The Caring Catalyst

Who Cares - What Matters

A PARADE OF ONE

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On our morning walk
we didn’t find a parade,
One found and included us.  . .

It was different this year,
wasn’t it?  
MEMORIAL DAY
Yes, we know it’s the start of summer
. . . it used to be the start of summer vacations
. . . it used to be trips and vacation spots
hotdogs, potato salad, family gatherings,
it used to be a lot of fun. . .
It was different this year
and maybe not even because of the pandemic. . .
Maybe it’s because we remember different this year;
maybe right now even in the midst of
our-at-the-very-moment heartbeats,  
we are writing a History
no book has ever held.  . .

And maybe
MEMORIAL DAY
with all of its modifications this year
is even more special
than all the years that we’ve celebrated it
in the past. . .
And just maybe
that’s what will remember
about this
MEMORIAL DAY
Instead of us commemorating it,
IT
now commemorates each and everyone of us
in the most special and significant way.  . .

Maybe. . .

With a most
sincere
honest
pure
Parade of One
(y o u)

(NOTE THE REASON FOR THIS SPECIAL
SECOND BLOG POST ON MEMORIAL DAY
IS A THING OF RECOGNITION AND HONOR FOR):

OAT’ed UP

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I shared this over three years ago under much different circumstances;
C I R C U M S T A N C E S
that could have never have been imagined
and far from understood
C I R C U M A T A N C E S
that still
even at our most current moment
are difficult to imagine
and feel far from being understood. . .

B U T

Maybe there’s another
a different way
of seeing
I T :
There is sowing your oats
and then there is serving them,
eating them
and digesting
all the goodness
that can’t begin to fit on a spoon,
in a bowl
or even on a cafeteria tray
or a table. . .
EAT UP!
and make a NOTE
of BEING
THE GOOD YOU MAKE

Feeling IT

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(You can find a number of helpful coronavirus resources and all related Tiny Buddha articles here.)

“When we can talk about our feelings, they become less overwhelming, less upsetting and less scary.” ~Fred Rogers

If you are a human on earth at the moment, you’re likely feeling the uncertainty and anxiety of living in the time of a pandemic. It’s not something we have seen before in our lifetime, so every step is a new one, and the end is unknown and nowhere in sight.

Everyone is coping in their own way. Some are fearful and anxious right now. Others insist on staying on the positive side. Still others are in denial and perhaps will feel the emotional effects later or when it hits their area. Or, more commonly it seems, we have some combination of all three at various times throughout the same day.

It’s all normal. . .
Until it’s not

I was minding my own business Monday night
when the news slapped me across the face
and alerted me about Dr. Lorna Breen, a front line New York City ER Doctor who had to not only deal with the COVID-19
but herself was infected and had recently recovered from it
and had just started back to work
before being sent back home to Virginia
to recover further with her family. . .

Dr. Breen, 49, did not have a history of mental illness, her father said. But he said that when he last spoke with her, she seemed detached, and he could tell something was wrong. She had described to him an onslaught of patients who were dying before they could even be taken out of ambulances.
“She was truly in the trenches of the front line,” he said.
He added: “Make sure she’s praised as a hero, because she was. She’s a casualty just as much as anyone else who has died.”

Listen,
I haven’t missed a day of work since we have been sheltered in place
but I haven’t knowingly dealt with any patient that has tested positive for COVID-19; I have witnessed thousands of deaths, some terribly filled with suffering but none with this disease who have had to not only endure dying but often without any one, let alone a cherished love one, by there sides.
I HAVE NO IDEA
no understanding
and no personal willingness to find out. . .

I have come to realize there is no right or wrong way to feel emotionally. Everyone is doing the best they can based on their own coping style and I have the awesome blessing of merely
c o m p a n i o n i n g
them
instead of trying to
FIX THEM

As a life-long recovering people-pleaser,
I used to try to talk people out of their feelings,
make them feel better
by taking over responsibility for their emotions. . .
Essentially,
I had to fix them to make myself feel better. . .

H E Y

People have a right to be angry.

Everyone has the right to feel anxious.

It is not my job to judge how anyone reacts to life. . .
It’s theirs. . .

It is my job to be a compassionate witness to their suffering and to my own suffering. . .

