Who Cares - What Matters
We hamster around
from one destination
to multiple journeys
making sure our
ever creaky wheel
spins
s p i n s
s p i n s
Going very quickly
N O W H E R E
only to ferret out
The Greatest Discovery
that we Gerbils
RUN THE WHEEL
only to unveil
THE GREATER DISCOVERY
that the Wheel stops
when the Hamster does
By now
you might have heard of Kodi Lee
a young blind, autistic singer
who sang an old Leon Russell song
last week on AMERICA’S GOT TALENT
B I G D E A L
. . .actually it really was a big deal
because
Kodi is showing us
that it’s not so much the song
AS THE SINGER
B I G D E A L
. . .actually it really is a big deal
because
YOUR SONG
isn’t ever known to the World
until you
SHARE IT
and most don’t because
they’re too busy trying to perfect the notes
or get the lyrics down
trying miserably to rhyme
O R A N G E
. . .but the greatest songs have no real rhyme or reason
and the SINGER
even less than One
Here’s the Deal:
If you don’t Sing YOUR SONG
it’s not so much
no one else
W I L L
so much as
NO ONE
C A N
Don’t ever let anyone
D I R E C T
Your Symphony
Sing
YOUR SONG
(often and all-ways)
Each May for the past four years I have had the honor of doing a
BLESSING OF THE BIKES
at Lake Erie Harley-Davidson
in Avon, Ohio
It brings a crowd of Bike owners out for a Pancake Breakfast
and a Blessing of the Bikes Ceremony. . .
Each year before the Blessing
I usually give a small meditation
that emphasizes that
LIFE IS A HIGHWAY
and at it’s best when we go down one road
only to find ourselves coming up another street
we didn’t know existed
to places we never imagined. . .
Sometimes
LIFE IS AT IT’S BEST
when at it’s least GPS’D. . .
I go to each Biker
young/old and all in between
and ask them how many miles they have on their bikes and then tell them, “Here’s hoping that the best miles are the ones you’ve yet to ride to places you’ve never imagined; BE BLESSED TO BLESS.”
The take away:
(THERE’S ALWAYS A TAKE AWAY)
THERE’S A HUGE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN
A BLESSING
a n d
T H E B L E S S I N G. . .
A BLESSING IS WHAT YOU GIVE. . .
THE BLESSING IS WHAT YOU GET IN RETURN
(and there’s no comparison except in the spelling of the word:
b l e s s i n g)
T E S T I T
What’s worse. . .
That THEY DO
or that THEY DON’T. . .
THINK ABOUT YOU
We all,
no matter what we say
C A R E
(even in small ways)
What OTHERS
think about us
But here’s the
data-based
S C I E N T I F I C
p r o o f:
Nobody is thinking that much about me (or you)
Because we mostly think about ourselves. . .
Don’t believe it? Do you still think the people around you are spending a lot of time thinking about everything you do and say? Science disagrees.
There’s actually scientific evidence that we mostly think about ourselves.
Back in 1997, Dunbar, Marriott et al studied the topic and content of human conversations. They found that 78% of conversations involved talking about ourselves and our perceptions of the world. As they said in the study, the number one function of conversation in the social domain is that:
it allows the speaker to convey to other individuals a lot of information about him/herself as a person.
So the first step was understanding that people mostly talk about themselves.
In 2013, Tamir and Mitchell from Harvard showed that most people do something called “anchoring.” It is a kind of cognitive bias where:
[people] invoke their own experiences as a guide for inferring the experiences of another person.
As an example, you might feel uncomfortable in crowds. So when someone describes a big party they attended, you assume they were describing a negative experience. Even if they, personally, love big parties.
More recently (2018), Meyer and Lieberman proposed a theory about why people are always thinking about themselves. There is a certain area of the brain (MPFC/DA 10) that is sort of the “default network” area. It gets activated when the brain is at rest and not engaged in external demands. Their imaging work confirmed that it is also the same area that lights up when we think about ourselves.
In other words, our brain’s default is to think about ourselves.
