, nothing at all unless there’s love attached to them that literally makes them everything that they were everything that they are in everything that they’ve always be.

Wow. We are a bunch of losers, aren’t we.          .          .
We’ve lost not keys, not glasses, not remote controls, or pens; not an article of clothing or piece of jewelry;

NO.          .          . we’ve lost.          .          . lost people that are so dear to us;
Precious, priceless Gifts and yet, having lost, look at all we’ve gained because they have been a part of our lives and always will be
And that never croaks or dies

THEIR’S

is a RIPPLE

that has lapped upon  OUR  SHORES

Hopefully, that’ll cause endless RIPPLES

that’ll lap up on the Shores of Countless Others.             .          .

The Ultimate Response?

TWO   WORDS:

T H A N K     Y O U

A CHURCH THAT ISN’T

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Is it just a

P  L  A  C  E

Is it just a

P H I L O S O P H Y

Is it just a

F E E L I N G.          .          .

It was an early Sunday morning

not on the way to Church

and she was laying under some bushes in a vacant parking lot;

He didn’t see her

She did.          .          .

After going through the driver thru of Starbucks,

they went across the street and went through the drive thru of McDonalds

and bought a Big Breakfast with pancakes

and a medium coffee;

when they came to the vacant lot

they found that she was still sleeping, wearing most probably everything she owned, sitting by an empty pizza box and half 2 liter bottle of Shasta Ginger Ale;

He stayed in the car.          .          .

She got out with the McDonalds and went over to her quietly

not really trying to wake her
(what a great way to wake up, huh? McDonalds in the bushes!)

She woke up a little startled but was calmed quickly;

at first she refused the meal and the $20 bill

but was convinced to receive it not so much as a

G     I      F      T

but   as   a

F          A          V          O          R
(to make the humble Giver’s feel better about themselves)

She accepted

If the definition of a musician is:

P L A Y I N G     M U S  I  C

He is ONE;

if it’s one who plays music

F  O  R      F  R  E  E

He’s  the  most  purest  of  Maestro’s;

He played on the Boardwalk as people walked by

TRYING   NOT   TO   LOOK

and absolutely not stopping

and adamantly not GIVING

in his bent up rusted Maxwell House Coffee Can

but when he began a rendition of

AMAZING GRACE

angels wept
(as did I standing not so closely beside him, looking out at the ocean)

He asked for a glass of wine
(was refused it because of it being Sunday)

and got a glass of water with very few ice cubes

that didn’t jingle so well as he swirled them around his glass after a few sips;

It wasn’t that he looked poor

It wasn’t that he looked hungry

It wasn’t that he looked forgotten

It wasn’t that he looked used/abused

so much as he just looked lonely;

The Waiter was called over and the couple asked for his bill to pay as they were leaving to pay their own;

He never knew  W   H   O

and they didn’t stay around to see  HOW he responded.          .          .

Is it just a

P  L  A  C  E

Is it just a

P H I L O S O P H Y

Is it just a

F E E L I N G.          .          .

S       o       m       e       t       i       m       e       s

Church doesn’t have a specific address

Church doesn’t have a specific location

Church doesn’t have a phone number

Church doesn’t have specific hours or times of Service

Church as it’s best is when it ISN’T

and then.         .        .

It’s MUCH MORE!

Why Wear or Share your Faith

when you can help ANOTHER

EXPERIENCE their OWN.          .          .

.                .              .and it’s most sacred
(just by showing up)

Committing UNCONDITIONAL LOVE

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Ever  Feel, Literally:

H        A        Y        W        I        R        E.          .          .

Ever feel, even when

I        L         L         U         M         I         N         A         T         I         N         G

Just like  a  tumbled, bumbled, ball  of  M  E  S  S.          .          .

  • Following the deaths of Kate Spade and Anthony Bourdain, people are talking about suicide
  • The words we choose, what we say and don’t say, make a difference, experts say

(CNN)With two high-profile deaths by suicide this week and a new government report released detailing a rise in suicide rates in the United States, a topic that’s often avoided, judged or only whispered about is now on the tips of people’s tongues.

What we say or don’t say, and how we say it, makes a difference, according to experts. Our words matter to those struggling with thoughts of ending their own lives and to those reeling from loss owing to suicide. And in a world where silence or insensitivity often makes matters worse, it’s time to talk about our language.

P          L          E          A          S          E :

Stop using the phrase ‘committed suicide’

Top of mind to many who care about this topic is getting rid of the phrase “committed suicide,” says Dese’Rae Stage, a suicide awareness activist who holds a bachelor’s degree in psychology and is trained in crisis intervention.

“It implies sin or crime” — we “commit” sins and crimes — “and pathologizes those affected. We suggest more objective phrasing, like ‘died by/from suicide,’ ‘ended their life’ or ‘took their life,'” she said. “If we’re using the right language, if we’re pulling negative connotations from the language, talking about suicide may be easier.”

A similar guideline actually has become the rule of thumb for major news organizations, including CNN, which often set the tone of public conversation around suicide.