Every day
I go back to School to learn this lesson
It’s a hard subject to learn
(if it’s even a possible goal)
Life as an empath
One who feels intensely,
can sometimes feel you are being tossed around
in a tiny boat in an open ocean,
with no solid ground. . .
When some are looking for
GROUND ZERO
others are just looking for a piece of solid sod
to plant their feet. . .
It’s a terrible feeling.
So we struggle,
we fight,
we gasp for air,
and occasionally come up to breathe
for long enough to see
the sun setting on the horizon
and better still–
TO SEE IT RISE AGAIN
in the Morning

We wonder
don’t we
how other people seem to live easier,
to ride the waves smoother
and leave storms behind
as they head for calmer waters. . .
Until we find out that we see and feel things differently,
more acutely,
and have to learn the skills to row efficiently,
with the wind,
and in the preferred direction
without a broken compass. . .
It’s one thing to be a little boat
getting tossed about
and it’s another to do it without
a life jacket. . .

During this time
when the world can feel overwhelming
and too,
too much,
just take the time
to do a little check up
from the neck up

Notice where you are, who you are with, and what you are doing.

Breathe into the tight areas and imagine
breathing out your compassion
into the world.

If someone you are with is anxious, can you stay present and breathe?
If not, take a break and find compassion for yourself.

Notice what you are consuming—news, stressful or needy people, violence in movies or TV;
decrease and take lots of nature breaks. . .

It’s real easy to see
and to know
that we are all in this together
but it means nothing
unless we act like it
BEGINNING WITH OURSELVES

N O W
THAT IS
FEELING IT

MORE than JUST

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I’ve always been captivated
by a
Mustard Seed
it’s size
it’s might
it’s story(S). . .

There is an old Chinese tale about a woman whose only son died. In her grief, she went to the holy man and asked, “What prayers, what magical incantations do you have to bring my son back to life?”

Instead of sending her away or reasoning with her, he said to her, “Fetch me a mustard seed from a home that has never known sorrow. We will use it to drive the sorrow out of your life.” The woman went off at once in search of that magical mustard seed.

She came first to a splendid mansion, knocked at the door, and said, “I am looking for a home that has never known sorrow. Is this such a place? It is very important to me.”

They told her, “You’ve certainly come to the wrong place,” and began to describe all the tragic things that recently had befallen them.

The woman said to herself, “Who is better able to help these poor, unfortunate people than I, who have had misfortune of my my own?”

She stayed to comfort them, then went on in search of a home that had never known sorrow. But wherever she turned, in hotels and in other places, she found one tale after another of sadness and misfortune.

The woman became so involved in helping others cope with their sorrows that she eventually let go of her own. She would later come to understand that it was the quest to find the magical mustard seed that drove away her suffering.

From a
T H A T
came
T H I S
which always makes it so much more than a
J U S T

How is it
the tiny 
holds the infinite 
tirelessly
endlessly
without us all bearing
its weight

Which be you
A mustard seed Farmer
A mustard seed Sower
A mustard seed Cultivater
A mustard seed Harvester
A mustard seed Distributor 
A mustard seed Holder

There’s only one thing better
than the unnoticed 
in the each of us
A mustard seed Giver

We 
the tiny mustard seed
don’t need faith
its size
but the unblinded eye
to even fuzzily see
we’ve always possessed it
all ways
been possessed by it
without rarely harnessing it

How
how it is
the infinitesimal 
holds the immense
held in the each of us
tirelessly
endlessly
if not 
in each’s other
for an ever
Oh uprooter of trees
mover of mountains
making us more than
j u s t s
How


Right Words at Wrong Times

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Illustration by Simoul Alva 

I recently read an article from Harvard Business Review
that spoke some
RIGHT WORDS
at some
WRONG TIMES. . .

When New York Governor Andrew Cuomo announced that all nonessential workers should stay home to slow the spread of the novel coronavirus, a reporter asked why he had decided to issue a “shelter-in-place” order. Cuomo corrected him:

“It is not shelter in place. Words matter, because people are scared, and people panic. Shelter in place is used currently for an active shooter or a school shooting. We are fighting a war on two fronts. We are fighting the virus, and we are fighting fear. When we act on fears, then we’re in a dangerous place.”

