SHOWING UP

It was just a couple of weeks

following the worst day of my life:

the death of my Grandfather.      .     .

My Hero

My Role Model

My Idol

My  Victim.          .          .

I believed that I had killed him

when I hit a softball

and it crushed him in his side

and exploded his Spleen;

Now two weeks later

after the funeral

but far from the

UNIVERSE  OF  GRIEF

we had just finished our supper

in the dining room at my Grandmother’s house

and there it was.         .         .

A   K N O C K     A T     T  H  E     A  L  L  U  M  I  N  U  M      S  C  R  E  E  N     D  O  O R

I seriously thought it was the police

coming to pick me up for my crime

but who I saw at the door was much worse:

IT    WAS    OUR    FAMILY    MINISTER

.       .       .any time the family Minister came to visit

it was never a good thing.          .          .

There was the time I flipped bubble gum into Margaret Young’s hair from the balcony

There was the time I stole Coke from the dime machine for the whole youth group

There was the Communion wine incident.          .          .

and now T H I S 

What was so amazing was that he had come from Washington, PA

all the way (25) miles to Wheeling, WV

to make a Pastoral Visit.          .          .

I, seriously don’t remember one word Dr. Dozier said that night

but I’ll NEVER forget

what he did.          .          .

HE      SHOWED      UP

and me, a couple of weeks from my 14th Birthday

knew at that very moment

what I wanted to do

for the rest of my life:

SHOW     UP

I, at that very moment

wanted to do for others

what he had done for my family:

SHOW     UP

A couple of days ago

I suffered through one of the worst

professional days of my 23 year hospice career.          .          .

A number of my colleagues were laid off;

it wasn’t the first time

in fact, it’s becoming more and more frequent;

one time, it actually involved me

but this time

it felt different.          .          .

it hurts deeper

aches harder

cuts sharper

stings more consistently

swells  larger

h                 u                 r                 t                 s

I didn’t mean

I didn’t want

to be just another unaffected NOUN

I wanted to be more than words in a text

I wanted to be a Verb

I wanted to not reach out

I wanted to touch

I wanted to be felt

I wanted to do what words

attempt

but only actions can convey.          .          .

I       WANTED       TO       SHOW       UP

I wanted to SHOW UP for THEM

like I knew these wonderful, highly gifted people

have done countless times

for innumerable amounts of others

(me  included)

They have taught me much.       .       .

but  mostly

that  I’m  an  ARTIST

that  I’m  a   MUSICIAN

with a masterpiece that gets shared

in no other way

than simply by just showing up

and  more

that the Shadow

can never know

promise

or  do

what anyone of us can by

SHOWING  UP

I refuse to grieve

the absence of each of them

so much as celebrate

their  PRESENCE

in my Practice

in my LIFE

and  for  that

I’m  just  not  indebted.          .            .

I’m   eternally   GRATEFUL

so   I’ll   replace

GOOD   BYE

with

THANK   YOU

I don’t want to sermonize:

I just want to assure

I just want to insure

I just want to share

I just want to Companion

I just want to Be with Another

and Another

and Another

as so many others have been for me

I want to be for others.         .        .

                                                                                   (no        more        words)