Don’t treat suicide like a taboo topic

Stage, who is also a photographer based in Philadelphia, is on a mission to humanize the topic and normalize discussions about suicide so we, collectively, can grapple with what the US Centers for Disease Control and Prevention ranks as the United States’ 10th leading cause of death. She’s the force behind a project called “Live Through This,” which collects the stories and portraits of suicide attempt survivors — of which she is one.

She thinks of how cancer was for so long referred to as “the C word,” how people were terrified to even mention it. Now that people speak openly about cancer, funding, research and avenues of support have grown exponentially.

She imagines a world where suicide isn’t an off-limits or taboo subject, where we can learn to be there for each other.

How to help someone who might be suicidal

Because suicide is a topic Stage is intimately aware of, she offers advice to those who are concerned about someone they love and are struggling with what to say.

Be direct and ask, “Are you thinking about suicide?” she said. “When you’re able to say the ‘S word,’ you acknowledge it. It takes the power away. Then say, ‘What can I do?’ or ‘How can I help?’ They may not have an answer, but it’s worth asking.”

For someone in a suicide crisis, Stage says it’s OK to get even more specific with questions: “Do you have a plan? Do you have a method? Do you have a time frame?”

The goal, she explains, is to make a connection, engage in conversation, validate feelings and give the person a moment to breathe.

Dr. Jodi Gold, a psychiatrist and director of Gold Center for Mind Health and Wellness, echoed Stage’s advice when she said this on CNN’s New Day: “Talking about suicide does not cause people to kill themselves. Not talking about suicide might.”

If the person you’re worried about answers “yes” when asked if they’re thinking about hurting or killing themselves, Gold suggested that’s when you reach out to a therapist, a doctor, a family member — not necessarily an emergency room — because preventing isolation and fostering human connections are key.

Don’t rattle off the list of people for whom a person must live, Stage said.

“That often makes them feel worse if you’re doing it for them,” she said. “They’re thinking, ‘I’m a terrible person, and all these people would be better off without me.'”

After Stage tried to take her own life 12 years ago in small town Tennessee, her best friend took her in to her Texas home, offering a needed escape. She didn’t watch over Stage 24/7 but offered her a safe space — “and she gave me space in it.”

So often people “fragilize” those who’ve attempted suicide and treat them as children, Stage said. “You do need to be nurtured after a suicide attempt, but you don’t need to be treated like an egg.”

Don’t cast blame or search for details

Those who have lost a loved one to suicide may be reluctant to share their stories “because doing so is usually met with gross insensitivity — as in ‘Why didn’t you do something?’ or ‘Didn’t you know he was mentally ill?'” said Tony Salvatore, director of suicide prevention at Montgomery County Emergency Service, a nonprofit mental health crisis service in Norristown, Pennsylvania.

That sort of reaction, casting blame — however unintentionally — on survivors who are already struggling with guilt is just one way the stigma of suicide gets perpetuated.

It’s human nature to want to identify the reason why people take their lives. But there is no one reason, and it’s unfair to expect answers, said Janet Schnell, an Indiana social worker who leads support groups and provides suicide prevention training. She lost her younger brother to suicide 20 years ago.

Likewise, asking for details about how a person died by suicide, especially in the immediate aftermath, is not recommended, she said.

How to bring comfort to suicide loss survivors

Phrases that may be meant to comfort such as, “They’re in a better place now,” or “They’re no longer hurting,” can also hurt suicide loss survivors, who might wonder, Schnell said, “Wasn’t the place where we are good enough?”

The best response she got from a friend was this: “I’m here for you at 3:30 in the morning.” Having a person to call and cry to in the middle of the night, even if the words exchanged were few, made a difference.

When Schnell’s brother ended his life, people often avoided talking to her and her family members in person because they didn’t know what to say. Instead, she remembers going out to eat and hearing people whispering about their loss.

Avoiding the truth of suicide does a disservice, and if finding the right words to say are difficult, Schnell has an easy answer.

“I always say the best thing to do is say, ‘I’m sorry,'” she said, “and nothing more.”

BEING    A    CARING    CATALYST

simply means JUST SHOWING UP

no words, no lectures, no behind-the-back-sneak-attack-vists with an entourage that rivals the worst taken photo bombs.          .            .

S        H        O        W              U        P

if you’re going to commit anything during this time

Commit a massive-amount-over-the-top-severely-over-flowing-abundant-
 UNCONDITIONAL   ACCEPTANCE.          .          .

C    O    M    M    I    T         L    O    V    E
(non-stop)

It’s a rough world out there.            .            .

and there are no easy answers;

no simple solutions

no short-cuts

which SHOUTS  for us  to  even more frantically:

<strong>How to get help:</strong> In the US, call the <a href=”https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/” target=”_blank”>National Suicide Prevention Lifeline</a> at 1-800-273-8255. The <a href=”https://www.iasp.info/resources/Crisis_Centres/” target=”_blank”>International Association for Suicide Prevention</a> and <a href=”https://www.befrienders.org/help-and-support” target=”_blank”>Befrienders Worldwide</a> also provide contact information for crisis centers around the world.