So the research supports this truth. We talk about ourselves more than anything else. We use our own experiences to make assumptions about other people. And our brain is wired to think about ourselves when it’s not engaged in other external demands.
The research is pretty clear. We’re mostly thinking about ourselves.
Let’s reframe our negative thoughts and assumptions about ourselves for a moment.
When I am worried that someone thinks I’m too intense. Or that I’m not doing a good job at a presentation at work. Who is actually thinking that?
Me. I’m thinking about myself and believing those thoughts. But are other people judging me in the same way?
The biggest truth is that we have no idea what other people are thinking and we never will.
But the most likely scenario is that the people around me are wondering what I think about them. Or something else related to themselves. And I’m the only one thinking all those negative thoughts about myself. Because I’m only a blip on the radar of the thoughts of anyone else.
The truth about what people think about us goes something like the quote from Bette Midler in Beaches. Yes, I know, but the quote is good:
Enough about me, let’s talk about you. What do you think of me?
All this isn’t to say that people will never judge you, say mean things to you, or think negative thoughts about you. That isn’t true. I mean, we’ve all been on the internet.
But my perspective on these things is that often, these judgements aren’t actually about us. At least not only about us.
Again, the research from the Tamir & Mitchell paper (and others) says that people use their own thoughts and experiences as an “anchor” for their assumptions about other people.
What I’ve seen is that people are often the harshest and most judgmental about parts of other people that they are insecure about in themselves.
So the next time someone calls you something mean or makes a judgement about you and how you live your life. Instead of internalizing it and making it mean something about you. Ask yourself, what does it mean about them? What negative thoughts do they have about themselves that “anchor” their belief about you?
When you realize that most people’s thoughts are about themselves. When you actually internalize this concept, the freedom is incredible.
It means, I can do my work presentation and believe whatever I want about how I did.
It means, I can wear whatever I want and accept that I like the outfit.
The possibilities are endless.
This shift might not happen overnight. And it won’t exist all the time. Nothing is perfect, absolute, or black and white.
But the next time you find yourself feeling completely judged. The next time you are overcome with the belief that other people are thinking mean, terrible, horrible thoughts about you.
Remember, you have no idea what they’re actually thinking. But it’s unlikely to be about you. And more likely to be about themselves.
So you’re free to think anything you want, good or bad. And remove the inner monologue from your mind and return to the present moment.
What a relief.
(ME–trying to show the world that I’m color blind)
It’s often read
bedside at the time of death
with family circling the bed of their loved one:
A GRATITUDE BLESSING
We bless your hair that the wind has played with
We bless your brow, no longer furrowed, now at peace
We bless your mind, all of the loving thoughts
We bless your eyes that have looked on us with love
We bless your ears that listened for our voices
We bless your nostrils, gateway of breath
We bless your lips that have spoken truth and kissed us a thousand times
We bless your neck and throat, we will remember your voice
We bless your shoulders that have borne burdens with strength
We bless your arms that have embraced us
We bless your hands that have shaped wonders
We bless your chest that sustained your life and nurtured us in strength
We bless your heart that loved us
We bless your belly, storehouse of the body
We bless your thighs for their strong foundation
We bless your knees that have knelt at sacred altars
We bless your legs that have carried you
We bless your feet that have walked your own path throughout life
WE THANK YOU
Beautiful blessing of thanks, isn’t it?
No. . .
It’s not mine. . .
It was brought and applied many different times by a friend, a colleague of mine; an awesome hospice nurse, Jill.
I firmly believe it’s power
I wholly feel that it’s mystique
is that it didn’t come from me. . .
T H A T
would be calculated
and expected. . .
It came from a nurse
(this time)
and sometimes it’s a doctor
and at other times
a Home Health Aide
and often from
Security or Housekeeping. . .
NOT FROM CHUCK THE CHAPLAIN
Am I hurt
jealous
angry
vengeful
regretful
or just severely
grateful
humble
validated
affirmed
hallowed. . .