Throughout much of human history, leaders have relied on their words to spark action. And many economists and CEOs today swear that words are the most important tool in a world where “command and control” leadership has given way to power by persuasion.

Cuomo has mastered the skill. His press briefings demonstrate how in times of crisis, words are essential to capturing the attention and trust of your audience. Business leaders who want to serve as beacons of clarity and hope for their teams during this uncertain time can follow his lead by applying a few best practices to their speech.

Replace long words with short ones.  . .
In his groundbreaking book Thinking, Fast and Slow, Nobel economist Daniel Kahneman writes, “If you care about being thought credible and intelligent, do not use complex language where simpler language will do.” Effective leaders speak in simple language — and simple means short.

This is especially true during a crisis, when attention spans are flagging and noise levels are high. People are being bombarded by information, some of which is misleading or false. The clearer and more concise you are, the better your chances of getting your message across and persuading people to act on it.

In mid-March, when Cuomo issued the order that would upend life for millions of New Yorkers and shut down the world’s financial center, he had to make the news instantly clear and understandable. So he tweeted this message: “Stay Home. Stop the Spread. Save Lives.” The post spoke volumes — in just 39 characters amounting to seven one-syllable words.

If Cuomo had tried to come off as what many consider “professional,” his message might have sounded like this: “For the preservation of public health and safety, I hereby order all residents not engaged in essential activities that impact critical infrastructure to remain in their residences in order to mitigate the propagation of the coronavirus and to minimize morbidity and mortality.”

Consider the two messages side-by-side. The “professional” version is confusing and convoluted, full of the bureaucratic jargon effective communicators avoid. The Twitter message uses simple Anglo-Saxon words such as “stay,” “home,” and “lives.”  Compared with words derived from Latin, Anglo-Saxon words are more likely to be monosyllabic, concrete, and easy to understand.

As you think about how to share your next message, remember that language influenced by the Anglo-Saxon period has been used by many great leaders. Winston Churchill once said, “The shorter words of a language are usually the more ancient. Their meaning is more ingrained in the national character and they appeal to greater force.” In a memo titled “Brevity,” he urged government administrators to replace long “woolly phrases” with single conversational words, pointing out that brevity equals clarity and that directness makes things easier to understand.

Find analogies.  . .
Neuroscientists have found that our brains process the world by associating the new or unknown with something familiar. When presented with a novel idea, our brains don’t ask, “What is it?” They ask, “What is it like?”

Isn’t this why Dr. Amy Acton is so effective in her daily appearances along side Governor Mike DeWine of Ohio? Analogies answer that question. They serve as mental shortcuts that help us understand complex events. Leaders who are great communicators in a crisis are skilled at finding analogies, because they have to persuade people to act quickly.

Cuomo used that strategy on April 4, resurrecting President Franklin D. Roosevelt’s “fire hose” analogy to explain why it was in Oregon’s best interests to send 140 ventilators to New York. “We’re all in the same battle,” he said. “You want to contain the enemy. Oregon could have a significant problem towards May. Our problem is now. It’s smart from Oregon’s self-interest. They see the fire spreading. Stop the fire where it is before it gets to my home.”

Let’s look at the original context. In 1940, with Nazi Germany having set its sights on England after conquering France, Churchill appealed to Roosevelt for arms and supplies. In response, Roosevelt proposed the Lend-Lease program, under which America would loan war supplies to allies while remaining neutral itself. Here’s how he sold it to the public: “Suppose my neighbor’s home catches fire, and I have a length of garden hose four or five hundred feet away,” he said. “If he can take my garden hose and connect it up with his hydrant, I may help him to put out his fire.”

Roosevelt emphasized that he wouldn’t ask his neighbor to pay for the hose ahead of time. If it was intact after the war, the neighbor would return it. If it was damaged, the neighbor would replace it. The message, in short: Although both sides are acting out of self-interest, they can work together to stop chaos from spreading.

After drawing on Roosevelt’s analogy from 80 years before, Cuomo observed that “FDR had such a beautiful way of taking complicated issues and communicating [them] in common-sense language.”

Personalize the crisis.  . .
The human brain is also wired for storytelling. In his best-selling book Sapiens, historian Yuval Noah Harari argues that it was only through stories that our species was able to conquer the world. Our advanced language skills — specifically, our ability to connect with one another through narrative — allowed us to cooperate in ways other species could not.