Your Caring Catalyst S E L F

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Q          U          E          S          T          I          O          N :

Would you describe yourself as a compassionate person?

Even if you don’t necessarily see yourself that way, I bet you’re compassionate at least some of the time (e.g. when you’re well rested and not in a hurry), or with certain people in your life (e.g. with your closest friends). Compassion can be thought of as a mental state or an orientation towards suffering (your own or others’) that includes these four components:

  • Bringing attention or awareness to recognizing that there is suffering (cognitive)
  • Feeling emotionally moved by that suffering (affective)
  • Wishing there to be relief from that suffering (intentional)
  • A readiness to take action to relieve that suffering (motivational)

Contrary to what many may believe, compassion is considered to be like a muscle that, as any other, can be strengthened with relevant exercises—or can deteriorate and atrophy. In other words, your capacity for compassion can expand, if you choose.

You likely never learned in school that you can intentionally strengthen inner skills such as compassion. The good news is that there are specific habits that you can practice in order to begin honing your abilities to expand compassion for yourself and for others.

 Try the Research-Tested Compassion Practices

Preliminary research from a variety of randomized controlled trials suggests that compassion can, in fact, be enhanced through systematic training programs. For example, the eight-week compassion cultivation training (CCT) course that was developed by Thupten Jinpa, Ph.D. and colleagues at Stanford University’s Center for Compassion and Altruism Research and Education, suggests that adults can indeed improve compassion for themselves, and reduce fear of compassion for themselves and for others.

Compassion is considered to be like a muscleYour capacity for compassion can expand, if you choose.     .     .

Even if you don’t or can’t take a research-validated training program, there are numerous ways to build your compassion muscle—many of which are described on Greater Good in Action (GGIA), the GGSC’s library of science-based practices. Some of these practices involve meditation, such as loving-kindness. Others are writing exercises, such as one that asks you to describe a time when you felt a strong bond with another person.

Many of the practices in both GGIA and the structured training programs range from 10-30 minutes in length. As with most exercises, the more you do them, the more you will likely reap the benefits. However, something is better than nothing. For example, if your physical exercise goal is to take 10,000 steps a day and you only take 3,000, that’s still better for your health than taking none.

Meditation is similar. . .not one of my favorites because of my MONKEY MIND but while the intention may be 20-30 minutes of daily compassion meditation, some practice is better than no practice—and you are maintaining your intention and routine, which will only increase the likelihood of your continuing this intention and routine the next day. Notice if this ‘all-or-nothing’ mentality with your compassion practice is hindering you and see if you can test the ‘something is better than nothing’ theory.

 Try Informal Compassion Practices

While there’s lots of research supporting those kinds of compassion-cultivating practices, there’s also a place for informal, moment-to-moment practices throughout the day.

For example, you could notice when compassion comes easily or spontaneously for you throughout the day (e.g. watching the evening news). You could notice when you resist acknowledging or being with suffering (your own or others’) throughout the day (e.g. when passing someone on the street who is asking for money or an extended family member who is challenging). Throughout the day, you could notice when you judge or minimize suffering (e.g. saying that it doesn’t count or is insignificant compared to someone else or something else going on in the world). We often notice suffering (our own and that of others) but quickly dismiss it and thus do not allow ourselves to be emotionally touched or moved by the suffering (the second component of compassion). This kind of awareness of the presence, or absence, of compassion can provide some valuable information to you.

Loving-kindness meditationLoving-kindness meditation is a practice for developing compassion for self and others.

So, the next time you’re standing in line at the grocery store, instead of looking down at your phone or watching how quickly the surrounding lines are moving (I’m guilty of both), take a moment to consider the common humanity of the people who made your grocery trip possible—the people who grew the food, transported the food, and stocked the shelves, or even the cashier who is about to help you. Perhaps you could take a moment of appreciation for each of them.

If you choose, this could be an opportunity to acknowledge the interdependence that surrounds us. Our lives, even simple trips to the grocery store, are supported by countless others.

 Set an Intention

Renowned meditation teacher Jack Kornfield once wrote that setting one’s intention is like setting the compass for one’s heart. Our intention helps guide our efforts to be compassionate and helps remind us why we are choosing to set time aside for compassion-cultivating practices. When I teach compassion, I pose questions for my students, such as these:

  • What is bringing you to the practice today?
  • What do you want for yourself?
  • What do you want for your life?
  • What do you have to offer the world?

While these are indeed ‘big’ questions, asking them allows us to ponder our intentions of why we are trying to strengthen our inner skill of compassion.

For a week, try setting an intention before you start your compassion meditation practice and notice whether this intention helps clarify your purpose. At times, this intention can come up again throughout the day as a means of renewing your commitment to practice compassion, even when you are living life ‘off the cushion.’

The power of intentionsSetting an intention is like setting the compass for one’s heart.

 Collect Your own Data

Research is probabilistic. Just because something works for most people (or people in research studies) does not mean that it will work for you. As I always tell folks in during my presentations, in order to get the most convincing data, “Be your own laboratory.”