T R U T H :
Sometimes the greatest blessings there can ever be come from those we often don’t expect. . .
(making them even more sacred)
G U A R A N T E E D:
The best of blessings are never spoken
. . .they’re done
Why give a blessing
WHEN YOU CAN BE ONE
Pssssssssssssssssssssssst of the Day:
You don’t have to look for
Most Blessings. . .
T H E Y
F I N D
Y O U !
H O W M U C H. . .
Seriously,
How much
would it take for you to quit your job and actually do what you
all-your-life-you-know-it’ll-be-better-than-happily-ever-after-job. . . ?
Would it take the Ultimate AMAZON OFFER?
A couple of years ago, Jeff Besos, the CEO of Amazon put out a decree:
$5000.00 to anyone who wanted to walk away from their Amazon job to go follow their bliss with a nice little severance jump-start. . .
AND NOW:
I T’ S T R U E. . .
A couple of days ago the ASSOCIATED PRESS reported:
NEW YORK — Amazon, which is racing to deliver packages faster, is turning to its employees with a proposition: Quit your job and we’ll help you start a business delivering Amazon packages.
The offer, announced Monday, comes as Amazon seeks to speed up its shipping time from two days to one for its Prime members. The company sees the new incentive as a way to get more packages delivered to shoppers’ doorsteps faster.
Amazon says it will cover up to $10,000 in startup costs for employees who are accepted into the program and leave their jobs. The company says it will also pay them three months’ worth of their salary. The offer is open to most part-time and full-time Amazon employees, including warehouse workers who pack and ship orders. Whole Foods employees are not eligible to receive the new incentives.
Seattle-based Amazon.com Inc. declined to say how many employees it expects to take them up on the offer.
The new employee incentive is part of a program Amazon started a year ago that lets anyone apply to launch an independent Amazon delivery business. It is part of the company’s plan to control more of its deliveries on its own, rather than rely on UPS, the post office and other carriers. Startup costs start at $10,000 and contractors that participate are able to lease blue vans with the Amazon smile logo stamped on the side.
Overall, more than 200 Amazon delivery businesses have been created since it launched the program last June, said John Felton, Amazon’s vice president of global delivery services.
One of them is run Milton Collier, a freight broker who started his business in Atlanta about eight months ago. Since then, it has grown to 120 employees with a fleet of 50 vans that can handle up to 200 delivery stops in a day. It has already been preparing for the one-day shipping switch by hiring more people.
“We’re ready,” says Collier.
So. . .
How much would it take for you to take
THAT WALK
$10,000.00
$10,000,000,..
$100,000,000.00
any amount of money? ? ?
I use to ask couples before they got married:
“WHAT’S THE ONE THING THAT WOULD BE THE DEAL BREAKER, THATt WOULD FOREVER END YOUR MARRIAGE?”
Most couples would answer:
“IF YOU CHEATED ON ME !“
I would always shock them and say:
“WRONG ANSWER!”
They would be shocked and almost unanimously ask:
“WELL WHAT IS IT? WHAT’S THE ONE THING THAT WOULD BE THE DEAL BREAKER?”
I would give them a one-worded answer:
N O T H I N G !
THE ANSWER IS NOTHING
and I’m not so sure the answer is the same to the question of
HOW MUCH MONEY WOULD IT TAKE FOR YOU TO WALK AWAY FROM YOUR JOB. . .
Listen, I get it, the grass on the on the job farm always looks greener in another pasture,
with or without some smelling cow dung to help along with just the right green hue. . .
In fact, if I could write in down on the yellow legal pad and make it
COME TRUE
I’d hands down be a full-time professional speaker and a severely prolific self-published author (I have to many control issues to become a traditionally published author)
but I learned a long time ago in a college creative writing class that
JUST THE MERE ACT OF WRITING FOR IT’S JOY IS BETTER THAN ANY HUGE ADVANCE FOR ANY ACCEPTED PUBLISHED WORK
and though it’s taken me nearly 40 years to come to believe THAT
I DO BELIEVE THAT. . .