Cooperation is essential in a crisis, so effective leaders need to be strong storytellers.

Dr. Deborah Birx, the White House’s Coronavirus Response Coordinator, is a case in point. She has built a reputation for using personal stories to connect with her audiences. On March 25 she told a heart-wrenching story to underscore the importance of social distancing.

Birx’s grandmother, Leah, was just 11 years old during the 1918 flu pandemic, which killed some 50 million people. Leah caught the flu and infected her mother, who had a comprised immune system and died from the disease. “[Leah] never forgot that she was the child who was in school who innocently brought that flu home,”Birx said. “My grandmother lived with that for 88 years. This is not a theoretical. This is a reality.”

Birx told the story to reinforce her key message: All Americans play a role in protecting one another. The message appears to be working. On April 8, she announcedthat expected deaths from Covid-19 had dropped from earlier forecasts because “Americans are…following through on these behavioral changes.”

Observe the rule of three.  . .
Scholars of rhetoric and persuasion argue that people like things grouped in threes, because we can hold only a few items in short-term memory. If you give people three instructions, they’re likely to remember them all. Give them five, six, or more, and they’ll probably forget most of them. And people can’t act on what they can’t remember.

In a crisis, leaders who give fewer instructions — but more-concrete ones — are more likely to see people act on their words.

Dr. Anthony Fauci, the director of the National Institute of Allergy and Infectious Disease at the National Institutes of Health, is widely admired for his straight talk and steady demeanor. CNN has called him “a public force” who translates complex medical information into everyday language. His strategy? “You don’t want to impress people and razzle-dazzle them with your knowledge,” Fauci says. “You just want them to understand what you’re talking about.”

To that end, Fauci often limits himself to three key points. For example, in an April 5 appearance on Face the Nation, he said the country would be able to relax social-distancing guidelines only when three things were in place: “the ability to test, isolate, and do contact tracing.”

Fauci also stressed that Americans must continue to “physically separate” from one another by doing three things: staying six feet apart, limiting gatherings to 10 or fewer people, and avoiding mass interactions, such as in restaurants, bars, and theaters.

Like a virus, words are infectious. They can instill fear and panic or facilitate understanding and calm. Above all, they can spark action. So choose them carefully.

It’s so easy to
get our
WIRES CROSSED
these days
which makes it all the more important
To not just say the
RIGHT WORDS
at these
WRONG TIMES
but to make sure
they’re not so much
H E A R D
as they so desperately need to be
e x p e r i e n c e d
from
mouth>ear>heart=EXPERIENCED=KNOWN=SHAREABLE to the nth degree
a most uncomplicated Math
that not only can be understood
but taught
learned
experienced
known
s h a r e d

A HOLY PLACE

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I’ve always thought that
THE HOLY
was never a Place
so much as
A PERSON
and more intimately. . .
Y O U
and from that came
THIS:

I went to Church
it wasn’t Church-ing

I went to the Playground
it was no longer a ground for play

I went to the Movies
they weren’t movie-ing

I went to the Show
it wasn’t showing
I went to the Concert Hall
it had been silently hall’ed away
I went to the Park
it was prohibitedly parked

I went to the Mall
it had indefinitely been mall’ed shut
I went to the Store
it had been mostly stored away
I went Home
it had been homed sheltered up
and though familiar 
so utterly unrecognizable 
and then
Then I journeyed in
to a cavern
to a nook
to a creaky cranny 
I seldom visit
And there
t h e r e
was the holy
an altar not often knelt before
a communion rarely shared
a hymn not yet sung
a litany never recited
a homily vaguely strange
(maybe imagined)
a benediction
challenging to go forth
and make a difference 
while urging me to stay
and know a sacred distinction
May be
(be it may)
that what’s Holy
is THAT which is
WHOLLY 
ME
Perfectly Imperfect
ME
Ahhhhhhhhhhh
Christmas, Easter, New Year’s Rosh Hashanah, Yom Kippur, Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, Ramadan, Eid Al-Fitr, Eid Al-Adha, Diwali, Holi, Vesak, Parinirvana Day, Chinese New Year’s
At Once
Wholly
Holy
In Me

First(ALL)Responders

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A picture doesn’t always have to have a caption,
does it. . . ?
and although
this picture
could have many captions
one might be:
MANY HANDS; ONE WORLD
or would it be
THE WORLD IN OUR HANDS
or would it be
RESPONDERS US, ONE IN ALL

We’re all first responders amid coronavirus, armed with kindness, compassion and empathy. . .