Run a short experiment (e.g., a couple weeks or a couple months) and collect your own data. Do you feel more compassionate (towards yourself, loved ones, strangers, difficult people) when utilizing formal (e.g., sitting meditation) and informal (e.g., silently reciting loving-kindness phrases to yourself while waiting in line at Trader Joe’s) compassion practices?

Do your own compassion studyDo you feel more compassionate when utilizing formal and informal compassion practices?

Running this experiment does not require a workbook, purchasing a fancy meditation cushion, or buying trendy new yoga clothes. These practices, which are thousands of years old, can be done right in the comfort of your own home, at the office, in your car, or really anywhere, just as you are. Afterward, reflection can take many forms—and you should adopt one that works for you.

Get  Support

This may be the most easiest…TAKE A CLASS…or just go one on one with an instructor who can answer your questions or help troubleshoot and problem-solve with you and most importantly, an instructor will help you stick with and come back to this practice and help make it a habit, a lifestyle.     .     .

Many others are choosing to acknowledge suffering (their own and others’) and wish to see the relief of suffering. This notion can get lost at times when doing these practices in solitude.

If you don’t have the time or money for a class, don’t despair. You might find support at a religious community or center in your area, if you have one. If you don’t, enlist a friend or relative to support your effort to make compassion more of a habit—someone who can encourage and remind you to stay on track and help you (non-judgmentally) troubleshoot the times when you just don’t feel very compassionate in the midst of suffering.

 Be Open to Possibilities—and Compassionate toward Yourself

There are lots of good reasons why sometimes we intend to do compassion meditation practices, and yet, for whatever reason, we drop the ball. Often, what people do when this happens is engage in ‘negative self-talk’ by implicitly or explicitly saying things to themselves, such as “I never stick with anything”; “I’m a failure”; or “I can’t do this.” Interestingly, there’s no empirical evidence to suggest that beating ourselves up will actually help us change our behavior; in fact, some data suggests that this type of criticism can move us away from our goals, rather than towards them.

Support in cultivating compassionGet support from a group, family member or friend to make compassion more of a habit.

Additionally, one of the interesting opportunities that arises when we do not do our compassion meditation practices is to see if, in that moment, we can practice compassion for ourselves. Compassion for missing the compassion practice is essentially one of the ‘tests’ of our practice. When we’re tempted to be harsh, critical, and judgmental with ourselves, can we instead choose to have compassion: acknowledging our suffering, noting how this makes us human and that we are not alone, and trying to be gentle or kind with ourselves (or at least refrain from beating ourselves up—’if you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all’)?

Often the story that gets told about meditation is that it will be ‘relaxing,’ ‘stress-relieving,’ and ‘blissful.’ While all of these experiences are possible, for many people the experience with meditation or compassion practices is the exact opposite of peaceful, relaxing, and positive. For some, depending on the practice, just focusing on one’s breath can bring about extreme anxiety or worry thoughts, bringing to mind a loved one can bring about grief and loss, imagining oneself as a young child can bring about sadness or pain, considering the suffering of all beings may bring about guilt or overwhelm.

It is important to notice whether we are bringing any expectations to the compassion practice. Often people will say that the compassion practices are not ‘working.’ When we investigate what they mean by this, they are often referring to the experience of not feeling relaxed after the meditation. While relaxation and stress relief can be the goal of some meditations, in general this is not the case with compassion meditation. Compassion is ultimately about suffering, which can at times feel difficult to sit with.

Compassion is ultimately about sufferingCompassion is ultimately about suffering, which can be uncomfortable.

Finally, people often bring the expectation that because a compassion practice generated a certain feeling or experience before (e.g., yesterday or last week), it ‘should’ or will generate a similar feeling or experience today. FACT: reality is constantly changing (time is passing and the Earth is rotating as you read this), and thus it is a bit of a fallacy to expect that we, and the practice, will be the same day in and day out. Because the practice is different every day, we have something ‘new’ to reflect on after each practice.

It may simply be the case that the activities aren’t right for you. If loving-kindness doesn’t seem to be increasing your compassion, try something else, like writing about a time when you felt like someone showed compassion toward you, or a time when you felt spontaneous compassion for another. It is important to be open to another possibility: perhaps compassion practices aren’t what you need right now. The good news is that there are many varieties of different contemplative practices available that can help you to become more present and non-judgmental.

Establishing new habits takes time. Be patient and keep trying. One day, you might find yourself more open to suffering—and more capable of addressing it—than you’ve ever been before.      .      .

PRETTY  HEADY  STUFF.     .     .     ?

Here’s the Skinny:

We are all

C  O  M  P  A  S  S  I  O  N  A  T  E        B  E  I  N  G  S

who can grow into greater

C  O  M  P  A  S  S  I  O  N  A  T  E       B  E  I  N  G  S
(much easier than you’d think)

Want the ultimate bare bones version:

Questions, Class?

 

TREATING A PERSON

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P A T C H     A D A M S

.        .        .the movie came out in 1998.          .          .

has the message been lost or diminished over the past twenty years?