I LIVE THAT
as I write this blog three days a week
as I write my poems
as I write my short stories
as I write my novels
as I write my several books of non-fiction. . .
What about you?
What would it take for you to leave it all for the
UNKNOWN?
I’m living an enchanted life. . .
I work with the dying who teach me moment by moment
HOW TO LIVE
I write every day
and sometimes when I wake up in the middle of the night and can’t wait for the first of hint of morning light to put it down on paper or at least in a voice message to myself (which is much easier to decipher)
I speak to a small group of folks every Sunday who have allowed me to come back each week for over 24 years; I’ve been invited to speak to nurses, social workers, administrators, nursing homes, hospitals/hospices who like not so much what I say but how I make them EXPERIENCE IT when I say it; and I conduct well over 25 memorial/celebrations of life services that make my heart beat differently than at any other time. . .
What would it take. . .
One word:
N O T H I N G
Y o u ?
Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm of the Day :
Maybe the real question isn’t
HOW MUCH. . .
but
HOW LITTLE
Psssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssst:
It’s not a question you answer with your lips
(only your living)
Was it an accident
was it a mistake
or was it a blessing. . . ?
She was a new waitress and she inadvertently gave me the check of somebody else after she’d already given me my check.
Two things: instead of making her feel like a Queen Duh or worst, getting offended; I thanked her.
She looked shocked and embarrassed. And then I explained that sometimes a blessing finds you without looking for it;
confused I continued by admitting I’m the most selfish customer she’s ever had. . .
By doing something
GOOD
KIND
CARING
COMPASSIONATE
LOVING
it actually makes me feel better—SELFISH
and that sometimes I get to be real
S E L F I S H
when an accident
and a mistake
h a p p e n s
like getting my check and someone else’s and
THAT’S
when it turns into a
B L E S S I N G. . .
I don’t know if she fully got it
But I did
I told her to tell the lady who’s check she gave me,
“SOMEBODY OWED HER, AND THANK YOU.”
So was it an accident
was it a mistake
or was it a blessing. . .
Sometimes it takes a while to figure that out
and at other times it’s sledge hammer
right-between-the-eyes-knock-you-to-your-knees-watch-the-funk-pour-out enlightening:
The accident and mistake equal
THE BLESSING
ITS PURE MATH;
Even more sure than 1+1=2
but we would never bet our life on it. . .
Do it. . .
Make the bet
Don’t read a blog post and wonder if it’s
true/false
real/fake
Make THE BET
and find out once and for all:
IT’s ALL A BLESSING—
especially when it looks like it never adds
UP RIGHT
TOUCHY
but not so much
FEELY
s t u f f. . .
Not just RELIGION
but
YOUR RELIGION
We’ve literally just moved into the world’s Muslims observation of Ramadan, a month of spiritual discipline, by fasting, abstinence and prayer during daylight hours.
Muslim men pray in Kuwait City’s Grand Mosque just before daybreak, during the holy month of Ramadan
(CNN)Monday, May 6, marks the beginning of the Muslim holy month of Ramadan.The tradition began in the seventh century and commemorates the month when the Prophet Mohammed retreated to a cave north of Mecca for spiritual contemplation.Each year since, Ramadan’s weeks of spiritual introspection build toward Laylat al-Qadr, or the “Night of Power,” believed to be the holiest night of the year, according to BeliefNet. Shia Muslims recognize it as the 23rd night of Ramadan, while the Sunni observe it on the 27th night of the month.The Quran describes this singular evening of worship as “better than a thousand months.”It marks the day when Muslims believe the angel Gabriel began giving Mohammed revelations from God.The Islamic calendar follows the lunar year and is therefore usually 11 days shorter than the solar year on the Gregorian calendar. Ramadan ends on June 4. The month of Ramadan begins with the new moon. It shifts 11 days earlier each year. It takes 33 years for Ramadan to cycle back again to the same time in the Gregorian calendar.