Mark Brennan, Dana Winters and Pat Dolan, Opinion contributors from USA TODAY have basically reported what really needs no captioning right now for the picture of our World. . .

Fred Rogers said heroes are those who take responsibility. He also said ‘deep and simple’ acts are most meaningful. We should take his words to heart. . .

“We live in a world in which we need to share responsibility. It’s easy to say, ‘It’s not my child, not my community, not my world, not my problem.’ Then there are those who see the need and respond. I consider those people my heroes.”—Fred Rogers

We are now fully feeling the impacts of the COVID-19 pandemic.  In previous weeks perhaps it seemed imaginary, but now we are faced with a new very daunting reality.  As the scope of pandemic becomes evident and our daily lives are increasingly altered, the absolute need for us to act heroically with empathy, kindness and compassion is ever present. 

Through our research and professional experience, we know one key thing: In times of emergency, providing empathy, kindness and compassion to our fellow citizens is the single most important factor in surviving the initial stages of disaster, limiting suffering, protecting the vulnerable, and quickly recovering in the aftermath of the crisis.

As we have seen, this epidemic is bringing out the best, and worst, in us.  At its worst, we are witnessing people speaking out as fear, frustration, uncertainly and massive disruptions to our daily routines grow.  With these we see increases in victim blaming, intolerance, hostility, and at its very worst, violence stoked by racism and the promotion of xenophobic beliefs. We saw recent examples in London, New York and elsewhere.

We are all first responders

This frightening and uncertain environment also exacerbates social isolation, particularly of the most vulnerable within our society, the old, the ill, the very young and the socially marginalized. The social and psychological toll of this is, and will be, massive.

In the face of a global pandemic, we as individuals are the first responders. Thankfully, we are also seeing inspirational acts — examples of the world sharing responsibility for and with one another, and people giving support to others in their communities even in the face of social-distancing, quarantine and fear. 

In a movement across social media, educators of all levels are reaching out to families to offer expertise and assistance in their sudden new responsibility to home-school their children. Countless posts offer caregivers help in content areas such as math, reading, and science.Laura Ryan does a chalk art message on March 21, 2020 in Swoyersville, Pa. as neighbor Lindsey Stewart watches with her son Seth, 2.

Laura Ryan does a chalk art message on March 21, 2020 in Swoyersville, Pa. as neighbor Lindsey Stewart watches with her son Seth, 2. (Photo: Dave Scherbenco, AP)

In a Tennessee retirement community under quarantine, a son worried about the well-being of his mother and her friends. He turned that worry into action when he brought his guitar and sat outside the windows, serenading the residents who watched through their screens or stood on their balconies. Some sang along, some just listened, but they all felt a sense of connection to the music and each other. Taran and Calliope Tienof Columbus, Ohio, ages 9 and 6 respectively, are providing impromptu concerts for their self-isolating elderly neighbors.

An Irwin, Pennsylvania window-washing company recently advertised “free grocery pickup & delivery for seniors” on a billboard outside its headquarters, and it’s been fielding calls for help ever since. Similarly, Nevada college student Jayde Powell organized “shopping angels” to collect food, prescriptions, and necessary supplies for the elderly, limiting their possible exposure to the coronavirus. The idea has spread across the country and the Nevada group’s GoFundMe account on Monday was more than a third of the way to its $100,000 goal.

Erin leaves notes on our mail box every day for the mail man;
ANOTHER RESPONDER
as a way to say
THANK YOU
without the words
but with
a c t i o n s
. . .actions
that can come from any one of us
not just once
or once in a while
but often
and then repeated
u n e n d i n g l y. . .

These acts of kindness, compassion and empathy continue to grow across the world, and will grow far faster than any seeds of division if we commit to making them more important than hatred or fear. 

‘Deep and simple’ acts are essential

Sometimes the world can look so big that it is hard to know where to start to show kindness, compassion and empathy. It is times like this when the words of humanitarian and children TV presenter and educator the late Fred Rogers ring true: “The deep and simple is far more essential than the shallow and complex.” Even the simplest acts of kindness, compassion and empathy are felt so deeply in times of uncertainty. No act is too simple, no moment too small, to bring comfort and healing. Now is a chance for all of us to act heroically. 