HAS THE MESSAGE

been any more needed over these past twenty years

or.          .          .

NOW

I’ve shown this movie clip

several times over the past twenty years

in several of my presentations

with usually great feed back

but the only feedback

the only reaction I’m really seeking

is the intimate part that speaks especially to you.          .          .

Having worked in the Hospice Healthcare World since 1994

I have seen many terminal diseases

not so much been courageously fought

as audaciously been lost,

h       o       r       r       i       b       l       y

but I’ve also witnessed and been partners with

some of the fiercest

superior

C A R E G I V E R S

L O V E R S

H E A L E R S

who have taught

re-taught

illustrated

L        I        V        E        D

that treating a person

is a guaranteed win.          .          .
(universally)

The Shame

The Horror

The Embarrassment

KNOWING THIS

doesn’t always mean

DOING THIS

TREAT A PERSON

Pssssssssssssssst:

No Medical Degree

Bachelor Degree

No Master Degree

No Doctorate

No License

No Master of Divinity

No Ordination

n e c e s s a r y

(e   v   e   r)

QUICK:

wait no longer.          .          .

Treat      a      Person
(kindly, compassionately, lovingly, unfailingly)

 

 

X-RAY of the SOUL

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And so there it is.            .
.
My poor left knee.          .          .

Most likely more than you wanted or needed to see, huh.          .          .

And yet it shows the painful truth that at nearly

6  3

I have arthritis

and I am bone on bone

because of all the years of running;

Hmmmmmm and here I thought I was actually taking care of myself.       .       .

It wasn’t the 8 marathons

so much the

T R A I N I N G

for the 8 marathons

AND ffter having a really rough time getting in and out of a car

climbing up and down stairs

getting out of a chair

or even walking comfortably

I finally

with the advice of my family doctor

went to see in orthopedic surgeon.      .     .

He confirmed what  my knees were screaming:

‘your knees maybe nearly 63 years of age but they look like a 95-year-old man’s.          .          .

O            U            C            H

~~Literally~~O U C H
.        .        . after talking and confirming the obvious

we talk different plans and maybe different interventions

The least invasive was

getting a Cortizone shot
(It was painless)

and even more so

before I actually got off the examination table

I was pain-free for the first time in 3+ years.           .          .

I           N           C           R           E           D           I           B           L           E
It  kind of got me to thinking though.       .       .

if I can take a shot for something like this

and alleviate this physical pain

that I have Night and day

and worsened under certain conditions.            .            .

Is there such a shot intervention for the pain in the

S      O      U      L.          .          .


I believe there is.          .          .

I believe you’ve experienced that

I believe without going to a physician

or counselor

you can have that even at this very second;

I believe it can last longer than three weeks

or three months or

possibly even six months at its best.          .          .

I believe it has no downside

no side effects

and the only bad reaction

is limited to how often I apply

or take the treatment/intervention/therapy.        .        .

It’s the most effective,
least evasive,
absolutely cheapest,

without a doubt the best guaranteed treatment available.          .          .

In fact it not only what makes a soul,

A  SOUL
But it’s also what

D     E     F     I     N     E     S          I     T :

C           O           M           P            A           S           S           I          O          N

If it were possible to take an x-ray of the soul

each and everyone

would contain this element of compassion
and the only obstacle would be  how we dispense it
and how often we do.         .        .

And this is where we believe the  L  I  E  S :

COMPASSION can only be dispensed very sparingly or else it will cease to be compassion

or very effective compassion.             .
.
THAT
Every once in a while compassion is all that’s needed

not each time or one time but every time.           .          .

The shot of compassion normally does another soul good

but
E          S          P          E          C          I          A          L          L          Y

THE  O N E   S O U L

which dispenses it even better with greater effects.           .          .

THIS  COMPASSION

(GIVEN)

absolutely has no limit;

no shelf life

no expiration date

W             H             E             N

GIVEN and RECEIVED

f             r             e             e             l             y

not just magical

but miraculous things

take place to both the Giver and the Receiver

The   B A D     N E W S :

T               H               A               T

Will never show up on an x-ray
or an MRI
or a blood test;

there will never really be a device
a mechanism
and instrument

that’ll ever be able to measure
I  T
but there won’t be a device
and instrument
a mechanism
that will ever be able to deny it.           .          .

Some of this out giving

Of   C O M P A S S I O N

from your soul to another soul

may not be able to be completely measured;

B          U          T

it will be absolutely

unequivocally

undeniably

not just received

but wonderfully

E           X           P           E           R           I           E           N           C           E          D

Uhhhhhhhh, Yeah.          .          .

I don’t want to shot of that

(I  WANT  AN  OVER  DOSE)

Pssssssssssssssbsssst,  R E M E M B E R:

Pay Attention, Class:

The Power of TWO CENTS

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It wasn’t the first time.     .     .

but it might’ve been one of the most memorable;

Each year in May

Lake Erie Harley Davidson

has a bike blessing.        .       .