Islam stems from the Judeo-Christian tradition, and holds that other holy texts including the Torah, the Psalms, and the Gospels were revealed during previous months of Ramadan.Besides being the month of revelation, Ramadan bears other historical importance as well.During that month in 624, Muslims won the Battle of Badr, marking their first major victory against enemies who occupied Mecca, the city where Mohammed was born.Later, in the year 630, Mohammed led the conquest of Mecca during Ramadan, according to The New Arab. And Muslim armies won other key battles over the centuries during Ramadan.
Shiite Muslim worshippers take part in the early morning prayers for Eid al-Fitr after the conclusion of the holy fasting month of Ramadan.
Over the 30 days, Muslims fast during the daylight hours, and the practice is seen as one of the five pillars of the faith. They can eat before sunrise and break their fast after dusk each day, and besides abstinence from food and water, Muslims are asked to abstain from sexual intercourse as well, the Mosque Foundation says.During the month, Muslims also strive to practice “zakat,“ or charity, another of the five pillars of Islam.The Arabic etymology of Ramadan references extreme heat. Fasting therefore becomes the spiritual process of burning away sin with good deeds.The last of day of Ramadan is Eid al-Fitr, which is celebrated with feasting.
Interesting stuff to be sure
E S P E C I A L L Y
when you are looking at it through your filters. . .
And while we have
F I L T E R S
out and about
DOES YOUR RELIGION
draw a circle including EVERYONE
excluding NO ONE
DOES YOUR RELIGION
emphasize
love, compassion, caring, acceptance, forgiveness, openness, affirmation
DOES YOUR RELIGION
allow for healing when cures fail
DOES YOUR RELIGION
draw a circle
or a line
Is it
T H A T
s i m p l e:
CHANGE YOUR WORDS
CHANGE YOUR WORLD
Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm of the Day :
F I N D O U T
(say it differently)
USE FRESH WORDS
not to be heard
but experienced. . .
Contrary to popular belief, not all good things come from above. I can attest to that from not only doing countless outside graveside services but take a look at my car and that was in a church parking lot where you think I would have some form of protection. . .
But is if that’s not audacious enough what do you do with a car that looks like that or worse a car that looks like you feel? I mean the obvious answer is go get it washed, right?
But here’s the real stumper. . . when that happens to us,
when we literally get dumped on for no apparent reason, or even just because we happen to be in the wrong place at the right time, what do we do about that? Well, often we don’t do what is so obvious; we don’t get washed off; we don’t remove it. . . in fact, we kind a carry it like a badge of honor, as if to say to everyone, “Hey, look what happened to me! Look who did this to me!” And we hold onto it like it’s a long-lost-never-gonna-lose-the-the-precious-gift-again-kind-of-treasure. Let’s let’s face it, who wants to hold onto to something that’s icky/sticky/stanky/yucky? And yet most often THAT IS EXACTLY what we do. . .
So even when we can’t predict the next INCOMING DUMPING what we might be able to predict is how we RESPOND, not REACT but how we respond TO IT. The reacting part is what we do as a knee-jerk response. It’s what we want to show everybody. It is what we want to take the full page Sunday addition New York Times ad out and say, “LOOK WHAT HAPPENED TO ME; LOOK WHAT THEY DID TO ME!” But, RESPONDING is just merely WASHING/Getting rid of the not so nice OBVIOUS MESS and literally moving on. . .Difficult, huh? No seriously, REAL DIFFICULT STUFF because we just can’t ever really seem to do not just the obvious, but the actual SIMPLY obvious. . . .
Wait. What? With NO JUSTICE or punishment to THE DUMPER?
Yeah, wow. With no apparent punishment. . . especially from the one that’ll further bog you down by assuming the roles of jury, judge, and executioner: Y O U
Now here’s the real problem we know this. WE KNOW that we know this. WE WILL BET OUT LIVES that we know this. But, but the next time we get the dumped on from something not-so-good-from-above we will act like we don’t know it all. . .
Hmmmmmmm. Who’s making the bigger MESS HERE?
(a g a i n)