You have the ability and opportunity to ease the fear of children and others by talking to them about what this crisis and ensuring them that scientists and doctors are going to fix this. You have the ability help ensure the health of the elderly by shopping for them to limit their potential exposure, while talking routinely with them to help them feel less isolated and alone. You can challenge victim blaming and hateful speech when you hear it. You can donate time, money, food and your skills to support any need in your community. 

These are but a few small examples. What is important is that you look for opportunities to demonstrate empathy and kindness, and act on them.

Finally, we look back to history. Faced with war, disease, disaster, terrorism and other threats, those we remember for making a difference are those who showed compassion, kindness, and empathy to fellow human beings in their greatest hours of need. These qualities are at the core of our humanity and our capacity to respond and recover from this current crisis.

Together, and supported by each other, we will get through this. . .
We are literally showing the greatest way to get out of Hell
IS THROUGH IT. . .
so we do
. . .we do
one step at a time
and we do it best
HAND IN HAND
(and it may never require touching but it’ll always mean reaching)

F A M I L Y

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It all felt differently yesterday,
didn’t it.       .       .       >
Easter
in one way or another
all of my life was spelled
F  A  M  I  L  Y
and yesterday,
well yesterday
many of us were
FAMILY-LESS
not at our fullest capacities.      .       .
Oh,
we talked on the phone
and Face Timed
but not seeing
not being with each other
because of our
PHYSICAL DISTANCING 
was tough
especially when it came
to talking with my dad
who I haven’t seen in 4 weeks
because he’s been locked down
at a nursing home;
We’ve all heard it.      .     .
We’ve all probably said it.        .        .
We’ve all probably thought it more than ever hearing or saying it:

YOU    CAN    PICK    YOUR    NOSE

YOU    CAN    PICK    YOUR    FRIENDS

BUT    YOU    CAN’T    PICK    YOUR    FAMILY

.          .          .can   they   pick   you?

I remember when our kids were little

and not when they’ve grown older and have had kids of their own:

“You know there’s a legend, an ancient belief that babies actually choose their parents and also have a hand in the life they want to lead, especially in the lessons and challenges they need to face and learn from in their
life.         .         .         .”

I sometimes reminded my kids of this when I wasn’t all that popular with them about decisions or consequences to some of the decisions they
made.     .     .

I’d remind them,

“HEY, REMEMBER, YOU CHOSE ME, YOU CHOSE US.     .     .”

The one thing they never have heard from me

nor ever will:

“YOU    ARE    NOT    A    PART    OF    THIS    FAMILY!”

That would be kind of hard for me since as a

Father

Grandfather

Husband

Professional Speaker

Minister

Chaplain

Man

Person

HUMAN  BEING

I’ve never seen myself as not

 being   a   part   of

F          A          M          I          L          Y

YESTERDAY
It was most painfully apparent for all of us
wasn’t it?

The Take Away.          .         .

No matter what

No matter where

No matter how

No matter when

I     AM     NOT     LEAVING     THIS     FAMILY
(stay with me)
Here’s to our
d     i     s     t     a     n     c     i     n     g
reclaiming
us  all

What’s In It FOR ME?

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It’s a fair question
(normally)
and many right now would say
It’s a FOUL question
(way out of bounds):
WHAT’S IN IT FOR ME?
B U T:

Helping Others Can Help You Cope with our current
Lockdown. . .

In the time of coronavirus,
turning outward
is a win-win prospect. . .

 ELIZABETH SVOBODA, author of, WHAT MAKES A HERO? THE SURPRISING SCIENCE OF SELFLESSNESS has a few ideas about what we know, what we know we know, what we’re especially most afraid of proving what we know
e s p e c i a l l y
when we’re unsure of
NOW
as much as any
TOMORROW
or next week
or next year
or just
N E X T

It’s easy to feel, these days, that we’re swirling in a coronavirus-induced vortex of helplessness. In many regions, COVID-19 case counts are jumping dramatically. Health care workers face impossible decisions about who to disconnect from ventilators. And those of us who remain well must comply with “stay at home” orders, which anchor us in place as the needs of people around us keep growing. 