It took place this past Saturday and although the crowd wasn’t overwhelming we had two types of blessings.      .     .

The first place around 8:45 in the morning for a group of women who were getting ready to make a journey together and I blessed about 20 bikes and their riders.           .          .

Pancakes and coffee were being served and about 11 o’clock I was able to bless about a 80 more bikes and their riders

and a little girl and her helmet.         .          .

A cross that was given to a man by a son who died

A Rosary

A dog named, Mr Hanks

As we began I gave a short little meditation talking about how life really isn’t so much a destination as it is a journey and our best adventures are those trips that have no GPS and take us to places we never even planned or dreamed but arrived with stories to share, anyway.         .        .

I told them as I was going to come to each of their bikes and give them

MY    T W O     C E N T S.          .          .

literally:

I had a Baptismal Fount that I had filled with pennies and I reminded them that as much as I was going to give them my two cents they would understand that by receiving these two-not-so-priceless-pennies of their own choosing,

it would serve as a gentle reminder THEY WOULD NEVER BE PENNILESS and to always keep THEIR  C E N T S (sense) about them in a world, where on the road, so many others often don’t.         .        .

The sun was warm.
The sky was blue.
The air was calm.
And I sent each on their way with the admonition to:

KEEP    THE    SHINY    SIDE    UP

It was a great day.           .          .

I got to listen to quite a few people’s bike adventures
as I asked each just how many miles they had on their bikes
and assuring them as a blessing

THAT  THEIR  BEST  MILES  WERE  THOSE  THEY’VE  YET  TO  TRAVEL

 I was once again affirmed of what I firmly believe
that everyone has a story to tell that desperately needs to be told
but even more so needs to be heard.        .        .

I was honored to hear about some of their trips and adventures and the one still yet to be taken.          .          .

The day after, Mike Stevens, the owner of Lake Erie Harley Davidson sent me the following email, thanking me for my time and securing May 18, 2019 for the next
BIKE BLESSING.        .       .

He also included the following email from one who had just gotten his bike Blessed:

After Bike blessing—-we had family over for a get together. When everyone left my brother n law Russ and I were talking and I told him about the blessing and gave him 1 cent —–he thought that was great.  We decided to go to Valley City to get a burger. We took separate  cars .  Lisa and I were following Russ and his girlfriend down 252 . We were behind him about fifty feet. He was going down the steep hill on 252.  I heard a loud sound and slammed  on the brakes in time to avoid a truck in my lane which we avoided –it hit a tree next to us. I jumped out of the car and looked down the hill  and saw 100 feet of car parts all over the road –Russ my brother in law was hit by the truck. Wheels off the truck and his car were laying in the road. I noticed Russ’s car at the bottom of the hill off the road and into a tree. Ran down the hill to the car —car was destroyed. Was able to get the door open and get them out . Russ ‘s girlfriend was hurt and Russ was cut up but no stay in hospital . When we were taking them home  Russ thanked me for 1cent…

MAGICALLY  MONEY.          .          .

makes   C   E   N   T   S
(s e n s e)


Quite a special TWO CENTS worth, huh?

I made it clear to Mike that I neither had a special powers

nor could distribute them

I mean.          .          .

R E A L L Y.          .          .

But I also assured him

that what he did THAT morning

by bringing people together

from all walks of life

with a myriad of their own personal TWO CENT life stories

and put me in a place where I had the honor to hear

T  H  O  S  E      S  T  O  R  I  E  S

especially one very life-changing one.              .          .

was  the

ABRACADABRA   MAGICALLY   MIRACLE   MOMENT

Pssssssssssssssbsssst of the Day:

We are ALL a part of those Magical Moments
(more than we notice or have the CENTS (sense)to recognize)

.          .          .and that’s my

 

 

Thinking what I THUNK

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O      V      E      R      T      H      I      N      K      I      N      G

often    leads   to

E      X      C      E      S      S      I      V      E

if   not   in   fact

O        B        S        E        S        S        I        V        E

OVER  FEELING.          .         .

you  think.          .          .          ?

Have you ever gotten THAT dreaded piece of mail

that tells you that you are to report to the Courthouse on such and such a date

OR  ELSE.          .          .

When I first received it I made the call and begged off because of an already planned/paid for short vacation after Easter.          .          .

They told me that was completely understandable and that they would re-schedule me and I got yet another notice to appear

OR  ELSE.          .          .

So fearing/respecting the

OR  ELSE

I appeared this past Monday and after more than half of a day of reading a most awesome book

(YES, YOU  SHOULD  ABSOLUTELY  READ  THIS  BOOK)

My name was called

(very poorly mispronounced)

I went up to the Courtroom with about 25 others and actually sat in the Juror’s box

(I was Proud Juror #6)

for a day and a half

and answered questions from the Judge, The Prosecutor and the Defense Lawyer, I thought quite thoroughly, intelligently and sincerely.  I even added complimentary comments when the entire group was posed a question or a ‘what-if’ kind of scenario.  .  .

I had mixed feelings about even being a Juror just because of the time element and actually going to work at a job I like, enjoy, and hopefully enhance.          .          .

