R I N G S

R           I          N           G           S

Are       you       a       good      Buddhist ?

I am not.          .         .

as good as one I imagined;

I know the basics:

PAIN is caused by ATTACHMENT

PEACE: D E T A C H M E N T

Just about everyday since October 31, 1994

when I began working with Hospice and

DEATH & DYING

I’ve learned to die a little bit every day;

Embrace it;

When I go to bed and asleep (very quickly) each night

I have a huge sense of GRATITUDE

and an
OK-NESS

with the possibility I might not awaken

but not quite yet
(IF SHE DOESN’T AWAKE)

(Most likely from the childhood prayer my parents prayed and taught me every night:
NOW   I   LAY   ME   DOWN   TO   SLEEP
I   PRAY   THE   LORD   MY   SOUL   TO   KEEP
IF   I   SHOULD   DIE   BEFORE   I   WAKE
I   PRAY   THE   LORD   MY   SOUL   TO   TAKE

I practice DEATH every day
(but apparently never.     .     .ever enough)

because I know, I know that I know, bet my Life that I know
(but don’t always ACT like I know)

that ONE DAY I will die.        .       .
(that she will die)

Now that’s one thing, isn’t it.         .         .

but when it’s not
YOUR  LIFE

but ANOTHER’S;

ONE    WHO    YOU    DEEPLY    LOVE 

more desperately than your next breath.         .       .

well, now, that’s an whole other
MATTER.          .         .

W             O             R             D             S

much like these

but maybe laced with a little more effectiveness
sincerity 

have been said by many of us;

I’ve guided hundred’s in reciting/repeating them;

been at the bedsides of lifetime lovers who whisper them again to each other;

presided over the funeral of ONES.       .       .

who now very painfully have become TWOS (again)

“FOR      BETTER      FOR      WORSE
FOR      RICHER      FOR      POORER
IN      SICKNESS      AND      IN      HEALTH
TO      LOVE      AND      TO      CHERISH.          .         .”

Each time during the Summer for the past three years I’ve reflected;

E            X           P            E             R           I          E          N          C          E          D   

The other side of the coin of

THE BETTER
THE RICHER
THE HEALTH
and a much deeper
TO LOVE AND TO CHERISH

The other side of the coin is dirty
indistinguishable

The OTHER SIDE OF THE SHEETS

are rough;

much too ruffled/unsmooth/scratchy/P A I N F U L

When I saw her lying on the floor that early Sunday morning

seizing uncontrollably

watching my son

rolling her on her side

and calling 911 at the same time;

when I saw her limp and lifeless in the back of an ambulance;

lying on a gurney in the emergency room;

looking in her eyes and for the first time seeing them

NOT RECOGNIZING me
or any semblance of the language we’d seamlessly share with a mere glance;

it made me see a shore without her waves
a life without her life.          .           .

When I held her wedding ring in my hand

while she was getting an MRI

and a series of endless seemingly endless

eternally long tests

that were screaming to me

“There’s no mass; no bleed, no sign of stroke but we still don’t know why she had five Grand Mal seizure.         .       .”

I remember these words, along with a Niagara Falls of furious, fearful thoughts:

HER WEDDING RING
feels so very much
different 
foreign 
alien
small
in my hand
than it ever felt
on her hand
as I held it
squeezed it
without her holding
squeezing mine
back

I wrote a series of poems
thoughts
f e a r s
that have remained
in an old notebook
unshared
with
THE OTHER SIDE OF THE SHEETS

We have all kinds of
r     i     n     g     s

Ring around the Rosie
Ring around the Collar
Ring around the Moon
Ring of my phone
Ring my neck

rivals not

The    Ring    on    My    Finger

which would have me WRUNG OUT

without it

bare beyond on naked.          .         .

Y         O          U  ?