Our first instinct may be to hunker down and protect ourselves and our immediate families. But to get through these times with our sanity and well-being intact, we may need to push back on this initial impulse—to turn outward, not just inward. Research shows that when we put a high priority on reaching out to others, our own mental and physical health flourish. 

It’s a rare win-win proposition in a bleak landscape: In helping other people get through this crisis, you can help yourself in equal measure. “It’s a way of reframing your existence,” says bioethicist Stephen Post, “getting out from the negative vortex and feeling free to do something that is meaningful.”

Helping buoys the helper,
not just the recipient. . .

While we’ve never faced a foe quite like COVID-19 before, doctors and scientists have studied what happens when people pull together and help others after a setback. About a year after the 2008 financial crisis, when thousands of people lost their jobs and homes, Post and his Stony Brook University colleagues surveyed 4,500 Americans about their volunteering habits and their mental health. 

In the wake of the financial downturn, rates of volunteering were higher than they had been the year before—and that bump came with clear psychological benefits. 

Eighty-nine percent of people felt happier overall thanks to their helping efforts, and 78 percent reported that volunteering helped them better deal with disappointment and loss. About three in four volunteers felt less stressed. Many respondents reported making deeper friendships by connecting with other helpers. 

“When people feel vulnerable, they can take their mind off the self and the problems of the self, and just experience the simple gratification of contributing to the life of another human being,” Post says. “That’s how people were coping.”

Helping also buoys us mentally because it directs our focus away from scary abstractions and back toward concrete, solvable problems. One of this pandemic’s defining features is the numbing parade of numbers—new cases mounting by the thousands, hospitals inching closer to capacity overrun. 

Psychologist Paul Slovic has long contended that our brains check out when we consider the abstract fate of large populations: We aren’t fully equipped to process what it means when a small town’s worth of people dies each day. Concentrating on what individual people need, on the other hand, motivates us to help—and we then reap the benefits that come with that decision. 

At the height of a pandemic, it seems especially relevant that helping promotes robust physical health, as well. 

In a 2013 study of adults over 50, those who volunteered regularly were 40 percent less likely than non-volunteers to have high blood pressure years later. And incredibly, frequent volunteers have lower mortality rates across the board. A Stanford University team reported that, over an eight-year period, people who volunteered occasionally had a 25 percent lower risk of dying than those who didn’t help—while people who volunteered frequently were 33 percent less likely to die. 

Creative stay-at-home helping ventures about. . .

But how do you help people when you’re stuck at home?

Social distancing and shelter-in-place restrictions do put some volunteer opportunities out of reach, especially for members of high-risk groups. It’s enough to make you want to give up; just throw your hands up in the air and literally walk away or just hunker down deeper. . .However, motivated helpers have found plenty of creative ways to serve others remotely. 

When doctors and nurses in the San Francisco Bay Area started running out of personal protection equipment (PPE), thousands of people donated surgical and N95 masks, face shields, antiseptic wipes, and other materials to Kaiser Permanente and other health care organizations. 

After medical students around the country were pulled from clinics, fourth-year University of Michigan student Marina Haque launched an online community under the hashtag #students_against_covid to support and amplify the helping efforts of future doctors. Some students, Haque says, are caring for the children of doctors on the front lines, while others are reaching out to local labs that can donate PPE to hospitals. 

In Boston, high school teacher Randi Stern has created an uplifting newsletter called The Daily Drop, complete with suggested lockdown activities, book recommendations, and inspiring quotes. She sends it regularly to her friends and family. “It calms me for a couple hours each day,” Stern says. “It’s also nice to get emails back in response to what I’ve written.” She enjoys fostering social connection at a time when so many are hungry for it.

On an even more individual level, Kara Loewentheil, a life coach and host of the Unf*ck Your Brain podcast, is offering free web meetings and coaching calls to help people stay grounded and optimistic during the coronavirus pandemic.

Efforts like these are “the key to staying sane, I think,” Loewentheil says. “When we focus on others, we get connected back into the community and big picture and out of our stress-response brain.” 

Matching your strengths
to the right opportunities. . .