But now in the Box and hearing the compliments of how being a Juror was only second to serving our country in the military, and even further being complimented when I informed the Court that if this case were to carry over into the next week, I had made arrangements to change a previous speaking engagement.

I was asked by the Prosecutor about this blog, THE CARING CATALYST and what I was attempting to do by writing it three times a week and when I responded to hopefully make us not only more aware that we are a Caring/Compassionate lot but also how to become even more so for the good of others and even our own individual selves; he told me what a great venture and wished me luck.          .          .

And then at approximately 4:05 p.m. on Tuesday afternoon after dismissing at least 10 other jurors and questioning 10 others, he paused and said,

“Mr. Behrens, we appreciate you service and respectfully dismiss you at this time.”

WAIT.          .          .

WHAT.        .          .

You’re DISMISSING me.          .          .

M E?

I almost blurted, “There must be some mistake.         .          .”

Instead, I mumbled out, “The honor was mine, thank you for the opportunity.”

The Judge let me out his little back door, shook my hand, and expressed his personal thanks for being in a position where I might have taken care of some of his family and personal friends as a Chaplain at Hospice of the Western Reserve.     .     .

and then, like that, I was riding down the Elevator of shame back to the Juror’s Pool to be chosen and possibly rejected yet again, when I was met by a young man with a paisley bow tie who, too, thanked me for my time and let me know that my services would no longer be needed the rest of the week as he handed me my Juror’s Diploma

O        U        C        H

Dissed twice in a matter of five minutes.          .          .

I was reeling as I took the walk to my $13.00 dollar a day parking lot where my car even seemed to hide from me in shame.            .          .

How.     .     .HOW COULD THIS BE?

Who.    .      .WHO  WOULDN’T  WANT  ME  ON  THEIR  JURY?

Was I too polite

Wat I overdressed (just wearing business casual while others jean and sweat pants it)

Was I too compassionate

Was I too empathetic

Was I too sympathetic 

Was I too Caring

Was I too knowledgeable

Was I too opinionated 

Was I too impartial

Was I too biased

Was I too unfeeling

Was I too INTO IT

WHAT.          .          .WHAT.          .          .W     H     A     T  ?

It’s true.          .          .

I didn’t want to go;

I didn’t want to be there

even as I drove there Monday morning

but when I was in that Box, I was

INVESTED

and then

DIS vested

I didn’t sleep good Tuesday night

I ranted to my poor co-workers on Wednesday at David Simpson Hospice House

and then after our long team meeting and Rounds

I do what I do best:

Visited Patients

and IT

shouted to me 

this is why I am here

and not THERE

(THEN)

She asked me, “why am I afraid to die if I believe I’m going to heaven?”

He asked me, “if we all have to die, why can’t we all just die peacefully in our sleep without any struggles or terrible diseases.”

She asked me, “Will I see the face of Jesus?”

And it wasn’t so much what I said so much as that I was just

THERE

not at the Courthouse in a Juror’s box or a Juror’s waiting room but

T        H        E        R       E

not just with random patients, but

T            H            E            S            E

particular patients 

to hear the questions and to not blink,not turn away, not judge, not decide, not to hypothesize, suppose, ruminate or theologize or ‘there, there‘ them.       .       .

but just to be there

holding space.       .       .

I can’t think

what I think

until I think

As I write this blog,

two days after being DISMISSED

I can think what I THUNK:

It’s a lie:

It’s not that it’s darkest before the dawn

Charlie Brown’s Teacher talk Wha wha wha whaaaaaaaing that brings us

peace

meaning

resolution

understanding

hope

so much as the fact that

there’s   never   been   a   dark   night  (of the Soul)

that’s   lasted   forever;

now.          .          .

that’s thinking

what’s been THUNK

but needs RE-THUNKING

t      h      a      t

and the message that coursed itself through

T      H      A      T

book, ORDINARY GRACES

which quoted Aeschylus in the beginning and then explained its meaning throughout the novel.       .       .

It’s a quote that is also on the tombstone of Robert F. Kennedy:

“AND  EVEN  IN  OUR  SLEEP  PAIN  THAT  CANNOT  FORGET, FALLS  DROP  BY  DROP  UPON  THE  HEART,  AND  IN  OUR  OWN  DESPITE,  AGAINST  OUR  WILL, COMES  WISDOM  TO  US  BY  THE AWFUL  GRACE  OF  GOD,”

Y  e  a  h.          .          .

I’m thinking

what’s been thunk

needs re-thunking.          .           .

you?

The PROOF is in the GIVING

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Our Brains Are Wired To Give…

“Suppose you could be hooked up to a hypothetical “experience machine” that, for the rest of your life, would stimulate your brain and give you any positive feelings you desire. Most people to whom I offer this imaginary choice refuse the machine. It is not just positive feelings we want: we want to be entitled to our positive feelings.” — Dr. Martin Seligman

In 2014, a study led by neuroscientist Molly J. Crocket shed light on how much humans care about others relative to themselves. The results were surprising. They showed that, on average, people were willing to pay twice as much money to prevent someone else receiving an electric shock than the amount of money they would pay to prevent receiving the same amount of shock themselves.

At first, the conclusions seem puzzling. How does this fit with our survival bias, our innate sense of self-protection in the face of danger? A little experiment may help us understand this apparent contradiction.

In the next few days, do the following two things:

  1. Something fun.
  2. Something altruistic.

Plan both events and write about how you think doing those two different acts will make you feel. Then, immediately after completing the two activities, write down how you actually feel. At the end of the day, write down how you feel again, long after both events happened.

More likely than not, the high of doing something fun will last for a little bit and then fade away. It is a satisfaction that consumes itself shortly after the activity ends. If you go to the cinema and you enjoyed the movie, you will feel good after leaving the premises, but you won’t carry that feeling much longer after that.

However, if you perform a random act of kindness the feeling-good effect will endure for hours after the event happened. Try helping someone who can’t help you back; do it anonymously, or listening to someone in need. Or donating to a cause you truly believe in. The positive feelings stemming from the altruistic act will last for a long time after the event happened.

… And Positive Psychology Knows Why

Positive psychology is the field behind the scientific theory of happiness. Not so long ago, psychology focused only on helping troubled minds go back to a healthy state; Patients suffering from depression and other mental disorders. It sought to bring these patients back from “-10 to 0” on the well-being scale.

Positive psychology, on the other hand, looks to answer the question “what can make a healthy mind thrive?”. It looks scientifically into how we can go from “0 to +10” on the well-being scale. The father of positive psychology is Dr. Martin Seligman, author of books like “Authentic Happiness” and “Learned Optimism” and the founder of the Positive Psychology Center at the University of Pennsylvania.

After years of research, he came up with 5 core pillars that act as the infrastructure to our psychological well-being and happiness. It is called the PERMA model:

  • P for Positive Emotion: feeling good, optimism, pleasure and enjoyment.
  • E for Engagement: doing fulfilling work, having exciting hobbies, immersing oneself in a sense of “flow”.
  • R for Relationships: deep social connections, love, intimacy, emotional and physical interaction with others.
  • M for Meaning: having a purpose in life.
  • A for Accomplishment: setting and pursuing goals, realizing your ambition, living with a sense of achievement.

You can experience all of these in a single act of giving, whether it’s sharing a meal with a friend or donating a large sum to a good cause.

Why   Giving   Fulfills   Us

Giving adds to our lives in many different ways, but is also exactly in line with the PERMA model.

  • When we give, we generate positive emotions. This, among other things, triggers a physical reaction: the release of dopamine. This hormone is secreted by the brain and regulates pleasure. It also helps us create habits by stimulating the repetition of the activity that brought us pleasure in the first place, over and over again.
  • Giving also helps us make our relationships more engaging. It enhances the quality of our interactions with others. To receive the appreciation of someone we have just helped is not only rewarding at an individual level, but also a powerful way to cement our social bond with that person.

However, giving goes well beyond facilitating positive emotions or better interactions with others. It can become a profound driver of our success in life, by contributing directly to the meaning and accomplishment components of the PERMA model.

Giving   As   Purpose

In “Grit: The Power of Passion and Perseverance” by Penn’s psychologist Angela Duckworth, I learned about Kat Cole. Cole started her career waitressing at Hooters while finishing her high school. She later rose up to become vice president of the company at age 26. Today, Kat Cole is Group President of Focus Brands, an investor, humanitarian and advisor.

Here’s her attitude on giving:

“By doing good for just one person, in just one moment, you can affect the trajectory of many things, of many lives, all over the world. Even if in some situations it’s not easy to be kind, gracious or positive, keep in mind it’s not just that moment that you are affecting, it’s many moments into the future.”

She differentiates between productive achievers and destructive achievers. As per her own description in a recent interview:

“There are a lot of people who have been incredibly successful by the typical person’s definition, financially or in terms of career acceleration, but have done it destructively, by not lifting others up and bringing them along. Then there are those who have been productive achievers, who have also brought others along with them and made a difference.”

For Cole, her giving attitude implied raising others and bringing them along in her path towards growth. A deep sense of purpose, rooted on an abundance mentality, had a significant impact on her professional success.

Happiness has to be earned. It cannot be chased. It cannot be manufactured. Happiness is about the consistency of our daily actions with our principles. The way we respond to the daily demands of life. In that context, a virtuous circle of gratitude and giving — as proven by positive psychology, the science of happiness — becomes a critical element of a fulfilling life.

And now.      .       . THE  BIG  Sooooooooooo:

Psssssssssssssssssssssssssst:

LIFE is not a zero-sum game. An abundance mindset is both possible and practical. Science has shown our brains are wired to give because they prolong positive emotions from such interactions. Positive Psychology confirms this and gives us a model we can use to become productive achievers: PERMA.

It always comes back to one simple question:
Do you have a Caring Catalyst Heart.        .        .
There’s only one way to truly answer:
G     I     V     E            I     T
Professional Speaker, Author, Assurance Man