We tend to get caught up in thinking that only medical personnel and first responders can make a meaningful difference during this crisis. Yet in the coronavirus era, “simply reaching out to people is being helpful and heroic in small ways,” says University of Richmond psychologist Scott Allison. “Each of us can make a positive difference by tapping into our strengths and sharing them.” 

In a shelter-in-place context, that might mean teaching a free online math class to kids who can’t attend regular school, or a few minutes a day doing Skype check-ins with lonely members of your social circle.

You don’t have to commit full-time to these practices to make a major difference in others’ lives—and your own. In Post’s study, most volunteers “weren’t overdosing. They were volunteering on average 100 hours a year,” he points out. “If you wanted to space that out, you’re talking about a couple of hours a week, more or less.” 

Thinking about helping as an incremental venture, rather than an all-or-nothing one, may help you overcome any initial inertia. Even making a donation to a helping organization whose mission you support—which may take less than a minute—can boost your well-being measurably. 

If you live alone and you’re in good health, you may be eligible for essential helping roles that involve a higher degree of risk. Food banks around the country desperately need volunteers at community centers to distribute produce and pantry staples to households in need. Opportunities like this require you to weigh the positive impact you can have against the likelihood of contracting the virus.

In stepping into a helping identity in times of hardship, Post observes, you can embark on a kind of inner journey philosopher Martin Buber described: the transition from an “I-It” mindset, in which you see other people as peripheral objects in your own universe, to an “I-Thou” mindset, in which you relate to others as worthy, complete beings in their own right. This journey mirrors Joseph Campbell’s vision of finding your highest self in the act of helping others. It’s also a productive alternative to waiting impatiently for a coronavirus vaccine.

“‘They’re gonna come up with something’ is passive,” Post says. “Volunteering is an active form of hope.”

So back to that question:
WHAT’S IN IT FOR ME?
SOMETHING
always equals more than
NOTHING
It’s the simplest
the easiest kind of Math
to ever understand
and it’s universally
u n d e r s t o o d
without fail
What’s in it for me?
E V E R Y T H I N G
or absolutely
n o t h i n g
YOU
CHOOSE

A LOST GIFT

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Like most film clips, this one found me
and more than just finding me
it’s message pierced my heart
and when your heart gets pierced
most of the time 
it beats differently
(at least for a short amount of time)
until it gets pierced again
(and again, and again:
AND IF YOU’RE TRULY ALIVE
countless more times)

Writing in his journal 9 year old Abeer
speaks of his frustrations 
with having to always prove himself
at home
at school
at playtime with friends
never really ever being allowed to 
just be himself

His heartfelt
and eye-opening words
remind us that each child is 
wonderfully and awesomely 
u  N  I   QU  e
and should not just be 
S  E  E  N
as such
but most especially 
cherished
treated
as such

The right-between-the-eyes-straight-through-the-heart-message:
DON’T LOOK AT WHO YOUR CHILD COULD BE
BUT WHO YOUR CHILD IS

As Abeer 
points out so powerfully:
IF CHILDREN TRULY ARE THE BEST GIFT
YOU’RE NOT SUPPOSE TO FIX THE BEST GIFT;

It shot me back to a powerful scene 
from the movie
G L  A  D  I  A  T  O  R

When Joaquin Phoenix’s character, Commodus
is crying for the approval/acceptance of his father,
Richard Harris’s Marcus Aurelius
at which time Aurelius 
sushes his son and says,
“YOUR FAULTS AS A SON IS MY FAILURE AS A FATHER.”

I have had so not proud moments
with each of my children
and when I have blatantly known them
(mostly at that very moment)
I have apologized

I know the greatest blessings of my life are 
my family;
My wife
my children
my grandchildren
my sister and brothers
my parents
my nieces and nephews
my cousins

For me.          .          .
some of the worst moments in my life
is when I have not noticed 
T     H     A     T
Or Worse. . .
when I’ve tried to tamper
TO FIX
what’s ultimately
never been broken
IN THEM
(but not always in me
(FOR, OR BECAUSE OF ME)
Maybe the truest GIFT 
now
is knowing it
and never knowingly do it
a g a i n. . .
To make my love less of a Roller Coaster
and more like the greatest
AMUSEMENT PARK
any person who knows me
(especially children)
could ever visit and
(. . .and better)
NEVER LEAVE

Professional Speaker, Author, Assurance Man